is the sky falling...

As the "official" new year begins, it feels ominously quiet outside.  A deep darkness that doesn't seem to want to fade into sunlight.  After almost three weeks off, Hubs has headed back to work, the kids returned home, and life is returning to a normal rhythm.  But back to the darkness for a moment, it's after 7am and it is still a cloaking darkness, there is a slight lightening on the horizon, but it's still.  

I guess it feels a bit more creepy due to the fact that here in the metro east we have had two meteorites seen and felt in as many days. Hubs and I were oblivious, but when you live in a world with two big, playful pups and an equally playful Hubs... well, strange noises aren't often noticed.  They are usually drowned out by the chaos of play. 

Just knowing and then being in the heavy darkness as I hauled out the trash can this morning was a bit unsettling. After a week of above average temps, I mean seriously the highest in recorded history - what gives?  We immediately plunged back into our normal biting cold.  Gotta love the mid-west.  

I'm not much of a New Years' kind of gal.  It feels awkward and manufactured to me.  I tend to lean towards a celebratory mood as we edge into springtime.  It feels natural, the world is waking up, there is a newness all around and life feels ready to restart. So needless to say, yesterday was a nothing kind of day for us.  More of an administrative thing.  We ran a few errands, did a few chores and basically caught up on life.  How about you? 

Today, will truly be a bit more of the same.  Hubs being back at work, means the normal flow of days is returning. I have quite a few projects that I intend to tackle this month, with or without a working thumb. I have things that I have decided are deeply important to me to focus on this year, and I intend to do it. 

For years many things have lingered.  No plans to make them reality, just assuming they would come to life on their own.  Strangely (yes I am being factitious) they have not.  Therefore, I have decided to tackle them in the same manner that I would have tackled tasks needing done back when I "worked" in the outside world.  I need to plan. I've spent the past few weeks doing just that.  

Now comes the implementation part of these plans.  Beau will have meds soon and I will swing into my routine.  It feels weird after almost a month.  But also a bit stabilizing.  I am not a sit around kind of person, I thrive with things of value to do.  I know that I get fussy when paused, and this darn thumb has definitely paused me.  Although, I have to own it, I mean, I did cause the damage in a fit of temper.  There are times I absolutely amaze myself. How many people can claim to have broken a thumb making Christmas cookies?  Because this girl 100% can!  Typing is a challenge as it took me several seconds and errors to realize I couldn't use my splint to press the key I wanted... geez... only a few more weeks of this insanity.  I keep telling myself that we can all survive anything for six weeks, as I get fussier and fussier. 

The sky is now a heavy gray, no signs of blue, no definition to the clouds.  Looks like it is simply going to be a dreary, cold day.  To a degree it still looks like something I would've envisioned out of the Stephen King novels I read in my youth, soulless and still.  YUCK! Guess I'll be keeping the curtains drawn as I sew and do projects today.  Who needs that kind of gloominess surrounding them?

I've no idea if I will manage to write consistently in 2026.  Honestly, it depends on my spirit and desire.  I won't ever force myself.  And I think I need a new bingo card for 2026, because it seems to be coming in hot and busy... I guess we'll see.  What about you? 

Much love, 

b

oh hello...

It's beautiful and peaceful out in the garden this morning.  The critters are singing their songs and there is just the slightest hint of noise from the non-natural world.  Random trucks and cars out on the highways.  Far off in the distance.  I just re-read the blog that I never got around to finishing on Thursday.  Decided to spend the time with Hubs and simply never got back to it.  

I was talking about the incredible loudness of the morning. It was the morning before the impending rail strike.  It felt like the train engineers were throwing a full fledged tantrum. Starting at 430 am until well after 6 am, you could barely hold a conversation out on the deck and the sound was echoing inside just as loudly.  Non-stop horns for literally hours.  The tracks are several miles from our home, but they run along the ridge to the valley, so everyone had the benefit of their displeasure. It was nerve wrecking and migraine inducing.  

I remember telling Hubs that I could never remember it being so loud.  He agreed.  It was almost painful, as if you were standing beside one of the horns while it was being blown, for hours. By Friday morning, it was back to the occasional whistle and then nothing.  All weekend it was peaceful and this morning, I haven't heard a single whistle, I can hear the trains moving along, but they are doing so in silence. 

I guess they were trying to get the worlds attention.  Trying to literally wake people up to their plight.  I get it, I guess... If we don't speak up, we are forever silenced when the moment comes. 

Hubs has been busy working for the past few hours.  I was hoping that we'd have time for coffee this morning, but he has some early morning meetings and then it's back to the grindstone time.  The price one pays for taking vacation time. It's okay.  I understand.  He's got a lot going on right now and he needs to focus on it for a bit. 

