the gift of time...

Dearest Mother Earth, thank you for the gift of this beautiful rainy autumn day. Thank you for the gift of stopping and slowing down.  Of doing the things that fill my heart and soul with love and joy.

This day has been just what I needed to soothe my weary soul.  When it is nice and sunny outside mentally I have to be "busy".  Running errands, accomplishing to do lists that seem all important.  Does the yard need work, do I need to go and do... I see a sunny day and my mind kicks into over drive.  I feel guilty wasting the beautiful day.

I originally woke at 3:30 am this morning.  Hubs and I are in an ongoing battle with our Nest thermostat.  We are very worn with it changing the temperature we set.  It seems to always want us warmer than we want to be. This morning, it woke me up over heated due to the fact that the heater we set at 67 before going to bed, somehow miraculously reset itself to 70 overnight.  After resetting it to 67, I decided to read, I didn't want to be up.  I have been doing far too much of that lately and it is wearing me down.

It wasn't raining as I lie there reading and trying to fight off that ever present to do list in my mind.  I was very aware that this is my only day off this week.  That there was much to accomplish or at least that is what I want to make myself believe, but I simply didn't want to be awake.

As the heater stopped pumping that warm air around me and I cooled down I felt the heavy presence of sleep beckoning me back.  Next thing I knew, it was 8:30 am and what woke me was the pounding of raindrops hitting the chimney top.  The wind whistling reassured me I wasn't dreaming.  I'd just mentally been gifted a day!

Still semi-asleep I navigated the stairs to the kitchen, in search of coffee.  I never get that much sleep and almost felt drugged from it. My sweet Hubs had just the cure, Lucy's and coffee... Yum! If it didn't wake me, it might put me back to nap time.

He joined me in the living room, hot coffee, windy rain, and a television show about the infancy stage of technology.  It was quite interesting.  I sat and mindlessly knit for a couple of hours, no guilt was present.  It felt so wonderful.  The yarn sliding through my fingers, the needles rhythmic clicking, the rain, the wind, the wind chimes sweetly moving. 

It was about an hour in, that I decided to relish and savor this gift of a day.  Groceries could wait, laundry... that too!  I was stealing this moment in time.

After our show was over and I'd switched to straight black coffee, I mean I wanted to enjoy the day not drift through it in a blur, I sat for a moment and pondered what I wanted this day to hold.  Hubs went upstairs for his morning nap, and I watched a few lessons.  Glancing up several times to watch the brilliant red orange tree outside my bay window doing some crazy swirling dance. 

For a moment my eyes rested on my neglected spinning wheel.  But my heart wasn't being pulled there, it would have to sit for a bit longer. As I got up to refill my coffee I walked past all the piles of soap making supplies that had arrived.  My favorite company has a large sale on kits, so I got the bonus of more molds and everything pre-measured.  As my gaze lingered a few more moments, I decided I might as well whip up a couple of batches of the melt and pour Cashmere that Hubs likes.  And that Galaxy Soap was definitely trying to get my attention.  Why not...

Oh wait... yep the linen that I had purchased to make dishtowels was calling out from my sewing room.  The soap was going to have to wait.  Full cup of coffee, phone to provide soothing music and I closed myself into my sewing room.  It's the first project I have worked on since cleaning it.  It was such a soothing experience to walk in, have everything at hand and simply start.  No clearing space, no digging through piles, simply a space and time to start. 

I will admit there was a moment of panic when I couldn't find a single measuring tape.  Not one.  And I have LOTS!  Opening my antique cabinet from Poland I quickly discovered the drawer that I had stashed them all and I was off and running.

I know that you can buy dishtowels super cheap - I get it.  I mourn that we have reached a point in our world where people just rush out to the store to purchase whatever is needed.  Where we are less self-sufficient and more wasteful of resources.  I long for days gone by, where there was a plan for things like that.  Where making a dishtowel was common place, a necessity to be able to accomplish chores.

It only took an hour to cut and sew the seams on the linen.  I knew they needed to be washed, dried and then ironed before they could be used. Supposedly, they will never need to be ironed again.  We will see.  They are also supposed to be super absorbent.  I'll do some dishes later to give that a test.

I ultimately decided to make a couple batches of the melt and pours.  They turned out very nice.  Hubs is already eyeballing the Galaxy with its soft violet scent, he is my official soap tester, he requires lots of lather and a good scent for it to pass his test.

Now the towels are done, oh yeah, I might have finished some other mending that had been waiting for my attention (I will always fix something if I can, I hate to through things out). The soaps are mostly out of the molds - these ones don't require sitting to cure - they are ready to roll.  I've done several lessons and sat and rested.

This gift of a day, has been exactly what I needed.  A chance to rest, relax and catch up.  Mother Earth knew what my heart and soul needed, this rain was supposed to be gone by ten.  Here it is after five and it's still raging on. 

