gratitude...

I am going to pause and take a moment to enjoy this incredible morning.  Hubs had to be to work super early again, so I thought I should take care of the gardens in the coolness of the morning.  I was using cool as a relative word, as it was already muggy and nasty at 5 am this morning.  I wasn't expecting much. 

It seems that mother nature heard my whining and summoned up a beautiful breeze from the south.  It's gonna still be blistering hot, normal for this time of year.  And muggy and the Midwest are pretty much the same words in late July. But right now, it's beautiful!  The breeze is blowing, there is almost no humidity and I am sitting in the treetop garden enjoying my coffee. As I sit here looking around I see a few more things that need to be harvested before the heat sets in, but for this quiet moment in time.  I'm enjoying it. 

The critters in the woods are just starting to wake up, there is that soft buzzing of bugs surrounding me.  I've heard a few birds chirping and calling their families.  And one of my hummingbirds has already been by, checking out the flowers.  

It's gonna be the start of a couple of busy weeks.  I made an impulse decision a week ago, at first I was super apprehensive about it.  But now... well a week later, with most of the details settled, I am starting to feel excited.  My mom has been supposed to take a trip home to Pennsylvania for a hot minute now.  She got I'll the first time and we were coming up on the deadline to use her plane tickets to get her there.  One thing led to another and somehow I decided after 27 years, that it was time to go home too.  Next month, Mom and I are flying home for a whole 9 days.  I can't say I have gone anywhere, except to Europe in 2012 and taking care of mom when she'd had a medical procedure about 7 years ago, for a whole 9 days!  And I can honestly say, that I have never been away from Hubs for that long. 

hello sweet friend... welcome to the garden

But... here we are. The last time I was back was so traumatic that I have seriously avoided it.  I had been trying to get home before my Grammie passed away, she was still alive when I had left Germany.  Sadly, she passed away while I was still somewhere across the Atlantic ocean and I arrived in time for her funeral.  I have avoided Pennsylvania since then. 

And I rarely fly, so... we are just going all out of my comfort zone.  I have to have faith nothing happens to my Hubs or Pups while I am gone, I have to leave them all.  I have to fly and rent a car... and drive in unfamiliar areas in an unfamiliar car.  None of these things are in my top 10 list of things to do on a regular basis. A flight is only 1.5 hours, driving is 10.  Seems like a no brainer.  

As this week begins, I have things that are home and garden related to tackle.  I have a quilt to finish up so that I can send it south with my brother in law when he takes mom back down to Arkansas. I need to do grown up stuff like getting a Real ID, so they will let me on the plane.  It took me all of 15 minutes to gather everything so I am not sure why folks are freaking out about doing stuff like that. Would have been much easier if I hadn't let my passport expire, but honestly, I don't need it anymore, so why keep spending the money.  I wonder how many people in this country, or any country for that matter never even get a passport?

Each morning I wake up a bit more excited for the trip.  After speaking with my aunt for a bit yesterday, I can't wait to see what my cousin has in mind.  The trip is more for mom than me.  No one back home really knows me anymore.  Although I have stayed close to my cousin and my one aunt, and I am excited to see what kind of mischief we can get into.  I love them all, but I don't really chat with them much. And the bonus is that my aunt lives on a farm.  You know this girl is gonna be loving life.

I will still spend a good deal of time in the city with the rest of the family, but I will spend more time outside of the busyness. 

It will be strange to be so far from home for so long.  Although, I know that it will pass in the blink of an eye.  It's the first time mom and I have ever gone on a solo trip, we will see so much family, hopefully she will get to see some of her dearest friends from childhood.  She will spend lots of time with her little brother, she needs it as much as he does, even if she won't admit it. We'll buy chocolate, the ones that connect us so hard to our childhoods, (my Hubs and grands definitely will be waiting for that to come home).  I will explore places that I haven't seen in almost 3 decades, maybe longer.  We'll visit graves and pay respect, but mostly spend time with those that are here.  I've a firm belief that cemeteries are simply for remembering, as our loved ones are not there. 

