gratitude...

I am going to pause and take a moment to enjoy this incredible morning.  Hubs had to be to work super early again, so I thought I should take care of the gardens in the coolness of the morning.  I was using cool as a relative word, as it was already muggy and nasty at 5 am this morning.  I wasn't expecting much. 

It seems that mother nature heard my whining and summoned up a beautiful breeze from the south.  It's gonna still be blistering hot, normal for this time of year.  And muggy and the Midwest are pretty much the same words in late July. But right now, it's beautiful!  The breeze is blowing, there is almost no humidity and I am sitting in the treetop garden enjoying my coffee. As I sit here looking around I see a few more things that need to be harvested before the heat sets in, but for this quiet moment in time.  I'm enjoying it. 

The critters in the woods are just starting to wake up, there is that soft buzzing of bugs surrounding me.  I've heard a few birds chirping and calling their families.  And one of my hummingbirds has already been by, checking out the flowers.  

It's gonna be the start of a couple of busy weeks.  I made an impulse decision a week ago, at first I was super apprehensive about it.  But now... well a week later, with most of the details settled, I am starting to feel excited.  My mom has been supposed to take a trip home to Pennsylvania for a hot minute now.  She got I'll the first time and we were coming up on the deadline to use her plane tickets to get her there.  One thing led to another and somehow I decided after 27 years, that it was time to go home too.  Next month, Mom and I are flying home for a whole 9 days.  I can't say I have gone anywhere, except to Europe in 2012 and taking care of mom when she'd had a medical procedure about 7 years ago, for a whole 9 days!  And I can honestly say, that I have never been away from Hubs for that long. 

hello sweet friend... welcome to the garden

But... here we are. The last time I was back was so traumatic that I have seriously avoided it.  I had been trying to get home before my Grammie passed away, she was still alive when I had left Germany.  Sadly, she passed away while I was still somewhere across the Atlantic ocean and I arrived in time for her funeral.  I have avoided Pennsylvania since then. 

And I rarely fly, so... we are just going all out of my comfort zone.  I have to have faith nothing happens to my Hubs or Pups while I am gone, I have to leave them all.  I have to fly and rent a car... and drive in unfamiliar areas in an unfamiliar car.  None of these things are in my top 10 list of things to do on a regular basis. A flight is only 1.5 hours, driving is 10.  Seems like a no brainer.  

As this week begins, I have things that are home and garden related to tackle.  I have a quilt to finish up so that I can send it south with my brother in law when he takes mom back down to Arkansas. I need to do grown up stuff like getting a Real ID, so they will let me on the plane.  It took me all of 15 minutes to gather everything so I am not sure why folks are freaking out about doing stuff like that. Would have been much easier if I hadn't let my passport expire, but honestly, I don't need it anymore, so why keep spending the money.  I wonder how many people in this country, or any country for that matter never even get a passport?

Each morning I wake up a bit more excited for the trip.  After speaking with my aunt for a bit yesterday, I can't wait to see what my cousin has in mind.  The trip is more for mom than me.  No one back home really knows me anymore.  Although I have stayed close to my cousin and my one aunt, and I am excited to see what kind of mischief we can get into.  I love them all, but I don't really chat with them much. And the bonus is that my aunt lives on a farm.  You know this girl is gonna be loving life.

I will still spend a good deal of time in the city with the rest of the family, but I will spend more time outside of the busyness. 

It will be strange to be so far from home for so long.  Although, I know that it will pass in the blink of an eye.  It's the first time mom and I have ever gone on a solo trip, we will see so much family, hopefully she will get to see some of her dearest friends from childhood.  She will spend lots of time with her little brother, she needs it as much as he does, even if she won't admit it. We'll buy chocolate, the ones that connect us so hard to our childhoods, (my Hubs and grands definitely will be waiting for that to come home).  I will explore places that I haven't seen in almost 3 decades, maybe longer.  We'll visit graves and pay respect, but mostly spend time with those that are here.  I've a firm belief that cemeteries are simply for remembering, as our loved ones are not there. 

Well, I can sit here all day and enjoy this breeze and daydream about the journey ahead.  But the humidity is picking up as nature is waking up.  I need to finish watering and head inside. I need to finish Hubs' sweater today and then load that quilt.  So much to do... 

I truly love my life! 

take care, stay cool, drink LOTS of water, 

much love, b

creating the life...

A few years ago I bought a book while at an airport, something to read to manage the wait. It was about how to reclaim your weekend.  I was surfing the internet for a few moments, giving my legs and back a break yesterday and I came across a meme that said "use the weekend creating the life you want, not to escape the one you are in".  It brought that book rushing back to me.  I never finished reading it.  It was like a beacon shining a light on the things that were missing in my life, the things that were making me so sad as they were lacking in my world.  It was like they had written the book about me, it was so depressing.  

