confused...

Are we turning a corner?  Does anyone else have moments that find them scratching their heads and feeling like they have entered the twilight zone? Or is it possible that I have finally slipped into a space where the people that are entering my life and that I am spending time with are truly kindred spirits?

Strange conversations, activities and interactions keep happening.  The people that I randomly encounter and have conversations with are more aligned than ever and no they absolutely are not all 60 year old women.  

I think that is what seems so surreal.  Hubs and I were at Costco a few weeks back.  And anyone that has every spent a minute knows he does not know a stranger.  AT ALL!  He struck up a conversation with one of the young ladies doing samples as he often does.  The conversation became so lively with others at her station joining in, and other customers also.  It all revolved around how no one knows how to cook anymore, the loss to the education system where home economics and shop classes rarely occurred anymore, where kids learn odd social constructs but not basic life skills,  and how little useful information was being taught. 

You can imagine how the conversation went and grew.  I do have a passion around this topic so it was absolutely incredible to listen to it all.  I can honestly say my jaw almost hit the floor when the most passionate woman in the group mentioned that she was only 23 and that she would NOT be sending her kids to public schools.  She wanted them to learn true life skills and have a productive future.  Another of her co-workers piped in with the same thoughts and concerns.  What?  Huh?

More and more of my neighbors are gardening, I run into folks randomly that are creating gardens, learning skills, searching for ways to learn skills, I find myself deep in conversations about canning, food storage, where to buy quality, chemical free products.  It's absolutely mind-boggling.

I've already shared that my youngest grand-daughter had presented me with her skills wish list for the summer, she wanted to learn to make butter, applesauce and lip balm.  Seems there was something else, but my over stimulated brain is struggling to remember it. 

We started on her list a couple of weeks back.  Butter, lots of it!  At nine years old she is already building her own box of skills, and this gramma couldn't be happier. Who cares about messes?  Not me, they can always be cleaned up.  I care about the memories, the future, the carrying forward of things that society seems to be trying to erase. She was into gardening a few years ago, but made herself sick to her tummy eating all of the cherry tomatoes she grew.  She's boycotting the garden now, but I feel she will come back around before long. 

Last night I was wrapping up the current batch of butter, methodically, slowly, enjoying the journey. Smiling as I looked in the bowl at each step, watching it turn from a thick, heavy raw cream into the soft yellow butter.  No extra ingredients, well until the salt in the final step - because I prefer salted butter. As I squeezed the final drops of buttermilk from my butter my mind slowly wandered to the possibility of either finding an antique butter board or directions to make my own. As I shaped it and put into the mold, I was enjoying the feeling of producing the butter for our use.  Knowing I've eliminated the chemicals and created something that is good for us. 

A series of pictures popped up in Facebook feed from 10 years ago.  It was her older sister at just 10 years old sitting in my sewing room learning to make a skirt for herself.  I remember that day so clearly.

Driving that same sister home from work the other day, our conversation started going into territory that I was not expecting.  When she started to tell me that she is old fashioned and feels that things are spiraling out of control, that there is a lack of morals and consequences for behaviors, that we needed to go back to how things used to be, I was stunned.  What?  Again, HUH?

I was reading an article the other day saying how young folks are shunning electronics and all of the distractions that have been thrown at them since they were young.  How they are craving a 90's childhood experience.  I can't say that I don't agree with them, although I would probably say a 70's childhood is even more wholesome and needed. I can't wait to see bikes littering lawns, and hear laughter as kids gather under streetlights playing with sidewalk chalk.  Of to see kids splashing in puddles after the rain, looking for fireflies at dusk. Mom's and Dad's gathering in the front yards enjoying conversations and a beverage while the kiddo's play.  Be still my heart. 

In a different moment I read an article about young folks buying up the old motels that line almost every back road around, silently sitting there reminding those of us old enough to know of simpler times.  Of road trips with the family to quieter spaces and quality time.  They are breathing life into them.  They are encouraging folks to relive those moments, that peaceful, slower life. I would love to own one of them myself.  A space where the rooms are unique, not cookie cutter and cold.  Where folks could gather outside in the evenings around a small pool or fire pit and talk about their journeys, destinations or simply dreams. 

For a while Hubs and I had dreamed of owning a B&B.  There was always a reason not to.  I could definitely enjoy rehabbing and owning a small roadside motel, where the vacancy sign let you know if there was a room to rent at the end of a day spent exploring those roads less traveled.  Where there might be a fresh snack, not some prepackaged vending machine crap, and a pitcher of cool fresh water to help you relax.  Where a friendly smile and comfy bed waited for you.

I sure hope their dreams catch fire and lead us all back to the slower times. Maybe the old bowl and pitchers will make a reappearance.  My sister sent me a link the other day to one that was for sale, a bowl and pitcher, not motel, I almost bought it.  I love them, they remind me of simpler times, or slower times. The only thing that stopped me is I am trying to declutter, not add to the clutter. 

The farm where I buy a lot of my milk, eggs, meats and veggies among other things is another reminder of the slower, simpler life that I am drawn to.  I love my weekly trip to pick up my order and before long I think Hubs and I will drive out to the shop itself, instead of just relying on the weekly delivery.  Although I adore the folks that deliver everything.  I kept seeing the pictures of their shop and knew that I needed to go in person, I needed to experience the whole process. 