In a moment Hubs and I will get dressed, we are going to stop by a Halloween party that my boss is throwing, we ended up missing it last year. After that... maybe I will do a few of those "chores", since I will already to be out and about.. That way tomorrow only involves me working on my lessons, a day for cooking and learning new skills...

We will see.

lazy thoughts...

What does one do on a dreary October morning?  When the sky can't decide if it is a day of rain or shine?  Well this one has her sweet hubs build her a beautiful fire, puts on a snuggly wool sweater, pours a cup of coffee liberally laced with her favorite bourbon cream and she rests. She rests my answering emails to family members, watching the sun lighten the gray sky and looks at the leaves through the picture window as they turn amazing colors.

Isn't that what one should do on a morning like this? Hubs even brought me breakfast, slices of fresh farmer's market bread lavishly spread with maple whip.  I love our farmer's market. 

Hubs and I were hoping to get a motorcycle ride along the river road.  It doesn't appear that Mother Nature wants to cooperate. The temperature is perfect, it's the possibility of rain that is keeping us home.  He's down in the man-cave, I can hear his movie, we both need some relaxation time.

I am feeling marginally better.  And a nap might be in the plan for today.  I am also longing to make some soaps, Hubs has been on a mission lately to share them with all of his friends.  I need to build my stash back up.  Besides, Christmas is coming, I need to have some for my loved ones too.  Most of what lives in my stash right now is the stuff that didn't quite work out the way it was planned and it's my home use stash.  The uglies, perfectly usable, beauty in the eye of the beholder.

I also need to find a few hours for my cooking class.  I am a bit behind.  Need to go buy a white bowl and plate, they are required to submit your cooking pictures. Figures I don't have plain white, guess I am going to the dollar store. Mine are all pretty and busy, but I understand them not wanting the dishes to take away from the overall presentation.

Does anyone else get a sense of the clock racing forward once we hit October?  I always feel that April through August drags on, fairly certain that each month has at least 45 days in it and then it starts racing as we hit first September and then OctoberNovemberDecember... like it is all one run on sentence.

All the things I planned to do, get swept up in that where did the time go momentum and I just ride the wave and hope it turns out perfectly.

Before I know it my sweet boy (he will always be my boy) and his lady will be flying in from the coast, we will have two full weeks of love, laughter, games and experiences and then they will be gone again.  I hate that they are so far and life is so busy.  I would love more than the random week or weekend with them. So hard to believe he will be entering the last year of his 20's soon,  I've missed so much of it.

I'm still digging through the family tree and keep finding treasures I didn't know existed.  I wish that I could uncover the missing pieces to Hubs tree.  I feel a bit guilty that every time I blink there is new and exciting things lingering in my own tree and on his I am still stuck! I have no idea why roots and family are so important to me.  They just are.  I think it is probably connected to being a brat and not knowing my family.  I am enjoying chatting with a cousin lately, getting to know her has been interesting and fun.  Understanding where we are similar and where we are different.  It's like watching a flower unfold. 

This lazy day is starting to look prettier and I probably should get busy.  So... clean, soap, laundry, cook... my oh my the choices and opportunities are endless, sadly I feel a nap is first on the agenda. Hubs and Neeko have already beat me in that department. I hate the beginning of the school year colds that get shared so often. I often feel that I do not have enough time for the things important to me, so losing any of that time to extra naps feels so wasteful.

The fire has died down to embers and my coffee is cold.

Time to savor the day...

beautiful...

Snow.

Precious, beautiful snow!  My Pennsylvania heart is over flowing.  It might be in my blood to love HUGE amounts of snow.  Especially as I have hardly ever lived in Pennsylvania (I will always claim it as my own though).

Oddly, by Pennsylvania standards, this is probably just a dusting.  By Missouri standards, well... The shops didn't need to worry about food spoiling when they closed yesterday.  It was all wiped clean, a complete run on the market so to speak.  I asked Hubs to grab some eggs and dog treats yesterday.  Because I'd used the last and finally had a day to rest, I might make eggs for breakfast. 

I didn't think that was going to be a major undertaking, I mean, 10 minutes tops... right?  WRONG!  He sent me pictures from the store.  Black Friday had nothing on folks that faced the potential to be home bound for 24 - 48 hours.  Suffice it to say we might not eat at home enough as a population if that was any indication.  My response to the pictures was ah heck no, we don't need eggs that bad, I can make something else for breakfast, go home.  His response?  No way!  I have been standing in this line for 45 minutes!!

What?

That alone perplexed me.  I hadn't attempted to leave work yet.  We closed early, but myself and two of my team couldn't leave right away.  We had friends that didn't feel our safety on the road was important.  Let's leave it at youth today are not being brought up right, and there are some parents that need to start being a bit more involved with them.

