decisions can hurt...

Come on warm weather... my fingers and toes are simply over this blanket of white.  I had to do potty patrol this morning, and boy is it great fun in the snow.  Yes, that is serious sarcasm there. In case it wasn't obvious. 

I checked out yesterday, I didn't feel like doing a darn thing, so I didn't. I curled up in a quilt and played a game on my phone literally all day.  I can't remember the last time I did something like that.  In fact I am not sure I've done something like that in years, when healthy.  There was a time I would find a great book and do that, but I didn't even bother to find a book.  I just played hours worth of Mahjong.  I stopped to care for pups and a Hubs that came home sick to his stomach.  Other than that, it was a completely wasted day.  

Honestly, it was glorious!  

It also meant I had to play catch up a bit this morning.  Being well-rested, it didn't seem like much at all. 

My sweet Beau was outside with me, he is part husky I'm sure.  He could spend hours out there, if I would let him. He was monitoring all the other dogs in the neighborhood, responding with a slight woof or bark when it seemed appropriate.  He was trying to get his friend to the north to come out, he misses her.  He sat there and whimpered.  At first, I thought it was because his feet were getting cold.  As he kept standing up and looking that way, he would issue a single bark a "hey friend", then sit back down staring and whimpering.  

It broke my heart in more ways than I can explain.  My pups are incredibly loved and spoiled, I mean if you hadn't guessed that yet, and I made a mistake that I can't undo. 

play time

I agreed to welcome another dog into our pack during the hours her mom was working.  It wasn't easy at first, she was definitely NOT dog friendly, so we had to take is super slow.  But over the course of months she became integrated in our pack.  They would eat and drink out of the same bowls, at the same time.  They played, they went for walks, they napped together.  She was a part of their pack.  They would watch for her to come play every day, they would know if she was late. She only lives 3 houses away, they can see her outside during the day, every day.  

Her mom decided that she no longer needed to come play, that she was okay at home. I get it. 

no worries here!

Belle isn't as concerned, she likes being the queen without any competition.  Although she misses her play buddy, they have a similar energy level. She is much calmer and more loving without her here.  She's back to being large and in charge and doesn't have Piper telling her what to do.  Just the way she likes it. 

sissy makes a great pillow

what mama?

Beau seems to be grieving.  He is my friendly boy, the one that wants to be best buddies with everyone, dog or human - just no cats!  He talks to the pup in the house to the south (he's got a crush on her) and will play with her for hours if allowed.  He's even friendly with the pug next door.  Shoot, he made friends with the deer in the backyard.  He sits by the fence for hours (when I let him) watching, whining, calling.  

That is one of the reasons that I had been taking them hiking, to help them with the grieving process. The cold and deep snow has made that a bit of a struggle.  Thankfully warmer temperatures are heading our way and I can help him out a bit.  Yes, it was for his health, that phenobarbital is rough on the appetite, but he was struggling without Piper being here. 

"pack" being goofy

last pack walk

All that being said.  I will never do that to my babies again.  It wasn't fair.  She didn't die, they didn't move away.  These precious babies don't really have the ability to rationalize that play time is simply not needed any longer. I will never bring another dog to my home on a daily basis that isn't going to be here for good. 

They can process grief, they mourn when a part of the pack crosses the rainbow bridge, but that they understand.  When they just leave and they can see them, that is something they cannot process or understand evidently. 

It's not going to warm up until tomorrow, the snow is all packed and crunchy. I seriously struggled to walk the yard.  I will definitely not be taking them hiking with the ground like it is.  That is almost 200 lbs of dog strength, I need to be 100% sure I am stable footed and able to control them. Hopefully, the warmth coming in will provide us with more opportunities to walk soon. 

Thanks for listening to me... I think witnessing that tore my heart up more than I thought it would.  

nappy time - look at those teefers...

I guess it's time to get with it, finish up the few chores left and then decide if I want to longarm or piece today.  Anyone got a coin?  I'm calling heads...

take care, 

b

hero...

Do you ever find yourself "reasoning" with yourself?  I do it often.  More so lately.  Today is definitely one of those days. I pushed too hard yesterday, patience isn't my strong suit, I believe I have mentioned that a time or two.  So today is a bit miserable. 

I want to take a pain pill to make the aching a bit more tolerable.  I don't want to take a pain pill, because, well I hate pain pills.  I hate the foggy, lack of energy feeling that wells up deep inside. The inability to function feeling is absolutely not one of my favorites. 