Last week I got a message, the delivery team thought that I had left my glasses at pick up.  It wasn't me, but the fact that they went out of their way to reach me, was powerful. I am pretty sure Walmart, Schnucks or any of the other big boxes wouldn't care less.  They'd even offered to pay for the replacement if they weren't still where they had left them.  Again, what??

Each time I log into their site I find something new added.  It doesn't all come from their farm, it comes from a collaboration effort of farms and people that are so much like myself.  I'd  wished it wasn't so far, it is a community I could lose myself in.  I wished there was something similar closer, instead of huge corporate groceries and shops.  I want mom & pop.  I want real.  I long for real, real everything, not just some of it.  All of it.

Yesterday, Hubs and I made the trip out to Leaning Oaks Farm.  It was only 50 minutes or so, it's out in the middle of absolutely no where.  It's perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  I adore their little shop, we'd only planned to pick up a few things, we bought far more, as it was there to consider we just had to.  The wonderful woman that owns the farm was sweet enough to have the meats that we wanted packaged and in the freezer for us. One of the cows that's had a difficult time since giving birth was lying in the field just beyond the shop, chewing on her hay, watching us.  There was a beautiful farm kitty sitting there, enjoying the sunshine, soaking up the goodness of life. 

Hubs isn't always going to be on vacation, we won't always have time to run out to the store, but we will definitely go back.  I really needed it.  I still do. 

I am focusing hard on creating what we need.  Not rushing to a shop or a big corporate place.  I'm working on Hubs' sweater for example. I want us to have quality, not quantity.  When I finish his sweater it will have over a hundred hours in it.  I'm okay with that.  I know it is 100% wool.  There is nothing else in there, it isn't even dyed.  It is being custom made for him.  He won't run into someone else wearing the same thing.  Ever. The soft fiber calms my soul and allows my heart to rest. And I think of him with each stitch.  It will truly be made with love. 

I don't truly understand what is going on.  I can truly say I am excited for it. It feels like an under current of people realizing that faster, quicker, immediate isn't always better.  It feels like a movement is being born that slides beneath the veneer of today's world.  A movement of people like myself, people that long for simpler, quieter, slower.  Where slow meals, meaningful conversations, good ingredients, quality, truthfulness and kindness still matters. 

anyone want to stoll along a beach?

How are these people, these moments showing up deeper in my space?  Is it because I am intentionally moving deeper into that life?  Is it because like attracts like?  Or is there truly a change happening.  

maybe take a slow walk in the rain?

I wish I knew, I wish I had a crystal ball to give me all the answers.  Sometimes I hate waiting for things to reveal themselves.  The calm I am feeling is giving me hope, the things I am witnesses are unfolding like a promise.  I'm here for it, I want to be part of that kind of movement.  I want to be part of doing things for the greater good, I'm tired of this rat race...

Anyone else noticing this?  Am I the only one? Surely not? I have some other thoughts that I need to share, but I am still processing them.  Still making sense.  So much is going on, so many things feel like they are turning.  Are we at a turning point?

much love, 

b

tiny treasures...

Has someone ever surprised you with a tiny treasure?  A gift that simply takes your breath away with not only it's simplicity, but the generosity? 

Yesterday Hubs and I were doing our weekend running, with my wonky vision lately, I get a bit anxious running errands and such.  I know it's an irrational fear, but I'm good with my knight in shining armor escorting me on the weekends.  One of the stops was down outside of Arnold at Your Quilt Shop, it's my favorite shop locally.  They seem to enjoy the same types of fabrics that I do, making it so easy.  Not to mention that I simply LOVE the folks that are there.  Owners and customers alike. 

I had purchased a bunch of fabric and a pattern last weekend, but we were in a rush and they were super busy and close to closing.  As I wasn't starting the quilt anytime soon, I decided to simply come back for it later. 

My joy in this shop is immense, thankfully, I live no where close or I would be going back to work to feed my addiction.  It isn't just the fabric or the stuff they sell, although they definitely make my styles.  The people are incredible.  No one is a stranger, everyone is welcome.  Heck the ladies in the back room are usually giving Hubs snacks and keeping him entertained while I shop. 

Yesterday, during a wandering conversation with the owner, she asked if we liked fresh tomatoes, I mean who doesn't?  Then we started talking about gardening and the next thing I knew she handed me a bean pod.  Not just any bean pod.  But one from her garden.  One that has a lineage.  

Oh it's just a mild mannered unassuming red bean.  But it is from a line that has nourished her husbands family since before the great depression.  It comes from a line that fed them during those dark times.  I am so stupid excited about this little bean pod.  It's unbelievable. 

Hubs and I spent time yesterday plotting where those precious seeds would be planted next spring.  He's building me a raised box, one that will have an open bottom, and it will have a trellis for them to grow up onto, as high as they would like. I plan to cherish them, to grow as many as possible, to carry on the story. 

