patience...

It's another beautiful, mild summer morning.  The kind that is full of promise, well until at least noon, then it will be warm and humid.  I'll take it.  As I've been moving through my morning, I've had  overwhelming thoughts today.  The word slow, it feels like a mantra today.  Slow. 

It's been just over 4 years since I came home to be a homemaker.  It's been such a beautiful transition.  This morning as I flitted around, watering the gardens and grass, harvesting the first blackberries after 2 full years of babying them, fixing breakfasts and starting ice cream for dessert I feel content. 

I feel like I am finally at the spot I've always wanted to be in, I just took the seriously long way around the block to get here. The slow road. 

Even when we are tiny kids going into kindergarten, we are being programmed, our schooling is so much different.  I was watching a beautiful video the other day of children in a Chinese kindergarten, I wished that peace for all children starting on their journey of learning.  They were painting, drawing, weaving, sewing, doing embroidery, cooking, gardening, creating in all manner.  No one was being taught to sit still, there were no circles it was a warm and inviting place full of curiosity.  I was so enthralled I watched it over and over again.  Outside of school that is how my own grands have been raised.  To try things, to enjoy learning at their own pace and with a self driven passion.  It's nothing to find the Dragon using power tools and painting or planting a garden that her mom isn't aware of until it's there. 

Now I have no idea what happens outside of that small snippet of time and it wouldn't have mattered where in the world that video was taken.  It was the beauty of watching the learning and growth. I might have a very different idea of education, if I had been in the space I am in now when my children were young, I am sure that I would not have sent them to public schools.  I would have definitely had free range kids.  

But that isn't what this is about.  I feel, and maybe fear, that we have been completely programmed to be worker bees.  To be productive, to feel comfortable and safe in a 9 - 5 window of time, being told when we can use the restroom, take a break, eat our lunch.  Free thinking and doing things the way that you feel most creative and productive is frowned on.  

I didn't like school.  It brought on strong feelings of control, I felt claustrophobic.  I felt that we were forced to fit into spots that didn't feel natural.  I was that kid that sat there, daydreaming, staring out windows, doodling, being anything but productive. It felt like punishment.  Square peg in a round hole syndrome.

I've spent 4 years unlearning a lifetime of programming.  When to sleep, when to wake, when to do, what to do, who to interact with, who to avoid.  In these four years, I've been solitary for a large part of the time. There have been a handful of friends that I have allowed into my space. A space filled mostly with my sweet Hubs and my pups.  

the center of my world ❤

It's been slow.  

I sleep when tired now, it's not unusual for me to be up in the middle of the night, or taking a quick nap in the afternoon.  I don't live a "schedule and time" philosophy any longer.  I have to work hard to remember what the day of the week is.  Not because I worry about a Monday - Friday schedule so much, but because I don't care.  As long as we remember to put out the trash once a week, I'm good.  Yet, in this midst of not caring, I am busier than I have ever been, and feel my spirit soaring from it all.  I take days of rest, today is one - after a string of days of heavy and intense work, I am weary and plan to sew and/or paint the day away for the most part.  I will still make meals, I still tidied the house, but I am making time for beauty in my spirit and world.  I am going to spend time creating.  I need it.

The days of squeezing in must do's on the "weekends" made life far more stressful.  There was no peace in that, no time for the spirit to recharge, to reconnect with self and earth. 

how cheerful is that?

Sometimes Hubs spends weekend time helping me with projects that are bigger than I can handle alone, like this weekend when we rebuilt our little front bench.  Taking it from worn, broken and tired.  To sturdy and vibrant red. We started it early in the day on Saturday, scrubbing, replacing wood, sanding it and then painting it.  We'd moved it into the garage as the weather was spotty.  Sunshine, rain, sunshine, huge storm.... that was the rhythm of the day.  As we waited out the last two meds of the night for our Beau, we sat in the garage together, talking while painting.  It was priceless time.  I didn't need his help by that time, I cherished and needed his company and the quiet uninterrupted time together. 

see the old tired color in the corner?

We used to do that more when we were younger and I hadn't started working outside our home.  Then as my career choices started to consume our lives, it faded into a blur of exhaustion and disconnection.  Thankfully, while his career has spurts of time where he works stupid long hours and our life is semi on hold, it is rare.  He has a flexibility that I did not have.  For me there was a time that a promise of lunch together never happened.  He would show up with lunch for us and end up eating alone as I worked through that precious time. 

Now, because of the changes, we have lunch together about 98% of the time, we spend our mornings together and evenings belong to us.  As does much of the time during the day, even though he still works full time.  We have flexibility to chat throughout the day, to see each other at odd moments.  My "job" allows me to pause whenever he has a spare moment.  To dip out for an ice cream in the middle of the afternoon or simply pause and enjoy one another's time. 

Slowly, much like the garden grows, life has evolved into something precious.  As I picked the first blackberries this morning in the early morning dew before starting the sprinkler, I couldn't wait to share the bounty with Hubs.  He'd been doubtful we would enjoy any of the harvest. Birds, deer, bunnies, he figured they would enjoy it long before we did.  His reaction to the little basket of berries was priceless. We've watched them for months, from flowers, to hard green baby berries, to soft red, to deep red, to black... it's been slow, it's been calming.  

The lessons we've learned from the garden.  

As I watered this morning, I took note of the changes.  I have so many baby tomatoes, peppers, jalapenos, there are more green beans to pick.  At least in the treetop garden.  I think the neighbor had her yard sprayed for broad leaf weeds on a windy day, all the green beans in the lower area are struggling hard.  The leaves are shriveled, there are no flowers, they are still growing, but painfully. 

first harvest of the season

I don't understand why we feel compelled to spray chemicals around us.  To poison the earth, to destroy.  But that is their choice not mine.  My yard is never going to look like a golf course, for which I am thankful. At night I have the joy of seeing firefly's, although my neighbors yards are missing them.  I have tons of bees of all types buzzing about.  The Japanese beetles are the bane of my garden, but I will silently pick them off my plants in the early hours when they are still and dispose of them in a bucket of soapy water.  They are not native and are destructive to our ecosystem. 

