diabetes...

Just over two years ago Hubs and I embarked on a journey that was important to him.  I was not impressed, in fact I was a bit upset.  I am definitely not a joiner - and he insisted I become a joiner.  It was a small group.  An intimate setting and a calm environment.  It was not something I wanted to do, but out of love for him and because I'd just received the results of my annual physical and been diagnosed as pre-diabetic (something I am not even sure I shared with hubs) I agreed.

Initially we did fantastic, then things like Hubs hurting his back, me taking on a huge task at my Y (I mean if you consider closing a 93 year old Y and opening a new one a huge task.  I might just be being a wimp). But for 6 months we were hitting all of our bench marks, we lost that first initial 7% in no time at all.  Between the two of us we'd lost in excess of 70 pounds, both of us were in a much better place physically.

Then life happened.  In the hustle and bustle of living we lost the energy and focus.  We'd gone back to survival mode and the standard American diet (SAD - how ironic).  It was easier in our state of exhaustion to ignore all those hard earned lessons, settle down with a pizza and beer and relax after a hard day of work.

Fast forward...

That's how we've been living life.  Deep down knowing what needs to happen, ignoring it.  I had wanted so badly to share my new found knowledge, becoming a lifestyle coach and helping other's just like me over come bad habits was something burning deep in my soul.  Unfortunately, the training was all happening at the time that work was particularly overwhelming.  I was a brand new exec with a LOT to learn just in my new role, top that off with opening a new Y... yep you guessed it pure chaos, unrelenting stress and no time for anything! In the midst of all of it that burning fire, became an ember always there, but kind of shuffled down deep.

It was still a goal, but it had to wait.  There was time.

Then January came... and Dad started the final few months of his life.  I'm not going to dig back through it, it's too painful and I am not strong enough to walk through each moment again. The jagged edges of the memories are still too sharp.

My Dad was a diabetic.  It isn't directly what killed him.  His heart tearing is what did that. But the diabetes made it that much harder to treat him, heal him, save him.  And we all know they weren't able to save him.  I wish I could say that physically the last almost decade of my Dad's life was easy and enjoyable.  It wasn't. He died way too early.  No the smoking didn't help, and the stroke was definitely not conducive to a healthy life.  But that damn diabetes is truly what stole him from us. 

Every day he had to stick himself multiple times.  Things he enjoyed were stolen from him.  He suffered from many of the ailments that diabetes brings. 

He suffered.

He had type 2 Diabetes.  Who knows if he was predisposed to getting it or if a lifetime of choices led him there.  I'm not a doctor, nor was I intimately aware of his medical state. 

As I started to come out of my shock of losing him, if that is something you can truly come out of. Or maybe it was just coming to terms with it.  I realized that I was pushing myself back into that same dark hole I'd struggled to crawl out of almost two years earlier.

In the hurt and disbelief I quit caring if dinner involved high fat, highly processed food and a bottle of wine.  Sugar became my friend again.  I simply didn't have the energy or the desire to care. I was heading down a path of destruction.

Hubs had stopped walking before I did and had sadly gained back enough of what he'd lost that he is once again fighting a bulging/herniated disk. Pain shooting down his legs.  Me?  My knee was failing again, my clothes were getting snug, my energy level was almost non-existent and I was getting dangerously depressed.

As I was sliding down this hill, praying for guidance and hope, things kept popping up to shore me up.  Some I saw and ignored, some I saved and ignored.  I wasn't ready to face any of it.  It was easier to ignore it. To plaster a smile on my face and pretend.

Shortly after Daddy's service and the arrival of my ring, two things that dearly changed my life, I felt the fog start to lift. 

I started wanting to join humanity again.

I got an email asking if I had any staff that would be interested in coaching the YMCA Diabetes Prevention Program... duh... me!  I reached out again to ask if I could possibly get certified.  It's not a a position that execs usually strive for.... YES! The sweetest word I could imagine was the reply.

I was a nervous wreck.  Yes I run a Y, of course I don't take or make time to take care of myself, and I am not a health and wellness professional - those are the people I hire.  I am the business manager.  Plain and simple. And I had gained almost 25 pounds since the beginning of the year.  Seriously?  What on earth was I thinking??

I completed all my pre-reqs, took the course, felt like the odd duck in the room.  I'm not young, fit, nor am I a nutrition specialist.  The youngsters in the room were damn intimidating! In fact when it came time to present - I seriously thought I was going to either pass out or throw up.  And of course I drew the last straw - literally.  I was the final presenter.  Figured. Nothing like having the entire day to worry about failing!!