There was a time that I didn't or couldn't stop the "grind" unless I wanted to be so far behind I couldn't catch up.  As a result I was a grumpy person that was dying inside.  I missed so many things. I missed so much joy and one time things.  I was afraid to step away, I was afraid to move into that person that was creating the life they want. 

Fast forward to today, I am in such a different place.  I realized that I am no longer running away from my life, I finally have what I always wanted and needed in my life. Yet as things like that continue to appear, I feel that it is still a crazy important message for many.  I am definitely creating a life that I fills me with peace. 

There are a couple of folks in my life that I see my old self in.  My heart hurts, I want to wave a magic wand and take away the stress and the non-stop grind.  I can't.  No one can, just like no one could have for me.  It's a journey that I believe we all have to take for ourselves, when we are ready to move forward and take those steps. 

Just like that book couldn't magically give me back my weekends, which at the time were not filled with fun and relaxation.  Back then those two days that should have allowed me to hope and dream were filled with rushing around and doing all the stuff I needed to cram in to be ready for the insanity of the week ahead.  If they weren't spent squeezing in more work. 

When I talk to both of them now, I am so happy to hear the joy in their voices about the good things that are squeezing into the few cracks of time in their work-a-day-world. They are both working on small gardens, planting seeds and spending a bit of time nurturing their growth.  One has even added a few chickens into the mix.  I don't know if they can hear it in their own voices, but I can. There is a calmness to be found in those moments.

I used to long for balance.  I was certain that was the magical key that I was somehow missing. Now, I wonder if it had more to do with the fact that I wasn't following my passions.  I was chasing the money that I was sure was going to make everything better. Only to now realize that having disposable income is great, but not if all you are doing with it is buying stuff to fill bigger voids within yourself. 

Hubs is still away on his work retreat, he's in one of the most beautiful places, where it is easy to unplug and relax.  I'm happy for him.  I hope he is actually doing that.  I know he's gotten some fishing in and based on the text I woke up to from somewhere around midnight, I know he's enjoying some back deck sitting and sipping.  I'm glad that he was enjoying himself so much that he forgot to call or text me good night.  I would be more worried and upset if he had, because that would have been a red flag that it was not a good evening. 

I'm sure when he gets home tonight he will be ready to go to bed at 730 pm, he never stays up late and two nights in a row?  He will be tired. I get it.  Although I might start pushing for him to stay up later with me in the evening.  

Down at Trout Lodge you are forced to talk and socialize, the is only one television for the entire lodge.  The ability to lose oneself in the mindlessness of a television show or movie for hours isn't really an option.  But who needs it when you have the ability to fish, hike, bike, do a dozen outdoor activities, spend time with friends and just exist?

Of course it's quiet here, but not a bad quiet.  I think he needs to do things like this a bit more, I think the fishing and socializing with friends is filling his soul in a good way. I have been busy tending to mine.  I find connecting to nature is so good for all of us.  In whatever way fills you up. I have loved ones that walk in parks for hours, enjoying the beauty and absorbing all of the goodness surrounding them.  Other's hike, some do yoga, some boat, float, kayak, some are farming the land.  I find the more time I can spend outside with my fingers in the dirt the richer and more fulfilling life feels. 

Another friend shared a meme that got my mind to twirling in circles.  A bunch of kids outside at dusk on their bikes and scooters.  Talking about the great life we had, sad that we were the last ones to enjoy it.  Ironically, yesterday on a social media platform someone asked where are all the kids? That you never see kids outside playing anymore.  They don't gather in cul-de-sacs or hang out on their bikes in the neighborhoods.  You really don't see much of it at all anymore.  

Life has changed.  I hope the pendulum swings back.  I hope we become more grounded in the little things.  I hope that people turn off their televisions, I would gladly get rid of most of ours - they steal so much away from you.  I hope that people start reconnecting as humans.  Not through electronics, not hiding behind keyboards.  But human to human.  

Well my mind has rambled enough, I need to go water the newly seeded grass and take care of a few leftover chores before starting on today's journey.  I'm making my girls' family a lasagna dinner today, they love it and she's working hard, it's a surprise, shhh... she doesn't read my blog so I am safe.  

Find some time that really fills your soul, in whatever way it needs to be filled.  Soak up some sunshine, walk in the fresh air, work in a garden, spend time with family and friends.  And forget the negative, petty crap that is being thrown around like confetti.  Simply say a prayer or send some positive energy their way and keep on keeping on... 

love and peace...

be the garden...

Whew... I think we have been at a dead run for a bit now.  I got all of my "chores" caught up yesterday, we had a wonderful dinner with the oldest, her hubs and the oldest grand. And then we loaded up the back of our pickup with TONS of stuff for the new camper.  