Guess it is kind of like we are programmed to do the things.  We are programmed to want that pristine lawn.  So many things like that are everywhere now... the sadness....

Before the sun ever rises, most days, Hubs and I have already shared some of the richest time of the day.  I will have tended gardens, prepared breakfast, we slowly move through a space that is there to be cherished. 

Taking notes, while wandering in the gardens, of what needs dealt with and making a plan in my head as to when I will take care of it.  I realized that I finally feel complete.  My days are now a mix of have to's (some things are simply a necessity) and want to's.  When I worked full time outside the home, I started to read a book, about taking back the weekend.  I never finished, it was simply depressing.  I knew with the path I had followed that was a fairytale.  My weekends were solely preparation for the week ahead and dealing with issues all weekend.  There was no peace to it, and there was definitely no taking it back. 

Hubs is off this weekend, he has three days off for the third weekend in a row and we are stumped.  We long to go camping (but its HOT with far too great a chance of rain for most of the weekend), we thought about visiting one of our favorite cities, and bum around - but again it's HOT! Who knows after a week spent doing deep cleaning and chores, we might just spend the weekend relaxing and resting. We have that luxury now.  We might not have as much disposable income these days as when I worked outside the home.  We definitely have a richer life.  

Well, as much as I am enjoying pondering and thinking out loud, I think it's time to fix myself a big glass of ice water with lemon and start on the things I want to do.  I might combine sewing and painting.  I can start the painting and do some piecing while it dries?  Sounds like a good idea to me...

Cherish the moments, stop being drawn into some of the ideas that are out there and simply live a good life.  I cannot recommend it enough... 

love and prayers... 

b

perspective...

The entire world feels hazy, wet and green this morning.  I stood out on the front porch with the pups drinking my coffee, the rain was so steady that the road looked a bit like a river rushing towards the storm drain. Out back it's hard to take a picture because the green is almost overwhelming and beautiful.  The wind rustling the leaves is beautiful and refreshing.  Although the bouncing temperature is enough to make me crazy... today it is cold, sweatshirt weather, working on the lawn two days ago it was in the high 80's and I was hating life.  Yet, I love this time of year!

I usually do not react to the pollen from all of the oak trees surrounding us.  This year, my eyes and throat are in a permanent state of scratchy. I'm beyond thankful for the rain washing it all away.  It looks like the rain is going to fall for a couple of days, I am hoping it washes all of it away!

The silence that comes with the rain is so peaceful.  The stillness of the world is a blessing.  I know I've mentioned that I am finding so much peace in a slower life.  Ironically the slower and more peaceful life gets the more I find myself being forgetful and less connected to things.  

My poor Hubs had to listen to me frantically trying to find the dog collar I had just swapped out this morning.  I had walked a straight line from the sitting room to the kitchen with Beau's collar.  I had Belle's new one in my hand, but simply couldn't figure out where I put Beau's.  I was starting to think I'd finally lost my mind.  We are talking about 20 steps, retracing, looking, checking to see if I had actually walked the 10 additional steps to the laundry room and didn't realize it.  It was no where to be found. I was seriously starting to question myself at that point.  I was distracted by what Hubs was saying, not paying attention I guess, but had placed the old collar over my shoulder so that I had both hand free to work on Belle's sizing of her new collar.  After about 5 minutes of walking back and forth, questioning my ability to evidently be left at home and in charge of anything, I reached up to pull my hair back and found the collar. I guess I just found another way of getting additional steps in for the day. 

These kind of things happen a lot in my world these days.  I thought it was simply I'm getting older, but then I talk to folks significantly younger and they are experiencing the same thing.  It's highly annoying.  I question why it's happening, and then I realize I don't really care.  It's not like I forgot something important, who knows maybe my brain is at capacity for worthless, stupid information and refuses to store anymore until I clean up the mess.  Similar to the storage in my sewing room?

A friend commented that the world is heavy right now, in response to yesterday's post.  I was pondering that assessment while standing and watching the rain.  I couldn't help but feel it was perfect.  The world does feel heavy.  I find myself refusing to engage in anything that is heavy, divisive or ugly.  I'm finding I don't want to interact with things as silly as quilting groups, gardening groups, etc online because of the divisiveness. I can still love the people, the skills, the art, but my spirit wants nothing to do with the attempt at ugly. I won't support it in any manner. I find I can't. 

Maybe my assumption about devolving is inaccurate, maybe we are truly evolving.  Maybe when all of this heavy ugliness falls away we will truly be a cohesive family of people.  We will finally be able to celebrate our differences and revel in them.  I long for the days of having a conversation and not having to worry about the ugly waiting to creep in.  I long to spend hours talking with people that are coming together from different view points and just talking.  Striving to understand and learn.  In most cases it's only a matter of perspective. I'm tired of all the my way or the highway conversations.  

My picture 

Hubs picture, same moment in time, 
different perspective

We have friends that are from Pakistan, we've all been busy and had not spoken in a bit, we miss having them as neighbors. Thankfully by chance it happened that they were talking about missing us and we were talking about missing them and by happenstance we ran into the husband at Walmart of all places.  As we stood there speaking and catching up, hearing about his recent trip home to visit his family, about his parents whom we have met and adore, all of it was so welcome and wonderful.  In my head I could hear his sweet wife always saying "in our culture we do this or that".  It is never a demand for submission to their culture and way of life, so much as an education of how things are for them.  I cherish those kinds of moments.  Far too often nowadays people do not come or receive from that perspective.  I miss it. 

