the view...

I'm sitting in one of my two favorite spots, enjoying one of my favorite views.  The sitting room has a huge eastern facing bay picture window.  I can enjoy it from in there when a fire is burning.  Although my favorite place to enjoy it is from the front room.  It's perfectly framed by the arch between the rooms.  I love sitting in the darkness, the only light from the rising sun and the globe with my Dad's ashes. 

Watching a sunrise out that window from the distance feels energizing and reaffirming.  I enjoy watching the vibrant oranges, reds and golds breaking through the trees.  My plants create an indoor jungle in front of the window.  No matter the season there is a green canopy the sunrise shines through. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about 2020.  Maybe it is because it's already December and we are within weeks of the end of the year.  Maybe it's because for so much of the year it has seemed dark. This week, I have been doing some soul searching.  I've really been trying to block out external influences and go deep within.  

I am often in search of the lesson we are here to learn as I strongly believe that we are not just here to wake up, go to work, and eventually die. I have always firmly believed that we are here for a purpose, to learn lessons, to become more than we are. 

Maybe it is the reason I often push back against accepting the norm.  It's not my thing.  I don't do well when placed inside a virtual box and told to accept what I am being told. I resist. 

For me 2020 has been a year of revelations, experiences, awakenings.  Thoughts, feelings and concerns that were blurry items just out of my line of sight have been brought more into focus. Parts of who I am and things that have always made me feel odd and out of place have finally started to make sense. 

Maybe that is some of the reason that I find such solace sitting here in the darkness watching the show that the morning sky puts on. I am definitely a person that thrives in nature. I can easily loose myself in a forest, sitting on the edge of a lake, or most definitely walking along an empty beach in the early morning hours.  It's been several decades since I have done that. I miss it.  

I cherish the moments of revealing.  This morning I sat here for almost an hour, in the darkness, staring out the window, drinking coffee and reflecting.  Reflecting on the year, reflecting on this past week.  On thoughts, feelings, hopes and prayers.  

The view before sunrise is varying depths of deep blue/black velvet.  The sky shimmers with splashes of light, the woods behind my home are still and a almost impenetrable violet.  At that time of the morning the nocturnal creatures are returning to their resting areas having finished their nightly hunts and scavenging.

I hate to turn on sound, lights or anything that might disrupt that moment.  I think that is one of my favorite things about weekend mornings.  I am fairly sure the only thing I am okay with stealing that deep, dark silence is when Hubs and I enjoy a fire either inside or out. The natural light does not bother me one bit. 

Most people I know describe this year in negative terms.  They either didn't or can't look for the light in the darkness. 

I have to say, as much as I miss my children (even the one close, they are on their own soul journey's) I have found much to celebrate and experience this year. For this old fashioned girl that has never fit into our modern world, I feel blessed. 

This past week was a prime example of what I am talking about.  It had the possibility of being just another horrible event in a year that has brought out some of the worst in people.  Instead, I felt like it defined lessons that we've been learning, albeit the hard way.  A person I know found that due to some job changes, a quarantine and other stupid stuff they would be going for a month without a substantial paycheck.  That's a long time in the best of circumstances.  But in a month that has the promise of cold weather and Christmas when you have children, it could have been devastating. 

My heart was hurting so bad and I lost many hours of sleep.  I was praying and trying to find a way to help. This person was so gracious, although you could see the hurt in their eyes.  I can only imagine the stress and pain it caused.  It was only Monday, I was crushed.  I hate feeling helpless in the light of a fellow human suffering, it sometimes consumes me. 

 

By Wednesday, I watched people helping people. By Thursday, I sat and cried. Tears of pure joy. Prayers were answered, hope was restored.  You see, for me, I believe that we are here to learn to simply love unconditionally.  To give without question and to lift each other up. 

I think that is what I love the most about my job.  I really couldn't care less about the fitness part.  I know it's value, but it isn't by any stretch my passion. But as I watched the Angel Tree applications roll in I was terrified.  Our membership is down, people are afraid to come in, it's frightening to see so much need and not know how it will come together.  The tree went up, the Angels gently placed, wishes to heaven from families that this year has caused greater struggles. In the midst of helping our friend I forgot to get my Angels.  I will pick them Monday, hopefully there will be a few left. I love the human connection. It fills my heart to help others.  Those little white angels are literally flying off the tree. People helping people, regardless of their own situation in life. 