She also mentioned that the Roma is one of the meatiest that she has ever encountered and suggested I save those seeds as well.  You definitely know that is going to happen.  Honestly, my tomatoes have been a disappointment on many levels this year.  I will be making a spaghetti dish with the few that were actually not mushy inside.  The critters have enjoyed all of the "failures", it's just so disappointing, but there is always next season. 

Hopefully the roma's I grow next year will be from this wonderful gift I was given. 

I know it seems tiny, some might even feel it is silly.  To me?  It feels like a gift I can never repay.  Her hubby has started tending bees and we were able to buy a jar of their spring honey.  OH MY!  I actually had to make some yogurt last night, I cannot wait to enjoy that for breakfast on my freshly made yogurt.  It is the most beautiful flavor, she was explaining that it's because it was gathered before the bees started feasting on clover and the like.  It's from the first flowers of spring.  

The treasures that you cannot buy in a grocery store or even from a seed store.  

I am "patiently" waiting for the yogurt to cool so I can strain it and get it ready for breakfasts.  I will share a jar with my friend and my youngest grand - she loves it drizzled with honey and sprinkled with fruit and granola. I figured while I waited I would also work on a few of the things I've been putting off.  There is a big pot of broccoli cheddar soup on the stove right now, I will jar up some for a meal this week, but the rest is heading to the freeze dryer.  I think I'm also going to make a batch of sloppy joe's and a batch of what my Hubs call's Marty's beans (it's a recipe from her and he loves them!).  I'm also going to try my hand at making Chicken Mulligatawny soup.  We had some recently, and we have no idea how we have never had it before. Some of each will be put in the fridge for easy meals this week, some of which will be freeze dried, for camping, traveling, when I don't feel like cooking... 

In the midst of it all, I am going to take advantage of this beautiful weather and get my scroll saw out and cut out the hippo that my sister ordered and she is waiting, very patiently, for.  Now that the weather has broken and it's pleasant I have so much that I want to do.  That I finally have the energy to do. The heat drains me, the coolness makes me want to do all the things. 

The soup is done. Time to start the beans, they need to bake for a bit, so I need to get on it.  

I hope that someone blesses you with a tiny treasure, that you can experience the joy that comes with it.  I can't be the only silly one on this planet! Or maybe you get the blessing of sharing a tiny treasure with someone else?

much love, b

is it in the DNA?

The rain stopped somewhere in the middle of the night, all that remains is the lingering dampness and the deep dreary cloud cover. The kind that says "maybe I'll downpour, maybe I won't... I'll get back to you on it." It's going to be a slow kind of day today.  The kind of day that beckons you to curl up with a good book or maybe take a nap. A reminder to slow down, to spend time taking care of yourself. Too bad I'm not a fan of napping and I spend far too many lost hours in books and reading. Today for me is a day to sew.

I'd forgotten that I'd promised to remake Hubs' housecoat that I'd made him, I used the wrong pattern at Christmas and it was a bit on the small side.  He wants one that is longer and bigger around, so it is more like a giant blanket than a robe. I have everything I need, I simply forgot to do it.  When a project lingers longer than a week or two, I definitely need a reminder to do it.  By the time he comes home, he will have a comfy, oversized robe to snuggle up in.  Something to protect him from the chill that comes with this much rain and the lingering dampness.

dang that looks long from this angle

I'd started to cut it out yesterday, so I only had a few bits to finish this morning. I'd stopped for several reasons, mostly it was the knowledge that if I put an extension leaf in the table it would be much easier to handle. And I wasn't in the right mindset to tackle that yesterday. At all!

As I was gathering everything up to cut it out, I discovered that my pattern was tattered and needed repair, and while gently pressing and creating the missing pieces I was struggling to understand why I was so reluctant to sew. I love sewing, but my mojo has been missing for over a month now.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. The last time that I had sat down to sew, not helped the Dragon or a quick repair, was the day Beau had his breakthrough seizure. I'm pretty sure on some deep level, I was afraid of a repeat. I can get kind of hung up on things like that.

This morning, as I was gently using my hands to smooth and press the soft layers of flannel together, I found myself lost in thought. Where did this knowledge come from? Heck, where did any of the knowledge of things I seem to simply "know" how to do come from?

Is it passed down from some deep pool of familial DNA? They claim to have proven that every woman born carries the cells of their maternal ancestry. Do those cells also carry the knowledge from generation to generation? I promise you that I did not learn to sewing in Home Economics class. Oh, don't get me wrong, I was shown the basics, but I was not the type of student that had the patience to listen for long. That is still how I function. Let me dig in, don't sit and talk at me. I assure you I will have tuned out in the first 5 minutes. My brain has already started sorting the project out without you.

As I slid the pins in, it seemed like something I have always known. Now, in all fairness I have been sewing - my first love, since I was in school... so we can safely say at least 45 to 50 years (cripes that is terrifying!), but lessons are not something I ever took. I don't have the ability to focus that long.

I don't tend to make clothing any longer, although I am very capable. There was a time I made most of my clothing and my kiddos. But somewhere along the line the cost of the patterns, then the fabrics, sky rocketed. It was no longer the least expensive way to have nice clothing. I have made wedding gowns, bridesmaid dresses, heck I even got coaxed into making a flamenco ball gown once. True fact - I despise working with boning and taffeta fabric. One of my favorite work "suits" from decades ago was made out of a beautiful navy wool. I wore it forever.

