wakey, wakey...

The struggle is real! I am trying so hard to not give into the weariness that is settling over me like this warm quilt.  Drawing me into a deep cozy cocoon, to sleep the day away.  I have to stop being the baby that has their days and nights confused.  

I think I have let myself give in far too much, I sleep most of the day away, tired of my own company and feeling like I am not productive.  I am productive, I am productively healing!  Yet, I still give in, close my eyes, curl up in a ball and sleep. 

The challenge with that, is that when it is time to actually sleep, I can't.  I lie awake and stare at the clock on the ceiling, watching it count off the minutes of a slow moving night. It simply has to stop. 

That being said, I am focusing on being a human today.  Showered, wearing clothing (no, not clean pajama's - real clothes!), I did my hair (yes a pony tail counts when it is clean and dried) and I am forcing myself to be upright.  

I've been doing research on some recumbent bikes, my PT says they will greatly improve my leg strength and I will be able to start using one probably after my follow up.  I have an awesome bike, one that I dearly love rolling around the countryside on, although I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not going to be brave enough to ride for a bit.  Doc warned me that recovery is not going to be overnight, that Hubs struggles recovering from two hip replacements were actually easier than my knee will be.  I am trying to keep that in mind, but also retain a positive mental attitude. 

I don't know a lot of people that have purchased and used recumbent bikes so I am going to have to rely on strangers I do believe. I definitely want on that both Hubs and I will benefit from. I want him to stay strong and healthy also.  He's kinda, sorta, super important to me!

I'm working on getting my brain back on track to stay focused.  I still feel scattered, but not like I was.  I am feeling a bit more like I can stay focused and plan out an activity or start working on a plan without going off on tangents.  Discomfort seems to be all that is slowing me down at this point, the wiggling around to not ache is a bit distracting. 

I am actually planning to try sitting in my sewing studio for a bit today.  I know I can't handle more than 20 or 30 minutes, but a lot can happen in those chunks of time.  I have two quilts to prep, one a gift, the other commissioned.  I can get a lot of cutting done in those small windows of time.  And instead of mourning the fact that I can't spend hours just getting it done, I've decided to focus on those bits of time.  I have to wait until Hubs gets home to help me move a few things, I am not sure I can manage moving things and using a walker - at least not safely.  And I am no where ready to move things with the cane, that still requires my full attention. 

I might even manage to iron a few things today.  I can't tackle the whole pile, but I can practice standing with my full weight on my leg while ironing a few items at a time.  I see that as a win/win although my sweet Hubs looked pretty annoyed when I suggested it this morning. 

It isn't that I am trying to be a pain, or suggesting he can't do it all, far from it.  It is a deep seated need to feel like a productive human being.  I like doing things, I like feeling like I contribute.  I can't stand long enough to cook yet, or I would totally be making our meals.  I love to cook.  I need to find the small things that I can do, the small things that give me the sense of being a contributor - not just a taker - for the time being. 

I picked up the master bedroom a bit this morning, while waiting for him to bring up breakfast.  I felt so much a part of a team.  I've always believed life works best in a teamwork scenario.  I was going to dust the mantle where all our fur-babies ashes rest, but ran out of time before Hubs came up.  I'll save that for tomorrow, or maybe before dinner.

I guess it's time to do a bit of quilting, update some book keeping, and ya know, start doing life.  Coffee is way iced at this point and sitting here is making my eyes heavy. 

Peace and love ❤

hero...

Do you ever find yourself "reasoning" with yourself?  I do it often.  More so lately.  Today is definitely one of those days. I pushed too hard yesterday, patience isn't my strong suit, I believe I have mentioned that a time or two.  So today is a bit miserable. 

I want to take a pain pill to make the aching a bit more tolerable.  I don't want to take a pain pill, because, well I hate pain pills.  I hate the foggy, lack of energy feeling that wells up deep inside. The inability to function feeling is absolutely not one of my favorites. 

I am also struggling hard.  I love being alone, I cherish time to create, to explore things that fill my soul.  Being alone to follow those dreams, ideas and activities is incredible.  Being alone, simply because I have the inability to leave the floor on my home where I currently reside without assistance, is ugly. I have found that no matter how nicely I speak to my home, she simply isn't a great conversationalist. And that even though I adore the colors that I have painted, after staring at them for hours on end, I question my sanity. 

Sweet Hubs is going above and beyond taking care of career and home.  He's currently sitting at the DMV, a task that normally I could have taken care of for him. Can't pay taxes electronically, and today is the only day he has left to take care of it.  He's been too tied up with taking care of me and everything else. 

I long to assist.  I want to be productive and a part of life.  I'm tired of sleeping non-stop.  

