I distinctly remember saying we are just going to look, we are NOT bringing him home.
After waiting for what seemed like hours, probably only 30 minutes, the officer came and had us follow her to the dog handling area. She let him come running to me. There I was all squatted down low, arms spread wide expecting that little, big ball of fur to stop short. Cautious. Unsure of me. What I was not expecting was that little fireball lunging straight into my arms, landing me flat on my back with all 60 plus pounds of him on my chest, licking me like I was his favorite flavor of ice cream.
I gently scolded him about licking (it freaks me out) and wrapped my arms tightly around that ball of energy that needed a bath. He never licked my face again. And I never took my arms from around him.
Until about half an hour ago.
Just about four and a half years ago, the vet said, he's got cancer and he's too old to operate on. Take him home and love him. Cherish every moment and make it count, to bring him back when it was time. I remember through teary eyes, sobbing and numb at the same time, asking him how will I know when it is time? His response... He will let you know.
I was fearful this morning, just the way he'd been acting, the staggered, short walk. The refusal to eat his treats. The look in those beautiful eyes.
I got the call about an hour before I planned to leave. I don't even remember what I left sitting on my desk as I grabbed my keys, phone and bag and told my friend that I had to leave. The panic hadn't set it, but I could feel it. I was praying that Hubs was just being over cautious again. I was praying that it wasn't time. I knew it was. I've known it was coming I could feel it. He woke me up super early this morning, usually I am waking him up. I could hear him walking around, but something wasn't right.
I think I drove home on auto pilot tonight. As soon as I cleared the door those sweet eyes gazed up at me. The look told me all I needed to know. He was waiting for mommy. I lifted him over to his bed, loved on him for a moment and told him I would be back down in a few moments.
I knew it was time.
He was letting me know. I wrapped my baby in a blanket and snuggled him close. I sat with him to let Neeko say good bye. I know I was stalling leaving the house. I also know that as rough of a start as he and Neeko had they truly were brothers that loved each other. Neeks is going to be lost.
I took my time saying goodbye. Those last minutes seemed far too short. I told him how much I loved him and thanked him for loving me unconditionally. At about 5:45 pm I let my baby cross the rainbow bridge. He was hurting. He was tired. I could have been selfish, and Lord knows I wanted to be selfish. I wanted as much time as I could gather to my heart. I could have waited a few more hours, holding him close and petting that sweet head. Stroking the soft fur and talking softly to him. He was ready to go. He was tired. He was letting me know.
I couldn't... that sweet boy was my heart dog. He was truly my baby. I could never allow anything to hurt him. He went to sleep softly in my arms. His eyes gently closed, his heart slowly stopped. I held him until his little paws got cold. And I carefully laid him in the "pet hearse". Paws Forever will bring him home again to me soon.
Tonight a loving heart stopped. He was almost 19. I was blessed. Right now... I feel lost.
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