Going home was Stress 101. I am sure that I might have earned a degree in that one last night. By the time I was able to leave almost all the highways were closed due to accidents and the side roads were very greasy.  It wasn't a huge amount of snow maybe 3 or 4 inches tops, but the city as a whole might have been caught with their pants down.  The front was moving in faster than anticipated and accumulating far faster than anyone expected.  MODOT was doing their best, but let's be serious here folks. It's hard to plow and salt when everyone waits until the last minute to close and thousands of people are trying to follow the rules and get home and off the roads.

Don't forget to add in the fact that most of the younger drivers around here haven't really had a snow event in their driving lifetimes.  Probably 90% of those that were off the road, spun out, in accidents etc last night that I saw had in all likelihood not driven on snow in those amounts in their lives. Or were just plain silly.  And by silly I mean it was probably not a good night to take your corvette for a spin and pick up trucks do not like snow, unless they are carrying a full load in the bed - even 4 wheel drives.  At least not in my experience and last night definitely drove it home.  It's also a good time to not be texting and driving.  Particularly on icy, slipper hills.

The number of cars abandoned, people literally leaving them in the middle of the road and leaving was mind boggling. It wasn't a blizzard.  And if folks had simply been patient and driven slowly and persistently, paying attention... I personally feel there wouldn't have been people still stuck on highways this morning.  And there are.  Truck drivers that have stalled and broken down on the highways have opted to climb into the beds and sleep.  Fair enough, except for the folks that are stranded because of your truck blocking the way and when your "rescue" comes they can't wake you up to move your truck.  Tad self-centered in my opinion. 

My 12 mile drive last night took 3 hours.  I went through parts of this city that I absolutely didn't know existed.  Between my GPS and my Dad's spirit, more than once I felt like I heard a voice say go that way, I managed to find roads that were plowed and uncrowded. My sweet little beetle was able to move around the stranded cars and went right up those steeper hills without fail.  And I only got 3 major scares of being hit, but managed to avoid all of it.  Note to friends driving in the snow for possibly the first time... don't floor it!  You will end up spinning and sliding.

By the time I turned down our cul de sac, which is not on the snow route, I was a bit concerned as the snow was all the way to the bottom of my beetle, she didn't let me down.  Just over 3 hours after walking out the door and starting the journey home I was safe in my garage. Thankful to finally be home. 

I found out later a few of my friends had been trying to get home for over 6 hours.  If I had known earlier I would have reached out and told them to head to my house - it was closer to where they were.  We could have shared a fire and dinner.

That is what I walked into the door to.  Hubs had made me a fire, there was a pot of bubbling beef soup and a jack and coke.  I definitely felt loved when I finally made it in the door.

Upon climbing out of bed early this morning I saw the snow had stopped, at least for a bit, it's falling again.  I was a bit annoyed to see the selfish neighbors hadn't headed the request to move all vehicles into driveways for the night (they have a very LONG driveway) so the snowplow's could clear the road.  Hubs and I will definitely have our work cut out for us if anyone is leaving our driveway today.  As will our neighbors, as the plow wasn't able to plow correctly and we have a small hill to move.

I had the pleasure of being yelled at in person, on-line and over the phone yesterday because our association made a decision to close early. Seems a lot of folks got released from work early for their safety and to let them get home and off the roads, which translates into, time to go play.  When I explained that I needed to send my staff team home to safety I was told we were selfish, they were demanding money back for the missed opportunity and basically being jerks. 

I'm confused by people anymore.  The lack of concern and compassion for our fellow humans is unconscionable. The rudeness, the entitled behaviors, the willingness to slip into ignorance and profanity, when did we start sliding down this road?

Shortly I will participate in a call to determine opening times today.  I know my personal thought, but I am a small cog in a big wheel.  We will do what is decided.  I am thankful that I do not need to travel today.  I have a team that is closer to our branch ready to go. 

I agree with MODOT, stay off the roads.  Let us do our jobs.  Truthfully, unless it is a true medical emergency, all of us could stay home for a day.  We could shovel our drives.  Have hot cocoa with the neighbors, build a snowman, sled a hill in our neighborhood, and take long leisurely walks in the beauty of the snow.  Make dinner and simply rest.  I know that not everyone has a fireplace, but if you do, put a log on.  Enjoy the nothingness that a snow blanketed world offers you.  In today's world those days are far too few and far too rare.  Lock out the chaos and enjoy this nature induced micro vacation.

While Hubs watches a movie, cable is out, I am going to sit here drink my coffee, enjoy my fire and candles, watch the huge snowflakes fall on my beautiful patch of woods and do a bit of work.  The peace and quiet will finally allow me to think. And who knows I might finally take down the inside decorations, work last week put me a bit behind.

Unless you have to, stay home, rest and be safe.

