presence...

with a "c"... that is how my daughter described the gifts of this holiday season. 

She's right! Yesterday found us all sitting in a loud mall food court, so the boy could have Sarku one more time before returning to the coast - which is barren of that particular delicacy. It was overly loud, we basically sat in extreme silence, because we couldn't hear each other anyhow. 

Just sitting together.  Me, snuggling the youngest dragon, as she was in that kind of mood.  Soft kisses on the head and on the finger that she cut while painting mommy's carpet and stealing a soda can from one of her older siblings.  Looking around the table at everyone munching, seems so mundane to the outsider, but for me it was pure heaven.

After wandering and returning a gift that wasn't going to be used, we headed to the gaming store.  Where the returned gift became a needed gift.  Double win on that one.

A dog walk later and we headed to St. Louis Union Station, we knew the aquarium did not have any tickets, but that was okay, it's the girl's new favorite hangout. We considered the Ferris Wheel, not too seriously - I'm terrified of heights and those lines!  None of us were game for that kind of madness with a toddler. We enjoyed the Fire and Lights display a couple of times and even found the opportunity for a snack at the Soda Fountain. That place smells overly sweet as soon as you walk in. 

We did decide on the Mirror Maze and Mini-Golf.  It was a blast.  I was a bit sad to see so many thing broken in the maze, when it had only recently opened.  It was crazy fun just the same. I will say that more than once someone, read the baby dragon, ran into the mirrors face first.  She finally got wise and held hands so that someone else hit the glass first. It's worth the few dollars it cost for the price of giggles.  It will be better when they fix the broken items.

Mini-Golf with a toddler.  Interesting.  It was a great evening, we had so much fun.  It was an almost warm night for most of the evening.  I managed to retain my worst golfer ever title!  I was pretty proud of that accomplishment, I simply cannot golf - even the mini version is simply not for me. It was full of giggles, bragging, one-up-manship, it brought out the competitive in sweet Hubs like no tomorrow.  We discovered you could play mini-golf and be the lowest scorer in a dress and heels, and that a mom can swing a mean golf club while carrying a toddler.  She can also use said toddler as a prop to get a two swing hole on a par 3.

As the attractions started closing and the crowds started to thin out we wrapped up our game and headed back to our cars. It was the holiday's of old for me.  Time, the most precious gift of all had been spent.

Walking back, I was asking my girl what color shoes I could replace her Christmas ones with, as she had already bought herself two of the ones I bought her.  That's when she told me I'd been giving her the best presents around, they were present's with a "c".  We've done tons of fun things, visited, talked, shared meals and just enjoyed each other. As the boy is getting ready to head home tomorrow I realized that is what we've been doing also.

The greatest gift of all!

This Christmas has completely been about presence.  And I feel unbelievably blessed because of it. So much time with everyone! 

grateful...

The smell of my wood fire is lingering in the air.  I love it! It's a right of passage for me, it reminds me that fall has arrived and that cooler weather is finally here.  I am not a warm weather person, at all, so this is just perfect for me.

This morning found us hurrying off before the sun was fully up in the sky.  Our oldest grand daughter was marching in a band event in one of our favorite small towns.  Perfect!  It was like all the stars had aligned, we were home, had nothing going on and she remembered to share the date and time.  Oh yeah and it was a cool, crisp fall morning. 

Heaven!

We left early to enjoy breakfast at our favorite coffee shop, The Washington Coffee Shop, and were delighted to find that one of the judges stands was within sight.  Hubs found the perfect spot for us to watch for our talented little band geek.  Our girl gave up trying to get closer and watched from slightly further down the road.  Hubs, with his inability to sit still spent most of the morning walking between her spot and ours and getting more coffee.  My sick self, sat quietly and waited.

It was such a great day to relax in my comfy folding chair, sipping on my River Fog Tea, an absolutely yummy combination of Earl Grey, Vanilla, Lavender and steamed soy milk. They were the second from the last band through, so I had plenty of time to rest.

