becoming...

Good morning! As I edge back into writing, I am trying to find the "perfect time" to write.  The changes in who I have become, have led to many changes in the order of my day.  

Before I ever leave bed I find myself deeply engrossed in some Bible study or another, since Hubs starts working as soon as he wakes up (he cherishes his peaceful work hours also) I usually don't worry about coming downstairs until around 530 or so. Being an early riser for at least three decades, maybe longer, it gives me ample time to lose myself in something or another.  Today was a fairly deep study of the book of Revelations and the actual meanings found in some translations.  

Pretty intense stuff when you've given up coffee. Coffee wasn't given up for any religious or spiritual reason.  It was given up for my actual health.  The first week was a touch rough, talk about some serious headaches.  It's been almost two months now and even the smell of it (still one of my absolute favorite scents) doesn't beckon me to pour a cup. Three months ago, I couldn't have fathomed my life without coffee.  A pot or so was normal... strange how things change. 

I think I will have to dig back into this mornings study, it was seriously intense and my brain is still digesting the bits and pieces of it all.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it will involve taking the whole thing in small bites for all of it to make sense. 

I have definitely embraced the role of a traditional wife.  Which means that after my morning reading, spending time with Hubs while he has his coffee, visiting and planning out our day, it's time to start the day.  Apron on and breakfast cooking for Hubs and the Pups are pretty much the first steps.  

It flows so beautifully.  Belle will usually sit at my side, eagerly hoping for a morsel or two, depending on how hungry she is.  She has become such a patient  baby when she wants to be. Beau will hang out upstairs with dad while he gets ready for the day. 

waiting for our friends to call out

Unless one of the other dogs in the neighborhood decides to shout out a greeting, then its a mad dash for the backyard to return the call of their people. Sadly, they are both big mouths and I am fairly sure the only "call" the entire neighborhood hears is them.  I spend a lot of time in the morning calling them in.  I know they are just saying hello, but they seriously need to learn to whisper. 

As I move into my planned projects for the day, I usually end up forgetting other things, like blogging.  So who knows what the rhythm and flow will become.  

Today, I finished up the 5 batches of soaps that I made yesterday.  I'd gotten a bit behind on making soap. I made a couple of batches back in February for the first time in at least six months or so, I ran out of lye and simply kept forgetting to order more. Finally remembered and then life got busy with birthdays and the like.  Sometimes I wonder how I ever managed to accomplish anything back in the time before. 

The house smells like a heavenly mixture of all the scents, the laundry room (where the drying rack is) is a bit overwhelmed by it all.  Taking the pictures, I longed for the ability to translate scents through the camera.  Kentish rain, lilac, ylang ylang, eucalyptus and cotton, and a mixture called spellbound woods.  The combination would make a candle shop blush. 

Not all of them are pretty, I got distracted a few times yesterday and got to trace way too quickly.  Doesn't matter they will still clean.  I don't really sell my soaps any longer, a few here and there.  Mostly they are for personal use, to trade or to gift.  It just doesn't matter if they are beautiful and colorful.  Pretty much the only reason I added mica to them for coloration is to help me remember the scents.  

spellbound woods = hot mess

eucalyptus and cotton

ylang ylang

Lilac

Kentish Rain

As the wind is whipping and the rains are threatening, I am skipping time in the garden this morning.  Even if it is time to get the cool weather garden going.  I'm not a fan of strong winds, that deck is fairly high and my confidence is fairly low.  

Instead I will head up to the sewing studio.  I have several projects that need attention.  I am learning to make a leather wallet for Hubs, to replace one that I bought him about 20 years ago.  And I have several quilts that waiting for me to finish them.  A bit of time and attention is needed.  

She's got to be able to look out everywhere

Hubs won't be home mid-day for lunch so that means I will be able to focus without interruption.  I don't know about you, but I struggle with refocusing after I have stopped working on something for whatever reason.  I often just move on to a totally different project and forget where I was. 

much love and prayers everyone... b

looking for happiness...

There was a fabulous crispness to the air this morning!  A few random leaves have started to fall.  You can almost smell the end of summer.  Hubs and I walked the boys before the sun even came up.  It was clear, with a bright moon, and slightly cold.  Getting them home posed a serious challenge.  Both of them love the cooler weather and were more than happy to walk super slow to savor every moment.

