how have you been?

This morning as I was doing my chores, I felt a strong urge to write.  Goodness, it's been a long while. Almost 4 years ago my life took a dramatic turn, a shift. Unplanned, unexpected and suddenly.  One of the greatest gifts I have been given in life.  I find those that fall in that category are usually the best.  A sudden ending, when you aren't brave enough to admit something is not serving you or your life.  When you can add up all the things it's cost you, but you don't have the courage to walk in another direction.  When God steps in and gives you the push you desperately needed, but didn't realize it. 

Endings are nothing more than a chance at a better beginning.  We just often find ourselves blinded in the moment.  Not realizing that the door that slammed shut was because it wasn't serving you. It might even have been causing you harm that you couldn't see in the moment. 

My days have fallen into a beautiful routine.  I'm no longer trying to be a wife, mother, grand mother and homemaker while still being stretched to my absolute limits in a thankless world. It's an incredible feeling to walk in the path you are meant to walk. 

I don't write much anymore.  Not because I don't want to, but because the world has become increasingly more unstable and angry.  Something I really no longer have the need or desire to participate in.  If I do write it is strictly for me, and that alone is very rare.  Although I do miss it.

Today the urge was too great, with a cup of hot coffee, I felt ready to write.  After all the kitchen is cleaned, laundry folded and ready to go upstairs, everyone fed a nutritious breakfast and the doors are open to allow this beautiful day to flow in.  I'm ready.

I've already put the first bit of grass seed down and covered it, so much as been altered in the past year that it is going to be a long season of rebuilding, I'm excited for it. I figured as long as I was playing in the mud, I'd better take advantage of the warmth this week to get my poppy seeds planted.  There is more cold weather rolling in next week and they will need it if they are going to sprout and fill the spaces left barren. In a few more weeks I will plant the cosmos, marigold, and zinnias.  A short time later will find lots of sunflowers planted where they would have never grown a few months ago. And the lilac will finally be planted in the ground.

this guy was amazing - and terrifying

Hubs and I are busy plotting and planning.  How much grass?  Should we add more raised beds?  What do we think is going to happen in this mixed up crazy time that we are moving through? The removal of that massive old bradford pear tree has left us with lots of new options.  Not to mention an enormous pile of wood to cut up for future winter fires. 

half-way there

that ground hadn't seen that much sun
in 30 years

Oddly, I have no anxiety, no stress or fears.  It feels like forever since that has been the way of life. There is a rhythm now, like a slow drumbeat.  That isn't to say I am not paying attention to things.  Or that I haven't noticed the way grocers keep raising prices.  The businesses that have struggled for so long that are finally closing their doors.  I've noticed.  

relaxing with Dad on a cold winter day

Somewhere along the way of the past 4 years a calmness has finally settled.  Our little suburban homestead becomes more solid all the time.  It's almost time to plant the gardens, last fall we planted our first elderberry bushes, we followed the directions to a "t" so with any luck we won't have to travel to pick elderberry in the future.  Hopefully this year will also find us able to plant our own mullein.  We'll see.  If not, there is always a plan "b".  As our yard is more open to sunshine now, we may plant a wider variety of veggies, then again maybe I will plant a beautiful herb garden.  I am overcome with the possibilities.

Soon I will be able to go buy my goats milk again, I can hardly wait.  I also have a local bee keeper I support and it's almost time for the farmers markets to open again.  I'm tired of the world we were living in, we don't play in that world too much anymore.  We are finding our tribe, like minded people, we are learning to support and lift up one another.  To stop relying so hard to sustain something that felt false and unsustainable.

It feels like we've been in a ship on rocky seas for a really, really long time.  And the storm is raging still, it's not over, things need to right themselves.  I think all of us have a different way of dealing with it all.  We all have different ideas of what that righting is and will be.  For us, there is a sense of peace, we aren't playing in those waves as much.  We are choosing a calmer path. 

Washing dishes, cooking meals from the best and cleanest ingredients I can find, cleaning my house, working in my yard, taking care of my Hubs and pups, being there to support my kids and grands when they need it.  And having time to create.  All of these things are stabilizing.  Soon I will head upstairs, to iron and put away laundry.  

My version of Old Town

After the chores are done, I will head to my sewing studio, I decided that I was going to make another version of the Old Town quilt that I made myself.  This one is for my Hubs.  I might be crazy, at over 3100 tiny pieces, it's more intense than a jigsaw puzzle at times.  Yet, getting lost in putting those tiny bits together eliminates room for the chaos of the world to crowd my thoughts. 

the colors for Hub's Old Town

I have some strong ideas about what I am watching unfold.  Very strong, but I'm opting to sit on the sidelines and watch from afar.  I'm intrigued, I'm aware, I'm observing.  But from a distance.  I am focusing on the world right in front of me, I'm focusing on what I can immediately impact.  I'm tried of raging and worrying through things that I have zero control over. 

Over the past few years, I have come to realize the smaller the bubble the happier you become.  I have time to laugh, to worry over my ability to recreate my Hubs favorite meals but in our own kitchen instead of somewhere we don't know what was used.  I have time to stop and observe.  Things have fluttered through the past few years, time has really stopped being relevant or even observable.  I forget things, I laugh, I move on.  So many that I speak to are experiencing the same thing. 

Birthdays, holidays and so much more sneak up and take me by surprise.  Evenings are spent enjoying old shows with Hubs, working on some little thing and chatting during the never ending pharmaceutical commercials. Seriously, whatever happened to Mr. Whipple and his Charmin, or even Clara yelling "where's the beef". Now we mute it because the endless lists of side effects from drugs they are hawking is enough to terrify the staunchest horror movie fan.  Geez, why?  Just why?

I'm toying with a few future ideas, one of which is starting another blog, focusing on living a different kind of life.  Another thing I am exploring is how to help others learn skills that are rapidly fading away, a self-sufficiency that is fading away.  I have a million other thoughts that glide through my mind while I stitch away on one of my vintage Singer sewing machines.  There is something about the sound that welcomes you to slow and daydream. 

My day dreaming often beacons me back here.  I have so many thoughts and memories recorded in these posts.  Time gone by.  I would love to save it, I often wonder if this platform will ever disappear and with it my thoughts and memories.  I am not technically skilled to save them to something else.  It's one of the thoughts that stops me from starting something else.  The technical world is not really for me.  I thrive in a simpler, more hands on world. 

I definitely don't recall planting a Pup

Who knows... the future is just that, the future. For now, the birds are calling, the pups are napping and it's time to go upstairs.  Maybe the blue jay will come back and sit on the branches and watch me sewing.

peace and love on your own journeys...