I'm guilty as well. After all it's only 6 am and I have already started laundry and planning my day as well.  It's going to be a full one.  Chores to do and hopefully a bit of time for pure creativity.  I remember the days of trying to get everything done, because of non-stop deadlines.  There were times I thrived on it and times I resented it.  My deadlines are different now, but still present.  Now they are self-induced and driven by nature and natural things. 

Yesterday we sat out in the garden under the umbrella as it rained gently, Hubs helped me to shell a case of purple hulled peas we'd picked up at the Amish market.  It was a time to chat, work and enjoy being together.  Later in the day, he helped me prepare the case of green beans we'd picked up as well. Sometimes just being with your favorite person doing a menial task, makes light work of it. I assure you that canning 21 pints of green beans is menial, tiresome and back breaking.  Having someone to chat and laugh with makes it better. 

Thursday ended up being a rough day, one of the reasons I didn't finish my blog. I can laugh about Thursday now, but I couldn't then.  The puppies decided to unravel and strew three balls of yarn from one end of the living room to the other side of the sitting room, wrapping it around tables, chairs and fans.  All mixed up together.  It was the yarn for the sweater I am half-way through making.  I definitely sat and cried for the three plus hours it took to clean that mess up. I am fairly positive they were letting me know that I had been working too much and not playing with them enough.  I mean, they are babies.

I learned my lesson, after correcting them for doing it and cleaning it all up, the three of us went on an adventure to the river.  I let them run themselves silly, splash in the water at the edge and spent lots of time on just them.  In fact the majority of our three day weekend was spent giving them love, time and attention.  We took them to another beach on our way home from the Amish market and discovered that both of our babies are very strong swimmers and they enjoyed the heat of the day, by swimming in the shallow river after running up and down the beach for what felt like an eternity. 

We'd planned on going to a couple of craft fairs, decided to take the puppies hiking instead.  There are so many incredible places to do things literally in our back yard.  We explored the Phantom Forest with the babies, where they encountered their first box turtle, we climbed the hills and explored deep into the valley.  It was a rather strenuous hike for being literally in the heart of town.  Tucked neatly in between subdivisions was a hilly paradise.  

As we climbed up exploring this new little bit of heaven, I couldn't help but marvel that I was climbing pain free, as if the years of pain from a failing knee had never even happened.  Hubs barely had to help me, except on a few super steep declines (declines are still a bit tricky) and I was able to keep up with all of them. At times I was even in the lead.  The hill was definitely higher than it appeared from the street.  

If you haven't guessed, I thrive in nature.  The time I spend outdoors feels like time spent in the presence of God.  I needed it this weekend. I would have loved to go to the craft/reenactment events, Hubs was definitely game to do so.  I was the one that changed the plans.  I simply needed the peace of nature, not the anxiety of being around hundreds of people. 

It was the perfect choice for us.  Puppies got spoiled, Hubs and I enjoyed a combination of relaxation, exercise and rejuvenation an all around win/win scenario. 

Today, we move back into the daily routine.  It feels as if the world is building to some kind of crescendo, like we are watching a suspenseful movie or listening to a great orchestra building up the tension before the final scene.  I think I am simply happiest not being a part of it. 

It's almost a quarter to seven, the sun is starting to make it's presence known, the birds are starting to chirp and my two hummingbird friends just flew up singing their songs.  All seems to be the promise of a bright new start to the week.  We've moved into our second summer and the temps are going to be quite warm, might have to take the pups to the river a few times this week... but for now, in the coolness of the morning, I need to get busy putting up the rest of the harvest and collecting seeds for next years plantings. 

Spend a bit of time alone in nature.  Turn off your phone and simply disconnect. Take whatever moments you can steal and spend them with those that are absolutely most important.  It's a powerful healer for all that ails you.

love and peace... 

time alone...

Such a quiet morning.  The critters in the woods haven't even really woken up yet.  My little hummingbird that visited until bedtime last night is back bright and early. I never realized they chirped until last night.  She's been singing to me again this morning, announcing her arrival and departure.  I am going to make more sugar water for her in just a few moments and fill the feeders both again, she's almost emptied the one we filled on Saturday.  Must be getting ready for her southern flight. 

I saw one of the squirrels a few moments ago, but haven't heard their raucous play yet.  I guess they are just waking up too.  The only sound is the insects chirping and echoing back to one another.  I love mornings like this.  

Hubs is visiting Sis in Alabama this weekend, so I am solo with the pups.  I was pretty wiped out yesterday, he'd made his family quilt and I promised to get it quilted before he left.  I knew it wouldn't take more than 4 hours total. 

