bittersweet memories...

It's been roughly 7 years, maybe a bit longer, maybe a bit less.  I am not sure.  What I do know is that the emotions that hit me walking into the MX last night were powerful.  It was my baby, I'd put so much into it.  Lost myself for a while.  Too many long days, nights, weekends... wow, just wow. 

As I hugged my dear friends and wandered around the building that I used to know so very well. A few faces were vaguely familiar, the rest unknown.  I met a new face, what an amazing young lady.  She'd been afraid I would slip on some water and had rushed in to warn me.  I had to laugh.  I knew every spot that water might pool in there and was already stepping aside.  I thanked her.

We talked for a bit, she told me the things she loved about the building and people.  I shared with her my memories.  The joy I had felt cutting the ribbon on that place and building a family with the people inside the doors.  It was fun.  It reminded me of all the reasons I had stayed through the hard times.  For a small, tiny moment, I missed it all. 

I felt myself kick into the old protective mode.  Lifting up people's spirits about the loss they would soon suffer, chatting with them about other options for them and what buildings might fit their needs the best once the MX closed it's doors for good. You always find good people when you expect to. 

I was blessed to spend a bit of time with people that mean a great deal to me.  Walking through memories that I thought I had built a wall around and feeling tears well up, threatening to spill over as I walked out the door.  I will probably go a time or two before they are locked the final time.  A few more moments to remember and celebrate the team I was blessed to be a part of, the dream we tried so hard to make into a reality.  I'm sure nothing as grand as the beautiful art hotel the old Y was replaced with will take it's place, closing that one tore my very soul.  Who knows, before long I might walk through the doors of 1528 again.  But those memories still bite.  They cause a sense of loss that has pain tied to it... who knows... 

It was a weekend of memories, something I rarely participate in.  For a huge history buff... someone that could literally walk into the past and forget to walk back to the present, my own history is something I rarely revisit.  I block it out mentally and physically.  I have a nasty habit of cutting the ties, refusing to hold on to things.  I truly have no idea why, but I definitely do it. 

Hubs on the other hand, has a remarkable ability to remember it all!!!  I mean, dates, times, names, the weather, the feeling, you name it he can remember it and the moment it occurred and probably most everything that has happened to the person, place or thing in the adjoining years.  

This weekend, I saw him brought to tears of joy.  I actually witnessed him physically being drawn back to a space and time that even predated him.  No, I am not suggesting he was remembering a time that was before he was even conceived, although with him nothing would truly surprise me.  But he was given a blessing that few of us receive. 

Over the past few weeks, we've been cleaning out some clutter and stuff that is simply taking up space.  One of those areas is the old album collection.  The one that sits gathering dust, filled with memories that no one is going to want when we've left this plane. 

We tagged teamed to get the listing typed up, me typing, him reading.  We'd finished all the full albums and decided to tackle the 78's and 45's.  As we sorted through the dusty records, we found a few treasures.  Records that were physically recorded by his older brother.  He was a a drummer after he returned home from the war. These felt priceless. 

One of the records was from 1947, it was a recorded letter home to his dad and mom. A few others were slightly more recent, probably early 50's, these were self-recordings of him and his wife. Evidently she had been either a singer or musician also.  They were dusty, covered in slight scratches and we didn't have a record player.  They will return home on Friday.  

Hubs being Hubs got into a conversation with the young man that bought one of the collections he was selling and what a happy God wink that was!  The young man had just bought a turntable that could make digital recordings.  His own brother had passed away young, he understood the desire to hear their voice again.  

Nowadays, it's easier.  There are recordings, phone messages, videos... we seem to have them everywhere. But from 1947?  Junior has been gone since the early 90's.  We have pictures, we have random bits of things.  But to hear his voice?  To listen to his drumming?  Nope, those things were lost to him. 

The young man took the records home with him.  He promised to get on it before the weekend was over.  What a gamble.  To trust those irreplaceable treasures to a stranger... But trust he did. 

Saturday morning, I was in the process of doing about a dozen things at once... pure chaos!  Cooking, gardening, tidying the house - when I heard Hubs call up from the basement.  Demanding I come down. It sounded so urgent.  He does this thing where he won't tell me why he needs me, just makes it sound critically urgent and then silence. 

