He's pretty upset.
It's been a rough year folks. A really rough year.
My Dad has passed. Things are currently a struggle at work - and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with where I am currently residing mentally. I've allowed some not so great people into my life, I'm working on fixing that. And on Monday I got the news that one of the dearest people I've ever known passed away. It was unexpected, one of the B's and I had been questioning why we hadn't heard from her, but we've all been through a lot this year and simply didn't realize so much time had passed. That call shook us to our bones.
This Friday I will say good-bye to her. I'm dreading it. I am tired of the finality of it all. Next Saturday we will place some of Dad's ashes in his final resting spot.
I'm struggling really hard with so many things. It feels like my world is spiraling out of control. Remember being a kid on the merry-go-round? Dad would say hold on tight and the push as hard as he could. Sometimes your legs would fly out in all directions, sure you were going to fly off into outer space? Because as a kid you didn't realize that that truly couldn't launch you to the stars, but it sure felt like it.
That's how I feel now.
I know that I'm not going to fly off the planet. I know that my current world isn't strong enough to pull me to the other side. But I have to admit, it sure feels it.
It's getting harder and harder to put a smile on my face. To find my happy mask and make it through the day positive and upbeat. My fibro is starting to flare for the first time in almost a year I am starting to feel the immense pain that signals the need for a break.
To step back.
I have some difficult things to get through over the next few days, and then it is time to take a break. Not ideal timing, I have a golf tournament coming up. But the reality is that there is never going to be an ideal time and my body and heart are telling me they've had enough for the moment.
I know the warning signs. It's been 21 years in May. I also know the disastrous effects of not listening. I have ignored it and pushed through in the past only to have a long, torturous journey back to me. I'm not interested in it.
Friday night I will rest. I will focus on centering. I will take long baths and leisurely walks with my dogs. I will fill the bird feeder and plants flowers. I might reconnect with people that I have been too "busy" to see. I will do the things that feed my soul. I will cry a few times. I will laugh often.
I have a need to spend time with my loved ones. To make memories and help each other heal from all the pain and damage we've suffered through.
I've stocked up on the things that make me feel whole. I need to create when my world is like this. It grounds me. Hubs and I are already planning how to use some fairly empty space in our house to store all the soaps and bath bombs that I want to make so they can cure in peace and I still have room to do the laundry.
Well, it's time to find my mask and start the day. As I look longingly at my new molds and visions of soap batter dances in my head. I have tons of new versions that I am longing to try. And the bath bombs... I do love a great bath and even more so with a bath bomb. Dang you LUSH!
Go find a cardinal and listen to it's song, it might be a loved one bringing you a message. Hoping you will listen. Even if not, it will calm your inner turmoil. Spend some time reconnecting in this disconnected world. You definitely won't regret it.
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