Welcome 2019!

Cheers!

Good Morning 2019!  I'm feeling a tad guilty about missing your arrival, please understand I am just not a midnight kind of girl. And in all fairness, I am only 5 hours late - there might be places still celebrating your arrival as I rub my sleepy eyes and savor my coffee.

I feel quite accomplished by the fact that I am up early enough to watch your first sunrise of the year.  So please don't disappoint. It was pretty dreary and blah yesterday as the rains washed away all the pain and negativity of 2018.

I don't do resolutions, why make a promise that you do not intend to keep?  I simply can't handle the failure factor.  While a friend of mine talks about intentions, and I do like that better, it still smacks of the possibility of failure, or at least letting myself down. Nope, that won't work for me either.

Nope, I don't want to spend a moment regretting not doing what I'd said I was going to do.  I've instead decided today seems like a good day to start a new journey.  It's one that I have been thinking about, planning, studying up on, planning some more, dreaming about, and all those other some day words.  I've been lazy about implementing them, because well... failure.

Some of the things are simply a return to a simpler time in my life.  I've gotten far too comfortable with convenience.  In fact convenience and I have developed an intense hate/love relationship.  It's time to break up.  I loathe going out to eat on a regular basis, I cannot stand the non-stop noise, waiting for water, the risk that it's simply not going to be what I really was longing for in the first place, the fear of how, what, why and how it was prepared, and the dreaded argument with Hubs.  "What do you want for dinner? I don't care what do you want?  I don't care, you make the decision".  This has the potential to go on for far too long, usually dissolving in one or the other if not both of us getting cranky and having a miserable time on top of iffy food.

Not to mention convenience has a price, and frankly my cheap heart is really struggling with it.  Yes, I'm exhausted at the end of most days, I somehow manage to always put in far too many hours.  And I get cranky when Hubs - who is also fairly also exhausted sits and relaxes while I cook. This is where the planning needs to kick in.  I simply need to make a plan on the weekend for the week and make it happen.  This fly by the seat of my pants stuff is definitely wearing me out, taking far more time, and stealing precious time from me, from Hubs from living a peaceful life.

I'm not delusional, every night is not going to be a 3 course meal by candle light.  Although, the time saved commuting from point A to point B alone is going to be enough time to light those candles and probably squeeze in a nice relaxing evening stroll after dinner.  And there are going to be nights that don't go as planned, I mean after all we both work for the Y and let's be honest, that is not a 9 - 5 job with an hour lunch break and weekends off.  Hence the planning, there has to be a plan B.

It's also time to start finally unpacking my house.  Yes, yes, I know I have now lived here going on 5 years, I am also painfully aware that there are still boxes and full rooms that I have not unpacked, or even begun to organize. It really has nothing to do with the new year, other than I simply cannot take it any longer. The past 5 years have been full of chaos, stress, starts and stops, and we have simply been floating along on the sea of unfinished business, I guess we thought the magic elves were going to finally finish the work. 

This year we finally tackle the man cave, the paint has been sitting there for months, the decorations are piled around the room waiting to be hung and decorated.  We haven't bought the flooring, although we picked it out about 2 years ago.  And maybe just maybe it's time to put up some curtains.

My sewing room, I believe I have mentioned that hot happening mess.  It's on the agenda.  My girl said it beautifully last night when she told me I needed to get it in order, that creating was essential to my soul and I needed to finally get on it. She's right.

And that silly thing called balance that I keep talking about, well, I can talk about it for hours, days and years, unless I make the decision and commitment to actually doing it.  Why not now?

None of it is going to happen over night, which is why I am giving myself a full year to accomplish things.  I've been so focused on things that don't make me happy, that give me nothing to chat with Hubs about, nothing that makes my heart soar with the "I did that", my very soul has been missing the important things in life.  So if not now, when? 

I'm a planner, I need time to think things through.  I've spent the past few months letting it drift along on the edges of my consciousness, the past 11 days I have dug deeper, planned harder, committed to writing my hopes, plans and dreams down in my planner in ink.  I find that writing it down, in something non-eraseable makes it real.  It forces me to commit.

So 2019... as I start this new journey, my heart is fully engaged.  It is not a resolution, nor is it an intention, it's a plan.  There will be missteps, there will be missed benchmarks.  There will be successes and joy.

Let's get the show on the road, Happy New Years Day!

how do you say hygge?

Are you living a hygge life? 

I'm not sure the first time I heard the word, probably in regards to certain essential oils from the company I buy most of my soaping supplies from. Being the type of person I am, I immediately started to explore what they were talking about.  Were they talking about fragrances or was it more.

What was this strange word that I definitely could not pronounce?  I am actually still struggling to say it correctly.  My brain completely does not see hoo-ga when reading those letters.  I'm not truly sure I have learned enough to fully know if I am even capable of living a hygge life. At least not where I find myself right now. 

