overwhelming fear...

I'm not in a good place.

Sure I'm sleeping better.  I don't cry nearly as easily.

I am finding myself quick to panic.  I am stressed much more than is normal for me.  And I am dealing with serious, bone deep exhaustion.

Yesterday I was in a complete panic. Torn between being terrified and being angrier than I could comprehend.

Hubs was supposed to be home by 5 to walk the boys and get ready for us to go out together on the motorcycle.  He'd done the last part of his day commuting around on the bike and enjoying the beauty of the day. We'd agreed we would meet after I attended a memorial service for the sister of a long time staff member.

I'd called on the way out of the city.  Not feeling confident in where I was and wanting to let him know I was headed home. 

No answer. I assumed he was walking the boys.

I got stuck in traffic, as the funeral home was off of one of my least favorite highways. Called again to let him know I'd be a bit later. 

No answer...

More traffic, longer commute than planned, found another route, called to update...

No answer... it's over an hour since he was supposed to be home.

WHAT was going on??

I could feel the panic and bile raising.  I was trying to be calm.  Too much.  Simply too much.

Upon getting home and finding no Hubs, I walked the boys.  At this point I am torn between fear and anger.  One minute in a panic, not knowing where he is, the next angry, sure he's out riding.

About an hour and a half later I finally reached him.  I tried to listen, to hear where he was.  I couldn't hear anything. I lost it.  I know I was unreasonable.  The terror was killing me.  I ranted, raved and I am fairly sure I hung up. 

I know that I stormed through the house like a crazed woman.  Yelling at an invisible person.  Angry and relieved all at once. 

But I wasn't really angry.

I'd been terrified. The sweetest sight in the world was his pulling into the driveway. 

Your mind can play hideous tricks on you when it isn't up to par.  As I scrubbed dishes and counters, put away bath bombs and tidied up, I was trying to rationalize the thoughts.  Trying to come up with a reason, only to have my addled brain keep picturing him dead on the side of the road, run over by some distracted driver.  Frightened and longing to figure out which route he'd taken to which location.  Turning on the news to listen casually to hear of any accidents.

I did apologize.  I also asked him to call me when plans changed.  I realized that I am not in a good place and it takes very little for me to go from a normal human being to some crazed, wild woman that can cuss worse than a sailor.  I felt terrible.  It was not intentional.  It was simply more than I could rationalize. My fear that I had lost him too, was simply far too much for me.

It will be the start of the seventh week this weekend.  My ring is ordered, although Dad's ashes are still in my purse, close by me until I send them away for the ring.  It's coming up on his birthday and internment. The closer it gets the harder this is for me.

I'm still not in a good place.  I wonder if I ever will be.  There are many questions that are eating at my heart.  There are decisions that seem to be begging to be made. 

For the first time in a very long time I am questioning my path.

My choices.

I'm sure this is a part of the healing. 

Or is it the beginning of an awakening?