Well, I can sit here all day and enjoy this breeze and daydream about the journey ahead.  But the humidity is picking up as nature is waking up.  I need to finish watering and head inside. I need to finish Hubs' sweater today and then load that quilt.  So much to do... 

I truly love my life! 

take care, stay cool, drink LOTS of water, 

much love, b

strong women...

Rolling thunder, the sound of the rain hitting the metal cover of the fireplace, the deep green color of a spring rain, all of my favorites as I woke up this morning.  It was such a blessing to sleep in, I was getting weary of seeing 3:33 am.  The morning had lightened from the deep pitch of darkness as I started my morning meditation.  The sounds of a wild natural morning accompanying my thoughts and inner peacefulness. 

I am a firm believer in the cleansing power of rain.  Water in general, but rain... maybe it is the fact that I spent most of my formative years in a country that has a lot of rain.  Maybe it is something I just know in my very essence.  Maybe I am channeling a bit of the bible stories I was told as a child.  I don't know, but I love it!  

If these darn knees weren't giving me fits today, I would probably put on a rain jacket, grab an umbrella and go find some puddles to splash in.  Children totally have the right idea. I have said many times that I struggle with memories, but one that is always clear involves rain.  We lived in a pop up camper for a bit when my two youngest sisters were babies.  Dad was going to school in Mississippi and it was a way for all of us to be together.  

I only remember snippets of it, I was only around 7 at the time.  And the wave of disbelief that it was 49 years ago just smacked me in the face... wow...  anyhow I digress. I remember losing a tooth and it falling down the sink drain and being devastated that the tooth fairy wouldn't come because I had carelessly lost the tooth. I remember Dad doing everything he could to "rescue" it.  Somehow the fairy found me and let me know that she'd managed to use magic to get that silly tooth. 

I remember Mom doing such a great job to make that camper home.  

And I remember the storm.  I think it was a minor twister, I remember all of us gathering inside our tiny pop up home, it seems we were sitting as low as we could get, under the tables.  The next thing I remember was running through puddles in our swimsuits with my next sister down.  We were splashing and dancing.  I vaguely remember stuff being strewn about, mostly I remember the beautiful deep green color, the rain drops still falling and dancing in the rain and puddles. 

Maybe that was the first time I was old enough to know I loved rain.  It might just be innate for me. 

I cherish being near free flowing water.  Ironically, man-made lakes do not hold the same power over me.  I will drag my feet and legs or hands into a free flowing clear river, splashing randomly.  Get me near an ocean and I have an overwhelming urge to walk, splash, allow it to cover me.  I am not a fan of lakes.  I despise the darkness, the unwelcoming feeling that comes from that stagnant water that seems to go no where. 

Surrounded this morning with the deep wet green and rolling thunder is perfect.  I spent my morning mediation reflecting on motherhood.  After all, it is mother's day.  I come from a long line of strong women.  My sweet girl carries on the family tradition as I am sure her beautiful daughters will do the same.  

Each of us has our own perceptions of our mothers, I do not believe any of us for even a moment can say our mother's didn't love us unconditionally.  None of us have been prefect.  Not too long ago my daughter shared a meme, "when you are a kid you don't realize that you are also watching your parents grow up".  How powerful is that?

There have been so many times that I longed for a do over, because in the silence of the night, with tears of remorse in my eyes I have realized that I could have said or done something differently.  Because I simply didn't know better at that moment in time.  Only to realize that was my learning process, so that the next time I could and would do better. 

I often hear my daughter say things that are very similar to the words that I have thought if not spoken aloud. So many times growing up I felt that my parents loved my sisters more, that things were easier for them, that the same benchmarks didn't apply.  That they were the favorites.  

My girl often calls her brother the golden child.  I've heard my oldest grand daughter speak similar things in regards to her sister.  My grandmother and great grandmother were also the oldest child.  Mom is the only one that wasn't, but in a way she was as she was the second of 7 and had to step up to help with the younger ones when her daddy passed away.

