enough...

I've been sitting here trying to decide if I am going to write or not.  I'm in a very dark and fed up mood right now.  And I am sure that some of what I am going to write is going to tick off some folks.  In fact I'm positive it will.  So... do I write it?  Or do I continue to let it boil inside me and ruin my day?  

I write for myself, I am going to continue in that vein.  If I hurt your feelings or sensibilities, I'm sorry.  I am beyond fed up.  

Hubs has had a headache for about a week.  It's been one of those that acetaminophen won't touch.  He's tried allergy meds feeling like that might be the problem, I mean every allergen known is running wild right now.  That didn't help either. He has a history of sinus infections, so it wasn't a huge stretch after eliminating the rest of it, to feel that was probably the problem.  

At about the seven day mark, I suggested it might be time to get a doctors appointment.  After spending the majority of the day yesterday trying to schedule one, he was finally informed that the only appointment he could have was virtual.  I mean he might have the vid after all.  Excuse me? 

My temper is off the charts right now.  He has absolutely no symptoms of the vid, he even took one of those "tests", but can't be seen in person.  Nope, not allowed, but hey pay your $25 co-pay and we will schedule you for a video meeting with the nurse practitioner. 

So... let's see if I get this straight, you can't examine him physically.  You can't check his blood pressure, you are taking his word for his weight (when you prescribe him medications - isn't accuracy kind of important there?) and you are going to provide this service? Wait, did I actually use the word service?

No, I'm sorry this isn't service, nor is this practicing medicine.  This is just a further example of our sick care that we are stupid enough to call healthcare. Does the grocery store clerk get to say call it in? How about the gas station attendant?  The trash-man?  The person working at your local fitness center or restaurant?  Just checking!

He received a call about 15 minutes before his "appointment" to get information. 

It went like this:

Nurse: You have an appointment this morning. Can you tell me why we are seeing you?

Hubs: Yes I have an appointment, about 9 days ago....

Nurse: (Interrupting)... did you take a covid test... 

Hubs: Yes

Nurse: When

Hubs: couple days ago

Nurse: are you vaccinated?

It continued on in this manner for a bit... The "nurse" never did listen to why he was being seen, couldn't have cared less evidently.  Then informed him to log on and go wait in the "virtual waiting room".  

You simply cannot make this up!!!  Stop it people, simply stop it! 

Twenty five minutes later, it appears you are correct and you do have a sinus infection.  I will send in a script for steroids and go buy all of these medications over the counter.  Seems you have a history of this. 

I'm sorry.  We paid for you to write a script based on his medical history?  Are you kidding me? 

I'm beyond fed up with what we are accepting as health care.  I'm over the pill pushing and the lack of true care.  I long for the days of doctors that would actually speak with you, examine you and then prescribe a medication based on knowledge, only if it was truly needed.  Not someone that types your symptoms into a computer and waits for it to tell them what you need, that is nothing but a glorified search engine.  And I have literally watched my doctor do that and when questioning about alternatives listened to "well, I don't have any first hand knowledge but this is what is recommended, and most people do well with it."

I am disgusted by how we are being treated.  How about looking at things a bit more holistic... oh wait... the drug lords won't get their money if they do that.  How about addressing all of the crap in our food, our environment, etc... how about that?

I saw a meme yesterday that saddened me to my very core.  It was a bunch of docs in lab coats, with "sponsors" on it.  Asking should they have to wear their sponsors like race car drivers do.  Absolutely!

Never in my life have I seen such a huge proliferation of medical facilities and so much of our society filled with sick and unhealthy people, doesn't it concern you? Why? Why is it that the people that I know that avoid medical facilities are the healthiest?  Think about it for a dang minute... PLEASE!  

I am so blessed to have been seen by a doctor that genuinely practiced health care when I needed my knee replaced.  If I had been seen by more doctors prior to that were all about genuine health care, I may never have reached the point of needing it replaced. But they weren't interested in my over all health, they were interested in putting chemicals of all sorts into my body.  Never addressing my need to become healthy. 

No one stopped to say, let's talk about diet, let's chat about exercise, let's talk about how to change these things and WHY.  Nope, it was take this pill, this shot, this injection... oh add this for inflammation, add this for pain, add that for... Not read this label and look for this, read that label and understand that it will harm you, walk 30 minutes a day, do these stretches to strengthen these muscles which will support... you get the picture. Not one of them prior took a moment to see the damage the counter acting medications were doing to my body, just prescribe, prescribe, prescribe....

Lately I've noticed a ton of advertisements, on literally every form of media I look at for medications, weight loss - drugs, etc.  It's a barrage. Since meeting my knee doctor, I have been in a very different mindset.  I have learned so many things that fly straight in the face of the approved narrative around healthcare. 

Today, was an even bigger tipping point for me. Today, it felt like my eyes were not simply opened, they were ripped open!  That nurse practitioner was nothing but a pill pusher.  She had zero first hand knowledge of anything, for pities sake she couldn't even take his temperature or blood pressure.  She accepted his self diagnosis and wrote a script. 

Because she is afraid of getting the vid?  I thought vaccines and masks worked?  I can't.  I simply can't. Our medical system is becoming an absolute joke.  And if you are a in that field, I'm sorry if you are offended and I am equally sure that at no point do you intend to do harm.  It isn't the people, they are all there for the purest of reasons - to care for people.  To ease illness and help. There are some areas of our medical system that are priceless and full of hope.  

It is the system that is broken. Not the people, not the compassion, the system.  It's how hospitals and "care" facilities are being managed, it's those administrators.  The ones that are hand in hand with the insurance companies.  It isn't those with compassion and love for their fellow man. 

I can't any more, I just can't. 

Please understand that I am not saying do away with doctors, hospitals or anything of the sort.  My own mother has had her life saved by hospitals, my great nephew is alive because of amazing doctors and surgeons, my Hubs and I both have benefited from amazing surgeons that took the oath of do no harm seriously.  

That isn't what I am saying at all.  What I am saying is that we need to look at "health" care differently.  We need to learn more, we need to not be pharmaceutical guinea pigs and piggy banks. 

If you are going to practice medicine, then dang well get your hands dirty, educate yourself beyond the standard texts, question methods and procedures and take care of people.  

Okay... I'm going to shut up, if I upset you... sorry... we are each entitled to think and feel for ourselves.  This is how I am thinking and feeling right now.  And this is not okay. 

love and peace...

deeper thoughts...

