what if...

The other day I was listening to a random podcast they were talking about chasing dreams.  Then a random reel showed up... asking what you would do if you knew you couldn't fail. For a few days now that has been busy in my brain. 

What if?  I'm sure you've asked yourself that very question.  Maybe in terms of a dream, an idea, a hope.  Questioning some unseen outcome.  I am firmly starting to believe that anymore we are programmed from a very young age to accept that dreams are simply something to linger and cause discontent, not an actionable path and journey.  

It feels like we are pre-programmed to accept that those very dreams aren't a road map, a goal, something to strive for.  Because if we don't want to follow them, then we stay stagnant. Pliable, controllable. We are not someone to worry about if we are moving in lock step, if we are doing things in the accepted manner.  If we aren't pushing boundaries and chasing different rainbows then our choices don't make waves for others to navigate in the systems that surround us. 

I've never fit inside the boundaries.  I can't color inside the lines.  Sometimes I really want to, I want to be just another brick in the wall as Pink Floyd used to sing.  I want to be normal, sort of, well not really. 

I'm 61.  This morning long before the sun has considered rising I was outside in my garden.  Sipping coffee, staring at the stars above and finding pure contentment in my often chaotic world. I watched my pups rush down the stairs to let some invisible intruder know that this was not their morning to be in our yard.  I let my mind wander for a few minutes.  Holding a coffee that was far too hot to be trying to drink, taking baby sips and pretending that I had let it chill for a moment or two in my impatience. 

I'm 61.  The other day Hubs made a comment while we were walking, that he had more years behind him, than ahead of him.  It hit, hard.  Not just for him, but for me also.  It made me pause.  It started the conversation that has been rattling in my mind.  Dashing off into an entirely different directions all at the same time. 

For most of my 61 years, I have spent the majority of my life in a serious people pleasing mode.  I'm gonna say that is probably the operating system I received as I entered this life.  Don't make waves, don't be different.  Don't listen to that drummer in your spirit that is playing a different beat from the people surrounding you. Shut it off, ignore it.  Fit in.

The problem as I see it, is that I don't fit in.  And frankly, I don't want to. 

The Dixie Chicks had a song when they were trying to mount their comeback. "Not Ready to Make Nice".  Different lines have been playing in my head, mixing and dancing with my own thoughts lately.  The circumstances of their song are different than how my brain is processing it. But I truly am not ready to make nice anymore, I'm not ready to back down.  I want to be who I am.  

I want to chase dreams and be comfortable being an extremely social introvert that is always willing to discuss quilting, knitting, crochet, soap making, herb and garden growing, and of course any form of natural/healthy living.  Count me in! 

I briefly mentioned the quilt I have been commissioned to make.  I am going to start it this morning once the coffee kicks in. It will be queen sized, it will be made from a veteran's uniforms and a panel that represents his service to our country.  I am so excited for this project.  I love that I have a basic direction and then the rest of it is up to me.  I made a choice to charge a lesser fee than most other's would charge.  Not because I was trying to undercut them, I definitely wasn't.  But because to me, it's about the person.  It isn't just a job.  You can't always define things by an hourly wage, when I did that math, heck it made me sick! I don't truly understand when life became about how much you could get for it.  I am doing it because I love doing it, because it is for a veteran and it is all about cherished memories.  I will definitely take you along on the journey.  

Yesterday we decided to participate in the city wide yard sale.  I wasn't excited, I am not really a yard sale person, I am more of a take it to the thrift store and move on kind of person. Yesterday might have changed my thoughts a bit.  First off it was crazy busy, so I didn't have much down time, but I did find a bit of time to work on my latest cardigan.  I also lowered the prices on most of my craft show items, frankly, they needed to go.  With Beau's medications and the crazy high prices that are being charged for booths, it simply wasn't feasible to continue on that path. 

So many people scolded me for how low things were priced, pointing out that I probably had more in materials than I was selling them for.  And in some cases, they were right.  In other's... not so much.  But the truth of the matter is that they have been sitting in tubs, lingering.  It was time for them to go to new homes. As a result of the conversations I had, I have 2 women that I am going to teach to crochet and or knit, I have two more that want to learn to sew the little bags I made.  And one lady ordered two more baby quilts.  

Truthfully, my spirit is soaring!  I love passing skills on to other people.  I've had to struggle a bit to acquire some of my skills, people weren't sharing when I was learning.  I am seriously self-taught on many things and before YouTube the library and out of print books were my best friends. 

