clicking through...

As I sat in Hubs recliner last night, listening the rhythmic sound of my knitting needles gliding through the soft blue yarn, I wrote my blog in my head for about the twentieth time yesterday.  I knew I wasn't going to actually write, sometimes there is simply too much to manage to get it out of my head.  But with each rhythmic tap (they would have clicked if I were using metal, but I'm using my favorite wooden ones), my mind in the background going knit, purl, knit, purl, I could hear the words I wanted to write, but seemed incapable of.

Yesterday was my baby boy's 25th birthday.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  The call to my best friend telling her to head in, she was my coach, she lived 45 minutes in the opposite direction.  The decision to shower and get cleaned up before heading to the hospital 40 minutes away. We would end up meeting in the middle.  We had to go through crazy security, Operation Desert Storm would be starting in roughly 24 hours.  At one point they would make my best friends leave my side and go move her car further away as the fear of car bombs escalated. The downstairs neighbor came up and sat with my beautiful little blonde girl, who simply knew she was getting a baby brother, it was all she wanted and God was not going to not give her what she wanted.

One of my favorites... 

I had been praying for another baby for years.  It seemed like the heavens had other plans.  Something in my heart always knew that my little guy would be my last, that God was only going to bless me with two. Perfectly a girl and a boy.  My most cherished gifts.

That little man had not been in a hurry, he'd been due a full week before, and without a bit of intervention from the Doc on the 14th, he probably wouldn't have arrived when he did.  But ODS was coming and the options for a civilian in a military hospital were dwindling rapidly.

During the four anxious hours of labor, so excited to finally see his precious face, full of fear as I'd been very ill during my pregnancy and had taken way more medications than this anti-medication momma ever wants to take.  His heart stopped twice, was my precious boy going to be okay? He didn't waste a minute once the time had come and everyone in the room held their breath when he didn't breathe at first, it seemed like minutes, although it was probably just a second or two.  And then there was that beautiful scream, it was not a happy little camper at all!

Mom on the other hand... well my perfect world with my two wonderful children was complete.  I have cherished every minute of being a mom, the good, the bad, the perfect and the horrific moments.  They are my blessings from heaven, and I will always cherish them.

Boy Boy and Bear Bear - cherished childhood loves

The little guy and I were buds when he was growing up, now he is half way across this big old country.  He's not much into phones and rarely calls.  We mostly talk in chats online.  Unless he's home or I am there.  We spend hours talking and catching up.  Playing games and solving all the problems of the world.  My precocious little guy that could use words like plethora and bifurcate in proper sentences in the first grade, who questioned the existence of Saddam Hussein at the age of 8, has grown into an amazing young man. Handsome, kind, loving, smart, driven.  He wants you to believe he has this firm wall around him that he is a stoic academic.  And then you see the crack, the love in his eyes when he is with the ones that mean the most to him, his wicked sense of humor that is dry and sharp able to reduce an entire room into tears of laughter. His laughter when he is with his best friends and they are sharing time that is just theirs.

He is an interesting man, and I am so enjoying the journey of watching him grow. I am so proud to be his mom.  He's a private person, one of the reasons I don't often share about him. Just every now and then that joy and love that fills my heart sneaks out, it pleads to be shared.  I have a picture of him and I from every visit.  Those hugs are what gets me through the long stretches where I don't get to see or hear from him. He's living his life.  I gave him birth and I gave him wings.  I feel that I am blessed beyond words.

As my needles were tapping last night I was engrossed in many thoughts.

Not just about my sweet boy.

I was thinking how thankful I was that Hubs had given me the gift of a complete physical.  He had his final exam yesterday morning and it looks like it will be at least 5 to 10 years before he has to do it again.  I know he only did it for me.  Honestly the past two years have been a bit brutal and I wasn't sure that I could take going through all of that to lose him to something that could have been prevented if he'd have listened to the doctors.  So hanging at the hospital for a few hours yesterday morning was a small price to pay.

I was thinking about my three (now four days) of doctor ordered exile.  Wondering how I can't force myself to do something good for me, but when scared will listen to a doctors orders like they are the gospel.  The steroids and anti-inflammatory are making my tummy feel like it's being assaulted.  The combination of those with the elevation, rest, ice and heat are making my knee feel... better isn't quite the right word... different is probably a better choice.

I got a couple of calls that along with the minimization of the swelling put my mind at ease.  My knee is about half the size it was, and all the swelling is down in my calf, ankle and foot provided I keep them elevated most of the day.  

Doc called with "good" news.  Yep let's go with that glass half full thing that I am so good at.  There are no fractures in my knee or any surrounding bones.  That in my opinion is cause for celebration!  No blood clots either!  Again, lets celebrate!  The swelling and pain are also not a full joint effusion, translation... should NOT need to have anymore needles shoved under my knee cap, although a slight possibility remains that the Orthopedist might want to completely drain the swelling on Monday.

In my world, these were all things to celebrate and if dancing would not have been painful, that is how we would have done it.

Monday morning I will see the orthopedist.  I am only touch apprehensive.  Seems my knee might be semi-full of bone spurs and moderate osteoarthritis. Doc said they were more than a little surprise to see that the x-ray belonged to a 50 year old.  They were estimating someone significantly older.  So how does that happen?  I mean seriously, one knee wears out quicker than the rest of you?  Unreal.  She laid out a few options for me, some of them we have already tried extensively, some are new.  Due to the amount of continual swelling, something will have to be done.  Interestingly enough the sounds my knee makes without the swelling are rather humorous.  Rice Crispies anyone? I am able to walk easier, sort of, at least it bends now. Although the sudden stabbing pains are not fun.  She said I have quite a few bits of broken off bone and cartilage floating around in there causing chaos.  As it is hindering my health, my work, my life, my everything there will be some serious discussions on Monday.

That can wait until Monday.

No sunrise to be seen today

Today my needles will tap, gliding through this beautiful fabric I am creating.  I cannot wait to wear this sweater.  It's allowed me to dream of the next one I will make, although I am trying to clean up all my other projects before starting any new ones.  It's definitely a motivator. My newest yarn catalog has several yarns in there that would be absolutely fabulous in this pattern.

Color is not done justice here...

Well, my coffee is cold, it needs a refill.  The washer just chimed telling me it is time to swap it out.  And I need to fix a smoothie so that I can take my daily dose of poison to control this silly knee.

I am feeling more like me, I am finding the ability to focus and think again.  I like this...