Shortly after we managed to get them home, we headed to the park to walk.  He hadn't been there yet and I was excited to share the beauty of it with him.  He's in a bit of a funk and I was hoping all that beauty would energize him.  Maybe bring some joy back into his life.  I can't say the walk worked, he's still a bit down. But I sure did see him smile a few times, mostly at the pups being walked by their owners.

I understand what has him down, I completely get it!  I was there myself not too long ago.  I remember wanting to come home, fix an adult beverage and question what I was doing.  Wondering how long I was going to go before I simply lost my mind! I was close, I was teetering on a very sharp edge.  I understand.

I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know that I can.

I guess right now all I can do is encourage him to look for his silver lining, plan for peace and ways to burn stress and move forward.

I know the feelings he is battling are wearing him down and making him tired.  Like I said, not too long ago I was walking in those same shoes. I remember the need to sleep untold hours. Now, I find that I am excited about so many things that I need more sleep and I am bad about getting it.

It's amazing the change little things can do for you.  The smallest positive chance can cause a landslide of positive change.  It's sort of like a tiny snowball that starts rolling, before long it is huge and then it is an avalache in the right setting. I'm praying for that snowball for him.  For an avalanche of goodness.   He deserves it.

He is the kindest, most giving man.  I hate when he is sad and unhappy, I hate when life beats him up.

Although I love the sparkle that being with the grands puts in his eyes!  Grandson #2 has been hanging with us a lot the past few days.  As he and gramps decided to make a run for th custard shop this evening, I could see the love that comes so naturally for him. My heart soared. Feeding the pups the leftover custard, you see that sparkle again.

I can't wait to see it all the time.  I know its in there...

Until then I will just love that silly guy and do everything in my power to bring sunshine back full time.

Date weekend...

Ahhh... Sitting with my feet up, leaning back in my big comfy chair... trying to find my energy...

It's been a busy weekend.  In a very good way!

Yesterday when I hit publish, I realized I had just written the 300th post,  unbelievable.  I guess if I had paid any attention, I would have celebrated it yesterday.  I didn't.  And it seems kind of anti-climatic to do so today.  Today starts, the next journey to a milestone.  Why look backwards?

Hubby and I have been running errands, taking care of so many little things that often get shuffled aside. And somehow turning it all into a weekend long date.  That is one of the things that I love so much about him.  He makes me feel special, even when we do the silliest most mundane things.

It all started with a need for breakfast and nothing in the house to make it with, so instead of starting soap we went in search of breakfast.  Tomato juice, yogurt, poached eggs, bacon, and a sweet handsome man, the day was off to a good start.  While eating breakfast I mention that I needed to find some lavender buds for soap.  I love the buds in my lavender soap, and hadn't realized I had used them all on the last batch. Thus began the quest.  I had looked online for stores in the area that carried lavender, no luck.  Hubby suggested World Market... I love that store, but it is definitely dangerous for me, okay for both of us.

I can find so much of the stuff that I love from growing up in Europe.  I found exactly what I was in search of, and was ready to head to the house to get busy making batches of soap, I really truly was focused.

Hubby was too, unfortunately not on the same thing I was focused on.  Hubby was on a mission.

Next stop, after all it was on the way home, Harley shop... We had a broken clip on the windshield and wanted to order a new part. Nothing moves very fast in there, but luckily I had my knitting and they have a nice comfy chair to sit in.  I did not mind if he shopped and talked motorcycles for a bit, I was entertained.  Quick run home, to get the Harley, they had an opening for an oil change, and we were off again.

Evidently the coffee maker has been rapidly dying, I don't make coffee... years ago I told Hubby it was his job, it even said so in the Bible... Hebrews... I was simply playing, but he seemed to have taken it to heart. He needed a new coffee pot.  Good and bad... The best place to buy it, Bed, Bath and Beyond, is another one of those stores that we should really not go into.  But we did.

That darn place seems to know when I have a few spare dollars to spend, and they make sure to stock the items that intrigue me the most.  Years ago Hubby bought me a KitchenAid mixer, it is one of my favorite toys.  I love to cook and make the food we eat from scratch as much as possible.