Over lunch I remember giving myself a serious talking to.  I remember spending a bit of time focusing.  Realizing that what I lacked in book smarts and poise I more than made up for in true life experiences.  And most importantly - it mattered deeply to me.  On a very personal level.

Even now as I look at my ring that contains my Dad's ashes - the one that is on my finger when I am awake, I know that I made the perfect choice. The other day I was looking through my emails, catching up from being on vacation.  Buried in the update folder was one from Y-USA.  I am officially certified as a YDPP lifestyle coach.  I did it! 

I've been processing it for a few days. Holding it in my heart like a treasure.  Because the first thing that happened was that it made me cry.  The second thing that happened is that it scared me all over again.  I am sure the first class will terrify me!  I hate being unsure of myself. But deep inside I know that I can help someone else - myself included - not suffer the fate my Dad did.

Hubs and I have started our own health journey over again.  Almost 2 years to the day.  He's doing better than I am - darn men!  But we've both already made huge strides.  He also watched diabetes take his father from him. Pain is a strong motivator for change. Mental and physical.

I'm able to do more working out than he is.  That back is still wearing him down.  I walk again.  Not as much as I'd love to, I definitely took advantage of the beautiful weather and paths in California and I am trying to be intentional about it again now that I am home.  The heat and humidity in this state have me LONGING for the temperate climate of California.  And I am taking advantage of being the leader at the most modern Y in the city and finally making time to participate.  We are transitioning to a very whole food plant based diet.  It's helping us both.

I don't want to lose any more to diabetes.  I want to stop that devil. 

I know that pride is one of the seven deadly sins.  But I am proud of myself for overcoming my own fears, for taking the chance.  I wasn't alone.  My Dad was with me.  Each time I felt like I would rather just go back to my branch and do my own job, I could almost hear him, "you done good baby".  I could hear the last time that he'd told me how proud he was of me and all I had accomplished. Not even a year ago...

My journey is changing daily.  My focus is still scattered.  I feel torn in a million directions.  In fact I feel shattered.  And like some silly kaleidoscope I think my pieces are coming back together in a completely different, but still uniquely beautiful design.

Hugging my son last week, laughing with my daughter and grands, having my amazing husband to share my life with... accomplishing one of my goals and stepping more frequently out of my comfort zone.  These things are solidifying my journey...

Now to get back to working on developing the courage for the next steps...

up, up and away...

36,000 feet above the earth. 

The view is breathtaking and terrifying at the same time. 

I definitely try to not be a white knuckle flyer.  Note I said try.  The fact that I am able to lose myself in my blog is probably going to make this a much easier trip. In just short of three hours I will be landing at LAX.  Off for a summer adventure with the kids in LA.  It's been over two years and I have missed them so much.  I know they were just home for Christmas.  But I haven't had the chance to be out there and enjoy being a part of his world.

I know I've been a bit silent lately.  I've been working on getting my balance back.  It's been a tough journey. And each time I feel like I am feeling centered, I get reminded that I am not. The little things that shouldn't unbalance me, do.  The major things that should tend to just make me shut down.  This journey is not at all what my mind had scripted for me.

Yesterday wasn't scheduled to be a vacation day for me.  Hubs was off, we were trying to get our remaining vacation time in sync so we could spend it together.  We were hoping to... then on Friday we got the call that one of Hub's oldest friends, one of the dearest women I have ever been blessed to know passed away.  It seems like all we have done this year is say goodbyes.  Lots of goodbyes.  Family and friends.  It's been a brutal year!

So we took off yesterday morning for Clarksville, Tennessee. Four and a half hours each direction.  Broken up only by a few sad hours.  Laughing with friends at silly memories and realizing that a very bright light had left us. I keep telling Hubs that if I pass before him, I definitely DO NOT want any of that.  I get the memorial service is for the living, but I have yet to understand the healing part of it.  If anyone wants to remember me at that point, go to dinner, have some drinks and laugh and celebrate my life and legacy.  But don't gather everyone around pictures, an urn or heaven forbid my body and cry.  I will find a way to haunt everyone.

I fear it is just that this year has been so filled with loss.  I'm feeling hard and calloused because of it. 

I will miss not being with Hubs this holiday.  Finding fireworks - or not - because honestly we usually skip them.  Spending time with him and cooking him a good and healthy meal is important to me.  But more than that right now, I need to see my baby.  I haven't seen him since this year of loss has started.  In fact, he's the only one I haven't held in my arms and reassured myself that he is okay.  Heck, I even saw his father on the day my Daddy went to heaven.  I need to reconnect. 

I am not so sure we have big plans.  In fact we will probably just enjoy being together.  I can't wait to cook for him.  I guess that is how I show love, by taking care of my family. It makes me happy.  It fills my bucket.

