more snow...

In a few... that is my current feeling today. In a few I will do the things.  For now, I am going to sit here on this cold morning and enjoy my fire with my sweet puppies. Mother nature decided we needed at least one more bitter cold, snowy morning to enjoy a raging fire to warm our toes and tummies (if you are a puppy).  So why waste it?

It's so calming.  I can forget that the world is a crazy place to be right now.  I can enjoy the silence and the peace.  Soon, I will get busy.  I have things to do, I'm just not really ready to do them. 

I did all sorts of adulting yesterday.  I need to submit drawings today, but it is all in production now, all we have to do is wait. That is definitely going to be the long part, I started to say hard, but I believe removing the shrubs is going to be much harder than the wait.  Luckily it will be a bit extended, so that will give me time to slowly remove the shrubs that we have debated on for over 7 years.  I like the idea of them, but they look terrible - unfortunately they were not cared for any better than the ones that used to be out front.  We will finally cut them down.  

I will probably just throw them to the back of our property to mulch back into the earth.  I have a large portion that is heavily wooded and the deer, squirrels and other woodland critters will love them. I am also going to clear out a lot of the ivy's and "weeds" that grow fairly uncontrolled still.  Finally, we will add some sod to improve the grass that hasn't really grown due to the shade and the deer parading all over it non-stop.  I have a lot to accomplish in the next few weeks. Part of me hopes it won't take 10 weeks, the other part is praying for the time.  

After the fence is in, I've decided to go to the backside and plant a bunch of sunflower seeds and wild flowers on the hill.  I've halfheartedly tried a few times in the past, but my damaged knee held me back.  My new knee is so much more stable, that I finally feel okay giving it a try.  I can already picture the fencing line with a field of sunflowers behind it.  Well, at least that is what I see in my mind's eye.  I'm sure it will be a serious battle with the birds and wildlife to bring it to fruition, but a girl can hope!  I might have to hit up a dollar store for a few more packets of seeds.  

Today is for daydreaming, not doing. 

Today is my sweet girls' birthday.  It is also a dear friend's birthday.  Actually, I know many people that share this special day.  I would love to celebrate it with her, but she is going to be adulting herself today.  So we gathered together at one of her favorite places to have a burger and celebrated her last night.  Hubs is a birthday fiend.  It's humorous to me, because I am more of a low key kind of person where they are concerned. I think my girl is a lot more like me in that way.  Family gathered around the dinner table is plenty.  Or doing something special together.  Hubs and I usually spend mine floating down a river. 

I find it is just another day.  I don't always even remember how old I am, it's not something I track.  I was stunned last night when I realized I was only a year older than she is now when I moved here to be be with my sweet Hubs.  Talk about a jolt to the system. 

I'm super proud of the woman that she is.  I love her generous spirit and loving heart.  I hate when people take advantage of those very characteristics, I cherish that she doesn't allow those people to sway her from moving it forward and still being loving and generous. She is special! Her vibrant personality is infectious.  

Well, it looks like our oldest managed to persuade her younger sister to let us celebrate her.  Tomorrow we will all gather for dinner!  I'm so excited.  It's great for my girl to have an older sister, she is far too used to being the oldest and in complete control, a Pieces should never be in complete control FYI. I'm just pointing that out for those in the room that have never had to deal with a Pieces in complete control, everyone else knows exactly what I mean. 

It's still gonna be a lazyish day for me.  I am going to whip up a few more puppy treats, we are experimenting - FYI - they love liver.  The oldest grand daughter is coming over for me to look at a dress and see if I can alter it for her.  We'll see, it's been a long time since I have altered a formal gown. But not feeling like much else will happen, basic household chores and some crafting, but that looks to be just about it. 

I mean what else is there to do on a snowy, cold late winter day?  Throw a log on the fire and relax, right?

love and peace...

Happy Birthday in Heaven...

It's his birthday.

A day that I've been dreading.  Today my Daddy would have been 75.  He's been gone for almost 2 full months.  I expected something very different from this day.  I expected a sharp pain.  I expected to look at his pictures and find myself overwhelmed.

It's not. The sense of loss is very real.  I want to call him and wish him a happy birthday.  But the phones simply won't reach.  My heart hurts. I would love to ask him what he planned to do today.  And laugh as he listed where he wanted to go for breakfast and what he would have.  He loved to start the day with breakfast out.

I hope that in heaven they serve his favorites.

Hubs and I are going to honor his day by making it another Do Nothing Day. 

A do nothing day is a good way to make your heart feel stronger. 

I am slowly learning that. 

Happy Birthday Daddy! 

I wish you were still here...

prayers in the silence...

It's been pouring rain for hours.  I'm finding the sound soothing to my battered soul.  February has been brutal.  And I am worn out.