Now, at this point in life, I realize it wasn't that at all.  Now, I am old enough and wise enough to call it was it truly is.  The oldest child is the test child.  It's where you learn, it's how you grow as a parent. Unfortunately it's where you make the first attempt at raising another human. Your are stricter - it's out of fear - what if you make a mistake? You inevitably make the mistake, feel the pain and pray that it hasn't caused irreparable damage. 

You don't have the skills yet, you are learning.  If anything, I think you are closer to the first born.  After all they were the test baby.  I personally know, that I cherish both of my babies.  Being their mother has been one of the most life fulfilling gifts ever.  I am so grateful to my girl for allowing me to be the young inexperienced mom that I was, for rolling with my mistakes and turning out to be an amazing mom.  I am grateful to my boy for the strong man he has become.  For knowing his own mind and following his own path. My sweet girl was my test baby, my sweet boy was the one that benefited from many of those lessons.  I am sure he thanks her for the lessons she taught me. 

My mom and I are more like friends now, rather than mom and daughter.  We talk about random things, we laugh and cry together.  Our journey hasn't been perfect, they never are.  There were years that we fought and rarely spoke, but time is a salve that heals all wounds and brings those beautiful scars to life.  They aren't scars that bring trauma, they are scars that serve as a gentle reminder of the journey you have traveled together.  They allow more honesty and openness.  The wounds have healed, the smooth scars allow a freedom. 

It's perfect that this beautiful rain that is gently falling now is washing this beautiful day, refreshing it and giving it a chance to shine again.  Forever I wanted to be an only child.  I didn't realize that it was my inability to understand being the test child.  At this phase in life... I cherish that role, the lessons I have learned and the extra growth gifted to me is priceless. 

I am so proud to come from a long line of strong, imperfect women, the kind that never gave up.  That loved unconditionally, if imperfectly.  I am proud to be a middle piece in that line of women. I see it continuing with my own daughter and her daughters. May we all continue to grow, love, accept and carry on until it is our turn to become the memory that guides the future strong women in our family line. 

foraging...

What is that tree with the bright pink flowers?  Have you ever... Definitely how the conversation started. And my latest experiment. My sister and her husband came over for breakfast, I rarely see them so it was a definite treat, and she was standing at the kitchen window looking out at the mini-forest behind my house.  

The Redbud trees had caught her eye. In all fairness, they catch everyone's eyes this time of year.  They are not only beautiful, but plentiful here in eastern Missouri.  And April is definitely their month to shine! No matter where you look you will find a random redbud.  In the midst of evergreens, or standing proud by itself.  It's one of the first signs that spring has arrived. 

At no point while enjoying these beautiful hot pink blossoms did I ever think... hmmm... that would make a great jelly.  I just felt they were beautiful to observe.  That they heralded the arrival of one of my favorite times of the year.  Spring. 

And then my sister tells me that she's been reading about Redbud jelly and wondering if I had tried it. Of course I hadn't.  In fact I was in a bit of disbelief.  I mean I follow a ton of websites that are all about foraging and I am often amazed at the things that people have discovered, forgotten and rediscovered that are not only delicious, but healthy for you.  You know that I immediately started looking for a recipe.  I mean, if one existed, I felt we needed to give it a whirl.  Although I was still quite dubious. 

Those Ozark women were definitely on to something. As Hubs and I headed out to join them a bit later, I was chatting with him about it.  We'd missed our original turn and were turning around on a fairly unused road.  Redbuds all around.  Well... we harvested a bag full, me insisting that it was far more than the two cups needed, Hubs insisting it wasn't close. Ummmm... I was right, but thankfully he was insistent.  Because 3 little jars was never going to be enough as we later discovered. 

After spending a bit of time with them before they headed out of town, we headed home for a few moments to prep those buds. Rinse, stuff, cover with boiling water and wait.  Yep, step one involves waiting.  We know how I feel about waiting. 

I wouldn't get to make it until Saturday.  Tick Tock, don't look at the clock.  We went about enjoying the rest of Friday with Mom, who had made a rare visit to St. Louis.  We chatted about a zillion things, I'm sure, round and round the conversations went, yet in the back of my mind I was thinking jelly! 

