in balance...

Have you ever walked on a balance beam?  When I was a kid I took gymnastics for a bit.  The balance beam was always a struggle.  In fact I've never had great balance.  Even now I rarely chose any activity that requires great balance.  Although I like to blame it on my knee, it most definitely is a life long deficiency. 

That being said, I currently feel like my entire life is being walked on a balance beam.  Doing what is good for Hubs and I health wise.  Focusing on the healing that has long needed to happen.  Trying to balance the needs of my two pups, as I am being reminded rather harshly that they are two distinct pups with two very distinct needs.  Planning for a trip down to Arkansas, trying to navigate the medical appointments, preparing Belle's recover zone and staying in control.  

All of it feels intense. My "job" is home centric, I am a homemaker, domestic goddess - whatever feel good word you want to insert.  I am a wife, it is my role (at least to my heart) to take care of hearth and home.  When the other bits start stacking up.  Whew!  It gets intense. 

My sweet little girl is a pure athlete.  She is focused and tough.  She will push herself for what she wants, with no regard or understanding of the possible outcomes.  She loves walking, hiking, being on patrol - looking for every squirrel or bird that might cross her path.  Hubs is right, she would have been an amazing hunting companion.  Instead, she is a nervous old woman's baby.  She is also Momma's girl.  She follows me, sleeps with me, is always checking in to make sure she is still my baby.  Our Belle loves Dad, but she is in love with Mom as he puts it. 

So her lameness as we await her surgery is breaking my heart.  She doesn't want to submit to the pain, she wants to go about our regular life. It's not going to happen and the look of betrayal when I am forced to tell her no, is gut wrenching. I know it's best for her.  I know she can't handle it, even if she would force herself to do so.  Those beautiful brown eyes pleading... It is definitely not for the faint of heart. 

I still fit, see...

Yup still... get it mom?

My Beau, my big boy, he's so chill.  Laid back and the one that will roll with the flow.  He's the reason we started walking every day.  I want his phenobarbital to stay in the low range that it is, it's not a great medicine for the liver, so the lowest dosage possible is best.  And Mr. Chill can easily gain weight when he slides into lazy lounging. The other thing is big guy has developed a passion for those walks.  The more the better, he craves them. 

Maybe dad will understand our need for treats

Today Hubs and I went and walked without them.  Four miles in the sunshine.  We knew they were going to be upset.  We were right.  Belle has started to accept her current limitations, just giving us the stink eye a few times before settling back onto the sofa.  Beau was another story.  I hadn't wanted to walk him in the heat, not great for a seizure boy, but there was no appeasing him. It was walk, or we were dead to him. 

Slowly and quietly I put my shoes back on.  Dad could stay home with the sunbathing princess.  I needed to appease the beast.  He sat silently judging and glaring to let me know he was not happy, watching me slip my shoes back on, wasting zero energy.  As soon as I grabbed the leash that silly boy became a happy bouncing puppy!  As we quietly snuck out of the house (yes I am a wimp - don't judge), he kept looking up at me smiling and bouncing.  Beau definitely has a big smile when he is happy.  Hubs saw him out the window, or he probably would not have believed me, as he happily bounded down the road.

He and I got most of another mile in.  And I am sure he would have gone further, but it was already pushing 80° and heat is just not great for him.  He slowly walked down the road, head down, the joy of earlier simply gone. Dang, these pups have mastered manipulating mom. 

Drop Mr Beau off and grab Miss Belle for a very short walk.  Finally have a moment to rest. 

This is the rhythm of my days lately.  It will change even more dramatically after Belle's surgery.  But for now we are simply waiting.  Making her as comfortable as possible.  Trying to get her to be calm and to rest (fearful this is a losing battle). The days that where flying past seem to have slowed again.  Dramatically slowed. 

I guess it's like waiting for Christmas as a kid or vacation as a working adult.  Those are clock hands that never move.  I assume, watching my baby suffer is what is slowing time down so much. 

In the midst of it all, Beau still needs his walks, he is healing also.  Although his needs will be life long. 

 I've found myself in a place of stagnation.  I have three quilts in progress, I haven't really done much on them.  I find myself doing my daily chores and then I sort of spin.  Nothing grabs my attention.  I just pace and feel stuck. 

I finished up a project for my son and now I am trying to direct my energy back to the other things.  The quilts, the unfinished sweater, the mending... it all feels a bit much and at the same time stuck. 

I'm back on that balance beam.  

