What bounces around in your head?

I am up pretty late tonight, for a variety of reasons.  The first reason is the jerky that I am trying to get made, it is my "reason", but it isn't what is keeping me awake.  Hubby is curled up with my Gator boy snoozing, this is a good thing as he will drive tomorrow so I can knit, but I am awake.  My mind is bouncing, a million things are running around up there and I can't seem to get them into any sort of order so they will lay down and let me relax.

I am a wife, mom and Gramma, those are the roles that most define me.  This means my family and my home are of utmost importance to me. And I am very sensitive to things that effect those I love, and lately there is a lot effecting those I love.  It kills me that I don't have a magic wand to wave, that I can't issue hugs, kisses and maybe a cookie and all the problems of the world wash away.

My son is wrapping up one stage in his life and getting ready to tackle an even bigger one.  I am so proud of him, he is doing all the stuff that I was too afraid to do and his focus and drive is mind boggling.  His determination is incredible, I know there have got to be times that he'd like to hide away and take a break, but he keeps on going.  I am worried for him, he doesn't need to worry, I've got it covered! I want him to have everything he wants in life, and it is hard to sit back and watch.  I know he's an adult, but each time I think of him, he's an adorable tow headed toddler that needs his mom... seriously?  I might be crazy... This young man is so intelligent and the things he understands are well out of my ability, but when he smiles and his eyes twinkle with joy, I know he and I will always connect on some basic level that IQ doesn't take away.

My daughter is standing on the precipice of her dreams, she's had so many speed bumps and she is finally ready to tackle the world. I am watching her, remembering her first steps, oh how I want to be like her Daddy was back then and follow her with a big fluffy pillow that will keep her from falling hard and getting hurt.  I know I can't, but I would do anything to protect my baby girl, to protect her heart from any more scrapes and to always be there to lift her higher with  my cupped hands that she can stand in. My heart wants that and more, my head knows that her heart might have to break a bit more before her strength is there.  It kills me when others take advantage of that caring woman that will do anything for any stray to ever cross her path, doesn't matter if it is human or beast, and even when they bite her she still cares for them unconditionally.

My sweet little grand daughter is my heart!  She makes me laugh and smile and she has the ability to rip my heart out with her frank and honest comments and observations.  I cannot wait to spend time with her, I have missed her as she is growing a bit more each day.  She is another one that is far older and wiser than her years, having a conversation with her fills my heart.  Seeing her smile, missing so many teeth right now, is precious beyond words.  Yet when I hear a sadness in her voice, or see a tear in her eye, I race to protect her.  I hope she knows that her Gramma will always be there for her and how unconditionally I love her.

Then there is my hubby, when he is stressed or dealing with things that cause him worry, it makes me sleepless.  He has one of the kindest hearts I know and as a result he is often taken advantage of and I don't want anyone messing with that sweet, kind, loving man!  I hate when people take his sweet heart for granted.  This  is a sweet man who loves deeply enough to create individual "coupons" with heartfelt meaning and thoughtfulness and then to give them to me as the most precious of Valentine gifts.  I hate when I see worry in his face, and know there is nothing I can do to take it away.

Maybe it is because I am a wife, mom and grandma that these are the kind of things that keep me up.  Maybe it is something you never end up growing out of, maybe when you love that much you simply always want to protect those hearts that are important to you.  I can only say a prayer and ask God to protect them and keep them safe as they travel life's path.

But I am still a woman and my heart is still full of worry... those are my babies being battered by the ebb and flow of life.  That hubby is the man I love and cherish, the one I have chosen to spend my life with, and I want him to be happy and without stress...

I guess tonight it simply means that I am going to lose a bit more sleep before my stress lets me close my eyes... and I am really okay with that... because to me, family is everything!

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