Is it crazy that I stood out in the treetop garden this morning thankful for the rain?  I'm tired today, more than that I am crazy sore.  I was brutally reminded yesterday that I am not in my 30's any longer. I spent my morning helping the Hubs.  He has a huge, labor intensive project and just like the rest of the world, not enough staff to accomplish the task.  I did it for him.  I will do it again.  Four straight hours of pressure washing is tough on a body that is closer to 60 than it is to 30 (Yikes... I just realized how very true that statement is... 3 years and a few months... how in the world did that happen?).

I promised to help finish it and I 100% will.  Seems there are not a lot of folks with the old work ethic around these days.  Feels like folks are more concerned with themselves and their successes and not so much about team work.  Besides it felt good to do something to help.  As a general rule, I don't volunteer my time anymore to certain activities, it doesn't have the same warm fuzzy that it used to.  For my Hubs... now that is an entirely different story.  If you know me well, you know that I am fierce about protecting my family. 

Since the rain is promising me a day of inside work, that is where my focus will be.  I need to run up to the grocery store here shortly, I ran out of sugar free pectin and want to get my sugar free blackberry jellies made today.  I also want to get the sugar free peach made also.  I only managed to finish up my Dijon mustard yesterday, after a morning drenched to the bone pressure washing, I was too exhausted to do much else.

I think I will have to make cowboy candy with all 
these red jalapeno's.  Should be pretty.

I never re-read my blogs after I have written them.  Maybe I should, I don't know.  I know I was on a bit of a roll the other day.  In fact, Hubs may have labeled me a "rantress" "if that is even a word".  Although he didn't disagree. While I was working yesterday I had the opportunity to catch up on a few of the vlogs that I am behind on, I don't think that I am alone in my concerns. 

Sri Lanka is just the canary in the coal mine.  Listening to mainstream information they are predicting a diesel shortage with rationing going on.  I'm concerned.  I'm also concerned about the sudden upswing in shootings.  I heard about the one in Texas last night and wanted to throw up.  

Do you question them?  I do.  Because we go for very long periods of time without anything like it and then suddenly... BOOM... there is a new one happening a couple of times a week.  It usually coincides with major events so as to distract us, it also always is immediately followed (in this case within hours) for a call to disarm the public.  

We have to start thinking far more logically about these things.  We have to start really thinking it through.  Stop accepting the media's story and start digging into what is really going on.  The reason I say this, I live in a larger city with an even larger urban area.  I rarely go downtown any longer, because of the fact that there are so many murders.  Not as bad as say Chicago, Detroit or say Baltimore, but still a substantially large number.  And who knows it could be more than those cities again, I don't work downtown any longer and don't really follow the statistics. 

Yes a mass shooting is horrific and I hope that everyone of the shooters rots in a hot spot for eternity. But the day to day shootings are larger in scope and no one is raising a concern on those.  Ironically, most of the places where gun violence is rampant are "gun free zones", I would assume a criminal feels fairly secure in the knowledge that they won't get shot there.  Our constitution gives us the right to bare arms.  So a gun free zone is a violation of the constitution.  Why are we always balking at the constitution.  If you want to have a gun, have a gun.  

What you cannot do is use that gun to murder.  That is a crime, already on the books, although at least in my city the prosecutors return those murders to the streets almost faster than they can arrest them. So what is the real problem?  The gun?  Or the human?

I am deeply in pain for those parents and loved ones.  I am also deeply in pain for the families of all the victims of random crime daily, where is that spotlight?  Where is the call to pay attention?  To see that the young man of yesterday had posted pictures on social media with his weapons and thoughts days before... that made me ill.  That means people knew he had issues that were bubbling.  But let's focus on the gun, an inanimate object that cannot act on it's own.  

There have been many other methods used to kill people.  Not just guns.  In the past few decades... there have been bombs made from fertilizer, pressure cookers, or possibly even planes (although, again I have my doubts).  What is the deeper reason here? What are we being distracted from?  Is it the skyrocketing cost of fuel?  Or groceries?  The fact that these incredibly weird weather patterns are affecting crops, particularly wheat (no I don't eat it, but millions do).  Or maybe it is they are trying to sneak in another "illness", ya know the one that has been around since the 50's?

When you have time to be still, to not be focused on the day to day distractions of a career, school, etc you also have time to process what is going on around you. The more I have that quiet time, the more questions I have.  As I am chopping or prepping for my next canning adventure I have lots of time to think about things.  Or when I am sitting quietly knitting or sewing.  While I am in my garden.  During these activities I am not worried about staffing, upcoming deadlines, budgets or anything else.  I am focused on our life.  When that noise level is so peaceful, there is so much that becomes bright and clear. 

All around us businesses are closing.  Rents are being raised on the small businesses by mega corporations that benefit either way, if it is filled they have income, if it is sitting empty they have a tax write off.  If the community suffers because of it, they really don't care. Some of them can't get inventory or supplies.  And most are struggling to figure out a business model that doesn't require as many people to keep the doors open. 

Could I go back to work, fill one of those holes.  Of course.  But that isn't what I want to do with my life, it isn't what Hubs wants me to do. Will I if needed, of course.  For us that isn't a need at this moment.  For this moment I am focused on what Hubs and I need.  I have a good number of friends that also see what is going on in a different light than the media wants us to.  They struggle with finding time for the things that I am able to do right now.  They worry about the rising costs and how to make ends meet.  They also know that an increase in pay is only going to equal an increase in costs, so you live in that proverbial catch 22.  

I don't have solutions.  I absolutely don't have answers.  There are people that are far more intelligent and forward thinking than I am that are going to come forward with those.  I feel more like the one that will be there to help fill the gap while these things are sorted out.  My old fashioned soul will help others learn.  Thinking about the passion with sour dough breads that occurred in 2020, was that a warning shot to learn to be self-sufficient?  I don't know.  

Today will involve some canning, a bit of sewing (I have to hem a set of curtains to block the blazing sun that we encounter each summer), a run to the grocery store (yes, I am up for the dose of panic and depression it will bring), cleaning my house and getting dinner ready for a visit from our eldest.  I'm not going to be working on solutions to global issues.  I'm going to be focusing on what I am feeling called to do by my heart and soul during those quiet times.  I'm working on the smallest of issues.  Maybe if we are all focusing on the smallest of issues instead of all the distractions, we might accidentally solve a lot of those huge issues. 

I offer it every time I think about it.  I am available to share any knowledge I have acquired over my lifetime, I am a sponge for any new knowledge you want to share with me.  I will always bow my head and lift up a prayer request the moment I see it, and I will always focus on sending love and light into our universe.  

The thing is, none of us are wrong, we are all looking at things through different lenses and perceptions.  Some of us are being shown things very differently than others.  The trick is how do we work together to reach the pure truth?  

