upside down... right side up...

"Some days the best you can hope for is for it to be over!"  Seven years ago today I posted that on Facebook.  The irony is not escaping me. I don't remember the context, but I can imagine.  I remember what was going on in my world at that time, I remember the stress, anxiety, the desire to run. 

Who knows, maybe it is a 7 year cycle? Maybe I should have made a different choice back then.  Who knows maybe this is a chance to revisit those thoughts and make a different choice now. 

The wind chimes are loud and soothing this morning, yesterday had some serious storms, today is calmer and hazy, the sky is showing more blue, but oh that colder wind. 

It almost feels like my life right now. Some days are incredible.  Bright blue skies, warm sun shining down. Days that seem like they are full of love, light, energy and vibrancy.  The kind you wish would go on forever.  In typical winter, early spring fashion, they are few and far between. The remainder are a mix of volatility, rain, raging winds, no idea if you need a winter coat or a rain jacket, or if you need to brace for hail storms. 

I haven't written, because emotionally I have been in a crazy vulnerable space that felt far too private and fragile to share.  Not sure it isn't now.  Trying to see if I can without too much danger to myself.  Because that is how life feels right now.  Living on the edge of an eggshell field, afraid to take those steps, knowing I will shatter something and not so sure I can take anymore.  It's been a long time since I have been in this space. 

2020 was tough, but I didn't feel it truly change who I was as a person living this lifetime.  2021... has been a whole different ball game. It's been a brutal roller coaster ride that is exhausting.  As I started to write today, I noticed the last time I started to write was Feb. 1... all I wrote was "well..." I never got to finish it.  As I hit the little delete button I realized that simple "well..." pretty much sums up the past two months.  It defines all of it in a simple, exquisitely perfect phrase. 

Being ill earlier in the year has definitely left some side affects.  I am not an emotional person, or I wasn't.  That part of me faded away in a bitter puddle a long time ago.  I built walls (big walls) that very few are allowed inside of.  I have to trust you with my very life to let you in there. Being sick made me vulnerable, weak, a bit fragile (there is that dreaded word again - I know it is meant to be there, as it keeps popping into my head... but...).  It's been a while since I have felt strong, confident, able to tackle the world.  Even typing this is causing anxiety and the threat of tears burning at the back of my eyes. 

I went back to work on February 1.  I didn't expect a cake walk, but I wasn't ready for a shit storm. I'm still not.  Other's choices and actions have hit me hard.  I have had little to no time for myself.  I was supposed to go back on shorter days initially, but due to things out of my control I hit the ground running, and yesterday was the first time I didn't allow work to enter my world in two months. No text messages, no emergencies.  It was a day of beauty and peace.  Wine tasting and walking in sunshine (well at least for a while).  It was a time of laughter and joy.  I completely needed it. 

And as my sharp witted knee doctor pointed out (I really enjoy a sharp wit) any virus will attack your weakest spot, and the 9 days of illness had definitely impacted those darn knees.  I'm still processing that news. For now the latest treatment is working, the remaining list of healing attempts is officially much shorter and will need far greater consideration. 

4.5 inches gone... not looking so thin

The other issue is that my hair is falling out.  Not shedding as my stylist was so sweet to call it.  It's flat out falling out. As she put it "you are lucky you had so stupid much hair".  She's right, but still.  This one is feeling like an Achilles heel to me.  It feels like the purest definition of my life right now.  Completely out of my control. As a woman, average at that, my hair is super important to me, I am having a very hard time with this.  It's over half gone. 

That is how the world feels right now.  Everything feels like a misstep waiting to happen.  Every minute feels like waiting for another shoe to drop.  Not even sure if they are shoes, maybe they are anvils. I am reaching a point of wanting/needing to runaway to hide, to be simply done. 

I feel like an emotional wreck, walking through life with tears burning in my eyes and praying no one else sees them fall. 

