roads not traveled...

Another Monday.  A promise of rain.  A promise of lower temperatures.  And always the promise of better things to come. 

I haven't felt like writing for a variety of reasons.  I'm angry, I'm actually flat out pissed off and I am afraid that I will violate my own rules for my blog.  So I've been sitting silently and stewing on my thoughts and feelings. Trying to decide if speaking my truth will do the very things I have avoided doing for a long time. 

I've also been trying to be busy and helpful around the house.  I am able to move so much better and I am looking forward to my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. Each day I am able to walk more like a human and less robotic, I am able to stand for longer periods of time, I am able to do more and more around the house.  I have actually been cooking at least 50% of our meals again.  Talk about feeling accomplished.  I'm still struggling with how much longer it takes me to do things right now, the slowness, the need to rethink everyday tasks.  But each day, I feel far more empowered and capable. 

I ran out of sleep around 3 am today, I tried diligently for an hour to fall back asleep, but the world and life were insistent that they were taking over my thoughts. At 4 am I gave up.  Hubs was awake, there was no reason to lie there and pretend that my mind wasn't moving at the speed of sound, finding more and more to ponder when I was pleading with it to hush. But I had slept for 7 hours, the exhaustion from yesterday had me sound asleep by 8. 

So much was accomplished over the course of the weekend, that if felt like far more than 2 short days.  Sweet Hubs got to take his boat out for his maiden fishing trip.  He had wanted to wait for me, but that hardly seemed fair or reasonable.  Instead he spent the wee hours of Saturday down at Trout Lodge with his buddy "slaying them".  The change in his attitude was evident immediately.  I hated not being able to join them, even to just sit on the dock and enjoy the beauty around me, but I knew it was asking too much from a leg that I had already been pushing the limits on. 

I took advantage of the time to finish up one of my hand worked blocks and let my leg rest.  It needed it. It's odd how sometimes being here at the house alone feels like a prison sentence.  I want nothing more than to be able to leave, to go and be part of the life I feel is happening outside my door.  And other times, it feels like a precious gift.  A sanctuary that feels protective, warm and safe. 

I guess I am moving firmly into that chop wood and carry water phase of life.  

I've had to turn off all news and television.  My heart is aching too much.  I am angry.  Thirteen young lives are over.  Most of those young troops that lost their lives weren't even old enough to have their first legal drink.  Funny, we can ask you to shed blood for our country, but our country doesn't feel you are old enough to have a cold one after work - I mean come on you can't possibly be mature enough to handle that before 21. 

There are many times that I get way in my feelings where our government is concerned.  I get so pissed off that people will trade "security" for freedoms.  I become numb when I start to consider it. I would rather be a free human, making my own life choices (good, bad or indifferent) than be a part of a society that marches in lock step at our leaders commands.  For years, I have quietly watched (well unless you are one of my very dear friends that knows my heart).  For years, I have played the game.  I'm getting damn tired of playing the game. 

I am a military brat, former spouse and wife of a veteran.  To me the blood spilled in Afghanistan is family blood.  There are far too many unanswered questions that people are closing their eyes and minds to that make this far less a tragic "accident" and far more likely a planned or assisted event.  

Thirteen families are altered forever.  Thirteen brave young people are gone.  Because of what?  Stupid decisions.  I'm sorry when you are the leader of the country you don't get to make stupid decisions. 

I still am not at a point that I can clearly process any of this.  The fact that it is even happening is surreal.  The fact that people are not opening their eyes, questioning what is before them, boldly asking what the hell is going on?  I am stunned.  I am in shock.  I am mute. 

Each time I see a table set and reserved for those thirteen individuals my eyes fill with tears, my heart breaks a bit more. And yet we continue to let our leaders - the people that should be speaking for us, but aren't even remotely doing it, talk over the hurt and sadness. 

August 26, a mere 4 days ago.  With credible intelligence that it was going to happen.  Oddly enough the current leader of our country had mentioned that ISIS would be a threat very soon, just days before they were. Yet we couldn't even respectfully ask for flags to be lowered in their honor for a full 24 hours.  How hard is that?  We seem to lower them non-stop anymore, for anyone. There is simply too much that fails to remotely make sense. 

I can't change any of it right now. I can pray for the families affected by this.  I can fuss and fidget over the stupidity that is swirling around me.  I can wonder at the level of disconnection that people are displaying.  We've become so caught up in the everyday world, in the sleep, work, eat, sleep world that we somehow feel is what we are here for that we are missing so much of what is going on around us. 

I have strong feelings regarding so much of what is going on in this crazy world right now, but at the same time, I feel my voice is powerless. 

So again back to chopping wood and carrying water. 

I will continue to stand strong in the things that matter to me, I will continue to push where I can, and walk away from things that do NOT serve me and my family. I will continue to pray, because God is far more powerful than all of this. And I will continue to have hope for mankind.  I don't believe any of what is going on is just an American problem, I firmly believe it is a global problem.  We are being led somewhere that we will one day wake up in shock and wonder how we got there. Or maybe so many have already given up their God given freedoms to the point that they will be happy with where they are headed. 

Just like a frog in a slowly warming pot of water, he will eventually die from it, but because it is so gradual he never notices. 

I know this is disjointed.  I know it is rambling.  I am truly trying to wrap my head around a world and country that I do not recognize. 

Thank you for reading, if you are a prayerful person - the world needs you now more than ever.  

I think I am going back to cleaning... I don't have the heart to stay where my mind is right now....