I grew up all over the world, dancing in and out of different cultures, learning, absorbing, experiencing.  I'm not sure what it would be like to go to some of those places today.  I have been blessed to observe and participate in so many cultural specific events, services, observances I was never once asked to forsake who I was to be part of those things. I was simply welcomed.  

I think, in today's world, we struggle to simply accept that we are all unique and different and wonderful.  I wish this rain could wash away some of that.  I don't want us all to become the same, I want us all to retain and respect what makes us unique.  

close up of a pot of chamomile
very hard to see in the large picture

As you can probably tell, my brain is struggling to break free from a lot of what the world feels like.  I want to live my simpler life, I want to step back.  I rarely turn on television, media, or anything of the sort.  I spend time learning and doing.  Chasing creative outlets of any kind.  Drawing people near me that want to play in those playgrounds. 

I don't want the other stuff near me. 

Yesterday my new friend (my pups new friend's momma) and I were talking about the jar of cowboy candy I'd given her.  I was giggling as she said she'd almost text me the night before with a "you bi%ch" text, as her mouth was on fire.  I had warned her it had fire, but that sweetness definitely hides it well. As we talked she mentioned that her daughter wants to learn to make jellies and the like.  I didn't hesitate for a second as I offered to teach her. She will be on break from college soon, we will find time to make it happen.

Let me share the old ways, let me create a village of like minded people.  Note I didn't say the same.  I want to be surrounded by a village, one were everyone brings perspective, skills and hope.  I probably belong in a commune somewhere, are those still a thing?  I know my village is more based in a homesteading, old-fashioned ways and values, thinking outside of the box, artistic, self-sufficient and probably a bit untrusting of anything governmental based.  But that doesn't mean I don't want to learn from everyone.

Yeah, my brain is in over drive, probably why I couldn't find that collar - who has room in their head for such trivial thoughts when sorting out all this other garbage. 

love and peace, b

but why?

Good morning!! I am in the process of rerouting my day.  So let's celebrate the good things!  There is so much negativity and pain going around.  It's starting to wear people down and it's really making me sad.  As I came downstairs this morning ready to start the day after a uneasy night I could hear Hubs in the basement.  He was definitely not in a happy place.  I stopped to see if there was any assistance I could offer, but as it was a purely technological issue, I quickly gave him a kiss, grabbed my coffee and headed back up to spend the morning with the pups.  

Over the course of a few hours and few people Hubs' mood has definitely gotten darker, even though he kept trying to right the ship.  I'm hoping when he gets home he will be his usual easy going self.  I understand his frustrations.  I truly do.  I'm a bit shocked at the folks causing them, not the usual suspects so to speak.  Which is what leads me to rerouting my day. 

What in the world is wrong with folks?  The grousing and the world owes me attitude is exhausting.  Some of the things I hear come out of people's mouths or worse in writing, blows my ever loving mind!!  I can imagine my parents bringing me up short if I had ever thought I was that important and irreplaceable. 

Newsflash... we are all replaceable.  In every aspect of our lives, with the exception of family, and even those dynamics are something that can be walked away from. Families break apart all the time for a multitude of reasons.  Do they still share blood, oh yeah, do they share a life, not always. 

Friendships, relationships, careers, schools, groups, committees, businesses, etc... the list is absolutely endless. We all can be replaced.  Which is why I am not understanding the way people are behaving lately. Or maybe they have always been this way and I had deep red, rose colored glasses on. 

maybe we should try tug o war?

If I get annoyed with how a business treats me, I go somewhere else.  If you are my friend and you start treating me in a way that is ugly and demeaning, well, our friendship is done. Same goes for any type of relationship.

When I am out in public and I listen to how people interact with fellow team members I am shocked.  I can tell you I have never told a boss or supervisor when I would work, who I would work with or what I would do.  Heck, I didn't even know those kinds of things could happen.  But they definitely do with alarming regularity. 

In my humble opinion, none of us is guaranteed anything in this world.  We need to be able to work together, to treat others with the same respect we ourselves want, and we definitely need to be able to communicate.  We need to have empathy for the struggles that others are dealing with, but at the same time be willing to either walk away (if the relationship isn't worth saving) or call someone out (if it is) when those struggles become the entire world they are living in. We all do it, some of just have those amazing people in our lives.  The ones that help us navigate what appears to be impossible.

I keep watching as more and more people become lost in this crazy, ugly space.  Demanding.  It's exactly like the years that I was a teacher in the 2 year old room.  I loved that age, they were busy discovering who they were and would become. I also hated that age, with an absolute passion.  When challenged they became rigid, unmovable, unwilling to try to understand another alternative might work better for them.  And they simply didn't have the words.  And when the words aren't there, the emotions and rage inside at being unable to verbalize their needs became downright torturous external behavior.  We've all heard about the terrible twos and even if you haven't experienced you can understand.  

I am fairly certain that all of us forever retain that rebellious 2 year old deep inside.  I think most of us manage to acknowledge that we have moments when we are unreasonable, we feel unable to verbalize our wants and needs in an appropriate manner, and we feel a little like the storm outside us is too big and it's affecting the inside us. Most of us still retain the ability to recognize that and to handle it like adults. We step away, we reflect, we get hold of our emotions before we speak. 

What I am watching from my quiet place is a world that is rapidly devolving into an out of control 2 year old playroom. Where half the kids got the toy everyone wanted and the adults stepped out to watch through one way glass.  There is yelling, pushing, shoving.  The experiment is escalating out of control, the inner 2 year old is winning. Name calling, tantrums, hair pulling, screaming, tears (lots of tears) and a whole lot of "mine, mine, mine".  And don't forget the ever present "NO!". 

When pushed into these scenarios with the inability to communicate appropriately, the wheels come off the bus. Are things like social media or media in general, causing this decline in the ability to acknowledge a situation without throwing yourself on the ground and having a tantrum?  I have no idea, but I long for a simpler time, a gentler time. 