Focused, trying to hold myself steady as I move my feet one in front of the other.  Not allowing the distractions to overwhelm me, pushing the fears and the anxiety to the side.  Praying Hubs' next procedure will finally have him feeling like himself. 

Moving forward. I know this is only a season, as the year wraps up we will look back and celebrate many victories. We will find ourselves camping and hiking again by late summer/early fall.  I know this, I feel it in my very soul.  

But geez, the journey...

Any fellow balance beam walkers?  

Take care, rest and be kind to yourself, 

love, 

b

defining balance...

I completely hate disturbing my big cuddle bug when he is deep in sleep.  But the bird screeching in the back doorway had me terribly concerned I was getting ready to have a feathered friend.  When you try to move a 50 pound puppy you aren't going anywhere fast.  Luckily his sister hurried into the kitchen to see what the ruckus was, so no bird friends today.  Thank goodness.  I love birds - outside.  

I'm off to a slow start today, I'm fairly sure it has a lot to do with the thunderstorms that rolled through this morning.  They woke me early and were so loud that I never fell back asleep.  I'm also fighting with myself.  I want to get busy, I have quite a bit to accomplish today, but I am also aware that my right knee is aching and swelling.  That knee is still the original, so to speak, and both are/were terribly damaged.  I need to rest it, that is what it is telling me. My chores are telling me something very different.  I wonder if there is a happy medium?

.... okay happyish medium?

I've been bouncing between writing, chores and helping Hubs for the past few hours.  I feel very unstable in my routine today.  I normally get up and get to it.  I am used to working my way through my list without hiccups.  I think the hours I have spent canning lately are the reason my knee is scolding me, that and climbing the stairs repeatedly, I still lean into it primarily for activities to keep the other one from aching.  What is it I keep saying about balance? It is evidently a very difficult lesson for this stubborn woman to grasp. 

I finally got all of the treetop garden planted yesterday evening, I wanted it done before the rain.  I am so glad I did, I am fairly positive those delicate young plants wouldn't have stood a chance in the wind and heavy rain we were blessed with. Yet they all survived beautifully in their new pots.  

Hopefully my new raised bed for the backyard arrives today.  I am anxious to get the rest of my plants in dirt, these ones will come from seeds, so the longer it takes to plant the longer it will take to get harvesting.  I had planned to put it at the side of the house.  Now... I'm just not sure.  I am fairly positive it I gather up some of the rocks and soil they removed when they put my post holes in I could put them along my back fence line, where I could see them and make sure they aren't disturbed, instead of on the hill.  I don't know, Hubs and I will look at it more in-depth when it arrives. I am also trying to figure out how I can plant some pumpkins.  Any ideas?  Those don't do extremely well in planters and my raised bed will be 3 ft off the ground.  I would just love to grow pumpkins.  Listen to me.  I still need to get the lilacs in the ground and here I am planning pumpkins?!  I need to stop. 

I finally went through my vast cookbook collection.  Most of it will be available at the yard sale and then my local Savers on Saturday.  It is not coming back into the house.  Although I had a few treasures that I had forgotten I owned.  Including 5 older canning books.  I was very excited to find those.  I have canned off and on for over 30 years (now that was a shocking number to write) and have collected different books on the subject.  But with a multitude of moves (former military spouse remember?) and jobs that required so many hours, I had forgotten that I even owned them. FYI - those stayed.

I also started cleaning out a book collection that is so old I could almost read them all again and be surprised.  I did keep a few that I simply don't recall ever having the time to read.  The rest, oh they will be available too, including a 17 year collection of leadership books that I frankly never want to open again. 

They will be right beside a very professional wardrobe that I no longer want or need.  I plan to be highly unprofessional for the rest of my life.  I will keep a few nice outfits for those unavoidable times that you are expected to look and act like an adult, but those are going to be few and far between.  Jeans, sweats and shorts make up the bulk of my wardrobe now and I love it!  Not going back!

I also cleaned out some of the cupboards of one off's.  Those random craft or kitchen gadgets that we thought we would use, but the truth is, it's simply not going to happen.  The Pampered Chef Mandolin is history, before I harm myself with it - I have determined those things are lethal weapons, at least for me. 

Today is going to be haphazard, I've determined I am alright with that.  In a few I will head down to my girls house, I am going to tackle the catnip and mint, since we had so much rain it will be a super easy job.  I also want to do it nicely so that he yard doesn't look like a crazed person got loose. Hopefully it is cool enough that any little snakes choose to stay somewhere warm.  And then I will get busy on decluttering the house again.  I don't like doing yard sales, but I don't like clutter even more, it's time for it to go somewhere else. 

this one cracked me up, he touched her while 
she was getting loves... she moves fast...

