Initially we did fantastic, then things like Hubs hurting his back, me taking on a huge task at my Y (I mean if you consider closing a 93 year old Y and opening a new one a huge task. I might just be being a wimp). But for 6 months we were hitting all of our bench marks, we lost that first initial 7% in no time at all. Between the two of us we'd lost in excess of 70 pounds, both of us were in a much better place physically.
Then life happened. In the hustle and bustle of living we lost the energy and focus. We'd gone back to survival mode and the standard American diet (SAD - how ironic). It was easier in our state of exhaustion to ignore all those hard earned lessons, settle down with a pizza and beer and relax after a hard day of work.
Fast forward...
That's how we've been living life. Deep down knowing what needs to happen, ignoring it. I had wanted so badly to share my new found knowledge, becoming a lifestyle coach and helping other's just like me over come bad habits was something burning deep in my soul. Unfortunately, the training was all happening at the time that work was particularly overwhelming. I was a brand new exec with a LOT to learn just in my new role, top that off with opening a new Y... yep you guessed it pure chaos, unrelenting stress and no time for anything! In the midst of all of it that burning fire, became an ember always there, but kind of shuffled down deep.
It was still a goal, but it had to wait. There was time.
Then January came... and Dad started the final few months of his life. I'm not going to dig back through it, it's too painful and I am not strong enough to walk through each moment again. The jagged edges of the memories are still too sharp.
My Dad was a diabetic. It isn't directly what killed him. His heart tearing is what did that. But the diabetes made it that much harder to treat him, heal him, save him. And we all know they weren't able to save him. I wish I could say that physically the last almost decade of my Dad's life was easy and enjoyable. It wasn't. He died way too early. No the smoking didn't help, and the stroke was definitely not conducive to a healthy life. But that damn diabetes is truly what stole him from us.
Every day he had to stick himself multiple times. Things he enjoyed were stolen from him. He suffered from many of the ailments that diabetes brings.
He suffered.
He had type 2 Diabetes. Who knows if he was predisposed to getting it or if a lifetime of choices led him there. I'm not a doctor, nor was I intimately aware of his medical state.
As I started to come out of my shock of losing him, if that is something you can truly come out of. Or maybe it was just coming to terms with it. I realized that I was pushing myself back into that same dark hole I'd struggled to crawl out of almost two years earlier.
In the hurt and disbelief I quit caring if dinner involved high fat, highly processed food and a bottle of wine. Sugar became my friend again. I simply didn't have the energy or the desire to care. I was heading down a path of destruction.
Hubs had stopped walking before I did and had sadly gained back enough of what he'd lost that he is once again fighting a bulging/herniated disk. Pain shooting down his legs. Me? My knee was failing again, my clothes were getting snug, my energy level was almost non-existent and I was getting dangerously depressed.
As I was sliding down this hill, praying for guidance and hope, things kept popping up to shore me up. Some I saw and ignored, some I saved and ignored. I wasn't ready to face any of it. It was easier to ignore it. To plaster a smile on my face and pretend.
Shortly after Daddy's service and the arrival of my ring, two things that dearly changed my life, I felt the fog start to lift.
I started wanting to join humanity again.
I got an email asking if I had any staff that would be interested in coaching the YMCA Diabetes Prevention Program... duh... me! I reached out again to ask if I could possibly get certified. It's not a a position that execs usually strive for.... YES! The sweetest word I could imagine was the reply.
I was a nervous wreck. Yes I run a Y, of course I don't take or make time to take care of myself, and I am not a health and wellness professional - those are the people I hire. I am the business manager. Plain and simple. And I had gained almost 25 pounds since the beginning of the year. Seriously? What on earth was I thinking??
I completed all my pre-reqs, took the course, felt like the odd duck in the room. I'm not young, fit, nor am I a nutrition specialist. The youngsters in the room were damn intimidating! In fact when it came time to present - I seriously thought I was going to either pass out or throw up. And of course I drew the last straw - literally. I was the final presenter. Figured. Nothing like having the entire day to worry about failing!!
Over lunch I remember giving myself a serious talking to. I remember spending a bit of time focusing. Realizing that what I lacked in book smarts and poise I more than made up for in true life experiences. And most importantly - it mattered deeply to me. On a very personal level.
Even now as I look at my ring that contains my Dad's ashes - the one that is on my finger when I am awake, I know that I made the perfect choice. The other day I was looking through my emails, catching up from being on vacation. Buried in the update folder was one from Y-USA. I am officially certified as a YDPP lifestyle coach. I did it!
I've been processing it for a few days. Holding it in my heart like a treasure. Because the first thing that happened was that it made me cry. The second thing that happened is that it scared me all over again. I am sure the first class will terrify me! I hate being unsure of myself. But deep inside I know that I can help someone else - myself included - not suffer the fate my Dad did.
Hubs and I have started our own health journey over again. Almost 2 years to the day. He's doing better than I am - darn men! But we've both already made huge strides. He also watched diabetes take his father from him. Pain is a strong motivator for change. Mental and physical.
I'm able to do more working out than he is. That back is still wearing him down. I walk again. Not as much as I'd love to, I definitely took advantage of the beautiful weather and paths in California and I am trying to be intentional about it again now that I am home. The heat and humidity in this state have me LONGING for the temperate climate of California. And I am taking advantage of being the leader at the most modern Y in the city and finally making time to participate. We are transitioning to a very whole food plant based diet. It's helping us both.
I don't want to lose any more to diabetes. I want to stop that devil.
I know that pride is one of the seven deadly sins. But I am proud of myself for overcoming my own fears, for taking the chance. I wasn't alone. My Dad was with me. Each time I felt like I would rather just go back to my branch and do my own job, I could almost hear him, "you done good baby". I could hear the last time that he'd told me how proud he was of me and all I had accomplished. Not even a year ago...
My journey is changing daily. My focus is still scattered. I feel torn in a million directions. In fact I feel shattered. And like some silly kaleidoscope I think my pieces are coming back together in a completely different, but still uniquely beautiful design.
Hugging my son last week, laughing with my daughter and grands, having my amazing husband to share my life with... accomplishing one of my goals and stepping more frequently out of my comfort zone. These things are solidifying my journey...
Now to get back to working on developing the courage for the next steps...
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