I am also struggling hard.  I love being alone, I cherish time to create, to explore things that fill my soul.  Being alone to follow those dreams, ideas and activities is incredible.  Being alone, simply because I have the inability to leave the floor on my home where I currently reside without assistance, is ugly. I have found that no matter how nicely I speak to my home, she simply isn't a great conversationalist. And that even though I adore the colors that I have painted, after staring at them for hours on end, I question my sanity. 

Sweet Hubs is going above and beyond taking care of career and home.  He's currently sitting at the DMV, a task that normally I could have taken care of for him. Can't pay taxes electronically, and today is the only day he has left to take care of it.  He's been too tied up with taking care of me and everything else. 

I long to assist.  I want to be productive and a part of life.  I'm tired of sleeping non-stop.  

This is where those heart to heart conversations with one's self have to come in.  As I was lying her having a massive pity party, I'm in discomfort (my own fault), I'm lonely, I'm bored, I'm tired of being bed bound kind of pity party, I told myself I needed to stop. 

I wasn't practicing any form of gratitude or grace. 

still beautiful, 10 days later
thank you baby sister!

I had to remind my bull-headed self that it hasn't even been two weeks.  That I am climbing stairs, walking, showering, successfully doing most of my therapy without any assistance.  I can use my cane for short distances and providing there is someone home to move the walker I can navigate my home. Instead of feeling down and bordering on depression, I need to be thanking the heavens that my surgery has been without incident.  That my surgeon skillfully reattached my long detached ACL and tendon.  That short of not being able to execute a perfect 90 degree bend or straighten it to 120 degrees, I am making incredible progress. 

I am not skilled at taking care of me.  That is a huge shift in consciousness for me. I am trying to remind myself that my current job of care-giver is for me.  It is a full time job to work on my therapy.  It is a full time job to practice my life skills and regain full use of this wonderful gift I have received. 

Even with the current discomfort it is far better than it has been in years.  I need to be grateful for that.  

I think it is just the loneliness. In a normal time, I would be so busy I wouldn't have time to stop.  Just like everyone else.  I don't like television or movies, so I end up with a lot of dead space and time.  So many have offered to come help me.  I don't need help.  I need companionship.  Someone to sit and stitch with while chatting about all things great and small.  I am not used to endless hours of my brain making lists.  I usually provide my brain with my want to's and then move forward. 

Tuesday will be two weeks.  That is not a lot of time.  I needed to remind myself of that. I needed to stop being a small child in my emotions.  I can completely understand a two year old right now.  I know what I want, I know what I need.  But in many ways a lot of it is out of my ability to make happen. 

That is where my knight in shining armor steps in and he is definitely that.  

After fussing with getting the travel trailer registered, taxes paid, picking up our license plates, getting answers regarding my bug and everything else, he still listened to me with tears in my voice wanting to be heard and longing for relief to my self induced distress. 

He hurried home so that we could order a pizza... cauliflower crust isn't half bad... and still found time to allow me to safely shower before going to pick it up.

When your world feels overwhelming and out of control, a steamy hot shower controlled by you, is amazing!   Add some salts to soothe a tired and worn spirit and aura and boom, instant new person. 

He even found me a slightly yummy coke zero (not allowed sugar anymore).  Wouldn't want to live on it, but pizza and coke is one of my most favorite combinations. 

So while I am taking care of redirecting my inner child, my sweet Hubs is taking care of the tantrum throwing two year old that is threatening to make a grand appearance.  I agreed to take my pain pill.  I hate it, but I need to be able to do my therapy this afternoon. It also helped that all the steri-strips officially fell off and I can finally see what my knee looks like.  Dang my Doc is good!  

Pizza, cola, shower and meds.  I'm back to semi reasonable.  I'm back to being mostly in control. 

I don't know that I personally could have calmed the tantrum my inner child was working itself into.  I don't know that I could have managed to bring it all the way back to calm.  The tears were starting to break through to the outer layer. 

I hope each of you has a knight to help fight your battles, I also hope that each of you will be that knight for someone else.  Laying here has given me a lot of time to think, you simply never know what others are going through.  What they might need, who they might want to be near, what battles are raging inside.  

By the way... if anyone is bored and wants to come and stitch with me, let me know, I'll have Hubs leave the door open. Or if you even just want some help with a stitching project (most any kind) I've got ya.  Plenty of time on my hands right now....