Remember we have to define balance before we can create it... 

love and peace...

oh my heart...

Welcome to the mid-west, woke up to steamed up windows, the humidity outside is horrible. Luckily rain is moving in tomorrow evening, which will definitely improve things for a bit.  Being the mid-west it will only help for the moment.  We are moving into the hot, humid season, or hell on earth in my opinion. Oh joy.

I am going to buy a kiddie pool this weekend for the pups, I think they will love it.  Luckily one side of the backyard has a huge tree that keeps it very cool over there, so the pups will have lots of safe areas to enjoy. 

Hubs had the news on this morning, My heart is hurting.  When are people going to wake up?  When are they going to realize that regardless of your political beliefs the way things are going is hurting far too many people? When do we realize that the "people in charge" don't give a crap about the average person?  

Have you ever worked for a company and made the statement that the CEO doesn't care about the little guy?  Have you ever felt like you didn't exist in the company org chart?  That your whole point in being was to make money for the higher ups?

On a national and global scale, that is where we are.  We are simply pawns in a game they are playing.  I'm not sure what the ultimate goal of the game is, but I don't feel that it is the overall success of humanity. 

There was story after story about the lack of baby formula.  Why? I did some research on it last night, because I was hearing a lot of things that simply don't make sense.  Now even less makes sense.  In fact it all makes as much sense as the toilet paper shortage and that was off the chain stupidity.  To the best of my knowledge no one ended up walking around with a dirty bum. 

I could feel the same hype to fear that was so prevalent with the "pandemic".  I could hear that drum beating.  Why in the world would you allow your most vulnerable population to starve?  Or at least threaten to?  Glancing at Twitter and the Book, you have the folks out there beating the drum also.  Pounding it in a steady rhythm. 

Add into that this chirpy, smiling reporter this morning saying that gas is at an all time high and predicted to get higher every day.  All smiling and cheerful.  The reason?  After the pandemic people are finally getting out and about, they are doing things in droves and it is more than the supply can handle.  Odd that it didn't cover the news that our current administration cancelled all oil leases in Alaska and the Gulf of Mexico last night.  I had heard that from several reputable financial reports at about 430 am this morning.  I assure you that has more to do with it than the increase in people going places, because I don't know about where you live, but venues aren't packed to the brim like they were in 2019 around here.  In all my friend and camping groups folks are saying they are staying home more, the price of gas is outrageous.  Heck even the campgrounds aren't filling up. 

So you have food becoming harder to buy for a plethora of reasons.  You have gas becoming to pricey to drive anymore than you have to.  What is the plan here?  Sending more money to overseas?  We are not the worlds bank.  They have other neighbors with a far more vested interest in their sovereignty, why are we the only fools stepping up and why isn't being voted on by we the people - we are in a crisis of our own and our government seems to keep turning a blind eye to it.  Having stupid trials clogging the airspace to distract you?  Seriously, I couldn't care the least about Johnny and Amber.  Anymore than I cared about Ben and Jennifer or Brad and the other Jennifer, or well any of that stupid Hollywood crap.  Stuff leaking out of the Supreme Court to stir up more anxiety and drama?  

What are we being distracted from? What are they trying to accomplish?  Because frankly, I don't think our beautiful country has many more days left.  I am fearful that we the masses have become uneducated, uninformed controlled asses (sorry for my bluntness).  We are not taking care of our own responsibilities, we are allowing a detached and single focused group to control everything.  

I'm tired of watching this.  I'm tired of lifting everything up to God and expecting to have the change we need.  God is there, but we are expected to lift the weight, we have to actually participate in the solution.  It isn't going to be handed to us on a silver platter. 

Sorry if this feels like a rant.  It is a rant.  I'm tired of the massive fear mongering, I'm tired of the "well there is nothing we can do mentality".  I am tired of everyone waiting around for someone to save them.  

I don't think anyone is going to save us.  We have to do it ourselves. 

There are many recipes out there for solutions to the baby formula crisis.  Goats milk, recipes, etc.  Prior to the inception of mass production formula, people fed their babies.  Not every mother nursed for whatever reason.  Babies weren't dying of starvation.  Some of the comments I read broke my heart into a million pieces.  I understand medically fragile babies.  I truly do.  But for the most part, we have been programmed that if we don't do what the nice pediatricians and three letter groups say our babies will die horrible deaths. 