Who knows... I don't... I'm just going to keep on, keeping on.  I'm going to pay attention to what is going on around me and I am going to focus on a better future for all of us.  Sadly, I feel in my heart that we are going deeper into a very dark time, and that it is only united and together that we come out on the other side to love and light.  Count me in, I'm prepared to be someone that is willing to work together to get there. 

Mom!!!  She took my bone again....

Okay... that is enough... I need to get busy doing the things and processing my feelings and thoughts along with tomatoes, peaches and blackberry juice.  And possibly some jalapeno's before they die on the vine. 

peace and love...   

careful...

Have you ever had one of those days that is so jam packed, that you get so much done, that you stop and feel like every muscle in your body hurts and you just can't function? Yeah, me too.  

By the time I stopped at 2:15 pm to shower and get ready for my youngest grand daughter's tumbling program I was wiped out. My hands felt like claws and I was absolutely on the exhaustion bus. Hubs and I got up and we must have had an abundance of energy from resting the day before, because we got busy and stayed that way! 

It was like we were on some crazy mission to accomplish the entire to do list.  Poor guy has an equally busy, physical day today also.  He will be outside pressure washing for hours.  I hope he takes it easy and I hope the weather warms up a bit.  It's only 46° outside this morning.  I am seriously wondering about Mother Nature this year.  Wasn't it only a week ago that it was over 90°? Both of those extreme's make pressure washing unpleasant. 

I will be busy too.  We stopped by my favorite produce stand and picked up some great deals.  Today will involve blackberry jam, tomato soup, finishing the beef broth, starting another couple of batches of beef broth (I cook them for about 24 hours on slow in my crock-pots - super rich and ready for delicious dinners), and then I have a couple of other recipes that I want to explore.  I also need to start organizing all my beautiful jars and tidying up the man cave, which is where they are currently residing. 

I'm also hoping to make some progress on the beautiful pair of socks, I'd like to finish them so that I don't feel guilty starting a new project, I have a quilt that is waiting for attention on the long arm.  I thought I had the perfect backing for it, but I'm not so sure now.  It's definitely a 1980's quilt top and the backings I thought would match are a much richer tone.  Not excited about the pairing. 

I've seen a few meme's lately that point out the time difference between 1918 - 1970 - 2022 or at least I think that is the spread... anyhow it's not even 5 am, I'm not doing math.  Pointing out the time difference.  The first time it shocked me a bit, especially as I was born pre-1970... I'm a 60's baby.  Then I started thinking about the things I used to consider oldies only to realize that that they were now considered antique's.  Huh?  When did that happen?  It doesn't feel like time is moving, but it is. 

In the 70's the early 1900's were so very far away.  The distant past.  People, transportation, everything was so much more primitive.  Is that how the youth of today feel?  Do they look at polyester clothing, rotary phones and tupperware in the same way?  Thinking it is quaint, possibly something to collect (WHY?) or do they think about it at all?  I sure don't see a lot of nostalgia pieces popping up.  I mean yeah, sometimes the old t-shirt designs and of course Scooby Doo (he's eternal).  The rest not so much.  For a minute the stores tried to bring back the prairie dresses and the like for women, they didn't appear to be such a big hit.  I see them in stores, I have yet to see them on a person wandering around. 

When we used to put together trivia nights for fund-raisers, Hubs always had a section called dead or alive.  It would list two famous people and you would have to say if they were alive at the same time.  I don't remember the names, but it was always shocking when you would find out that they would seem like they were from different centuries or times and find out that they were from the same time frame.  Different parts of the world or different cultures lead one to feel that they should never have been alive at the same time. 

I don't know.  At times everything seems cyclical and at others... well it feels like we have jumped timelines.  Yesterday I was listening to some things while doing my work.  A dear friend from so long ago, not quite the 70's - more like early 80's, had shared a comedy routine he'd done recently.  It was great.  It made me wish that I could have seen the whole show, maybe he has a new career?  I don't know, but he definitely made me laugh.  And having known him for a moment in time, I could see the zany guy he was when he was younger telling those very tales. 

Cyclical. 

Me?  There are times it feels cyclical, and other times that I feel like I just chose to stay in another time. Right about now, I am extremely thankful for the fact that I have retained so many of the old skills.  I love being old-fashioned. 

Life is getting a bit fuzzier every single day. I don't often listen to the mainstream news, it doesn't feel like information to me.  It feels like I am being told a story.  I listen to news that other countries put out and I listen to non-traditional sources, it's actually quite an eclectic collection.  I feel I get a better picture of what is truly going on. 

I'm fairly sure that there will be another push to lock everyone down further, especially given that gas is being predicted to go over $6 a gallon in the next two months (this was even from mainstream news - JP Morgan to be exact).  I mean if people can't afford gas they aren't going anywhere.

I mean a super rare virus has managed to show up in 12 countries in the same week, really folks?  It's been around since the 50's.  Many people contract it every year and if you research it before the information is edited and changed you will know this.  But hey, let's push another lock down.  There is a lot of stuff out there if you are interested in finding it, it's not my job to do that. 

Just look at the utter chaos the last bit of ridiculousness has left us to deal with.  The toilet paper shortage was simply the tip of the iceberg and it put a really bright spot light on the way people will react in a crisis.  I still have the images of people hauling out tons of tp to load up their cars, some people will never again in their lifetimes buy toilet paper, think about it. 

Yesterday I saw a video from LA, a woman was asking another woman why she had just put literally all of the available baby formula in her cart.  Trying to explain that other mom's, herself included, needed that formula for their babies also.  The woman didn't offer even a jar of it, and the cart was stuffed, she simply said you should have been quicker.  Huh?  My heart could have never allowed me to do that. 

Folks really need to stop listening to "talking points" around oil and fossil fuels and think for a few darn minutes.  One of my favorite YouTubers is always saying "use the brains God and granny gave you".  I understand the various thoughts regarding electric cars and such.  There are other ways to do it.  I'm not even talking about using those items to fuel our vehicles, although I have truly considered the need to acquire a good old fashioned push mower... Folks need to start thinking about the deeper layers.  Not just how am I going to get to work or go do my fun stuff.  

Petroleum is in a great number of things that you use every single moment of every single day.  What happens when they can't be made the same way?  Are you ready to make and or repair with scarce parts the stuff you need?  Have you put tires on a car lately?  I mean seriously?  We did in January for mine, the tires for my car were almost double what we'd paid for tires on Hubs truck a year before. 