Speaking of filling buckets and getting back on an even keel, Hubs and I have been walking together again!  He's still in a lot of pain and not doing as much as I am.  We thought that his back would only need 2 shots, but it is appearing it will take a third.  I know they are so painful for him, but much better than the pain of the bulging disk.

I've been doing a lot of research lately.  I recently got certified to teach the Y Diabetes Prevention Program.  Hubs and I did so great on that before the drama of opening a Y, taking on new roles in our careers and losing my Dad.  We both took some major steps backwards on our health journey's.

We needed to get some weight off his back and the bad habits we had fallen back into had caused my knee to start giving me fits.  Almost a solid month of it swollen and painful was enough to make me start cracking books and sorting through what was needed.  Because we all know I am going to fight like a wild cat to avoid that knee surgery - and I am absolutely not a fan of getting shots in my knee.  There had to be some holistic path to take... for both of us.

Ya know, I always assumed that the old adage of you are what you eat was a marketing ploy designed to sell diet books and the like.  Each time I read something new I felt like I was peeling off the layers of an onion.  And each time we've tried something new that I have learned we feel better, healthier. 

I haven't watched all of the video's against eating meat.  I am sure they are gruesome and heart-wrenching.  That isn't the reason for the journey.  But we are working on transitioning to a vegetarian lifestyle, that will ultimately end up as vegan I am guessing.  Because it is making us feel better physically.  I never thought I could walk away from cheese, I love it.  Meat, that's always been a take it or leave it proposition for me - Hubs - well, he truly is a bit of a carnivore.  But this journey is teaching us that our bodies do best without either dairy or meat.  We'll see.  If it isn't right, we will change it again.  I just want us to be the best that we personally can be.  Hubs is doing fabulous and dropped in the neighborhood of 20 pounds in June.  His back and blood pressure are definitely thanking him.  I have managed to drop about 11, but most importantly, my knee is almost normal and I didn't need a shot!  I'm sure a lot of that is the what we are eating, as well as the weight training that I started.  Almost 53 and I have decided to weight train.  Seriously?

It's all part of balancing.  It's all part of planning for the future.  Hubs and I have been trying to make more time for us.  More time for what is important.  I've been losing myself in Ancestry.  Losing Dad has made the need to find the past more important to me.  The connection to roots more vital.  Oddly it was a 3rd cousin of Hubs' that found him through me that lead us to start looking through it again.  Who knows what all we will find.

We've been making time to go visit family graves and leave flowers and tear drops, I never leave without my ring.  In fact... Dad is sure doing a lot of traveling lately.  Motorcycle rides, veggie picking with the grands when they are in town. Family dinners and far more time simply enjoy simply things like sitting on the floor loving on my boys. 

I am still here, I'm just in a place of transition.

And today, I definitely have my head in the clouds!!! I'm already somewhere over Albuquerque N.M. Maybe by tonight I will have my toes in the sand, while watching fireworks with the kids. I'm celebrating life!

trotting in the rain...

It's Tulip Trot Day! 

It's pouring rain. And yes I do intend to walk it regardless!  I had been hoping for sunshine and nice temperatures. Mother Nature, that fickle old woman, decided chilly and wet was far more preferable. Ugghhh, it's the first time that I will go to the Missouri Botanical Gardens.  I'd had such high hopes to enjoy the beauty.  I will still enjoy the beauty, just in a different way. 

I don't mind rain.  I seriously do not. The girls are joining Hubs and I, although I feel Hubs is considering opting out.  He is not a fan of rain. Who knows the girls might opt out also.  I hope not.  I am not willing to give up so easy.  It's just another step on this journey. 

I got on the scale this morning, yes I know I told The Beast I would wait two weeks, I didn't.  I wish I had. On a basic level I know that weight training is going to cause swollen muscles initially. I know that muscles have more "weight" than fat. Logic weighs heavily in all of that.  But I can tell you, that the emotional side, the heart that has pushed through this journey was NOT happy this morning. 

I need to really refocus on my cardio and watching my diet.  Hubs and I have been resorting to our old ways far too often.  Not out of laziness, but out of sheer exhaustion. I toyed with getting something quick to eat for breakfast this morning.  But with the scale burning in my memory and The Beast's words about cardio and diet ringing in my ears I stopped for a moment and reassessed.  

A healthy, low-fat, low-sugar, high protein bowl of Greek yogurt, whole grains and a few strawberries later, I feel ready to take on the world.  Or at least 5K of soggy.

I know I am making progress, yesterday for the first time in almost a decade I shopped in the non-"women's" section. Not everything was bought there.  But enough to make me proud of my hard work.  

