the other side...

Adjacent opportunities.  I've drawn that particular energy card three times in the past week.  It's a beautiful card that is asking me to look at other possibilities.  Pointing out that there are other paths that I might not be seeing right now.

When I woke up at 4 am today, I had no intention of being up so early.  After all it is Sunday, the Y is currently closed and I know that my phone will not ring with a member concern.  I had turned off my alarm, to hopefully allow my weary mind and body some rest.  Yet there I was, awake.

A million thoughts have spun out of my mind over the past few weeks.  Was it really only two weeks ago that we were all semi-joking about the fact that it was going to be a roller coaster of a week.  I mean it started with a time change, a full moon and ended with a Friday the 13th.  It was my RMOD weekend, so I was braced for the insanity to begin.  I was hopeful, but cautious just the same.  I sat in a leadership meeting that had a solid plan for all of us if this coronavirus became a real threat to us. 

It seemed distant and strange.  I was still struggling with how I felt about it.  Was it real, was it something being "spread" by the media to frighten us?  My conspiracy theorist and questioning heart and soul were struggling to process this... well... thing.

That week had been filled will LONG days and I had to work that next day.  Normally after those meetings I head home.  For some reason after chatting with various people, wrapping up various things... I had one of those feelings.  Getting into my car, I'd called Hubs and said "I have to head to the branch - I don't know why, but I think I am going to be needed there".  I don't know that I have spoken truer words in a long time. Friday the 13th started this spiral that keeps getting bigger and honestly at time a bit more frightening and overwhelming.

I reached out to my team, asked those planning to head home early (after all it was Friday) to wait, just about the time I got the text directing us to stay at our branches and be prepared.

I'm not sure there is a way to be prepared. Over the past ten days we have cancelled programs, closed our buildings, cleaned, cleaned and cleaned some more. Unwilling or unable to leave my team unsupported I had been staying through all the shifts, cooked soup and chili, tried everything I can to help them feel loved and supported - truthfully I have probably failed quite miserably.  These times have never existed before. I can only lead with my heart and hope and pray they know that I am here for each of them.

They are amazing and the laughter that has filled our building as we've done the Covid Shuffle and lifted and supported each other has been incredible.  They have filled my heart with so much love and light, and for that I am truly blessed. 

I went home early on Friday - my car needed serviced and I needed to get it done, just in case.  I followed social distancing rules and took care of what needed to be done.  During that time we got the news that Illinois was issuing a stay at home order. I spent a bit of time chatting with my boss and determining what that meant for my team.  Several of them live in Illinois.

The spiral was getting larger...

Yesterday the county and city issued the same order.  I am a tad unclear on the timing, it sounds like the county will "lock down" first. I do not envy our leadership team.  Everything is changing by the moment.  It's a time of taking a breath and everything changing from when you began the exhale.

Hubs and I are trying to process this ever evolving chaos.  We are sorting through what it all means, or trying to.  We both have two paths we are looking at.  We both serve at the Y. That is our chosen career.  Which also means that whatever happens, will happen to both of us. For me, I do not know that we will be essential, I do not know if that means work from home or PTO, or... well... I don't want to go down that rabbit hole right now.

Hubs is in a slightly different career field that is more essential than I am.  There will be work for him to do to keep the buildings safe and secure.

It's the unraveling feeling that is disconcerting. It's like being on a ship, being tossed in the waves.  Every moment that you catch your breath, that you feel steady and stable... well blink... it's changed.

I am going to go retrieve my plants from my office.  They have value to me.  They are living.  They bring me joy.  The rest of it can sit there for a moment.  I am sure the day will come that I will either go back for good or at least to retrieve the rest of it.

I read something powerful the other day.  It said those that make it through this current storm will be those that are adaptable and can change. Those that have the ability to be fluid and adapt to whatever comes.

We are never going back to where we were.  Those times are gone. 