Life is never going to be "fair".  There will always be have's, have not's and I don't cares.  There will always be those that life just flows for, there will always be strain and stress.  None of us will ever agree with another 100% on anything.  Even if it is a blood family member or the love of your life, your soul mate.  There will still be things that make you scratch your head, step back and go "huh?".  And it's okay. As Hubs always quotes "wouldn't it be a drag if we were all the same".

But throwing verbal tantrums, demeaning others, being disrespectful or rude.  Sorry, I firmly believe there is no place in this world for that kind of nonsense.   And when full grown men and women act like they are toddlers.  That is just exhausting.  When businesses refuse to hear and deal with customers in a helpful manner, even more exhausting. 

Dealing with that kind of negativity isn't helping anyone.  My parents taught me you get more flies with honey.  Now I do believe flies are very attracted to poop too, so that might not be a sound analogy, but the fact remains, if you want me to be on by your side, to be an ally and a supporter, then you'd better be bringing the honey.  It doesn't matter if we think the same, feel the same, have the same hopes, dreams or goals.  I will be beside you, as long as you are kind and willing to meet somewhere close to the middle.  Start threatening, demanding or acting like you are a 2 year old without the skills required to communicate and we are going to be done. 

Standing on the sidelines, observing all of this, it really makes me sad.  I feel for the fact that my sweet Hubs who would do anything for anyone (literally - he doesn't set the strong boundaries that I do) has anyone acting like that... well mind blown. People seriously need to revisit using internal filters before speaking, texting, emailing, etc.  "Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind", I believe that is the filter that Buddhist practitioners use. Maybe it would benefit us all?

I absorbed as much of his energy as I could this morning, hoping by being a safe space he would have a better day.  I knew it wasn't directed at me.  I knew he was feeling the effects of outside forces. I get it.  I wish I could put a blanket of protection around him, I wish a few other things, but I can't so I won't... 

As he left to deal with a world that is rapidly devolving, I decided it was time to refocus.  To change the trajectory of the moment.  I know rain is coming this afternoon, evidently lots of it.  My body is a bit weary from pushing so much the past few weeks, I do have a health issue that causes those kinds of pains to linger unfortunately.  But I still had outside chores to tackle, so... I did.  

Before the rain I got the obedient plants in the ground along the fence line, I am hopeful that the fact that they like to spread out will mean they will head down the steep hill to provide erosion control. And I planted the tall asters along the front of the lower deck.  I adore my neighbor on that side, but I am not fond of the lack of a physical barrier and the exposure while enjoying the time out back.  I am a person that likes privacy. When I invite you in, I cherish that time, the rest of the time, I might be a spoiled two year old that put myself in timeout. 

The lady I bought the plants from assured me that the Asters will grow to about 5 or 6 feet tall and they will also spread.  I am toying with adding more zinnia seeds in between while waiting for that to become the reality.  A little beauty mixed with a little privacy.  Seems like a win/win to me. 

how did it get under there?

Digging in the soil, marveling at the thick earthworms that are moving back into yard, breaking the large clumps of flowers so that they can expand and grow... all of these things slows the pace.  Calms the spirit, connects us to things that matter., grounds us. 

Hubs will be home in a few hours for lunch, hopefully he is able to calm the stressors that were causing his morning to go off the tracks.  For me, I am planning a calm rest of the day.  A chance for my weary, painful muscles to rest.  I will tackle the softer things on my list.  Let things ease up.  

Bring on the rain... I'm ready... 

love and peace, b

opinions...

I've found the past few days to be calming and centering.  I haven't thought about writing and I honestly haven't missed it, until late yesterday, I hadn't really thought about it.  I've been gently living life and absorbing things around me.  Trying to stay super neutral so that I can see all sides of things. 

When you step back and simply observe you find things are spiraling in so many areas.  You can see so much that you miss in the noise of participating. Some of it saddens me, it makes me question if people are actually aware of what is going on around them.  If they have thought out all of the ins and outs or if they are simply living in the moment.  Forgetting all of the precious lessons that history has taught us.  

"Those that do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it" was first written by philosopher George Santayana, The Life of Reason 1905.  Many through the ages have edited it and changed it to suit the times in life.  But the fact is, it's pretty solid advice. I've always lived by it and strive to fully understand things that have happened in the past.  

Taking time to study and learn.  And when new evidence arises taking time to re-evaluate what I thought I knew vs the new evidence and where the understanding took me from there.  I can say there are many things I thought I knew very well, things I had accepted and thought made sense until they didn't. 

What I am discovering is that there really isn't anything new under the sun and we are always repeating a lesson that we didn't learn well enough in the past. 

For example a dear friend posted their stance on the latest attempt to change the 2nd amendment.  I didn't comment.  I couldn't.  I needed time to process it.  Because the only thing that came to mind was the poem "First They Came" by Pastor Martin Niemoller.

First they came for the Communists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Communist

Then they came for the Socialists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Socialist

Then they came for the trade unionists

And I did not speak out 

Because I was not a trade unionist

Then they came for the Jews 

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Jew

Then they came for me

And there was no one left

To speak for me

 He was a complicated individual, who didn't realize until far too late that the very things he had supported, the antisemitic activities against the Jewish people would eventually come around to him when he spoke out about the Nazi control of the church. 

When you learn about these things and struggle to remember them, it is easier to see what is happening. Did you know the Jewish people were not allowed to own guns? Why?  What was the reasoning behind it? I personally do not care if you own a gun or you don't.  I don't care if you have an entire armory or you are opposed to all guns.  The truth of the matter is the criminals aren't going through a background check at any point.  They simply don't care.  Our constitution was designed in such a way that we are given freedom at birth, that amendment has nothing to do with hunting.  

It is one of the things that protects us from losing those rights and freedoms.  It breaks my heart into a million pieces when folks don't do research, don't learn from the past, don't study every side of an argument or bill. 