If I couldn't fail, if I wasn't risking falling flat on my face... where would my dreams take me?  If I was brave enough to risk displeasing some, failing in front of others... oh my...

Oh let's see...I'd have a small hobby farm, not huge, but big enough.  It would be a gathering spot, for people wanting to learn all those silly granny crafts.  The things that are being forgotten.  I'd gather lots of skilled friends willing to share their knowledge.  Some for free, some for a fee, none of it so much that it would cause a financial hurt to someone.  Knowledge should be shared.  Openly, willingly.  A place where we all could grow and expand. 

A kitchen to learn meal prep and canning. Somehow we have several generations now that cannot do that easily. A garden to grow and learn in.  Oh my if dreams didn't cost so much, what a dream to have. Oh and it would need a pond, good sized, somewhere for Hubs to teach kiddo's how to tie their lure's on and fish for hours.  Let them experience the peace and self-satisfaction of bringing home a few fish for dinner.  

Can you picture it, a small cabin like building, big enough for like 20 people at a time.  With gardens and maybe even a few farm critters, chickens, maybe a goat or ... well that is out of my range of knowledge so lets stop at chickens. 

Open it to all ages, as long as the skill was skill level appropriate. Groups, individuals, scouts, home school kiddo's. The list is endless.

I've taught 2 and 3 year old's to cook, garden and do simple crafting.  So nothing is truly off the table.  A chance to gather those pesky tweens and teens to create something, to plant or care for something.  For the most part our schools do not teach true life skills, they teach us skills that will benefit businesses, not individuals. My opinion. 

I will forever remember almost twenty years ago and being assigned a group of tweens/teens that had never touched tools to build the benches for the Kaboom park we were building.  It was probably one of the most rewarding experiences in my life.  These kids worked through the challenges, came together as teams, learned to back out stripped screws and try again (so many times) and at the end of the day, I handed them a sharpie and let them all sign the underside of the benches.  I tasked those kids in a city filled with graffiti and destruction to protect their work.  I haven't been by there lately, but I know that 5 years ago those benches were still standing strong and serving the community.  The pride in their work protected them.  

So many adults are longing to learn those skills, social media is filled with it.  

Can you smell muffins baking in the oven while you are teaching someone to make a quilt, to alter or change worn out clothing into something else.  To stretch their dollars by learning life skills? Or working in a woodshop, building their own flower beds, cutting boards, oh my that list is endless too!

I feel we would be a whole lot better off as a society if we could simply bring some of those skills back. If the world stopped being disposable.  If it returned to being precious and treasured.

Whenever anyone asks me a recommendation on a sewing machine, I immediately say a vintage machine, whatever you can afford, but I will quickly tell you my personal favorites if pressed.  I do the bulk of my sewing on machines that are 76 years old.  They are easy to maintain, they make the most beautiful stitches and they bring me complete joy. They aren't fussy, they don't need special anything, just a bit of oil and some TLC and they are ready for their next 100 years. 

So what if?  

I feel like I am mentally standing on a personal precipice.  I just don't know what it is, and I am equally unsure of how I fit in this world.  Pretty sure I don't fit at all.  And that is just okay. I've spent 9 months of this year changing physically, that journey continues, but I have other changes I am wanting.  Dreams I want to chase, might just be about time.

Well, I need to finish morning "chores" - butter needs made, the tallow is already in the crockpot.  And I probably need to finish tidying up the garage from the yard sale and bring the albums up from the basement, we found someone that will cherish them as much as Hubs does - yet has the ability to play them.  

Then my focus has to turn 100% to the quilt.

Have a mentioned how much I love my life?  In during the chaos we are currently dealing with, there is a current of peacefulness to lean into.  There is calm.  It's amazing!

Start dreaming, then start doing, let's start our own revolution of dreamers!

much love, 

b

Happy New Year!

Anyone else feeling like they blinked and 2022 was simply gone?  It sure felt like it flew past, we'd barely celebrated New Years Day 2022 and blink... It's already past New Years Day 2023.  We spent the evening outside around our fire laughing and talking, until we decided that 9 pm was definitely late enough for us. 

Last night we gathered with the girl and family and friends to simply enjoy one another, talk and laugh. 

This has been a strange, wonderful, emotional, happy, melancholy, busy, engaging and relaxing holiday week.  After the way Christmas eve started, I wasn't holding out much hope.  Yet, even though Hubs was a busy guy for Christmas eve, Christmas day and the day after, it slid back into a sense of normal.  We've spent time with lots of family, either in person or virtually.  

