but why?

Good morning!! I am in the process of rerouting my day.  So let's celebrate the good things!  There is so much negativity and pain going around.  It's starting to wear people down and it's really making me sad.  As I came downstairs this morning ready to start the day after a uneasy night I could hear Hubs in the basement.  He was definitely not in a happy place.  I stopped to see if there was any assistance I could offer, but as it was a purely technological issue, I quickly gave him a kiss, grabbed my coffee and headed back up to spend the morning with the pups.  

Over the course of a few hours and few people Hubs' mood has definitely gotten darker, even though he kept trying to right the ship.  I'm hoping when he gets home he will be his usual easy going self.  I understand his frustrations.  I truly do.  I'm a bit shocked at the folks causing them, not the usual suspects so to speak.  Which is what leads me to rerouting my day. 

What in the world is wrong with folks?  The grousing and the world owes me attitude is exhausting.  Some of the things I hear come out of people's mouths or worse in writing, blows my ever loving mind!!  I can imagine my parents bringing me up short if I had ever thought I was that important and irreplaceable. 

Newsflash... we are all replaceable.  In every aspect of our lives, with the exception of family, and even those dynamics are something that can be walked away from. Families break apart all the time for a multitude of reasons.  Do they still share blood, oh yeah, do they share a life, not always. 

Friendships, relationships, careers, schools, groups, committees, businesses, etc... the list is absolutely endless. We all can be replaced.  Which is why I am not understanding the way people are behaving lately. Or maybe they have always been this way and I had deep red, rose colored glasses on. 

maybe we should try tug o war?

If I get annoyed with how a business treats me, I go somewhere else.  If you are my friend and you start treating me in a way that is ugly and demeaning, well, our friendship is done. Same goes for any type of relationship.

When I am out in public and I listen to how people interact with fellow team members I am shocked.  I can tell you I have never told a boss or supervisor when I would work, who I would work with or what I would do.  Heck, I didn't even know those kinds of things could happen.  But they definitely do with alarming regularity. 

In my humble opinion, none of us is guaranteed anything in this world.  We need to be able to work together, to treat others with the same respect we ourselves want, and we definitely need to be able to communicate.  We need to have empathy for the struggles that others are dealing with, but at the same time be willing to either walk away (if the relationship isn't worth saving) or call someone out (if it is) when those struggles become the entire world they are living in. We all do it, some of just have those amazing people in our lives.  The ones that help us navigate what appears to be impossible.

I keep watching as more and more people become lost in this crazy, ugly space.  Demanding.  It's exactly like the years that I was a teacher in the 2 year old room.  I loved that age, they were busy discovering who they were and would become. I also hated that age, with an absolute passion.  When challenged they became rigid, unmovable, unwilling to try to understand another alternative might work better for them.  And they simply didn't have the words.  And when the words aren't there, the emotions and rage inside at being unable to verbalize their needs became downright torturous external behavior.  We've all heard about the terrible twos and even if you haven't experienced you can understand.  

I am fairly certain that all of us forever retain that rebellious 2 year old deep inside.  I think most of us manage to acknowledge that we have moments when we are unreasonable, we feel unable to verbalize our wants and needs in an appropriate manner, and we feel a little like the storm outside us is too big and it's affecting the inside us. Most of us still retain the ability to recognize that and to handle it like adults. We step away, we reflect, we get hold of our emotions before we speak. 

What I am watching from my quiet place is a world that is rapidly devolving into an out of control 2 year old playroom. Where half the kids got the toy everyone wanted and the adults stepped out to watch through one way glass.  There is yelling, pushing, shoving.  The experiment is escalating out of control, the inner 2 year old is winning. Name calling, tantrums, hair pulling, screaming, tears (lots of tears) and a whole lot of "mine, mine, mine".  And don't forget the ever present "NO!". 

When pushed into these scenarios with the inability to communicate appropriately, the wheels come off the bus. Are things like social media or media in general, causing this decline in the ability to acknowledge a situation without throwing yourself on the ground and having a tantrum?  I have no idea, but I long for a simpler time, a gentler time. 