I had more than enough time, things were going super smooth and it should have been finished before dinner and BAM things started heading downhill.  I had to remove about 2 full rows of a 69 inch wide quilt because the machine wasn't holding tension.  Talk about frustration.  And it couldn't have been the easy peasy removal, it had to be the difficult some stitches were super loose and some were super tight... two hours later I was beyond frustrated and could see the disappointment in his eyes that he might not be able to take it with him to show his sis.  Those are not challenges I take lightly. 

Hub's "A Star is Born" quilt!

Ended up a small piece had fallen out of my binding casing during one of the bobbin changes, I didn't discover it, until long after I finally had the tension issue sorted out.  By that time, I was getting a touch tired and just popped it back in, without considering all the adjustments I'd made to get it stitching right again.  Yep, some scenario.  Uggghhhh.... frustration.

I finally got it all fixed and working right and all of the bad stitches pulled back out, and put the final hand stitch in the label at 1:15 am.  A bit of a late night for me.  Unfortunately, I was pretty wired from being awake past my bedtime and ended up ultimately getting only two and half hours of sleep.  It was quite a day.  

Even running on lack of sleep I was so happy to get his quilt finished up for him.  He did such an amazing job, it's only his sixth quilt, and each one impresses me even more.  He picked the colors, and his choice for the borders really made it pop! He doesn't give himself enough credit. 

Four days alone, spread out to do whatever I would like feels like a bit of paradise.  Don't get me wrong, I love my time with Hubs.  He is my absolute heart and best friend.  But sometimes having completely unstructured time is good for the soul. I still need to feed my puppies and play with them, but that is different. Being only responsible for yourself is different. 

Yesterday, I did some cleaning, canning, napping and knitting.  I spent hours sitting on the deck in silence last night with a small glass of wine and my pups.  We enjoyed the sounds of the night as the sun slowly sank and then turned on the lights and simply sat.  It was peaceful and gave me a chance to just soak up the silence and peace surrounding me. 

This morning, I have puttered in the garden, watered the freshly planted beans (it's totally an experiment, my horticultural beans had started to sprout... so waste not, want not - hopefully we will have enough pleasant days to get a fall harvest), talked to Hubs and sat here drinking my coffee while listening to the woods wake up.  The birds are just starting to sing, soon the sun will be fully over the horizon, not just kissing it and the world will be fully awake. 

Today will be busy, because much like most days I have some canning to do, I picked up a bushel of apples at the Amish market and I plan to make a bunch of applesauce.  I also want to  find a source of crab apples,  Found a recipe that I really want to try, I just don't happen to have a crab apple tree.  Anyone have one that wouldn't mind sharing??  The difference is that one of my friends is going to come for a visit and help me.  I can't wait!  Since we don't work together any longer, I really don't have much of an opportunity to spend time with her. 

My world is so different now.  My personal bucket is filled to over flowing daily.  But, I miss the folks that I hardly get to see anymore. I'm thankful to be able to communicate with them daily, but nothing beats quality one on one time.  That's why Hubs is out of town.  He's been missing his sister a lot lately and wishing the miles weren't so great between us. I completely understand. 

Can you see them? 
They are about 15 feet from me.

The chill in the morning air is reminding me to call for a load of firewood this week.  Soon it will be fall and the chill will turn deeper.  I have heard that you can tell the kind of winter you are expecting by the size of the acorns on the trees.  The bigger they are the more nature is preparing for the animals to be able to survive a long cold winter.  We have a huge oak tree in the back yard, I've admired it for 8 years, I've also wondered why I've never seen acorns on it, last night while sitting here I noticed that it not only has acorns it has an abundance of HUGE acorns on it. I don't know if it's an old wives tale or not, but I guess I should be ready for some quality inside time. 

Oh my, looks like I have a pair of hummingbirds darting around now.  I took a few moments pause to fill the feeder and now we have lots of company.  I love watching them get a drink and then fly up to the light string and pause for a rest, while chirping away. 

At some point tonight I will finish the last 3 inches of my Icelandic wool sweater that I am making for myself. I was so excited to find the wool at a reasonable price.  I'd heard so many great things about it and really wanted to try it.  I did a simple pattern that wouldn't take forever, just in case I hated it and had to list it in "that" sweaters column.  So far, I am in love.  It's a top down, so I was able to try it on after finishing the first sleeve.  The yarn is not at all soft and fluffy, but it is light and warm.  It's a traditional wool, so it is a bit scratchy, I'm hoping some of that softens up a bit when I soak it before blocking it.  We'll see.  Either way, I'm in love with the pattern and the color and can't wait for the chill in the air that will allow me to wear it. 