We loved on our puppies, who had a great Christmas holiday and are currently wrestling on the ground over the Christmas Carrots the girl gave them.  They are toys that surprisingly they both love.  We enjoyed watching them open their presents and laughed at them figuring out if they brought Mom the empty Kong's they suddenly got filled again. 

Somehow those sweet babies went from tiny little bundles of joy, to full grown snuggle bugs. In just a years time. 

 Today is the 8th day of Christmas, only 4 days left and then I will take down the tree.  Today, we will celebrate again with family.  It was supposed to be Christmas with the girl and her kiddo's, but in true family fashion, we decided to celebrate yesterday, today will be the extended version and we will all gather for a final Christmas dinner.  Both of our eldest girls, some friends and a final meal with the eldest grandson before he heads back south.  

Life has definitely had a unique flavor lately. 

I have to say this has been one of the greatest Christmases ever.  It was far more about gathering with family and friends than it was about how much everyone could manage to spend on things that none of us needed. 

The gifts have been full of practicality.  Things that have been wanted or needed.  Useful, with whimsy thrown in for good measure.  All of us exchanged things that were practical.  Nothing was shoved into a closet for lack of a place or need for it.  I almost refused to go anywhere on Christmas day, I was so snuggly in my new weighted blanket.  I have thought about getting one for literally years, had a million reasons not to. Fears that I would not like it, would be too warm, that it would be uncomfortable.  Thankfully, Hubs remembered that I have wanted one forever and didn't listen to my fears list. I am in love!

My youngest grandson absolutely wowed me with his gift.  The first he's ever personally bought me.  And that incredible young man bought me mason jars! How incredible and thoughtful is that?  He got his grandpa fishing lures complete with a promise to go fishing this year.  We gifted him his annual lasagna, he loves it and looks forward to a whole pan that belongs just to him. 

Before I go and make the the pies for dinner tonight, I wanted to take a moment.  I've been reading a bunch of things that people are sharing.  So many are filled with sadness and loss, reflecting on a very hard year for them and a struggle to look forward to 2023.  

Reflecting back, I can't say I share their feelings. Was it an easy year, absolutely not.  There have been so many struggles for so many, since 2020.  But it was a blessed year.  It was a year of wonder and grace.  I didn't love the cost increases, I wasn't a fan of the non-inflation (get real folks - we did learn basic math when we were in school), and my heart has hurt at some of things I have watched being pushed and happening. 

And then... Because the "and then" is the magical part.  Of course the world vision being forced on us has been hard, painful and uncomfortable.  Pretty sure that is the plan.  It's the other things that have been wonderful.  The growth, the learning, the bonding tighter with family and friends.  The worse the outside world feels, the better the inside world gets.  

I've eliminated a lot of unnecessary external things.  I focus on my Hubs, our kids and grands, our pups, our family and friends and God's hand and blessings in all of it.  We made unexpected trips for wonderful reasons.  Hubs made a quick trip down to Alabama to see his sister and surprise our great-nephew for his birthday.  Both of us and our pups decided to make a quick single day trip to Arkansas to celebrate the one year birthday of the littlest great nephew, that birthday was prayed so hard for.  

As we are eliminating the unnecessary, we are able to celebrate the important with greater joy and presence. I'm looking forward to 2023.  Do I believe it will be more of the same externally?  Absolutely!  In fact I think as long as we allow it to, this is a journey that will continue.  But as I bowed my head to thank God for all of the blessings of this past year, I felt a calmness, a drawing closer to what is truly important.  Hint... It can't be found in the world we occupy. 

I am looking forward to changes that I have been making for almost two years, growing by leaps and bounds.  I am embracing the unknown and taking back control. I am feeling far more confident, I can feel the power that comes from spending more and more time in God's word and understanding that we have had the power to change our lives all along. 

I'm taking a bit of time as this year starts to wrap up projects left over from 2022, to plan out my hopes and dreams for the coming year and to just relax.  I have big plans for this coming year.  So much is in progress. 

As I pray for the things being left behind in 2022, I choose to look forward to 2023 with hope, love, optimism, faith and joy.  Words have power, even the ones we speak to ourselves.  So I am choosing to speak the life I want into existence.  Here is to a powerful year!  Anyone else stepping into the power with me?

busy kind of day...