It's our Panda's first birthday.  And what should be a joyous day of celebration is being overshadowed by all of the negatives that are hovering in the air.

Hubs and I spent last weekend in Arkansas with some of the family.  Daddy should be well on the road to recovery.  Yet we almost lost him several times in the past week.  He's now laying there in a semi-induced coma.  Sleeping and healing.  I wish they would put his chest back together, I feel like I would be calmer if that happened.

A week ago, I was debating about the trip.  The snow was falling heavy and I just didn't know if making the trip would be of value. There were some very heated emotions and pain and distance were not making it better.  The larger part of my heart wanted to simply stay home, wrapped in a warm blanket in front of a warm fire.  I longed to be near my Daddy, but knew that our family couldn't take any more stress and worried about the hurt that was happening erupting into something worse.

Ironically, the one I was protecting was the one that convinced me to come down.  Momma is one strong woman, and in our protectiveness we sometimes forget that.  She might be shaken, but that woman of faith has more strength than any of us. She keeps saying that she knows he will be okay.  Somehow I'm sure she does.  When she prays, things happen.

First his sternum broke... not laying blame, but struggling with the fact that he was sent to a nursing home that has "rehab" capabilities, yet they didn't know how to deal with a heart patient,  much less one that had suffered a terrible stroke years before.  Got that message while on a Google hangout with my boss.

Survived that.

No sooner catching my breath, starting to calm, when I get the next call on my way to work the next day.

He's bleeding out...

What?

Explain?

Do I need to come?

Of course there were no answers then.  They didn't exist. No one knew or understood what was happening.  Just that a nurse was standing there and all the sudden there was blood.  LOTS of BLOOD. 

Shaking and rushing to my car, I'd just stopped to pick up breakfast for me and one of the B's, I felt fear, trauma and pain.  Trying to sort through it, not knowing what I needed to do.  Six hours away.  Even if I left from where I was standing, without a change of clothes or anything, I was still six hours away.

I didn't know that in Arkansas, my Momma was praying. Maybe it's all her brushes with death, but I firmly believe in the power of her prayers. I believe God hears all who speak, but I think she's resonates a bit louder.  She was praying for God to guide the surgeons hands.  To help him heal Daddy.

I decided to wait out the surgery being busy.  I couldn't change anything and if he didn't make it, I didn't want to be driving wildly down highway 67 when I got the news. My poor B probably needed the weekend to recover from my nervous energy.  We got a lot accomplished and moved some serious mountains. All the while anxiously watching for a text or listening for the phone to ring.

Around lunchtime I got the news.  They'd found it. Patched it.  And felt sure he was going to be okay.

I'm pretty sure that is when I was warned about the wound vac and the fact that his chest was still open, that could have come later.  It's all starting to blur together. I mean two weeks ago I was chatting with him on Facebook messenger video.

They think the broken rib/wire punctured his heart, a small clot prevented them from seeing it that first night.  When it gave, the flood dams opened. Luckily the entire surgery team was onsite doing rounds, the timing for such a catastrophe was miraculous.

They were going to keep him highly medicated so he would rest.  He'd stay on the vent. And they would start the search for a hospital bed for him, at a hospital with a plastic surgeon that could put our humpty dumpty back together again.

I didn't leave on Friday. 

It was far too emotional and I was far to exhausted to make the drive. 

Saturday we made the decision to go.  In a soft voice Momma said "if you need to come, come, it doesn't matter what Daddy needs or knows, it's what your heart needs".  Done deal.

A few hours later in a blanket of swirling snow, numb with fear and pain, Hubs and I loaded the boys and headed south.

Knowing the window's of visitation we opted out of too many stops, although the boys did need to be walked. We'd planned to pick Mom up and take her with us, but by the time we'd arrived and checked into the hotel there was only 15 minutes of visiting time remaining.

Once again Momma knew and understood.  Telling us to go straight to the hospital.

Entering CVICU, dread in my heart, I was surprised to see him back in the same room this whole journey had happened in, where someone had written "welcome back ..." on the white board.

Only this time is was different.

The first time I'd walked into that room, also at the 5 pm visit, he'd been sitting up in the chair watching the news and finishing off his spaghetti dinner.  Smiling up at me and asking if I'd watched the State of the Union.  Knowing that I would discuss it with him.  It was the night before this journey in hell began.

Now he was lying there, still as death, a machine aiding or controlling his breathing, tubes everywhere, so many IV's, and various containers. One containing blood, another urine, another feces and yet another with stomach bile.  And silently in the middle of that medical chaos my Daddy lay still, swathed in white and sleeping. 

Everything about him was cool. I'm used to my Daddy being hot blooded, with warm skin.  Standing beside the bed Hubs and I were struggling.  It didn't help that the nurse was trying to be compassionate, but was standing beside us with tears in her eyes.  Trying to find positive uplifting words where none existed.