This is where those heart to heart conversations with one's self have to come in.  As I was lying her having a massive pity party, I'm in discomfort (my own fault), I'm lonely, I'm bored, I'm tired of being bed bound kind of pity party, I told myself I needed to stop. 

I wasn't practicing any form of gratitude or grace. 

still beautiful, 10 days later
thank you baby sister!

I had to remind my bull-headed self that it hasn't even been two weeks.  That I am climbing stairs, walking, showering, successfully doing most of my therapy without any assistance.  I can use my cane for short distances and providing there is someone home to move the walker I can navigate my home. Instead of feeling down and bordering on depression, I need to be thanking the heavens that my surgery has been without incident.  That my surgeon skillfully reattached my long detached ACL and tendon.  That short of not being able to execute a perfect 90 degree bend or straighten it to 120 degrees, I am making incredible progress. 

I am not skilled at taking care of me.  That is a huge shift in consciousness for me. I am trying to remind myself that my current job of care-giver is for me.  It is a full time job to work on my therapy.  It is a full time job to practice my life skills and regain full use of this wonderful gift I have received. 

Even with the current discomfort it is far better than it has been in years.  I need to be grateful for that.  

I think it is just the loneliness. In a normal time, I would be so busy I wouldn't have time to stop.  Just like everyone else.  I don't like television or movies, so I end up with a lot of dead space and time.  So many have offered to come help me.  I don't need help.  I need companionship.  Someone to sit and stitch with while chatting about all things great and small.  I am not used to endless hours of my brain making lists.  I usually provide my brain with my want to's and then move forward. 

Tuesday will be two weeks.  That is not a lot of time.  I needed to remind myself of that. I needed to stop being a small child in my emotions.  I can completely understand a two year old right now.  I know what I want, I know what I need.  But in many ways a lot of it is out of my ability to make happen. 

That is where my knight in shining armor steps in and he is definitely that.  

After fussing with getting the travel trailer registered, taxes paid, picking up our license plates, getting answers regarding my bug and everything else, he still listened to me with tears in my voice wanting to be heard and longing for relief to my self induced distress. 

He hurried home so that we could order a pizza... cauliflower crust isn't half bad... and still found time to allow me to safely shower before going to pick it up.

When your world feels overwhelming and out of control, a steamy hot shower controlled by you, is amazing!   Add some salts to soothe a tired and worn spirit and aura and boom, instant new person. 

He even found me a slightly yummy coke zero (not allowed sugar anymore).  Wouldn't want to live on it, but pizza and coke is one of my most favorite combinations. 

So while I am taking care of redirecting my inner child, my sweet Hubs is taking care of the tantrum throwing two year old that is threatening to make a grand appearance.  I agreed to take my pain pill.  I hate it, but I need to be able to do my therapy this afternoon. It also helped that all the steri-strips officially fell off and I can finally see what my knee looks like.  Dang my Doc is good!  

Pizza, cola, shower and meds.  I'm back to semi reasonable.  I'm back to being mostly in control. 

I don't know that I personally could have calmed the tantrum my inner child was working itself into.  I don't know that I could have managed to bring it all the way back to calm.  The tears were starting to break through to the outer layer. 

I hope each of you has a knight to help fight your battles, I also hope that each of you will be that knight for someone else.  Laying here has given me a lot of time to think, you simply never know what others are going through.  What they might need, who they might want to be near, what battles are raging inside.  

By the way... if anyone is bored and wants to come and stitch with me, let me know, I'll have Hubs leave the door open. Or if you even just want some help with a stitching project (most any kind) I've got ya.  Plenty of time on my hands right now....

hello brain...

I'm awake. 

I know it doesn't seem like a great feat.  Many of us will experience the same feeling today.  But for me after almost 20 days, it is huge! I'm awake, my eyes are open and my mind feels... mine. 

When I last posted I had no idea that the exhaustion I was feeling, the mental fog, the unclear thoughts and the disconnection to myself wasn't just post holiday blahs. A let down after a strange and wonderful holiday season. 

I had no idea that my brain feeling foggy wasn't just a season shift fibro event. 

This morning I am clear. My fingers are hitting keys that actually make sense.  I've been awake since around 3 am.  And while that would normally disturb me, the fact that for several weeks I have basically been sleeping over 20 hours a day it feels good. I have stared off into space for far too long this month. 

In fact, if I wasn't so concerned with where things have already gone this year I would want a do - over. 

I am going to be very unpopular with what I feel strongly that I need to say.  Especially as I have now managed to experience, successfully, the awesome combination of COVID and pneumonia.  But, here it goes just the same. 

Live your life. 

Due to my work I followed the guidelines, I wore the mask, washed my hands, did my best with six feet. And almost 20 days and a hospital stay later, I am still going to say live your life. 