Again, as the prices soared and my spare time decreased, I fell into the habit of buying today's disposable clothing. Although, I am that person that keeps things for years and years. I have sweaters older than my children. I will mend and alter something until it barely resembles it's original self.

So lets go back to my original question, where does that almost innate knowledge come from? Are we all born remembering bits and pieces from the past? Do we each receive our own special mix of past knowledge that we are then given free will to do with as we please? Is that why I am drawn to creating? I use so many mediums, and I am never content to stay in one lane. Even now I am fighting an overwhelming (and I believe soon to be lost) battle to build a frame to make rugs out of scraps. Every time I turn around there is another pull to do this.

It doesn't mean I am giving up any of my other passions, just adding to the mix.

Do I have a pool of genes that are causing me to be driven to be self-sufficient? Is that why I do the things I do? Would it be quicker and easier to pick things up at the store. Yup. Of course it would. But where is the satisfaction in that? I don't want to be all the same. I don't want to trust others that my food is safe. I don't want to lose the skills that seem to always be right there when I need them.

I remember the sweet woman that taught me at the farmers market to use a drop spindle. I remember hearing her tell me that I must have been born with the skill as I was a natural. I was surprised at how easily it came to me. I'd always been drawn to it, but had never even attempted it. And there she was, offering to show everyone interested how to use it, how to create with it, right in my path as I was browsing for fresh vegetables. I left with a new spindle and roving, forgetting the veggies altogether.

I have friends and family that are incredible hunters, fishermen/women, their gardens are incredible, they have awesome skills with mechanical things, builders, medicinal, some are naturals with animals, amazing with numbers and math, etc... are those skills that they inherited along the way?

When I was in school I could not have cared less about being there. It wasn't my thing. I wasn't even very social, my "group" of friends was small and most I have long since lost touch with. My mind was a million miles away, except in history or art based classes (those always held my attention) at least until a teacher spent far too much time explaining rules and far too little time doing. If I started doodling, it was a great indication that I had tuned out. I was also that kid that never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Lord almighty more than a few teachers and counselors would make me crazy asking that question.

Me. That is what I wanted to be. Simply me. The person that now, at almost 60, I have become. The person that is free to follow the dozens of ideas that pop into my head on a daily basis. The woman that sees something beautiful and wants to dive in and experiment with the process. The person that has tons of knowledge without understanding the root of it, simply dying to try it all, immediately.

I don't know if I will ever know where the knowledge, ideas and drive comes from, but I am so thankful to possess it. To have been gifted with these treasures.

Thanks for walking in my crazy, random thoughts and questions. I may never be a master at anything I do, but I am so thankful for the journey and opportunity to explore them all. Aren't you glad you aren't my sweet Hubs? The man that feeds my insatiable quest to learn, do and create? He deserves a medal!

my co-conspirator in all I do!

Time to sew, he also needs a nice cozy, custom made robe....

love and peace, b

ahhhh... summer....

Started this beautiful morning out in the garden, the heat will be moving in so decided to take advantage of the coolness of the morning.  Thankfully each day is moving this annoying cold into the past and each day I have more energy to live my life. 

I was busy pruning up the storm damaged leaves and tidying up the dying branches and thinking.  I do that way too much I guess.  I work hard to keep my plants pruned up, I love the fact that by doing that I can extend my growing season.  I always start to get a bit sad this time of the year, watching the transition from a lush and vibrant mini-jungle to the yellowing leaves as it starts to fade away.  I know that I will still be harvesting for at least another month, but I know the end of this growing season is looming near.  

In another few weeks I will start planting my fall seeds, I spent time yesterday looking into a fall garden here in the mid-west.  I've never gotten around to planting one in the past, first I worked too much and then I had my knee surgery, so this is the first year that I will have a fighting chance at having one.  I'm sort of excited at the thought of trying my hand at some of these new to me harvests. I've never grown beets or turnips before and I am going to try growing garlic. 

As I was working on my canning yesterday and Hubs was doing his honey do's I was thinking about how in the heat of summer we naturally move to being inside, no different than in the deep of winter we move inside for warmth.  Is it any wonder that spring and fall tend to be many people's favorite seasons?  Very few folks seem to thrive in the extreme heat or bitter cold, most of us tend to gravitate to the mild temperatures surrounding those extremes. 

Yes the sunshine was beautiful, looking out the window tugged hard on my need to be outside, the heat definitely cured that.  I don't like humidity.  I enjoyed the sunshine from inside, where I was cool and comfortable. Just like during the winter I stay inside toasty and warm.  Same feelings, different times of the year. 

As the August heat is forcing me to choose to be inside, I am working on getting varying projects done.  Yesterday I canned an entire box of potatoes. I made even more jars of jalapeno's as I do not want to waste even the smallest jalapeno in my garden.  I harvested fresh basil to make pesto for dinner and harvested more tomatoes.  

In a few moments I am going to take all of my tomatoes and a few peppers, onions and some garlic and cook them down into a rich tomato sauce.  In the cold of winter it will remind us of the bounty we have been blessed with. 