I'm tired of the ugly, angry, divisiveness that the world has suffered from for far too long.  Hatred over stupid things that simply don't matter.  Religion, beliefs, color, politics, masks... when do we realize that these things and many others that are causing pain are man made.  Created to cause hurt and pain. Judgement is not ours.  We need to stop. Our very souls long for connection and wholeness.

I am ready to leave the darkness behind.  I am ready to walk in the light of love and joy. I long for a world filled with love, compassion, caring, where we call all acknowledge that we are one.  Where we can realize that together there is absolutely nothing we can't accomplish.  For a very long time I have watched.  I will continue to watch because that is how we learn.  

Every year my Christmas wish is peace.  It still is.  Although I feel it needs to expand.  It needs to also include love, compassion, knowledge, discernment, a willingness to learn, love and grow.

Have I finally lost it?  Have I finally asked for far too much? 

I'm not done learning.  I am sure there is much more I am here to learn... 

buckle up!

It's a new year, new decade, new moment in time.

I've been a bit silent.  I am still processing many things that are manifesting themselves in my world.  Most external things are just as they've always been. My Hubs, kids and grands fill my world with love, meaning and purpose.  I have a career that most of the time I love, and the rest of the time challenges me to grow as a person. 

And I have me.

I don't understand the significance of 2020 to me, but for some reason it is resonating and demanding my attention.  All of this is a season of change for me, the person.  I will be 55 in this year.  I was talking to my girl the other night and casually made the comment "I'm only going to be 55 this year"... she laughed at me, I think with a bit of disbelief.  I am not sure she is handling her number this year so easily.  It was what she said in response that has made me really climb into this deep level of thought and processing.  Her comment was "yeah... I feel like you are starting the second half of your life..." there was other parts to her comment.  Parts that circled around the journey's that I felt inclined to start last year. 

The me part of this is hard.  I am not a person that puts my own needs or wants first.  Before anything else I am a wife, a mother and grandmother. I've always squeezed things of importance in my life into the cracks left after being those things and a dedicated employee. I feel I am probably a very slow learner, because I think the first thing I truly did for myself was this blog.  I started writing it to sort out my thoughts, hopes and dreams.  Truthfully, I don't know how much sorting I have done, but as it has ebbed and flowed over the years I have learned to live a bit more holistically.  I have slowly learned that all of the bits and pieces come together to make a whole person, if you pay attention.

In July when I lost my heart boy, my sweet and precious Gator, I felt another piece snap into place. I had to work through the grief, the pain, he'd saved my heart so many times.  I was struggling through some health issues that I didn't want to deal with.  I didn't feel like it was important enough.  Correction, I didn't feel that I was important enough.  I was biting my lip and dealing with pain that was almost unbearable, and I was doing it in silence.  Because I hate leaving my problems for others. When I picked up my sweet boy for the final time, worried that the pain would stop me, I knew it was time.

I scheduled appointments, discovered what they believe was causing it and found out that doctors today don't really care about you as a person.  You are simply a paycheck in far too many instances. That's fine.  I am a strong researcher, I will find holistic ways to deal with the problem. 

The universe had been guiding me towards the answer for almost two years, but in my stubbornness and single focus on just surviving life, I refused to see the signs or hear the messages.

Enter whole food, plant based.  It's been six months now.  As long as I focus on clean plant based foods, I am in great health.  There is no pain - not even fibro pain.  I have energy and clear focus.  There are days that just like every human on the planet, I can be lazy and don't have the energy for a clean plant based diet.  I slide into the world of vegan junk food.  Things that are fried or processed.  Whatever it takes to get through the week.  I can tell instantly that I have done it.  The scales goes the wrong direction from massive sodium intake, I ache, I'm sluggish, and just feel yucky.

I'm digressing.

2020 has been consuming.  I've been digging deep into many things.  I'm still digging. I haven't created a rock solid plan, but I don't believe that there is a rock solid plan.  I believe that it's important to flow with the universe.  To follow the guidance that exists in our very souls.  We just have to listen. The mind is a powerful thing.  Words are a powerful thing.

I started walking and was evening trying to escalate to a bit of running.  That did not go well, the running part, so I will not do that again.  And even though at the time, I could barely walk on my "good knee"... I signed up to walk a total of 2020 miles this year.  The only person I am racing against is me.  I want to prove to myself that I can do it.  It's such a powerful feeling.  I also now know that I will never be a runner, unless I want two knee replacements, I don't.

