hurting...

Apocaloptmist... That popped up in my memories on Facebook today.  The definition is that even though you know it's going to shit you still believe it will all be okay.

That is the world I have been walking in since the beginning of January.  Every step forward ends up going even further backwards. It's been brutal.  I feel like I am continually waiting for that next shoe to drop.

I keep looking for that ray of sunshine, that hopeful moment, the upswing.

I truly do feel they are coming.  As I am watching the rain outside the window, I am hopeful that it is washing away some of the negative energy that seems to be blanketing my world and the world of my loved ones.

Yesterday was spent in a numb bubble.  Dread is building up as we get ready to bury Dad's ashes. I am personally feeling very overwhelmed by it.  I've been to one other burial of a loved one.  I still struggle with it, the memory still stings my heart.  I don't know how I will handle it being my Dad.

I've opted to take vacation the week leading up to it, as it includes his birthday also and I will have to deal with that as well. Hubs will join me.  We are making plans that will keep us busy.  There will be motorcycle rides with picnics to take advantage of the spring days that are finally promising to break through.  We're working on a to do list, so many things are always left lingering on the edges.

We still have rooms that have boxes unpacked and we've lived here for almost 4 years.  There is a community wide yard sale coming up in a few weeks, I'm not a fan of yard sales, but if it will get a few things gone, it's worth it.

And at the same time, I am looking for things not to do.

This year has taught me so many lessons that I do not have the ability to even process yet.  It's also opened my eyes to many things.  I think that is why I am struggling so much. The loss of my father is horrible.  Yet I am not the first person to experience it and given that we are all moving towards death, I know that I am not the last person that will experience it.

It's other things that are weighing heavily on my heart and my mind. I am sure that the universe is whispering in my ear.  I'm starting to feel it is shouting at me.  Everywhere I turn there is another comment, meme, discussion, article or text that are all saying the same thing.

What are you spending your time doing?

What are all of us spending our time doing?  With the jaded glasses that I am currently looking through I am seeing a lot of us working for a living, but not for a life.

My rose colored glasses keep tinging darker.  They aren't so bright and shiny.

There are things going on in my world right now that are so much bigger than I have the capacity to deal with.  I know that I am struggling to hold all my bits and pieces together.  And as I watch the world around me, I feel like more and more of us are in the same place and time.

And each of us are trying to deal with it in a different way. Some of us are control freaks.  We are those people that are going to grasp the situation fully by the horns and make it fit our mold. Because if it fits and we can control it then it's all going to be perfect.

Other's hide.  If we don't see it, it's not really there.  We can hide physically, emotionally or we can hide behind things like smiles and humor.  Isn't it true that the best clowns were always the saddest people?

Some of us wander lost.  Afraid to take the steps that we KNOW we need and want to take.  Needing our security blanket of the everyday normal. We have ideas, thoughts and feelings that need us to pay attention, but we are insecure.  Afraid to take that chance.

Because all too often that chance is going to put us into a place we aren't comfortable. We are afraid to speak out because we've been conditioned to the norms that society has put into place. Afraid to take that leap.

I probably personally fall into the hiding and wandering column.  Afraid to be still, to listen, to see, to be aware of all of the signs around me.

The silence is so loud right now.  The roaring in my head is demanding attention.

And I'm afraid to listen to it.

I'm surrounded by people that are struggling and hurting.  I long to help, but know that I can't.

My own world is still too damaged and cluttered.  There are too many questions that need answers, too many journey's of my own that I am afraid to take.

I'm getting better about it.

I'm working on a plan for the future.  I mean for me that is a huge step.  I've always had dreams, but truthfully, the plan part has often eluded me.  I never write those dreams down and develop the steps needed to achieve them.  I just assume they will happen.

I'm trying to sort out this crazy pile of bits and pieces.

I'm trying to find my own path forward. Hubs and I are in the same place.  Knowing, dreaming, but not there.

The only thing that I am finding that is healing my soul is creating and nurturing.  It's being busy, but it isn't.  I've been following a Facebook page called Becoming UnBusy.  The more I follow, the more I realize what is missing and what I need.  I'm not sure if it caught my attention because all the meme's seem to depict a cup of coffee, but that doesn't hurt.

I am working on becoming UnBusy.  I'm working on really thinking about what I am spending my time on and if it is filling my soul with love, light and happiness.  And if it's not, then I am eliminating it.

The journey is just beginning, but I am loving the path it is following.  Even a journey like this needs a plan and then the commitment to see it through.

I think the world is a pretty crappy place for me right now, but I am choosing to keep smiling and focusing on moving forward.  There is a brighter place where smiles have the ability to always be real and not a mask.  I'm going to get there... I'm fighting to get all of my loved ones there with me too!