presence...

with a "c"... that is how my daughter described the gifts of this holiday season. 

She's right! Yesterday found us all sitting in a loud mall food court, so the boy could have Sarku one more time before returning to the coast - which is barren of that particular delicacy. It was overly loud, we basically sat in extreme silence, because we couldn't hear each other anyhow. 

Just sitting together.  Me, snuggling the youngest dragon, as she was in that kind of mood.  Soft kisses on the head and on the finger that she cut while painting mommy's carpet and stealing a soda can from one of her older siblings.  Looking around the table at everyone munching, seems so mundane to the outsider, but for me it was pure heaven.

After wandering and returning a gift that wasn't going to be used, we headed to the gaming store.  Where the returned gift became a needed gift.  Double win on that one.

A dog walk later and we headed to St. Louis Union Station, we knew the aquarium did not have any tickets, but that was okay, it's the girl's new favorite hangout. We considered the Ferris Wheel, not too seriously - I'm terrified of heights and those lines!  None of us were game for that kind of madness with a toddler. We enjoyed the Fire and Lights display a couple of times and even found the opportunity for a snack at the Soda Fountain. That place smells overly sweet as soon as you walk in. 

We did decide on the Mirror Maze and Mini-Golf.  It was a blast.  I was a bit sad to see so many thing broken in the maze, when it had only recently opened.  It was crazy fun just the same. I will say that more than once someone, read the baby dragon, ran into the mirrors face first.  She finally got wise and held hands so that someone else hit the glass first. It's worth the few dollars it cost for the price of giggles.  It will be better when they fix the broken items.

Mini-Golf with a toddler.  Interesting.  It was a great evening, we had so much fun.  It was an almost warm night for most of the evening.  I managed to retain my worst golfer ever title!  I was pretty proud of that accomplishment, I simply cannot golf - even the mini version is simply not for me. It was full of giggles, bragging, one-up-manship, it brought out the competitive in sweet Hubs like no tomorrow.  We discovered you could play mini-golf and be the lowest scorer in a dress and heels, and that a mom can swing a mean golf club while carrying a toddler.  She can also use said toddler as a prop to get a two swing hole on a par 3.

As the attractions started closing and the crowds started to thin out we wrapped up our game and headed back to our cars. It was the holiday's of old for me.  Time, the most precious gift of all had been spent.

Walking back, I was asking my girl what color shoes I could replace her Christmas ones with, as she had already bought herself two of the ones I bought her.  That's when she told me I'd been giving her the best presents around, they were present's with a "c".  We've done tons of fun things, visited, talked, shared meals and just enjoyed each other. As the boy is getting ready to head home tomorrow I realized that is what we've been doing also.

The greatest gift of all!

This Christmas has completely been about presence.  And I feel unbelievably blessed because of it. So much time with everyone! 

solitude and space...

There is absolutely nothing that fills my bucket as much as peace and solitude.  Today it was filled to overflowing!  Exactly what I needed.

Hubs and I got up before the sun, loaded the picnic I prepared last night and lots of water into my sweet little bug and we headed southwest.  We'd wanted to get a float trip in while on vacation and things didn't line up that way, we filled our time with too much relaxing.

So after six crazy work days, I was not going to settle for not getting a float trip.  We both know we despise Saturday floats.  It's crazy crowded and loud.  Definitely no bucket filling happens there. 

So we worked for a few hours on Saturday, helping out with pressure washing and weeding the landscaping. Catching up on little things and hoping to help make a big difference.

After that, we ran our errands, bought groceries for the week and had an incredible lunch at Seedz, I have to say they are going to be responsible for me being broke!  We've eaten there twice, tried a total of 4 different dishes and not one has disappointed.  I enjoyed the vegan donut we tried, Hubs did not.  At all. I am completely nuts about the Mata Mint tea... Again Hubs... big fat NOPE!  He did try the Jasmine Orange Boba tea... I have to admit that his face when the boba came up the straw was hysterical! Sitting in the sun outside on those beautiful sun dappled streets was a calming reset to start the weekend.

I'm determined to hold precious the weekends, the time when we can enjoy each other, spend time with Neeko and just stay focused on reclaiming "us" time.  After all, "us" time doesn't have to be doing something or even not doing something.  For me it has to be about making an effort to hold space for things that bring me joy and balance.  I am finding sheer joy in shopping for the food that I can use to make us nourishing meals.  I have rediscovered the joy of cooking.  I've missed it. It had become a mundane chore.  It wasn't filling my bucket. 