2020 is my year to explore me.  To dig into what makes me tick and feed it. For the first time, I am giving myself total permission to fill my bucket first.  I started slowly last year.  I actually asked to explore the Great Smokey Mountains and add an unexpected day to our journey.  My sweet loving Hubs knew it was important, he didn't hesitate.  Even when we both were getting super tired and longing to stop driving.  We celebrated the moments.

What I am finding is that by saying something is important to me and acting on it, it doesn't diminish my ability to be a loving partner and mom.  I feel happier.  Hubs can do the things that fill his bucket, I don't have to sit and absorb another movie for the 50th time, just because he loves it.  It doesn't make who we are less important.

That is a lesson I am still learning. I love to walk with him.  It was our thing for so very long.  When he stopped, I stopped, I felt guilty continuing.  Like I was betraying an "us" thing. We have so little time that we get to spend together, I didn't want to steal minutes from that bucket simply for me.  When I started walking again a few months ago, I knew it was something that I needed, I was very mournful at first.  I was hurt that he didn't want to walk with me, when I had not wanted to walk when we first started walking together.  I felt resentful, I had done it for him, yet he wouldn't do it for me. Then something magical happened. 

I was able to set my own pace, be lost in my own thoughts and music, call loved ones and spend that time catching up with them.  Hubs was filling his bucket and I was learning to fill mine.  I was learning crucial lessons. 

I am giving myself permission to be me.  It's scary!!

I have always believed that I had to be just so to be part of a marriage, a friendship, as a parent, as a person.  I've always smashed my essence down to lift up what I believed was needed of me.

For almost 18 years my sweet Hubs has been teaching me that it was okay to be me.  I might not have always heard it.  In fact, I would say I have rarely realized it.  I was forcing myself into the role I thought he wanted from me, when all along he was okay with who I am.  My heart knew it belonged with him, that he is the person that completes my quirkiness.  We are not really remotely the same as people, but we are a love that was meant to be.  We are each others Yin and Yang.  Somethings we both love, others belong strictly to one or the other.  We support each other.  He has never told me no.  I have told me no many times.

2020 is a year of expansion, of exploring passions and desires.  It will be a year of much and a year of less. 

I don't know how much I will write.  I am still determining that.  I also don't know that it will follow the same style.  Probably will, as I believe the way I write is a true reflection of my soul.  I am a very simple woman.  There is very little complexity to me.  I am open and honest.  I feel that will remain. 

I have a wonderful life.  The bumps, bruises and tears only make the fabric of my life blanket richer.  I am focusing on doing things that fulfill me.  I want others to be part of my journey, but I need to finally realize that self-care is not selfish.  It isn't always about massages, facials, or manicures.  It is about experiences, it is about following your very heart, it is about being still and listening to the voices that are guiding you.  It is about the very power of the word NO.  Not using it abusively, but judiciously.  It is also about realizing and internalizing that you are not alone in this world, that your words, actions and beliefs can cause harm and hurt.  It is about knowing yourself and creating a harmonious life journey.  Lifting others as you lift yourself.

At least that is what I am coming to understand.  It might change as I continue to grow and as I continue on this journey that is filling my heart and making me feel strong.

I'm ready to tackle the next half of my life.  I am excited to celebrate my 55th trip around the sun and I plan to do so in the best physical and mental shape of my life.

I am ready!!

lazy thoughts...

What does one do on a dreary October morning?  When the sky can't decide if it is a day of rain or shine?  Well this one has her sweet hubs build her a beautiful fire, puts on a snuggly wool sweater, pours a cup of coffee liberally laced with her favorite bourbon cream and she rests. She rests my answering emails to family members, watching the sun lighten the gray sky and looks at the leaves through the picture window as they turn amazing colors.

Isn't that what one should do on a morning like this? Hubs even brought me breakfast, slices of fresh farmer's market bread lavishly spread with maple whip.  I love our farmer's market. 

Hubs and I were hoping to get a motorcycle ride along the river road.  It doesn't appear that Mother Nature wants to cooperate. The temperature is perfect, it's the possibility of rain that is keeping us home.  He's down in the man-cave, I can hear his movie, we both need some relaxation time.

I am feeling marginally better.  And a nap might be in the plan for today.  I am also longing to make some soaps, Hubs has been on a mission lately to share them with all of his friends.  I need to build my stash back up.  Besides, Christmas is coming, I need to have some for my loved ones too.  Most of what lives in my stash right now is the stuff that didn't quite work out the way it was planned and it's my home use stash.  The uglies, perfectly usable, beauty in the eye of the beholder.