It drives me nuts and I know I was a bit fussy, I was so busy in that moment. Something about the look on his face stopped me from being my usual smarty pants and I paused on the steps.  Yes, my need for instant answers was absolutely killing me, but I paused.  I watched him fiddling with his phone and speaker.  Frustration mounting, but curiosity starting to win the battle. 

Then in a mix of snaps, pops and scratches, across the decades came the voice.  It was hard to make out, but there was Juniors' voice.  I can't remember the full date, but he definitely said it, my brain stuck on the 1947... his "letter" home from the front in Germany.  

Watching my sweet Hubs melt, his eyes full of tears of joy.  That was irreplaceable. The young man recorded and sent to him every bit that could be heard.  With the magic of technology, Junior was at our home, Hubs was able to listen, to remember, to share those memories.  It truly was a God wink.  An unexpected gift and treasure.  

Definitely a weekend of memories.  Some joyous, some more melancholy and painful.  Time spent with friends and ghosts of the times gone by.  I had been sad about the number of my team that have passed away, silenced.  Hubs was gifted with his brother's voice and musical skills.  The past didn't seem so far away. 

This week is dawning busy.  Hubs has appointments almost everyday this week as we start the process of healing his shoulder, finally!  We will also be getting ready for a city wide yard sale and I get to start on the memory quilt that I have been commissioned to make. 

Did I tell you about that?  Oh what an exciting journey it is going to be!  I am going to be using a veteran's uniforms to create a memory quilt for him.  We have the bones planned out, but the rest?  Well... I can't wait to see it come to life.  Memory quilts are some of my absolute favorite things to make. I can't wait to share it with you. 

I haven't gotten any further on the bit that is making me think - which is why I haven't shared it yet.  It is slowly taking form in my mind and heart. That bit of a conundrum is still lingering there, waiting for attention.

Well, I need to get busy, it's going to be an overwhelmingly busy kind of day and sitting around isn't going to happen. 

my boys...

I hope everyone has a wonderful week...

much love, 

b

permission granted...

You are allowed to do things simply because they are lovely!  I am very fussy about what is allowed in my social media feeds.  I don't have the patience for 95% of what tries to be there.  This morning when I stopped to eat some breakfast a few moments ago, a meme with that phrase popped up.

My heart felt so full.  Crazy full as a matter of fact. 

I've spent my morning taking care of our life.  Mostly in the kitchen today. I scraped my tallow and put it back in the crockpot to melt again, I started today's batch of yogurt, took some whey out to the deck to warm (those roma's are crying for calcium).  I watered the gardens and harvested the ripe tomatoes and cucumbers.  I started to make a mental note that we need to munch on a few more of the shishito peppers soon or they will be wasted.  I wonder how a batch of those blistered would taste with the french onion soup I'm making for dinner?  I also noted that I need to harvest jalapenos and decide if I am going to simply pickle them or make more cowboy candy.  I stopped for a moment by the blackberry bush and harvested a handful of those beautiful berries.  I made the pate that is healthy and safe for my pups to take their meds. And lastly, I emptied the freeze dryer and packaged soups for my daughter in law and the veggie mixes that I made for us. 

I'm sitting right now, I am reflecting on that meme. 

As I slipped my apron over my head this morning, I felt ready.  I still have things to do today.  I need to make a batch of farmers cheese and I want to make another batch of butter up today - I need more buttermilk and one can never have enough butter, it freezes so well. I also found a recipe I want to try, cream cheese is up next. I need to complete most of this before I go and pick up our farm order for the week.  By doing this I am starting the week with a clean, fresh slate. 

In the coolness of tomorrow morning I will go out and prune back my Black-eyed Susan and Shasta Daisies. The deer have evidently heard me complaining about the over abundance of celosia this year and they are keeping those and the pretty portulaca's well pruned. I'm good with the celosia, I'm a bit over it's invasive behaviors, but the portulaca... please sweet babies, find something else that pleases your palate. 

Honestly, my fingers are longing to work on this sweater sitting by my side.  And it will probably win for a bit, I had Hubs try it on yesterday, I longed to see if I'd gotten the sleeve right. OMG!!  I am in love with it. I want to see it finished, blocked and ready for him to wear it come the first bitter start of deep fall.  