Shanghai is still under a lock-down from the first control, it is where most of the items leaving China come from.  That is what is causing the shortages in many areas.  Their ships are sitting in harbor empty (workers cannot go to their jobs creating the things we expect) or unable to leave (the crews are still locked down). Once they are finally able to leave their homes and go back to their jobs how long is it going to take?  Abbot Labs was shut down - that one makes absolutely no sense - but there will be at least a six week delay to getting formula on shelves once they can reopen. 

We don't import wheat (or didn't), yet in this time of crisis our government has chosen to export 1/3 of our grain to another country.  One that isn't much larger than a few of our states crammed together.  Does that math make even the slightest sense?  Does any of it truly make sense?

And don't forget that now there is a huge spread of lot numbers of peanut butter from a wide span of time that have to be disposed of due to the CDC warning of botulism.  Strange.  Frankly, I don't even want to ask the universe what's next... because I am sure there are at least a few other things waiting in the wings.  

Here's the thing.  I'm not worried.  I know that I have crazy skills in a lot of areas.  Maybe my life long passion of learning the older ways was an unrealized premonition.  Things are a royal shit show since the last game played on us.  How much do you think the next one will harm us?  

I was talking with my girlfriends this weekend, we were talking about folks not wanting to work these days.  Yet as the conversation evolved we realized that maybe, just maybe the whole thing wasn't about folks not wanting to work as it was about the closings of schools, businesses and such for an extended period of time reset people's mindsets.  Maybe the fact that daycare's don't have spaces forced folks to realize that they did not need as much money as they thought.  Because when you are forced to re-evaluate your needs vs your wants, many times you find out that you can definitely exist on a far leaner salary than you originally thought. 

When you eliminate the need to have two vehicles (or less driving if you keep one), going out for meals, having a professional wardrobe, paying for day care, etc and you think about the previously unknowns... better health (it's amazing what happens when you cook at home), quality time with your own children, time with family, less stuff needed for the day to day... well... maybe it isn't that people don't want to work.  Maybe it's that the work force has changed, maybe it's that people are making better decisions for themselves?

Oh who knows.  My brain gets twisted in a million different directions.  What I do know, is Hubs and I are going to continue doing what is best for our family.  We are moving things forward for us. 

Well, I know... I am on a rant.  I'm tired of people hurting and being forced into boxes... so if I offended you with my thoughts... I started to say I'm sorry, but I'm not.  I simply want more of us to think, to process what is going on and to have intelligent conversations about it. I refuse to live in fear and I am definitely using the brain that God and granny gave me.  I question everything!

love and peace...

roads not traveled...

Another Monday.  A promise of rain.  A promise of lower temperatures.  And always the promise of better things to come. 

I haven't felt like writing for a variety of reasons.  I'm angry, I'm actually flat out pissed off and I am afraid that I will violate my own rules for my blog.  So I've been sitting silently and stewing on my thoughts and feelings. Trying to decide if speaking my truth will do the very things I have avoided doing for a long time. 

I've also been trying to be busy and helpful around the house.  I am able to move so much better and I am looking forward to my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. Each day I am able to walk more like a human and less robotic, I am able to stand for longer periods of time, I am able to do more and more around the house.  I have actually been cooking at least 50% of our meals again.  Talk about feeling accomplished.  I'm still struggling with how much longer it takes me to do things right now, the slowness, the need to rethink everyday tasks.  But each day, I feel far more empowered and capable. 

I ran out of sleep around 3 am today, I tried diligently for an hour to fall back asleep, but the world and life were insistent that they were taking over my thoughts. At 4 am I gave up.  Hubs was awake, there was no reason to lie there and pretend that my mind wasn't moving at the speed of sound, finding more and more to ponder when I was pleading with it to hush. But I had slept for 7 hours, the exhaustion from yesterday had me sound asleep by 8. 

So much was accomplished over the course of the weekend, that if felt like far more than 2 short days.  Sweet Hubs got to take his boat out for his maiden fishing trip.  He had wanted to wait for me, but that hardly seemed fair or reasonable.  Instead he spent the wee hours of Saturday down at Trout Lodge with his buddy "slaying them".  The change in his attitude was evident immediately.  I hated not being able to join them, even to just sit on the dock and enjoy the beauty around me, but I knew it was asking too much from a leg that I had already been pushing the limits on. 

I took advantage of the time to finish up one of my hand worked blocks and let my leg rest.  It needed it. It's odd how sometimes being here at the house alone feels like a prison sentence.  I want nothing more than to be able to leave, to go and be part of the life I feel is happening outside my door.  And other times, it feels like a precious gift.  A sanctuary that feels protective, warm and safe. 

I guess I am moving firmly into that chop wood and carry water phase of life.  

I've had to turn off all news and television.  My heart is aching too much.  I am angry.  Thirteen young lives are over.  Most of those young troops that lost their lives weren't even old enough to have their first legal drink.  Funny, we can ask you to shed blood for our country, but our country doesn't feel you are old enough to have a cold one after work - I mean come on you can't possibly be mature enough to handle that before 21. 

There are many times that I get way in my feelings where our government is concerned.  I get so pissed off that people will trade "security" for freedoms.  I become numb when I start to consider it. I would rather be a free human, making my own life choices (good, bad or indifferent) than be a part of a society that marches in lock step at our leaders commands.  For years, I have quietly watched (well unless you are one of my very dear friends that knows my heart).  For years, I have played the game.  I'm getting damn tired of playing the game. 

I am a military brat, former spouse and wife of a veteran.  To me the blood spilled in Afghanistan is family blood.  There are far too many unanswered questions that people are closing their eyes and minds to that make this far less a tragic "accident" and far more likely a planned or assisted event.  

Thirteen families are altered forever.  Thirteen brave young people are gone.  Because of what?  Stupid decisions.  I'm sorry when you are the leader of the country you don't get to make stupid decisions. 

I still am not at a point that I can clearly process any of this.  The fact that it is even happening is surreal.  The fact that people are not opening their eyes, questioning what is before them, boldly asking what the hell is going on?  I am stunned.  I am in shock.  I am mute. 

Each time I see a table set and reserved for those thirteen individuals my eyes fill with tears, my heart breaks a bit more. And yet we continue to let our leaders - the people that should be speaking for us, but aren't even remotely doing it, talk over the hurt and sadness. 

August 26, a mere 4 days ago.  With credible intelligence that it was going to happen.  Oddly enough the current leader of our country had mentioned that ISIS would be a threat very soon, just days before they were. Yet we couldn't even respectfully ask for flags to be lowered in their honor for a full 24 hours.  How hard is that?  We seem to lower them non-stop anymore, for anyone. There is simply too much that fails to remotely make sense. 