Hubs is on vacation this week and we are spending it resting and puttering.  I love these kind of days.  When there is no rush, time is fluid and you can simply do what you feel called to do.  Hubs just headed up to nap, the pups were not willing to allow him to do so in the living room, each moment that he drifted off they pounced to encourage him to play. 

In a short while I am going to finish my blackberry jelly, I cooked the berries this morning and they are currently dripping.  I will also make a loaf of bread (I love that I have found a recipe that reminds me so much of my favorite German farmers bread with the added benefit of no grains).  I don't think much else will happen today.  

I might finish loading the quilt I started to load yesterday, depends on how much time I have. I will also finally weave in the ends of my new dishcloths and put them in the drawer to use. It's time to stop working on "fillers" and start on the sweaters that I want to be able to wear come winter.  I am quite happy with this ebb and flow kind of life I now am blessed to live. 

I still need to wrap my grand daughters gifts before her sweet 16 party tonight. Mostly, I think I will enjoy the lazy, hazy days of summer. 

love and peace...

moving away from fear...

My how time flies... Like the blink of an eye! A year ago this moment, my knee replacement surgery was just getting started.  I was oblivious to it all as my incredible doc worked his magic.  I can say that with all honesty at this point in the game.  Being as I am not a huge fan of any doctors and I question most medicine, that is a huge statement!  I am probably his biggest fan! I can't wait for my one year follow up on Monday.  My life is so much better because I took the chance that I had avoided for evidently far too long. 

This morning as I rushed up and down several sets of stairs barely touching the handrail it occurred to me that it had been almost a decade since that was something I could easily handle.  Something that didn't make me a bit ill to even consider doing.  I just moved on like nothing. 

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about things related to my surgery.  But mostly about the fact that fear holds us back far too often and for unreasonable reasons.  I've had to push through a lot of fear this week.  And honestly it really infuriated me. 

Over the weekend I came down with a cold.  I know shocking right?  I mean with everything going on in the medical field I sort of thought the good old fashioned summer cold had disappeared. I felt like crud for a couple of days, ya know the low grade fever, stuffy head, aches... wait isn't that a line from one of the medicines?  Anyhow, yes I do tend to be sarcastic.  Monday it started causing me to cough and that was when the fear arrived. 

Having had a rough bout of pneumonia just about a year and a half ago and with all the fear porn that surrounded it, I went to a super dark place in my head... I did not want to go through that again. The struggling to breathe, the inability to put together coherent thoughts, the fear. Nope, no thank you. 

Luckily, I'm a bit stubborn, willful and bull-headed - your good old fashioned witch (you can start that with a "b").  I wasn't going there.  I refused to be sick.  I refused to give into the fear.  I drank my OJ and elderberry teas, I took healthy doses of vitamins and zinc, I drank so much water I think the cold left for fear of drowning.  I moved my body, I kept living my life, just slowly.  For basically two and a half days I struggled hard.  

Then I said enough. I slept when I needed to, but I didn't linger in bed.  I refused to listen to any negative thoughts or fears. I got mad.  Yesterday, I did my life.  Sure I still sounded nasally, my head was still stuffed and I might need to buy stock in Puffs, but I did my life. 

Today, I'm breathing great, I am full of energy - much like yesterday except the breathing part - ready to live my best life. I spent lots of time out in the sunshine soaking up vitamin D over the past few days and I did a lot of work unwinding the fear that has been programmed into us for over two years now.  I was furious at myself for sliding into that web of deceit. 

Colds have been around forever, ya know, viruses and bacteria.  There was a time we didn't freak out.  Summer colds happened, they got passed around like yesterday's news. Everyone knew someone that had it or was just getting over it and you didn't lose your mind. It was just something that you got, you knew that the next 3 - 10 days were gonna suck and you moved on.  Everyone on the planet has had a 24 hour bug.

I was being a bit of a brat and whining to my sister stating that I wished we could simply go back to a simple cold instead of folks loosing their minds wanting you to shove a stick up your nose etc., it made me so sad when she said I don't think we are ever going to be able to go back to that time. 

Back to when we still believed in things like herd immunity, back when mom's would deliberately put their children in the room with other children when they had chicken pox, because the sooner they caught it, the better.  Back when you heard people say "oh I've already had that cold, no worries" or the flu or... when it was normal everyday conversation to say oh looks like there's a bug going around this family or that had it, or it's going through work, or it's going through school or the neighborhood or church.  Oh to go back. 

Puppy kisses are the cure for everything

I know at least 5 folks that have had this cold.  I was in contact with several without realizing it, my sweet Hubs is currently up in bed letting his body work through it now.  I am sure many others will have it before it goes away.  It doesn't need to involve fear. 

I know I'm focusing a lot on the cold, but that isn't what I am trying to draw my thoughts to, I almost didn't have my knee replaced out of fear.  So many people talked me out of it, had horrible outcomes, doctors wanted to wait (mostly because insurance companies wanted to wait), I was too young, it wasn't that bad... the list goes on. 

I almost backed out.  There was a nightmare of a challenge with my insurance and it almost had to be postponed.  I almost let the fear win.  Because if it had been postponed, I know that I would not have gone through with it.  I was terrified!  Frozen with fear to be exact.  I had faith in my surgeon and that was pretty much the only reason I went through with it.  But, I was tired of only living a portion of my life, of not being able to fully experience the world around me, of always making decisions based on what my knee could handle.  