All of these things are lovely to me.  So very lovely. Taking care of my home and family makes me feel amazing!  As I water the lower patio gardens I cherish the beauty that surrounds me. We created a spot for Hubs and I to rest and relax at the end of a busy day, something to take the place of our camper that we lost. We are getting ready to start his "BBQ and Smoke area".  I can't wait.  We've talked about it forever, yet as we are preparing for the next season in life, it is now starting to come to life.  It's supposed to be a bit cooler next week, I will work on moving wood and painting walls then.  For now, I will stay in coolness, sometimes it's what life calls for. 

I have a friend that is often posting pictures of beautiful bouquets he creates with random flowers, his talent is incredible.  The beauty fills my spirit - especially as I love flowers - although I definitely do not have skill where floral arrangement is concerned.  I am always thankful when he's had time to pick up flowers and create. 

There are many others in my life that are always creating lovely.  Lovely.  How do you define it?  To me, it's all encompassing, it's in the minutia. The soft quilts, the sheets billowing in the breeze (oh how I wish I could have a clothesline), its a freshly mowed lawn, or being on a farm, walking through a park or garden.  Oh for me that list is endless. 

Lovely this weekend was walking through the antique mall with Hubs.  The time, the togetherness, the walk down memory lane.

In a world of deadlines, have to's, non-negotiable's, and to do lists, doing something lovely, with passion and conviction.  Irreplaceable. Slow, peaceful, meaningful.  Lovely.  I like these words, these actions.  

I can't ignore the call any longer... I need a few moments of knitting to balance out the other things.  See ya'll later... and don't forget to pause for lovely things in your daily life!

much love, 

b

I've been meaning too...

Yup, I've been meaning too.  I can't tell you how many times I've picked up my laptop, started to sit down to write and a million other things have popped up.  That feels like the story of my life lately.  And not really in a bad way, just a living life to the absolute fullest way. 

This morning, I've stopped for a few.  I mean... the day did start at 3 am, so saying I stopped is kind of humorous.  But the fountain just started, the birds are chirping and the sun hasn't climbed high enough to cause the outside to feel unbearable. So while the granola is baking and the coffee is getting cold, I figured I would rest for a few moments. 

So many times I've wanted to sit down and explore the events and feelings of life so far this year.  It's felt large, overwhelming at moments, peaceful at others.  Completely out of control, spiraling and lost one moment.  And then calm, silent and flowing like a beautiful stream through the woods the next. 

Belle's TPLO surgery, the journey and recovery.  The unexpected finding that she'd had a grade 2 mast cell tumor on the same leg, thankfully the surgeon recognized it and offered to remove it at the same time.  The anxiety I feel with anything that doesn't look just right on that same scar line.  The absolute anger and frustration of having asked both of her regular vets to look at it, and being brushed off.

I've wanted to share the feelings of finding out our camper was totaled out by hail.  The camper was fine, the insurance company totaled it.  Granted it didn't look fantastic any longer, but neither do our fully functional vehicles. Ultimately, we decided it was a God wink, as we hadn't had the time or ability to go camping for almost 3 years now.  It felt a lot like losing my Beetle, a dream who's time had come and ultimately gone.  As we are getting ready for the next phase of our lives, with Beau's medical condition and the changes to campgrounds... let's just say it was time for it to move on to someone else. The blessing financially of losing it, far outweighed the anxiety of trying to be able to use it.  We've already done research and found lots of fun "glamping" experiences that will allow us to bring the pups and still enjoy the great outdoors...

I wore my Dad ring and danced with Momma

Isn't she lovely?

Me, Momma and my girls

Just me and my Dragon

almost time...

My youngest niece got married, what a joyous and fun day that was. I made them a quilt. First time I've done one as a wedding gift for family.  But she is the kind of woman that will treasure it forever, I know this because she still sleeps with the baby quilt I made her over 20+ years ago. Note to self... deciding a few months from a wedding, while your dog is recovering from major surgery, that you want to make a quilt is really rather insane and anxiety inducing.

My Bonnie Hunter Lupine and Laughter
Gifted to The Epps

I've spent time gardening with my dear friend who showed up bearing baby tomatoes and green pepper plants that she started from seeds months ago.  She knew I hadn't started my garden, my plate had just been over-flowing and something had to give, sadly it was my garden. 