I can't change any of it right now. I can pray for the families affected by this.  I can fuss and fidget over the stupidity that is swirling around me.  I can wonder at the level of disconnection that people are displaying.  We've become so caught up in the everyday world, in the sleep, work, eat, sleep world that we somehow feel is what we are here for that we are missing so much of what is going on around us. 

I have strong feelings regarding so much of what is going on in this crazy world right now, but at the same time, I feel my voice is powerless. 

So again back to chopping wood and carrying water. 

I will continue to stand strong in the things that matter to me, I will continue to push where I can, and walk away from things that do NOT serve me and my family. I will continue to pray, because God is far more powerful than all of this. And I will continue to have hope for mankind.  I don't believe any of what is going on is just an American problem, I firmly believe it is a global problem.  We are being led somewhere that we will one day wake up in shock and wonder how we got there. Or maybe so many have already given up their God given freedoms to the point that they will be happy with where they are headed. 

Just like a frog in a slowly warming pot of water, he will eventually die from it, but because it is so gradual he never notices. 

I know this is disjointed.  I know it is rambling.  I am truly trying to wrap my head around a world and country that I do not recognize. 

Thank you for reading, if you are a prayerful person - the world needs you now more than ever.  

I think I am going back to cleaning... I don't have the heart to stay where my mind is right now.... 

patience...

Anyone else feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz?  That moment with the Good Witch tells her while looking at her beautiful ruby slippers... "you've had the power all along".  I am a complete fan of the Wizard of Oz, I have seen all the movies, read the book, and actually own most of the Wicked series.  In my office there is a beautiful ruby cup that says sometimes you have to put the hat on and show them who they are dealing with.

I definitely admit to having a small obsession. But that isn't the meaning of this blog.  I was scrolling through Facebook this morning.  Looking for the uplifting and fun posts that I knew would be there. I came across a post from a friend referring to gas prices and making the comment that "we had the power all along". 

It resonated with me.

We have had the power all along.  We just haven't had the will and desire.

I wrote a post yesterday.  It was light and full of energy. I hadn't gotten it finished before walking Neeko, so I decided to take some pictures of the beautiful morning to put in.  It was a glorious morning.  Beautiful.  Sun shining, tree's budding, a brilliant blue sky.  It made my morning perfect.

And then, just as quickly the rain rolled in.  Physically and metaphorically.  The clouds darkened before I could even get on my first conference call.  By the time I logged in there was the roll of thunder and huge splashes of rain blurring the beauty.  Making it hazy and hard to see. And as I started opening email my bright optimistic mood started to dim.

My energy card was strategy yesterday, it was telling me to plan.  I was struggling to understand the path it was asking me to see.

Later in the day, as the sky was brightening once again.  With the temperatures rising and the sound of people out walking and moving about, things that normally lift my heart.  I had sunk to a low that felt impossible to climb out of. 

My light and loving post, had never been posted.  I simply couldn't find it in me to even edit it.  My mood was black, my energy stolen and I was feeling defeated.

Words and actions are powerful. Anyone that knows me, knows that I come from a place of honesty and pure truth.  I will not ever be deceitful, heck I don't even get invited to participate in pranks - I suck at it.  So when I am surrounded by cloak and dagger, half truths and evasion.  I also don't do well with stuck in a hole, closed mindsets. I struggle HARD!

None of us knows what the path ahead looks like.  I am doing my level best to uplift and shine loving light on everyone.  I struggle when people that I love and trust cannot return that same energy.

I was afraid that I would not sleep again last night.  I was empty.  I needed the rest, I knew it.  But I also knew where my heart was, and worse yet, where my head was.

I decided to visit a couple of pages on Facebook that I knew would fill me with hope if there was any to be had.  And sure enough, one of them had a message that I felt was spoken directly to me. I allowed myself to read it a few times, to focus on the words. 

Climbing the stairs I was still lost in thought about it.  I normally do not meditate at night, usually it is my morning routine.  After the search through my crafting room had not netting me any more of the soft pale alpaca wool to spin, and listening to several podcasts. I decided I may as well try.

I'd only put in guided meditation - because frankly I was too frazzled to lead myself - and there it was.  It had only been posted that morning.  "Guided Meditation Before Sleep.  Let Go of Fear in Uncertain Times".  It was from the same channel that some of my favorite sleep music comes from so... yep, gave it a try.

It was the best meditation that I have had since the beginning of February at The Peace Place. Thirty minutes flew by and took my stress with it.  I felt so peaceful and calm inside.  So loved by all that is. 

Each of us has our own way of dealing with things.  This is mine. 

As the world is slowing and changing some folks are reacting in negativity and anger.  Some of reacting with fear.  The universe is truly calling on us to lean into the changes.  So many red flags have been up for a long, long time. I was talking with Hubs this morning, sharing with him my beliefs (which FYI collide hard with his good Catholic upbringing) that we have been individually asking the universe for things without realizing it.

I have asked for more time.  Feeling rushed and frazzled.  Mourning the loss of precious disconnectedness in a world that is far too connected and demanding. I was still going about my life.  Just like everyone else.  I was still running hither and yon. 

And now. 

My phone is silent in the morning, work isn't begging for my attention. I don't feel guilty taking the time to meditate, do energy exercises, walk my dog, or blog.  At 5 pm, I am shutting off my computer.  My phone only rings with loved ones, dear friends. I am treasuring the silence. The peace.

I know people are mourning some of their favorite activities. The physical connection.  This is for but a moment in time.  I saw that someone connected yesterday with a Bible verse.  The numbers lined up the same.  Telling us to isolate. Until it passed.

Soon enough we will join each other face to face.  Soon enough we will laugh, play and celebrate.

Patience.  A new day will dawn.
.

is everyone okay?

Just checking in... How is everyone doing?  Here in my corner of the mid-west a stay at home order is in effect.  I still go to my branch occasionally through out the week, but mostly I need to work from home right now. 

I didn't write yesterday.  

I overslept - something I rarely do.  I felt stressed and flustered because of it.  I wasn't ready to start working at 8, heck barely made it by 9.  As I didn't wake up until 8:10 and still had to walk the dog, brush my teeth, drink coffee (I simply do not understand how folks function without a steaming cup of heaven each morning - or 4... ). The fact that my employer is trusting me to work from home, the me inside - the people pleaser - was completely focused on making sure he got a full 8 hours minimum of dedicated work.  I want to honor that trust.  To not make them feel I am a waste of money at a time like this. 

That is simply who I am.  It's not right, it's not wrong.  It's simply me. 