We stayed the full time left, and then a few minutes more.  The nurses kindly let us have a few extra minutes. Walking away I felt my knees buckling and my heart being squeezed in pain.  Was this going to be the last time I saw my Daddy?  Was he going to survive?  Did he have the strength required for this battle?

As we reached the car I called my sister and Momma.  We were meeting for dinner.  I'd chosen the last place Daddy had insisting on us going for dinner when I was there around Christmas. It felt close to him. The food wasn't as good this time, or maybe it was the mood being so different.  I'm not sure I tasted it.

Momma went back to the hospital with us, she doesn't like to drive at night, but we all wanted a bit more time with him.  He wasn't as drugged and had his eyes open.  What a joyous sight!  They kept insisting he didn't know we were there, but his eyes followed Momma and he was trying to use my fingers to free himself from his "art line", which was bothering him greatly.  At one point while I was holding his left hand and telling him that I knew he was strong enough to beat this he started squeezing my fingers.  To the point they turned a bluish purple.  I am going to hold on to that being his way of telling me that he is strong and he will survive it!

Just before we left Momma had her fingers lying softly on his hand and was whispering sweet words to him when he wrapped his fingers around hers.  It was the most beautiful sight I've seen in a long time.

Sunday was pretty calm and we took turns visiting.  It looked to be a good sign that the wound vac was not bring out any blood.  And things seemed better.  He was heavily sedated, but Hubs and I had decided to stay until middle of the day Monday - to help the family out and give us a chance to sleep good Sunday night.

It was a random thing.  We'd made no plans for the next day and hadn't brought enough clothes for another day.  But we stayed anyway.

At 3:10 am on Monday, I got the call that is still haunting my sleep.  My sweet niece - the youngest of them all, saying Aunt B.... Papa's dying.

Even typing it is hard and brings tears rushing to my eyes.

Before my sleep addled brain could process it my sister was on the line, he was bleeding out again.  Blood everywhere, what do we tell them.  What do we agree to.  Without a second thought, I asked what did Momma want. Because truthfully, he's our Daddy, he's her heart.  Her decision was the one that mattered.

By 3:28 am we were in the parking lot of the hospital, they'd just gotten Daddy back into surgery and Momma, sister, niece and brother-in-law were pulling up as we walked to the door.

Hubs and I helped Momma inside, as they told us the decision had been made that if he needed to go back on the bi-pass machine again we would let him go.  As much as it hurt to hear, I agreed.  My mind was swirling with questions... were we doing this for us?  For him? Was he suffering?  Too many things to process.

Hours moved slowly passed.  I was sure the clock was going in reverse.

I am not even sure when we got the first update from surgery. Time was a blur.  The nurses and aides kept coming out to check on us, offer coffee or water, bring tissues and pray with us.  They'd come to care deeply about the old grouch.  They were struggling as much as we were.

We got the call that the doc had found the problem, was putting him on bi-pass. He was positive he could fix it.

What?  That wasn't the agreement....

The calls weren't as regular this time, the waiting was brutal.  Each of us hiding in our own corners, silently licking our wounds.  Staring brainlessly at phones or walls depending on the time.

Finally we got the call we were waiting on.  They were done.  Doc would be out to talk to us soon.  The first one out was one of the surgery team, telling us Dad was back in his room and Doc update us. The look in his eyes said we would want to hear from him.

When Doc finally came I don't know if we were ready, but we were desperate to hear just the same.

Doc said that he'd opted to leave the retractor on Dad's chest.  He said he knew what the agreement was, but when he discovered the problem, he knew that he could fix it. So he did.  He just couldn't bring himself to give up.  He warned us that they had a larger wound vac on him and that they were now going to keep him completely under, a sort of medically induced coma.  But that he'd carefully gone over every inch of Dad's heart and felt confident that he was finally on the mend. 

He'd told us to go home, rest and shower.  We took turns, each of us afraid in our own way of leaving him without a "watch dog".  During our time to shower we walked our boys and marveled at the beauty that could be found in the smallest things.  And bought a change of clothes at the local WalMart.

We've had several scares over the next two days, as his blood pressured plummeted, due to low blood and fluids.  Terrifying does not begin to explain it. It was rapidly discovered that plasma, blood and some fluid that my nursy sisters know, but I don't would quickly correct that problem. 

When we headed out on Tuesday after spending the early shift with Daddy, it was the hardest thing I'd done in almost 10 years.  Once before I'd had to leave without knowing what the future held, or if it was even a good choice.  That time it was Momma. My heart was heavy.  But I had to be back in St. Louis and literally all I was doing was watching him sleep.

It's been a week and a day since the first bleed out.  The retractor was taken off on Thursday. Sleeping Beauty is still asleep.  But he's healing.  My Momma and sisters are working hard to get him moved to another hospital to put him back together.  Eventually they will wake him and he will start making strides to get back home.