But there are always adjacent possibilities.  Yesterday, I didn't accomplish much.  My heart was heavy, my brain was processing the chaos and storm.  When I woke this morning, after doing my energy exercises, I chose to do a meditation for healing and health. I have cleansing music playing right now and my heart and soul feel strong and fulfilled.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I know it will involve a lock down of sorts.  It needs to. People simply don't seem able to listen. The rest of the dance?  Well it isn't written yet. I might be spending hours calling people and doing wellness checks, I might have work and activities assigned to me. 

Or... I might be on PTO, with however many paid days off I have stretched out before me.  I might have time to declutter and clean, to create both physically and mentally, to prepare meals that will fill our bellies and our hearts. To work on my yard and actually create a garden on my deck.

Or... well let's not throw that thought out into the universe. 

Whatever today brings, I will face it with love and grace.  I will thank the universe for the gifts it has bestowed and look for the good in all of it. I will cherish the slowness that my heart and soul have longed for.  I will laugh and love.  I will spend time enjoying sunshine with my dear Hubs and my sweet pup.  I have time to connect with family and friends.

Maybe this is truly a time a healing and we are missing it in the fear. 

I believe humanity and our dear earth have needed this cleansing and healing. 

Hand on my heart, voice to the heavens I give thanks and love to all!

In the early morning darkness...

I'm up way too early after staying up way too late.  I don't know if I should be annoyed or thankful.  I woke up with a start at 5:42, actually it was more of a growl than a start. Something dinged on my phone, I was already sleeping fitfully, so it shouldn't have surprised me to get woken up by such a soft sound.  Hubs was up, for a minute.  I vaguely remember growling I'm not awake yet to his cheerful good morning. Next I knew he was sleeping soundly beside me and I was wide awake.  My mind running as fast as it could pointing out all the things I needed to do this weekend, but hadn't even started and a full day was gone.

Disappointment at not snoozing was eating at me, I really wanted to sleep in.  I know I will regret it later today.  That new yarn I wrote about, had captured my attention a little too strongly.  While watching a bit of television with the girls (who decided to come visit their Dad), I decided to cast on.  I wanted to feel that 100% baby alpaca yarn wrapped around my fingers.  It's so soft, so warm, I just couldn't resist it.  I believe that I have freely admitted to multiple addictions... coffee, fiber, fabric, wood, paint... yeah you get the picture.

I just kept wanting to see a bit more of the pattern emerge.  Mesmerized by the colors coming together.  I must be in a blue/white/red/burgundy mood... as I seem to be purchasing many things in those color schemes.  I don't care, those are going to be gorgeous mitts and I will do the other set reversed.  That way they will match my pretty red/black winter coat that I completely love. Each row was showing itself with more and more of the pattern and color blending.  This set is in ecru/burgundy tweeds.  I like.  Not sure I love, but I really like.  We will see.  The softness will win me over, I know it will.

For the first time I feel selfish with my knitting.  I want to make something for others - always.  But for some reason, I hardly ever make for me.  And now, I finally feel the need to make for me.  Hubs started to suggest I make the girls mittens.  I am not sure that will happen.

I have made them many things over the years. Socks, sweaters, hats, wristers, quilts, afghans, etc... and they have kept and cherished none of it.  I am not feeling a need to make things that will not be wanted and cherished anymore.  I am not picking nor being negative.  They are young, I am an old soul.  To me the greatest gift you could give me is something you put your heart and time into making for me. In my heart those were awesome gifts, the kind I loved to receive from my grandmothers and great grandmother when I was young.  Then again, like I said I am an old soul.  I still believe in hope chests and tradition. You can't buy me happiness. The greatest treasures are homemade.

I am proud of myself.  I haven't even picked up my knitting.  I want to.  I keep looking over, and then I force myself to look away.  Christmas must be tucked away.  The house must be cleaned. The bills must be paid. The critters need their spaces cleaned.  And then, only then will I allow myself to put a few more rows.  Only then will I get lost in the beauty that is emerging.  The mind numbing peace of knit, throw, knit, pick... the rhythm making me feel such a deep connection with the past.

How will you spend your Sunday?