I rarely make things for myself, I am forever giving away the things I create to others.  I've shifted.  I am working on all the me projects that have been sitting around waiting for someday.  My socks, sweaters, scarves, mittens, quilts... it feels good. I don't know why I never thought about doing it before. 

Once I finish this one, I have another yarn that I have been waiting a year to use, I will cast on for the next sweater.  I'm trying to determine if I have enough of this beautiful yarn.  It's a handspun that Hubs bought me last year at the Kinmundy Cabins fall festival.  I fell in love with the color, so he decided I needed all of it that they had. I guess we will find out.  If I don't have enough, I could always make the collar and cuffs a coordinating color, or maybe I will make a sweater vest with it.  This one is soft and cozy, I can't wait. 

super hot peppers for drying

As much as I want to linger and observe the hummers and morning awaken, its time to start the day. Those apples won't magically become applesauce.  And I have a lot of things needing harvested and processed too from the garden. Time to start the other things that bring me joy... I hate to leave the beauty out here, rain is moving in, so I won't be able to sit here and savor the beauty tonight. 

Enjoy your magical weekend, find the things that bring you joy and pursue them with wild abandon.  And find a bit of time to spend truly by yourself without any other human, no matter how much you love them, it definitely refills your bucket so you have more to give to others later. 

love and prayers...

little moments...

I needed a break.  Ya know the kind where you simply go deep inside your heart and work out your feelings and thoughts. The kind of break where you spend time with humans that make you heart strong and doing the things that fill you with joy and a sense of accomplishment.  Hubs and I spent the weekend with the girl, our friend and each other.  We worked on our to do list, we tended our garden, we sat in our garden and we simply were.  It was exactly the band-aid I needed. 

There is too much in this world right now that is ugly, uncivilized, hate-filled and just plain sad.  I get tired of the non-stop onslaught of it all.  And when it gets to be far too heavy of a load, I sit in my garden and savor the life that I have been given to live.  

Stole Dad's chair

This morning, it's cool and breezy.  I'm enjoying the peace and quiet that we were robbed of yesterday.  Listening to the birds chirping, watching the swooping around jockeying for the best spot on the feeders.  My sweet pups are out here laying around my feet on their travel mats, they are definitely creatures of comfort and prefer to not have to lie on the wood.  Its down right tranquil. 

This weekend was a blessing. Hubs did some barbecuing, most of our meals were harvested fresh from the garden.  We enjoyed most of it out on the back deck under the umbrella. Saturday night we sat out here for literally hours talking, laughing, listening to a mix of beautiful jazz and 90's country while drinking amazing wines that we have collected in our travels.  Talking about life, hopes, dreams.  Our kiddo's and our plans for this incredible journey we are on. 

I did a few chores, a bit of canning (didn't want all that beautiful produce to go bad), finished one of the quilts and simply existed. 

Yesterday I thought about getting back into the groove of things.  I kind of did.  But to be honest, the incredibly rude landscaping crew that decided to start sawing concrete blocks at 7:30 in the morning coating my deck, air conditioner, Hubs truck, my garden and my coffee  not to mention the incredible amount of noise pollution literally ALL day... pretty much shot that in the foot.  My zen was definitely destroyed. 

I'm all about folks doing the things and making their area nice and to their liking.  It needs to be wrapped in a blanket of courtesy.  Respect for those around you. When one of the couples a few houses down worked on their space they even put letters in everyone's mailboxes apologizing for the disruption, giving warning of what was coming and did everything to prep everyone.  So first thing on a Monday morning filling my coffee with cement dust was simply not how I intended to start the day. 

So far this whole experience has been less than pleasant.  Without a conversation or any warning what's so ever a large branch was cut off my holly tree - I guess it was in the way of the equipment.  The grass that we worked so hard to finally grow in the space between homes, at considerable expense of time and money is destroyed and Hubs had to wash cement grim off his truck and the air conditioning unit as it was solidly covered this morning. I'm glad he noticed when he turned on the water for me this morning. Slowed him down getting busy on his day, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. 

Again, is it so hard to simply give a warning?  

Seems there is a lot of that going on lately.  In every walk of life.  I think that is why I felt strongly about shutting down.  I am fairly certain that a lot of my friends thought I was joking with the meme I shared concerning being alone.  I wasn't.  

Being alone, or being in your small tribe of people is an amazing feeling. It heals my soul, when the world gets far too heavy and lately that is often. 

I am going to have a very difficult time getting up from this deck and heading inside to do my chores, it's absolutely beautiful out here this morning.  It's as cool as a spring day, the sunshine is dancing between the leaves as the wind blows them gently around.  