Once I get a new thing to try in my head, well, I become a bit obsessive about it. And time was of the essence.  If this turned out as yummy and beautiful as everyone was saying it would, we were definitely running out of time to harvest more of the flowers.  Be still my mind!

Saturday morning, still not time.  It did not stop me from peeking and wondering if folks were full of prunes.  I kept looking at those jars, pale off white colored and doubting that I was going to end up with that vibrant pink jelly.  I read so much about about it in between drive times and visiting. Evidently, it was a common fear.  What did I have to lose?  A couple cups of sugar and a bit of time?

After having breakfast with another sister, her Hubs and Mom we headed off for mom's appointment.  While she was in her meeting, Hubs and I discovered an incredible kitchen gadget store down the road.  We are both HUGE suckers for those kind of stores.  I also felt fate drew us there.  I needed cheesecloth for my jelly making and there it was.  Everywhere in the store. 

I wasn't sure how much time it would take.  Old recipes are rarely accurate in that way. I was stunned at the simplicity and beauty. 

Smashing down the water and flowers into the fine mesh strainer, yielded a beautiful purple liquid.  I was more than a bit perplexed.  

Oh well, maybe it would be purple... Added the lemon juice, pectin and sugar... POP!  All the sudden that regal shade of purple was a trampy shade of hot pink!  I prepped jars as it came to a boil, gently stirred and kept testing consistency.  I saved a small bit for mom and I to taste.  I was not canning it if it was horrible. 

Surprise!  Not only was it not horrible it was was incredible.  It has a very soft grape like flavor and most delightful shade of hot pink ever. My sister returned from her quick trip north to see her in-laws to jelly to try. 

Yesterday morning dawn bright and early, with Hubs and I making the most of our time, out in the sticks picking hot pink flowers, 3 small jars was never going to be enough.  We had plans to meet everyone for baby sisters birthday breakfast and then I had to work all day.  We were definitely on a time budget.  

This time we filled 4 jars and I will make the jelly tonight.  Takes about 15 minutes a batch, which will yield approximately 12 jars of hot pink heaven.  We might share some. I'd say we will gather more this weekend, but snow is predicted tomorrow.  There will be no flowers left after that hits. 

We have definitely made a mark on the calendar to watch for the redbud blossoms next spring.  Now I have moved on to dandelion's.  I am going to ravage the uncared for garden beds at work.  A few cups of blossoms will produce a different kind of jelly.  I am anxious to try it. 

Darn you sis... Have you ever... is the start of a statement that should never be said to me! Thankful for a Hubs that will walk in crazy land with me.  And a sister that will challenge me to try things. 

being...

The peaceful days between Christmas and New Years are probably my favorite.  It's a time to relax and just unwind.  To enjoy the beauty of simply being.

When I switched Y's a few months ago one of my dearest friends gave me a candle and a small poster - it hangs where I can see it every day... it reminds me that we are not human doings we are human beings. That simply line has been a beacon for me this year, I just didn't know it at the time.

Hubs got me a new Chromebook for Christmas - it has tons of neat features, probably the best is that I can turn it into a full screen for watching video or make it into a tablet.  Initially I was upset.  I am on a journey to more me time and my brain freaked out - I immediately went down the path of work.  I didn't want to go there.  So I didn't.  I am refusing to even open my work email on my precious Chromebook.  It is strictly for me. For my journey.  I have a work laptop, it is with me most of the time.  This is for me.

Sitting here listening to my wind chimes and enjoying the mix of my candles, Christmas lights, and Dad's globe, I feel peaceful.  I don't feel hurried or rushed, I simply feel peace.

I have been craving peace for quite some time without truly realizing it. I don't think my mind made the connection between the things I was doing and searching for even if my heart and sub-conscious self had. As I have been scrambling for time to do the things that center me, that calm me, and feeling more frantic by the moment, my heart was trying to make my over busy mind slow down. To take stock of where I needed to be.

