defining happiness...

I can't be the only one that doesn't love having days that upset my routine.  I mean, I just can't.  I thought this feeling was strictly tied to working a 9 - 5  job.  It's not. I've been under the weather the last few days and I am behind on what I consider my "job".  The goals and benchmarks that I set for myself around this silly little homestead in the burbs.  

I think most folks automatically assume that when you don't work outside the home all you do is sit around and eat bonbons all day reading books or watching the boob tube, as my dad used to call it. I gotta tell ya, I have been awake around 3 hours, I have yet to finish my first full cup of hot coffee, I've warmed it up about 5 times already.  Pretty sure I am going to give up and call it a lukewarm coffee kind of day.  I finally got my breakfast smoothie made and I am sitting quietly in the living room typing. We'll see how long that lasts. 

I guess I could make the conscious effort to just sit around, to assume that nothing is my responsibility.  I'm not made that way.  Just because I don't scurry out of the house to work at a job that doesn't bring meaning to my life, doesn't mean that I am not working hard every single day.  Even feeling under the weather I still managed to semi keep up.  A lot of things didn't get completed though. 

I admit when it slammed me a bit harder than it had yesterday evening, I almost cried at the thought of getting out of my comfy chair and making Hubs dinner.  I was seriously wanting to be in my bed far more than I wanted anything else in the world last night.  I had used all of the energy I had stored up, I was toast. I had done all of the things I wanted to do, I just didn't do all of the things I needed to do.  There is a difference. 

just a bit of the day's satisfaction...

I could have gone to bed, said fend for yourself.  That again isn't who I am.  Although I think I went to bed shortly after we had dinner.  I didn't clean up the kitchen, not even sure I put everything away that wouldn't spoil.  I keep looking at the kitchen this morning regretting that decision.  But my body said enough. And believe it or not sometimes I listen. 

Hubs had his early morning meeting today.  We were both enjoying sitting in the cool breeze that this morning was blessing us with.  I puttered in my garden, catching up on the pruning and harvesting.  Pulling weeds here and there, while we chatted for a few moments.  Stealing what we could from the full day ahead just for us.  That little hour flew past, before long he asked what time it was and we realized we had 30 minutes for him to get ready and be on his meeting.  How did that happen.  

The end result for me?  Mega rush time.  Made his smoothie, fed my ravenous pups (are they ever full?), gave them their flea, tick and heartworm meds (thank you Belle for being a doll, Beau... you're a brat!) and then rushed upstairs to do the ironing I'd been putting off (still not finished) so he had the clothes that fit to wear.  My game plan had me getting my nice hot shower and completing the ironing.  Neither of those happened as Hubs rushed down the stairs yelling to me to remember to turn off the sprinkler out front. 

That's about the time I remembered that I still had to make his lunch and snacks for the day, he's going straight from one meeting to another all day meeting, and I had less than an hour.  So... my game plan changed.  The meals got packed and I even managed to gather up the shirts he was giving to a friend and get them in a bag for delivery.

I will get my shower after he leaves, I'll finish the ironing and all the rest of the stuff I have been putting off in just a bit.  For now this woman in her late 50's is sitting here looking like she might be a bit nutty with her hair in pigtails (too short still for a true ponytail) has finally stopped for a moment.  She's enjoying her smoothie and lukewarm coffee and resting. Plotting for the rest of the day is more like it. 

I know a lot of folks that are not part of the work a day world any longer.  For a variety of reasons.  Retirement, cost of child care, loss of jobs, health, happiness... the list is quite endless.  And what I've discovered is that I don't know a single person that falls into that category of sitting around watching television and eating bonbons.  Our days might be less structured than when we punched a time clock, but all of us are busier than we ever where when we were working externally. 

It seems that we have all been programmed to accept that the only way to get ahead and make a life is to work outside of the home for someone else.  I definitely feel like the last two years have redefined that for many people.  I am wondering how many of the younger folks that have left the traditional work force are like me.  Is it that they don't want to work?  Or is it that they have discovered the true value of their time?  Are we as a society judging people on a preconceived and programmed notion that they are lazy and wasting their lives and time if they aren't working a traditional job, punching a time clock for someone else?