Yet, while watching the flight progress of my kids - I hate when they are on planes - I worry endlessly, I realized that maybe the Dane's don't have a complete stronghold on this wonderful, hard to explain state of mind.

The bits and pieces that I have read thus far all talk about a sense of home, peace, a joy in the simple things, cozy, warm, welcoming, comforting and calm.  Granted they are things that I feel Hubs and I have moved away from right now, I also feel those very things pulling us back. 

After leaving briefly to drop the kids at the airport, we came home.  At first Hubs had wanted to go out and have lunch at one of his favorite places.  Then he remembered we had noodles at home.

Home was calling. 

We fixed a simple lunch and he headed up for a nap.  Me, I lit my candle, the same one that for some reason has burned most of the day and it's just a normal votive.  I curled up with some needlework and a historical documentary to keep me company.  The very act was working magic.  I was calming, I couldn't begin to tell you what I watched, I truly wasn't watching.   It was just background noise.

As the day wore on, I realized that without thought or planning we were doing so much that was listed as a reason the Dane's are some of the happiest people alive. Candles were burning, we shared mundane shows that required little thought - just allowed us to be together.  I made hot tea for each of us and while Hubs made his sandwiches from leftovers, I prepared my chestnuts to roast.

There were no screaming children.  The drone of noise from everyone around us was beautiful, simply by the absence.  We were in our own home.  We chatted and puttered in our kitchen, not making anything substantial, I started the beans to soak for tomorrow's dinner.  A bit later sweet Hubs made a tray of chocolate chip cookies.  Total indulgence, just being.  Our dinner is not going to win any awards for being nutritious for the body. The nutrients it fed our souls, I feel it held that in abundance.

I almost laughed over the fact that we were both wearing our lounging clothes.  Socks to warm our toes and neither of us in a hurry to put away the beauty of Christmas.  Allowing the calm and essence to simply fill our souls. 

We have a few errands to run tomorrow, I think both of us would prefer to stay in our comfy clothes and continue to absorb this hygge lifestyle that we are living without planning it.  For too long we have filled our non-working hours with errands, chores and somewhere along the way we - or maybe just me - forgot to stop and simply be.

Tonight when I spray my pillows and blankets with rose water, a new found joy of mine, it is so calming and beautiful, I will send all my gratefulness to the heavens.  As I do every night.  Yet tonight, I will also say a thank you.  I love when my eyes are opened.

I've been thinking and writing about my need for balance, a need to recenter and to move forward.  Mourning the loss of my garden that brought me joy, the lack of time to write and to create.  The loss of the things that bring me joy... and here it was in my power all along.  Feeling a bit like Dorothy tapping those red slippers together. 

All the things described above are things we always used to do.  We saved dinners out for special things, now that is cooking at home.  We somehow foolishly gave up the very things that made us feel whole.

Hubs asked if we could go riding next Saturday - it will be fairly warm.  Normally, I would feel that I was giving up time to do tasks.  Today, after this time of realization, I was excited at the idea.

Is this sudden massive following of hygge, this quest for balance and happiness, an indicator that we as a society have forgotten to simply be?  I would hazard that is a big yes!

I'm going to continue on this path.  I like the way it feels.  It reminds me of when Hubs and I were first married.  We didn't have much money, but we definitely made time for each other and we were creative in finding ways to spend quality time together and not spend a lot of money. 

Anyone else find that they are traveling the same path?  That without realizing it they are following a hygge life and probably could count themselves as some of the happiest people in the world? It's not about money, it's not about being social.  It might just be designed by introverts like me, what are the odds of a whole country of introverts? I am going to continue studying, striving to understand.

Now where did I put those cards?  Maybe I can talk Hubs into a Rummy rematch tomorrow... I mean, do we really need groceries?

healing and growth...

Today's silence makes me sad. It's that lonely one that comes about when the presents are all opened, the meals have all been shared and the magic that is Christmas starts to wane.  

I hate it. 

The last two kiddo's have headed home.  Dropping them at the airport caused me to cry.  It always does.  Probably because I never know for sure how long it will be until I get to spend time with them again. My boy is starting a new job next week, making travel plans difficult for both of us.  

I try to console myself with the knowledge that what is meant to be will be and that we will make a visit happen at some point.  I have been blessed to see my west coast babies twice in one year this year, who knows maybe next year will bring the same blessings. 

While chatting with my youngest this morning as he played his new favorite game on the computer I was doodling in my planner for 2019.  Starting to organize my thoughts, my plans.  

I've determined that 2019 is going to be the year of less. 

Like I said this rat race is wearing me out.  There has been a lot in 2018 that has worn me out and made me feel off balance, out of sorts, not moving in a positive direction. 

