this journey...

It's Easter.  

This year Easter is a bit more poignant than years past. 

It will be four weeks since my Daddy went home.  It's hard. 

Hubs and I have been hanging out with Mom and a few of my sisters. We've shopped for Easter baskets, we've laughed and remembered.  We've shed tears and smiles.  

Dad's urn is beautiful.  Far prettier than it appears in pictures. It fits him.  Resting on the shelf behind his chair. 

I'd asked for a lock of his hair.  It's currently in my purse.  I'm finding an odd bit of comfort in it.  His soft, beautiful hair.  

I'm missing him. 

Hubs and I strolled with the boys yesterday morning.  Basking in the beautiful sunshine, admiring the beauty of early spring. Blossoms, buds and blessings. It was such a beautiful morning.  

We've had so much rain since Daddy left.  Only two days of sunshine, the gift did not go unnoticed. 

I could not sit in his chair.  I wanted to.  I really wanted to curl up in it and feel his love wrap around me like a blanket.  I couldn't do it.  Instead, I stood behind it, like I've done many times over the years, resting my head on the back, draping my arms over the top, longing to hug him one more time.  

As Mom and I put together baskets and gifts we chatted about the Easter's of our youth.  Where Dad would hide our baskets and eggs.  He delighted in making it as difficult as possible. The last of mine that I can remember was hidden in the vacuum cleaner bag in the closet.  I was a senior in high school. Oh he laughed.  I remember being cranky, after all I was too grown.  What I wouldn't give to search again.  Knowing he was smiling and laughing at me once again. 

Today was harder.  Today headed home again. 

Mom came over to do breakfast with us.  That was the extent of our Easter celebrations this year.  It feels like enough. 

I'm struggling with where I am personally still.  Torn between feeling like a selfish daughter that didn't make enough trips down, to knowing that of all people Dad understood.  He knew that even though money was tight we wanted to be here and would struggle to chat on the phone with us.  He understood even more when our careers were taking off and time was not a commodity that we had to spare. 

The drive home was fairly uneventful.  We were on a mission to beat the bad weather.  We did, sort of.  We were about 5 minutes from the house when the ice started coming down.  Yesterday it was almost 80 where we were and today it is 35 and dropping.  

Mother Nature has a twisted sense of humor. I keep waiting to see a sudden shift and a loud April Fool's sign appear.  Sadly, I think no. 

It hurt me worse than normal to leave Mom.  It's all still too fresh and new.  I absolutely do not ever want to move to Arkansas, yet, I wish those 6 hours that it takes to travel between there and here could be shorter. 

We've almost put everything away, but honestly we're both a bit tired and probably won't put it all away.  Not sure what dinner is going to be.  Traveling means I didn't plan a holiday dinner. Sadly, it just feels like the start of another week without Dad.  

I'm trying for normal.  

I'm just not sure what normal is. 

I signed up for a challenge.  20 minutes average of exercise a day.  I need the structure. 

I signed up for a painting class. I love the painting and want to make it.  I'm searching for creative outlets. 

I started spinning again.  I ordered more soap supplies. I finished one knitting project.  I need to finish a few of my projects.  

It was hard to finish the scarf, I'd spent so many hours working on it in the hospital with Dad.  It's a wrap really.  I need to block it, and while it was hard, it was also healing...

I am trying to find the parts of my life that are scattered. 

Tomorrow I will order my ring.  A beautiful bit of my Dad to carry with me. A bit of strength borrowed. 

I'm struggling to regroup. 

My sleep is disturbed.  I am feeling out of control.  My work goals aren't getting accomplished, for a myriad of reasons.  Mostly the leader being wonky is my best guess.  How do you lead a group when you are struggling to lead yourself?

I know this isn't forever.  It's the out of control factor that is making me crazy.  But I am trying.  This crazy weather is matching my own internal storm. 

I'm getting there.