There is a lot going on right now.  None of it is in our favor.  We are simply the chattel that will continue to slave away to make a very small percentage of humans wealthy beyond comprehension.  We are expendable as long as we allow it.  Stop for a moment and think about mass shootings, when do they occur and no we are not the only country suffering from them, so lay that to rest.  We are just the only country being talked about in the media non-stop because we have those rights that others don't.  

Think about what the media is putting out there, think about the responses, really think and look.  Eyes wide open, look.  Before you decide your thoughts and feelings based on biased, non-stop repeating news stories, research (hint go to nontraditional sources).  Dust off the real encyclopedias - the ones that cannot be edited and locked every time there is a new update to "the facts".  The ones written before this time and place. 

I never would have believed 1984 was going to be a guidebook to our lives, but here we are.  I'm tired of newspeak, I'm tired of the control.  So far since I've been silent I've heard the WEF wants us to give up our own cars, eat bugs and cut our nitrogen and CO2 emissions in the name of a greener planet.  Newsflash for all of those non-gardening/farming folks out there both nitrogen and CO2 are critical for a greener planet, they are literally the food for the green of the planet. 

Stop and think about it all.

Our children are not learning about banking, finances, the way our government works, how to protect themselves from predatory practices.  They aren't truly learning about the environment and what keeps it healthy and thriving in schools anymore.  If you look at curriculum and the stuff coming out of schools as assignments, it's positively unsettling. I'm thankful my children are finished with school, I wish my grands were.  The things that are important to create responsible adults are being brushed past, a brief footnote.  Thankfully, I am not faced with the decisions to unschool or homeschool vs. a traditional education.  I pray for those that are. 

They are pushing folks to move into over crowded urban areas.  It will be better they say.  For whom?  Want to learn something disturbing?  Check out Neom, in Saudi Arabia, and like I said, nothing new under the sun... then learn about Prora.  I grew up in Germany, I have witnessed first hand the tiny apartments stacked one on top of another.  No thank you, I simply don't like neighbors that much.   

Prora

I know our news media isn't covering it, but it appears the Dutch and Italian farmers are giving their governments a run for their money and good on them.  I read a comment on one of my gardening groups that stunned me more than words.  The article was about the farmers being tired of all the restrictions being placed on them, how difficult it was making it to provide the crops that are needed to feed the world in general (and yes, we can grow sufficient food for the entire planet - no one needs to be dying of starvation - do some actual research if you don't believe me).  But the comment that literally made my head spin was from a woman and her response was... "I don't know why people are worrying about the farmers and their crops, everyone knows you can just go to Kroger or Albertson's and buy all that you want"... 

Was she serious?  Lord I hope not.  But given the way things are going... sadly I fear she was. They have created a total disconnect between people and where their food comes from.  Heck, saw an advertisement from German about Insect Burgers. Ummmmm nope. Not interested. In fact, do your kiddo's a favor, take them to farms, let them harvest their own food.  Teach them to can and put it away for the winter months. Don't know how?  There are so many wonderful people that will teach them the skills that are being lost to technology, find those people, spread that knowledge.  

Let them savor the sweetness of a peach picked straight from the branch.  Soft and sweet. Tree ripened fruit has no comparison in the grocery store. Or let them wander through fields of overgrown blackberry bushes like I did this past weekend.  The kids that were with their parents were having a great time looking deep within the vines for the ripe lush blackberries, they knew that they were helping their mom gather for the blackberry cobbler they were going to have for dinner. Their screaming and yelling drove me bonkers, but in their defense I wasn't feeling well, so everything was driving me bonkers.  The beauty is that they understood where that wonderful treat was coming from.  Shop farmers markets, find that field ripened produce and support your local farmers, stop being the cog that is feeding the machine designed to destroy us.  

As you can see, I've had a lot on my mind.  I'm still sitting back and watching.  I'm taking the approach that I can't change the world, but I can learn to flow through it. Today will be a busy day, because even though I wasn't 100% feeling awesome on Saturday we went to the Amish market and picked blackberries.  Hubs and I managed to can all of the green beans yesterday, even saved a few seeds to be able to grow my own next year, but the summer cold that I managed to get has been kicking my behind just a touch.  

So today is salsa making, canning potatoes, making some bread (wheat free) in honor of Lughnasadh (the first harvest of the year), and canning up some yummy peaches.  Winter will soon be here and the flavors of summer will make those days far brighter and more welcoming. If there is any energy left untapped at that point I will make another batch of jalapeno's, a few more pickles and something with my paltry little 3 pounds of blackberries.  I don't know if I will get it all finished, this cold has definitely slowed my roll, but this is the best I've felt in days, so time to get busy. 

Life is crazy folks.  Please be aware, please pay very close attention.  Because much like the poem I quoted above the time may come when there will be no one to speak for you. 

love and prayers.... 

these times...

So... it is time for Mother Nature to stop, just stop!  The windchill this morning is -1°, as in negative.  I'm so over the cold.  The trees that are heavy with buds agree with me, so do the flowers that have started pushing through and blooming.  Promising that spring time is right around the corner.  I've never been so thankful that the pups agreed and did all of their business in the yard this morning, deciding it was too cold to walk.  I was ready, but I was not excited to walk in the bitter cold.  Just the few minutes we were out there was enough for my fingers to be semi-frozen.  

Tomorrow is supposed to be a balmy 62°, it's no wonder that so many folks are struggling with colds and viruses. It seems like every other day one of our friends is getting sick.  They go to the docs because after the insanity of the last two years everyone rushes to the doc when they feel poorly, only to discover that they have the common cold or an undiscovered type of virus that simply needs to run it's course.  I do find it odd, that with so many folks feeling poorly that it's been almost a month since I have spoken to anyone diagnosed with C19, I'm thankful that has run it's course and people are allowed to just get a cold. I'm sad that so many are so fearful as a result. I just hope all of them get to feeling up to snuff soon. I mean that nice weather is definitely going to be something to enjoy. 