We were going to go riding, but I was longing for some family time.  I don't get enough of it, ironically sweet Hubs gets more time with our girls than I do.  His job is more of a 40 hour traditional week than mine.  And with it being budget season and the start of Annual Campaign, my life gets a bit nuts.  Add a cold to that mix and I end up living through pictures of fun times that I am not part of.  It breaks my heart.

As a result of my need, thank you sweet Hubs, we spent the next few hours enjoying one of our farmers markets and the playground with the youngest.  She is such a little fire cracker and her joy of life is infectious.  I was laughing so much when she realized that gramma wasn't feeling good and asked me if I needed to go to the dentist.  She is so clever for a little two year old. When I told her my teeth were okay, I just had a cold, her quick reply was "oh, I see you need a doctor, do you want to go to the doctor?"

She is beyond precious.

As we wandered the farmers market, I was starting to be a bit hungry and of course doesn't it figure that Bombay Food Junkies wasn't there this week, and noticed the Syrian Refugees were selling date and nut plates.  It looked so refreshing and definitely healthy.  I decided it was going to be perfect, and what a great cause to support. I carefully put it in my basket, sitting at Little Bit's feet in the wagon, and put my wallet away.  I turned around just in time to see her poking her little fingers in to grab a dried apricot.  Getting her to share was definitely a challenge.  Seems she loves dried fruits and nuts also. She and I walked along observing everything around us and talking, me pulling her in the wagon and she grudgingly sharing a few random dates stuffed with raw almonds.  It was absolutely delightful.

I don't get to spend enough time just enjoying my wonderful family. 

Our next stop was the playground, who could possibly refuse that plea to play on the playground, please!  Of course we could, how long do you need sweet baby girl?

Each of us took a turn playing with her, mom and hubs had far more energy than I did, so they were climbing and dashing around with her.  Gramma just took lots of pictures. We ended up our together day at Sweet Art, Little Bit needed a cupcake, while Gramma and Grandpa needed some lunch.  The vegan offerings were a bit thin at the farmers market today.  It ended up being a LONG wait - they lost our order - it was yummy and it was a chance to enjoy our tiny one, truth be told mom looked unbelievably bored.

Worn out and filled with joy we returned home, just as the skies opened and it rained like crazy. Perfect fall day.  Full of fun, laughter, proud moments and just being. We shopped a lot of local vendors, I love supporting local folks.  I prefer it to stores and avoid them when I can.

Hubs offered to build me a fire tonight.  I'm still sleepy from my long nap, so I opted out.  Instead I curled up in big brown chair and worked on some knitting for a bit.  I fell in love with a pattern and decided to start working on it.  I'm struggling with the needles that I have in the correct size, normally I love my beautiful wooden needles, the warmth and smoothness always calm me. I think I am going to have to get a set of lace needles though, the yarn and the pattern are a struggle on my wooden beauties. The thread is not sliding easily and the lace pattern is refusing to easily slide.  Frustration with lace is definitely not a good thing.

It's time to take another dose of medicine and hopefully get more rest. I don't like to get sick and I hate when it slows me down.  I have a cooking class to work on, I have soaps to make, I have things that require thought and energy to take care of.  I have no ability to give those gifts right now...

I am grateful for this day, grateful for the time with my babies and sweet hubs.  Grateful for the time to rest.

taking a different path...

Sometimes a day just doesn't go as planned.  

And it's OK!  It's better than OK, it's fabulous!

I think I sometimes get caught up, like so many other American's these days.  I think I start chasing my tail and insisting there is so much that I have to do.  So many things that are demanding my attention, so many things that I feel I need to accomplish.  I rarely, if ever simply slow down.  Alter the plan, change direction.

Today... I did!

