disconnection...

It's a powerful feeling.  I have one more bit of business to take care of today.  An all staff meeting tonight to celebrate my team after a crazy, exhausting summer.  And then, for the most part, I will completely disconnect.  I will approve payroll, I will be available for emergencies.  But it's time to disconnect. 

Recording my voicemail out of office message, felt incredible. Putting my out of office on my email.  Equally powerful. 

I've had my bucket emptied for far too long. 

I have a lot of bits to tie up today.  I will finish them.  Tomorrow I can officially stop thinking for a moment. 

This morning has been calming.  Hubs put on an older movie and we sat and enjoyed it.  I tuned out when he moved on to far too many episodes of old television.  My fingers gleefully wrapped around strands of yarn.  Mindlessly working the stitches that my fingers have memorized.  No thought required.  

A bit of time spent texting with my daughter and one of my sisters.  The desire to start my time off today bubbling up deep inside.  

I've never watched the movie Baby Boom.  As it was playing this morning I was rooting for her to make the choice that she did, at the same time I was feeling an overwhelming understanding that the feelings I have been fighting have been something we've been sliding headlong into for a really long time! That movie is over 30 years old, yet there was today's reality in full color. 

I'm not sure I want to move to a 200 year old farm house, some of those challenges seemed far more overwhelming than I am currently able to process.  Yet the thought of walking away from everything and finding myself, my center, having time for what is truly important.  Yep, those things definitely resonated with me.  

Everywhere I turn I am seeing people important to me struggling.  Between the rat race (those are some huge rats folks), our diets and other things that I'm slowly starting to explore... it feels like we are losing us. 

I woke up to news that one of my oldest friends had checked into the hospital.  I am sending prayer and healing energy to him and his wife.  There are health issues far closer to home.  How much of it is tied to our diets, our stress factors, pushing ourselves to limits that are unfathomable? How much of it is the fact that our society has stopped being okay with people just being people. 

Yep, I am desperately in need of this break.  This chance to simply stop. Hubs and I haven't made plans for this break.  We aren't going to.  There are things that we need to continue to explore.  We will take some close to home adventures.  We will enjoy our home.  Love our pup.  And reconnect with each other. 

After some quality time with my doctors, lots of tests. Hubs having to deal with tests, exams, waiting for results, etc...  I finally decided it was time to reevaluate the damage that we had been doing to ourselves, unintentionally, but doing just the same.  

Dinners out, simply from exhaustion, skipping meals, living on coffee and convenient junk just to keep moving at the pace that we decided was being demanded of us.  Note I said that we decided.  No down time or the bit we found being consumed by consuming.  Weekly shopping, chores, more stuff to do and buy. Finding wineries and numbing ourselves. Rush, rush, hurry, hurry. 

None of that has really been making us happy. In fact, it's been making us miserable. 

Over two years ago I learned of Forks Over Knives.  I've been researching.  I've been occasionally making recipes.  I've been arguing the premise in my own mind as someone's agenda. Refusing to watch the video - I am not interested in seeing slaughter houses thank you very much. 

I also wasn't interested in a vegetarian/vegan diet.  I know far too many vegetarians/vegans that don't eat any healthier than I was and weren't in any better physical shape. And I am not referring to size.  I couldn't care less about that.  I mean health wise. 

Sharp pain, a medical professional's careless statement about surgeries and other things and my stress escalated beyond belief. So did my natural need to learn. 

I don't have to have any surgeries, Hubs, well we will see.  We haven't been doing our poor bodies any favors and some of it I can't undo. But much of it, we can stop any forward progression.  It's completely in our power to do so.  

Fear is a powerful motivator.  And I have an immense fear of medications and the medical profession as a whole.  I am never going to trust them.  It's not my nature.  I feel there is much that we have allowed to happen to us as a society and many of our ills have been placed upon us intentionally.  But that particular bit of conspiracy theory is for another time. 

I was a vegetarian for many years.  A very poor one, but still.  I didn't eat meat.  I replaced it with all kinds of man made, chemical filled substitutes.  And I definitely could live on potato chips and processed junk full of sugar.  After all I wasn't eating meat.  Almost 16 years ago Hubs convinced me to stop.  It didn't take much convincing.  After all, like I said I was not a very good vegetarian, I hadn't given up non-foods. I hadn't studied it nor made an effort to understand the complexities. 

Heck, I have a freezer full of processed, made to taste like meat, chemical laden foods right now.  Things that I convinced myself were a healthy choice. 

After the charming PA scared the living crap out of me two weeks ago, I seriously started processing thoughts.  Not food.  For me it was a case of simply stopping.  Eliminating what wasn't serving me.  That is how I am.  

A doctor stating that if I didn't would mean medication - writing me prescriptions (like I am actually going to take those?), surgeries, needles... nope, sorry.  I don't do those things.  There are times in my life that I seriously do not remember - snippets of memories filter through, but that is all, because I have allowed doctors to prescribe medications and took them.  Not the future I want.  

Hubs is still adjusting a bit.  I think he long ago accepted that I am odd and different.  That I hear a totally different band playing.  Sometimes he might struggle with understanding who I am and where I am going, other's... he just plays along to my beat.  I mean the man gave me a meteorite for an anniversary present!!  Of course he understands me!

I am so excited to be able to prepare amazing foods for him for the next two full weeks.  To not have to reset our taste buds a bit.  Almost a year ago he had a stroke, it was minor in that he was able to recover almost 100%.  For a year he's been dealing with the side effects of the medications that they prescribed.  Those medications have been bringing their own challenges health wise and now he has other things he must deal with.  I need for that kind of stuff to stop. 

I can't change all of it.  

But I am dang sure going to work on changing most of it. I can control the food we eat.  For now he's willing to walk this path with me.  He loves yummy meals.  And he does trust me in crazy ways.  He is willing to try.  I am willing to try.  He's even helping me chop the veggies and prepare the meals.  

These two weeks will also give us some quality down time.  Heck we might even finish unpacking our house.  It's only been 5 years!

It is definitely going to give us time for some experiences.  Maybe we will find some creeks to explore, some back roads to travel, some adventures. A chance to fall in love even deeper than we are.  With each other, our lives, our journey. 

If you read my blog, I guess I should warn you that there might be days of it getting really deep.  I need a chance to explore these thoughts and this journey.  There are things coming that are going to be raw. Thoughts and feelings that are going to need to be dealt with and faced.  There are probably going to be an incredible amount of pictures of healthy foods.  The colors of the rainbow and full of life giving nutrition.  I promise to not become radical, but I know that I need this journey to stay sane, to heal both myself and my dear sweet Hubs.  His journey is harder than mine right now, these medications need to go, I am going to be the stronger one, until he is able to be the strongest one again. 

I am feeling the universe is yelling at me to pay attention.  I feel the things that I used to interpret as distractions are really things I need to pay attention to.  I am growing stronger in that knowledge. I have never known why I chose to write my blog, I still don't.  Nor do I understand why there are times that I am drawn to write with more of an urgency than others.  

Maybe it is all part of this crazy journey, this process to discovery?  Maybe it is simply that I find it healing. 

Anyhow... the journey is continuing, more insanity is sure to follow... after all I now own a meteorite full of the power of the universe!