All of this extreme stress has blanketed a sick Hubs, incredible work stress, and worry about kids and family.

I'm worn out.  My heart and brain don't feel capable of working.  My body is in extreme pain, the kind that I know medication won't help.  I'm hoping some of it will go with finally writing about all of this.

Three hundred miles may as well be a million when you can't get to someone quick enough. And yet the world has seemed so small with all the prayers and well wishes.  The candles that are being lit and the love that is being shared.

I haven't even had time to go buy a birthday present for my Panda.  Hubs is napping, the room keeps swirling on him from the medication they've given him.  And I have hours worth of work to do both personally and professionally.

I am definitely worn out. 

I need to find my joy for my sweet baby Panda.

celebrating life...

I love the sound and smell of a fresh pot of coffee brewing.  Morning almost does not feel right without it.

I hurried and let the boys our for a bit this morning, Hubs was still asleep when I got up and I don't always (read ever) enjoy walking them in the wee hours alone.  Especially when the sky is that inky black, the kind that doesn't even really illuminate the stars.

I ran out of sleep.  I hate when that happens. Although I have sort of power slept my way through the weekend so it is to be expected.  I had a few short nights, which my fit-bit is always eager to point out, and they simply caught up.  Not only did I get an 8 hour night, I also took a two hour nap, and was still sound asleep by 8 pm last night.  Exhaustion is mean.

But a 4 am wake up is not so fun either, especially on a Sunday. Sunday's are not supposed to be rush days. Sunday's are for lazy sleeping in, no alarms, rest and peacefulness.  My brain had different ideas.  So after the boys and I wandered outside under the odd yellow glow of the street light, I started the coffee and treated my babies.

Hubs and I are toying with going for a bike ride this morning instead of a walk.  Is it sad that I feel we need to walk at least 30 minutes so I get credit on my fit-bit?  I don't like to compete against others, but I am crazy competitive against myself.  I was so proud to actually get all five lines on my tracking this past week.

Insane, I know.   I only have a fit-bit flex, so it will not record my bike ride.  Only my walks as I do not run. Shoot, walks are almost more than my poor little foot can take.  I need to go get it looked at, but I am afraid it will mean I can't walk, and I am not prepared for that. I feel like a walking disaster!  Hills are a no-no for the left knee, and pretty much everything bothers the right foot.  And yet, I keep walking!

After we get our daily dose of exercise, I believe I shall pack us a picnic lunch, maybe make a batch of the Sesame Cold Noodles (with zucchini noodles).  I've been seriously wanting to try those.  They look so tempting.  I am completely in love with zucchini noodles and I'm possibly becoming obsessive trying to find new ways to eat them.  And maybe make some hummus to serve with veggies.  Load up the saddle bags with a couple of bottles of water, a blanket to sit on and have the Hubs drive us somewhere for a nice relaxing day.  My book of small hidden spots in Missouri has one listed that is on a cliff overlooking a river... where did I put that book...

It's been such a busy, crazy two weeks that I think I would enjoy to wipe my brain clear and focus on beauty.  It's supposed to be a mild day for early August.  Anytime the high is only mid-80's in August that is extremely mild.  No rain is forecast, another shocker, considering it's rained almost daily this month.  Seems like a perfect way to reset for the coming week.

Yesterday was our sweet grand baby's 10th birthday!  Where has time gone? We usually go out together on the 5th to celebrate together, as mine is the 4th and her's is the 6th.  But this year was a bit nutty.  So I was so thankful when we got to have a late lunch together yesterday.  My sweet little cherub is growing up so fast!

I remember 10, it's probably the first birthday I do remember, note to all children everywhere... just because you love liver and onions does not mean your friends will.  Thank you mom for being far smarter than 10 year old me and insisting we also served mini-pizza's at my 10th birthday party.  Whew and I wonder why I was so socially awkward.  Might explain why I don't eat liver and onions anymore also!

My grand baby is so much smarter and cooler than I was.  She held her birthday party at SkyZone.  And honestly, if my foot had not been hurting, I might have been willing to give it a try, it looked so fun! She and 14 of her closest friends were drenched in sweat, smiling from ear to ear, running around and laughing.  I had been worried her poor little injured foot would not be able to handle it.  It did.  Although it might ache today.

After two hours of extreme exercise and fun the birthday girl, her two besties and mom joined Hubs and I at Red Robin for a late lunch and a bit of birthday singing!  I sure do love that kiddo!  She has the coolest mom ever!  I know she didn't learn it from me.

Gramps and I were not going to attend the SkyZone party, just spend time with her either before or after. She had other thoughts. When I pointed out to her "what 10 year old wants old people around" her answer was a very loud "ME".  She was scolding us over the phone.