What I am observing from this side of the fence is quite different.  I see grandparents that exited the work force watching their grand kids.  The sounds of laughter and children are echoing through out subdivision, something that didn't happen before.  I see parents actively engaged with their kids, raising them, teaching them life skills.  I am seeing folks planting gardens, and starting up side hustles.  Everywhere I turn there is someone offering a service.  Maybe folks are simply stepping out of the constructs of life that we have been forced to accept.  Maybe they are choosing to be part of a different economy?

A different life that doesn't allow the government to easily take their chunk of everything.  We all know how I feel about taxes and how much all of the governments are taking out of your hard earned dollars. Maybe the folks that are choosing not to work at your favorite restaurant, resulting in them cutting hours, have discovered they can cook at home and people will pay them for it?  And when you add up gas costs, taxes, low wages (and yes I do believe that is subjective to everything else)... well... maybe it is more profitable.

Maybe they are working as a cash only handyman or landscaper? The local daycare can't find employees?  Why not?  Is it pay?  Working conditions?  Hours?  Or is it simply that the folks that used to do that have discovered they enjoy spending that time growing their own children?  Raising them to be good, independent humans?

There are a lot of things shifting in this world.  A lot of people that are waking up, taking a step back from the life they were conditioned to believe was the only way to be successful and realizing that they are super successful in their own ways outside of that. 

Am I frustrated to be behind in my own goals right now, yes, will it negatively impact my family no.  It is simply a personal goal.  We all set goals. Mine are just for me instead of someone setting them for me.  Ya know what I have discovered?  I work harder and more efficiently, because it is something that is important to me. How many folks at the grocery, mega mart or gas station are feeling that way.  

In fact, as more and more Mom and Pops are going out of business, those feelings and attitudes are only going to get worse.  The small business owner loves their job, it is their passion, the goals and mission in action are theirs.  They have a very vested interest in the success and/or failure of that business.  To them you are important. Maybe all those employees that are "missing" from the work force aren't really missing, they are simply choosing a different lifestyle, a different avenue for their skills and labor.  Maybe they are re-envisioning the life they want and need.  I know I am. 

Every now and again I start to feel I should venture back into the traditional work force. I start to doubt that my contributions are making a difference.  I let that doubt that was drilled into us since preschool - or maybe earlier, sneak back into my psyche.  

I'm guilty, I did it to my kids.  What do you want to be when you grow up?  I believe it was John Lennon that said no one ever asks if you want to be happy.  The quote is longer than that, but that is it in a nutshell.  

Mom, are you almost done?
We need attention!

I used to live that life of benchmarks, metrics, and set goals.  If I tried I could find all the "buzz words" that measured my daily performance and growth lost somewhere in my brain.  Guess what, that wasn't my daily performance or my daily growth, it was something assigned to me by someone else to get the results they needed to justify their own goals and benchmarks.  I never experienced the pure joy, the sense of pride and satisfaction that I do from walking into my cantry, or putting on socks that I made, or sitting in my garden that I am nurturing to life.  The sense of a job well done when I reflect on the humans I raised.  Or the pure love I receive from my sweet pups that I am raising to be amazing companions. Or seeing the calm that is now our lives when my sweet Hubs kicks back after a day and we simply enjoy our time together.  I have different ideals of success now, and all of them come back to that basic thought... am I happy. 

Letting Dad know I will finish
his dinner for him...

Yep, I am, I am happy.  Today, I feel behind... by tonight I will have remedied that.  I'm not really behind, it's simply the state of mind that I feel today.  Well, I've rambled enough, it's time to finish this lukewarm coffee and get started on the things that bring me so much joy and bliss.  It's amazing the powerful feelings that come from doing what makes you happy. 

one of those days...

How is it already 7 am?  How is it that the sky is already turning a soft blue, the clouds are hiding the sunrise from me, but it's definitely a gentle blue with a tinge of orange/pink at the edges of the clouds. My sweet babies are already sleeping for their second nap of the day.  We've been up since about 330 am, so I am fairly positive mommy is going to nap later today when they do.  