Folks, please tell me that you have your cupboards and freezers filled.  That you are personally channeling some of your parents/grandparents habits from making it through the depression.  Yesterday I ran to the grocery to pick up a few supplies to make my babies their treats, more than a few times I had some sticker shock.  But worse, I was leaning in to grab a package of frozen liver and this senior couple was standing their sorting through the over full bin of corned beef and they were discussing how very expensive it is.  I wasn't eavesdropping the conversation was quite loud, and heart-wrenching.  They kept wondering if they were in the wrong section, were they only looking at the expensive cuts?  Surely these prices can't be right. Were they even going to be able to afford corned beef?  What could they not get so they could have it.  They were so upset and started muttering that maybe they could have something else for St. Patrick's Day.  Just as I was getting ready to offer to buy it for them, they found a small one towards the bottom that wasn't horrible.  It also wasn't big enough for much.  But they were thrilled to still be able to celebrate as they had their whole lives. 

Sadly, I think this is not only going to continue, but I think it's going to get worse. It's not based on anything but common sense, paying attention and being alert. Having been raised military, having raised my babies military, I am extremely aware of how much things cost and how much they have risen.  I know how to live on a limited income. We are being played emotionally and pushed into a state of extreme control. I've read a quote many times over the years about controlling oil and food you can control nations and people.  It has been attributed to Henry Kissinger. I was a bit young when he was active in our politics, but one cannot help feel that this is exactly what is going on in this day and age. 

Have you bought seeds?  Do you have a plan to plant a few things to supplement your groceries?  Oddly victory gardens are trending on most search engines, popping up in social media ads, and getting those seeds is definitely a must.  I am even dusting off my actual gardening books, I have some knowledge, but definitely not enough. 

I am not being a doomsayer, nor am I trying to stress anyone out.  I'm just saying it might be smart to start having a plan B or C.  We are so accustomed to simply driving to the grocery store to pick up what we want.  Many of us don't even plan leftovers or have a plan to use those leftovers to in our meal planning.

I am struggling with the information coming out of our so called leaders.  I am struggling with all of the excuses.  I am struggling with watching people make harder choices than they have been being conditioned to make.  I am struggling with people in all walks of life having to choose to do without, because they simply do not have the ability to expand their sources of income, for whatever reasons are presented to them. I feel too many narratives are incomplete and missing key elements, when questioned they can't stand up to the questions. 

Too many of us have not been seeing the subtle changes happening all around us.  I believe strongly the TP shortage was simply the trial run. And that we are being conditioned to accepting a different kind of life. 

Maybe I am being overly skeptical.  Maybe my natural questioning and untrusting nature is kicking into overdrive.  I don't know.  But I feel deeply that now is the time to dig out those old, almost forgotten habits that you may have seen your elders do, or that you yourself may have used.  Now is the time to remember to use it up, use it out, make it do or do without.  

Do you know how to can?  Have you ever planted a garden (even a small one)? Baked breads or may treats from scratch.  When my kids were small I always baked cookies or sweet treats for them, as they grew and I became busier I fell into the habit of buying those things. I fell deeper into those destructive habits of relying on sources outside of myself to provide.  Maybe there is a reason that I am a stay at home wife, why I am "retired" from the system.  Maybe it is so that I can provide for my family and maintain our homestead during these times. I don't know.  I just know I have a strong feeling about it.  I feel it's time to dig in and make the difference I want to see. 

I pray that I am completely wrong.  That I am being a worrywart and struggling with false realities.  Yet, as I  was awake for hours in the middle of the night, my heart didn't feel like that was the case. 

Each of us has our own choices to make, our own paths to follow.  I am a bit on the fearful side of what desperate people can and will do. 

I don't know why I felt so strongly about writing this today, but I did.  Maybe an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?  I don't know... but I care enough to follow the feeling. 

love and peace... 

a thing...

The sun breaking over the horizon is so beautiful today.  I'm listening to the birds singing and if I didn't know better I would say it is the start of a breathtaking spring morning.  It's still bitterly cold, but will warm up to almost 50 today, no wonder the birds can't decide what the season is. I'd say Mother Nature is definitely going through something lately.  It's all part of the changes in our world I'm sure. 

Hubs took off to do Hubs things a short bit ago, before he left I started to tell him that tonight we need to go and run an errand, then I remembered that yesterday I did a thing. After 7 months of not having a vehicle, I gave in.  It's a new to me Subaru Forester.  Did I need it?  Probably not, am I thankful for it?  Yep.  It has plenty of space to get my babies and I wherever we want to go comfortably.  Hubs made the decision to not retire in April, just didn't feel the timing was right.  The reason I wasn't getting a vehicle is because there was no need with him retiring as we are always together.  

It was the oddest thing yesterday, I didn't feel trapped or like my freedom was compromised in the least, yet when I realized I could now go further than my own two legs would carry me and do so without asking for a ride or waiting until it was convenient for anyone else, I suddenly felt empowered. It was a strange feeling, one I hadn't expected. 

Although, now that I can go places, I also realize that I really have no where that I want or need to go.  In a few weeks when the babies are vaccinated and it's safe to take them places we might start going for walks at local parks or I can even go visit friends and family that aren't close.  Although the odds of me doing that are fairly low, I generally only go places with Hubs.  This new amount of freedom might be a bit strange to me after the confinement of the past year.  I mean I've only recently started even going in stores on my own.  

It is nice knowing that if my family needs me, I can be flexible now.  It's nice knowing that I can chase after the grands without worry.  So I guess I am okay with being a car owner again, after such a long period of time.  Ironically, I am leaving a lot of my self imposed restrictions this past few months I guess.  Not one but two fur babies after over a year.  New vehicle.  New life.  New knee. 

