master of my fate...

 Yesterday was perfect.  It was just a day, but boy did we get some stuff accomplished.  Last night as I was ironing before going to bed (wanted to start the week with a clean-ish slate) I was reflecting on the day and the weekend, on life in general. 

My girl got me a simple bracelet, similar to one she got herself. It reads "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul".  Those words really resonated with me.  For too long that was a pipe dream, a fantasy that I longed for, or so it seemed.  It felt like my journey was being orchestrated by others and forces out of my control. 

As I stood there in the silence (Hubs had gone to bed and the radio station he was listening to had timed out) pressing the wrinkles out of the stack of work clothes for Hubs I was thinking. I kept playing those words over in my mind and thinking about their power and impact in my life. 

When my world changed last year it was powerful and dramatic.  It was painful on a level.  And liberating and joyous on another. A full year and a couple of weeks later it was simply the rebirth of me. To the second half of my life.  I was finally taking the steps that I longed to take, the journey to being my own master and captain.  It feels so good.  It is fulfilling on a level that hitting benchmarks set by other people cannot even compare to. 

Hubs and I had a busy weekend.  Very busy. Yet as we sat out on the deck last night and looked around it was with a sense of accomplishment and pride. We had done what needed to be done with our own two hands and our own skill set.  It isn't finished, not by a long shot, but we have made great progress.  As much as I didn't want to have to work in the heat this week to finish the outside chores, I am going to have to do a bit of it. It's okay.  I'm going to plan it as part of my early morning routine and get it done before the heat breaks through. 

Speaking with my sister last night, she was sharing about the chicken coop they'd finished and the garden her sweet Hubs created for her in the big field/yard that they have.  How they had repurposed some supplies that they had stashed around from other projects.  She shared pictures of her plantings and we talked about how bone weary tired we were.  Yet mostly we talked about the absolute sense of pure energy that doing all of that work for ourselves had created. 

It's different.  When you work until you are bone weary for yourself, for your own goals and purpose it is different.  It looks, feels, smells and tastes different. When you are creating the life and world that your soul desires, it's just different. 

It's not working and toiling for someone else's wants, needs and desires.  I wrote for years about my dissatisfaction with that way of life.  Of always longing to be more self-sufficient, to have more hours of my life to follow my own passions and dreams. To make my life what I wanted, instead of stuffing little bits and pieces into the corners to make it fit. 

Last night, I realized that while I might get tired sometimes, I am 100% living my life for me.  That I am able to do the things that fill my soul and give me a happiness and joy that I truly only dreamed of for a very long time. 

Do I wish that I was able to do this sooner, of course - who wouldn't, do I feel it came to me at the right time.  Yes!  

Today will be spent catching up on the things I didn't quite get finished this weekend.  We took some unscheduled breaks, went out for lunch at a place we just discovered - incredible Portuguese food, and then went and spent the day with the girl and her babies.  Her youngest son, I just realized he is not the youngest grandson any longer, cooked an amazing meal for all of us, he takes after his Dad in that aspect.  I felt like we were at a five star restaurant and watching him prepare her dinner and serve her filled my heart to over flowing! I spent about an hour later in the day talking to my boy and his girl.  They were out running errands in sunny southern Cali. 

I have finally reached the point in my life that I can take time to enjoy the good stuff.  And know that I will still have time to do the must do's.  It's pretty awesome! 

I love being my own master and captain.  I love exploring this new and wonderful world that is focused on the important stuff.  Sure I mourn the lost years, but I am not going to hold on to them or begrudge their existence.  They are what has helped shape the journey I am on now, you can't find your true path without taking a few winding roads. I learned so much during the first portion of my life, they are lessons that help me to navigate the beauty of now. 

Well, I've finally had a full cup of coffee, lots of puppy snuggles and I feel awake.  It's time to start doing the things.... 

love and peace...

the beginning...

This is by far my favorite time of the day.  Surrounded by silence. It's still dark outside.  The coffee is hot and my mind is still clear. The hustle and bustle of the world hasn't crept in.  

It's still. 

I thrive at this time of the day.

The peace of this Thanksgiving morning made me want to pause, to reflect. As I was waiting for my coffee and tidying up the kitchen to get ready to make pies my mind and heart started to drift backwards. 

Instead of a giant turkey sitting in the sink ready to be prepped for dinner there is a smattering of dishes from Hubs and I being too tired to wash them last night.  My counter tops are covered with painting supplies, not ingredients for a feast. 

For a moment in time, I felt disconnected. 

I remember almost a half a century of Thanksgiving dinners.  When I closed my eyes and stood there I could see my mom and dad starting the early morning prep when we were all so small.  Thanksgiving has always been wondrous, a time of gathering, a moment of pure love. I'm old enough to remember long before simple holidays were a reason for political statements and discomfort. 