I decided against trying to go back to sleep for the hour they would give me this morning, rightfully so, as they played for a good hour before being tired again.  By then I was wide awake, so I made good use of the first nap.  I started unquilting the quilt I am working on.  

I am annoyed by it, not going to even remotely dispute that fact. It's a gift I want it to be perfect.  Well as perfect as possible.  I tried a new thread.  Not impressed at all.  Maybe it will work okay on my actual sewing machines, but I am done with it on the longarm.  I am beyond stressed and annoyed with it.  And having to remove almost 18 inches of finished work is not putting me in my happy place.  It is going to take at least a day if not longer to pull it all out.  Cripes at this rate it will be another week before it is gifted. Yes, I am seriously irritated. It's my own fault, I should have stopped and checked it more frequently. 

Once I pull it all out, I will switch back the thread that I know creates a beautiful stitch, regardless of all the fuzz it also produces.  At least I will be able to finish the quilt and have it look great.  So sadly, afternoon kennel nap is going to be spent bending over the longarm frame tediously removing stitches one at a time. Pretty sure I am going to spend this morning working on my sweater so I am at least calm, well sort of... 

I am not loving the color of the yarn nearly as much in my sweater as I did in the ball, it's striping, I am not a stripe person. But it is turning out so pretty, I will go ahead and finish it.  If I end up not in love, I add it to my inventory and get a different yarn to make one for myself.  Everyone that has looked at it thus far really likes it, so we'll see what it looks like finished.  The other challenge is that the front is designed to be shorter than the back so lining those stripes up is going to be a blast.  Yep, that is serious sarcasm there. 

All I can say is that next time I decide to tell the universe that I want to sharpen and develop my skills I need to be far more specific.  Because everything is proving to be a challenge.  I might need to narrow it down to one specific craft at a time.  Somewhere I need a safe spot to create the things that simply bring me joy without any deep thought required. 

It's all good.  I am fairly sure it is just the exhaustion, but double barrel disappointment is not something I am excited about. Maybe I just need to slow down and ask myself what the lesson I am supposed to be learning is.  Am I so wrapped up in completing the project, in the time allotted by puppy naps that I am not taking time to make sure everything is working correctly and taking the time to check?  Might be a good day to slow it down and do some extra meditation. 

I think today is a day that it is best I work alone.  I am not doing well with peopling - and I'm the only people that I am dealing with. Some days it's better to simply stay to yourself.  Today... might be that day.  Everything seems to be slightly off center.  Maybe I will feel more focused and centered after putting myself in time out.  Okay that humored me, although I might just need to write a list of things I am grateful for, that usually flips the switch for me. 

What works for you when you feel like nothing is going the way you want it to?  I am definitely open to suggestions! 

I was finally able to get a picture of Hubs in his Christmas sweater, I am really pleased with how it turned out and I am in love with the yarn I used for it. It looks great on him and he says its nice and warm.  Perfect for this 7 degree morning. 

I think I need to focus on the successes this morning, the others won't feel so annoying. I guess we all have days like this, they are just so rare for me anymore that I am not at all used to it and might be losing my skill set on dealing with disappointments.  Although fixing things has definitely led to a quick morning.  Hubs is already off to start his day, he's got a busy morning lined up. 

I used to pray for days when the clock flew fast, especially on a Friday.  Now that I have my own schedule and plan my days they have a steady flow to them.  I don't watch the clock anymore.  Although I do find myself surprised like today, when it seems that only an hour or so has passed and I find it's more than four hours into the day. 

Well my sweet puppies are starting to stir, so it's time to do the morning potty and play routine.  This day will end up being wonderful... and I will find the lessons needing learned from the struggles.  

love and peace... 

grateful...

Do you ever know that doing something will come with a price?  And as you evaluate the price you realize that it is minor compared to the joy and happiness doing that thing... or things... will bring you?  I am that person.  I will tolerate discomfort or pain to have my heart filled with joy and happiness. To experience life at the fullest. 