Although the babies and I just got the stuffing scared out of us by a bird disagreement at the feeders which led to us getting dive bombed by a blue-jay. It missed my head by inches, let me tell you when the buzz past that fast it's  loud and unsettling.  Both babies tried to jump in my lap they were so frightened. Yes they are still babies and they are big scaredy cats. 

Okay, well... the kids in the neighborhood are awake and ready to play outside, so it will definitely make it easier to go in and do my chores.  The laughter filling the air is sweet and all, but definitely not conducive to concentration and I'm not good enough at blocking things out.  Guess it's the good Lord's way of reminding me that I have things to do and need to get on it. 

Yesterday I harvested a large batch of pickling cukes, before the pups ate anymore of them, I tried yet another way of making pickles.  So far this is my fourth batch, I did not like the first ones at all!  I haven't gotten to try the other three yet as I am fermenting them. I want crunchy pickles, I do not like mushy ones at all.  I will succeed eventually.  I will have that same flavor and crunch that my dear friends mom's did all those years ago.  I am on a mission.  Might need to plant more pickles next year to achieve it, but I will succeed.  

Today, I am going to make up a few batches of corn cob jelly.  It is amazing, strange but true.  I want to try a couple of batches that are completely sugar free.  

I also need to harvest all of the jalapeno's, these little plants put out so many it's unreal.  I want to try to save a few of the seeds and hopefully grown them again next year.  We'll see how it goes, I do not know if they are gmo seeds or not.  

A lot of the gmo seeds cannot be saved.  I found that out this year with my marigolds that I seed harvested a couple of years ago.  I've never not had marigolds grow like crazy from saved seeds in my life. I was talking to my friend this weekend and she was sharing how the flowers she bought and planted were tiny and never really filled out (same experience I've been having which is why I didn't get any this year), but the ones that she grew from seed are huge and beautiful. I need to remember to ask her to save me some seeds. 

I'm actually working on saving seeds from all of my plants that I am getting great harvests from and also the ones that I getting from the Amish market.  I have several different colored peppers that we have loved this year drying now.  One can never save too many seeds. 

Okra flowers

As I was sitting here this morning I noticed a few of my okra plants are starting to get flowers!  I love okra for several reasons, it's wonderful seasoned up and popped in the air fryer and the flowers are so incredibly beautiful.  I have them growing with my peppers.  It's insane the difference in pepper plants that are surrounded by okra, they are filled with beautiful peppers, the ones that are either by themselves or with basil are not producing as well.  I'm so glad that I learned to companion plant.  What a difference it makes. 

Blue Borage Flower

Well, the critters in the trees are chirping away - sounds like it is a large mass of insects throughout the woods carrying on a conversation with each other, the sound swells in one location and as it fades another group starts further into the woods.  It's so beautiful.  Eighteen months ago, I missed all of this.  I wasn't able to be one with nature to this degree, I was also in a very dark place mentally and emotionally.  Now, I have moments that wear me down, but a few hours (or days) out here in paradise and my world is upright and ready to go again.

I highly recommend spending some time enjoying nature, letting it soothe your soul and fill your heart.... It's time for me to get with it... 

I see you... welcome to the garden

love and peace...

this world is wonky...

The sun hasn't quite risen yet, the birds are all waking up, the sound of them calling through the trees is one of my favorite sounds.  It calms my soul. I should shut the deck door, but I'm not ready, I need to listen for a bit. 

I don't know what caused me to have a sense of pure anxiety and panic this morning around 3 am.  I'd semi-realized that Hubs was up and moving around, just as I started to drift back to sleep I felt it.  No reason that I know of, everyone is okay (as far as I know), yet there it was that familiar feeling I get when things are wrong in my immediate circle of loved ones.  Anxiety, pressure, the skin on my head feeling like a million bugs are moving just under the surface.  After a few moments it went away, but it sure shot down any chance of going back to sleep.  When folks wake up I will do a check just to make sure it was nothing. Prayers are up and fingers are crossed. 

So question... did anyone else ever watch the original Twilight Zone?  Anyone else starting to feel like we are living it?  So many times lately I am struck by scattered memories of the shows being our reality now. Predictive programming?  Not sure, but wow. 

My daughter made a comment about books and how she couldn't understand anyone buying them in this day and age, you have the internet.  I love books, I love to write and leave notes on my recipes, etc., but when she said it I remembered the episode with the old man in the library.  Burgess Meredith, alone surrounded by stacks of books, finally having time to read and he broke his glasses.  Is that where we are heading? Will everything be digital, no one owning a solid copy?  Will there always be people like me left behind because we love the old ways?

