The view is breathtaking and terrifying at the same time.
I definitely try to not be a white knuckle flyer. Note I said try. The fact that I am able to lose myself in my blog is probably going to make this a much easier trip. In just short of three hours I will be landing at LAX. Off for a summer adventure with the kids in LA. It's been over two years and I have missed them so much. I know they were just home for Christmas. But I haven't had the chance to be out there and enjoy being a part of his world.
I know I've been a bit silent lately. I've been working on getting my balance back. It's been a tough journey. And each time I feel like I am feeling centered, I get reminded that I am not. The little things that shouldn't unbalance me, do. The major things that should tend to just make me shut down. This journey is not at all what my mind had scripted for me.
Yesterday wasn't scheduled to be a vacation day for me. Hubs was off, we were trying to get our remaining vacation time in sync so we could spend it together. We were hoping to... then on Friday we got the call that one of Hub's oldest friends, one of the dearest women I have ever been blessed to know passed away. It seems like all we have done this year is say goodbyes. Lots of goodbyes. Family and friends. It's been a brutal year!
So we took off yesterday morning for Clarksville, Tennessee. Four and a half hours each direction. Broken up only by a few sad hours. Laughing with friends at silly memories and realizing that a very bright light had left us. I keep telling Hubs that if I pass before him, I definitely DO NOT want any of that. I get the memorial service is for the living, but I have yet to understand the healing part of it. If anyone wants to remember me at that point, go to dinner, have some drinks and laugh and celebrate my life and legacy. But don't gather everyone around pictures, an urn or heaven forbid my body and cry. I will find a way to haunt everyone.
I fear it is just that this year has been so filled with loss. I'm feeling hard and calloused because of it.
I will miss not being with Hubs this holiday. Finding fireworks - or not - because honestly we usually skip them. Spending time with him and cooking him a good and healthy meal is important to me. But more than that right now, I need to see my baby. I haven't seen him since this year of loss has started. In fact, he's the only one I haven't held in my arms and reassured myself that he is okay. Heck, I even saw his father on the day my Daddy went to heaven. I need to reconnect.
I am not so sure we have big plans. In fact we will probably just enjoy being together. I can't wait to cook for him. I guess that is how I show love, by taking care of my family. It makes me happy. It fills my bucket.
Speaking of filling buckets and getting back on an even keel, Hubs and I have been walking together again! He's still in a lot of pain and not doing as much as I am. We thought that his back would only need 2 shots, but it is appearing it will take a third. I know they are so painful for him, but much better than the pain of the bulging disk.
I've been doing a lot of research lately. I recently got certified to teach the Y Diabetes Prevention Program. Hubs and I did so great on that before the drama of opening a Y, taking on new roles in our careers and losing my Dad. We both took some major steps backwards on our health journey's.
We needed to get some weight off his back and the bad habits we had fallen back into had caused my knee to start giving me fits. Almost a solid month of it swollen and painful was enough to make me start cracking books and sorting through what was needed. Because we all know I am going to fight like a wild cat to avoid that knee surgery - and I am absolutely not a fan of getting shots in my knee. There had to be some holistic path to take... for both of us.
Ya know, I always assumed that the old adage of you are what you eat was a marketing ploy designed to sell diet books and the like. Each time I read something new I felt like I was peeling off the layers of an onion. And each time we've tried something new that I have learned we feel better, healthier.
I haven't watched all of the video's against eating meat. I am sure they are gruesome and heart-wrenching. That isn't the reason for the journey. But we are working on transitioning to a vegetarian lifestyle, that will ultimately end up as vegan I am guessing. Because it is making us feel better physically. I never thought I could walk away from cheese, I love it. Meat, that's always been a take it or leave it proposition for me - Hubs - well, he truly is a bit of a carnivore. But this journey is teaching us that our bodies do best without either dairy or meat. We'll see. If it isn't right, we will change it again. I just want us to be the best that we personally can be. Hubs is doing fabulous and dropped in the neighborhood of 20 pounds in June. His back and blood pressure are definitely thanking him. I have managed to drop about 11, but most importantly, my knee is almost normal and I didn't need a shot! I'm sure a lot of that is the what we are eating, as well as the weight training that I started. Almost 53 and I have decided to weight train. Seriously?
It's all part of balancing. It's all part of planning for the future. Hubs and I have been trying to make more time for us. More time for what is important. I've been losing myself in Ancestry. Losing Dad has made the need to find the past more important to me. The connection to roots more vital. Oddly it was a 3rd cousin of Hubs' that found him through me that lead us to start looking through it again. Who knows what all we will find.
We've been making time to go visit family graves and leave flowers and tear drops, I never leave without my ring. In fact... Dad is sure doing a lot of traveling lately. Motorcycle rides, veggie picking with the grands when they are in town. Family dinners and far more time simply enjoy simply things like sitting on the floor loving on my boys.
I am still here, I'm just in a place of transition.
And today, I definitely have my head in the clouds!!! I'm already somewhere over Albuquerque N.M. Maybe by tonight I will have my toes in the sand, while watching fireworks with the kids. I'm celebrating life!
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