Sunday, January 24, 2016

sorting through my back pack...

So... last night blog post simply disappeared.  I had been too tired to post it last night, falling asleep while writing.  I had saved it to go back this morning, and then a glitch or something happened and even the saved file simply disappeared.


I wonder if that is the universes way of saying... rethink this...


I have shared that 2016 is all about change and taking charge of my life.  And I am making some incredible steps in that direction.

Someone that I spend a great deal of time with always encourages everyone to empty out our backpacks and re-evaluate if what is in there is something we want to carry with us or just dead weight.  I am not always a big fan of doing things like that.

I won't say it's arrogance, the last thing I would ever think is that I am not carrying around garbage that my life would be better without.  I realize there is a ton of crap in there... it's human nature.

It is more truthful to say that I don't want to face the things that I shoved way down in that back pack (just for the record I don't like to clean out my purse for that very reason either).

I don't like conflict, I don't like facing unpleasantness, I am definitely not a fan of negativity or hurtfulness.  I will avoid a confrontation at all costs.  It's simply not my thing.

I also never put myself first.  (Yes, I am aware that this is a bit of a character flaw).

I like to claim that it is the mom in me, this is probably not a true statement either.  I'm going to say it probably has a whole lot more to do with life is easier in a servant role.  It's less stressful to not stand up for yourself. It's less anxiety inducing when you allow other things to come first.

As I am embarking on this year, leaving 2015 firmly behind, I am having to face things that cause unpleasantness and hurt.

I don't like it. Yet, I am willing and able to do it.

Hubs and I have made serious strides this year into only eating at home or food that we personally have prepared.  Are we perfect? Heck no!  In fact last week included a few meals eaten out.

Life got in the way, it was a bad week.

What we didn't do however is just grab whatever junk was handy.  We made conscious well informed decisions. Inputting it into our Fitbit's before deciding to eat it.  We were mindful. As a result, we are both feeling better, we both saw the scale creep downward.

We both found more energy to deal with the beast that was!

Two weeks ago, my stupid knee roared back to full anger.  I've dealt with serious pain and the inability to use it properly for almost two long years.  Hobbling up and down stairs in an odd gait, an inability to bend it properly, being woken from sleep due to the pain, walking with a profound limp and making sure I wore clothing that could accommodate my "fat leg" are just a few of the unpleasant side effects.

I've dealt with it because there has been too much else on my plate.  Work has had challenges since the flood, Hubs spent almost a full year falling apart on me, I moved... oh I have a whole list of reasons for allowing it to control every aspect of my life.

The Hubs part - is probably the only legitimate one on the list. Both of us, could not be down at the same time.  Who would have taken care of him?  Who would have walked the boys?  Reality... when I returned from Brazil and it stayed swollen for months, I should have pushed harder to find a good doctor.  It might have been healed long before he was down for so very long.

Two weeks ago, the pain and swelling were enough to jolt me out of my stupor.  I was forced to do something to take care of me.  I couldn't think, concentrate, or even rationalize life.  It hurt so much that I, the queen of denial, made a doctor appointment.

I was forced to put it up, I was forced to stop for a few days.  I was forced to use common sense.  I didn't like sitting, I didn't like the need to keep it elevated, and I definitely didn't like waiting endlessly for answers.

Pain and fear are great motivators though.  That and a crazy clever doctor that wasn't going to allow me to work around her orders.  I stressed in the appointment that I had a desk job, that I could modify my day, etc.  All the excuses that I could to avoid letting anyone down.  She told me no. She told me that even at a desk job I wouldn't be able to sit with my leg above my heart for the majority of the day.  Hindsight, she was right.  She waited until the very end of the day on Friday to let me know that there was no blood clot, although there was effusion.

How did this new doc figure me out so quickly.  It was only the second time that she had met me and the first that she had personally examined me.

As fate would have it, the orthopedist was sick the same week and I had to wait until Monday to be seen.