While I was surfing this morning I noticed an article about a dust wall that happened yesterday up in parts of South Dakota, Iowa and Nebraska.  Those were some incredibly fascinating pictures and videos. Terrifying also. It looked like a giant wall of dirt, something straight out of a movie scene.  There haven't been many pictures of the aftermath posted, but those that have been are worrisome.  I've heard a lot of power lines and trees are down.  

I'm sure that these things have been happening forever, I'm not positive, but nature seems to always have a cycle to it.  What I was struck the hardest by was the realization that the pictures this morning were so reminiscent of the ones we grew up learning the dust bowl of the 1930's looked like.  The only difference was the beautiful landscaped yards and homes vs the shacks of the 1930's and of course color photos vs monochrome.

It looks like we have a bit of rain moving in today and sticking around for at least a week. Seems they've been dealing with an ongoing drought, just like most of the western states outside of Oregon and Washington.

I hope the people affected are okay, I didn't read of any loss of life, but definitely loss and destruction of property. My heart hurt.  How much more can we take?  We have large parts of our country on fire again, this has almost become an expected terror in recent years, not sure what we've changed, but something has.  This has been a year of unexpected temperatures in other areas, on both the high and low side of things. And it isn't just our country.  I am fairly sure it was Australia yesterday that had several weeks... maybe months I was just stunned looking at all the water... worth of rain fall in a two day period.

Mother Nature seems to be as angry as most folks are getting. 

To top it off it seems there is something we should all be concerned about with the WHO.  And the possibility of a serious violation of our constitutional rights and the changes are being put forward by our own government.  Don't know about you, but what I am seeing out of China is not something I would like to have happen here in this country.  And it is a distinct possibility.  Again, fairly positive changes like that should need a majority of the country saying yes. Not just an unelected bureaucrat in DC. 

Hmmm... maybe there is another reason I woke up in full anxiety mode today. 

I am getting ready to get busy for the day, I have a lot to do.  With the storms moving in there is yard stuff that has to be finished today.  I need to pick the remaining radishes, it looks like the heat is causing the rest of them to bolt.  Makes me sad, but I knew it would happen.  I was worried about the peas, but it looks like I might actually get some as they are now flowering like crazy. I never did get the tomatoes planted yesterday, so I think I will do that before the sun comes up and starts heating everything up. 

I had Hubs pick up some more tomatoes last night because I realized yesterday that we had officially eaten or gifted the last jar of the stewed tomatoes I had made and Hubs loves them. So I will get those made up today and I have a couple of stews to complete, I was too tired to finish yesterday.  Today is also the day to finish up the chores I haven't made time to complete this week.  

And with the pups officially off of convalescence, it's time to return my house to normal.  Taking things off the furniture and putting them back where they belong.  It will be nice to start moving more freely around our home again. 

So much to do... it's definitely time to get busy... 

love and peace...
 

questioning norms...

The wind chimes are going absolutely nuts this morning, the trees are bending and bowing in the wind, and there are almost no leaves left on them, except for the stubborn ones that hold on until almost January.  I can see the lights over on our daughter's street from my comfy chair.  It feels like winter is getting ready to make it's appearance known.  There will be a few more warm days.  They are popping in and out as a reminder that winter hasn't officially arrived yet. 

I have a bit more unpacking from our trip to take care of today and then I am ready to tackle the world.  Or at least my small part of it.  I need to shift gears and start wrapping and labeling gifts, I need to start packing the boxes that need to be mailed.  The mail service is so spotty lately that I am afraid their gifts won't arrive to put under their trees if I don't get them out soon. 

I'm fighting a strong urge to slow down, to not push as hard as normal. 

I have seen a few things lately that address the strong human need to hibernate in the winter, just like all of the other animals do.  I get it.  As the leaves fall, the winds start to roar and the temperatures drop, I long to simply slow down.  I never really connected the two before.  I just feel at a very core level that this is the time to slow.  To rest. To rejuvenate.  It makes complete sense. As the longer nights beacon us to rest, we humans have been conditioned to push through.  To just keep going.  Instead of hearing the very primal call of Mother Nature.  

I've been pondering a lot about the things that we have been programmed to fight against almost since birth. We fight our circadian rhythms non-stop almost from the time we are born.  We give babies a bit of grace, but immediately push them to start sleeping through the night.  I wonder how different we would be if we truly gave into our own nature driven circadian cycle.  Our kids are all grown, and now that I don't have an alarm waking me, I find I have shifted even more in how I naturally sleep and exist. 

Here's the thing, I am calmer, I have very little stress.  And the lack of stress isn't because there is nothing to worry about, there still are many things to worry over.  I simply don't find myself reacting to those things in the same manner.  There are many times that I don't sleep as much as I used to, but I am far more rested and alert.  I have a greater ability to cope with life. 