I am a human being.  I will only get one chance to live this life, and frankly I want to live it on my terms. Hubs and I have both said many times lately "remember when we could afford this", "remember how we used to spend our time", "remember making all of our gifts at Christmas"... the list has gotten rather long and distinguished.

Those of you that read my blog know that I have been neglecting it.  Along with most everything important to me as a person for far too long.  I've toyed with tucking it away with the rest of my untouched treasures and joys.  In fact I have almost stopped completely numerous times.  I have simply felt too overwhelmed with life. Too twisted up in the external that I completely ignored the internal.

This "vacation" has been what I needed.  For the first time in a very long time I feel calm and centered.  A holiday season that I was dreading has been almost life giving.  Hubs and I have completely thrown all of our traditions in the air like confetti and simply been.

We split up the gifting time with our children to work around their scheduled trip, tomorrow will find the joy of Christmas morning returning to our home, and our daughter's.  As we will celebrate once again upon their return.

We chose to celebrate our Christmas on the 24th, so that we had a time for just us.  To share the treasures that we had carefully selected and wrapped for each other.  In our comfy pj's, sipping our coffee and enjoying the fire in the fireplace.  It was beautiful.

Then we packed up our little car - loaded to the absolute edges - added our precious fur babies and headed "home" for Christmas.  I'm not from Arkansas, it has never been my home.  But it is where my Mom is... so it is home!  Such a joyous time. I missed my baby sister and her family, but truly enjoyed the time spent with my other two sisters and the kids that came.  My nephew always manages to show up when I go home.  I cherish that.  He has held my heart strong since he was a little guy, he radiates love and one of his hugs will hold you for a year or more.  I delighted in giving his boys their gifts and they definitely were the life of the party as they enjoyed them.

Tomorrow we will start again.  The kids will be home by the afternoon.  I am sure they will be exhausted. But they will be home! I've missed them something terrible.  And Facebook has been a blessing and a curse all at once.  Seeing them enjoying themselves has been bittersweet.  I want them to have an amazing time with their Dad, I want them to enjoy life to the fullest, but the childish side of me wants them here with me.  The baby sister and family will join us tomorrow.  The third sister and family will too.  Both of the grandson's will be present and it will be a time of love and joy.  It isn't about the gifts. It's about being present.

I've deliberately focused on hearth and home.  I've been creating the life I have been pushing aside.  I've been bringing back those "remember when" moments.

When I selected gifts this year, with care and love, I inadvertently selected hygge gifts for most everyone. Things that would provide something more to life than clutter and stuff.  Needed items, things to occupy the hours and hands and fill the heart calm.

The more I learn about hygge (hoo ga) the more I realize that it has always been a part of who I am at my very core.  I just didn't realize it.  I am not done with that journey, I need to dive in deeper.  I need to bring more of it back to who I am and where I am needing to go.  It's more than comfy woolen socks or a marketing ploy - which I have noticed some of the businesses are trying to make it.  It's far deeper than anything that money can buy.  In fact, it's not about money at all.

I feel 2019 is going to be an incredible year.  I like the path my heart is leading me to follow.  For weeks now I have been creating again.  I haven't spent every waking hour consumed by work, I can't do that any longer.  I've been creating soft spaces, I'm starting to cook again, I'm watching shows with my sweet Hubs and I'm excited for long walks in the crisp air with him.

I think I have finally found my personal path to balance.  I feel like I am going in the right direction.  I am learning things that bring me joy.  I am surrounding myself with energy enhancing people and experiences. I am getting back to who I am at my center.

I'm not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions - I feel they set you up for failure and disappointment.  Another friend asked about New Years Intentions - I felt I liked that more, but I feel that personally, I will use my new year as a chance to reset.  This time away has been just what the doctor ordered.  My headaches are fading, and while the muscle pain is still pretty strong - it is mellowing.

Candles, fireplaces, soft woolen threads and wooden needles. Calm, family, friends, quiet and more.  This journey of mine finally feels right.