My family and a few super close dear friends are the only place I truly feel safe and protected from the world. My sweet Hubs reassuring me that the handfuls of hair that fall out each time my head is touched do not affect his view of me, holding me while I cry out of sheer frustration at the world that keeps spinning faster and faster out of control, he is my lifeline right now.  The core of my support system.  I am so blessed. 

I know on a very basic level that none of these things are earth shattering, things I haven't dealt with before (well except the hair). Thoughts and feelings that I haven't encountered and conquered before.  But they are truly things that I am questioning if I want to conquer again. Are they battles worth fighting? 

I mean what's the saying "if a door closes it's not meant for you, quit pounding on it".   Is that what I have been doing?  Have I spent 7 years pounding on a door that I should have let slam shut 7 years ago? Have I wasted time, energy, talent and joy?  Has this all been a wake up call?  

Or is it simply a shift? I've been crazy introspective as I have been working my way through this year.  Trying to find my path. The only place I feel okay is when I am creating.  I can lose myself in the magic, even if I'm having to tear it out, do my research and start again it does not make me stressed in a bad way.  It frees me.  It beckons me to a new place. 

I am excited by things coming up in the near future.  I am making the decision to spend quality time with those I love, with family, with friends.  I need to figure out how to create solid lines, that are not able to be blurred.  I need to make the important things, the most important things. The rest, need to become the supporting characters. 

I have rambled and bared my soul.  If we are close, yet I feel distant, please know that it isn't you.  I am on a journey that is making me question so much about myself.  There are very few that I am willing to allow in.  I have little sense of safety in the world I am currently inhabiting.  It is simply a space in time.  I know this.  I will be back.  I just need some time to retreat, to heal, to experience and explore this current space I am in. 

It's time to lose myself, so that I can find myself...

shhhhh...

That's not your path, that is not the way you should go.  This is not the journey for you.  Do you ever hear those soft voices?  Do you listen or do you ignore them if you do?  I have always heard those soft voices in my head.  Too many times in life I have doubled down and run head first into those gates.  Willing to shatter them to bullheadedly have my way.  I didn't want to hear those soft voices.

Each time, it ended poorly.  I don't think I truly started hearing them until my world crashed down on me in 2002.  I fought like crazy, I knew better than the universe.  I knew better than all of the powers that existed.  I was going to have my way.  Period.

That year full of two's was a turning point for me.  A big one.  It was very late in that year, when broken, damaged and willing to give up, I finally chose to give in. I let the highest powers finally guide my life. I guess you have to hit that point, I guess when you are down as far as you have the ability to fall is the moment that you can finally learn to listen. 

I had to be humbled.  I had to be brought to my knees, literally. Once I gave up and stopped fighting, I was gifted with many things.  A new life, a loving husband, renewed health and a chance to find me.

Each year I have learned to be quieter to listen more carefully.

I am learning each day.  Today after work I decided I needed to walk.  It's been a rough week.  Full of challenges, full of things that a few years ago would have leveled me for a moment or two. I needed the beauty of nature, the healing power of the sunshine on my face and the joy that comes from simply being with the highest power.

I haven't mastered it, that is my current path.  Yet when I listen, when I follow where it leads me, I find greater joy in life.  It's the smallest things that fill my heart and soul with pure beauty.  I am trying to always follow where I am led.  Be it a walk in the park, into a conversation that needs to be had.  To a quiet dinner or movie with my sweet hubs, or even just a moment to unplug and create.

I am learning to find the paths that are meant for me.  As I was listening to my podcasts today and walking through those beautiful gardens I felt renewed.  It was talking about spending your time and energy on the good things and walking away from things not meant for you.  That life is supposed to be full of love, light, laughter and joy.  I could not agree more.

This journey is meant for me.  The sunshine, the peace, the steps, the food.  The time with my Hubs, my kids, my grand-kids, and my friends.  Frolicking with my sweet fur baby. And finding great peace and love in where my life is taking me. 

This is another year full of two's.  It's definitely going to be one that shapes and molds me...

powerful...

Strong. Steady. Focused.