I rarely do anything now that my body isn't simply asking for.  Hubs still wants to eat at the prescribed times.  I don't often do that.  I will fix his meals, but I won't personally eat until I am actually hungry.  If I am tired at six at night, I crawl into bed without the slightest bit of guilt or regret.  And if I wake up at three in the morning, and feel I cannot go back to sleep, I don't.  I get up, I do things and if I get tired again, I sleep.  If I don't, then I don't. 

I am learning to reset myself into my own circadian rhythm.  And the change in me as a person is profound.  I can't help but wonder, if we got rid of clocks and everyone was able to naturally adjust to their personal internal clock if society as a whole would be far better off.  Morning people, would still be morning people, night people would be night people.  But people as a whole would be better adjusted, more balanced and in far better moods. 

I don't think the rigid structure that we have pushed society into is beneficial to anyone. Look at our children they are waking at stupid early hours to go and sit in a box all day.  Is that truly helping them to learn?  Or are they memorizing and being brainwashed.  Because they are tired and weary, not bright and inquisitive? Do they follow things they are passionate about, allowed to use their imaginations and explore the world around them?  Can they do that in their little sterile boxes? Are they even awake and alert enough to absorb, comprehend and question the information or is that the idea in the first place? Children need more sleep, yet we force them to get less, why?  What is the benefit?

I'm a long way past school age, but the classes I remember were tactile, hands on, ones that involved field trips to explore the topics we were learning about. Ones where I learned useful information. I have never stopped learning and growing my own knowledge base.  It is eclectic and vast.  If something intrigues me, I will jump feet first into it, learning everything I can, like a sponge soaking up a spill.  I will continue to explore it, to delve into the nuts and bolts of it.  

If something bores me, I will walk away.  Maybe not physically, but mentally.  I remember not to long ago being required to participate in things that to me didn't feel designed to teach, but to program, to create a desired response and action.  I can tell you, my brain shut down hard.  I tuned it out.  I simply went through the motions. And if I was tired because it fell during the time of the day that I struggle with... well then it was a completely lost cause.  And if you were to go through my piles of old papers you would see massive amounts of doodling and drawing.  I had checked out.  I was done. 

I question if the whole point of the structure that we find ourselves living in isn't to stifle our inquisitive nature, if it isn't to block the natural flow and make us far more compliant.  When worn and out of sorts we often become malleable, we tune out.  We no longer seem to question or explore we simply exist.

I know... serious rabbit hole here... welcome to some of the crazy things that occur to me now that I have time to think and pursue a life that brings me joy and fulfillment.  I often find myself questioning many things and exploring with a childlike wonder the environment around me.  

Have you ever watched a youth soccer game?  Do you remember the kiddo that is supposed to be goalie or part of the defense when the other team is controlling the ball at the far end of the field?  Do you remember seeing them looking at the flowers, the clovers, maybe the ants crawling through the grass unaware that there is anything going on around them?  Or maybe they are gazing at the clouds looking for shapes and birds?  That is how I feel.  I am that child.  I am aware that there is an entire world swirling around me, I am also aware that I am still a part of it, but I am off staring at the world around me with fresh and different eyes. 

I wish I could draw everyone around me into this experience.  I still want to be a productive part of our society, I want to experience abundance.  But I also want to be a part of a better society.  One that thinks, one that questions, one that understands our deep connection with nature and works in the natural world, not fighting against it. I simply don't want to be programmed any longer.  

Okay... this woman evidently needs to go and just enjoy her fire, hot coffee and listen to her wind chimes.  Maybe just watch the beauty unfolding around me as the sun breaks over the horizon.  I am not so sure that today is a day that will find me fitting in nicely with the path of society. 

love and peace...

accept the help...

Three weeks... almost on the dot.  I had just hit the recovery room exactly three weeks ago.  As I was standing up working on a small pile of ironing just now, I was marveling at how far I've come in three very short weeks. 

I am far from independent.  There are moments that my cane is my friend and my bed is an even better friend.  But most days I am able to walk independently of Hubs or the cane.  I can manage to navigate spaces and each day I am standing for longer periods of time.  

I can't say I sleep great, but I am sure that is a combination of several things.  I am one of those people that go to sleep in one position and rarely shift in the night, FYI - a leg recovering from major surgery is not a fan of staying in one position for more than 4 - 5 hours.  At which point it will wake me and force me to reconsider my sleeping choices.  Additionally, I miss my bed, each day I practice climbing in and out of it, I am hopeful by this weekend I can return to my personal nest.  I need my calming blues, my fans - not air conditioners, and the deeper darkness the back of the house provides. I also think that my new found habit of napping whenever the mood hits me is definitely not helping my ability to sleep more than 6 hours a night.  

