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Showing posts from June, 2018

father's day...

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Today.

Hubs and I took flowers to the cemetery.  It was the hardest day since we had his service, since we lost him. I thought I was ready.  I thought I was prepared for what waited for me.

I was ready to leave the flowers at the little post with his name on top.  That didn't seem so hard.  It was going to make me sad, just like it did on memorial day.  But it was tolerable. I could handle it.

I was wrong.  Today it wasn't the little post.  His stone came in.  It had replaced that "temporary" marker. It was permanent. It was carved in stone.

Where his stone lies is up a bit on the hill, I had only walked up two rows when I saw it.  Sparkling in the sunshine. Shimmering. I could see his name from all that distance.

I'm not sure how I made it up the rows.  I couldn't see through the tears falling.  My knees were getting weak.  I was in a place I've never been.  A part of my heart died when he left us. I've spent a lot of time making sense of what has p…

tuning in...

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I'm awake.

Sitting in my sitting room in my favorite blue chair.  Gator has been a barking fool this morning, evidently loving the sound of his own powerful deep voice.  He woke up in puppy mode.  At first I was snarly.  I was exhausted, I didn't sleep well last night and had finally fallen deeply asleep to be woken up.

I was snarly at the noise that stirred me, snarly at my sweet Hubs that hadn't taken him for a walk to allow me to sleep.  I do that for him when he's exhausted and in my initial moments awake that was all I could think of.

I heard a phrase yesterday that I cannot get out of my head.  "We're all tuned into WIFM. What's in it for me."  That is where I was.  I am fairly certain I snarled down the stairs to let Hubs know I was going to walk Gator.  It hadn't entered penetrated my self fogged self yet that there was no way he could hear my sweet bucket mouth talking on the main floor over the show he was engrossed in.

I only semi-list…

embracing slow...

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Hubs and I are lounging out on the deck.  The sun hasn't invaded yet, but the pristine blue sky is shimmering overhead.  There is a beautiful breeze and he's playing soft music while enjoying his cigar.  Me?  I'm lost in a million different thoughts, ideas and plans.  Perfectly content to sit out here in our "tree house".  If I was alone I wouldn't be playing music, but I know it soothes him.  I'm focusing on the rustling of the leaves, the birds chirping and all the myriad sounds of nature.

I wasn't ready to cook, I wanted to enjoy some of the early morning beauty.  So I fixed us each a bowl of sweet watermelon to have with our morning coffee.

I haven't checked Facebook all morning, it's been too perfect of a day for me to need the daily uplifting of all the positive sites I follow.  It's been peaceful.  Centered.  Yet when I checked it I was greeted with a memory.  From a time when I made time for important things.

"the peaceful qui…

pause, reflect, move...

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Driving to yet another meeting yesterday morning I was mesmerized by a man in the lane next to me.  I have no idea who he was, in fact I couldn't identify him today unless he was sitting in his GMC conversion van, in the same shirt, with is coffee held just so. It wasn't him that held my interest.

In the midst of rush hour traffic, everyone driving insanely, intent on getting where they are going and looking half asleep, there was this old slightly beat up white GMC conversion van just rolling along.  He wasn't in a hurry, the windows were all rolled down, and he had the look of someone with no where special to be and no hurry to get there. 

He looked to be about Hubs age, dressed for a casual day in his Hawaiian shirt.  The canoe on the roof provided evidence to my fantasy that he was simply chilling.  Leaning slightly forward on the big steering wheel, coffee cup casually to his lips, wind blowing his short gray hair.  He looked at peace with the world.

I was in awe an…