A couple of weeks ago I had someone tell me that I come from a long line of healers.  I sort of laughed, especially when she said that I am a healer and I am not following my destiny.  I truly believe I come from a long line of healers, how you define that depends on you and your beliefs.  I don't doubt it runs deep and strong.  In this generation many of my family are in the medical profession. 

I believe that you can heal in different ways. It isn't always about physical healing. I will never work in the medical field.  It is not my path.  My belief system runs counter intuitive to that.  Heck I don't even like being prescribed medications.  Yet I believe strongly in healing. 

I also believe that you cannot fill another's cup from an empty vessel. 

2018 has emptied my vessel.  

I've given pretty much all I personally have to give.  My plans for 2019 are to heal myself.  To refill my own reserves, so that I can continue to share.  I am also at a point in my life, that I am finally ready to give myself permission to explore the things that I want to learn and grow from.  

Other's opinions be damned.  

I need to clear the clutter that surrounds me. Physically and mentally.  

Hubs and I are always saying we need to clear out the garage, the storage room, etc.  I haven't even set up my craft/sewing room.  It's a room filled with stuff that doesn't even belong there, junk and clutter abound.

My sweet daughter must have felt my soul's needs before I did. Almost all of my Christmas presents from her are to make my room not only beautiful, but functional. Including the words that will go on the wall stating "The desire to create is one of the deepest longings of the soul". Those words are very true, particularly for me. 

I don't know that I will start today, but I might, I want to clean out my room.  I want to donate the stuff that I have "hoarded" for far too long.  Years of living where the items needed for my projects were too hard to get or not having the money to get more supplies lead to the obsession.  An obsession that I am ready to let go of.  I want to clear out the chaos, I want to donate the items I've been saving for some day to people that might actually use them.  I want to create a functional and cozy space.  

Somewhere I can refill my bucket.  A place to find the salve that will heal my broken parts.

Over the course of 2019 I intend to shed a lot of things.  Not all of it will be physical possessions.  

I've already started a bit of it on social media.  I'm tired of the sinking feeling that we are all being manipulated on a daily basis.  That others are pushing us with their beliefs and ideals and we are simply moving along based on whoever is yelling the loudest.  I've deleted a lot of sites I used to follow.  I've unfollowed friends that I find cause angst in my heart. I will never tell anyone how to think or feel, I grow weary of people saying and doing the same things they are criticizing others for.  Name calling, bitterness and anger driven righteousness is not right no matter who or what you are shouting for.  

I think things were much simpler and kinder back when the motto heard around the country was "live and let live".  It's where I tend to exist.  As long as your choices are not harming me or the ones I love, I will never challenge your rights to think, feel or act in a way that makes you happy.  Each of us has the right and the responsibility to live our life to the fullest without harming another.  So part of my healing is removing myself from those realms.  It's not out of lack of love for others.  It is purely self-preservation. 

As 2018 draws to a close I'm choosing to take the painful lessons I have learned this year and use them to my advantage.  I want to live a life full of love, cherishing time with family and friends, I am going to work on more balance and less stress.  

I can't go back and change the past.  I can't make the trips that I put aside because there will always be tomorrows. Guess what - there isn't always going to be tomorrow, a painful reality that was driven home this year.  

I can go forward and take the lesson learned and grow from it.  I choose growth! There is much to learn, there are trips to take, there are adventures to have, and many skills to hone.  

I will also be finding more time for silence, sunlight and getting back to the very roots that make me strong. It's time to take chances and to live with abandon.

It's time... Anyone else planning a forward path this year? 

preparing...

Woke up a couple of hours ago to a message.  The kids were getting ready to board their flight home. They are on their way.  I'm so excited to see them and to celebrate Christmas with them today.  And at the same time I am feeling guilty.  I know they will be terribly jet lagged and I will be surprised to hear that the mini one slept much, meaning mommy won't get much sleep either.

And yet, I got up super early to prepare for our Christmas celebration.  I mean not that being home or any gift I have under the tree can compare to a trip to Germany and Amsterdam for Christmas, but... for me it will be the perfect Christmas wrap up!

I have a few errands to run and a few things to do today.  My oldest grand daughter text me a request for help and of course you know that I will make sure she gets all she needs.  I have a few presents still waiting to be wrapped.  I guess I could have done them when I was wrapping everything else, but honestly I was tired and knew it could wait, so... it waited.

I think my on-going theme for the balance of this year is that things can wait.  I am in no hurry to do anything, and honestly it feels like heaven! I'm spending more time enjoying things and less time being stressed about things I cannot control. It is amazing.  I wonder where I would have been mentally earlier in the year if I had taken the opportunity to do this.  I don't think I was in the right place to do this earlier.  Too many moving parts, too much that couldn't be put on hold.