So many changes.  So many more to come. Definitely spreading my wings in new directions and exploring life from a completely different state of mind.  Life might be bumpy, unstable, maddening, sad, exciting, complex and a million other things, one thing is for certain, it is never boring. 

love and peace... 

childlike wonder...

I don't get it, why are Monday's so crazy?  Filled with a long list of "to do's" and catching up.  I understand that Hubs and I have been running away like crazy, far worse than we were when we first lost both boys.  In fact, I can barely remember the last weekend home and it was simply reserved for chores. 

I don't work outside of the home, so I do not for the life of me understand the Monday syndrome.  I firmly believe that is what it is, a syndrome.  Ingrained from decades of work.  Monday's were always expected to be chaotic, hectic and exhausting.  Have I created that same scenario for myself at home?

It's always the day for doing household accounting, laundry, unpacking (lately) and basically catching up from a weekend of rest and relaxation. I need to seriously revisit how I am structuring my weeks.  It is seriously the only day of the week that I recognize and know I have many items to take care of when it rolls around. 

I guess I don't really mind too much, because of the fact that we are running away so much.  Buying our travel trailer was a fantastic idea.  We have the opportunity to explore new places, reacquaint ourselves with places we haven't visited in a long while or simply return to a beloved spot and enjoy the comfortable. 

I mean, what is the point of having a toy if you don't use it?  This weekend found us just about two hours away in Hannibal, Missouri.  We will definitely be going back, as we found 2 days was not nearly enough time to wander, a full two hours only got us down a portion of main street. I wasn't able to walk the cave, even though it is fairly flat, there were enough slopes that were out of my abilities that I decided to be an adult and not try it. There was simply too much for the short time we were there. 

What we did get to enjoy was the campground winery.  This my friends is a brilliant idea.  Sitting outside and enjoying watching the sunset and nightfall surrounded by beautiful scenery while drinking incredibly good wine and listening to music with my sweet Hubs was heavenly!  I am finding so much joy in all of these simple things. 

The next night found us sitting in a restaurant river side with my sister and brother-in-law.  Our waitress was unique (read that as she really needed a different career) and the food was mediocre at best... but those four hours were wonderful!  We had so much fun, we were supposed to go to them, they decided to come to Hannibal instead.  We had fun laughing, talking, sharing thoughts and ideas so much that we didn't even notice the rain rolling in or the crowds starting to gather.  We each brought the other one things from the garden or foods from our kitchens, she brought me clothing that was now too large for her and heck no I am not offended - she's been on her health journey a few months longer and now I don't have to buy things to fit me! She saved me a ton of money for a short term use.  Although now I have to clean out all the clothing that is too big in my closet to have room for the new stuff - great problem to have! I wish the visit could have been longer, but they were simply up north for the weekend and my leg was too fussy to handle the drive and walk to the car show in the morning.  There will be more visits...

Liberty Tree - 291 years old

The campground was laid out perfectly for me to walk and stretch my knee.  I can't believe that yesterday marked two full months.  I have been so blessed with my healing journey.  I know I get whiny and frustrated, that is the part of me that still needs to learn to have patience.  This experience is teaching me one of the lessons I need to learn. And each day as I accept the boundaries, I find I am gifted with rewards that make my heart so happy.  This morning without even thinking about it I just climbed the stairs, I knew that I had to go upstairs to get the laundry, so I went.  It wasn't that slow awkward one step at a time, I simply climbed them.  I was literally halfway up before I realized it. The feeling of accomplishment, wonder and joy is simply indescribable. 

Last night Hubs and I indulged in a Float, not the kind that happens on the river, but in a huge tub of Epsom salt.  Complete sensory deprivation.  I've been trying to convince him to try it for months.  Each time I have been met with massive resistance.  He was definitely not going to be climbing into a pod, I wasn't truly sure how I would feel about that.  Tried tanning once, definitely hated that pod/coffin feeling.  I booked us two of the float rooms and away we went. 

It was such an great experience.  Not having done it before I would say that I didn't relax as much as I could have.  Due to the unknown. Having experienced it, I cannot wait to try it again.  I definitely feel it is something I could get very accustom to. Even Hubs enjoyed it.  The sense of peace and calm is unreal.  I also want to try the infrared sauna, has anyone tried it?  I am definitely up for recommendations.  

I don't know if you have realized it, but life definitely seems to be opening up so many wonderful things to experience lately.  Or maybe they have always been there and I was too wrapped up in the hive mind to notice it?  I am definitely noticing it now. 

The twists and turns are wonderful, I am excited for life.  I can't say that was my reality before.  Before it was simply a check mark.  Even the "dull" days, the ones full of chores and to do's feel enjoyable.  They feel like I am doing "the things", things that make our life whole and complete.  

I find it all so amazing.  Things that should or used to bring me anxiety are not doing so any longer.  They are forcing me to think outside the box, to look at things with fresh eyes, without fear. 

Is anyone else discovering their child like side?  Finding joy and happiness in the most mundane of things?  I feel like that is what we are supposed to be doing, finding our joy.  Releasing things that are not for us to carry and exploring life and experiences with fresh eyes. Breaking free from the chains of the work-a-day world that we have been slaving away at, shifting our focus.  Not giving up our careers if they are filling our spirits with joy and great experiences, but re-evaluating those careers that are not bringing us those feelings. We all need an income to survive, our world has not become free of those bonds.  But we need to find things that fill that deep spot inside of us, that bring us joy and a sense of pure accomplishment. Am I there?  Oh no, not yet.  But I feel like I am traveling in the right direction.  Like I am finally on the right path.  

Well, speaking of directions, it is Monday... and Monday is filled with to-do's.  Especially if I want to be able to play like a child this coming weekend... which I fully intend to do.  So the to-do's need minded to. 

Love and peace for all...  

forward...