This morning as the sky had barely started to lighten, still no promise of the rising sun gently kissing the sky.  I laced up my walking shoes and for the first time in three days I felt ready to deal with the world.  A minor bug had sidelined me a bit.  Life's way of saying stop, rest.

It was a whopping 25 degrees of bitterness, as it had been so cold before, it felt like a minor heat wave.  As I popped my earbuds in and opened YouTube - looking for the speaker my dear friend recommended (Abraham Hicks for anyone feeling so drawn) - there it was.  At the top of my screen "A Message from the Universe".  All decorated in pink flowers, bold and clear.

I was drawn to it.  At first when it said it was recorded in May of 2019, I almost skipped.  I told myself it was because I didn't want to take my gloves off to push the buttons.  That it was simply too cold.  Besides it was less than 15 minutes.  I could handle anything for 15 minutes.

I started my walk.

My steps were strong, they haven't been.  My energy has been very low and I've felt less than.  I wasn't fast, that is never the point of my walks.  I hadn't decided how far I was going to walk, just knew that I needed that time in the fresh air.  I needed to clear my head to be ready to face what promised to be a long day. I knew that the glittering stars and the crisp morning air was calling to me.

Initially, I was only semi-listening to the words in my ears.  I think I heard them, because bits and pieces were resonating with me.  I usually think about a blog while walking or in moments of peace.  So much inspiration is there when it becomes silent.

As I allowed my mind to quiet and my heart to start listening to the words, I felt validated.  I felt like it truly was a message that I needed.  It focuses on becoming selfish.  Not out of a lack of love for others, but out of a strong desire to be more loving.

It gave me hope to remain steady in my journey.  Each of us is on a journey.  Each of us has the absolute power to create a life of love, plenty, joy and fulfillment.  Not all of us are ready to hear that, to internalize it, or to move forward.  To be steady.

I am nearing the end of the 7th month of my journey, my intentional focused journey.  There are missteps.  There are moments that I feel defeated.  There are moments that I allow negative energy to invade my most inner energy.

And then magic happens.

Was it a random algorithm that selected that as my listening option this morning?  There are thousands of other talks that could have shown up.  There are other speakers, topics and directions the algorithms could have selected.

This mornings talks held me focused.  They reassured me that I am on the right path on my journey.  That I am healing my body, mind and spirit.  As I wandered my neighborhood at a steady pace, I was able to bask in the brilliance of a breathtaking and inspiring sunrise.  As I came around the corner at the crest of the hill I was walking on, I had to stop to take the picture.  To capture the gift given to me. Another mile in I was able to lift my face to absorb the rays of a dazzling early morning sun that filled the horizon before my steps.

As I completed my remaining laps and listened intently to the series of 10 to 15 minute talks, I had not realized that I had already walked over 4.5 miles.  My legs were freezing (might need to invest in some lined leggings for the winter months), my toes a bit frosty also, but my heart was full, my soul felt refreshed and ready for whatever lie ahead.

As I sat down to eat my sunshine inspired breakfast of mango and blueberries, I felt peace.

My head still hurts.   But I know that the journey is right.  I am searching for ways to help heal my sweet hubs naturally.  I really have a visceral hatred of medications and a medical field that seems intent on prescribing to the symptoms and refusing to see and or treat the causes.

He's not sleeping well... We are now trying Golden Milk (yep... went with the vegan options).  Last night we both slept deep and woke well rested.  No one night does not equal success.  But we will keep on trying.

Each of us has a different journey.  May I encourage you to reach deep and find that place in your most powerful inner being to follow your hopes, dreams, to be okay with asking for and living in abundance. Since I was a very young adult I have resonated with the statement "what you think about, you bring about".  Reflecting on my life... wow... that is an entire other blog.  Maybe I will explore all the times the universe has shown me the truth in those words... but not today.

Today... I want to thank the universe, the powers that be, the messengers that insured I heard what I needed to hear.  I want to celebrate the power and energy this morning gave to me...

Strong, Steady and Focused...