Life is never going to be "fair".  There will always be have's, have not's and I don't cares.  There will always be those that life just flows for, there will always be strain and stress.  None of us will ever agree with another 100% on anything.  Even if it is a blood family member or the love of your life, your soul mate.  There will still be things that make you scratch your head, step back and go "huh?".  And it's okay. As Hubs always quotes "wouldn't it be a drag if we were all the same".

But throwing verbal tantrums, demeaning others, being disrespectful or rude.  Sorry, I firmly believe there is no place in this world for that kind of nonsense.   And when full grown men and women act like they are toddlers.  That is just exhausting.  When businesses refuse to hear and deal with customers in a helpful manner, even more exhausting. 

Dealing with that kind of negativity isn't helping anyone.  My parents taught me you get more flies with honey.  Now I do believe flies are very attracted to poop too, so that might not be a sound analogy, but the fact remains, if you want me to be on by your side, to be an ally and a supporter, then you'd better be bringing the honey.  It doesn't matter if we think the same, feel the same, have the same hopes, dreams or goals.  I will be beside you, as long as you are kind and willing to meet somewhere close to the middle.  Start threatening, demanding or acting like you are a 2 year old without the skills required to communicate and we are going to be done. 

Standing on the sidelines, observing all of this, it really makes me sad.  I feel for the fact that my sweet Hubs who would do anything for anyone (literally - he doesn't set the strong boundaries that I do) has anyone acting like that... well mind blown. People seriously need to revisit using internal filters before speaking, texting, emailing, etc.  "Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind", I believe that is the filter that Buddhist practitioners use. Maybe it would benefit us all?

I absorbed as much of his energy as I could this morning, hoping by being a safe space he would have a better day.  I knew it wasn't directed at me.  I knew he was feeling the effects of outside forces. I get it.  I wish I could put a blanket of protection around him, I wish a few other things, but I can't so I won't... 

As he left to deal with a world that is rapidly devolving, I decided it was time to refocus.  To change the trajectory of the moment.  I know rain is coming this afternoon, evidently lots of it.  My body is a bit weary from pushing so much the past few weeks, I do have a health issue that causes those kinds of pains to linger unfortunately.  But I still had outside chores to tackle, so... I did.  

Before the rain I got the obedient plants in the ground along the fence line, I am hopeful that the fact that they like to spread out will mean they will head down the steep hill to provide erosion control. And I planted the tall asters along the front of the lower deck.  I adore my neighbor on that side, but I am not fond of the lack of a physical barrier and the exposure while enjoying the time out back.  I am a person that likes privacy. When I invite you in, I cherish that time, the rest of the time, I might be a spoiled two year old that put myself in timeout. 

The lady I bought the plants from assured me that the Asters will grow to about 5 or 6 feet tall and they will also spread.  I am toying with adding more zinnia seeds in between while waiting for that to become the reality.  A little beauty mixed with a little privacy.  Seems like a win/win to me. 

how did it get under there?

Digging in the soil, marveling at the thick earthworms that are moving back into yard, breaking the large clumps of flowers so that they can expand and grow... all of these things slows the pace.  Calms the spirit, connects us to things that matter., grounds us. 

Hubs will be home in a few hours for lunch, hopefully he is able to calm the stressors that were causing his morning to go off the tracks.  For me, I am planning a calm rest of the day.  A chance for my weary, painful muscles to rest.  I will tackle the softer things on my list.  Let things ease up.  

Bring on the rain... I'm ready... 

love and peace, b

weary...

I'm tired.  Simply tired.  Not physically, emotionally.  I'm tired of this phase our world is going through.  A phase where love and grace seem to be foreign words and feelings.  A phase where bullying is okay, were little to no thought is being given to the path others are walking before speaking our words and minds. 

It must be exhausting to live a perfect life.  One that has never been touched by anything painful or negative.  To be blessed with all of the answers and the perfect responses to everything. 

And it seems to be pervasive.  Every bit of life is overly full of negativity and hurtful behaviors. People that are full of would, should's and could's without a thought about the pain it is bringing another. 