I have had the first pasta maker for years, nothing is as yummy as fresh pasta, Grand baby and I have spent many visits making our own pasta.  I know my pasta does not have chemicals or preservatives in it.  Yesterday as fate would have it, the new pasta press was out.  No longer are we limited to flat noodles, the sky is the limit.  In fact, I am getting ready to make a batch with dinner tonight.  Fresh pasta, honey lime scallops and a nice salad (found my favorite German dressing mix at World Market yesterday!), yum, yum...

We also gave in and bought the ice cream maker, we've talked about it for years, but I always drag my feet.  I hate to spend money.  The only thing that makes it easier for me is my growing dislike of not being able to pronounce half the ingredients in my food.  Each time I encounter it, the more frustrated I get. Sorbet, should not have an ingredient list that is longer than 4 ingredients, ever... actually only 3 if you are doing a single flavor.  I am getting ready to start a batch of strawberry sorbet, lets see strawberries, water and a simple syrup.  That I can understand.

I was starting to get quite concerned that I was not going to get my soaps made, my stress level was mounting, the date day was starting to feel like a hostage situation!

Hubby then suggested we take our groceries and toys home so I could start my soap.  Whew... that was close!  Pull up at the house, start emptying the car, get set up to start the oils melting when Hubby comes in  to let me know they Harley was done.  Seriously?

Oh well, another quick dash up to the Harley shop, then home to make soap.

Rapidly the house is filled with the scents, my stress has completely fled, all is right with the world! I was ready to simply spend the day sipping my hefewiese and playing with my soaps, all was right in my world.

Then Hubby reminded me that it was his friend's birthday... hmmmm... I hate difficult decisions, yeah, I know it was the "right" thing to go, but I was enjoying playing.  And honestly, I did not want to drive 45 minutes to the other side of the city to go to a noisy bar to hang out with strangers.  Yes, I am anti-social, problem?  None in my world.  But I am a nice wife, or I try to be...

It wasn't terrible, okay that is a lie, it was so loud there was no ability to have a conversation, I do not care for that particular location, and I do not consider Bud to be beer.  Ice tea, fake conversations and a headache later we at least saved the night by going to see Daughter and Grand Daughter, since we were on their side of the city, on the way home.

Today... it was another date day... hubby was on a mission yet again.  After researching pasta recipes, almost all recipes suggested that sifting the flour makes a better noodle..  We didn't have one.  Evidently, most "normal" people now, do not either, and buying one was a serious exercise in determination.   Four stores later, one was found, the looks of surprise on peoples faces that we actually wanted to buy one was absolutely priceless.

We wandered, laughed, enjoyed each other as we went through our chore list, discovered several new favorite stores and lived life.  I still have another batch of soap to make, bills to pay, a house to tidy back up.  We got our motorcycle ready for next weekend, I got several inches on the sock I am working on, four batches of soap made, and still found time to sit down, kick back and love on my boys.

I love my life. I love the fact that my Hubby doesn't think I am a nut, that he finds value in my uniqueness.  I love the silly man that put on a fashion show in the dressing room for me today. The same one that dances the moon walk in the lobby of my Y to make our Grand Baby laugh. I love that instead of being shocked that I know how to make mayonnaise from scratch, he hovers and can't wait for it to be finished for his tuna sandwich when he discovers that he's run out mid-prep.

I hope that all our daughters find husbands like him.  Or partners in life.  I hope that they can laugh at the silliest things and know the person laughing with them is doing just that.  Enjoying life beside them!

You have now entered a dimension of...

I am not really sure what time zone I am living in, but it's a weird one. Not tired at night, my brain is still on California time... and then awake at four in the morning, what is going on?

Welcome home roses

It's amazing how quickly that glow from a wonderful vacation drifts away.  Hubby was so wonderful!  I forgot to take a picture of my roses, I will have to do that today. But it was so nice to come home to my teddy bear hug! A quick lunch at our favorite diner and then back to work.  He had a beautiful bouquet of roses sitting on my desk for me.  I think he might have missed me.