I'm sitting here in the early morning dim, with my leg wrapped in my heating pad (I assure you an hour is a long time), semi-watching @create on PBS and semi-surfing Facebook and cleaning out my email. I've determined it isn't just Hubs that gets tired sitting in this recliner, my eyes get heavy every time I sit down. Unfortunately, it's the easiest way to heat my leg. 

As I am doing all these random things while sitting here, I just had the thought pop into my head that "I don't need it".  Have you ever noticed how many ads you receive in a few moments of time on every externally driven platform that surrounds you?  I have cleaned out 32 ads in the past 40 minutes.  There are probably more sitting in my inbox now.  Everyone is sure they have something I want or need.  Something I cannot live without at a great price. Oh goodness. 

I don't need it.  The more I am home and able to simply do, the less I feel like trading hours of my life for stuff.  Stuff that I don't truly need or even want.  I am finding so much joy in the simpler things, my house is full of stuff that I was sure I would need at some point in time.  As I have grown as a person that spends a great deal of time away from media of any kind, I have left those kind of thoughts behind. 

I find myself simply grateful for what I have. 

As I was hit by that thought, I also started pondering why.  I understand that is how people make a living, that is how the workers are paid, etc.  But it led me back to questioning if things could be different. If we weren't constantly being led to purchase things, would we have more of our life and time back?  Would we be led back to enjoying the simpler things in life.  

Yes I realize this is an ironic thought from someone that is working on starting their own business, one that creates items for people to purchase. I am in the process of developing a web-page and putting things together.  It makes me wonder, am I on a journey to become another widget maker?  Another person selling something that people crave, but don't need?

Or am I looking at consumerism all wrong?  

If you've read my blog for a while you probably know that I am a tad old-fashioned.  That I believe we are losing too many of the skills that serve us.  I could easily live on a homestead, well semi-easily, I don't have some of the skills needed and would still rely on a farmer for some of our food.  I would easily be able to take care of chickens for eggs, I could create our bedding and household goods.  I know that I could build furnishings and maintain our home. I would have no problems creating my own cleaning products or meeting our seasonal needs.  I know that I would be a very happy person in that environment. 

Where I am not happy is more in the overwhelming feeling that comes with a lot of base consumerism.  The mass produced items that we are continually invited to over indulge and will ultimately dispose of, possibly unused or unneeded. 

Maybe my "I don't need this" mentality has more to do with that.  I can shop for hours in antique stores, of course I will pay for it later., darn mold and dust.  I am a huge fan of reusing and re-purposing.  My entire dining room has come into existence this way.  I love the joy of saving something old, the feeling of bringing it back to life.  

I will spend weeks creating a hand knit scarf for someone and never think twice about the time it took. And if it is from a repurposed item (like the silk that I currently working with) or handspun - all the better.  I pray with each stitch that the person I am gifting will cherish it and respect the love that went into it. Yet, if I have to go to a department store and look for a scarf... oh just shoot me in advance, I am going to hate it, be repulsed by any cost and never be truly happy with the ending purchase.  Let it be factory made in another country and I will be in an even greater funk. 

As I have started working on the featherweight and other vintage machines bringing these beautiful antiques back to a functional existence, my desire to own a new modern machine for any purpose has diminished.  I have wanted a true long arm for what feels like an eternity. Now, I wonder.  I am questioning that purchase.  Do I truly need it for my vision?  Is it the path I want to invest in?  

I worry that we have given away our drive and desire to take care of our own needs.  That we have become consumers and just consumers.  That we have stopped living with the intention to "use it up, use it out, make it do or do without".  That we have been programmed to live in a disposable society, always wanting or needing more.  I watch it all around me constantly, heck there are times that we are simply just as guilty.  Yet, I strive to do better.  I don't want mass produced.  I want unique, I want things that me or my loved ones want or need.  Things that have a value be it in beauty, usefulness or need. Not an ad telling me how much it is needed. 

And more importantly, I want things that I need to come from "the little man".  I am afraid that the way our economy is going we are going to move very quickly into that old way of life, and that as we do, we will have many in our communities that will have no idea what to do. We have gotten too comfortable, we have forgotten. 

I know what I am feeling, it's that I don't need mass produced crap.  I don't want to be just like everyone else, I don't want everything to be "alike".  I want to support small businesses.  I want to support those that support me and my loved ones.  I cannot wait to return to a small town about an hour away that is completely focused on this mentality.

I am moving into a different phase in life.  Or maybe I am returning to an old phase of life, one that worked better, one that benefited people in a far more direct way.  From many different perspectives.  

I feel strongly about this.  I want to become a part of a more traditional society.  A place and time where we work to support each other, not a faceless entity we've never even met.

I long for a town that has individual shops, where we purchase what we need from the producer of the product, were we eliminate the middle men. I would love to be able to purchase my fabrics from a mill, my food from the butcher or farmer.  Fresh made cheese by an artisan of old, yes please.  Is there a carpenter out there that is making beautiful furniture that can last a lifetime or more?  Or is there someone that is focused on salvaging the past to move it forward into the future.  

Can we possibly even change how we purchase? Although the money thing is a totally different conversation. But imagine, if our needs were met by trading our skills and our talents... oh my!

Can I please have my stuff made without toxic preservatives?  Can we stop being a use and lose it society? 

Can we move back to a simpler, yet busier time.  Ironically, we had more freedom back then, we had more of who we are as humans. Ironically, we are too busy doing things that don't serve us to move backwards, without effort. 

I'm in a very strange space, my thoughts are becoming clearer regarding many things.  This journey is very eye opening and enlightening.  I am sure I will have people walk away from me on this journey, I'll be sorry for their loss.  I feel that I am walking the path laid out for me.  I feel strongly that I need to walk backwards to move forwards.  I need to cut ties to some of what we have been conditioned to believe is the only way. 

Onward...