Honestly that part of me is what caused a long and sleepless night.  Terrified that I would not wake up in time to go to the branch as I have said I will be the one there today.  I am tired.  Bone tired.  If I believe my Fitbit, I only slept a grand total of 4 hours.  I went to bed at 9.  How is that possible?

I am worried about people that are part of my team.  I am worried about what all of this will mean to them, I am also worried about my own personal future.  The realist that lives in my brain would NOT shut up last night.  Nothing was helping. 

We are all on this journey, at different places and in different times.  That means that just as one is coming to terms another is falling apart.  The unending changes and fluidity of what the entire globe is facing is stressful.  

I firmly believe we will come out of all of this whole.  Just as firmly as I believe that things will never be the same.  Maybe some of the strain is the fact that many are grieving what is gone.  They are in that stage of loss?  I don't know.  I can only speak for myself. 

Each day I wake up a bit stronger in my own convictions.  And a bit less sure of anything outside of my home, family and close friends. 

I am working hard to only have uplifting and positive things surrounding me.  I will admit that I have snoozed more things on Facebook than I haven't.  I need the link to the good.  I need to walk away from the negativity and divisiveness. I am not asking people to stop believing what they believe.  That is each person's right and belief.  I just don't have the time or energy to expend on falsehoods, negative energy, hatred or inflicted pain.  

I am working to keep my personal energy high.  I am working on the inside.  Not the inside of my home (whew - although it needs it) but on the inside of my heart and on soul work.  I am finding more time spent in silence and meditation.  I am laughing more, smiling more, seeking out those that are willing and able to do that with me. 

I can't change anything external right now.  I can't even really protect my team, which is what my nature calls me to do.  I can only change who I am inside and how I choose to react to things.  I don't care about anyone's politics, I don't want to hear the news except for facts, I want to find my own way through this jungle that we are now in.  I want to find love in my heart to send out into the universe.  I want to be the one to dry tears and offer a safe space as we navigate these waters. 

I firmly believe that how we treat ourselves and one another is the defining moment.  The love and grace that we give is what will be remembered.  Okay and some people will probably never forget that they could not find toilet paper.  I had an amazing time laughing about that yesterday with one of our seniors.  She had some interesting suggestions if anyone needs some. 

Be good to yourself.  Check in with your heart.  Are you meeting your own needs?  If not, start there.  Take a long hot shower each day, or maybe a soak in the tub.  Try to find that quiet time.  You know where you put down the electronics, you turn off the television.  Dust off an old hobby that has lain dormant.  I was talking with one of my team yesterday and she'd mentioned that she started a cross stitch pattern.  Something she hadn't done in years. And the peace that she had found doing so.  Do something that requires focus.  It will require you to stop worrying, stressing and resisting and allow you to simply be. Cook a meal to share with your family.  If you live alone... have a virtual dinner party with dear friends. 

Find ways to connect... one of my dearest friends is hosting a virtual happy hour each day.  It is after all still birthday month.  I am concerned that participation could lead to a slight drinking problem by the time this is over... but the laughter it is bringing me... well... I'll take my chances. 

My sweet Neeko crashed a virtual meeting with my safety team.  He was tired of mom sitting with the computer on her lap and not paying attention to him.  

We've been exchanging group chat's that have full of laughter and jokes.  Find ways to simply be!

Well, it's time for me to pack my lunch and get ready to just go be somewhere else.... I am sending love and light to you.  

slow...

slow...

That single word has been stuck in my consciousness for almost a month now.  It pops up when I'm walking, meditating, awakening or simply sitting.  It has felt large and powerful.  It has demanded attention.  I have felt drawn to blog about it for weeks, but the rest of the words were not yet ready to be there.

When I write it is usually because something is drawing me to it.  Things feel like they have to escape my mind and become real.  I don't know a better way to describe it. It has only been in the past few days that the thoughts have started to come together.

Scary words are flying around pandemic, panic, coronavirus, COVID 19, self-quarantine, and even death.  I am still struggling a bit with it all.  Not from the reality of it existing.  I have no doubt about it.  There are new viruses coming into being all the time.  We live in a world that is full of other bacteria and germs.  I am struggling with what appears to me to be the greater virus.

Humanity.

At least where we are right now.

We are greedy, self-centered, our ego is greater than our compassion. At least that is how it appears.

It's been a crazy busy week.  I worked long days, over 12 hours a day, all but one day.  I even worked yesterday and will again today.  I will admit to being tired.  All of it was good stuff, but exhausting none the less.  The day I was going to call it quits early and actually buy some groceries for my seriously empty home, things started spiraling out of control and I ended up working even later.

In my personal bubble I was dealing with the impact of this virus and paying little attention to the insanity it was brewing. I am calling it a temporary insanity, because the fear is causing normally sane people to behave in manners that are mind numbing.

When I finally left work yesterday, after explaining to numerous people the reason we could not honor this or that was for their personal safety. Being yelled at and cussed out because I could not allow baby showers and group gatherings, I will admit to being very mentally exhausted.

I am a strong person.  I can take a great deal.  My default personality type is that of an extreme optimist... yet I can only absorb so much negativity and pessimism. By noon yesterday I was tapped out. All of the great conversations I had been having with peers and friends on how to make a great impact during this time of upheaval were squashed aside that's for sure.

Emotionally tapped out, starving (I hadn't been excited about the oatmeal sweet Hubs had made for breakfast as I was out of fruit and nuts to put in it - so I ate very little), and basically just weary of the fear that was invading our world... I was ready for a lunch date with Hubs.  A chance to unplug and process.

Lunch was incredible, I had so much fun simply chatting in the dim light enjoying each other's company.  Briefly glancing at my phone as I knew there was a conference call going on at that moment that could have implications.  I was ready to bounce back into work mode if need be. It was towards the end of lunch that Hubs got a call from work.

We work for the same place, just in different areas.  I take care of people directly, he takes care of the facilities and supplies. We'd been planning our grocery shopping for the week (no we did not need toilet paper) and various other items that were on our usual weekly to-do list. So we knew we'd be going out.  His call was a request to search for some items that were needed and in short supply.

I figured we could complete our weekly stuff at the same time.  I was woefully unprepared for what I witnessed at the stores we were shopping in. I was saddened. I watched people walking to their cars with carts full of toilet paper and paper towels (I can list several more sustainable ways... but no judgement), once inside the grocery stores and even Wal-Mart (yep still not my favorite place - but we were leaving no stone unturned) the shelves were bare.  I mean completely bare.