I am challenging everyone I know to light the candles, read the books, lounge around in your cozy pj's or sweats or whatever makes you happy.  Create if your soul calls for it, enjoy family and friends without the phone or device in your hands.  Laugh and make make memories, and hold on tight to those "remember when" moments, while making even more of them each day. Cook dinner at home, listen with your heart and simply be present in life. We are all human BEINGS - we do best when we are being.

Now keep it going....

my present...

I was really struggling with Christmas this year.  It's literally my favorite time of the year.  It's when family is together, I love giving gifts, and I love the stillness of it all.

I was craving all of that and hating it at the same time.  This is the first year without Dad.  Or at least it felt like it was without Dad.  I've spent the majority of the last two weeks hovering somewhere between denial and absolute devastation.  There really hasn't been a happy medium. It's taken less than nothing to make me cry, build walls and just plain want to cancel everything.

And I was dreading my year long decision to spend Christmas in Arkansas. I hadn't spent Christmas with the family since my youngest wasn't quite a year old. Twenty-seven years.  That's an incredibly long time.  Last year when I made the decision I had no idea how much the world would change.  When the kids said they were going to Germany, I'd decided we were going to come home.  Home was going to feel very un-home I decided last week.

At our home Hubs and I took care of the things that made life feel a bit more complete.  Presents are wrapped for the kids to return to yet another Christmas.  A beautiful pine cross is resting on Daddy's grave.  All in all, it's was horribly sad and eating at my heart.  Pulling into the driveway felt empty and like the joy had been sucked out of life.  My eyes were burning from the tears I was not about the shed as we got out of the car and started gathering our bags full of gifts.


And then I realized Dad was there.  Maybe not physically, we couldn't hug or kiss him.  Yet his essence and love for us radiated through out everything.  Each of us carries a bit of him in our actions, mannerisms and laughter.  Mom still had the lights on Dad's tree (he picked it) cycling in between her elegant white and his festive multi-colors.  I must take after him, I love the multi-colors too. 

Mom is right, you can feel him there.  She enjoys being home, because he feels like he is there in every way.  Except that his chair is empty most of the time. 

I was also worried about the dynamic of us girls being together.  We love each other, we will fight any fool brave enough to hurt one of us, but... when stressed or hurting we are not always nice to each other.  We push back, we say things that none of us truly means and we build walls to protect our hearts. The first Christmas without Dad made me nervous as to where our hearts would be.   Each of us has a loving partner in life that will protect us, only complicating things further.

As I sit here this morning, relaxing in the silence, Hubs is outside puffing on a cigar in the rain and I haven't allowed any noise to penetrate my world, I am thankful.  Soon we will meet up with Mom and my first sister - I'm the oldest so she was the first to make me a sister - for breakfast and a bit more visiting before it is time to head north.  Our visit ends today, it's almost time to return to our home. 

My first sister and I have the most contentious relationship.  We have since we were teens. I used to think it was because we are so different.  As we age, I've come to realize that it is because we are so much alike.

We both have the same she lion tendencies when it comes to protecting our families and loved ones.  We truthfully have incredibly similar hobbies and things that relax us.  Watching her pure joy at creating has really brought it home for me.  In fact, she made us all matching shirts for Christmas - I am over the moon at this!  I am fairly sure that none of my sisters has ever made me a gift for Christmas.  Although the second sister is a demon at making afghans and the first sister is just as crafty and creative as I am. I will treasure my crazy sister shirt forever! She is so talented and I enjoy that we have so much in common.

I am filled with joy that she rearranged her schedule to be able to spend a few more moments with us.  I think that is the greatest lesson all of us have learned from this year.  To be more present. To be more focused on what really matters.  To share in the joy of simply being with the people that make the differences in our lives.  Our baby sis wasn't able to come, and we missed her laughter and joyousness so much.  She couldn't be here because early Wednesday morning she had to work.  Her work gives love to others that need it so much. Yet through the magic of Face Time she was with us.

