Sitting in my sitting room in my favorite blue chair. Gator has been a barking fool this morning, evidently loving the sound of his own powerful deep voice. He woke up in puppy mode. At first I was snarly. I was exhausted, I didn't sleep well last night and had finally fallen deeply asleep to be woken up.
I was snarly at the noise that stirred me, snarly at my sweet Hubs that hadn't taken him for a walk to allow me to sleep. I do that for him when he's exhausted and in my initial moments awake that was all I could think of.
I heard a phrase yesterday that I cannot get out of my head. "We're all tuned into WIFM. What's in it for me." That is where I was. I am fairly certain I snarled down the stairs to let Hubs know I was going to walk Gator. It hadn't entered penetrated my self fogged self yet that there was no way he could hear my sweet bucket mouth talking on the main floor over the show he was engrossed in.
I only semi-listened to him telling me about this incredibly interesting program he found on Netflix. He was deeply engrossed and hadn't heard Gator. He was tuned into WIFM also.
As we walked and I listened to the birds and watched my boy bouncing along like he was 2 again I realized that neither of us was really aware of how the other was feeling at that moment in time. We hadn't done anything to hurt or neglect the other intentionally. How often do these things happen? Not just in our relationships, but also in our daily lives.
I always try to look at the other person's perspective. When I get cut off in traffic or someone is flying along way over the speed limit, I always try to feel that something is distracting them or they are on their way to the hospital. Sometimes I succeed at rationalizing things, sometimes I don't.
Sitting here with hot coffee slowly waking my senses, with my spoiled old puppy boy while he eats breakfast (yes, he requires your attendance while eating), listening to the documentary that has Hubs so engrossed... I'm grateful.
I'm grateful that yet again my old guy woke up. I know that each day is a gift. And his energetic bouncing today filled my heart with joy. Playing in the yard and watching him run and bounce is something that is all too rare in our lives now. He and Neeko are extreme seniors and this heat is not their friend.
If he hadn't woken me up I would have missed the beautiful bright red cardinal that I saw today, I have learned the sound of their call and was able to see him way up in the top of the tree. The sunrise making the sky a brilliant blue backdrop against the deep green of the tree branches and Mr. Cardinal looking like some dropped a splash of the brightest red paint right in the middle. It had me longing for my camera.
If I hadn't walked them with Hubs I would have missed time spent chatting and catching up, I value my time spent with Hubs. Even the most mundane conversations have value to me. I love talking about our day, thoughts and feelings. He's my refuge from this crazy world. He's still hurting, so it's looking like another shot in the back is coming. Yesterday had appeared so promising.
I am grateful for even the things that frustrate me. Because I have them to be frustrated at.
This week has held some really rough and rocky moments. None of them were personal, but each one felt incredibly personal. My faith in humanity has been severely tested this week. My belief in the basic good in people felt almost shattered. It tore me down.
A young mom, whom I later learned was the daughter of a woman that works for the Y - a woman I know, was shot and killed in front of her 3 young children. Because an eighteen year old decided he wanted her car. He laid in wait. Stole her life, altered her children's forever, and destroyed his own. For a CAR? Guess it never occurred to this young monster to get a job and buy one. She worked hard for her's. She was working on raising her babies to have the same work ethic, raising them with love. I wonder who forgot to raise that greedy monster? Would anyone come forward and talk? That neighborhood is not known for sharing information. "Snitches get stitches".
Another man was shot around the corner from my Y, middle of the day on a busy, crowded business street. Not in a back alley. Not in a derelict neighborhood. Not in some secluded area. Right on the street, a street full of busy restaurants, a museum, tourists and visitors to our city, in front of several huge financial and legal businesses. He'll live. I don't know if they've solved it yet or not.
I listened in absolute anger to a person describe a situation to me that had occurred the night before. Two brothers got into a tussle, brothers do that. At the time, no one realized they were brothers, a woman was screeching for someone to protect her baby, to hurt the other child, threatening bodily harm to the other child. The officer that was restraining said child asked where his mother was, he pointed to the same woman. The restrained child showed them bruises, told them that his other siblings beat him with bats, that his mother not only allowed it, but encouraged it. That this child was being mentally and physically abused at home. He'd reached his snapping point. His very soul was injured. This young man who was pleading for help was told he had to go home with the very woman he was screaming for his harm and abuse. It wasn't until he threatened to kill them with the knives that he kept under his mattress that anyone listened.
They slowly learned that the entire family was on medication, and that none of them had had it for quite some time. It wasn't important to mom. The police escorted them to the hospital. Where "mom of the year" summarily dumped her son into the custody of the hospital with a swipe of a pen and drove off, leaving him there, alone. I learned more of her story yesterday. I almost threw up. She deserves to be behind bars, her children all removed forever from her life and she needs to be struck barren. No one should have the ability to destroy lives like that. NO ONE!
I saw two senior men, that had the ability to function as young children, with their caregivers at the store. I needed a few things for work. Watching the way they treated them filled me with rage. No one deserves to be belittled and yelled at simply for existing. Time for a career change.
I heard a man prescribing racism to a young child's actions when an older boy unfamiliar to her took her bike. He stated that the only reason she demanded it back was because he was black. Even while acknowledging that all of the children in the neighborhood always played together and they literally reflected the rainbow colors of our world. It never occurred to him that the child simply didn't want an unfamiliar child to take her bike without asking. It was because of his skin color. Hmmm... guess he's never spent time with children.
There were other things. There were so many other hurtful things bombarding me. This week I wanted to run away. I wanted to find a quiet place to forget about the evil and simply live my life with my Hubs, pups and the kids if they wanted to run away with us.
I was emotionally and mentally tired.
This week the entire city seemed tuned into WIFM and not at all in a good way.
Yet, slowly the world started to remind me that I could have faith in humanity.
A dear friend got the news that her health is on an upswing, she faced a demon she was terrified of and it appears that it's worked! There was news of babies and people that I thought were leaving choosing to stay. A community came together to say no we aren't going allow that young mother's death to be in vain and in 24 hours it went from no suspects to apprehended and held with a one million dollar cash bond. The greater community rallied to support those children a Go Fund Me that was originally set with a $50,000 goal and had topped it with $150,000 in just 12 hours.
Conversations were had that maybe turned the lens from racism to manners. I wish all of the terrors had been washed away in that crazy electrically charged lightening and rain storm the other night, but at least a few were. I'll take a few.
WIFM isn't always a bad thing. Because knowing what people need to feel good is how behaviors and processes are changed. But when it becomes your only lens, its heart wrenching.
Thank you for taking a moment to read while I have sorted through this overwhelming week. I think I am going to spend this day decompressing, enjoying time with Hubs and the boys, checking in on my babies and getting ready for Father's Day. The first without my Dad.
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