The hordes of locusts in the Bible could not have cleaned those shelves better.  I was in search of ingredients to make vegan corned veef, in whose world is vital wheat gluten something you should horde? If it was boxed or canned it did not exist.I couldn't buy a box of pasta... FYI, you can make that yourself... guess I will be. The crazed behavior was something you could feel.

We never found what Hubs was in search of.  Going to one of my favorite stores we found shelves over flowing with goodness, all the items on our list (although they removed the fresh oatmeal press and the guy working the bakery was awfully snarly that he had to slice my bread - they are the ones that removed the machine - not me), and it was calm.  I will continue to be willing to pay a bit more for that kind of sanctuary.  Sweet Hubs asked a lady if they had what he was looking for, they didn't.  But she immediately started to pray that we could find it and use it for comfort and protection.

Back to slow...

Through all the insanity of yesterday afternoon, which is really difficult for a highly sensitive person by the way, I still kept hearing the word slow. It was becoming a louder, more insistent SLOW.

There was no medication left on shelves, very few food items, and lets not talk about toilet paper. People were frantic.

There are only a few confirmed cases of COVID 19 in our entire area. Panic is ruling.

My heart, my meditations, and my very being are telling me not to worry.  They are telling me this is something that has been needed.  Not from a cleansing sense, I want no one ill or to die.  But from a reset sense.

So many times in recent years I have longed for the simplicity that has slowly slipped away.  The other morning I took Neeko for his morning walk.  I was cranky and not wanting to be bothered so I left my phone at home.  We walked for about 30 wondrous minutes. He's 15, I didn't rush him one bit.  We savored the beauty of the day, we listened to birds and he considered chasing a few.  During that entire walk the only thing that kept going through my thoughts was how wonderful it felt. A sense of loss for an entire generation or two that don't remember or know the beauty of silence.  Of walking along and listening to the birds on an early spring morning and genuinely hearing them.  The complete disconnection and oneness.

Is it possible that this virus slowing us down is giving us a chance to reset.  To not be so hurried and rushed.  Families are being forced to spend time together, not rushing to and from activities and events.  Schools across the river are closed, people are cancelling vacations and staying home.

I am worried about the financial impact, to all of us.  I worry about our seniors.  I worry that the hording mentality will cause someone to need that cold medicine to treat this virus and it won't be available.  I worry that we will continue to be trapped in our bubbles of self importance while others suffer. I worry that my sweet Hubs and mom - who are in the age bracket that is most vulnerable could get sick. I worry about my son, he's so far away.  I worry about my daughter and her kids.

I could give into the worry.  I am choosing not to. I woke up this morning, did my energy exercises and mediation.  The words were finally starting to gel so here I am.

Slow down.  The heavens have been sending the message for a while now.  It's okay to sit quietly, to not leave your home for rush about stuff for a day or two. It's okay to savor your coffee, go for long walks with loved ones in the sunshine, sit outside or read a book. It's okay to create something, learn a skill, or finish a project that has been tucked away in the business of rushing about. It's okay to enjoy the sunrises and the sunsets. It's okay to take a breath, to just be.

Instead of focusing on the insanity this is causing.  The panic and fear.  Maybe, just maybe, we slow.

We call friends and check on neighbors.  We share some of that horded toilet paper with that family that didn't get any.  Write some letters, send some emails, we are no longer an isolated society unless we refuse to reach out that helping hand.

My heart has so been lifted by the good.  The singing in Italy, my cousin in Germany sharing how they are supporting one another, restaurants offering free lunches to children that count on that daily school lunch to feed them (the delivery method might need work... but hey), the posts on Facebook and Nextdoor offering to go and get groceries (I now know those are brave souls) and supplies for neighbors that might be in the vulnerable groups.

I feel the universe is telling us that it is okay to slow down. It's not just okay, it is needed.  We are human beings, not human doings.  And there is not a shortage of anything, at least not a natural shortage.  Greed and fear are creating it.  Turn off your televisions for a while, the media has a place in this world and it is important to stay informed.  But when all you hear is panic and fear from every angle... well... then you start having people crocheting toilet paper...

My sweet Hubs just lit a fire for me.  So I am going to take a few minutes to savor my coffee, rest my weary soul and then it will be time to take our sweet old boy for a nice, long, SLOW walk.

As the age of Aquarius dawns, and we are drawn naturally do to more for others, please find the place in your heart to do so.  Check on others, be willing to do things.

My heart is saying slow down, re-evaluate things, look at what is truly needed and then proceed...

Slow...

Love and light to each of you...

remember when...

18 Years...

I was driving down the sunny, overcrowded street on my way to drop off my car, the USB full of music that Hubs handed me the other day playing loudly.  Deeply engrossed in the joy that comes with owning a convertible on a cool late summer morning, I didn't notice the first notes of the song that had started. 

Then it hit me, I hadn't listened to that collection of music in a long time, so I wasn't fully aware as Alan Jackson started singing "where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day..."

Suddenly 18 years disappeared.  Instantly I was transported back in time, to a place half way around the world. 18 years ago, I had just gotten home from work.  I was using instant messenger to talk to my mom back in the States, my sweet little boy was engrossed in his after school cartoons, my ex was kicked back in his recliner enjoying his annual early September vacation (football season had started) and our girl was over at her friends house, across the street. 

It was a normal day, half way around the world from where it all stopped. 

My little guy was just 10 at the time, he whirled around and looked at me.  The anger was written all over his face.  He'd waited all day to watch his shows, even gotten his homework done quickly so that he could "relax".  I looked at my ex, both of us were in shock at what we were watching on CNN - the only American news channel we had at the time.  They had cut in, breaking news, the first tower already burning we watched in horror as the plane hit the second tower. 

I quickly typed to mom that I had to go, that the towers had just been attacked.  Being a military family I think we understood quicker than others had.  I knew it would impact us greatly.  We lived in a foreign country, on a military base, within walking distance of a major international airport. I needed to get both of my babies with me.  I was frantically calling my daughter home, I understood she was simply across the street, but I wasn't in the mood for her teenage attitude.  I needed her HOME.

As my ex slowly lowered his recliner, we both knew that his vacation was over.  We both understood that soon the phone would ring; that he would be recalled to duty.  We had lived in Germany during Desert Storm, we remembered, he was always mission essential. 

It didn't take us long to process, we were numb, but we understood.  Being military, we also understood that it had to be the work of Osama Bin Laden. It was a name we new, had known, a dangerous man.

As the gates surrounding us locked we were cut off from the outside world, schools were cancelled, Threat Con Delta was implemented.  We both did our jobs as parents and employees. 