He was a busy guy while I was gone, I am fairly sure that bachelorhood is not something my once "I will never get married again" hubby is ever going to be made for again.  The house was cleaned, the dogs were bathed, dinner was waiting, an ice cold Erdinger was waiting, he replaced my broken down dryer, and even bought a Roku for the bedroom television so I could watch my shows in the evening.  It felt like a twilight zone episode.

Oh, Hubby is amazing and wonderful, I never want for much of anything ever, in fact I have to be careful... sometimes I will mention something is cool, nice or pretty, I might end up owning it.  But the truth of the matter is that I am married to one of a dying breed.  Hubby is a 1950's Hubby!  He would be happiest if I could be a stay at home wife, and he could be the soul provider.  Truthfully, so would I. I love being a home maker and he loves having his home made. It's a win-win.  Or rather it would be.  Sadly 1950 is a long time ago. 

So for him to do all those domestic chores while I was gone is a bit odd.  Oh he helps, that isn't what I am saying.  But the norm for the hubby... well the norm is that he loves to be taken care of...

So I am sitting in a nice clean house (loving it I might add), sipping coffee (missed that in California), enjoying my morning and wondering why I am up so early.  Realizing I miss my baby girl, maybe I feel like a bit of sleep is all I need... not sure...

Maybe I am exploring what my "passions" really are... that is something that still needs to be chewed on, processed and then put together to make a whole picture.

For now... I think I will sip coffee with hubby and relax for a few minutes before I cut his hair....

Well.. the few minutes ended hours ago... Mr. Impatient needed his hair cut right away... he wanted to take me out for breakfast.  It was nice, very nice... the perfect start to a really long day, that included angel time.  Lots of angel time...

I really am blessed.

Fairy tales can come true...

Wow!  Ten years with Hubby and never a dull moment!!  He promised me that when we married, he would never be boring or dull... have to say he has definitely lived up to that and then some!

I should have known it would be an adventure when Mr. Horseman kept riding off the trail and my smitten horse (being ridden by a terrified rider) kept following... it's definitely been an adventure!

Seat #1

Last night hubby took me to a baseball game, I love to go to live Cardinals games.  Sadly, not the same on the television.  We had great seats, in the field box, just near third base. It was incredible. A couple of German beers before heading out (because... 1 - I'm cheap and almost $9 for a beer is nuts!  and 2 - Budweiser is not really beer... sorry folks, but it's not!), a very short walk to our seats it was all set to be incredible!

A few minutes later, just as the first inning is getting ready to start, a very sweet lady, behind us in the handicap section came up and asked us if we would mind terribly switching them seats.  Their seats were about 5 rows closer and even better than ours, but they wanted to all sit together. Sure!  No problem at all!! 

Seat #2

The evening was definitely getting better, the temperature was perfect and we were close enough to the field read their names on their uniforms, clearly.

I guess I should insert ominous music here... because when things are going that good with Hubby... something is going to happen...

Yikes!  Hello First Aid!

snap... picture taken with the camera... bang... seat collapses with hubby in it right down onto his left ankle...  Yikes!!  Not even through the first inning and folks are running for first aide, helping me unwedge him from the combination of close aisles, seat folded on his leg and him being in a really odd position that maybe resembled a failed yoga pose.

Hmmm.... good thing I had stopped drinking at that point...

The folks at the stadium were awesome, the sweet lady that had asked us to switch was horrified and apologetic, and we watched the rest of the first and all of the second inning from the first aid station.

Seat #3

Foot wrapped, no evident damage, just stuff pulled ways they shouldn't be and we had our third seats of the night... Wow!  These ones were amazing!  We went from behind third base, to sitting behind the dugout... nothing blocking our view, in the shade... WOW!!  Although we did have that rouge Cubs fan (yeah he must have gotten lost and I am guessing by the mass quantity of beer he drank that he was trying to hide his shame)... but it was great!

How did he get in?  Guess he wanted to see a winning team!

Yep!  We won!!

There has never been a dull moment... 10 years ago hubby promised me laughter, joy, adventure and love... Sure there have been rough patches.  The laughter is sometimes bitter.  There really are boring days (I live for those), the adventure has sometimes leaned towards things I could have lived my entire life without, the joy has sometimes been bitten at the edges with sadness and tears.