Yet last night, I made us Spring Roll Buddha bowls. Oh my!  I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but I can assure you, we were both very happy with the results. After dinner was finished, I started working on today's picnic.  Pasta salad full of bright colored veggies and then I decided why not give cold peanut noodles a try. Both were a success. 

We'd picked an 8:15 am start for our trip down the Courtois River.  Hopeful to have peace at least for the start of our journey. Meaning we left St. Louis at 6 am.  The moon still high in the sky and the sun just starting to light the morning sky on fire.  It was a gorgeous 90 minute ride to the river.  We checked in and heading to the bus that would take us 6 miles up the road.  Cell phones quit working almost as soon as you leave the highway, over twenty miles away from where we will head out on our raft.

We were starting to wonder if we were in the wrong place, no one had joined us as we sat there waiting.  A few moments later, Hubs and I boarded our bus.  Just us. The driver was delightful and we chatted on the ride, it's odd to have a whole school bus for just three people.  We loaded our raft and shoved off. 

We hadn't been able to take that portion of the river last year, it was simply too low.  We weren't sure what to expect.  It winds through Mark Twain National Forest and very remote.  We'd hoped for a bit of time without friends.

At 1 pm we'd completed our journey, never seeing any other rafters or people for that matter.  It took us about four and a half hours to make our 6 hour journey.  We even found a wonderful stretch of the river wide, deep and still that we floated along without thought or care and enjoyed our lunch.  We listened to birds, bullfrogs, counted fish swimming under us in the crystal clear water.  We even had a brief encounter with a gray and black stripped nope rope (snake) sunning itself on a large tree branch.  There were so many turtles, a few of them snappers. 

In addition to the beauty and silence, the most precious gift was our ability to simply be.  Silently floating, occasionally paddling to keep from hitting both submerged and low hanging trees, pushing ourselves through shallow spots, a couple of times we carried the raft through the shallow rocky beds.

The beauty was breathtaking.  The peace we found priceless. 

On the drive down we'd been listening to Cheryl Crow, one of her songs is so us, but there is a line in there about being able to worship in the great outdoors.  That is where I find myself closest to God.  Where I am at one with the universe.  Today, that was gliding down the river, laughing and talking when we felt like it, sitting in silence and soaking up the energy of the earth around us, and all of this is with was with my best friend.  The person I feel makes me a whole. 

And just us.  No one else until the very end.  Six precious, pristine miles of peaceful co-existence with nature. No connection to anyone else.  No electronic leashes, nothing to break the beauty of this day.

Tomorrow will be a high pressure day, long and busy. I am learning the self-care is deeper than I thought.  It isn't just the food you eat or working out, its about taking care of yourself mentally.  And knowing it is okay to just be.  Having spent this time centering and just holding space has filled my bucket.

I'm ready. 

disconnection...

It's a powerful feeling.  I have one more bit of business to take care of today.  An all staff meeting tonight to celebrate my team after a crazy, exhausting summer.  And then, for the most part, I will completely disconnect.  I will approve payroll, I will be available for emergencies.  But it's time to disconnect. 

Recording my voicemail out of office message, felt incredible. Putting my out of office on my email.  Equally powerful. 

I've had my bucket emptied for far too long. 

I have a lot of bits to tie up today.  I will finish them.  Tomorrow I can officially stop thinking for a moment. 

This morning has been calming.  Hubs put on an older movie and we sat and enjoyed it.  I tuned out when he moved on to far too many episodes of old television.  My fingers gleefully wrapped around strands of yarn.  Mindlessly working the stitches that my fingers have memorized.  No thought required.  

A bit of time spent texting with my daughter and one of my sisters.  The desire to start my time off today bubbling up deep inside.  

I've never watched the movie Baby Boom.  As it was playing this morning I was rooting for her to make the choice that she did, at the same time I was feeling an overwhelming understanding that the feelings I have been fighting have been something we've been sliding headlong into for a really long time! That movie is over 30 years old, yet there was today's reality in full color. 

I'm not sure I want to move to a 200 year old farm house, some of those challenges seemed far more overwhelming than I am currently able to process.  Yet the thought of walking away from everything and finding myself, my center, having time for what is truly important.  Yep, those things definitely resonated with me.  