I follow a couple of food blogs on Facebook, and I am stunned at the comments that show up daily, sometimes hourly.  These are simply people sharing recipes, trying to help others along a path to greater health.  If you aren't interested or it doesn't work for you, walk away. There is no reason to attack and write hateful comments.  Those are people writing and sharing, doing it out of the goodness of their hearts - but by all means - speak your hurtful truth if it makes you feel better.  So you didn't like it, okay.  I've made recipes that ended up being the opossums dinner, I never felt the need to go on the attack. 

It seems like every Facebook post, Nextdoor post, tweet or, well you get the picture, there is someone ready to jump in and be a keyboard bully.  Is your life so miserable, are you so afraid, are you so unable to reason through what was written that your first reaction needs to be an attack?  We've lost the ability to have a decent human conversation.  I remember a time when if you didn't agree, you could speak your mind respectfully, have a conversation of pros/cons and move on.  Still treating one another kindly and with compassion. 

Sort of like: 

>> I love cauliflower, it is so versatile and nutritious.

>>> I am not a fan, the mouthfeel is disturbing to me, I prefer to avoid it. 

>> hmmm... I can see where you would feel that way, can I offer you something else. 

And then dinner moves on.  Today it will evolve quickly into personal attacks and hatred. And yes I understand that example was a bit simplistic, but that was entirely my point. 

We are becoming a society afraid to speak our truth (no matter what it is) out of fear of what will come out of it. Is the person I am talking to going to lose their minds?  Are they going to be disrespectful?  Will they value my feelings as I am attempting to value theirs? Will my thoughts and feelings be disregarded because I am not walking in lockstep with their thoughts and feelings?

I truly am exhausted.  

I have several people that I love that are climbing personal mountains, ya know the Mount Everest type.  Life is throwing boulders at them, and solutions are few and far between. I don't have answers for any of them.  I have never walked in their shoes or carried the burdens that they are being asked to carry. All I know is that they are doing their damn best to hold it together and carry on.

Heck, I have friends that are battling things that I personally have battled.  I have walked in similar shoes, I have carried those boulders.  But the truth of the matter is that each and everyone of us is on a very personal journey through this crazy thing called life. Just because I have had a similar struggle through an illness that is the same, I have not walked in their shoes.  

I can only offer support, grace, a safe place to unload the baggage that they are carrying and pray with them.  Focus on them when I meditate and do everything I can to elevate their energy to make the journey a bit lighter.

Sure, I might share things that worked for me in a similar situation, if asked - but it will be more along the lines of a question, have you tried this or that? What research have you done?  What have you tried? And I will always offer to send them crystals... because in my world crystals make everything better. 

When I hear of someone being ugly, it breaks my heart. It's even more painful when they acknowledge that they are going to be ugly and you simply need to listen anyhow. 

I'm so very tired of ugly. 

Our entire world is hurting right now, for a myriad of different reasons.  And your truth is no more true than mine or the next person's.  We each have different things we are here to learn, different lessons and growth opportunities. 

I firmly believe that until we have slightly dipped our toe into someone else's pool, we cannot understand even on a surface level the feelings they are dealing with. Yet when we listen with compassion with the intent to understand, magic happens. 

I remember a long time ago, I struggled with speech.  The stress of my life at the time, the burden to try and hold it together caused a lot of problems.  I was incredibly hard to understand, my stupid tongue did not want to work, it felt frozen. I remember having tears burn in my eyes, willing them not to fall, when people couldn't understand me.  When I struggled to even order a cup of coffee.  I remember refusing to be in a situation where I had to speak, shoot I even told sweet Hubs that I wouldn't talk to him on the phone because he wouldn't understand me (FYI I did, he didn't - before we got married).  I remember my sweet 10 year old (at the time) son, losing his temper and telling off the cashier when she scolded me for failing to learn English when I came to this country.  Umm... I am definitely American born - wanna see my birth certificate?

I was tired and we'd been traveling a long time, I simply wanted a cup of fresh coffee to help me through the remaining 4 hours of our drive. Because she couldn't understand me, her assumptions roared to the forefront.  My sweet boy, stood as tall as he could and corrected her rather sharply.  Normally, I would have scolded him for being disrespectful to an adult.  Given that adult was acting like a two year old, I let it ride, I was so proud of him for stepping up like that. For protecting me, but in a greater way for protecting someone unable to "speak up" for themselves.  We went across the street to gas up and get coffee, without incident.  But that moment was burned into my brain. 