You all know the past month of restrictions has been difficult for me.  I am simply far too much of a free spirit to simply sit and watch the world go by.  I want to participate, I want to experience, I want to do and I don't do well with being told either physically or verbally no. 

For a week, I pushed the envelope. And for a week now, I have paid the price. 

NO REGRETS!  I want to shout it out loud, even knowing the price, I would and probably will gladly pay it again. 

It's been a week of me sitting still, it's been a week of either ice packs or extreme heat compresses.  I will admit the experience of having an internal stitch removed without numbing was not really the highlight of my life.  It's been a week of exhaustion as I dealt with the minor abscess said stitch kindly caused, but... I wouldn't change a moment. 

Last Friday I was puttering around the house, taking a multitude of breaks to get ready for our camping trip.  I needed to escape.  I needed to be one with nature and experience a different kind of solitude.  Hubs and I had found a spot in Kentucky, not far from our favorite little town of Paducah.  It ended up being the most wonderful little spot and we will spend many more weekends there. In fact, We've already booked a long weekend in April for Quilt Week. 

I knew the journey would be taxing, I was willing to pay that price.  We went to all of our favorite haunts in Paducah on Saturday, spacing it out and going slow.  First stop is always the quilt museum and this time was not an exception.  The power of the 9/11 exhibit was almost overwhelming. You could feel it into your very soul.  Quilters are no different from any other artist and when they are pouring the heart into a project you will feel it deeply. 

After a quick lunch we headed to our campsite as it was finally late enough to check in.  I really had wanted to walk their farmers market, I will push the envelope - but I am not stupid and that was far too much walking. 

Thirty minutes away and down some back country roads we ended up at our weekend home away from home.  The couple that own it are delightful, it was beautiful, tucked on the shores of the Ohio river.  Hubs and I enjoyed it so very much. The water was around 30 feet from where we parked, nothing but wide open spaces and beauty.  Even the rain that had followed us from St. Louis was kind enough to stay away and let us enjoy the soft gentle breezes and sunshine. 

We'd planned all our Paducah adventures for day one so back we went.  I can't go to Paducah without a reading (or in this case two), a new set of cards (angel oracle this time) and of course some crystals.  I had a lot of needs on this trip.  Loved ones needed support and I was in the right place to get it.  I cherish that little spot, I feel peace and calm there.  This time I was even blessed to experience their "guests".  

Hubs went a bit crazy in the yarn shop.  Tuscan Rose is a beautiful little shop full of the most scrumptious hand dyed everything!  Yarn, fabric, clothing, embroidery threads, you name it... if it has a use in the realm of fibers she's dyed it! I was in search of some more of the heavenly Faswah silk yarn, upcycled from Sari's. unfortunately, all the colors were far too pale for me.  I can't do pale greens, yellows or pinks.  I need far bolder colors.  

I also needed some roving.  My favorite dye artist suffered a broken elbow earlier this year and didn't have any in stock, and I had a very specific color combination that I was in search of. For a project that I feel quite drawn to complete. I really wanted some of her hand dyed, but unfortunately she didn't have any in the color combination I was looking for.  She did have some that was dyed by someone else... so in my cart it went!  I'd felt quite successful! I love supporting local shops.  Not a big box fan at all. 

Hubs on the other hand definitely went overboard.  I almost fainted when I found out he'd purchased two of almost every yarn that I said was beautiful.  I literally need to learn to not open my mouth and silently drool over the beauty and texture. I hate to spend money on myself and definitely not the kind of money that buys hand spun and dyed silk yarn.  Oh it is sooooooo beautiful, not even going to lie and I am already day dreaming about what it will become, but I definitely did not need it!

A short stop at his favorite Cigar Bar before we headed to the Silent Brigade Distillery (oh yep brought home a bottle of my Chocolate Coconut Moonshine and Hubs got a yummy bottle of Blackberry Moonshine) if you are ever in Historic Downtown Paducah stop in there, it's fabulous and Josie is delightful. In typical Hubs fashion we met several awesome couples before heading to our favorite place for dinner. 