Everywhere I turn I am seeing people important to me struggling.  Between the rat race (those are some huge rats folks), our diets and other things that I'm slowly starting to explore... it feels like we are losing us. 

I woke up to news that one of my oldest friends had checked into the hospital.  I am sending prayer and healing energy to him and his wife.  There are health issues far closer to home.  How much of it is tied to our diets, our stress factors, pushing ourselves to limits that are unfathomable? How much of it is the fact that our society has stopped being okay with people just being people. 

Yep, I am desperately in need of this break.  This chance to simply stop. Hubs and I haven't made plans for this break.  We aren't going to.  There are things that we need to continue to explore.  We will take some close to home adventures.  We will enjoy our home.  Love our pup.  And reconnect with each other. 

After some quality time with my doctors, lots of tests. Hubs having to deal with tests, exams, waiting for results, etc...  I finally decided it was time to reevaluate the damage that we had been doing to ourselves, unintentionally, but doing just the same.  

Dinners out, simply from exhaustion, skipping meals, living on coffee and convenient junk just to keep moving at the pace that we decided was being demanded of us.  Note I said that we decided.  No down time or the bit we found being consumed by consuming.  Weekly shopping, chores, more stuff to do and buy. Finding wineries and numbing ourselves. Rush, rush, hurry, hurry. 

None of that has really been making us happy. In fact, it's been making us miserable. 

Over two years ago I learned of Forks Over Knives.  I've been researching.  I've been occasionally making recipes.  I've been arguing the premise in my own mind as someone's agenda. Refusing to watch the video - I am not interested in seeing slaughter houses thank you very much. 

I also wasn't interested in a vegetarian/vegan diet.  I know far too many vegetarians/vegans that don't eat any healthier than I was and weren't in any better physical shape. And I am not referring to size.  I couldn't care less about that.  I mean health wise. 

Sharp pain, a medical professional's careless statement about surgeries and other things and my stress escalated beyond belief. So did my natural need to learn. 

I don't have to have any surgeries, Hubs, well we will see.  We haven't been doing our poor bodies any favors and some of it I can't undo. But much of it, we can stop any forward progression.  It's completely in our power to do so.  

Fear is a powerful motivator.  And I have an immense fear of medications and the medical profession as a whole.  I am never going to trust them.  It's not my nature.  I feel there is much that we have allowed to happen to us as a society and many of our ills have been placed upon us intentionally.  But that particular bit of conspiracy theory is for another time. 

I was a vegetarian for many years.  A very poor one, but still.  I didn't eat meat.  I replaced it with all kinds of man made, chemical filled substitutes.  And I definitely could live on potato chips and processed junk full of sugar.  After all I wasn't eating meat.  Almost 16 years ago Hubs convinced me to stop.  It didn't take much convincing.  After all, like I said I was not a very good vegetarian, I hadn't given up non-foods. I hadn't studied it nor made an effort to understand the complexities. 

Heck, I have a freezer full of processed, made to taste like meat, chemical laden foods right now.  Things that I convinced myself were a healthy choice. 

After the charming PA scared the living crap out of me two weeks ago, I seriously started processing thoughts.  Not food.  For me it was a case of simply stopping.  Eliminating what wasn't serving me.  That is how I am.  

A doctor stating that if I didn't would mean medication - writing me prescriptions (like I am actually going to take those?), surgeries, needles... nope, sorry.  I don't do those things.  There are times in my life that I seriously do not remember - snippets of memories filter through, but that is all, because I have allowed doctors to prescribe medications and took them.  Not the future I want.  

Hubs is still adjusting a bit.  I think he long ago accepted that I am odd and different.  That I hear a totally different band playing.  Sometimes he might struggle with understanding who I am and where I am going, other's... he just plays along to my beat.  I mean the man gave me a meteorite for an anniversary present!!  Of course he understands me!

I am so excited to be able to prepare amazing foods for him for the next two full weeks.  To not have to reset our taste buds a bit.  Almost a year ago he had a stroke, it was minor in that he was able to recover almost 100%.  For a year he's been dealing with the side effects of the medications that they prescribed.  Those medications have been bringing their own challenges health wise and now he has other things he must deal with.  I need for that kind of stuff to stop. 

I can't change all of it.  

But I am dang sure going to work on changing most of it. I can control the food we eat.  For now he's willing to walk this path with me.  He loves yummy meals.  And he does trust me in crazy ways.  He is willing to try.  I am willing to try.  He's even helping me chop the veggies and prepare the meals.  