This journey is hard.  We are so ingrained to want instant success.  To take those baby steps, to struggle.  It feels unnatural.  And truly it is the most natural thing in the world.  Now if you see my gorgeous daughter who had a baby just over 9 weeks ago and she looks like a super model, it's easy to understand my frustration. Then I remember that she has the time for those walks and all those projects she's always working on are the truest definition of functional fitness.  And I feel a bit better about where I am on my personal journey. 

So... As we were heading to the Tulip Trot we got a notification that it was being cancelled due to rain. We decided to go pick up our shirts and transfer our registration to the Garden Gallop they are having in June. My girl and I were so excited to find out we could not only transfer, but also still walk the 5K, they just weren't allowing runners due to the standing water on the paths.  Safety first you know (which actually was not a bad idea as several places were a bit slick due to the water on the stones and or wood). So we smiled sweetly and got the Hubs and Grand Daughter to walk with us. That's our version anyhow...  it had nothing to do with the fact that we had the truck keys and were not negotiating.

If felt pretty amazing to hit 10,000 steps before 8:30 am.  And even in the rain, those gardens are breath taking!  Absolutely beautiful!  How have I never been there before?  I was feeling like a total slacker about it until Hubs made the comment that he's from here and in his WHOLE 65 years, he's never been either.  He has me beat hands down. Completely.

So, not only are we the proud owners of sore thighs, achy old knees, pruned feet and probably a few blisters, we didn't let a little (okay, so we are under an areal flood warning) rain deter us.

Now a tub with some Epsom salts and catching up on my magazines await my attention.  

another day, another chance...

Good morning sunshine!

What a difference 24 hours makes. Yesterday's cold, gray, wet and dreary morning has been replaced.  It's still cold, 38 degrees is not a brilliant spring morning in my opinion.  But it's gorgeous!!  The sun is brightly shining through all of the new fresh growth on the trees.  It will edge up on the thermometer in a few hours, 70 is right around the corner

Hubs started the day out questionable for the boys and I.  When you haven't even had coffee, walked the boys or really even gotten out of bed and the bedroom door gets shut with both boys in the room... that is an ominous sign that baths are going to happen. Which means... mama is giving them their baths.  I sure wasn't ready for that today.  Neither were they.

We all survived, now we are waiting for them to dry off enough to go for a good morning walk, not a quick relief walk. Neeko is getting tired of waiting.  And truthfully they both needed it.  The pollen was kicking Neeko's butt and Gator has gotten rained on a few too many times lately.  It really was time.

In fact it's been pet care weekend.  The turtle's aquarium needed addressed yesterday.  We've gotten that down to a fairly reasonable time commitment and neither of us has to carry water anymore.  Although my fingers feel awfully wrinkly after that chore.

Never did get any landscaping done yesterday.  Noticed on Friday I had cracked the glass over what appeared to just be my flashlight on my phone.  It wasn't.  It was the wide angle lens on the camera. Cheapskate me didn't feel it was anything to worry about, I mean, I don't need to take wide angle pictures. Hubs did not agree. So off to AT&T we went.  Guess what, they don't repair broken lenses, but I do feel I was possibly manipulated, as Hubs has been really anxious to get DirectTV and get rid of Uverse.  Not really sure why that matters, still.

As I was using the wasted visit to question some sneaky stuff they did to my phone bill, Hubs saw his moment.  He even put out the cigar to come in and drive that conversation.  So any hour or so later, after a delightful conversation with a young man that reminded me so much of my son, we are switching services. Again, I am still not sure why.  As I really don't watch it, I guess I really don't care overly much.  Particularly since it is saving me almost $70 per month.  And... as he wants it, he has to deal with switching it, not me.

After hours searching for new workout shoes I was pretty excited to get two pair that I adore! Well... I did adore.  Until I went to put the ones I liked the most on this morning and realized that in the stores dim lighting I couldn't tell that they are not the same shoes.  I have two opposing colors, and as I didn't see another pair in my size I am guessing that someone else has the same issue.  They open at 9:30 this morning.  Guess I will find out then.  Have to admit I am a bit sad over this turn of events. I absolutely love this particular style of Asics and I bought the only two pair I found in my size.  Guess I am not the only one that loves them, wish me luck that there is another mismatched set of shoes hidden on the shelf... who knows they might actually sell an additional pair!

Maybe, just maybe after getting that all taken care of I will tackle a bit of the landscaping before we take off on the Harley for a bit.  It's going in the shop today.  Hubs is like a little kid before Christmas.  Again, I am simply not understanding!  I get the need for the 5,000 mile tune up. I am even excited about the install of the luggage rack (daughter bought him luggage for Christmas). I absolutely cannot wrap my head around the need to replace perfectly good, barely used (I mean it's only got 5,000 miles on it) mufflers.  He keeps going on and on about it not sounding like a Harley.  It's a Harley!!  Is he trying to tell me it sounds like a Honda? Of course it sounds like a Harley.... ya know what, if it makes him happy and keeps him smiling, then... new muffler it is.  Just kind of wished he'd voiced this concern when we bought it brand new a year ago today.