As this year wraps up, 2018 will go down in our family history as one of the most loss filled years ever.  Dad's side of the family lost 3 this year, as we are racing towards 2019 I pray that is all.  We need time to heal. There have been so many harsh changes and things ripped away from us. Yet the lessons learned have been powerful. 

I actually feel more present in life than I have for a long time.  I feel like I was rushing through life missing the important things in pursuit of things. Trying to fill imaginary holes while missing out on the parts that are most valuable.   Hubs and I have been going too fast.  This slowing down that is happening feels good.  It feels life giving. Spending time with Mom and my sisters laughing, talking, cooking, sharing.  My sweet Hubs and the brother-in-laws have been doing all the same things.  It has felt refreshing.

I'm glad we came home.  I'm glad that I didn't let the fear of the pain keep me from enjoying the past few days so fully!  I am eagerly awaiting the kids coming home, I can't wait to hear the excitement of the kids as they share about their fabulous Christmas journey. 

I'm loving being more present.  Maybe that is the Christmas Present that Dad gave us all!

making a life...

When the wind picks up it's almost refreshing out.  Without it, it's just hot and muggy.  I am so not a fan of this Midwest climate. It's going to be another hot one today.  Not really my thing, but at least it will keep me inside and allow me to complete some of the things I have been longing to do... or not...

I've had the olive oil and dandelions infusing at a soft boil for the past two hours.  The dandelion tea is done.  I was incredibly excited to make a batch of soap. I cleaned up the kitchen and got it ready for some serious soaping.  And as it's nice and not raining, I am planning on a batch or two of bath bombs. 

But now I am simply feeling a bit bummed out.  I didn't catch it until it heated that the olive oil had gone rancid.  It smells awful! I don't want my beautiful soap to smell like that.  I did the research, everything says I can still use it, just need to super saponify or I can wash it in brine to remove the scent. Super saponification is going to lead to a very drying soap, kind of defeats the purpose of using the dandelions don't you think?  And I'm afraid the brine will also remove all the benefit of the dandelions.  So now I'm at square one again. Guess I am going to pick another cup of dandelions.  The bee's are going to revolt... Thank goodness they grow so fast.

Maybe I will resort to something less detailed, as I truly just want to make some soaps and try out all of my new molds.  I was hoping to make a batch or so of hot process also, so I don't have to deal with the patience part of things.

And I also need to go and buy a lawnmower.  Ours is a total piece of... well you get it.  And we hired a lawn care crew.  Which I am firing today.  I don't mind spending the money to have my yard mowed, but when they are as inconsistent of these guys and my front lawn is deeper than my short guys chest?  They are doing a lousy job and they are not inexpensive.  I've had kids to a better job than this company is.

I have to admit though that even with the rampant frustrations today is bringing.  Bitter oil, deep lawn, Hubs busy working for hours... It sure did start off excellent!  I had a message from my boy, something that is rare, he's busy living his life far away, so to wake up to that gift was priceless.  And my sweet (?) girl gifted me with an awesome yarn bowl to make me smile!  I got to talk to my own mom and I feel blessed to be able to do so.

Despite the challenges, I am feeling very grateful for my new found devotion to getting deeper involved in living my own life and remembering that other things are not the core, they are the outer rings.  They are not my own personal why.  They are not the items that define who I am as a human.

I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a gramma, a friend to many, and possibly a nemesis to some.  But over all... I am a human being on a journey that only I can define.  I'm enjoying discovering that! For too long, I've allowed the non-important to define the important.  Who I am and my contribution to my own life and happiness cannot be graded or judged by anyone except for me.  And when you start living to achieve other's goals and desires of you, you stop being able to reach for your own happiness and inner peace.

None of us get out of this life alive.  And I am starting to fully understand that the little check marks that others are making do not define who we are or where we ultimately end up.  This is just a season in time.  And the best thing any of us can do, is love the people that are important to us.  Spend quality time doing things together. None of us need a ton of gifts and clutter in our homes, we need time, experiences, and most importantly love.

Celebrate this mother's day.  If your mom is still here, let her know you love her, if not celebrate the gifts she gave you while she was. Let your loved ones know their value.  Because all too soon, you can only send those and thoughts to silence.  Love and cherish while you can!