These two weeks will also give us some quality down time.  Heck we might even finish unpacking our house.  It's only been 5 years!

It is definitely going to give us time for some experiences.  Maybe we will find some creeks to explore, some back roads to travel, some adventures. A chance to fall in love even deeper than we are.  With each other, our lives, our journey. 

If you read my blog, I guess I should warn you that there might be days of it getting really deep.  I need a chance to explore these thoughts and this journey.  There are things coming that are going to be raw. Thoughts and feelings that are going to need to be dealt with and faced.  There are probably going to be an incredible amount of pictures of healthy foods.  The colors of the rainbow and full of life giving nutrition.  I promise to not become radical, but I know that I need this journey to stay sane, to heal both myself and my dear sweet Hubs.  His journey is harder than mine right now, these medications need to go, I am going to be the stronger one, until he is able to be the strongest one again. 

I am feeling the universe is yelling at me to pay attention.  I feel the things that I used to interpret as distractions are really things I need to pay attention to.  I am growing stronger in that knowledge. I have never known why I chose to write my blog, I still don't.  Nor do I understand why there are times that I am drawn to write with more of an urgency than others.  

Maybe it is all part of this crazy journey, this process to discovery?  Maybe it is simply that I find it healing. 

Anyhow... the journey is continuing, more insanity is sure to follow... after all I now own a meteorite full of the power of the universe!

wasting the moments...

This morning I chose to simply sit for a moment and enjoy my coffee.

It's semi-quiet, Hubs is up and down in his man cave working on - work - he struggles to shut off for even a day.  I can't say much, so do I.  I spent most of yesterday morning dealing with work.  So I really can't say much at all. 

All of that put me a bit behind on the things that I wanted to do yesterday.  But in proper perspective, it simply didn't matter.   It needed to happen. 

Shortly I will hear my Gator making his exasperated humfing sounds at the top of the stairs, his age shows when it is time to travel those silly stairs and he must suffer the indignation of human assistance.  I assure you, he feels it is suffering. I think if he could talk it would be in a very haughty proper English gentleman's accent and he would have no problem telling what insufferable bores we were being while assisting.  Instead, he rolls his eyes and makes those silly humfing noises.  Enough to let us know that he is not impressed with our feeble attempts to provide service. 

Neeko on the other hand is simply chilling. He's moving much slower now, but is still the same mellow, gentle giant he's always been. He just moves at a slower pace and rests a lot more than he used to. 

When they have both decided to wake for the morning (I would say day, but honestly it will probably be an hour or two before nap time) we will take them for their morning stroll.  It used to be a brisk walk, now... it's a barely moving shuffle.  Definitely cannot count that as a daily walk anymore.  Not sure the Fitbit would even register it as movement. It's sad.  Yet at the same time, we are thankful for every single moment they stay with us. 

These past few years have definitely been ones that have driven home the lessons of loss for me.  At the same time they have highlighted the gratitude that permeates every moment. 

Forever now it seems that I have been saying "I'm too busy" "I don't have a moment" and a few other phrases that are very similar.  I don't think that it is the truth.  I think I have created a non-stop mentality, that isn't leaving me room for what is truly important.  

I am trying to start making time.  

I don't want to say scheduling, because that simply means more of the same.  I am working to identify the things that are truly important to me and making the time to do them. 

The repair to the deck was on of those things.  It's been waiting. 

Yesterday was the start of another example.  

The first spring we lived here I noticed a struggling little lilac bush on the edge of the back yard before it rolls down the steep hill that is the majority of my yard. It was so pretty the little baby flowers.  Sadly, our yard has been over run for years before us with invasive honeysuckle.  Every year since I have told Hubs I wanted to get down there and cut out the honeysuckle.  Between illness, rain or heat for 4 years it has gone unchecked.  I was sure I had completely lost the lilac bush and the Rose of Sharon (what survived from my grandson's pruning a few years back) on the other side was definitely looking like it was lost also. 

Hubs and I headed down the steep hill.  The honeysuckle was going down.  

As we cut through honeysuckle and wild raspberries, the thorns tearing at our arms and legs, I was feeling hopeless.  It took a few hours to cut back the honeysuckle, it was so overgrown and killing everything.  Finally, there it was.  

The little lilac bush was still there.  It's in bad shape from having been overrun, but it is still there. 