I didn't think our gift was going to be cool enough for her party.  I knew it was what she'd asked for, but again, she's 10, and it's kind of "old-fashioned".  Who knew how excited she would be!  Hubs and I found a pretty box and made her a sewing basket.  Two different flannels, a pattern for sleep pants, thread, needles, elastic, pins, scissors and a pin cushion.  She loves to create her own clothes.  She'd asked me for a sewing machine, but as we had already bought mom one that has never been used, I felt we should wait on that.

I am sure that I will be getting a call when her besties go home.  Wanting some time on the sewing machine. I am equally sure that she is going to want me to show her how to use mom's machine.  Maybe by Christmas time we will buy her a sewing machine of her own. Or she will simply steal mom's.

She's 10 now, not a little girl, not a grown one either.  She's a tween.  There will be days spent being a little girl and other's spent being a teen.  She's already got more self confidence than most grown women, so watching her discover her future self is going to be a blast!

Well the sun has risen. Coffee is cold.  It's time to lace up my walking shoes and get ready to go.  Cool breezes and sunshine await.

a day to enjoy...

So... I should be vacuuming and tidying up.  Or maybe starting to get our packing together.  Instead I am sitting here.  Sipping my water and feeling like I might be seriously regretting some of today's decisions.

Hubs and I are taking a few days off.  Our batteries were low, and well of course we needed to celebrate his birthday.  Which, yes I will own it, I sort of forgot was actually today. In my defense, we started celebrating on Sunday when we bought him his dream bicycle.  And we are heading out tomorrow for a few days of peace and quiet and "us" time.

Last night as I started to head home my sweet, organized, daughter sent me a text message asking if I had anything special planned for today.  Thinking there was something with the grand's I replied that I had to work for a couple of hours and that I would be off after that.  Her reply was awesome!  "Just wondering if you were doing something for his birthday." Ummmm, well... I suddenly realized in the chaos of the week, I forgot all about his actual birthday.

So what do you give a guy that usually manages to get himself whatever his heart desires?  A day of whatever!  We started off the day at six am with donuts and coffee from our favorite shop. The Donut Palace is incredible and makes the best old fashioned ever!

I had to work for a couple of hours, but it was for a very good cause, and it made me happy. Hubs understood and took advantage of that time to work on a couple of projects at home and do some laundry. Then he wanted to go out for lunch.

We found him and incredible burger and spent an hour chatting and laughing.

That was when the day really got silly!

Hubs and I decided we were going bowling!  I stink at bowling under the best of circumstances, Hubs used to be pretty darn good.  It had been a good decade since we bowled together, between his two hip replacements, and my screwy knee it was bound to be a hoot.

We've spent a carefree day full of us time.  We've laughed so hard, we've giggled and clowned.  We realized that we currently bowl very similar, although he did win the best two out of three.  I did clean his clock on round one.

We both laughed as we sipped our Jack and cokes while we managed to make a mockery out of the game of bowling.  It was hysterical the way we both kept say man... my Dad would be cussin' us.  Ashamed that we'd learned so little from his attempts to teach us.

It was so fun, in fact, we definitely need to do it again.  And will.  Not for the fact that we are skilled, but because we are not and it was for simple fun.

My girl helped me throw him a good party.  And the cake was hysterical! My girl is so fun!

The night is winding down for both of us.  It's been the prefect day.  Lots of us time, many giggles and laughs and tomorrow we will wonder why our muscles hurt.  It will be a bit before we remember it is because we slipped and slided instead of bowling.

Tomorrow a grand adventure happens.  And I am so excited about it I can barely contain myself.

Happy Birthday sweet heart!  Thank you for choosing to spend it with me.

happy birthday, my heart!

Good Morning Tuesday!

It's a dreary, cloudy, icky day outside.  Would be perfect for a fire and my coffee and I sit around this morning enjoying my "me" time before I head off to work.  The Hubs even has it ready for me.

One match...

Not happening today.


I am busy cooking up some Sweet and Sour Spareribs for a lunch time celebration!

Today is one of the "B's" birthday!!  I will gladly give up down time to celebrate her always!

This one is my special "B"... She's more than any words that could ever describe her.  I personally feel about her like I feel about the Hubs.  There are people in this life that we are meant to encounter, that make us whole.  She is one of those people for me.

She's been a part of my world far longer than I can remember, even though it hasn't been many years.  I remember the day I met her, clear as a picture on the wall.  I remember falling in love with this amazing soul instantly.  I cannot remember how many years its been, because it feels like she's always been there.

When either of us is on vacation - I miss her.  I can't imagine not having her in my life.  And as I know she is reading this... Don't even think about making me find out!!