I didn't nurse my eldest, my mom told me I was too nervous to do it and I believed her.  I was a young mom and didn't have a wealth of knowledge to lean into.  The stuff you don't learn in the education system is vast.  She was on formula until about 3 months old, when the extreme projectile vomiting started I took her off of it and just used good old cows milk.  Surprisingly, much to the dismay of the pediatrician, the vomiting stopped and she thrived. 

My youngest was nursed.  He refused a bottle, wouldn't even remotely consider it. Even when it was filled with breast milk and we tried every available nipple on those bottles. The pediatrician informed me he was simply spoiled and would eat if he got hungry enough.  I was absolutely appalled, I asked her if that was the method she used with her babies.  Her answer... I don't have children and don't want any.  The fact that he is 31 years old and I can remember the conversation as clearly as it just happened should tell you the impact it had.  At seven months old that sweet boy weaned himself and switched over to using a sippy cup, mostly filled with "bubble water" because he loved it so much.  FYI - he also thrived. 

Karo disturbs me... but... 

There are ways to work around almost anything.  Maybe the government isn't going to approve of it, but let's be honest, I can't be the only one feeling like the government does not even remotely have our best interests at heart. 

1942 canning book... 

I am not going to allow myself to linger in these defeatist thoughts for long.  I am going to lean into the knowledge and the ingenuity of my ancestors and those that walked this path the last time it happened.  Is it more work, of course it is.  Is it worth it, you better believe it. I can't play in this playground that is being created for us, it goes against who I am as a human. 

Together we will make it.  The division that keeps getting stirred up, the haves and have nots being created, the "sections" - anyone else starting to feel like they are in a bad version of the hunger games?

Okay, I know that I am not in a clear head-space. I know I could go on for hours pleading with folks to pay attention, to step out into nature, turn off the "tell a vision" and to focus your heart on what is important. So instead of beating my own drum loudly enough to deafen others, I am going to instead focus on that drums rhythm and do the work needed for me and mine. 

love and peace...

personal growth...

It's already been a busy morning, I just need a few minutes of time for myself before I dig into the day.  I'm finally getting a whole cup of hot coffee (the struggle has been real this morning) and the pups are laying at my feet working on the Kong's that Hubs fixed before heading off to work. Me, I'm enjoying the silence of the moment.  No noise, if you don't count the licking and crunching and the sound of the heater running.  It's dreary outside and almost dark inside, except for the light filtering in and the single lamp I have burning.  

Since I don't rush off to a traditional job any longer I find that I usually do not get out of bed until around 6 am, I might be awake, in fact I usually am.  But I often find that early morning hour or two the time that I get engrossed in learning a new skill or reading an article or two about things I find fascinating, after I have spent some time in deep thought and meditation.  It balances me out.  What I am finding though, is that then I am rushing about trying to complete all of the tasks that need to happen before Hubs leaves or starts his day. 

I'm not sure that I want to give up that quiet time, it's a leisurely way to start the day off.  Hubs usually brings me coffee around 6 and that signals that it's time to start the day off at a brisk pace.  I am finding that hour or two to be a bit stressful, which is why I am not sure my current plan is working. On the flip side, the time after that rushed period is priceless and calm.  Maybe I am just pushing against the way I used to do things and that is causing the anxiety?  I don't know, my old life was all about rushing and hurrying.  It was very hard on me mentally and emotionally, and I will not even talk about the damage it caused physically.  You really don't think about those things when you are deep in the moment.  You simply survive. 

I don't live in survival mode any longer.  I am so blessed and thankful for that.  It might be the reason why whenever I am confronted with even a tinge of it, almost like a boomerang feeling that instills that fight or flight emotion?  

This morning I forgot to turn the flame off under my cast iron skillet after making breakfast.  That one is going to need cleaned and seasoned again.  I almost crumbled when it happened, Hubs kept telling me over and over that it wasn't a catastrophe, but for that moment, it felt like it. 

I'm calmer now.  The pan is okay.  Hubs has been fed, Pups have been fed and walked.  But for a moment it felt out of control, I guess I sometimes have PTSD from the life I lived before. 

In a bit I am going to head to the kitchen and work on some canning, it didn't happen yesterday.  Time got away from me while I was gathering recipes and planning my course of attack on the pile of fresh veggies that need my attention. Before I knew it is was almost time for the youngest grands to join us for Easter dinner.  It was late, the dragon was with her dad and needed retrieved. It didn't matter, it was wonderful to have everyone gathered together.  If we had planned a bit better I might have gotten all of the grands together, but alas I am not incredibly awesome at planning. 