A year ago, I could barely walk, the pain was incredibly severe and while compensating for the damage to the left, I was rapidly destroying the right knee.  In fact going into surgery I had been warned that I would probably need the other one done within the year.  Fast forward... I have run, skipped, hiked, I can chase my puppies and grand babies, I live my life fully. Waiting was the biggest regret, as I can never get that time I spent suffering back.  But... I am thankful. I am fairly positive that I will never end up replacing the right now, because it doesn't have that unfair burden damaging it.

I think about a lot of things that fear has prevented me from doing.  I wonder how many of us have been too afraid to walk away from that miserable job and follow a passion that is burning inside?  Or that relationship that isn't going anywhere, out of fear of being alone.  Maybe taking a solo trip to experience your comfort of getting to know and rely on yourself?  How many followed an education path that would "make money" but didn't light a fire of desire to learn inside?

I'm still deeply on this path of discovery, following my heart and learning to push the fear aside and simply experience life. It is so rewarding, so affirming.  I hate that forever we have been programmed by fear.  We might never succeed to our fullest potential because we are all afraid of failure, we are afraid of illness, of being alone, of not having enough money, of other's opinions and thoughts, we are taught almost from the beginning of our lives here on this planet to be in fear.  And the cycle just keeps on going.  

At some point, we need to stop it. We need to be okay with making our personal mantra "plot twist" and moving forward. I'm sitting here this morning celebrating the one year birthday of my knee and the wonderful blessings it has brought. I'm also working on setting my intentions for my next trip around the sun which will start tomorrow morning at 4:01 am.  I have been working for over a year now on letting go, on being okay with the plot twists, of flowing in this lifetime and letting that flow guide me and my journey, and most importantly... moving away from fear. 

I don't know where my journey leads, but I am really loving the path I am following.  For the first time in my life I truly feel that I am doing and being what I came here to do.  It's a great feeling... 

love and peace

thinking out loud...

There is rain moving in. Or at least the promise of rain.  The air is thick with it, not humid, but heavy.  Like it wants to burst forth with life giving water and soothe the land.  It was supposed to start around 3 am, now it looks like it might come around 10 am.  Who knows if it will actually fall.  I didn't water the garden yet, just in case.  It's a beautiful 71° outside right now, so I'm not too worried.  

The pups are taking full advantage of the cool weather and running around like crazy.  Chasing leaves that are falling because of the heat, butterflies and imaginary sounds.  They have been at it for over an hour now, nap time is going to hit hard. They've only stopped for come inside for a quick drink of water and a touch of kibble. Playing in the cool weather is much more to their liking this morning, they have lots of stored up energy to burn off since yesterday was sort of blistery hot during the day. 

I was going to sit in the garden to write this morning, but it's a touch too noisy for me to be able to concentrate.  I guess one of the neighbors is having a deck built or repaired or something, and the crew working on it definitely got an early start.  Around 6:15 this morning you could hear the sounds of saws and various power tools.  I get it, I'm definitely not mad at them at all.  When it's as hot as it's been by mid-day, you are much smarter if you start early and break in the middle when the heat is high and uncompromising. 

When I lived in Crete, that is how life moved.  The days started super early, and slowed dramatically from around noon to three. During the heat of the day the shops closed, the men headed to the little cafe's and sat outside talking and playing games.  I don't remember what the women were doing, I just know that around 3 pm we would walk down the hill to the bakery and bought fresh bread for dinner most days.  I remember you could smell it baking throughout the village.  The men worked outdoors, they were farmers and fisherman primarily in the small village I lived in, they needed that moment in the shade.  They would get back to work in the late afternoon and work until evening when it became cool and welcoming once again. 

Hubs and I were drinking our coffee this morning and chatting about my inability to remember the day of the week.  He mentioned that he was a bit jealous of the fact, one bit of discussion led to another and had us wondering why the work day model was ever developed or accepted over all.  It's so unnatural. I work super hard, probably harder than I ever worked when I was employed in the traditional sense.  My days are often long and filled to capacity. I definitely do not follow the Monday - Friday grind.  I work when I have things to do. I rest when I am worn.  Sometimes that means I do absolutely nothing in the middle of the week, and sometimes I am busy as all get out the entire weekend long.  I think the reason that I don't remember the days is because Monday is no longer a day for me to dread and Friday is no longer a long awaited moment of release. 

They are now simply moments of time when the sun is up or down. Somehow we were all convinced to become slaves to a system that doesn't benefit us.  Our children have their natural sleep cycles disrupted to go to sit in schools for hours on end.  Not really learning how to think, it's more being taught what to think.  Long gone are the days where education was for their collective benefit.  They grow up being convinced that the only way to be successful in life is to trade off those five days a week in exchange for the two that you get to semi-claim as your own. And even those lines are becoming far more blurry than before. 

I saw a meme this morning that struck a serious nerve in my heart this morning.  It had a picture of chickens at the top and said "free range animals", at the bottom was a picture of a busy pedestrian street, packed solid with people that said "free range slaves".  Ironically, my daughter made a comment the other day that was basically along the same lines.