During the time that I have been ill, I know of several people that have passed away.  Some COVID related, some not.  I have been sick before in my life.  This was definitely an experience I am okay with having only learned once. But there was no reason for the world to change because I got a virus. If masks and all the other fear mongering worked, I would not have gotten sick. The truth is that virus' have been around as long as man.  We have been blessed by a creator that insured our bodies would adapt and we could survive, if meant to. 

The greatest joy I had during that period of time was when my girl was brave enough to bring that little sprite of a grand baby over to entertain me before I got too sick. We explained to stay away from Gramma and we had so much fun.  The sparkle from her made me feel like a million dollars.  Now before you freak out, please know she had already been potentially exposed and children are pretty darn safe... because you know science. 

The laughter and joy of that evening made some of the past few weeks brighter. Speaking to my children and text messages from grands made sitting in a hospital sweating and on oxygen a whole lot easier to deal with. 

My heart broke yesterday when I received a message from one of my employees, her grandfather had passed unexpectedly.  They had moved back here to enjoy time together, but because of all the fear that has been being dished up they lost all of that time. 

You cannot unwind a clock people. 

Since time began we have had people get sick, we have had bodies get tired and move on.  The one thing we can never replace, ever are the memories of laughter, time together, sharing love, hope and ideas. 

I am not saying to simply through caution to the wind.  In fact I am dumb struck by some of the absolutely idiotic things I am hearing from around the country. A change in leadership does not all the sudden cure a pandemic.  Simply rewriting rules, ideas and thoughts does not make them... well science. 

I used to be a firm believer in science.  Until I studied in it.  I used to believe a lot more and know a lot less.  

I think I told a friend while I was in the hospital that I believe I chose this time to be ill. I knew that I needed a safe, calm spot to be.  Can't get much safer than completely disconnected.  I needed a cocoon, my soul knew that. A buffer so to speak. 

I guess the coming months will show to us if we have been terrified to be controlled or if we have just over come one of the greatest pandemics in history.  Please understand that I am normally more middle of the line with the thoughts I share. Yet after this month, this experience.  I am now choosing to be allowed to have my own voice and thoughts. 

If you are healthy live your life.  You owe it not only to yourself, but your loved ones.  Spend time making a special dinner, go for that walk, do like my sweet baby grand did and build a forest hut it the park.  Get dirty. 

If you aren't feeling so great, take a moment to step back.  Take care of yourself.  I don't use my sick days, I never get sick. HAHAHAHA, proved me wrong. As I battled all the guilt and anger at myself for not staying healthy, for not being there and doing what was expected of me, I realized something. 

I work with and for great people.  I have felt so much love this past few weeks. Yet, I am supremely replaceable. They haven't missed a beat.  I could say it's because I have a great team, that I am surrounded by amazing people, and the text book answer to that is yes, I do.  The reality is the only people we are not replaceable with another comparative part is our family, friends, our loved ones. 

Smell flowers, go get wet in the rain, or play in the snow.  Turn off the television - you have been programmed. Experience life. Walk away from people telling you what to think, what to feel how to learn. Stop being programmed. 

One of my family members really upset me in a comment he made on a Facebook post. It was something harmless in regards to what I am writing here about living life and not missing a moment.  The comment was small and petty.  About not wanting to end up in a hospital or morgue. 

My anger wasn't in his saying those words.  My anger is that he chose my message to carry his gloom.  I am not going to be so willing to allow that moving forward.  Everyone has a voice, everyone has the right to use that voice.  We are blessed with intelligence, common sense and the ability to learn. We have an innate ability to grow, experience to level up as humans.  We alone make the choice to not do so. 

If I've angered you, I am sorry.  If have I have given you an opportunity to think for a moment, follow that wisp. 

But mostly, live! Make time for what is important, because in the end, the loved ones around you truly are all that matter. 

My last post was about creating, it was in the most strict sense of the word.  During the moments of lucidity of the past few weeks I have thought deeper about that string of thoughts. As this week started my brain was still struggling hard to connect to me, my fingers and brain were not even remotely speaking to each other and I couldn't put together clear thoughts.  Slowly as the week has moved forward, I forced my fingers to wrap around the yarn, to connect my muscle memory and brain in a pattern that I can do in my sleep.  

Creativity pulled me back. Creativity will drive me forward. 

I have been wrapped in love from so many areas of my life, flowers, messages of love, calls, dinners... I am so surrounded by an amazing community. I am blessed, I am thankful and I am choosing to move forward in pure love.

Go out and live!  Experience all things beautiful and growth inducing.  Turn off the television, have a conversation, agree to disagree and learn to love one another again, please....