I remember watching them prep that big bird, when you are a family of 6 with a guarantee of at least a few stray airmen far from home, it had to be huge!  The stuffing was made first, there is always a pot of giblets, gizzards, the heart, neck and Lord knows what else was pulled out of that bird simmering with celery, onions, water and whatever seasonings they felt needed to be added. 

Soon enough us girls would be coaxed into sticking our little hands filled with stuffing into that cold cavity.  I remember how absolutely gross it was as a little girl. I knew it would end up being wonderful, but that was not my favorite part of the day. 

Over the course of the morning any remaining sides and pies that hadn't been made the day before would magically start to appear.  Platters of olives, pickles, cheeses and crackers.  

As the anticipation of the Macy's Day Parade would grow like wild fire.  No matter where we lived we could always count on the parade and Santa kicking off the Christmas season. 

This morning I am wondering what a television only Macy's Day Parade would even look like.  I am in mourning for all that has been lost. I think I will skip it, I looked at the previews, I do not care about the commercialism that is left. I long for the marching bands full of kids that have worked so hard for that place of honor, the delight on the faces of the people bundled up and watching in awe.  The moment that Santa arrives, the sounds of joy and the laughter.  For me... I can definitely live without a stream of over-sized balloons hyping the latest toys and video games. 

We can't even go to our own Thanksgiving Day parade - as they are proudly boasting it will be a virtual hour long television special. No thanks.  The excitement of the moment, bundling up against the cold, maybe taking a thermos of spiked coffee and sitting with loved ones.  Enjoying the energy of the day and being together. 

So much has slowly changed over the years.  

Our boy and his girl got their Thanksgiving dinner delivered over the last few days.  It makes me beyond happy to know he will have his turkey, ham, cranberry sauce and Hawaiian rolls.  That is all he ever eats for the holiday.  His girl will make a few more sides that will suit her just fine.  I know their tree is already up because he sent me a picture the day it arrived. 

Soon my girl will be awake, for the first year she won't be cooking a huge feast today.  We are all going to celebrate with Hub's oldest girl for dinner.  

Last year at this time I was standing outside in a cold drizzle with my sister and her friend getting ready to step off on my first ever Turkey Trot.  It was so much fun, I was in good shape and looking forward to the long version.  Hmmm... hindsight being 20/20, probably should have done the short one, who knew Little Rock had so much hilly terrain? I won't be doing a trot this year - even if I could find a live one.  My knee is still ticked off at me from last year.  It was so much fun.  We were cold, wet and worn when we finished, but it was so worth it! 

Soon I will make the pies, pop the mixing bowl in the freezer and get ready for the day. But for now, I am lost in memories. 

Getting out the china, setting the table just so.  Always showered and in our Sunday best. Carrying dishes to the dining rooms of yesterday.  Dad is watching us from above, all of us have raised our own families and every year we are creating new twists on the old traditions.  Striving to make them work in this strange new world in which we now reside. 

My heart knows that this is simply a season in time.  I feel strongly we will once again gather, celebrate and rejoice with loved ones.  But I definitely believe it will never be the way it had been.  I still stand firmly that we are never going back to the way it was.  

I personally believe we are going forward to something full of love, personal power, and with a sense of gratitude and love that has been missing for far too long. I know personally I will cherish the ability to spend time with my loved ones, family and friends.  To feel the love coming from a true hug.  To sit with those I have missed for far too long and be filled with joy and gratitude at the most mundane chatter, simply because I can. 

I still long for those long, lazy days that were the start of the holiday season for me.  The frantic preparation of a meal that would leave everyone regretting that last wonderful bite, followed by a lazy food coma.  I miss the excitement of pleading with Dad (he was always the hold out) to decorate the house for Christmas on the day after Thanksgiving. I didn't know what Black Friday was until my late 30's.  It simply wasn't a thing for us.  

We looked forward to the start of the Christmas markets. Hot chestnuts fresh from the roaster, stinging my fingers as I peeled the first few, because patience is a virtue I don't always have. The hot gluhwein, steaming in the treasured little mugs, although I admit the last few years I fell in love with the Feuerzangenbowle at the Frankfurt market.  That rum soaked sugar dripping from the fire into the mulled wine was incredible. Definitely not a drink I can make at home. The little shacks filled with treasures, the smell of the wood burners making keepsakes, the glitter and twinkle of ornaments.  Candy shops filled with lebkuchen and iced treats, nuts of all kinds being roasted.  Oh the memories.

Tonight I will roast chestnuts - although not the same as fresh from the roaster, and I will warm a cup of gluhwein.  I will officially turn on my Christmas music (we all know that I listen to it year round - so...) and I will savor my absolute favorite time of the year. I will celebrate family and friends.  I might even spend a few hours writing out Christmas cards.  Dust off an old tradition, that this mailphobic crazed person has been avoiding. Goodness knows I've bought many that I haven't mailed over the years. 