I remember feeling thankful that the pantry was stocked, that if needed we would be able to share with neighbors that hadn't had time to go to the main base and were now reliant on a very small shoppette with limited supplies.  We had no idea how long it would last, none of us had any answers. 

There is a picture that is burned into my brain.  One my ex took the day after.  I haven't seen it in years, I don't even know if I have a copy of it.  I don't need one. It lives forever in my heart and mind.  As he went about his duties the following morning, it was raining.  We were confined to our small housing area.  It was eerily quiet, as most traffic had stopped - there was nowhere to go.  The planes were all grounded.  The only sound was rain and soft voices speaking is hushed, stunned tones.  We were all walking on eggshells.  There was no where we could go.  Armed police keeping us safe were everywhere protecting us from an unknown and unseen threat. 

The picture was a single rose, wrapped in plastic, wedged in the back gate and the chains that were enforcing the regular lock.  A kind German had put it there.  A symbol of sympathy and solidarity. It was drenched from the pouring rain.  He'd done it in black and white. It was how the world felt for us.

I don't understand how that day and the days that followed felt for people in the States.  I watched the cycling news in horror.  I don't know how quickly life returned to "normal" in the US, I know that when I left Germany almost a full year later, life hadn't returned completely to normal.  It was a long while before we stopped living in threat con Delta.  Before we went back to threat con Charlie.  Freedom hadn't really returned the way we had treasured it before. 

I spent many nights working the USO so that troops passing through could call their families back home.  Making coffee and providing a safe place.  This was after a day spent working to keep our kids safe.  I spend countless hours arranging armed guards for each bus, on each trip between our bases and schools. I stopped having time to plan the fun events that I had done the year before.  It was all about safety.

It was harder for our kids to come and go from the bases and communities as they used to.  No more traipsing through the woods to the closest village for treats and meet ups with friends, our world so far away had forever changed. 

It is hard to realize an entire generation has been born and raised that will never understand the impact of that September day.  So many that are protesting and fighting because of the silos of race, religion, gender, socio-economic issues, etc. will never know the power of being united and one. 

I grew up in a different type of world. I raised my kids in that same world.  The military is different.  There are many things that I encounter on a daily basis now in my fifties that are awkward and uncomfortable, it feels like life is trying to unteach me a lifetime of knowing to simply love my fellow man. I stumble when I get sucked into conversations that include those silo's, it isn't natural for me.  For a moment in time, America was only filled with American's, it felt wonderful.  For a moment in time, we were able to love completely.  It sad it took something so ugly to do it, even sadder that we have forgotten. 

I'm sitting in a car dealership waiting for a ride.  They ran out of rentals. I technically had the last one assigned to me.  The young man on his way to a major job interview was moments behind me; he was going to have to cancel the repair appointment that it took a week to get.  

Maybe it was the day.  Maybe it was the fact that I could wait for a ride - that my sweet Hubs was able to come a get me, get me to my meeting on time.  Maybe it was that I had all of my work with me... I was able to let them give him the rental. 

I don't know. 

What I do know is that one this day in particular, with the words to that song and the memories of all the stories echoing in my mind, it felt good to be able to say please give it to him. It felt like a higher power decided it for me, long before the words left my mouth. 

The chair I'm sitting in is not that uncomfortable, the work I will get done can happen here or at the table in the meeting area I was heading to.  I was able to help make a person's day just a little bit later. In return it made my day just a little bit better. 

I will never forget where I was that day, the change it made in my life and I will always strive to honor the cost.  The innocent lives shattered, the heroes, the first responders, the working dogs, the lives destroyed and forever altered. 

Five years ago yesterday tragedy struck my family.  I remember the love and compassion even strangers gave us.  Maybe if all strive to live like it might be the last moment, love unconditionally, and not be so self-centered we can overcome so much of the negativity and hurt that radiates through our world today. 

So... where were you?

still waters run deep...

What a week, what a month, what a year.

I'm spinning internally.  It seems that this year was definitely about change, serious change for me.

I lost my Dad.

I've lost dear friends.

And now I am getting ready to face yet another change.

Being a military brat/spouse for most of my life, this past 15 years has been a bit unusual.  I've developed friendships, roots, a commonality with those around me. Stability.

I mean yes, I've changed jobs, I've moved houses and well states - but only because where I live is a border area.

I've changed roles both in my personal and professional life.

I've changed. A lot!

Yet some things have remained solid and steady.

Right now I feel a bit like a whiny baby.  There are big changes in my professional world. 

BIG.

And that scared little military brat that loves the challenges of a new adventure is excited.  But the woman that I have become is heart broken at the loss of the "family" and stability that I have finally gotten. 

It's time for me to take on a new role.  I am not sure that I was ready to walk away from the old one.  But I am not sure if it personal or professional. It'a all intertwined with so many things that aren't mine to share.  So much of it is twisting and turning in my head and heart.

There has been so much change.

Over my birthday weekend my sweet Hubs ended up in the hospital.  He's okay, he will be just fine.  But he has to make some choices with his own life.  He has to decide that those lifestyle changes are okay.  I can't do it for him.  Despite the fact that I would like to.  I've tried for years to convince him that some choices were not good for him, this week someone else agreed with me, loud and clear.

In the midst of this, fate stepped in and changed my course professionally. I have a new path to follow.  I will still be connected to what I love, but I will have a new address, soon.  And a team that I have built and loved will have a new person in my role.  I hate to say a new leader, I don't consider that who I am.  I have a great team of people that I get the honor and privilege of working hand and hand with to make a difference.

When my new role starts, I will have a new group of people.  A new, yet same path.

The shock is easing.  I love a new challenge.  I know that in order to grow that change is necessary.  I am currently wondering what lessons I need to learn.  Why has this year taken so much away. 

When I took on Downtown, I was able to call my Dad, tell him.  He understood, not only my excitement but my fears.  Now as I get ready to change again, I know that I cannot call him and listen to his halting speech help me sort it out. For the first time since 2007 I am leaving behind people that I adore and consider my family. 

Oh I know that they won't be far.  That I can go back to visit them.  That they will still be my family, but it feels a little like a divorce.  A little like if I did that I would be stepping on someone else's toes.  I also know me.  I know who I am and how I operate. 

I will probably be a bit quieter.

I will probably need some serious time to get my feet on solid ground.  I have a Hubs to heal and a whole lot of internal growth that needs to happen. 

The changes are feeling far too overwhelming right now. Personally, professionally, completely.

As my Facebook feed fills with positive message and hope (quiet by design) I am looking for that balanced happy place... I am mourning losses mine and others, and I am struggling...

Interesting start to my 53rd year...