Her precious thoughtfulness spurred me on to actually get my life together in many ways. In the month or so since that day, I have completely recreated our back deck and patio.  To the point that Hubs and I seriously do not want to leave our backyard.  We love sitting in the peaceful beauty and chatting.  Next up is completely his "smoking station" where he will have his grill and smoker set up for some crazy fun cooking.  We're starting to develop his retirement hobbies... those days are coming sooner rather than later.  

The garden is in full bloom, I finally put up some trellis' (thanks to my sweet friend for the help) to give us some of the privacy back that we'd lost almost 12 years ago when the first tree had to be removed. I made some wonderful discoveries with terracotta water spikes and wine bottles that allow my garden to stay hydrated even in the hot sun.  Although it looks like either the tomatoes or I have a serious drinking problem. 

As I was watering in the wee hours this morning, I noticed that before long I will be harvesting peppers, tomatoes and possibly some mini-cucumbers very soon.  I added in some plants that will strictly be dried for teas and balms.  The plantains that I went out on a limb and planted in safe spots are flourishing and will provide plenty of healing salves close at hand.  Hopefully, the elderberry and blackberries won't be poisoned this year.  We'll see.  They are bursting and I would seriously love to harvest them.

My dear friend also tempted me with potato plants.  I have two large planters fully planted.  We will see how they produce this year.  These might not be the right planters for them, but... nothing gained or lost if I fail to try.

Belle's first post surgery walk

The hikes have had to taper off a bit.  It's far too hot for Beau and Belle is still on flat ground at less than a mile as she rebuilds her strength.  I keep trying to get up super early to go, but honestly, it's the mid-west.  Even at o'dark thirty it is hot, muggy and highly unpleasant. Hubs' back has been a bit tender and his work schedule is a tad over full right now, so there aren't many extra minutes to go hiking.  Besides, without Hubs or the Pups, hiking alone feels far too vulnerable to me.  Besides that, Missouri is a hot bed of ticks this year. I'm tired of being eaten alive. 

At least for the moment, I'm trading out hiking for hours of swimming and water workouts with my sweet Dragon. So hard to believe she is 9 and heading into 4th grade already.  Where does the time go?  She is growing so fast, last year at the pool I was able to lift her and swirl her around.  This year, we stand eye to eye.  Doesn't matter she will always and forever be my baby dragon.  I cherish each moment that I am able to steal with her. 

While we were taking a break from racing in the pool yesterday we were talking a bit about her plans for the summer.  She told me that she would like to learn how to make butter.  I'm just going to pause and celebrate that!  I didn't order super heavy whipping cream from the farm for tomorrow's pick up, but I definitely will be next week.  If I don't find the time to run out there this week/weekend and pick some up.  You can be assured that Gramma is going to teach her how to make her own butter.  It's time to start making our own ice cream again too. Her other plan is to learn how to make applesauce.  Yup, you know we are going to be working on that during those rainy days that are coming.  I know the apples aren't really fresh right now, but they are fresh enough to tackle that skill. 

The older grand is spending time with Grampa enjoying the arts.  With Beau's medication schedule it's almost impossible for us to go to the theater or symphony at this time, at least not without hiring a medicine dispensing dog sitter for the evening (and there is literally only one or two folks that I trust in that department). Luckily, that young woman is passionate about both.  I just ordered their tickets for the Sound of Music Sing Along.  Their costumes are coming together very nicely. 

Belle fits right in...

Beau is joining the party too...

There have been so many other little things, so many moments.  I've found myself far too busy living those moments to take the time to simply pause and write. 

The sun is starting to rise high enough that there is precious little time left to sit in the cool morning surrounded by beauty this morning.  But savoring it and walking through the recent memories has be so enjoyable. 

I've already made the granola and started the yogurt, I have several other things on my to do list this morning before I pick the dragon up for swim time.  I've got some flower beds to order, I need new cheesecloth and I have to make a final decision on making sour cream or giving it up as lost at this point.  I'm trying to get brave enough to simply start.  My challenge to myself this year was to push myself harder to going backwards.  To those simpler times, to simpler food, simpler clothing, simpler relationships... I miss the past, and I'm opting to slide backwards.  To stop being so wrapped up in this crazy modern world and turn the clock backwards.  

I guess I'd better get with it.  Much to do before we head out, we're hoping Grampa is able to get home early enough to joins us for a few hours of splash therapy.  I've also got to check the weather forecast, I need to go and pick blueberries this week. 