She is one of the most genuine, loving, caring, thoughtful, amazing women that the Lord ever put on this planet.  Heck, I even share the Hubs with her!  Although... she does get stuck with the hoodlum side of him. They both share a love of wicked jokes, they are pranksters and always looking for the fun in everything they do.  When he's a poo... I tell her that is her half of the Hubs.

She is one of the very few people I have ever let close.  I tend to keep a bit of a wall up... It's the military brat in me.  She knows my secrets, my stories, my life.  She's dried my tears, comforted me, sat in the hospital with me while I was losing my mind.  She was one of the first I called when my son-in-law died.  I remember sitting up at night with her talking on the phone when her baby brother was sick and she was scared.

This silly, little dynamo has run soothing fingers over my swollen leg, scolded me to the point I expected a switch, ranted and raved with me when life has been just a pain in the... well lets leave it at that.

She is always there for me.  I don't know if I deserve someone in my life that is so amazing, I am not sure that I am worthy.  She is as much a part of my life as my own mother and father.  There are times I feel like she is a mom to me, other times she is my sister, then she is my best friend, or maybe she is simply my heart.

We've spent hours sitting on my deck, talking and enjoying the wild life.  We've laughed over the fact that siren's aren't a typical sound out where I live.  I've worried about her, threatened to kidnap her and force her to live out here in the 'burbs, knowing full well that her city heart would never be able to handle the culture shock.  She only enjoys the deer and critters in small doses.

I have watched her over the years, and been amazed.  She is tough and loving all in one breath.

And my most fieriest protector, supporter, mentor and friend.

There are very few people that I will create for, most don't value and appreciate what it means.  The hours of work and often the very cost.  Too many see those types of gifts as "homemade", as less than.  They don't cherish them.  She does.  She knows that a handmade gift is made with love, that the hours that went into it were many.  She either wears or uses those gifts with love and pride.  I feel bad that this year's gift is store bought.  I think she will like it anyhow.

She is all these things and more, and not just for me.  Just yesterday I watched her spend a few minutes with one of the homeless men.  Life has beaten him up, she is lifting him up.  They were looking on Amazon, he's hurt his back and needs a back support, she is finding a way to help him get it.  She's that kind of person.

This morning when I called to wish her happy birthday, she reminded me that another of our dear friends and his wife both needed a few extra prayers today.

With her for a role model, the sky is the limit! I will never be as good, loving, caring or kind as she is, but I will definitely keep trying to make her proud!

I am so blessed to get to celebrate her!

Nothing I can give will ever be equal to what she means to me.

Although, soon I will drag her back out to the 'burbs, we will spend a wonderful evening sitting on the deck looking up at the stars and maybe even a few hours by the fireplace.  Laughing, talking, sharing, dreaming and sipping a coke with single barrel...

I love you my dear sweet "B"... thank you so much for being a part of my life!!

clicking through...

As I sat in Hubs recliner last night, listening the rhythmic sound of my knitting needles gliding through the soft blue yarn, I wrote my blog in my head for about the twentieth time yesterday.  I knew I wasn't going to actually write, sometimes there is simply too much to manage to get it out of my head.  But with each rhythmic tap (they would have clicked if I were using metal, but I'm using my favorite wooden ones), my mind in the background going knit, purl, knit, purl, I could hear the words I wanted to write, but seemed incapable of.

Yesterday was my baby boy's 25th birthday.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  The call to my best friend telling her to head in, she was my coach, she lived 45 minutes in the opposite direction.  The decision to shower and get cleaned up before heading to the hospital 40 minutes away. We would end up meeting in the middle.  We had to go through crazy security, Operation Desert Storm would be starting in roughly 24 hours.  At one point they would make my best friends leave my side and go move her car further away as the fear of car bombs escalated. The downstairs neighbor came up and sat with my beautiful little blonde girl, who simply knew she was getting a baby brother, it was all she wanted and God was not going to not give her what she wanted.

One of my favorites... 

I had been praying for another baby for years.  It seemed like the heavens had other plans.  Something in my heart always knew that my little guy would be my last, that God was only going to bless me with two. Perfectly a girl and a boy.  My most cherished gifts.

That little man had not been in a hurry, he'd been due a full week before, and without a bit of intervention from the Doc on the 14th, he probably wouldn't have arrived when he did.  But ODS was coming and the options for a civilian in a military hospital were dwindling rapidly.

During the four anxious hours of labor, so excited to finally see his precious face, full of fear as I'd been very ill during my pregnancy and had taken way more medications than this anti-medication momma ever wants to take.  His heart stopped twice, was my precious boy going to be okay? He didn't waste a minute once the time had come and everyone in the room held their breath when he didn't breathe at first, it seemed like minutes, although it was probably just a second or two.  And then there was that beautiful scream, it was not a happy little camper at all!