I knew I'd pushed too hard by dinner.  Funny how just a few blocks, something so normal, can become such an obstacle with something as routine as a knee replacement.  Hadn't I been cruising around like a super star at home?  Note to self, home and the real world... totally different!

We were in Paducah too late to see the sunset the first night, by the time we crossed the super narrow bridge it was already tucked in for the night.  And as exhausted as we were, we didn't even manage a card game before falling asleep. 

As Sunday dawned it was stormy and wet!  We surely weren't catching a sunrise that day.  Both of us figured it was probably good, as my silly leg was a bit annoyed by everything we did on Saturday. Over hot coffee and multiple card games Hubs and I enjoyed a leisurely Sunday morning.  

It didn't take long for mother nature to catch on to the fact that this crazy woman was trying to escape cabin fever and experience life, because the storms that were promised for the entire day drifted off and the sun came out the air was clean, fresh and comfortable.  Not hot, no humidity, just beautiful.  

Hubs and I managed a couple of short walks, and time spent outside just relaxing.  I needed to elevate my leg and ended up sleeping most of Sunday away, probably should have been a key sign that something was not right.  I simply loath napping, and only do so when healing. 

Sweet Hubs took advantage of that time to fish.  He'd fished in the morning and from the excitement in his eyes I knew he was telling me a true story, not a fish story about the bass that he almost had - one he would have fought me about mounting.  But alas the big guy managed to get away and swim off to grow even bigger.  The afternoon fishing expedition had him reeling in a huge gar (those suckers have sharp teeth if you didn't know) on my ultra-light pole.  I am sure that was quite the experience. It also gave him an incredible opportunity to mentor two young boys in fishing.  They were so excited to be fishing and their dad was definitely less than interested. Thanks to Hubs one of the kids caught their first fish ever (again a gar - yuck) but the feeling is the same regardless of the type.  

The sunset was breathtaking and as we sat by the fire and enjoyed it in the cool evening air, I wanted to freeze time.  The peace... I am forever grateful for those moments! Even living so close to major rivers and seeing barges all the time doesn't take away the magic of sitting by a fire watching them chugging up and down the river as the sun puts on it's final show of the day!

Monday morning found us debating on taking another day.  It was so very hard to leave.  The sunrise was heavenly, the beauty, the peace and quiet, the time without internet or phone service was healing.  It was so hard to decide to return to our "life".  I even managed to join Hubs on the dock and cast a few times, although when you don't feel stable on your feet that is an incredibly frightening experience.  

Our slow meander home took hours longer than a 3 hour trip should take, but Paducah was calling us for a final stop before we left and neither of us was in a hurry to leave the magic of the weekend.  

I spent Tuesday debating on calling the doc about my leg, but assumed it was overuse and besides I was enjoying time with a dear friend, by Wednesday I had to give in. Not only hadn't the swelling subsided, but it had become red and angry. 

Good thing I called, stupid internal stitches, guess they sometimes decide they don't want to do what they are supposed to and wiggle their way into becoming external stitches that need to be physically removed before infection can set in. I fell in love with the hot compresses and their ability to help with healing. 

Because of them I was able to spend time with a very special group of friends last night.  The laughter, love and joy of all being together uncensored was wonderful.  A shared meal and adult beverages in the treetop garden was definitely what my heart needed.  We might even be able to pull it off one more time before one of our group returns to Germany.   

Today... I am sitting peacefully again.  My leg elevated and still a bit swollen from the week that has passed.  It aches a bit from pushing harder on therapy, I want my full bend back. But the price was worth it all.  Hindsight being 20/20, I would probably have let Hubs push me in the chair at the museum and drop me at all the doors instead of being stubborn and prideful.  I would have not let my pride get in the way of sitting with it elevated in groups.  But... I would do it all again. 

I am finding that being grateful for the experiences of life is how I chose to be.  I have never been a pessimist, but now I am far more someone that focuses not so much on the just the sunny side of life, but on the lesson and experience of life.  I am grateful for all of it!

All too often lately it is being driven home that life is short... love freely and often.  And be grateful for it all!