Today is going to be a serious homemaker day, the dreariness outside is definitely compelling me to stay inside.  It looks like I have enough tomatoes to make the tomato paste and a small batch of tomato sauce. Of course I still have 5 pounds of jalapeno's to prepare and get into their cans.  The two months of waiting will feel like an eternity, but the freshness of homemade is worth it. I think I am going to run up to the fruit stand and get more pickling cucumbers before I start the pickles, it feels a bit like a waste to prepare the brine for so few, but we'll see where I am later in the day. By tonight the onions will be in the dehydrator, the red buds will be strained for jelly making day and I will be working on tackling my plan for the chicken.

I have to clean the fridge that Hubs managed to get free yesterday, I knew if we were patient the right one would come along.  I finally have my cheese cave!  After I clean it good today and we move it downstairs, I can start planning my cheese making journey. I have been stalling until I felt better prepared, and who knows I might be a bit apprehensive about trying something new, the excuses for stalling are running out.  

In between all of that there is laundry to wash, a bull to finish (decided that has to happen while puppies nap, as they are far too interested in the yarn), I might even find time for a long walk with the babies if it warms up and doesn't rain.  

We are under a frost warning for the next almost 24 hours.  I would really like it if Mother nature would tell winter it is time to move along.  I am over it. Had to bring my herbs inside again as opposed to putting them in their bigger pots, so frustrating.  I ran across a picture of me and my grand daughter the other day, we were wearing capri leggings and tank tops because it was so warm.  That is not the story this year, for sure.

From this weekend, but I LOVE this pic of him

I saw a quote that often pops up this morning, "the older I get the more comfortable I am not fitting in with society".  It's been around for years in different forms and verbiage, but truthfully, the older I get the more it resonates with me.  I love marching to my own drummer, the band playing in my head doesn't fit modern society for the most part.  For the longest time, I felt weird and out of touch with reality.  Now I understand that my reality is perfect for me. I'm a bit old fashioned.  I'm definitely odd in my hobbies and the things that fill me with joy.  Truth is... I no longer care what others think or feel about my life choices.  It's so liberating.  I don't begrudge other's the things that bring them joy and happiness, even when it isn't something that fills my soul.  We're all here to live our own journey and experience what we chose.  

nap time

The babies have worn themselves out and are crashed on the sofa, I guess it's time for me to get busy doing me things... I hope all of you have a blessed day and that your journey is bringing you immense fulfillment. 

love and peace...  

the bright side...

It was definitely a Monday, yesterday.  My dear friend pointed that out, and I have to say, he was right!  I forget the days of the week often, a Monday doesn't hold the power of stressing me out like it used to, so I guess I needed a reminder. Here it is a beautiful Tuesday that promises to get even better, so... maybe it's all about balance. 

I won't know for 7 - 10 days if my endless phone calls to the insurance company are finally over, but my fingers are crossed.  The hour spent on hold with the county assessors office ended up being time well spent, even though I was told I'd be lucky to get my receipt by Thursday, it showed up about 10 minutes after I got off the phone.  Since I knew the error was on their part, as they had already gotten their money, it definitely felt like a win.  Took Hubs truck in to get an oil change that ended up an 80,000 mile tune-up and found a few other challenges at the same time - told 4 days or longer to get everything done and got a call saying it should be done today. Got my car street legal as Hubs says and even got to have a nice lunch and snowy walk with the Hubs. We even ended the day on a positive note, fixing a delicious dinner together served with glasses of wine and the pups putting themselves to bed early.  Even though the day started off super rough, I will claim it for the win column!

I still woke up in the middle of the night, seriously not sure what that craziness is about, but since I was finally able to fall back asleep I feel well rested and ready to tackle the day. The babies are taking an early nap, according to Dad they woke him up around 330 am (oops, I slept through it) and were absolute terrors in the man cave.  Took him quite a bit of time to clean up the disasters.  So I figured I would enjoy the quiet, okay semi quiet, sweet Hubs is in a big band mood today and the sounds are drifting up the stairs.  I have to admit I enjoy it, I can almost envision flappers dancing around to it. 

I have quite a bit I want to accomplish today, as yesterday ended up filled with today's chores by a happy twist of fate. After I am done typing this morning I am going to whip up some rosemary Parmesan crackers.  We love them so much and they are the perfect addition to a warm soup on a cold winters day.  