Again I am questioning if the universe or fate is out to teach me a lesson.

Monday was magical.  It was filled to capacity with blessings.  It was long and brutal, but right in the middle was a miracle.  At least to me it was!

Not a fan of needles, even less of a fan of BIG needles.  And I never sign up for any kind of medications, ever.  But after years of pain, a week of steroids and anti-inflammatory medication, and seeing the difference five days of confinement had had, I was was game for just about anything that was promising me success!

The new orthopedist is incredible.  Gentle, understanding, not rushing to cut me up, probing to understand and solution based.  I feel like I found a soul mate.  Someone that had my best interest at heart and not someone focused on a house payment.

As she drained my knee, I could actually feel the pain leaving.  The discomfort of the needle firmly through my knee joint was the only feeling left.  I felt it shrink.  For the first time in years my knees looked like they belonged on the same person.  It wasn't hurting all the way down to my toes.  I could bend it!

I felt ready to take on the world!

I started therapy yesterday, gotta say, not my favorite thing at this point.  My knee was smarting this morning, feeling sort of like it had been smacked hard!

I did my therapy this morning, and I will do it tonight, and I will follow the "torture" religiously! I am craving the feeling that was left after that appointment on Monday.

The week was tough.  Luckily I was physically up to handling it. People out sick, people dealing with family members dying, long hours to make it okay for those people, and then the soul sucking that was left in the emotional wreak that others caused. Emotionally... wow...

Correction... they didn't cause the emotional wreck.  I allowed my own feelings to respond to others in a way that caused it.  I allowed others petty and hurtful words and actions to dictate my own response to them.

This caused me to have some seriously sleepless nights and fight some strong exhaustion.

Thankfully, in the midst of that chaos and maelstrom my girls  (and inadvertently my son from a distance) and my Hubs bailed me out, tossed me a lifeline or two.

One evening in the midst of it all when stress, hurt and anger were threatening to wipe out reason the girls and I spent the evening getting pedi's even including our far away girl on the coast via chat. Pretty sure she did not benefit as much as the three of us did.


The very next evening, Hubs sent me a message that my littlest girl and I were going to get to go see Newsies at the theater!  She and I love to attend shows together and we both put sleep and plans aside for a wonderful evening!



I had friends spend time lifting me up, talking me off of cliffs that I created in my own frail responses to others insensitivity.  I spent serious time re-evaluating my own worth.

Over the holidays in 2015 I emptied my back back.  All the contents were strewn wide for me to sort through. I am still sorting.  As I hold up fragile bits and pieces I am making decisions as to what to repack. It's a slower process than I had hoped.  It has to be handled appropriately.  Because as I am making the decisions needed, there are people and things that will not be going back in.  Some of the decisions are going to be permanent.

I need them to be well thought out.

My goal this year has to be to push aside my own fears and uncertainties.  I have to learn that if I don't take care of myself I am of no value to anyone.  I cannot let hurtful things said or shared about and with me dictate my responses.  I made that mistake this week.  I allowed others to shape me.

Shame on me!

Reality is that this year, I will ruffle a few feathers.  I will disappoint a few folks.  I will not "act" as I have programmed others to expect.  I will be selfish, but not in a mean or spiteful way.

This year, I am chasing my rainbows.  Following my own shooting stars.  I have plans, dreams, hopes and goals.  And for the first time in a LONG time, I get to be the dictator of how they play out.  I am not going to wrap them gently around anyone else, I will align, I will struggle and fight with all those I love and cherish. But this year... I resign my position in support roles, my light needs to burn just as bright.

I will lend my flame to the brightness of others, but I will no longer allow others to steal my flame.  I am going to focus on my health and happiness this year.

And if you can't lend your light to mine without a fear of my success dimming yours, then I'm sorry, I must love you from afar.


As the sun woke me this morning after a second night of almost twelve straight hours of sleep, I simply felt the power to go on...