I am feeling accomplished this morning.  Yesterday I scheduled (on my calendar even) 3 training sessions for the coming week. Yes, I may very well regret it by Saturday or Sunday.  But I am recommitting! I really do have a goal in sight.  Nope, not sharing that one yet!

I am even getting ready to roast a turkey and make some fresh pasta for dinner and meal prepping for the week.  I might scare myself if I manage to get organized.  It could be frightening!

Well... it's time to finish off this coffee, take my boys out for their morning constitutional, and get busy tackling this day!  There is much to be accomplished and enjoyed before this day ends!

the journey continues...

It's been a minute...

This crazy life I am thriving in is moving at warp speed.  And there are days I barely catch a breath.

Today, I've opted to slow down for a minute.  That truly is about all the time I have right now.  I'm enjoying the heat of my coffee on this particularly cool and wet morning.  It's even too cold to enjoy breakfast out on the deck under our HUGE umbrella, like we were able to do Monday.  Today's breakfast is being munched on at the kitchen island, enjoying the view and tastes of spring through the windows.

The rain appears to have stopped for a bit, so I might go and get my walk in, not sure if I am brave enough to risk it. I might use the opportunity of the wet earth to celebrate Earth Day in my own way and work on finally finishing the landscaping around my house.

Hubs and I are on a mission to eradicate all of the English Ivy that has been allowed to grow unchecked for over 20 years.  It has been quite a chore. After I finish fighting with it, I will attack the area surrounding the back patio. Evidently at some point it had black berries planted and sadly over years of neglect all it ends up being is a very large patch of brush with a few wild looking berries to feed the birds.

Who knows... today will depend on Mother Nature.

First off is a trip to the store.  I am on two missions.  The first, I need new workout shoes.  Even rotating my 4 pairs I have pretty much destroyed them all.  They have a bit of life left in them.  But simply a bit. And we have two 5K walks/runs coming up.  The Tulip Trot is next week.  I am really excited about it!

Yes I live in St. Louis. We have one of the best Botanical Garden's in the country.  I drive past it every day. I have NEVER been there.  Next Sunday, starting at 6:30 am, my shoes will be laced, Hubs, Daughter and the grand daughters will participate in the Tulip Trot.  Afterwards we have a full day pass to the gardens. Definitely getting our steps that day!

Second, I want some Adidas sweats... I am praying that I have finally worked hard enough to be able to get a pair.  I know that seems like a silly goal.  But... it's my goal! They have always been my favorites.  It's been far too long since I could wear them.  I want them.

I haven't given up on my health journey - been a bit distracted with other things momentarily - but recently I decided it was time to focus again.  I was finding myself getting a bit too complacent.  When I would get busy at work (because lately that is simply reality) the first thing that got erased from my schedule was my workout.  My focus shifted in that area and I needed to bring it back.

Well, it's back!  I hired an amazing woman to be the Health and Wellness Director at our new location.  She has an amazing background in fitness, has followed the same journey that far too many health seekers follow personally and her personality is DYNAMIC!  Her "nickname" (not from me, although I agree) is The Beast!

So... long story short, she was wanting to develop a staff fitness challenge and needed guinea pigs, at least that was her story.  I am thinking it was far more insidious than that, but I don't have any proof yet. Naively I agreed to be one of the guinea pigs as did one of the B's and the Hubs.

Today, I am feeling it.

How we feel... Beast!

But... I am also feeling powerful, in control and energized.  As soon as I can move without pain, I will tackle the last workout she sent me via text message. I want to excel, I want to rock it! More so, I want to see more of the changes that I am seeing.

I am only semi-joking when I say she is torturing me.  Note I said semi.  But I am finding that I want to watch my diet closely, why backslide with what I am eating.  I am finding I want to know what the next challenge will be, because I want to conquer it.  Nope, I don't want to become the person that weight trains non-stop and focuses on fitness 24/7.  I want to become the person that incorporates it seamlessly into my life, that isn't willing to cut it out of my schedule to accommodate other things.  Because I like me feeling like this.

Today, I am grateful for the push that The Beast provided.  Suffering a bit, yes, but grateful.

It's giving me the energy that I will need to tackle the next few months.  I'm closing a Y, I'm opening a new one.  My plate is full.  And I am blessed!

I am surrounded by positive, energetic, vibrant people.  At work, at home, in outside activities.  I am blessed!