I'm going to put my creativity to use for my sweet great nephew, my sister had a great idea of creating a hat to hold his oxygen tubes so that he doesn't have to have them taped to his face.  I am so intrigued and cannot wait to see what we can come up with, because searching has proven the only thing out there is the tape for his sweet little cheeks.  There are a couple of reasons to come up with an alternative, the first is that medical adhesive makes the skin hurt!  The second is those things are ghastly expensive. 

My youngest niece also asked if I can recreate a grown up version of her favorite skirt, I feel that I definitely can, so that is on the agenda for this week also.  I enjoy doing work for others.  Even if I am 100% sure I do not want to do quilting for others. 

Our great nephew got his scarf yesterday, I forgot to ask his Mom if I could share her picture of him wearing it, but I will tell you his happiness in the video filled my heart to the brim!  It's amazing when things are cherished that you have made.  He has it on for school today and frankly it looks quite stunning on him, if I do say so myself. 

I can finally share a picture of the baby lion I made from Legends' receiving blanket as I know they have at least seen it by now, not sure if they have it.  Only thing I would have done differently was have a "dog tag" made for it before I sent it, but I was in such a hurry to get it to them, that I completely spaced it off. 

At some point today I want to get a few soaps whipped up, I was quite embarrassed when I asked Hubs to remind me to go to the battery store for batteries for my favorite scale only to discover it simply took a standard AAA battery.  I swear I thought it took those little round disks.  Guess that is the other one.  So in his usual "Jim Dandy to the Rescue" mode, he hooked me up in minutes from his personal stash of batteries.  Yes, I am still blushing a bit at the fact that I failed to look into what was needed before asking.  Geez!

I bought a cute kit to make heart shaped soaps for the the youngest grands, luckily it is melt and pour and won't need 6 weeks to cure, because I definitely have not been the most organized person on the planet lately. I also have about 4 others that are quicker to make that will probably happen today.  

Add to that I want to whip up a batch of puppy paw balm, I don't want their little paws to be sore, and why buy it when I literally have everything to make it and not add chemicals into it. Yes they are spoiled... and?  What of it?  The amount of love those little demons give is immeasurable, they deserve the extra spoiling.  Not to mention that will take all of a couple of minutes time.  Once cooled they will feel great. 

I guess I did need that rough patch to balance out my life.  I needed a moment to remind me of all I have to be extremely grateful for even though it sometimes feels like the rough spot is much bigger than it actually is. Yesterday I was over the moon angry at the world, it felt like a completely uphill journey and I was flat out angry.  

Today, I feel filled with gratitude and joy, today I realize it was actually a mole hill that I imagined into the magnitude of Mount Everest. 

Well, before my babies wake up, I am going to finish up, some things are easier to do while they are resting.  Lesson learned from yesterday, always look for the bright side, even in the greatest mire of funk, because it is there and things always happen for a reason. 

love and peace...

touching down...

We finally stopped late last night.  It would have been a much earlier night, but Hubs accidentally put the wrong city in the GPS and after two hours of wild back roads and craziness with our new toy we arrived at our destination several hours later than planned. But we arrived. 

Climbing into bed last night was incredible our insanity had led us to being on the road almost non-stop for two days.  Hindsight being 20/20 we should have probably hit a local shop bought toothbrushes and toothpaste, called the kids and rescheduled dinner and stayed the night.  We simply didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to see them. 

Kind of like driving to Arkansas for a bit of time over two days with the California kids, I mean, you just do it. I would have loved to have gone back for a bit more time with them these past couple of days, but their schedule was simply too fluid and we didn't want to intrude. This was Dad's visit, not ours, so needless to say, we didn't want to intrude. 

These past eleven days have been the longest, the slowest and yet the fastest I have ever encountered in my life. I couldn't write about it for a bit, I had to process it.  I had to be okay with everything. To find the blessings in the missteps and realize that everything happens for a reason.  

The day before we left for our vacation we sold the Harley.  It was a very difficult decision, but Hubs' hip replacements didn't get agree with even a couple hours on the road and my knees made riding miserable for me.  I never did tell him, but the pain was pretty horrid when we would ride, I just kept hoping for the best and kept quiet.  I knew how much he loved to ride. We still had the convertible for wind therapy so... it was all good. 

The first day of our vacation started with the loss of my beetle.  I know, it's just a car, but if you know me well, you know it was very special to me. Hubs and the middle (formerly oldest) grand were out driving while we awaited the Cali kids arrival.  It was hot and humid, time seemed to be standing still as it always does when you are waiting for something amazing. 