We also cleared around the Rose of Sharon.  Maybe it will bloom this year.  It's so beautiful. 

There are piles of honeysuckle dying in piles on lawn.  It is not finished.  It is definitely going to be a long term project.  But it's a start.  

We accomplished something that had been waiting for years.  It felt incredible, at least the accomplishment did.  The aches and pains today prove Hubs and I were smart to hire our grandson to deal with the rest of cutting and bagging. 

Having made the decision to just dive in, felt incredible. It felt inspiring.  It felt like it opened more opportunities. It is amazing how much time we waste on television, computer and phone time.  It eats up hours of time.  Hours that we don't realize we lose until far too late. 

Who knows maybe this is the beginning of me finally starting to wrap up some projects.  I love my job.  It does make me happy.  So does my home.  I've been neglecting too much. 

I was hoping to invite one of my friends over for dinner yesterday.  We wanted to grill and visit.  As most of the deck items are stashed in the house, there was no way I was going to subject anyone to that.  Maybe the deck will be finished tomorrow... I need some time with family and friends. 

I love this shift... I hope it continues...

wandering thoughts...

The sunrise this morning was breathtaking. The camera on my phone is not even remotely going to do it justice.  I decided to walk the boys myself this morning, since this loss of an hour has me so discombobulated. I truly wish we could leave things alone.  I understand when it had a time and place.  I don't think we still have those needs. Today we live in a 24 hour society for the most part, so all it does is steal an hour of sleep as we seem to function by the clock.

Out in the brisk morning air with the beautiful sunrise my mind completely started wandering.  I cherish quiet alone times for that very reason. In the silence the mind is free to roam.

I never take my phone with me when I walk the boys.  Although as I type that, I realize that I probably should if I am alone.  Not because I have anyone I need to talk to, but because they are both very old and getting more frail by the day.  What if something happened to one of them and I had them both with me... oh dear that is another rabbit hole that needs to wait for another day.

In the silence this morning, I could hear the poem about the sunrise/sunset that my parents both always shared with us... red in the morn' sailors take warn... does that apply to the almost brilliant purple and pink hue that I saw today?

Playing with my old man in the front yard filled my heart with such joy.  I know that my time with him is fading, yet the morning romp and stomp is still so fun and joyous.  It brings memories flooding back from all the years we've played it.  And it will be one of the things that I will miss the most, so I have to be sure to play it each morning, need to fill that memory bucket to over flowing.

Before the boys woke up I was sitting in one of my favorite chairs, yarn laced in between my fingers as my crochet hook gathered the stitches in the baby blanket I am working on.  I needed seven yesterday morning, but sweet Hubs noted that one of his staff became a Daddy for the first time last week and that his little man, a whopping 10 pounds 6 ounces, could use a blanket to keep him warm.  Luckily, I have one made that is quite masculine... I was hoping for gender neutral, but none of the yarns I have bought so far have quiet ended up that way.... so now I need at least eight.

As the yarns slide between my hands I was daydreaming back to a time that didn't seem so long ago, but now I'm not so sure.  A time before cell phones and portable computers.  Sure I had a computer back then.  And I technically had a portable phone, after all it was cordless.  I was thinking about how much more I used to accomplish.  The things I made didn't seem to take so long, they just became real.  As I was sitting here, pondering the difference between then and now it seemed elusive.

My skill has improved, that was over twenty years ago.  I have mastered many things in that time.  What was causing my lack of creative productivity?  The yarn sliding between my fingers is soothing.  It's that way with all of my creative outlets, they calm me.  So what had changed?  Was I really working so much that I couldn't find time?

My mind for some reason kept returning to the huge ranch house on the farm in Spanaway, Washington.  One of my all time favorite homes, despite being hopeless trapped in the early 70's.  I kept remembering a morning sitting at the island in the kitchen while the kids were eating breakfast before school and I was working on a baby bib.  I don't remember what it looked like, I just remember my ex questioning me about it and telling him that if I did a bit a day I would have it finished in no time.  The mind is a crazy thing.  It truly is like a card catalog in a library or a computer with too many tabs open, bouncing in between them all.

My old boy likes company when he eats breakfast and dinner after his walks, usually I sit and play a game on my phone or surf the internet.  I seriously do not do well just sitting still, probably something I should work on mastering.  Today I didn't have my phone or my Chromebook.  I picked up my coffee cup and my craft bag.  Then sat beside him working on the blanket.  It was like someone hit me with a brick.