And it feels fabulous!  I am sitting here on the deck with the Hubs.  We are sipping Bloody Mary's and he's grilling a fabulous dinner.  My contribution... prep, that's all!  Grilled Salmon for me, grilled steak for him, grilled chicken brats for the boys - hey they need to celebrate the weekend too! Fresh asparagus is roasting on the top grill rack fresh grated Parmesan waiting to be sprinkled on top.

The evening breeze is picking up the mixed flavors and scents and mingling them in a pleasant mix of raw nature and savory scents all tossed together and swirling around us.  Above us the moon is bright and high in the early evening sky.  The sun has still not set in the west, so it's early arrival is so pretty in the soft evening blue.  A soft breeze is moving the young spring leaves on the trees surrounding our tree house deck. All too soon they will be in full bloom and the early rising moons will be invisible.

The day was planned out, we were going to accomplish so much.  Laundry is mostly done, folded no, washed yes.  That counts right?  Ironing, well let's be reasonable here... it's over 70 degrees, my sister and brother-in-law were in town and we got the awesome pleasure of our grand baby.  There was no way the ironing was going to happen.

It's been a bit since she has wanted to hang out with us.  She's growing up so fast.  We will stop the world from turning to spend the day with our sweet baby girl.  She is so fun.  Full of love and life. Both Hubs and I adore our role in her life, and wouldn't change it for anything in this world.

As I was brewing her Rooibos tea this morning, I couldn't help but thinking back to the sweet little girl barely a year old that I started having tea parties with.  The Vanilla Rooibos is still her favorite.  She still likes it with sugar or honey and a touch of fresh cream. Only now, instead of spilling half of those tiny cups all over the table and floor, she sips it like a true little lady.  Pinky finger crooked just so.

She wasn't sure she was going with us, we were headed to Grant's Farm.  And when she headed home with Mom, I sure didn't expect her back.  But not 10 minutes later sweet mini-me showed back up.  Truly looking like a mini-me.  She'd gone home to change her clothes.  We were dressed almost identical!  She is such a little character.

Grant's Farm never happened.  Seems that a few thousand of our closest friends also thought it would be the perfect way to spend this lazy Sunday.

Me and mini-me got the radishes planted - which she hates, so now I need to plan some strawberries, which were not on our planting plan.  We also got the Cowpea Holstein's planted.  I am excited for these to grow and to serve them for dinner.  They are very old and rare.  I love it!  I can't stand how so many of my favorite foods have been GMO'd to death - literally.  Flavor is gone.  So when I can plant the heirlooms and old seeds, I get so excited!  We started to prep a few more planter boxes.  I don't have a ground garden any longer, container only for this girl! I have a fabulous old tub that is going to become home to several different plants.

I need to give notice to those pesky squirrels... I will share, but they will not get it all this year! I plan to put in a few tomato plants - what's a garden without them?  I have pole beans and lemon cucumbers that will round things out.  I am still pushing the outer limits of time to get potatoes and onions planted if I am going to.  I really am leaning towards building a potato tower.  I feel that would be amazing!

We never got the nut bars made and the peanut butter ground.  That didn't have to happen.  Sewing didn't happen either.  But laughs and giggles happened.  We'd had a picnic lunch at a park that the baby girl was excited to visit.  She and Gramps played music on the xylophone made of wood and pipes while I visited with one of my sisters that I rarely see.  It was so nice to spend a bit of time, just visiting and chatting.

We wandered through thrift stores and looked for treasures.  She found an exercise bike that was the perfect size for her, evidently she's really been wanting one.  Once Mom gave us the okay, we hurried back to buy it before anyone else could.  It was picked up and delivered home while we continued to browse, talk and wander.

The treasures she found were silly, she loves going to 5 Below and managed to spend about $18 on pranks and sillies.  She got two light sabers and immediately challenged a good friend of the family to a battle upon arriving home.

We invited her to join our dinner.  She sweetly declined, saying mommy would be sad if they didn't have some family time together. Those sweet baby girl hugs as we went to leave, reminded us both that all to soon she is going to be too busy for us.  We are going to have to settle for the scraps as she continues to grow.