I also need to find a few hours for my cooking class.  I am a bit behind.  Need to go buy a white bowl and plate, they are required to submit your cooking pictures. Figures I don't have plain white, guess I am going to the dollar store. Mine are all pretty and busy, but I understand them not wanting the dishes to take away from the overall presentation.

Does anyone else get a sense of the clock racing forward once we hit October?  I always feel that April through August drags on, fairly certain that each month has at least 45 days in it and then it starts racing as we hit first September and then OctoberNovemberDecember... like it is all one run on sentence.

All the things I planned to do, get swept up in that where did the time go momentum and I just ride the wave and hope it turns out perfectly.

Before I know it my sweet boy (he will always be my boy) and his lady will be flying in from the coast, we will have two full weeks of love, laughter, games and experiences and then they will be gone again.  I hate that they are so far and life is so busy.  I would love more than the random week or weekend with them. So hard to believe he will be entering the last year of his 20's soon,  I've missed so much of it.

I'm still digging through the family tree and keep finding treasures I didn't know existed.  I wish that I could uncover the missing pieces to Hubs tree.  I feel a bit guilty that every time I blink there is new and exciting things lingering in my own tree and on his I am still stuck! I have no idea why roots and family are so important to me.  They just are.  I think it is probably connected to being a brat and not knowing my family.  I am enjoying chatting with a cousin lately, getting to know her has been interesting and fun.  Understanding where we are similar and where we are different.  It's like watching a flower unfold. 

This lazy day is starting to look prettier and I probably should get busy.  So... clean, soap, laundry, cook... my oh my the choices and opportunities are endless, sadly I feel a nap is first on the agenda. Hubs and Neeko have already beat me in that department. I hate the beginning of the school year colds that get shared so often. I often feel that I do not have enough time for the things important to me, so losing any of that time to extra naps feels so wasteful.

The fire has died down to embers and my coffee is cold.

Time to savor the day...

count your blessings...

Last night as I got ready to crawl into bed I stared for a long moment at my alarm clock.  I was a bit mournful that it would be the last night for a while that I wouldn't set it.  It's been sitting very silently for 14 days.  I've slept and woken as my body needed.  Ironically, most mornings I was up at my usual time, but found that I stayed up later than usual.

I desperately needed this "staycation".  Hubs is upstairs enjoying one last daytime nap for a moment.  The joy of being able to sleep when your body wants and to decompress is indescribable. We have done random adventures over the past two weeks.  We've wandered and played.  We've woken up and decided to head south, we've explored places we've never been and found beautiful parks.  We found extra time to love on the remaining boy.  To help him through the grieving process and spoil him a bit more in his senior years.  I said goodbye for now to my sweet boy, and even though I miss him with all my heart, I was so very blessed to have him.  I completely understand Neeko's pain. It's been a time of great changes.

We've cleaned out clutter, I've worked on projects and Hubs has caught up on some of his shows.  All in all, we've just been.

That is a powerful feeling.  Just to be.

I've done a great deal of reflecting and mental clearing also.

I'd allowed myself to stray off of paths that were meant for me, by conforming to ones not meant for me. The past month has given me light and been very eye opening.

I've made a lot of adjustments to my path.  Adjustments that have been bringing me back to me, I didn't realize I had strayed so very far from my own path. Little things like unpolishing my nails - that 3 hours every few weeks was precious time that I was resenting.  Sure they looked pretty, professional and well kept.  Funny thing is, as the damage caused is growing out, I am enjoying looking down at my natural nails.  They still look pretty and well kept, yet now they look healthy and completely me. And I have three precious hours, not to mention all the dollars that I was spending on them, back for what I want.

After a couple of trips to the docs it was determined that the pain I was feeling was fairly self induced.  It is not "serious" yet, but it has the potential to get there in a hurry.  Especially if I continued down the path I was on.

I've spent some quality time with myself. Thinking, evaluating, measuring and determining what it is that I need for me.

The first change was the one I thought would be most difficult.  I needed to clean up my body.  I have been eating a very SAD (standard American diet).  It wasn't making me feel great.  I was poisoning myself, creating the problems before me with the very food I was eating. For almost two years I had been studying up on the information put forth in Forks over Knives.  I couldn't bring myself to commit.  It seemed like so much work. Time that I didn't feel I had available to me. I was feeling so much resentment in my life.  So much toxicity.  I am sure on some level I knew that I was harming myself... but change? Change is hard!