It all the sudden occurred to me what was slowing me down. What is probably slowing many of us down from accomplishing things that we love to do.  The things that fill our souls and help us grow.  Electronics.  Computers, phones, constant connectivity.

I have a stack of books by my bed, I never seem to have time to read, even though I desperately want to do so.  My excuse is that I don't have enough time.  Yet I will lie in bed at night and read short article after short article until my eyes grow heavy on my phone.  I don't know if it is the lighting or the ease.  Or is it simply that we are being programmed to only handle short snippets as opposed to a book?

My mind can get kind of twisted.  I can go down all kinds of rabbit holes when allowed the time to think.  I am surely not the only one.  And many conspiracy theories jump out at me. Again probably as a result of all of the electronic brainwashing that we are all subjected to.

I think it is time to get lost in the past for a while.  To recreate the days when I could spend hours in my sewing room without noticing.  Or spend a day walking through new towns and exploring new places.  I didn't have a cell phone then or at least one I used much, because I would have to buy more minutes.  I remember hours sitting in the parks while my children played in fountains and on playgrounds, reading a book, working on projects, absorbing the laughter and sunshine like they were essential elements of life.

Yesterday was a day of contrasts, yet I am sure it is where these thoughts started. Hubs and I went to work to support the job fair, even though it was a crazy rainy morning that few were brave enough to tackle going out in.  I was able to support the team with shutting the pool due to lightning and finding guards.  Then Hubs and I headed to the physic fair, normally I can't wait, but I wasn't drawn yesterday, so we skipped it.  He drove, so that I could crochet, I was finding so much peace in it. A few errands and Bloody Mary's later we arrived back at home for an early afternoon nap.

Hubs woke me up around four to tell me that it was 65 degrees and sunny, of course that meant we were dropping the top and heading out to explore in the sunshine.  We'd never been to Lone Elk Park, yet it's been on the to do list and seemed like the perfect excursion for the little bit of day we had left.  I feel we will go many more times, the sunshine, the top down, the bison and the elk.  Sweet Hubs was sitting on the back of the convertible taking pictures and both of us were enjoying the beauty of nature.

The view from where I am sitting today, is a picture of perfection.  My old boy sleeping, my spinning wheel with roving waiting for attention.  The rising sun casting a soft glow.  Spring is on the way, I just got a high pollen alert, I'd say that its definitely time for some out with the old, in with the new.

Time for more intention and less distraction...

making time...

I love the brightness that comes with a fresh snowfall.  Even when the moon doesn't seem to be shining due to cloud cover, it is bright and clear.  I think I stood for almost an hour last night looking down at the hills behind my house. Normally you can't see anything. There is no contrast.

Last night the trees were pitch black against the bright white background, I could see the deer strolling around, foraging for food in the deep snow.  It as breathtakingly beautiful.  I wish I could have gotten a picture, but just like sunrises, it's so hard to get a good night shot with a cell phone and I didn't have my good camera upstairs.

I got lost in the beauty.

It felt like the perfect ending to a busy and rewarding kind of day. I didn't get everything done that I am behind on, I guess I am further behind than I thought.  Who am I kidding?  I've been behind for almost 4 years, I'm not further behind I'm hopelessly behind. But it was a rewarding day just the same.

The upstairs carpets were cleaned, most of it was dusted (I avoided the sewing room - that will take weeks!) and bathrooms were scrubbed, I succeeded at getting most of the Christmas decorations down and boxed up for the coming year.  It will all happen, just didn't happen over the weekend.

I am not going to say I even managed to clean out one full closet, I didn't.  The laundry is all caught up - that in itself is a miracle.  Hubs is constantly trying to get me to agree to letting someone come once a week and do that, nope - the very idea does not sit well with me.  In the process I filled 2 big bags of things that either no longer fit, haven't been worn in at least a year or simply weren't great ideas when purchased. I'd cleaned out the pantry two weekends ago and had an assortment of household goods to add to the mix. Over the course of this week, I want to go through winter coats, we have so many and it's time for donations to happen.  People can definitely use warm coats when the temperatures drop so low.

We took a quick run to Savers and donated the full trunk of clothes and household items.  I wasn't finished cleaning things out, but needed a break.  It felt good to get it out of the house.  And FYI a Beetle has a much larger trunk than one would expect.  Especially when you take the cover for your convertible out.  That is something we will not be needing for a bit, so much snow and temperatures expecting to drop into the single digits.  I'll take the trunk space right now.