Hubs and I are a bit like the boys when steak is served, we will definitely beg for scraps!  The bike ride never happened, the chores were left for another day.  It's like that old poem, "so quiet down cobweb, dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."... our grand baby is almost a teen already.  This year she will be 10.  Time has flown past so quickly.

Life is short.  Grab it, savor it, explore the good and learn from the bad... time flies.  Slow down and enjoy.

The moon is glowing solidly bright in a deep navy sky.  The stars are starting to sparkle brightly.  It's time to unwind with the Hubs, and get ready for another busy week.

I am thankful for the lessons taught this weekend.

Take me back to yesterday...

There's a sweet little grand baby sleeping softly upstairs, she asked me to wake her up as soon as I got up. I'm going to have to tell her a little white lie.  Not a huge one, but Gramma needs a few minutes of silence, a few minutes to think and process the world around me.  A few minutes of nothing.  After I have that I will gladly wake her, help her get showered and dressed and ready to face the world.

It's been a week... a long and pretty much horrible week.  Hubster's has been in the hospital since Sunday when I had to call an ambulance to come and get him.  He's a mess.  I keep getting angrier at the silence from the doctors.  And they simply keep loading him up with more pain medication, all the while he is losing more and more use of his leg and the medication is getting stronger and stronger.

Frustration just might not be a strong enough word.

Our little Angel did not realize Grampa was still in the hospital, she was here when he'd gone, but she was sure I had brought him home when she came home from her visit to the hospital, on Tuesday.  To put it mildly she was less than pleased with me for not keeping her more informed.

I picked her up yesterday and took her with me on my return trip.  Sadly, the amount of medication they are giving him now has him very dazed and out of it, but he sure recognized and slightly perked up when the Angel strolled in the room with her dinner and drink to enjoy some time with her Grampa.

We didn't stay long, but she felt she needed to stay with Gramma and keep her company.  I'm so happy she did!

We made popcorn, "the old fashioned" way (I have a popcorn popper).  Her eyes about popped out of her head when it started popping.  I have a Amish multi color mix of popcorn, it's all different shades of white and yellow when it pops.  Oh my goodness did that tickle her!  She was certain I was popping Indian Corn. Makes me wonder what she would have done if I had popped it on the stove?

It was precious time, we talked and talked.  About favorite things, Grampa (I believe that is her favorite subject), about school and dance, and how she feels about different people and their roles in her life.  When I spend hours alone with her it reminds me of my boy when he was young.

She fell asleep early, she wants to go back to the hospital to see that Grampa, she feels that she can hang around and cheer him up.  I love it! And I am glad she wants to go.

Well... I know it's short and a little bland, I'm sorry... I simply feel a bit gutted and rushed.  I am trying to finish a few minor chores before I wake her up and get us ready to go.  The Hubs is having another bad morning if his text is any indication... And there is another round of snow on the way...

We'll talk soon, I promise...

It's called living...

Well hello Stranger... yep I read your mind.  I know I haven't written.  And it sure isn't about not having anything going on in life. Quite the opposite.  It's almost like too much life is going on, all the time.

I rush around each morning so I can take care of all the pets in the mornings, pack lunches and fix breakfast, somehow I used to be able to do that for more than just two people.  With ease.  Not sure what happened along the way to now.

Then I rush about all day trying to take care of everything in the hours that everyone has available.  Work, doctors, therapy... everything is vying for that same span of time.

Then rush home to start the same morning routine in reverse.  Walk the boys, fix the dinner, clean up if I can scrape together enough energy and then take care of the turtle, lizard, love on the cat and it's time to crash.

Not a very fulfilling way to live, that's for sure.  The weather hasn't been cooperating either.  We had a few drop dead gorgeous early days and then it's been a combination of bitter cold, snow, ice, bitter cold, freezing rain, snow, bitter cold.  I guess you are following that.  Normally not a problem, but this year, well it's been a struggle.  This year I realized that moving further from work, well, it simply takes some adjusting.