I've missed writing, dumping my thoughts and clearing my head.  At least for a bit it will remain sporadic.  So much to accomplish. Professionally, personally, just all around in general.

My life is evolving.  I have had to leave people behind, they didn't fit where I was going.  I have had to leave habits and thought processes in the dust also.  They were holding me back.

This evolution is a blessing.  Those I love are still there beside me, some including Hubs are on either this full or partial parts of the journey with me.

I'm very excited about these next chapters... are you finding yourself excited by yours?

morning thoughts...

I'm stealing a couple of minutes before I head to work.  Hubs had to leave super early this morning, his one work day this week and he had to drive for 90 minutes to get there. So it's still in the house.  My popcorn has finished popping (need it to cool off so I can bag it) and the turtle fountain is running. Other than that it is just still.  I can actually hear my nails on the keyboard (that rarely happens).

I'm struggling today, I've been off for a week, it's been relaxing, peaceful and therapeutic, today I go to work for one LONG day before being off for 4.  Seems a fair trade off, but my jammies were definitely trying to lure me in.  I've been sleeping until the sun comes up, so that alarm at 4:30 am was particularly brutal today.  Gator and I were seriously more interested in cuddling back up and ignoring it.  How do you tell a sleepy boy no? Especially one so sweet?

As Hubs didn't have time to walk today, I went without him and gave those new earbuds a real trial run. Summation... WOW! The first half mile I walked listening to music, Hubs and I chatted for the remaining 1.5 miles.  It was incredible!  Even with the hill by my girl's house I was able to average an 18 minute mile. And that hill is mean, my Fit-bit registers it as 18 flights of stairs if that is any indication.

It's felt good to slide back into the normal routine, I hit my 5 days of working out for the first time in weeks today!  Wow, did that feel great!  I started to pack a workout bag for today - after all I will be in a Y for over 12 hours, but thought the better of it.  I will be the only director on site, I definitely do not want to be distracted. I will be putting together a work out bag starting next Tuesday though.  It's time I figured out how to use those weights.

Tomorrow as I am wrapping up the old year and starting to bring closure to everything, I am going to sit down and start on a weekly menu.  There are a few things I have been stubborn about, or maybe lazy is the word over the past few months.  I know it's easier to plan ahead, but I am not good at planning ahead for myself.  I am thinking if I manage to create a menu plan for an entire month it will help with buying groceries, cooking healthy meals, filling the crock-pot with healthy meals, and eliminate that last minute "it's been a LONG day and I am too tired to cook".  We'll see.

I'm not about resolutions, seems I've never stuck to any in 51 years.  But I am all about my commitment to myself and the Hubs.  Work/Life balance is the goal for 2017.  Stepping further into my health goals, my fitness goals, my creative goals, my family and career goals too... something tells me it is going to be one crazy busy year!  I'm so excited about it!

Well, the sun is definitely over the horizon now, and I need to bag that popcorn up, it's time to head to work. I have a full to do list, so I am fairly certain the day will fly by.

Anyone else planning true new year resolutions?

more small steps...

Our bright sunny day has definitely faded into a funky, gray, cloudy and now rainy day.  The Hubs is upstairs catching a short nap, the prefect thing to do on your last vacation day before going back to work for one day.

So much has been going on, so many changes since the last time I wrote.  I feel like I neglect my blog more than anything else in my life and often toy with just closing it.  And then I remember that it keeps me sane in those quiet hours that I have to myself. I often find myself snapping pictures just to share, and thinking about things I want to write.

I write this for me.  Over the course of the past few years it has had times when it is vitally important to who I am and where I want my dreams to take me. It has helped me navigate heartbreak, stress, fears and celebrate so many magical and important times.

Because of this and so many more reasons, I will continue to write in those quiet moments.  When silence allows.  For a couple of months now, I have been navigating some interesting waters and just before the holidays I found out that I was selected to lead my Y into it's next phase of existence. Right now I am still a bit in the disbelieving stage, I'm excited and thrilled.  It's like when you receive your engagement ring, you keep staring at it, expecting it to disappear - to have been a beautiful dream.  Or the first time you hold your baby in your arms.  The enormity of it all is overwhelming.

Joy, excitement, anxiety... all powerful emotions. Each of those times I asked myself if I was up for what lay ahead.  Could I be someone worthy of marrying my best friend?  Was I good enough to be a good mom, to raise that sweet life and protect it?  Am I strong enough, skilled enough, wise enough to close a 91 year old Y and open successfully it's new replacement?

Well, I have a great marriage that is a celebration of love, life, and friendship.  It's the perfect mixture, so yes I was worthy.  My children are both incredible human beings.  I could not be more proud of them if I tried. They both fill my life with love and happiness in their own ways.  So yes, I was good enough.