The drive to Arkansas had been glorious, it was the first time Hubs had made the journey in the convertible with the top down, the threatened rain never happened and the temperature was perfect!

When I got the call a few hours after we arrived, my heart might have stopped for a moment.  "I've had an accident, we're okay, but you need to come and get us".  My husband and grand daughter in an accident.  My car.  It would be days before it all played out, my beautiful blue bug will eventually be sold for someone to salvage - the damage is mostly cosmetic - unfortunately when you hit a fence at 50 mph and you fly over a culvert a lot of things deploy that make it a poor financial decision to keep it. 

Accidents happen.  And I guess I wasn't meant to have it forever, even if that was my original plan.  I've cried a million tears, I've run the gamut from fear, relief, extreme anger and hurt back to acceptance.  Only positive lessons learned, is my sweet Hubs can be a knucklehead - but only with the absolute purest heart, my grand daughter is a loving human that had the crap scared out of her.  The safety features of my beloved bug, protected my precious family to the extent of only a few scratches and some aches for a couple of days.  And finally, if you are in the market for new car - I highly recommend that final edition collectors version.  Who knew a car could appreciate. 

The Cali kids arrived a few short hours later, which probably immensely helped my ability to process and deal.  Disaster immediately followed by pure joy, is like that spoonful of sugar helping the medicine go down. 

We had two glorious days with the Cali kids, we laughed, we boated, we hugged, we shared joy, we talked about a million things, we shared smiles and more laughter.  It was good for the soul.  I miss my Cali kid so much! I feel whole when I have both my babies with me. 

Somehow in the midst of it all, we arranged our journey home.  Do you know there is a rental car shortage?  Oh there definitely is!  I called every single rental agency in the greater Little Rock area - not a single car was available for over two weeks.  Oh yeah, and a bus trip would be 17 hours and 45 minutes - you think I will ever complain about the 5.5 hours it takes to drive there again? Nope. 

We checked trains to no avail and finally decided we could fly.  Hubs came up with that great idea!  Thank goodness.  As Hubs was searching for flights, I was praying for a non-stop, I don't mind flying - I hate layovers!! He found a lot of great rates (far less than a rental car would run) somehow my numb brain remembered I actually have frequent flyer miles, left over from those precious "pre-pandemic" days when I could fly to Cali to see the kiddo's.  

I am pretty sure that was the moment that cleared the fog, the moment that said stop feeling bad and look at the silver lining waiting for you.  We were able to get a flight home on the day we needed to leave, non-stop and for the outrageous price of $11.20 for the both of us. I almost fainted!  I assure you I kept checking to make sure it wasn't a joke or scam.  Nope, for reals!

With the help of my family we took care of the details of my car, rides to and from the airport, Mom came to the rescue when the tow company would only accept cash, my nephew runs the salvage yard that received it and did everything he could to try and save it. My Hubs and daughter offered to help me fix her.  The blessings abounded. 

And if I had stayed in that fussy, okay bitchy, mood I would have missed it all. 

I was looking forward to the Cali kids coming up here to the Lou, but plans changed.  At first my heart stung, I was rushing around trying to get everything ready.  Looking forward to spoiling them a bit, making his schnitzel and just enjoying some one on one time.  But Dad and his side of the family hadn't seen them in a long while and wanted to hold on to their precious time and the kids needed it too. 

I spent a few moments pouting, my heart hurting.  Simply because I have missed them so. After a call from my girl, I started to heal, I understood. Looking at my to do list, I realized that their decision had given me the blessing of time. I hadn't been sure how I was going to get everything done before leaving to Kentucky to meet up with Hubs' Big Sis.  They had given us the gift of time.  We'd only be in town for two days and had so much to get done before leaving again. 

I received the call that my car was a total loss on the drive to Paducah.  That was a blow to the solar plexus.  I was expecting it, I knew it the moment I saw her for the first time after the accident, but to hear it.  Wow.  It took me about 6 hours to accept their offer.  

More blessings.  Never had a car appreciate before. Needless to say, the pay off allows us to be free of a vehicle payment when Hubs retires.  Mine and his.  I've opted to not get a car, I seriously do not go roaming about during the week and if I am desperate, my girl lives a 10 minute walk away and has two vehicles - she can't drive both at a time, all is good. Besides, in a few short days I won't be able to drive for at least a month.