I don't know how I keep doing it, but boy do the weekends fly past.  I mean I don't go to work on Monday, shouldn't they feel like any other day? Yet here it is 4 pm on Sunday and I have no idea where the weekend has flown off to. I still need to finish tidying the kitchen - I cleaned out my soaping closet, so I still have a few things that need to get tossed.  

I was going to make a couple of batches of soap this weekend, but somehow... poof... not only did it not get done, but I also don't intend to do it, not today.  I'm tired. There is always tomorrow.  Now that my soaping supplies are organized, I can honestly say that I am excited to get some made. I know where everything is, what I have for supplies (what I have way too much of), it feels so great to be organized finally.  

I keep organizing and getting rid of stuff and it feels like I am not getting ahead.  For each room I finish, it feels like the others are breeding or something.  I know it isn't the case, but it certainly feels never ending.  I guess it is probably more linked to the fact that as you get an area completely the way you want it, you decide there is more clutter (getting rid of stuff is slightly intoxicating) and it's time to dig in deeper. 

It also helps me feel in control around the puppy chaos, because there is a lot of puppy chaos! And yes I am guilty as sin, I am not even going to try and pawn it off on Hubs, he helps, but I am fairly certain it is mostly me spoiling these little fur balls. 

Anyone else spending their weekend creating order out of chaos?  Digging out of snow?  Or have you mastered the art of enjoying the weekend?  

I'm not saying we haven't enjoyed our weekend.  We have found time each day to go for beautiful walks in the snow with our babies.  Beau is addicted.  Belle loves the walks now that it is warmer, she is always bouncing along looking for new scents to enjoy. 

The weight of the snow took out my gazebo on Friday. Hubs and I did not enjoy cleaning that mess up, but the pups are in heaven.  Their own private snow mountains.  Not so sure I will replace the gazebo, I loved the shade, but the deck sure feels bigger now that there is nothing blocking the view. We'll see.  I definitely have time to think about it and can always put an umbrella up again if I want shade. 

Right now I am envisioning the way I can make the treetop garden more inviting and what plants I want to plant.  I will be home enough to take care of a vegetable garden again this year and there are a few interesting plants that I am exploring. Hubs and I really like okra and I have found some interesting varieties that I might try growing.  I've never had pink or purple okra before.  I also want to plant vegetables that will be yummy with the cheeses I will be making. I am definitely considering french radishes, cucumbers, and maybe even some carrots to go with the tomatoes and peppers.  Those are non-negotiable and I am definitely planting more cayenne peppers - one can never have too many red pepper flakes. 

Well... as much as I want to sit here daydreaming and watching the deer frolic in the snow, I need to get with it.  A friend is coming over with his daughter to play with the puppies and Hubs needs a haircut shortly. 

love and peace...

enough...

The kitchen sink is currently full of the pocketed shawl that I just finished for my sister.  While it soaks I decided to sit in my sitting room, look out over my beautiful backyard, drink my tea and write.  I've really been doing some heavy thinking and processing this weekend.  It's been peaceful, calming and centering.  All of the things I have been lacking. As evidenced by the card I drew yesterday - All Tied Up.

I have been lost in my thoughts as my hands have been busy creating.  Four projects completed in one weekend?  I am absolutely buzzing from the energy I get with creating.  It will make it very hard to go to work tomorrow.  I'm on a roll, I hate slowing down again.  

For over 18 years my sweet Hubs has been trying to talk me into having faith in me, to starting a quilting business and living my dreams.  For that entire time, I have been pushing back.  Telling him he's a dreamer, that I am not good enough, it wouldn't help us support our family... oh my the stories I told not only him, but myself.  Anything to avoid taking a leap, having faith, simply believing in myself. 

I've often worried that we won't have enough.  That is one of the things I have really been digging into this weekend. What is enough?  At what point do you pass the imagined enough and have more than?  Or at what point do you truly not have enough.  What exactly am I measuring with enough? Is it a measurement?  

This morning Hubs came up from the man cave with a mischievous smile on his face. He thought I had slept in, when in reality I had been awake for several hours.  I took time to meditate, shower and vacuum up the huge amounts of my hair that blanket the house now. 

I had toyed with the idea of finding a beginner's yoga on YouTube and shied away from that idea. My knees are a hot mess and I am actually living in a world of fear where they are concerned. Although I am still feeling drawn to a yoga practice, I don't feel at this point I can risk any more damage. Tai Chi is looking promising though - several recent conversations have led me to believe that my original class was maybe not really Tai Chi. 