Those are, up to this point, my greatest achievements that I feared I would not be good enough for.  So yes, I do believe I am the right person, at the right place and in the right moment in time for this task.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, who in their right mind wouldn't?  But I am blessed to be part of the Y.  It's filled with people that want to lift you up, help you.  I've got this.

As I look back on 2016, it's been quite a year.  It's seen me hit some of my lowest points ever.  I've almost lost both of my pups. Hubs went from healing for his hip to injuring his back. I've traveled from despair in my work life to having a career that I love.  My own health was at the lowest it had been in years to the best it's been in so long that I cannot remember.

2016 has been a year for the record books in more ways than one.

Each day it feels like another "star" has left us.  I am not truly into the "fame" thing, so while I feel sadness that a famous person has passed, it is just another passing to me.

The tears and rifts in our country are at an all time high.  This is sad.  We are all the same, we all require love, kindness and compassion to be the best that we can be.  I am prayerful that we will find a way as a country to remember we are all Americans and it's okay to disagree as long as we remember that we are part of a large and growing family.

Changes politically have rocked this country.  Right, wrong or indifferent personally I feel that many folks just sent a message they wanted to be heard.  I guess we will see how that ends up...

These are all things that while I feel them and live with the consequences of them I do not have control over them.

Midway through 2016 I started focusing on what I could change, where I could make a difference in my world.

I started on me.

You never have to sit idle, you do not have to be a passive "victim" in your own life.

My daughter bought my Christmas Eve Jammies, it's a family tradition, like so many other's have. As I opened it she said "they won't fit you, I bought them when you were fat".  I know it doesn't sound like it, but that was one of the most beautiful sentences that I have ever heard.

My heart soared.  My spirit lifted.  I felt affirmed.  Never had anyone said "you are fat".  I was always accepted and loved. No one ever said, you are slowly shortening your life, you have allowed yourself to become a victim, you don't have a good quality of life or you are out of control.  Any of the things that were the truth.

I had to be forced to see that.  Bullied by my best friend.  The six months that I have invested in me, have led to so many blessings.  When I realized that I was important, I also realized that old saying "you can't pour from an empty cup" was not only true but a beacon to follow.

While my girl was sweet saying "when you were fat", the truth is I am still fat.  I have a long way to go on this journey.  But fat didn't happen over night and healthy won't either.  I was so excited to receive the thoughtful gifts I got for Christmas.  As I sit here looking at them on the counter I realize that they are gifts of pure love.

I adore popcorn, but couldn't bring myself to have to record the fat grams in traditional popcorn and I also didn't want to spend the money for an air popper.  Instead I looked longingly at my popcorn kernels and felt deprived.  Hubs bought me a fabulous on demand air-popper!  It even measures enough seeds for one serving.  Heck I feel I need one for my office, but I WILL NOT spend that kind of money for a second one.

Sitting close to it is my Inspiralizer, I have a spiralizer with multiple blades for my KitchenAide and I love it, but by it's very nature there are veggies and fruits that I would love to spiralize and was unable to.  My girl evidently heard me talking to my cookbook (yes I do odd things like that) and silently ordered, then prayed that Hubs hadn't also heard me (they usually end up getting me the same thing) my Inspiralizer.  I played with it the first day while cooking a large dinner, I was so excited! Again, pure love.

With Hubs being injured he couldn't walk, and I didn't want to on my own.  It was too quiet, too much like a punishment.  He'd let me use several different sets of his earbuds, but I hated the way the cord dangled, wrapped around me and the sounds it made rubbing against my coat.  I also cannot stand to use earbuds where they cancel out all sound.  It freaks me out. Under the tree, wrapped with love, was a set of brilliant aqua blue sport Bluetooth Bose earbuds.  No cords.. don't shut out sound... I was prepared to hate them.  I can't... they are perfect and I LOVE them!  Now when I have to walk alone, I can hear music, talk to loved ones, listen to a book or whatever else my heart desires.  Without saying it, again there was encouragement.

My sweet boy sent me the coolest cookbook.  No it isn't low fat or even all healthy.  But it feeds my inner foodie, it keeps the joy in cooking and nourishing my family.  I cannot wait to visit with him and try as many recipes as his heart desires - I'll just get an extra walk in.

I didn't make any great strides in reaching my goals over the holiday season.  In fact unless I completely quit eating and work out non-stop between now and Saturday, I am fairly positive I will not hit my goal in December.