But the love.. Well the love has always been strong and perfect!  Through the dark times, through the good, during times that test the strongest love... our love has proven to be strong, powerful and everlasting!

Ten years ago, someone said to me... "I give it a year... then we will talk... you will see"... I just want her to know... She was wrong, so very wrong...

My sweet hubby... I love you!!  I'm ready for the next 10, 20, 30.... bring it on!!

What bounces around in your head?

I am up pretty late tonight, for a variety of reasons.  The first reason is the jerky that I am trying to get made, it is my "reason", but it isn't what is keeping me awake.  Hubby is curled up with my Gator boy snoozing, this is a good thing as he will drive tomorrow so I can knit, but I am awake.  My mind is bouncing, a million things are running around up there and I can't seem to get them into any sort of order so they will lay down and let me relax.

I am a wife, mom and Gramma, those are the roles that most define me.  This means my family and my home are of utmost importance to me. And I am very sensitive to things that effect those I love, and lately there is a lot effecting those I love.  It kills me that I don't have a magic wand to wave, that I can't issue hugs, kisses and maybe a cookie and all the problems of the world wash away.

My son is wrapping up one stage in his life and getting ready to tackle an even bigger one.  I am so proud of him, he is doing all the stuff that I was too afraid to do and his focus and drive is mind boggling.  His determination is incredible, I know there have got to be times that he'd like to hide away and take a break, but he keeps on going.  I am worried for him, he doesn't need to worry, I've got it covered! I want him to have everything he wants in life, and it is hard to sit back and watch.  I know he's an adult, but each time I think of him, he's an adorable tow headed toddler that needs his mom... seriously?  I might be crazy... This young man is so intelligent and the things he understands are well out of my ability, but when he smiles and his eyes twinkle with joy, I know he and I will always connect on some basic level that IQ doesn't take away.

My daughter is standing on the precipice of her dreams, she's had so many speed bumps and she is finally ready to tackle the world. I am watching her, remembering her first steps, oh how I want to be like her Daddy was back then and follow her with a big fluffy pillow that will keep her from falling hard and getting hurt.  I know I can't, but I would do anything to protect my baby girl, to protect her heart from any more scrapes and to always be there to lift her higher with  my cupped hands that she can stand in. My heart wants that and more, my head knows that her heart might have to break a bit more before her strength is there.  It kills me when others take advantage of that caring woman that will do anything for any stray to ever cross her path, doesn't matter if it is human or beast, and even when they bite her she still cares for them unconditionally.

My sweet little grand daughter is my heart!  She makes me laugh and smile and she has the ability to rip my heart out with her frank and honest comments and observations.  I cannot wait to spend time with her, I have missed her as she is growing a bit more each day.  She is another one that is far older and wiser than her years, having a conversation with her fills my heart.  Seeing her smile, missing so many teeth right now, is precious beyond words.  Yet when I hear a sadness in her voice, or see a tear in her eye, I race to protect her.  I hope she knows that her Gramma will always be there for her and how unconditionally I love her.

Then there is my hubby, when he is stressed or dealing with things that cause him worry, it makes me sleepless.  He has one of the kindest hearts I know and as a result he is often taken advantage of and I don't want anyone messing with that sweet, kind, loving man!  I hate when people take his sweet heart for granted.  This  is a sweet man who loves deeply enough to create individual "coupons" with heartfelt meaning and thoughtfulness and then to give them to me as the most precious of Valentine gifts.  I hate when I see worry in his face, and know there is nothing I can do to take it away.

Maybe it is because I am a wife, mom and grandma that these are the kind of things that keep me up.  Maybe it is something you never end up growing out of, maybe when you love that much you simply always want to protect those hearts that are important to you.  I can only say a prayer and ask God to protect them and keep them safe as they travel life's path.

But I am still a woman and my heart is still full of worry... those are my babies being battered by the ebb and flow of life.  That hubby is the man I love and cherish, the one I have chosen to spend my life with, and I want him to be happy and without stress...

I guess tonight it simply means that I am going to lose a bit more sleep before my stress lets me close my eyes... and I am really okay with that... because to me, family is everything!