We needed to make fresh squeezed lemonade

Cooking our own breakfast

I am struggling to find that happy medium.  Right now it feels as though it simply isn't going to happen.  I am so thankful for my mini-me deciding that she needs to spend every other weekend with her Grampa and I.  I forces me to slow down, to savor the important things in life.  To laugh and be silly.  I am afraid if I did not have that I would be border line crazy by now.

Making Grampa be a silly kid again... whipped cream it is!

The sweetie sure knows what to request for dinner...

Hubs is not healing.  Oh the hip is great!  Absolutely wonderful in fact, full range of motion, probably works better that the other one.  But it seems that I should have been insisting I attend all appointments with him. Because... well arthritic and necrotic are two very, very different things and the original problem has never been addressed because it was discovered the hip was necrotic and had to be dealt with immediately.  And all the bed rest and therapy and the compensation while it's healed has only aggravated the original problem to the point of unbelievable!

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers, tomorrow morning we will take him to get a nerve block done on his L2.  If that works, please Lord, then we just need to chart the path forward for that.  It will probably mean one more surgery, but... that should be it!

I hope so!  I hate seeing him in so much pain.  And on the selfish side, I am tired.  Very, very tired.  I can't imagine how caregivers of long term patients do it.  My fibro has been fighting me like crazy, maybe if I didn't have my own demons?  Who knows.  But every step forward feels like 20 backward.  I feel like it would be okay if this insanity had not invaded every inch of my life.  If there was some area that was smooth and steady.  I am struggling to even find quiet time for coffee.

I mean come on coffee time should be sacred! I'm sitting here typing, looking out at the lingering snow, trying to ignore the fact that my phone just sent me another weather alert about the wind chill and listening to the non-stop sound of the turtle filter reminding me that I need to clean the tank today. Knowing I need to do my own physical therapy (ugghhh - whole different list of "what the's"), and regretting the fact that I couldn't sleep last night.

Please know I haven't gone away.  I just have such a limited amount of time to accomplish everything.  I am so far behind on everything, I owe folks quilts, soaps, socks, a giraffe.  I have more projects than I can budget time for at work, and I still haven't finished unpacking... And all I long for is somewhere quiet with hot coffee and no to-do list.

I guess it's starting to get to me a bit... I hope that if you are in one of those snow covered area's you are staying warm and safe.  If you are enjoying the warmth of sunshine, please forgive the rest of us while we hate on you a bit...  Slow down and enjoy the time with your families and loved ones...

selfish...

For a while now I have been dealing with some things that are making me tired.  Selfishness, nasty, lazy and a few other choice words come to mind when thinking about it.

Sweet Hubs knows it is taxing me to my limits.  Making me struggle with flares and simply wanting to just walk away from many things. He could simply ignore it, sooner or later I come to grips with things.  But he doesn't.  He handles things so different.

He lets me be selfish.

This morning as I hobbled down the stairs, cursing myself for not getting my knee/leg looked at, wincing at the pain each step caused, I am not good at taking time for myself and my own health.  I was feeling less than optimistic about the day.  It'd promised to be an amazing one, but I was already tired and cranky.  The ache had managed to rob me of most of the hours my eyes were closed, and the throbbing had already started for the day.  Rounding the corner and not seeing hubby I realized he was down in his Man Cave (or girl cave if you ask the grand baby), then I spied my coffee cup sitting innocently in front of the coffee pot.  I couldn't help but smile at the fact that it contained a nice dose of Buffalo Trace.  Filling my cup and wandering down the stairs very slowly convinced me it was gonna be a slow one.

As I sipped my hot, bourbon laced coffee, my sweet hubby listened to me think out loud... actually apologizing that I had gotten the last of the bourbon.  He'd given it to me and didn't have any.  He knew I loved to start my Saturday's like that and he'd unselfishly given it to me.  He loves it to.  It was a huge gift of love.