Time to go and celebrate my day... Best wishes to all of you!

this journey...

It's Easter.  

This year Easter is a bit more poignant than years past. 

It will be four weeks since my Daddy went home.  It's hard. 

Hubs and I have been hanging out with Mom and a few of my sisters. We've shopped for Easter baskets, we've laughed and remembered.  We've shed tears and smiles.  

Dad's urn is beautiful.  Far prettier than it appears in pictures. It fits him.  Resting on the shelf behind his chair. 

I'd asked for a lock of his hair.  It's currently in my purse.  I'm finding an odd bit of comfort in it.  His soft, beautiful hair.  

I'm missing him. 

Hubs and I strolled with the boys yesterday morning.  Basking in the beautiful sunshine, admiring the beauty of early spring. Blossoms, buds and blessings. It was such a beautiful morning.  

We've had so much rain since Daddy left.  Only two days of sunshine, the gift did not go unnoticed. 

I could not sit in his chair.  I wanted to.  I really wanted to curl up in it and feel his love wrap around me like a blanket.  I couldn't do it.  Instead, I stood behind it, like I've done many times over the years, resting my head on the back, draping my arms over the top, longing to hug him one more time.  

As Mom and I put together baskets and gifts we chatted about the Easter's of our youth.  Where Dad would hide our baskets and eggs.  He delighted in making it as difficult as possible. The last of mine that I can remember was hidden in the vacuum cleaner bag in the closet.  I was a senior in high school. Oh he laughed.  I remember being cranky, after all I was too grown.  What I wouldn't give to search again.  Knowing he was smiling and laughing at me once again. 

Today was harder.  Today headed home again. 

Mom came over to do breakfast with us.  That was the extent of our Easter celebrations this year.  It feels like enough. 

I'm struggling with where I am personally still.  Torn between feeling like a selfish daughter that didn't make enough trips down, to knowing that of all people Dad understood.  He knew that even though money was tight we wanted to be here and would struggle to chat on the phone with us.  He understood even more when our careers were taking off and time was not a commodity that we had to spare. 

The drive home was fairly uneventful.  We were on a mission to beat the bad weather.  We did, sort of.  We were about 5 minutes from the house when the ice started coming down.  Yesterday it was almost 80 where we were and today it is 35 and dropping.  

Mother Nature has a twisted sense of humor. I keep waiting to see a sudden shift and a loud April Fool's sign appear.  Sadly, I think no. 

It hurt me worse than normal to leave Mom.  It's all still too fresh and new.  I absolutely do not ever want to move to Arkansas, yet, I wish those 6 hours that it takes to travel between there and here could be shorter. 

We've almost put everything away, but honestly we're both a bit tired and probably won't put it all away.  Not sure what dinner is going to be.  Traveling means I didn't plan a holiday dinner. Sadly, it just feels like the start of another week without Dad.  

I'm trying for normal.  

I'm just not sure what normal is. 

I signed up for a challenge.  20 minutes average of exercise a day.  I need the structure. 

I signed up for a painting class. I love the painting and want to make it.  I'm searching for creative outlets. 

I started spinning again.  I ordered more soap supplies. I finished one knitting project.  I need to finish a few of my projects.  

It was hard to finish the scarf, I'd spent so many hours working on it in the hospital with Dad.  It's a wrap really.  I need to block it, and while it was hard, it was also healing...

I am trying to find the parts of my life that are scattered. 

Tomorrow I will order my ring.  A beautiful bit of my Dad to carry with me. A bit of strength borrowed. 

I'm struggling to regroup. 

My sleep is disturbed.  I am feeling out of control.  My work goals aren't getting accomplished, for a myriad of reasons.  Mostly the leader being wonky is my best guess.  How do you lead a group when you are struggling to lead yourself?

I know this isn't forever.  It's the out of control factor that is making me crazy.  But I am trying.  This crazy weather is matching my own internal storm. 

I'm getting there.