Friday, January 1, 2016

Welcome 2016...

Last sunset 2015
I started to write yesterday, I started to plan an ode to 2015.  I heard it in my head and heart while I was out in the newly bitter cold walking the boys (I'd decided to let the Hubster sleep in - he's been battling bronchitis for a few weeks now and was soundly resting finally).

2015 was definitely a year for the books.  One that I will remember probably forever.  It was at time bleak, rocky, earth shattering, stressful, unrelenting, worrisome, hostile and many other unpleasant things.  But tucked into the edges, or maybe wrapped about the pain was the silver lining.  Things so bright and wonderful that they were almost impossible for me to grasp and hold. Yes, I am an optimist, I strive to see the bright and beautiful in all things.  That doesn't mean I always succeed.

It was a year that tested everything about me.  Former President Nixon once said the strongest steel has been put through the hottest fires.  I am fairly sure that 2015 was a year of fires for me, and that I am now very close to being very hardened.
can you see the bright spot?
I didn't know if mentally or emotionally I could survive it.  I don't know if I would have without prayer, family and friends.  There are a few relationships that fell away during this year, it's hard when you discover that sometimes you have to walk away from things.  It's been a while since I was faced with those types of choices, but once the decision was made, it felt like the weight of the world was lifted.

2015 saw Hubs battle so much.  The hip replacement from late 2014 was bad, very bad.  It would be halfway through 2015 before we found Dr. Leo Whiteside, just before it was too late. I am the first one to admit there is a solid reason that I am not in anyway connected to the medical field.  I simply am not that kind of person, blood, medications, stitches, needles... Heck you barely see me willing to go to my own doctor.

Yet for months I somehow managed to be his nurse, while he battled to live. Just for the record, staph is a nasty thing.  It's insidious and horrid.  I can't imagine what it was doing internally, I know what it was doing externally.  I know, I was there.  Doc wasn't sure he could find a solution, thankfully, he did.

January through July were a blur, filled with doctors, medications, exhaustion, fear.  It wasn't just health worries because it all ties together. It was fear of health, life, death, addictions, career loss, time, juggling, struggling, financial, it was simply so many things...

I allowed myself to get worn down, So much couldn't and didn't happen.  There was nothing left for me to give.  I had injured myself trying to be everything for both of us.  Trying to not let anyone down.  The doctors where wanting to cut open my knee - seriously like that could really happen with all I was already dealing with?

Around April career things at least for me were brightening... I had been awarded the CJ Banks award, I can honestly say that was one of the most surreal and treasured moments of my life.  To say it was unexpected would be one of the biggest understatements ever.  I was so thankful that Hubs was able to be there that night, it was just before the infection tried to finally take him from me.  I was also promoted at work.  Those two things were seriously a professional tipping point for me.

On June 30th, with one of my sweet B's there keeping me sane, Doc worked a miracle.  I could see a huge difference in Hubs almost immediately after that long grueling surgery.  I could see with my own eyes that he was going to heal.  We'd been warned it would be long, arduous, painful, that he would have to go backwards before he could go forward.

We were ready, for the worst.

The worst didn't come.  Hubs is doing wonderful!  In fact I never knew he didn't really walk without a slight limp.  And last night as 2015 was coming to a close and he was being silly and dancing around the house, the sparkle in those blues, the laughter lines totally wiping away the first half of the year, I couldn't have been more thankful! Not only did I not lose him, I was gifted with a new and improved version of him!  It's odd the way we accept things going wrong physically, thinking it is part of aging, when well... that is not really the case.  He jokingly calls it his "franken hip".  I call it a miracle.

He has gifted me with many wonderful things this year...

A 50th birthday bash, that I didn't want, and am so thankful for!  Between him, my kiddo's and my dearest friends.  I finally got to meet my son's girlfriend, my friends that I only got to talk to on Facebook came to me, I was able to reaffirm one of my dearest friendships with my sister by heart.  My entire immediate family with the exception of a few were here.  It was beyond my wildest dreams.  In all of the chaos and fun we never even managed to take a picture.  But I don't need film that will fade, I have them stored forever in my heart where they are safe.

Shortly there after I was able to fly out to the coast and enjoy my boy and his girl for 7 glorious days in the sunshine of southern Cali.  Long walks on the beach, crowds, ocean views, light houses, laughter, and love. It was a perfect salve to start healing my exhaustion.

Back home, stealing minutes with my girl and grand baby, hubby healing... The final months of 2015 are a rapidly moving collage of memories, laughter and life returning to a new normal.  We finally unpacked most of our stuff, finished furniture, and even hung Christmas lights.

We were able to bring the kids (as they are only in their early 20's I can still call them kids) home for the holidays.  We were able to go to Wild Lights and do all the Christmas stuff we missed last year.  We were able to enjoy lights, love and laughter with the boy, the girl and all the loved ones connected to each of them.













My heart has reset.

2016 has a different feeling.  It feels fresh, welcoming, like the spring after a long bitter winter.  I am excited for it, I can't really put it into words.  It just feels... different...

I normally shun resolutions, as for me they are usually simply me setting myself up for failure.  And I am not sure I am willing to call the thoughts and feelings that have been flitting in and out of my brain for a few months now resolutions.

Maybe it is more revelations.  Maybe, after all those fires burned away the cobwebs, I am able to see and feel more clearly.  I feel focused and ready.  This is unusual for me. It is new.

I am not sure I am ready to lay out the changes I have planned for 2016 yet, they may need a bit more time to cook and ferment in my brain.  Heck, I may just need a bit of time to adjust to actually having a solid plan, for most areas of my life.  My gypsy self, is usually less focused.  This is odd.

Today with the sunrise a new book started, a new chapter, full of hopes and dreams.  I know there will be struggles and heart aches.  That is what makes life rich and rewarding.


Welcome 2016... Lets get this started!!