Watching a sunrise out that window from the distance feels energizing and reaffirming. I enjoy watching the vibrant oranges, reds and golds breaking through the trees. My plants create an indoor jungle in front of the window. No matter the season there is a green canopy the sunrise shines through.
I've been thinking a lot lately about 2020. Maybe it is because it's already December and we are within weeks of the end of the year. Maybe it's because for so much of the year it has seemed dark. This week, I have been doing some soul searching. I've really been trying to block out external influences and go deep within.
I am often in search of the lesson we are here to learn as I strongly believe that we are not just here to wake up, go to work, and eventually die. I have always firmly believed that we are here for a purpose, to learn lessons, to become more than we are.
Maybe it is the reason I often push back against accepting the norm. It's not my thing. I don't do well when placed inside a virtual box and told to accept what I am being told. I resist.
For me 2020 has been a year of revelations, experiences, awakenings. Thoughts, feelings and concerns that were blurry items just out of my line of sight have been brought more into focus. Parts of who I am and things that have always made me feel odd and out of place have finally started to make sense.
Maybe that is some of the reason that I find such solace sitting here in the darkness watching the show that the morning sky puts on. I am definitely a person that thrives in nature. I can easily loose myself in a forest, sitting on the edge of a lake, or most definitely walking along an empty beach in the early morning hours. It's been several decades since I have done that. I miss it.
I cherish the moments of revealing. This morning I sat here for almost an hour, in the darkness, staring out the window, drinking coffee and reflecting. Reflecting on the year, reflecting on this past week. On thoughts, feelings, hopes and prayers.
The view before sunrise is varying depths of deep blue/black velvet. The sky shimmers with splashes of light, the woods behind my home are still and a almost impenetrable violet. At that time of the morning the nocturnal creatures are returning to their resting areas having finished their nightly hunts and scavenging.
Most people I know describe this year in negative terms. They either didn't or can't look for the light in the darkness.
I have to say, as much as I miss my children (even the one close, they are on their own soul journey's) I have found much to celebrate and experience this year. For this old fashioned girl that has never fit into our modern world, I feel blessed.
This past week was a prime example of what I am talking about. It had the possibility of being just another horrible event in a year that has brought out some of the worst in people. Instead, I felt like it defined lessons that we've been learning, albeit the hard way. A person I know found that due to some job changes, a quarantine and other stupid stuff they would be going for a month without a substantial paycheck. That's a long time in the best of circumstances. But in a month that has the promise of cold weather and Christmas when you have children, it could have been devastating.
My heart was hurting so bad and I lost many hours of sleep. I was praying and trying to find a way to help. This person was so gracious, although you could see the hurt in their eyes. I can only imagine the stress and pain it caused. It was only Monday, I was crushed. I hate feeling helpless in the light of a fellow human suffering, it sometimes consumes me.
By Wednesday, I watched people helping people. By Thursday, I sat and cried. Tears of pure joy. Prayers were answered, hope was restored. You see, for me, I believe that we are here to learn to simply love unconditionally. To give without question and to lift each other up.
I think that is what I love the most about my job. I really couldn't care less about the fitness part. I know it's value, but it isn't by any stretch my passion. But as I watched the Angel Tree applications roll in I was terrified. Our membership is down, people are afraid to come in, it's frightening to see so much need and not know how it will come together. The tree went up, the Angels gently placed, wishes to heaven from families that this year has caused greater struggles. In the midst of helping our friend I forgot to get my Angels. I will pick them Monday, hopefully there will be a few left. I love the human connection. It fills my heart to help others. Those little white angels are literally flying off the tree. People helping people, regardless of their own situation in life.
I'm tired of the ugly, angry, divisiveness that the world has suffered from for far too long. Hatred over stupid things that simply don't matter. Religion, beliefs, color, politics, masks... when do we realize that these things and many others that are causing pain are man made. Created to cause hurt and pain. Judgement is not ours. We need to stop. Our very souls long for connection and wholeness.
Every year my Christmas wish is peace. It still is. Although I feel it needs to expand. It needs to also include love, compassion, knowledge, discernment, a willingness to learn, love and grow.
Have I finally lost it? Have I finally asked for far too much?
I'm not done learning. I am sure there is much more I am here to learn...
No comments:
Post a Comment