I am a firm believer that there is a time and place for everything.  I definitely believe this is the time for this.

It's quiet, I know Hubs is up in his man cave, but he hasn't wandered to the main floor and I've been to busy to wander down the stairs yet, I will do that shortly.  But not right now.  Right now, I am feeling deja vu.  Kind of like that weird movie Groundhog Day.  I am sitting in the same spot, bathed in Christmas lights and candlelight, drinking my coffee and typing away.  I don't hear the wind chimes today, it's still out, the front that was rushing through yesterday dropping our temperatures has moved on. 

I spent a portion of yesterday completely phone free.  I was trying to get the Fitbit app to update.  I have reached the point I do not care if it ever updates!  Two full days of trying has me feeling less in love and more in hate with the stupid electronic tracker. But the time spent without a phone was almost magical.

Silly, I know, but it reminded me of years gone by.  Hard to believe as a teen we didn't even have a house phone much less cell phones, they were still a decade or more in the future.  If we needed to talk to someone we walked to the Bundespost (to use the phone if the person we wanted to reach had one) or to their house.  If they wanted to talk to me, they walked to see me.  There was none of this instant contact stuff. We also didn't have email.  It was slower, it was softer, life was far more balanced.

In fact stuff waited.

I got a little frazzled last night I was looking at the status of the update and checking the status of my kids' flight before I went to sleep and made the mistake of looking at my work email because those annoying little numbers were showing at the top of the screen. So I gave in and looked. 

I wished I hadn't immediately.  Everyone knows I am on vacation.  This year, I have desperately earned it. And yet there were emails asking me to take care of things and when I didn't reply, an exasperated one saying never mind I will have someone else do it. The someone else could have done it all along.  Why was it necessary to reach out to me?

The frazzled part was in the remembering that slower time and how we used to respect people's time away from work.  I can't remember which country, but I read not too long ago that there is a country that has said that expecting responses to emails after hours was basically illegal. Now I don't want to make technology go away, and there are times that it is critical to be able to do the things that we do.  And then there are times that it most definitely is not.  I think that is where I am at.  That line between the two is far too blurred.

I cherish that my daughter was able to send me a simple message that they were on their way home.  I hate that mundane things have been elevated to emergency status.  There are moments any more that I want to check out of the rat race.  Because the truth is the rats are winning. And I am finding that the more I return to a life of less, the happier and more well balanced I am.

Yesterday I finished the scarf Hubs asked for.  In case you hadn't guessed those pictures of yarn and knitting were the progress.  I started it on Tuesday as we headed south.  I finished it curled up in my favorite chair yesterday. Lost in thought as each stitch slid across the needles. I bounced between making lists in my head of gifts that have been languishing in my dreams for the people I love, plans for the future, and simple counting 1, 2, 3... as the hand spun alpaca slid softly across those warm wooden needles.  The fact that I spun that alpaca wool making it all the more precious to me.

Yesterday, cut off from instant communication, I found time to be more present.  I found myself enjoying the comfortable silence with Hubs that was uninterrupted. And I found myself thinking and dreaming more.

I was daydreaming about what 2019 could hold.  And making a plan to realize those dreams.  For years I have been planning a few of the things in my head.  Wait maybe not planning, because when you follow a plan things happen, so maybe just dreaming about them.  I am actually working on a plan now.

I'm sorting through the life I have, I'm looking at things through a clearer lens.  Balance has become imperative for me. If I don't find it, I will lose me and I'm not willing to do that. I'm weighing out friendships, hobbies, belongings, what I spend my hours doing and how to do them better.  I'm looking through what is important to me and what truly is not and evaluating why allow each part that is unimportant to even exist in my world.

I'm not ready to share it, it's still an embryo, but each day it is growing. 

For now, it's time to finish up the chores, wrap those last few gifts, plan a nourishing dinner and simply enjoy the day.  My babies are closer to home, according to the flight status they are just clearing the coast of Canada.

Soon...

being...

The peaceful days between Christmas and New Years are probably my favorite.  It's a time to relax and just unwind.  To enjoy the beauty of simply being.

When I switched Y's a few months ago one of my dearest friends gave me a candle and a small poster - it hangs where I can see it every day... it reminds me that we are not human doings we are human beings. That simply line has been a beacon for me this year, I just didn't know it at the time.

Hubs got me a new Chromebook for Christmas - it has tons of neat features, probably the best is that I can turn it into a full screen for watching video or make it into a tablet.  Initially I was upset.  I am on a journey to more me time and my brain freaked out - I immediately went down the path of work.  I didn't want to go there.  So I didn't.  I am refusing to even open my work email on my precious Chromebook.  It is strictly for me. For my journey.  I have a work laptop, it is with me most of the time.  This is for me.