Mom on the other hand... well my perfect world with my two wonderful children was complete.  I have cherished every minute of being a mom, the good, the bad, the perfect and the horrific moments.  They are my blessings from heaven, and I will always cherish them.

Boy Boy and Bear Bear - cherished childhood loves

The little guy and I were buds when he was growing up, now he is half way across this big old country.  He's not much into phones and rarely calls.  We mostly talk in chats online.  Unless he's home or I am there.  We spend hours talking and catching up.  Playing games and solving all the problems of the world.  My precocious little guy that could use words like plethora and bifurcate in proper sentences in the first grade, who questioned the existence of Saddam Hussein at the age of 8, has grown into an amazing young man. Handsome, kind, loving, smart, driven.  He wants you to believe he has this firm wall around him that he is a stoic academic.  And then you see the crack, the love in his eyes when he is with the ones that mean the most to him, his wicked sense of humor that is dry and sharp able to reduce an entire room into tears of laughter. His laughter when he is with his best friends and they are sharing time that is just theirs.

He is an interesting man, and I am so enjoying the journey of watching him grow. I am so proud to be his mom.  He's a private person, one of the reasons I don't often share about him. Just every now and then that joy and love that fills my heart sneaks out, it pleads to be shared.  I have a picture of him and I from every visit.  Those hugs are what gets me through the long stretches where I don't get to see or hear from him. He's living his life.  I gave him birth and I gave him wings.  I feel that I am blessed beyond words.

As my needles were tapping last night I was engrossed in many thoughts.

Not just about my sweet boy.

I was thinking how thankful I was that Hubs had given me the gift of a complete physical.  He had his final exam yesterday morning and it looks like it will be at least 5 to 10 years before he has to do it again.  I know he only did it for me.  Honestly the past two years have been a bit brutal and I wasn't sure that I could take going through all of that to lose him to something that could have been prevented if he'd have listened to the doctors.  So hanging at the hospital for a few hours yesterday morning was a small price to pay.

I was thinking about my three (now four days) of doctor ordered exile.  Wondering how I can't force myself to do something good for me, but when scared will listen to a doctors orders like they are the gospel.  The steroids and anti-inflammatory are making my tummy feel like it's being assaulted.  The combination of those with the elevation, rest, ice and heat are making my knee feel... better isn't quite the right word... different is probably a better choice.

I got a couple of calls that along with the minimization of the swelling put my mind at ease.  My knee is about half the size it was, and all the swelling is down in my calf, ankle and foot provided I keep them elevated most of the day.  

Doc called with "good" news.  Yep let's go with that glass half full thing that I am so good at.  There are no fractures in my knee or any surrounding bones.  That in my opinion is cause for celebration!  No blood clots either!  Again, lets celebrate!  The swelling and pain are also not a full joint effusion, translation... should NOT need to have anymore needles shoved under my knee cap, although a slight possibility remains that the Orthopedist might want to completely drain the swelling on Monday.

In my world, these were all things to celebrate and if dancing would not have been painful, that is how we would have done it.

Monday morning I will see the orthopedist.  I am only touch apprehensive.  Seems my knee might be semi-full of bone spurs and moderate osteoarthritis. Doc said they were more than a little surprise to see that the x-ray belonged to a 50 year old.  They were estimating someone significantly older.  So how does that happen?  I mean seriously, one knee wears out quicker than the rest of you?  Unreal.  She laid out a few options for me, some of them we have already tried extensively, some are new.  Due to the amount of continual swelling, something will have to be done.  Interestingly enough the sounds my knee makes without the swelling are rather humorous.  Rice Crispies anyone? I am able to walk easier, sort of, at least it bends now. Although the sudden stabbing pains are not fun.  She said I have quite a few bits of broken off bone and cartilage floating around in there causing chaos.  As it is hindering my health, my work, my life, my everything there will be some serious discussions on Monday.

That can wait until Monday.

No sunrise to be seen today

Today my needles will tap, gliding through this beautiful fabric I am creating.  I cannot wait to wear this sweater.  It's allowed me to dream of the next one I will make, although I am trying to clean up all my other projects before starting any new ones.  It's definitely a motivator. My newest yarn catalog has several yarns in there that would be absolutely fabulous in this pattern.

Color is not done justice here...

Well, my coffee is cold, it needs a refill.  The washer just chimed telling me it is time to swap it out.  And I need to fix a smoothie so that I can take my daily dose of poison to control this silly knee.

I am feeling more like me, I am finding the ability to focus and think again.  I like this...

An ending... a beginning!

It's the last eve of my 49th year.  I'm sitting here at the island in my kitchen munching on some sushi from my favorite spot in town. It's fairly quiet in the house, the turtle pump is running, the air conditioner is keeping me from remembering that it's still in the 90's outside, and faintly I hear the television.