I was seriously angry that the nurse practitioner called and scared me.  Gave me enough negative information to terrify me and not enough to provide relief.  That wouldn't come for over a week.  Hindsight being 20/20 that is truly what was meant to happen.  The universe needed my attention.  It was time to stop ignoring what it was trying to tell me.

It's going on a month since I have had meat, dairy, sugars or packaged foods.  I can't even bring myself to eat my triscuits, they aren't appealing to me any longer, they were my favorites.  I also quit drinking soda or alcohol.  I thought this would be hard.  It isn't.  It's taking some planning, on days that I don't plan, it is trickier.  There aren't many whole food plant based options out there at the fast food joints. I thought I would miss it.  I don't.

Sure we've tried a few of the "replacement" options, gotta say, not really impressed.  If I'm not eating meat, why in the world would I want to try to replace it?  Hubs is doing fairly well also.  I won't say he's 100%, but he is definitely on board.  Ironically during one of our longer trips we made he didn't eat WFPB he added some dairy and meats.  He made healthier choices than in the past, but he still ate them.  It didn't take long at all for his body to tell him he'd made a bad choice.  His legs and feet were hurting him so badly.

I know we've made the right choice, this is probably the biggest physical change we've made.  It's only the beginning of the journey.  I cannot wait to have a follow up appointment, I know I am finally doing the right things for my body and health... it just feels really good to see it in black and white.  Reaffirms how much better I feel.

I haven't added any working out to my world yet, I've been busy being busy.  I'm climbing stairs, bending and lifting, cleaning out things and making a life.  But I do feel a growing desire to start walking.  I miss the time that Hubs and I spent together walking in the early morning light.  We have let a sense of duty steal that, I don't think it will be for much longer though.  I haven't been strolling with him and Neeks in the morning, it still hurts my heart a bit much.  Although I have taken the Neeks for a few solo walks myself. I miss the morning sunrises.  The conversations in slightly hushed tones to not wake the neighbors.  As we move towards cooler fall temperatures I can see those walks beginning again.  I'm okay with baby steps.

I'm also exploring starting yoga, I used to try so long ago.  I wasn't mature enough in myself to know that simply buying a video was not going to instruct me.  I now have access to amazing instructors, it might finally be time. As I journey deeper into what I need it keeps appealing to me.

Over these few precious weeks we have worked slowly on clearing out things that don't belong, on completing things that have been shelved, and sorting through bits and pieces.  It felt amazing to finally after 5 years clean out my sewing room.  It is unboxed, stuff is put away or given away.  I found so many projects that weren't finished. I have started to work on them.

Slowly.

Closets being cleaned, life being organized, plans being made.

Fresh herb's are growing in a window garden.  A result of my frustration with paying so much for a bunch of basil only to have it go bad before I had a chance to use it all.  Not to mention all the plastic it was boxed in.

A new batch of crystals started tumbling today.  The last batch is beautiful, although I am sure I rushed them in my hurry to savor the beauty.  To know what would happen.  This batch will go slower.  I want to enjoy the process, not so much the end result.  I am trying to learn to take things slower.

I am trying to learn that the world today is moving far too fast and too much is being missed and far too much is being absorbed by forces that are not good. We seem to be far too consumed by everything and it all needs to happen yesterday.  There is no slow and steady.  No patience.

This journey is cleansing.

My body, my spirit, my mind are in a better place.  I am feeling more balanced than I have in a long time.

When I sit down and pick up a needle, hooks, fabric, paint, yarn, crystals, anything I am not feeling guilty, I am feeling like I am doing something I personally need.  I actually read a book for pleasure last night.  I have stacks of them, things that intrigue me, yet I've felt guilty.  Guilty x2 because I want to do it and it is sitting idly waiting, but knowing there is so much else that I "should" be doing.  I'm tired of "should".   I am trying to focus on the process, the creation, the meaning behind it all.  As yarn wraps around the needle I am focusing on the person/purpose it's intended for.  My dear friend the Yogi once commented that it sounded like mediation to her.  I had to process that for a bit.  Now I realize she is correct, or at least when it is done correctly she is.  That slow and thoughtful process makes it special not rushed. The process is the gift to the creator,  the finished product is the gift for others.

I still love my career.  I still feel that I make a difference.  I'm just changing the lens.  I cannot continue to damage myself, the essence of who I am, and hope to be a positive force for others.  No one can function like that, at least not for long.  And it damages who we are as individuals.

