I had forgotten this part of the mourning process. It could be my subconscious is still programmed to wake and listen for his breathing in the middle of the night. Not sure. I'm at peace, I'm not tortured that he's gone. I'm hurting. I look at his spots and my heart tightens. It's different than the ones I lost far too young. Yet it hurts just the same.
I struggled all day yesterday to figure out what I wanted inscribed on his box. Torn. Too few words to express his lifetime of love and devotion. I finally decided late last night. Over 24 hours of loss had the clearing ability I needed.
As I was driving home from work last night the sky, the air, everything was this strange orange color. We had a horrible storm roll in around 6 pm. The sky went from pure beautiful blue with bright sunshine to a deep rolling black/gray color. You could see it moving in. For hours lightning lit the deepness all around us. When I left a little after 8 pm feeling beat up and incapable of anything, the sky started to lighten. It as still raining, lightning was flashing all around, but the sky turned orange. I felt like I was in some strange Hollywood sci fi as I drove home.
My mind was processing the day, some news I had received, the loss of my sweet boy, worry over how Neeko was doing. It was surreal. It was overwhelming. I felt like I had somehow become part of the sunset, not just simply watching it.
Maybe all of those things were the reason for the stolen sleep?
Of all our babies, Neeko is the most social. Either of the other two would have gladly been an only child. Not Neeks. He is the eternal puppy at heart. The house is littered with his toy collection, he is worse than a two year old. He's bouncy and joyous. And he thrives on attention and love.
The journey to this home and now has taken us from a micro zoo... 2 cats, 2 dogs, a lizard and turtle to simply Neeko. It feels weird to not think in plural terms. Hubs just took Neeko for his morning walk. I guess I could have gotten dressed and joined them. But my heart isn't ready. I don't want anyone to ask where Gator is. People get weird when you refer to them passing, some people just don't understand that he is our baby. Hubs and I never had two legged children together. Our boys, are just that, our boys.
When I got home last night Neeks didn't greet me with a toy, as he usually does. He wandered over, head down, eyes looking sad and lonely. I could see what had worried Hubs all day. I couldn't have it. I am not ready for him to mourn himself to the Rainbow Bridge, he will get there soon enough. He will be 15 in November, unheard of for his breeds.
I grabbed a stuffed bunny from his toy box and told him it was mine! In typical two year old style the challenge was accepted. We played for about 15 minutes. Chasing each other around the main floor, playing with his toys, watching the joy return to his eyes. He even climbed in bed with me at the end of the night. Allowing me to comfort him. He hadn't allowed that the night before.
I don't know how many more sunrises and sunset we will share with our Neeko. Our last boy, I hope there are many. I'm not ready for any more loss right now. I'm not ready for silence of that level.
There are other things to occupy my mind, things that will need a lot of my attention. But for this moment in time. I am choosing to focus on bringing joy back to a silly old boy, I don't want him to experience any more loneliness than is necessary.
I'm processing the next steps, I'm processing the news I received yesterday. There is some educating that needs to happen. I need to learn more. I need to figure out what all of it means. For today and this moment, it can wait.
This morning Hubs and I washed off the rocks that have been rolling for most of the month. Phase 3, pre-polishing has started. Hubs has fallen in love with one of the most beautiful stones, and I need to start exploring how to create a ring for him with it. It is so very beautiful, the energy of that stone will be perfect for him. A few more weeks until their true beauty shines through... When do I get to phase 3 for me?
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