Hopefully, I don't get lost for so long this time... Miss you, love you, b

it's the little things...

What a glorious day it was! We decided to take the pups for a walk this morning. Hubs was feeling pretty darn good, seems like that first procedure is going really well, and third winter is supposed to be hitting again tomorrow. So the sunshine and warm temps were calling our names.  

I think I have gotten Hubs hooked on walking and hiking through the woods. And watching the rebirth all around you is only that much more intoxicating. We got an early start, having discovered that it is pretty easy to give Beau his medication while we are out and about, but also because it is far more enjoyable to romp the forest paths when it is just us. 

One of our favorite spots is Rockwood Conservation Area.  We walk the flat part of the Lime Kiln trail when Hubs needs flat ground. Besides there is a beautiful little spot where the water flows out of the side of the "mountain" (hehe... mid-west mountain) that Belle and Beau are passionate about.  They are definitely water pups and can't wait to pounce and splash in it as we are crossing. That section gives us about 2.2 miles, enough. 

Hubs is healing, Belle is maintaining and Beau and I are just having a great time! Getting back in the car Hubs realized he was pretty darn close to hitting his 3 mile walk for the day and was up for another round. I'd read about another Conservation area near the one we were at, so off we went.  Not having the slightest idea what to expect. 

Let's just say Rockwood might have competition! Greensfelder is even bigger, and the paths are insane! We had to share a lot more than we like, it was well after 10 am when we got there.  But the pups did fantastic with the runners and mountain bikes that we had to share the thin paths with.  I was so proud of them.  The only almost hiccup was a runner with his pup, but we were able to step down the hillside a bit to let them zip on by. 

I kept checking with Hubs, telling him to let me know when he was ready to turn around.  We were only going to walk a quarter mile and then turn around. We were having such a great hike that we ended up walking a full half mile in, which meant a half mile back.  Another full mile ticked off for our weekend.  It was so beautiful, we even chatted about the book I was telling you about a bit ago.  "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson. 

The park reminded me so much of Germany and all the walks I took living there.  I get a bit wrapped up in them and enjoy the journey so much. That park is definitely one that is going to need a lot more exploring and it's only 20 minutes from home.

I wasn't sure the day could get better. Beautiful blue skies, the bright pops of colors starting to pop up through the deary browns of winter.  And spending time with Hubs and the pups.  Does it get any better?

Why, yes it can, and it did.  Hubs grabbed the mail and asked me if I was expecting anything from his sister in Alabama, nope, I sure wasn't. But I was definitely curious.  Sis hadn't mentioned she was sending anything and I could hardly wait to see what was in that soft brown package. 

Remember I said that somewhere along the way my copy of "A Walk in the Woods" had gotten misplaced, I did briefly look to see if I could find another copy, but I got distracted (what is new there?) and never finished the quest. 

I had absolute tears in my eyes when I opened the envelop and there was a beautiful new copy of it!  I can hardly wait to dive into it again.  Normally, I am not a fan of surprises.  But gifts of pure love, well now... That just filled my heart to over flowing.  She found it at a book sale at her library.  

It's sitting beside my chair.  I have another book I am wrapping up right now.  It's an educational one, and I am learning a great deal, so I want to finish it.  I will have at least 8 weeks keeping my Belle still and healing.  I will mentally take a long walk with Bill as I tend to my girl. 

I felt so heard, I'm still smiling and it was hours ago. It filled my heart with so much love, that something so trivial as a book I loved mattered.  Thank you Sis!  I will never lose this copy or my note from it. 

Hubs and I will probably hit the trails a bit again tomorrow, the morning has cleared and the storm is waiting for later in the day.  Not sure if we will take our pups, we worry about our Belle. But a few miles connecting with nature before she reminds us who is actually in charge isn't a bad thing. 

I can't wait to blow the cobwebs out of my memory and read my book.  I can't wait to remember the day dreams that came with it all those years ago.  Nope, I am fairly positive I will never hike the Appalachian Trail myself, but I can definitely live vicariously through his words. 

It's super late for me, my eyes are struggling to stay open, but I have to give my Beau his 9 pm meds.  Then I will head up and go to bed myself.  Tomorrow is another day.... 

Celebrate the small tokens of love, they really make life feel magical. 

much love, 

b