As I poured my coffee and enjoyed the beautiful sunrise out the window, I pressed for a reason for the smile.  If you knew him as well as I do, it only means one thing.  He's discovered or found something that for the moment (not a long one at that) will remain a secret.  Shhh... don't tell him, but he can't keep secrets very well.  At least not simple ones. 

I was still thinking through what the day ahead could hold when he said, that we would need to leave in an hour.  We were going to Columbia for lunch.

I had anticipated going for a motorcycle ride in a few hours if it had warmed enough, but I can assure you Columbia was not even remotely on my radar. Bewildered and amused I grabbed my steaming coffee and followed him upstairs.  

While we debated if the air was warm enough for either the bike or convertible, we both started getting ready.  Below 50 outside meant we were taking the truck.  He could have his cigars in that, I don't allow them in the bug unless it is top down weather.  I didn't ask where we were going.  I'm sure he was going nuts that I wasn't pleading for information.  I am trying to do better at just going with the flow of things and not needing to know everything. 

It didn't take him long to start dropping hints about the treasure he had found. He'd already called to make sure the almost two hour trip would not be a water haul.  They were definitely open. He shared with me that they make their specialty fresh every morning.  That they were considered the best place for their specialty outside of their home country.  I think there was one more hint, but honestly I was ready to guess.  I truly wasn't expecting to be right on the first guess... but score one for intuition!  He'd found a little mom and pop place in the heart of Columbia.  Cafe Poland.  Yep we were going to drive there just for pierogi's. 

Ironically I chose crepes

Sweet Hubs had pierogi's

Heading out west, my fingers flying through the final steps of my crochet project, chatting.  I have to say it was wonderful.  Our conversations flew in so many directions.  My heart was full, I had enough.

We pondered the future.  He's able to retire whenever he is ready.  I'm still too young by the government's standards.  For a long time the rule follower in me wanted to listen to them.  Again, I was bringing out the arguments by the bucketful. Slowly my heart and inner voice have started to believe what Hubs has said all along.  I don't know when I will take that leap of faith, who knows I might need to be shoved off that cliff.  Chicken that I am. 

We talked about the things we missed from before.  I pondered all of the things that I have given up in pursuit of the mythical "enough".  We had time to honestly unpack why I don't spend more time creating.  Especially as it is so vitally a part of who I am.  We daydreamed about the future, we "spit balled" names for my imaginary quilting business.  In a world where time is fluid and dreams are the currency that we trade in.

Truthfully, somewhere along the way, I have fallen in line with the if you work as much as is humanly possible then you are successful. Is that how you find the mythical "enough".  Is it a tangible thing?  Or is it something we are taught.  That you cannot ever have or be enough without hitting benchmarks in life.  It doesn't matter if those benchmarks bring joy, love, or satisfaction as long as you hit them.  

My home is filled with stuff.  Stuff bought with hours of my life in the pursuit of enough.  

Piles of supplies for crafts that I never have time to do.  Books I'd love to read, but fall asleep from exhaustion by the time I open them.  Cards that call to me to study, learn and someday master, when I can only manage the simplest of readings. Stacks of cookbooks - and to a large degree the ingredients to make most of the things that draw my attention.  Time spent with my children and grand children. Motorcycle rides with Hubs. Or quiet picnics in the park.

I have spent years searching for balance.  Maybe all that time I should have been searching for the meaning of enough. 

My dad always wanted us girls to shine, to be the best at everything.  If this was good enough, then how did you achieve better.  I remember a straight A report card and his disappointment because I hadn't achieved an A+.  He wasn't being cruel, he was proud of me (I know that now) he just wanted better for us. He'd had it a bit tough growing up, he didn't want his girls to have those experiences.  

Is that where my fear of not having or being enough began.  I don't know.  

Sitting here, listening to some beautiful hang drum music, enjoying the sunshine on my face, sipping my now cold tea, watching the birds flit in and out of the different feeders that we have hanging.  I am secure in the knowledge that I am loved for me.  I am in a safe place.  

With children and grandchildren that I love and adore.  A husband that probably needs his eyes (possibly his head) examined as he never points out the things I could and should change about myself.  Instead he always tells me that I am more than enough. 

my better half

I am so unbelievably blessed to have found my soul mate.  To have been brave enough to follow my heart.  In a world that is always demanding more, it is so wonderful to be someone's enough. 

The future we are dreaming of, seems much more tangible, more obtainable.  It feels like enough.