But for now, there are pies to bake, memories waiting to be made. 

A few more moments in front of the fire, a few more sips of coffee. 

Don't let restrictions, fear, disagreements and all the rest of the crap 2020 tried to use to break our hearts work.  Find a way to reach out, find that moment to say I love you and I am grateful that you are in my life.  Share laughter, smiles and love. 

Enjoy this day and all that follow.  

grateful

Sitting out back with Hubs listening to the sounds of this early fall morning was such a refreshing start to the day.  The ducks and geese calling to one another as they are heading to warmer ponds.  You can barely make out the dark shapes in the sky, yet their call is echoing loudly. 

In the distance is the sound of the early morning trains, all of them seem to hit that part of the raised bluff between four and six each morning.  Last weekend we were at the site of the original tracks and the tunnel through the bluff, from when the Pacific was new.  It's now moved a short distance away, abandoning the tunnel. 

We were looking at the stars and planets, they seem to get more profound as the year has moved on.  I have seen several shooting stars in the past month.  In fact standing on this same deck on Wednesday night talking to my mom and watching the sky grow into the deep velvet that comes with the changing season I was blessed to watch one flash across the sky as it burned out. Seems I always see them in the direction of my daughters house.  I saw the last one while driving down there to pick up the baby a couple weeks ago. Today, we noticed how brightly several were sparkling.  Like diamonds, shimmering far off in the distance.  It was peaceful to enjoy. 

This week has been draining.  I can't believe that Friday has actually arrived.  I've been multi-tasking in the extreme and it is not my default method of working.  It drains me, stresses me out.  I am a linear person.  One task at a time, through to completion. But life lately has a way of testing all of us.  This week was a test for me. Trying to complete my own tasks, cleaning up the chaos left by a departing staff member, dealing with the hurt feelings caused by the chaos.  It's been a long and rough one. 

Yet Friday arrived, like it always does.  

This year alone has been brutal and draining.  Hubs and I both have so much vacation that we are trying to use up.  So today when I close my laptop, water my office plants and head home it will be for a glorious 9 days with Hubs and family. 

It will be a time of planning for the official start of the holiday season, I have to admit all the folks that have already started decorating have filled my heart with such joy.  Normally, I'm in the wait for Thanksgiving group, this year, driving home at night and seeing all of the lights and sparkling trees has filled me with hope. A hope I think I have needed. I am sure we will start decorating and wrapping a few presents up. 

It will also be a time to celebrate family near and far.  Our boy won't be home, but I am hoping to actually talk to him for the holiday. We are planning an adventure with the girl and her kiddo's.  Not sure if it will be all of them or just the girls.  And we are going to spend time getting to know Hubs' oldest and her family.  

A couple of months ago I got a text that took my breath away, for a moment.  Since September we have been on an interesting journey to say the least. I think I have talked about Ancestry a few times and a quest for more knowledge of the past.  Truthfully, I did not expect it to bring more recent stuff forward, although life being what it is, it definitely has done that.  I have had the blessing to meet a cousin I didn't know, but more recently we have been blessed to find that sweet Hubs had another daughter. Even without the DNA (which we have) you can tell by their smiles and loving spirits that they are blood.  

In the blink of an eye, through a Facebook message our family grew.  More to love and cherish! In a strange and wonderful way we now have another daughter, son-in-law and 5 more grands (some of which are married).  We've met the three youngest, not the oldest.  I see so many incredible traits that match my sweet Hubs in his daughter and 2 bio-grands.  Those genes are strong! They have the same smile and sparkling eyes.  And frankly that wicked sense of humor was not something I was expecting to be hereditary. 

We are blending our already very blended family even more, we are celebrating it all.  We are so very blessed. In our family - yours and mine equals ours.  We never had children together, yet here we are with a wonderful loving clan.  

This holiday season will be different, for many reasons.  Despite the state of the world, God has blessed us fully.  I am looking forward to spending time with our amazing family.  Having adventures with the girls & grandson, being part of sweet Hubs getting to know and love his oldest and the "newest" grands, missing my sweet boy and his girl - while figuring out ways to connect with them.  All while living my best life with my best friend!

Stress doesn't stand a chance when there is so much to be grateful for!   I guess I was feeling a bit sentimental as we head into the week of Thanksgiving.  Normally my Facebook feed is filled with everyone saying all the things they are thankful for, this year it's been oddly silent.  And sitting out back, drinking coffee and watching the sunrise, my heart was filled with joy.  I have so much to be thankful for.  And so many things to celebrate.  

I hope that each of you also have blessings, the gifts you have been given that you can take out of your heart and hold close, to remind you that even when things are stressful, tiresome and just plain soul wearying you are blessed!