Digging through my thoughts...

The sun setting on a beautiful visit with my boy
There is a lot on my mind lately, in case you haven't noticed... and all of it is random and unformed.  I feel very drawn inward to my family and that is clashing with the need to be very dedicated at work.  I have some serious issues with things going on in our world/country and they are tugging at me to find a way to not let them impact my family. And then I have things that are all about me that are demanding my attention, I strongly feel the need to make personal changes yet feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all.  I guess when you look at  it that way, all of it links back to my family and home.  The key parts of my life always circle back to home.

Yesterday was another bittersweet day, I love going to spend the day with my son it is worth every minute of the drive for the few hours of time I get with him.  We got his haircut done, groceries bought, spent some time talking about the future and cooked his schnitzel.  Hugs later the drive home was hard.  I am now down to two more monthly visits, then the future is so uncertain, I fear it is stressing me more than it is stressing him.  He is a great guy and he is going to land on his feet no matter where he goes to school next or if he decides to jump into working, unfortunately I know that the chance of either of those things bringing him closer to home are slim and none and none is on the bus out of town.

This morning finds me working on treats for my family, reflecting and planning my day.  So much to do...

I am a news junky, but I am reaching the point that the insanity in the country any more is forcing me to block out the news and the knowledge that could be gained.  I am afraid there is little knowledge being shared anymore anyhow.  I think all of it is bias and opinions, what happened to just the facts, nothing but the facts.  I want to make my own decisions and chew on the information and decide how I feel about it.  I do not like being told what to believe, it doesn't work for me.  I also guess because of where I live and work I find a great deal of difference between what they are saying and what I am seeing and dealing with on a daily basis.

My frustration level is rapidly growing.  I was always raised to believe that if you worked hard, did what was right,  and cared for your family and neighbors that the world would stay balanced.  I don't believe all of us can be rich nor can we all be poor, most of us fall somewhere in the middle and our choices (free will after all) dictates where you fall on that spectrum.  If you choose to not do anything, then you have made the choice for the kind of life you want, and it is not my responsibility to change that for you.  I am tired.
"What?  You gave us bath's and now you are leaving?"
 Then reading my morning blogs and links I am finding more and more reason to be suspicious of the food we eat and the junk that we feed our pets.  My Gator was doing so poorly a few weeks ago that I was seriously expecting him to be gone by now.  He was lethargic, moaning and barely doing anything.  Surfing the net I find that the treats he loves have been pulled from the market as they are suspected/implicated in poisoning dogs.  Seriously??

Then I read that Beneful is being implicated also, now my boys don't like Beneful so I wasn't too worried about that particular brand, but the link I keep coming back to is all of this is being outsourced to China. Why are we outsourcing food?  Is this country not big enough that we can make our own food?  One hard target search later, I am making their chicken treats and we discovered Pedigree is made in the USA, still.  There is no longer any food or treats in my home for them that are not made either by myself or in the USA.

For now we will stick with both of those, because my Gator is bouncing like a puppy, running and playing, his eyes are clearer and he is just plain perky!  Neeko is doing great too! Their coats are glowing, they have energy and just seem all around happier.  This really makes me question the "fake" food we are feeding animals and people in this country.  Should the Pedigree stop being made in the USA, then I will find another smaller more local company to buy from or I will start making all their food myself.

"Jerky!!" Dad's got their undivided attention and drool marks too!
I am not even ready to talk about how I feel about GMO's, the government and big corporations digging their greedy claws into our food supply for humans... that is a different topic for a different day... maybe once my fury dies down a bit.

Finally, my goals, I question my ability to move them forward.  Is it insecurity, of course it is.  I am the most insecure person I know.  I haven't even started to get my Etsy page done, my work world is consuming me.  And sadly, I know that is not making a bit of difference in my real world.   I feel like I am spinning my wheels, and not my spinning wheel either!  I have to figure out how to tap into the courage to start putting myself out there, to take that huge giant leap out of my comfort zone and go for it.  I need to find the focus and courage to just do it.  I have cousins that are just going for it, and I feel a tinge of envy and longing to reach for my dreams and know it is ok to do it.

Mom's sweater is almost done, after frogging the sleeve 3 times yesterday, I decided I was too exhausted to go on, and I am going to squeeze in some serious time to finish it today.  Her birthday is coming up fast, and it needs to be put in the mail. Then I am going to give myself permission to reach for the brass ring. I am going to have my Etsy page up and running by March 1.

Does anyone else have days they have to simply dig through their thoughts?  Sort out the mucky, muck that is stalling your quest for something better? 

Ironically, after writing most of this I read my horoscope... seems I am right on the mark for what the planets and stars think I should be doing... hmmmm.... guess I am not done reflecting... who knows what I else I can find to ponder over while my fingers are busy knitting!

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