I will still give 100%, but it's a fantasy that giving more makes you better, stronger or more valuable.  It makes you tired, cranky, less productive and unable to function.

My goal is to enjoy more, find time for hot cups of coffee, be more, use less.  I need to listen to what the universe is telling me and know that I am safe in that journey.  I'm going to enjoy slowing things down.

Times are changing for me.  54 is going to be a powerful year, much to accomplish, but it will all happen in it's own time. This will be a year of healing.

I'm so thankful to sweet Hubs for insisting on this break. I was upset, angry actually.  The timing was all wrong.

Nope, the timing was all right. Things didn't work out the way he planned... I think they worked out the way the universe planned.  It was a gift that I truly needed. He is an amazing human, and I am so blessed to have him as my completing half.

accepting...

Struggling to sleep. 

I had forgotten this part of the mourning process.  It could be my subconscious is still programmed to wake and listen for his breathing in the middle of the night.  Not sure.  I'm at peace, I'm not tortured that he's gone.  I'm hurting.  I look at his spots and my heart tightens.  It's different than the ones I lost far too young.  Yet it hurts just the same.

I struggled all day yesterday to figure out what I wanted inscribed on his box.  Torn.  Too few words to express his lifetime of love and devotion.  I finally decided late last night.  Over 24 hours of loss had the clearing ability I needed.

As I was driving home from work last night the sky, the air, everything was this strange orange color.  We had a horrible storm roll in around 6 pm.  The sky went from pure beautiful blue with bright sunshine to a deep rolling black/gray color.  You could see it moving in.  For hours  lightning lit the deepness all around us.  When I left a little after 8 pm feeling beat up and incapable of anything, the sky started to lighten.  It as still raining, lightning was flashing all around, but the sky turned orange.  I felt like I was in some strange Hollywood sci fi as I drove home. 


My mind was processing the day, some news I had received, the loss of my sweet boy, worry over how Neeko was doing.  It was surreal. It was overwhelming. I felt like I had somehow become part of the sunset, not just simply watching it.

Maybe all of those things were the reason for the stolen sleep?

Of all our babies, Neeko is the most social.  Either of the other two would have gladly been an only child.  Not Neeks.  He is the eternal puppy at heart.  The house is littered with his toy collection, he is worse than a two year old.  He's bouncy and joyous.  And he thrives on attention and love. 

The journey to this home and now has taken us from a micro zoo... 2 cats, 2 dogs, a lizard and turtle to simply Neeko.  It feels weird to not think in plural terms.  Hubs just took Neeko for his morning walk.  I guess I could have gotten dressed and joined them.  But my heart isn't ready.  I don't want anyone to ask where Gator is.  People get weird when you refer to them passing, some people just don't understand that he is our baby.  Hubs and I never had two legged children together.  Our boys, are just that, our boys.

When I got home last night Neeks didn't greet me with a toy, as he usually does.  He wandered over, head down, eyes looking sad and lonely.  I could see what had worried Hubs all day.  I couldn't have it. I am not ready for him to mourn himself to the Rainbow Bridge, he will get there soon enough.  He will be 15 in November, unheard of for his breeds. 

I grabbed a stuffed bunny from his toy box and told him it was mine!  In typical two year old style the challenge was accepted.  We played for about 15 minutes.  Chasing each other around the main floor, playing with his toys, watching the joy return to his eyes.  He even climbed in bed with me at the end of the night.  Allowing me to comfort him.  He hadn't allowed that the night before. 

I don't know how many more sunrises and sunset we will share with our Neeko.  Our last boy, I hope there are many.  I'm not ready for any more loss right now.  I'm not ready for silence of that level. 

There are other things to occupy my mind, things that will need a lot of my attention.  But for this moment in time.  I am choosing to focus on bringing joy back to a silly old boy, I don't want him to experience any more loneliness than is necessary.

I'm processing the next steps, I'm processing the news I received yesterday.  There is some educating that needs to happen.  I need to learn more.  I need to figure out what all of it means.  For today and this moment, it can wait.

This morning Hubs and I washed off the rocks that have been rolling for most of the month.  Phase 3, pre-polishing has started.  Hubs has fallen in love with one of the most beautiful stones, and I need to start exploring how to create a ring for him with it. It is so very beautiful, the energy of that stone will be perfect for him.  A few more weeks until their true beauty shines through... When do I get to phase 3 for me?