I was sitting here surfing the internet... Lord knows I didn't really have time for that either, but I needed a moment to slow down.  Just a final minute or two to savor the moment.

Hubs is at the girl's house. Doing who knows what.  I feel like the greatest conspiracy since who shot Kennedy is unfolding around me.  Strange considering I said I was really great with a simple, quiet, uneventful day.  Something tells me selective hearing has occurred.

It's odd... I don't mind 50.  In fact I think it's kind of cool.  I sure don't feel like I imagined it to be way back when 25 seemed like a death knell and I felt certain that the sands in my hour glass were on warp speed.

50 is far different.  Tomorrow when I wake up I will officially be a half century old.

Guess what, except for the bum knee I have acquired caring for hubs and the beautiful salt and pepper gray of my hair, I feel the same as I did at 25.

Sure I have more battle scars from living life, but what kind of life well lived doesn't give you those?  I have learned many lessons, trust, love, friendship.  Those all have deeper meanings than they did so long ago.

Sitting here eating my sushi (I only like the vegetarian ones - yes you can laugh now) I am realizing that even though I have matured and mellowed.  I am still the closet hippie that I have always been.  Lost somewhere between Little House and a Flower Child.  But the edges are becoming far more refined.  I actually sent back a glass of wine for being "too" sweet.  I have a mild addiction to Brazilian coffee.  And I am now and probably always will be a foodie... treasuring new flavors and experiences. But, I also delight in a fresh grown tomato from my back deck, or that beautiful red pepper that I am hoping to have with some freshly made hummus before the week is out - if I can beat the squirrels to it.

I still love hot pink - well everything! - says the woman with a pink purse, pink wallet, pink nails, and a pink tote.

I have acquired tons of tools of my trades.  Yes Hubby spoils me.  With love.

I will never be sophisticated, that wasn't a gene that was offered up when I was created.  I will always be me.  Most comfortable in a baggy long skirt or dress with my feet covered in Birkenstock's.  In the fall and winter, bring on the jeans, a baggy sweater or sweat-shirt, hand knit socks and of course... my birks. I guess the only thing I could do to more strongly be identified with a crazy little hippie child would be to wear flowers in my hair.

Yeah... NO!  While I love to be surrounded by flowers, I am not wishing to wear them on my body.

Those that truly know and love me, know that I am loyal, honest and loving.  I will always take care of all around me, and I love doing so.

I have finally reached a point in my life that is filled with love, laughter and happiness.  Even life's challenges are just a stone to step over... I am finding myself truly blessed.

I have discovered over the years that the shyness that is part of me, is something I cherish.  It protects me. Gives me the time I need to observe, decide if I want to jump into a situation. My introverted nature allows me to be the light that allows my sweet hubby to shine even brighter with his bold extroverted self.  My odd artistic side is oddly enough treasured by many (don't know how that went from making me a freak to making me a great person to know). I know that I am quirky, I like those things about me!

Nope... 50 isn't seeing too many changes. A few more crinkles at my eyes when I smile, a few more of life's battle scars, but all in all, I... I think I will simply stay me as I get ready to tackle my next quarter of a century!

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!

It's her birthday!  It's her birthday!!  My sweet little grandbaby is eight today!  I wish I were able to take the day off and enjoy it with her, but unfortunately that is not going to happen. Too much other stuff going on this week.  It's okay, her mommy needs time to enjoy her.  She's been on vacation and traveling with different family members all summer.  Mom has barely seen her more than we have.

I remember the morning we got the call that she was on her way.  Hubby and I were fishing up in New Athens.  We'd been there all morning, we had decided to continue our celebration of my birthday by doing some fun stuff for us.  Truth be told, I was bumming a bit, as my ex was in town and I simply don't share my babies well.  So I was a bit pouty.  So in typical Hubby fashion he had me out catching fish and trying to avoid ticks (you get Lyme once and that is truly a freaky feeling), totally distracted from my imagined hurt feelings and enjoying the sunshine.

Until the phone call...

She was on her way...

And evidently Gramma-to-be had forgotten that first babies are not notorious for arriving early.  So it was a long day...

I remember waiting my turn to hold her, I was in quite a mood... as my ex held her first.  Now don't get me wrong, I get along great with him, and was so happy he was there... I just was being a kid at Christmas and I didn't want to wait!

When I finally held her, that bond was instant!!  She is my mini-me.  My travel buddy, my cook helper, my best little buddy! She never fails to make me laugh, smile and cry with joy.  A hug from my baby girl can solve anything the world throws at me.

She has Gramma and Grampa wrapped around her little pinky finger, there is NOTHING in this world we won't do for or with her.  She is one of the main reasons we've moved. To know she is around the corner, its amazing and wonderful.

At some point today, we will love on her!  She's amazing and we are blessed!

Happy Birthday Baby girl!!  We love you!!!