or flight...

I'm pretty sure I was channeling my Dad last night and this morning.

"damn squirrels, get out"

This weekend I decided to refill the bird feeder.  I'd stopped, the squirrels kept finding ways to get into the feeders and were making me incredibly angry. I got tired of finding ways to stop them.  I gave up. This weekend, I felt a strong need to fill those silly feeders.  I want to see the birds, hopefully the cardinals.

Dad loved feeding the birds.  It brought him great joy.  Except for those darn squirrels.

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you know I don't hate squirrels and often share pictures of the little rascals. I just don't want them messing with my feeder.

I'm in a strange place.  My fight or flight emotions are overwhelming right now.

I really feel that very soon, I need a break.  I'm lost, I'm overwhelmed, I'm torn into pieces.  Part of me feels like I need to roll up my sleeves and slug it out.  I am definitely not a person that gives up and walks away.  A bigger part of me right now, is searching for my escape route.

Desperately!

I keep finding myself lost in day dreams.  Of far away places where my heart can heal.  I keep dreaming of getting rid of most everything and leaving.  Finding a spot where I can regroup.  Where there are no obligations, requirements, nothing that pulls me away from fixing this spot inside me that feels beat up, tattered and like a few pieces will never be found again.

A place far from humanity.  Maybe a quiet bit of land, with a small lake or even a stream/river.  Lots of trees and a place for a garden. I thrive in nature.  And this darn prolonged winter is killing me slowly.  Where the only sounds around me are the sounds of birds, wild life, a babbling brook, or the distant rumble of thunder as a spring storm moves in.

I've always maintained that I need four seasons.  Do I?  I keep hearing my Dad's voice in my head, I'm going to strap snow tires on the roof and head south, the first place they ask me what they are is where I am staying.  Starting to sound good.

I want the extent of my obligations to be tidying my house, cooking meals, working in the garden, taking care of my Hubs and the boys.  I want time to make soap, without squeezing it into the bits and pieces of my life that are left to me.  I want to quilt, spin wool, knit, sit on the porch and not see a soul outside of the people I've invited in.  I want to go back to canning my own veggies that I have grown myself.  Making my own breads and pastas. 

Do I want it?  Or do I need it?

As I watched the sunrise this morning, in all it's breathtaking splendor, the brilliant reds, yellows and oranges I felt lost. I felt a need to escape.

I should be rushing around getting ready for another day.  I have much to do, I always have much to do. I know that I am completely out of whack.

I'm at a point where fighting the good fight, seems like a lost cause. I am facing a failure that is eating my heart out. I've failed as a leader.

I have less than a week to somehow magically (because at this point that is what it feels like it will take - magic) raise the balance of our Annual Campaign dollars.  Just over $8819 remains.  I know the goal was high, but I felt that I had a great team, committed to success with me. I'm now swallowing the bitter pill that I might have been too optimistic well.  I'm not someone that accepts failure to meet goals with grace, I will push until the bitter end.  I don't like excuses and I really don't like people handing them to me in exchange for giving our all.  I'm struggling hard with this.

I feel like I've had enough losses this year. And I'm struggling with pulling up my big girl panties and taking it like a grown up.

Who set these rules? When did it stop being about living and start being about simply making a living?

Maybe that is what is fueling this flight response in me.  Maybe I have finally absorbed all that I can physically absorb. 

I'm surrounded by a chaos that I have no ability to control.  I am simply drifting along in a current that I cannot impact.  It is exhausting me.

I've been looking around my home and starting to determine what I don't need any longer, can I sell it?  Donate it? Throw it away.  What matters to me?  What doesn't.  Frankly, right now, not much matters.

Oddly, I slept amazing last night.  No tossing or turning, deep and restful. I still woke up feeling overwhelmed.  I am a leader, I need to lead my team with confidence and compassion.  Right now, I don't really feel like I can lead me with those skills.

I really do want to run away.  I want to be out in the silence.  No music, no television, no city noise.  I want to heal.  And I am finding that it is not something I can demand. Damn it. I am too much like my Dad in that aspect.  I have a strong urge to make things right and to do it on my time table.

And I can't.

I'm want to dance in the springtime sunshine.  I want to find my joy again.

I guess this is normal.  I don't know how to move forward.  I can't see my path right now and it kills me.