Many hours of speaking to myself in a mirror, practicing and failing repeatedly led me to be able to speak properly again.  That was a long year and a half.  I used to stand at home alone in the bathroom with tears in my eyes and heart, fearful that I wouldn't recover.  Determined to prove myself wrong.  I will never forget the first time I could pronounce my own name again.  The joy was and still is indescribable.  I danced around my house repeating my name over and over again.  I had conquered that demon. 

The reason I bring it up, is because during that time I dealt with a lot of hurt and contempt from other humans. I saw first hand how horrible and without compassion many could be.  It helped me to look at the other side of each coin.  I could decide that time in my life was a curse, instead, I choose to celebrate the lessons that not only I learned, but also my sweet son. 

Fast forward twenty years... and here I am learning another lesson.  Another opportunity for grace and compassion.  Walking and standing are still a bit of a struggle for me, oh who am I kidding... they are a huge struggle.  I want to believe that I am superwoman, but the reality is the act of shopping for groceries or going to a large store can be so exhausting for me. How many times have I been frustrated with someone struggling and slowing me down in the past?  I'm ashamed to even think about it. 

I don't like to use the motorized shopping carts, I feel I should leave them for someone that truly needs them.  I will admit when I need one and there are none available for use it is super frustrating and emotionally defeating.  One thing I have noted, and I am sharing with every store manager that will listen, is that maybe if they strategically placed some seats or benches throughout the store it would be an amazing customer service. Just a spot to rest for a moment, to give a person a chance to regain their own strength. How many of those people that used to frustrate me, simply want to be strong and independent?  They don't want to be weak or ill. And definitely do not want to lean on anyone else. I have experienced this first hand now, I get it. 

I am not going to say I have loved these lessons, but I am so grateful to recognize them for what they are and to hopefully take away the things I need to learn from them. 

Grace, compassion, understanding.  These things are becoming far too rare as we move through this phase.  It's so much easier to be harsh, to act like a dictator, a know it all.  To assume that we have all the answers because our lives are going to terrific.  

Are they?  Have you truly learned every lesson?  Is your life, your home, your career, your family going so wonderful that you are the expert in life?  Is your mental state so strong that you never question anything? 

Is it really going to cost you so much to simply be there? I know so many right now that are too busy, too wrapped up in themselves to simply be there for someone in need.  It doesn't matter if it makes you personally uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if you have other plans and want to do fun stuff.  Sometimes you simply participate.  You are there. Who gives a rats...  if it isn't your cup of tea.  Stop living in your selfish world and think about what your action means to another. 

We've all been in that place where we listen to the same story over and over, where we do the same routine for someone because we know it is what they need.  I challenge each of you to look at where you are, who you talk to, what kind of vibe are you giving out.  Is it truly going to hurt anyone to simply be there?  No questions, no judgment, no ugly... just be there. 

None of us are on the same journey, each of us has things that others can never understand.  Each of us has to get to the point that we remember some of the manners we were brought up with.  Not every thought that crosses our minds needs to spill out of our mouths or keyboards.  Each of us could do a bit more of simply being there for others, whether it is comfortable or something we want to do or not. 

I am incredibly grateful for the friends and family that have been in constant contact with me during this current part of my journey, where I was not able to really return those gifts.  The friends that came and sat with me, just because.  That came to my home without any expectations and made my load a bit lighter. The those that cheered on my journey, encouraging me and lifting me up.  My sweet Hubs by my side. There were times that random text or smile made all of the difference in the world to me.

For my friends and family that have boulders falling non-stop right now.  I need you to know that I am here.  I don't have answers.  I won't pretend I do.  I am willing to do whatever I can to help lighten your load. I am even willing to take a few of those boulders for you if I can.  I will listen.  I will brainstorm with you.  I will create and hold space for you. 

For those of you that feel you are perfect... well... perfect on... but please stop hurting those of us that realize we don't have the answers, life didn't come with an instruction book and we are all doing the best we can.  And please for the love of God, remember that in order to receive compassion and grace, you have to give compassion and grace.  Because what you give out into the world will truly come back to you magnified. 

peace and love...