Sitting here listening to my wind chimes and enjoying the mix of my candles, Christmas lights, and Dad's globe, I feel peaceful.  I don't feel hurried or rushed, I simply feel peace.

I have been craving peace for quite some time without truly realizing it. I don't think my mind made the connection between the things I was doing and searching for even if my heart and sub-conscious self had. As I have been scrambling for time to do the things that center me, that calm me, and feeling more frantic by the moment, my heart was trying to make my over busy mind slow down. To take stock of where I needed to be.

I am a human being.  I will only get one chance to live this life, and frankly I want to live it on my terms. Hubs and I have both said many times lately "remember when we could afford this", "remember how we used to spend our time", "remember making all of our gifts at Christmas"... the list has gotten rather long and distinguished.

Those of you that read my blog know that I have been neglecting it.  Along with most everything important to me as a person for far too long.  I've toyed with tucking it away with the rest of my untouched treasures and joys.  In fact I have almost stopped completely numerous times.  I have simply felt too overwhelmed with life. Too twisted up in the external that I completely ignored the internal.

This "vacation" has been what I needed.  For the first time in a very long time I feel calm and centered.  A holiday season that I was dreading has been almost life giving.  Hubs and I have completely thrown all of our traditions in the air like confetti and simply been.

We split up the gifting time with our children to work around their scheduled trip, tomorrow will find the joy of Christmas morning returning to our home, and our daughter's.  As we will celebrate once again upon their return.

We chose to celebrate our Christmas on the 24th, so that we had a time for just us.  To share the treasures that we had carefully selected and wrapped for each other.  In our comfy pj's, sipping our coffee and enjoying the fire in the fireplace.  It was beautiful.

Then we packed up our little car - loaded to the absolute edges - added our precious fur babies and headed "home" for Christmas.  I'm not from Arkansas, it has never been my home.  But it is where my Mom is... so it is home!  Such a joyous time. I missed my baby sister and her family, but truly enjoyed the time spent with my other two sisters and the kids that came.  My nephew always manages to show up when I go home.  I cherish that.  He has held my heart strong since he was a little guy, he radiates love and one of his hugs will hold you for a year or more.  I delighted in giving his boys their gifts and they definitely were the life of the party as they enjoyed them.

Tomorrow we will start again.  The kids will be home by the afternoon.  I am sure they will be exhausted. But they will be home! I've missed them something terrible.  And Facebook has been a blessing and a curse all at once.  Seeing them enjoying themselves has been bittersweet.  I want them to have an amazing time with their Dad, I want them to enjoy life to the fullest, but the childish side of me wants them here with me.  The baby sister and family will join us tomorrow.  The third sister and family will too.  Both of the grandson's will be present and it will be a time of love and joy.  It isn't about the gifts. It's about being present.

I've deliberately focused on hearth and home.  I've been creating the life I have been pushing aside.  I've been bringing back those "remember when" moments.

When I selected gifts this year, with care and love, I inadvertently selected hygge gifts for most everyone. Things that would provide something more to life than clutter and stuff.  Needed items, things to occupy the hours and hands and fill the heart calm.

The more I learn about hygge (hoo ga) the more I realize that it has always been a part of who I am at my very core.  I just didn't realize it.  I am not done with that journey, I need to dive in deeper.  I need to bring more of it back to who I am and where I am needing to go.  It's more than comfy woolen socks or a marketing ploy - which I have noticed some of the businesses are trying to make it.  It's far deeper than anything that money can buy.  In fact, it's not about money at all.

I feel 2019 is going to be an incredible year.  I like the path my heart is leading me to follow.  For weeks now I have been creating again.  I haven't spent every waking hour consumed by work, I can't do that any longer.  I've been creating soft spaces, I'm starting to cook again, I'm watching shows with my sweet Hubs and I'm excited for long walks in the crisp air with him.

I think I have finally found my personal path to balance.  I feel like I am going in the right direction.  I am learning things that bring me joy.  I am surrounding myself with energy enhancing people and experiences. I am getting back to who I am at my center.

I'm not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions - I feel they set you up for failure and disappointment.  Another friend asked about New Years Intentions - I felt I liked that more, but I feel that personally, I will use my new year as a chance to reset.  This time away has been just what the doctor ordered.  My headaches are fading, and while the muscle pain is still pretty strong - it is mellowing.

Candles, fireplaces, soft woolen threads and wooden needles. Calm, family, friends, quiet and more.  This journey of mine finally feels right.

I am challenging everyone I know to light the candles, read the books, lounge around in your cozy pj's or sweats or whatever makes you happy.  Create if your soul calls for it, enjoy family and friends without the phone or device in your hands.  Laugh and make make memories, and hold on tight to those "remember when" moments, while making even more of them each day. Cook dinner at home, listen with your heart and simply be present in life. We are all human BEINGS - we do best when we are being.

Now keep it going....