The oldest just sold hers they weren't using it enough.  I think they were suffering a bit from the same illness we had the first time, their camper was simply too big.  You always think the kids are going to join you, that you are going to go on all these big adventures, etc.  Then the reality of towing a huge camper and no kids joining you kicks in and it stops being fun, it becomes drama and a chore.  That is why we refused to get a big one that was hard to tow this time.  Anyhow, they were awesome and gave us all kinds of stuff for our new home on wheels!  

aren't they adorable?

Sweet Hubs woke me up bright and early so we could take it out to the camper before he had to be to work.  Far too early for that.  I mean, not even a first cup of coffee.  I'm just playing, I was excited to get to spend a bit of time on her this morning.  Took some measurements, ordered sheets (I'm fussy about sheets) and spent the drive time searching for the things that will make it more personal and less.. well cookie cutter.  To truly make her ours!

After warming up my coffee I'd planned to head up to sew.  I have so many projects swimming in my head, and wanted to get busy.  Yet as I stood at the window, I realized the treetop garden was feeling neglected. I might have bothered a bunch of birds, but all the boxes are weeded, I harvested this years batch of cow peas and set them to dry (I'm thinking of planting a few more boxes with them) and finished tidying up.  

cow peas

I think the stress of the impeding surgery and my fear of not being able to do what I want is starting to dig into my head, hard! I know it will only be about a month that I will be completely slowed, but that month feels like years in my mental state right now, and the fact that I don't truly know the limits or constraints is making me a bit cranky. I remember Hubs through both of hip surgeries and I feel I can work around most of those restrictions, but I am not so sure about the knee.  Doc said it was harder.  I don't want it to be harder when "harder" is undefined. 

Okay enough of the pity party. It will be what it is, and what it is meant to be, right?

In a short bit, I will head up to my sewing room.  I have so many projects going on right now that I need some completion.  They aren't huge, but they are there. Hubs is almost finished with his project, it's going to be awesome!  But as he is a new quilter, so to speak, I need to be very present when he's sewing to help keep him moving forward. 

While we were in Paducah I stepped outside the box for me and finally bought fabric for a quilt for me. It won't take long to piece, I am going to use the same style I did with the one that my youngest grand has claimed, just bigger.  The shocking part is that it's for me.  I think I have lost track of all the quilts I have made over the years.  Every now and then in my sewing room I run across a pile of fabric leftover and remember another one that I made for someone else. There were so many I wanted, but I never got around to making.  I don't know that I will start this one until after surgery, I think I will use the time to clean up what's started so I don't stress. 

It's also time to start deciding on next moves. The slow two step is coming to an end, it's time to start lighting a fire under the ideas.  I need to start my Etsy shop and I am toying with the idea of getting a booth at The Painted Tree.  I just want to talk with my girl first.  I would like her help in bringing that to life, she is incredible at design and marketing.  Luckily, I won't be ready for a bit, because she travels like a crazed woman in the summer. 

For a few days at least, I am sliding comfortably back into my calm world. I have quilts to plan for several new additions to the extended family, I might have bought some adorable fabrics for those also.  I am so blessed and thankful for the time to create and follow my own passions and dreams. 

I also need to squeeze in a few soap making days, the stash is getting low.  Hubs is desperate for some avocado soap.  He won't eat avocado's without extreme protests, but he will definitely shower with it.  There are times he cracks me up. 

I'm super excited that I might be getting a commission to make a memory quilt.  I hope they decide to entrust me with their precious memory treasures.  Honestly, these are my favorite kind to make.  It fills my heart with joy and love to be able to help someone heal from the pain of loss.  To fill the stitches and work with positive love and healing energy as I create a quilt for them to wrap themselves in when life gets too big without the one you love.  The last one I made like that wraps my grand baby up in her Dad's love when she feels the need for his closeness.  There is simply something comforting about it. 

As I am moving through all these changes and different ways of thinking, I keep thinking about something I read something yesterday (several times ironically), "I'm tired of being the water, I want to be the garden", at first it confused me.  I struggled with it.  But as I sat with it for a bit and pondered the words I started to hear words from my reading in Paducah wrap around it.  I don't believe in coincidences, I believe that things appear when we are ready and we need them.  

2021 has been a year of changes and growth for me.  I can say growth now, because I realize the me sitting here typing today, is not the me of a year ago. I think I have finally realized that I need to be the one getting the water, the one that isn't doing for everyone else.  That has been my journey this year, I know that now.  I am definitely not finished growing, none of us ever is.  I am just finally learning that doing for other's (something I love to do) can be detrimental to me as a human if I am not also doing for me.  

My watering can ran seriously dry over the past few years.  I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.  Yet in typical me fashion, I continued to try to pour out everything, into someone else's garden. I've learned it's not healthy, it doesn't make you happy and frankly it can't make other's happy either.  Because somewhere along the way you lose the spark that makes you magical. 

While there are moments I truly miss people that made up the every day fabric of my before life.  My current life fills and waters the garden of my soul.  

No regrets. Life should bring joy and happiness.  You should feel fulfilled, not drained.  My personal garden is being watered, is yours?