Next the kitty knocked over the flowers he'd bought me.  Water everywhere.  Including under the Valentine's box he'd tried to get me to open a few nights ago when my heart was so heavy and sore.  As I panicked that whatever the brightly wrapped package contained could be damaged by the water, Hubby saw another opportunity to make me open it early.  He quickly started insisting that I open it, that the water would ruin it and he would be so upset.  In my haste to clean up and prevent damage I missed the cues that usually tell me I am being worked.  Let me just say that I am 99% sure that little bit of water was in NO way going to damage those boxes of carefully wrapped and sealed sponge candy.

He'd ordered me Romolo's this time.  Stefanelli's is our normal kind, it was what I'd remembered from growing up.  We both had been curious every time someone from home would insist that we were not eating the right kind, we needed Romolo's it was the original, the stuff I remembered.  Okay, all those at home... You were right!

After limping to walk the boys and do a few things around the house I decided to take a hot bath in Epsom salts before the grand baby woke up.  Hoping, praying actually that it would eliminate whatever was bothering my leg.

Hubs was working on fixing the banister rail, it had finally given way and fallen off, something we were terribly afraid would happen when he'd needed it most.  It waited.  Having my Mister Fix-It back is nice.  I offered to help after finding the wood filler for him, instead he fixed me a nice hot bubble bath concoction.  Epsom Salts, some essential oils and other things all designed to alleviate pain.

How unselfish of him.

Soaking in mounds of soft bubbles, listening to Enya, surrounded by candles and looking out the window at the bright blue sky... well that should have been more that enough to mellow my mood, make my heart soar, and assure me I am loved.  And frankly it was.

But not to him.

After he'd finished fixing the rail.  He spoiled and pampered me some more.  I am sure not many women can say their hubby gave them a manicure and a pedicure... I can!

Again... unselfish.

So loving.

After he fixed breakfast with the grand baby, and he cleaned up the kitchen we got her ready for the day. We'd planned to take her swimming. She's got a bit of a cold. Why risk it?

Picnic lunch packed.

Baby girl ready.

Adventure bound.

We headed up to Alton.  It's time for the eagles and we didn't want to miss the beautiful day.

He unselfishly allowed me a day of selfishness.  A day I desperately needed.  I got some amazing pictures of my grand baby, the eagles, him, the sunset and captured so many silly moments.  We laughed we giggled. We sang travel songs and went back in time.

When it was time for dinner... we chose an unlikely place.  A small little hole in the wall looking place.  Much laughter and fun later we'd enjoyed an incredible dinner, met Bob the Cat, toasted with toast, giggled and laughed.

The drive home with the sun setting provided us with many opportunities to pull off, take pictures, have tea on the banks of the Mississippi. All while dancing to Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars.  In the failing sun we watch literally hundreds of eagles high above the bluffs and river soaring on the jet stream, their white chests glowing a beautiful red in reflection.  We'd stopped to see if the Mama Eagle on her nest was still there. She was only now she was hovered over it, tucked in for the night.

The sea gulls were swarming the waters edge, grabbing that last little snack before dark, and a short way down the road hundreds of crows adorned the trees like black leaves, straight out of a Hitchcock movie.

A quick stop at the store for a few small things, Grand Baby needed a magazine she's been looking for, and those boys needed food.  And we headed home.  This time I drove, Hubs leg was starting to complain quite a bit.  Still he offered.  Knowing I don't see well in the dark and therefore do not like to drive at night.

It was my turn to be unselfish.

While I drove home, he relaxed, leaning back, listening to music.  Letting the music and pain medication help him through it all.

Shortly after arriving home he headed upstairs.  Worn out, needing to stretch out.  I am sitting up with the Grand, who informed us that she needed to spend the whole weekend with us - and we couldn't be happier. I know she needs us, that we can give her a place to selfishly call her's.

The reality is that little girl sitting quietly at the end of the sofa reading her magazine...

Well Grampa and Gramma selfishly need her!