Sweet Hubs is a very early riser, so we have had some great opportunities to enjoy each other's company.  Sitting in the treetop garden watching the world wake up.  Strolling for my walk in the wee hours of the morning, looking for shooting stars and admiring the beauty around us. And just talking.  I cherish time with this guy!

But most importantly, I am returning to feeling like a contributing human.  I am even slightly able to assist with meal prep and the like. 

Oh don't get me wrong, I still have massive fussy moments.  Where the frustration of wanting to do something completely overwhelms my rational mind and forces me into a pretty dark funk. I hit that spot a few times this past weekend.  It was beautiful out.  Hubs was doing yard work, and puttering around the house.  I was feeling useless. 

That sweet man does not believe in a no win situation.  Instead of telling me to simply enjoy resting, to sit a bit more and look longingly out the window, each day he found things that I could navigate, I could participate in and enjoy.  

He took me with him on errands and I figured out how to use the silly carts at the various shops we needed things from.  I can't say all of them instilled confidence and as someone that will only need them temporarily, I worry for those people that need to rely on them long term.  Maintenance people, geez.  

Instead of going into Michaels to pick up the few threads that I needed for my quilt block (which truthfully would have been much faster for him) he took me to pick it myself.  I knew I wouldn't be in there long and that I didn't need to go far, so my hardheadedness led me to simply walk slowly with my cane to my threads.  I did concede and let Hubs bend over for them, but let me assure you it was a difficult concession.  

I am not sure why it is so hard to ask for and accept help.  I used to get so mad at him for not allowing me to give him assistance as he dealt with both hip replacements and the battle with staph that came between.  I would be infuriated with his refusal for help when he desperately needed it.  Yet, here I am being the same ornery brat. In fact most folks I know will not ask for nor willingly accept help. Why do we do that?

I suffered a bit for my determination, but it was worth it, each day that I push through and push just a bit more I gain more movement and more independence.  I was only able to manage 100 yards the first walk down the road and back.  The last walk was 300 yards.  Each day a bit more opens up to me. 

I am a total outdoors freak if you haven't figured it out yet.  Not a fan of the extreme heat, but any chance I have to be outside fills my very life force.  Until yesterday I still wasn't strong enough to spend much time in my gardens and the tiny view from my assortment of chairs was definitely not fitting the bill.  So my sweet Hubs took me to Lone Elk Park.  I love to travel through and enjoy the beauty and solitude.  Searching through the vast openings in search of the deer, elk and bison can entertain me for hours. 

And this time it almost did.  As hot as it was you would not have anticipated so much activity from the occupants, but they were super busy!  The deer, elk and raccoons felt it was a great day to slowly parade up and down the roads, stopping traffic to admire their independence and pray that they didn't decide to ram your vehicle instead of pleasurably strolling past.  

The lake hasn't really recovered, but seems to be holding it's own, which is so important for those sweet animals and their survival.  We watched quite a few swirls, so at least some occupants of the lake survived the sink hole.  

The bison never cease to amaze me and we found most of them all gathered together in a deep shaded valley, not at all looking bothered by the 95+ temperatures.  The babies were so adorable, alternating between lying and standing, a couple were even rolling in the dust, trying to get rid of those pesky flies. 

The elk are something else all together.  There are often groups of them scattered randomly throughout the park.  We didn't see any of the really big guys with their full rack of antlers, who knows how deep into the stillness they had gone in search of relief.  We found a small group of ladies cooling in the shade overlooking the lake and a couple of other's off on their own adventures.  The little youngster just growing into his legs and antlers was hysterical and definitely had me sliding back into my seat a little further as he considered sticking his head in the window for a moment. 

I will probably never be brave enough to go to Lone Elk Park and have a picnic or hike.  I have a healthy respect for wild animals in their own space, I also don't do ticks, and the plethora of signs warning of heavy tick infestation is enough to insure I don't leave our truck. 

It's silly how something so simple as enjoying animals and nature can bring one back to center, but as usual it did.  I enjoyed spending time with Hubs enjoying the wildlife, the beauty of the surroundings and simply time together.  I know he had a ton of stuff he wanted to get done, so the fact that he went out of his way to make my weekend less confined was deeply appreciated. 

Shortly today I am going to head into my studio (I like how that sounds), I have several projects that need my attention and I am finally feeling mobile enough to start. I have to modify the way I will handle some of it, as I can't stand for very long, and ironing large pieces often requires that.  I'm pretty clever and I am sure I will figure out the way to modify it, I'm nothing if not creative and persistent. 

Lessons learned lately... accept the help...