We've been so programmed to think of slavery in a single way that I fear we have over looked what is truly going on.  We punch time clocks and do what is required to earn dollars that are taxed at a ridiculously high rate and then we pay more taxes on everything we buy with those few remaining dollars. We end up trading our lives to support what is basically a slave system.  We don't benefit.  We toil. And thank the very people that enslave us.  We have slowly become people that have to be consumers because we have forgotten how to be our own creators.  It has been taken away from us. 

There was a time you built your own home, grew your own food, made your own household goods.  There was a time those skills existed for all of us, gratefully and willingly passed down to the generations that followed. You learned trades, you farmed the land, you might be a shop keeper, of even a healer.  But slowly the trades narrowed as we no longer made things, the farmers had to fight to stay a small farmer or else become part of the huge agricultural complex, those mom and pop shops got gobbled up and spit out by the mega shops that were buying cheap crap from other countries and selling it to us for even less. Finally, healers became part of big Pharma and stopped healing and started treating symptoms of the greater ill, because there is no money in healing. 

Slowly we became conditioned to march in lockstep.  To stop seeing what wasn't working and moving towards accepting it.  At least that is how it feels from my personal place in the world now.  When we don't do what is wanted, there are punishments.  Higher prices, lack of things we have forgotten how to make, things become unavailable or worse illegal, even being controlled by a credit score that impacts everything in your life.  We are forced into compliance, maybe without physical whips and chains.  But the punishments are there just the same. 

all the girls together

Last night we gathered with family and friends, we laughed, we talked, we had fun.  Most of us stayed up way past our bedtimes.  Today I am feeling the effects.  Today I am super weary.  I want to snuggle up with my pups and sleep for a few more hours, I'm tired.  Five hours of sleep was simply not enough. I won't take a nap, I would feel far too guilty if I did.  Knowing that my family and friends that gathered last night to celebrate are struggling through a day where they cannot rest, I'm still caught in that mindset.  If they can't, I won't. But it will definitely be a very early night tonight. 

I know I go down some strange paths... these are just my crazy thoughts and my questions... 

much to do...

Hello Monday morning!  I know I will lose track of the days before long this week, but I always recognize you.  Hubs was rushing around to get to his meeting, so it signals the end of the long lazy days of the weekend.  Well, slower days, maybe not lazy. 

Anyone else get rain?  Lots of rain yesterday?  We did, it was such a blessing.  The only plant I need to water is the pickling cukes, their pot is shoved a bit under the eaves and they don't benefit as much from the rain, unless it is a brutal storm.  It was so calming and peaceful to listen to the rain falling. I spent the day leisurely working on processing all the yummy goodness from the market.  At a nice slow, relaxing speed. It was wonderful.  

I could have probably gotten more done, but honestly, I was enjoying the pace.  Hubs was watching a movie yesterday morning, I wasn't overly interested, but enough that it was a nice distraction, so I pulled out the bag of purple hulled peas and started shucking while watching it with him.  It was definitely an interesting task to the pups, as they kept trying to help. 

There are two different kinds of pickles aging for the littlest grand to pick from, plus a few bread and butter pickles for the Hubs.  I harvested all of the jalapeno's that were ripe and ready to use and now have 7 pints of them.  It was a very productive day as I walked in and out of the rain harvesting the goodies I'm growing. 

I have a huge roaster of tomatoes simmering right now, in just a bit I will start doing the final things to make it into a rich, thick tomato sauce.  This batch is for my friends, they both work far too many hours to have time, so we worked a barter and I am almost finished. I love doing the creating and canning and they get to enjoy the fresh tastes, seems like a win/win to me.  After completing both of our batches of tomato sauce, I am going to get busy with the blackberry jam and other things on my wish list. 

My girls finally tried their burrito in a jar, I think the greatest compliment ever was when the oldest grand told me she didn't know what it was that she was eating, but "you made it and it's delicious".  Told my daughter that I would get more of it made up.  It's perfect for when you want a great dinner and don't want to cook. I get it. 

Last night Hubs and I went to the grocery store.  We didn't have a huge list, just a few things that I haven't gotten around to doing for us, or that I am unable to do for us.  We used one of those little carts, ya know the smaller ones that hold next to nothing?  I have to admit that I almost fainted when the bill came out to $429.  We didn't buy any junk - ok maybe one guilty pleasure Coke Zero (definitely not healthy, but it makes a mean Jack and Coke for "those days") but that was $12, about $120 of it was a combination of things for the pups and non-grocery items.  The rest was food items.  Dried beans, nuts, some meats, cheeses, eggs, etc... I didn't buy any thing processed, no sugars or flours.  Although the prices on some of those items was making me ill. 

This backed right up against the email from Ameren telling me that even though I am keeping the temperature higher and we are unplugging or turning off lights like crazy... my bill was a full $100 more for the month of July than it was a year ago.  Even though temperatures were similar, I was not being cautious with cooling - yes that thermostat was set at 67° all summer long.  And we were not even remotely being cautious.  