Guess what... It doesn't matter.  I will reach that goal.  It just isn't going to be this week, but it will happen soon.  I held my own during the holidays.  My focus wasn't about losing, it was to maintain, and to enjoy the balance in my new lifestyle.  I've done it!  I found and lost the same 3 pounds for a solid month.  And I am okay with it.

In filling my own cup I have more to give others.  It's amazing how that happens.

Last night Hubs, the girls and I had a night out on the town.  It involved a walk through an area of the city I have never explored - so much fun, will have to go again.  Next time we will be able to get into Fitz's without waiting an hour.  Then Hubs and our girl hung out sipping hot cocoa while the grand daughter and I went ice skating.

I expected to be lame today - I haven't hit the ice in years! I wanted to be greedy and stay for hours.  I didn't. But oh the joy! In January I couldn't walk.  Last night I was gliding along as if the years hadn't happened.  Hubs was going to take me today, he would sit by the fire pit with his cigar and smooth jazz, while I went skating.  Maybe the rain was natures way of saying don't push it. Maybe. But I see it happening again soon.

I wonder who else is wrapping up 2016 feeling reflective?  Are you taking the time to celebrate your accomplishments and focus on the great things you have done?

As I move forward with my blog, I am going to be spending more time doing just that.  Focusing on good, celebrating and building up.  I hope you will join me.  I hope we can encourage and support each other on our journey's... Who's game?

december day dreams...

It seems the unseasonably warm autumn is finally succumbing to Mother Nature's wraith.  The past two mornings have seen frosted grass and windows, barren trees shimmer in the early morning light with a soft icy glaze.  Yep, Mother Nature is gearing up for winter.

When I took the boys out this morning so Hubs could sleep in, it looked like it was going to be a bright and beautiful day. Bright and clear.  Now just a few hours later, it honestly looks like it wants to snow.  Although with a high of 47 projected, that is probably not going to happen.  I feel I am a bit bummed out about that.  I would love to go to one of the ice skating rinks and glide (I won't even say gracefully) across the ice with snow swirling around me. 

One of my fondest memories of Upstate New York was the fact that the play area sat lower than the houses so it filled with melting snow and rain each winter and froze solid.  I vaguely remember skating there in the winter.  I have snippets of memories from there mostly involving winter. Snow palaces and skating.  My own Norman Rockwell painting in my mind. 

I am not a great ice skater, I do not have the strongest ankles and grace is definitely not my middle name. But I love it!  Gliding along, maybe a bit wobbly, waiting to have a cup of hot cocoa or coffee with a splash of Kahlua or Bailey's. Warming up by the fire pits.  Good times.  Sadly, the Hubs isn't a skater, the daughter is 7 months pregnant and my son lives far away.  And the grand daughter is probably too busy.  And we all know that even though I am definitely an introvert, I hate doing things by myself. Introvert yes, loner no.

So instead I guess the day will be spent running errands - and boy do we have a lot.  Listening to carols and working around the house.  I do have to finish both of the quilts that have their tops finished.  We need to go to the Bethesda Thrift Store, I need fire starters and they sell the best ones! 

At some point, I will get my walk in.  I was hoping for a less traditional exercise today, so I didn't brave the crispy cold morning today.   Hubs is still not able to long walks and I truly do not enjoy my solo walks. It seems more like punishment than the joy it truly is. But I am so close to my first personal goal, that I feel I need to push the envelope a bit this weekend and see if I can finally cross it this weekend, 2.4 pounds to go. 

It's been quite a journey.  One that has really changed who I am internally and externally.  And it's one that I am far from crossing the finish line, but I can see the first goal glimmering right in front of me.  I can almost touch it.  I will set the next one on the day that I surpass that goal.  I already know what it will be, but it must live in my mind for now. 

For the first time ever I am also starting to set some actual fitness goals - scary right?  I feel strongly that the new year will find me participating in personal training for the first time in my life. I find that I do best with guidance and support. Ironic for someone that does not like to join groups! I might even put a gym bag together!  I know... WHAT?!?  She might have finally lost her mind.  

And I am strongly considering becoming a YDPP facilitator. Maybe because I am walking the walk, and taking this journey and I know the difference it's made for me, I might be able to help others. I have to decide first how well I can handle excuses.  I don't like it at all when people have excuses for not trying.  My tolerance is a bit low.  So I have to succeed in over coming that. I think I have now had 3 or 4 people sign up for YDPP, because I know how incredible it is. I will encourage and support each of them at all times, and I wish the program was for kids too.  Well, we will see, I don't have to make that decision for another few months.  And it might be a decision that is made for me as I could be incredibly busy in that time frame. 

Who knows... Well, there are chores to do, errands to run, and maybe just maybe Mother Nature will throw me a random snowflake or two.  Just a teaser...  Enjoy your day...