I like to donate to Savers because they support the veterans.  I'm not a huge fan of Goodwill, they like to donate to their CEO's pocketbook and there isn't a Salvation Army near me, that I am aware of.  As I clean out the house, I will donate more and will probably share the wealth a bit.  St. Vincent's is also good, but they were closed.

I keep thinking I should join one of those groups that cleans out so much a day.  I think about it and then I realize that one - I am not a joiner and groups are not in my comfort zone, and two - if I had time to do that, I would already be doing it.  So I don't.  Shoot I don't really have the time for this.

Sitting here in the silence, surrounded by my plants, soft candlelight and the magnificent darkness out the bay window.  And day dreaming while I am typing.  I don't have time.  I do have things to work on.  I've come to the conclusion that all work and no "play" is making me an unbalanced person. This does not work for me at all.

Nope... not going out.

I have a ton of things that are work related that I could be using this silent time to complete, things that need the silence for me to focus on, I just can't right now. I don't want to delve into that world for a few moments.

I even made the decision to pack my lunch this week.  I might need to schedule it on my calendar to insure it gets eaten.  I may even go sit my little car and read a book, but I am definitely going to find a break in the middle of the day.

I am learning to make time again, I'm slowly stepping back from being immersed in the rat race.  I wonder if there is a 12 step process, if there isn't there should be.  I am not the only person who is living a non-balanced life.  Not even close.

It's all about the small steps.

Exhaustion...

Muscles hurt, deep down almost to the bone.

It's a good hurt.  The bone weary kind that comes from good honest hard work.

Hubs and I have been on a mission this weekend.  He spent so much time helping our girl.  She is changing her world around.  So many things that have needed done, she is tackling it all, mostly by herself.  We are a bit too busy to give her unlimited time. But we love being able to help her... we love sharing the joy of being family.

I chose this weekend to work on our home.  I've been struggling with so many things this year, that I think for a bit I just stopped caring.  No energy, no drive, no desire to participate in the day to day of life.

I spent 4 hours today simply doing laundry, ironing, sorting through closets and drawers.  It felt amazing. It felt like I was reconnecting with my life.  While I was gently pressing creases in Hubs work slacks and ironing what felt like a mountain of Harley shirts, he was busy helping our daughter remove a play set that was rotting away.  In a hurry before the baby fell got hurt in her hurry to grow up and explore her surroundings.

Time has been spent cleaning, lifting stones, cleaning food and snot off the baby's face.  She's got a bit of congestion going on so lunch was interesting.

Hubs and I spent time entertaining her and tracking down all the gallons of stain that our girl needed for her current project. She is such a sweetie and listening to her using the few words she's mastered and the ones she is still trying to learn just makes me giggle.

I finally learned to work the Instapot... well maybe... I did master dog food and the best part... they loved it.  Mr. Fussy - Gator - munched down a bowl and a half. Although one piece of broccoli did find a way back out.  Okay... he spit it out.  It was hysterical watching him chomp, chew and spit it.  I didn't know a dog could literally spit, but he did.  Evidently, he is related to former President Bush - he doesn't like broccoli and he is not going to eat it!

The fact that both of them ate it, filled me to over flowing with joy.  Both of them have been battling stomach issues for over a week.  I hate to see them suffering and I always question the food "by-products" they pass off as real food.  I shouldn't have to coax my boys to eat their dinner.  They should want to eat it.  Although I will admit that my stomach was doing absolute flip flops with that liver.  EWWWW!

Our girl fixed us dinner as we were preparing dinner for her.  I promised a grandson lasagna (his favorite) as a house warming present, it's just as easy to make multiples so I did!  One for the girls and one for us tomorrow night when one of my B's is here. We are not doing exceptional transitioning to vegetarian meals, but that is just fine, for now.

Walking back through the door tonight, I was mesmerized by how much like a home our house smells tonight. We've been eating out far too often.  I haven't had the time or energy to cook.  Tonight between the lasagna, the Greek Chicken from the girls and ironically the dog food.  It smells homey. You can actually smell the love.

Well, the cicada's are singing and my bone weary body is calling for an early night, or is that the glass of wine?

Either way, it's time to call it quits for the day.... my pillow is calling, I'm sure that is what I hear...