We had an amazing time in Paducah, who knew such a small town could keep us so busy.  Big Sis hadn't ever been there and she is just as addicted to quilting as we are.  We'd missed her and couldn't wait to see her.  And finally deliver Lucille to her.  We'd planned on doing some sewing while there so we'd taken Sophia and Marty (Hubs' featherweight) with us, needless to say, it didn't happen. There was simply too much to do!  

Hubs and I arrived early, so we explored some to the quirky shops that speak to my heart.  I was able to get a reading with one of my favorites at Wildhair Studio's Rock Shop (if you are ever there... stop in, Susan and her team are incredible and the energy is healing!) My reading was enlightening and healing.  I needed it more than I realized. Christina is awesome if you go!

We found several artisan's shops that filled my heart to the brim.  And sat for a bit in the cigar bar sipping bourbon.  A first for me, but why not. I needed time to show Hubs my new treasures from the Rock Shop, a breathtaking sphere of labradorite (for courage and strength) and of course a new deck of cards. We were simply killing time waiting for Big Sis to arrive, and enjoying our precious time together.  Her journey was a bit longer.

It was so wonderful to have that time together with her.  I love watching Hubs blossom when he is around her, they have spent far too much time apart. And the three of us together leads to a lot of laughter, deep conversation, shenanigans and joy. We spent time swimming (pool was far too cold), talking, laughing, shopping, playing pranks, sipping moonshine (oh yes I found one I LOVE - no I didn't bring any home - another reason to go back!!), wandering the quilt museum, finding yummy places to dine and playing cards.

I hated to see the visit end.  I think that the kids changing their plans was a gift to our visit with Big Sis, it was unrushed and able to be embraced and enjoyed without guilt. It was our treasure!

Side note: HOLY MOSES if you are a quilter, or I guess just a sewing enthusiast in general, Hancock's of Paducah is an experience to not miss.  I believe we were in there for several hours. 

On Monday we finally found the camper of our dreams (unlike anything either of us had thought we wanted) and yesterday we finally brought it to St. Louis.  We were blessed again.  It's a 2019 and has only been used 3 times.  The dealer that serviced it was stunned at how new everything was.  Heck the plastic protection is still on all of the appliances. We are simply changing our recreation - we both love to camp!

Today... Hubs is back at work and I am faced with a house that has been used as a landing pad between journeys, stacks of laundry and tons of stuff to do.  I still need to deal with the few remaining bits for my car, I need to figure out the DOR and letting them know as it was due to have it's license renewed.  I have to get everything lined up and ready for when I have my surgery on the 3rd.  

In other words the world has returned. 

I was talking to one of my sisters during the chaos and she said something so profound to me.  She was definitely part of my mental shift.  I was in the midst of a pity party, my heart was still uneasy, I was feeling sorry for myself.  And she gently scolded me, she challenged me to look at things from a different lens.  I was listing the things that had appeared to be low spots in my life this year.  I was not loving 2021 by a long shot.  The covid/pneumonia and my hospital stay, the month of recovery, the stress of my former career, leaving my job, now the loss of my car and my impending knee replacement.  Yep, I was definitely having a HUGE pity party.  Yet as she switched it up for me it ended up looking like this...

* Hospital/Illness - I survived, I got to deeply rest (I was so exhausted at the time - probably why I got sick in the first place).  I was able to reset expectations of myself, to see myself as something more than a cog in the machine.

* Job - I'm happier than I have ever been.  I have had time to enjoy the things I love, spend time with my grands and family, go on trips that might not have happened, start exploring my future with clear eyes, head and heart.  I have time to take care of myself and my health, Hubs' too. 

* Car - everyone survived without injury, it paid off both vehicles and allowed us to finally make the decision to buy a camper (something we've been day dreaming about), it sets us in a great financial spot for when Hubs retires. 

* Knee - no more pain, the ability to enjoy doing the things I love again. I am able to heal and do my therapies without interruption so that I can heal completely.

If you are using the right lens in life the best things come to you. I was looking at the dirty outside, I wasn't counting the shining blessings inside that are now so obvious.  

I couldn't be more thankful.

It's been an insane 11 days.  We've packed so much into the moments.  The great, the not so great, the eye opening, the heart healing... so very, very much has happened in such a short window of time.  

I'll be honest, I am still processing.  I am still exploring every great thing this journey has brought to us.  And it's brought more than I can comprehend. 

Celebrate your life, enjoy the journey, instead of misfortunes look for what the hiccups prevented you from experiencing. And remember that each closed door was put there to invite you to look for something better that is waiting for you!