Those two things together, really struck me hard in the common sense department. When are we going to wake up and realize something is very, very wrong in this country? Heck on a global scale? I took a picture of the cart and showed it to my daughter, asking her how much she thought that had cost.  She guessed about $600, based on her last grocery shopping trip. 

How is that even normal?  How is that even truly a thing, that folks are forking out hundred's more in grocery bills than just a year ago?  How high is it okay to go? Hubs has a steak/burger seasoning that he is nuts about.  When I first bought it for him, it was $5 for a 5 oz jar.  Last night, the same seasoning was $9.99 on sale.  The jar isn't any bigger.  We bought it, but I am going to work on replicating it or coming up with something better.  It was insane.  I'm not so sure I am even remotely buying the 9.1% inflation.  

I truly understand that most folks don't have time to do some of the things that I spend my time doing.  Hubs and I have looked at things very critically from a financial aspect.  He is forever reminding me that the things I am enjoying doing, are actually allowing us to live more comfortably than we lived when I worked a stupid amount of hours per week. I wonder if other families are discovering that also?  Is that one of the reasons that there is a shortage of workers?  

I mean if even one parent per household chose to stay home and not reengage in the work place.  Think about their savings, and I am basing it off of our experience. If they have young kids, there goes a huge expense when you are no longer paying child care, we don't so that wasn't an issue. I know what my daughter pays for part time child care and it is insane, I never made that much money a week per child when I ran my own daycare.  

Add into that the fact that most people do not live within walking, or even biking distance, from their place of employment.  Yes, I know gas is down about seventy cents a gallon, but I truly do not believe that will last based on comments from our global leaders. I do know that filling up a vehicle for Hubs to go to work and run all over for work, is costing us a much larger percentage of our disposable income.  I can't image paying to fill two vehicles weekly. 

Next consider things like work clothing and necessities.  Before moving on to food.  I know when I worked full time, we spent a great deal of time eating out.  It was a method of self-defense, as well as self-destruction.  Our entire country is wrapped up in the grip of it, at least for now.  I was too worn out before to want to come home and cook.  It was already stupid high for two of us over a year ago, I can't even imagine what it would be to feed a family like that today.  We joined friends for a dinner out last week, I couldn't believe that the meal with tip was over $60.  It wasn't even a fancy restaurant, just our favorite little hole in the wall Mexican place. 

I know I am off on a tangent, or maybe a rant here.  But I really feel we need to start paying attention.  Everything is going up except wages.  Folks are asking for more and more in the way of salaries when looking for jobs, because they realize the money they were making isn't cutting it.  

Driving through our neighborhood yesterday we were shocked to see two houses still on the market.  We live in subdivision where houses are usually sold before the for sale sign goes up, so having two of the smaller ones (usually bought up the fastest) still on the market over a month later is shocking.  Now I don't know what they are asking for them, I haven't checked.  I mean the fact that one of the small ones on the corner traditionally a $180k - $250k house sold for at least $380k a few months back makes me wonder if they aren't priced the same.  I don't know.  What I do know, is two beautiful little homes are sitting empty over a month later. Definitely an interesting sign of the times. 

I can't change any of it, well at least on a global or even local scale.  I can work to minimize it's impact on Hubs and I.  I can help my girls.  I can take care of the resources we have and put them to the best use possible. Other than that... I can pray and hope the impact of this insanity doesn't destroy too many people and families that aren't paying attention yet.  

I feel there is an ominous cloud out there... and I don't think it is going to get better overnight.  But I am praying that I am wrong.... 

Well, my little suburban homestead is reminding me that it needs care and attention.  The laundry is calling out for attention, the harvested items need putting up and many day to day things need my attention.  Hopefully, I will find out when the thread will arrive to finish the quilt that is on my long arm and I have several sewing projects to complete this week.  Much to do, time to get cracking... 

love and prayers for all....

helping hands...

I woke up this morning to the loud crash of the tree outside slamming against the chimney cap.  I could hear the winds whipping and roaring.  As I lay in bed I was praying for my little treetop garden. Its light enough for me to have checked on it.  It isn't pretty.  I'm not sure the amount of damage done yet, fairly sure I've lost at least one tomato plant and the green beans are taking a beating also.  Almost everything is literally lying on it's side. I must say it is very disheartening to wake up to that.  I've worked so hard on my little garden.  Once the wind and rain stop, I will go out and see if I can salvage anymore of it.  Right now, it's a sad mess. 

After a week of hot temperatures in rolls a wild and crazy thunderstorm.  I had expected it to a degree, the forecast had called for it, that doesn't mean it is something to celebrate.  I am very thankful that so far it hasn't brought hail or a tornado with it.  

Definitely shows you how fragile the balance is when you are trying to be more self-sufficient.  I do not expect my little treetop garden to provide all of our needs, not even close.  But it feels like a small promise of hope as prices escalate to the point that you really have to question every purchase. If I had expected that garden to provide our nourishment, I would be crushed right now.  

I am hoping that most of the plants in the boxes surrounding my deck are strong enough to bend as the old country song says.  I will find out in a few hours. Planter boxes do not provide a great deal of root depth, so it is always a gamble. I long to be able to plant a true garden again, but sadly my property simply doesn't provide that opportunity.

I hadn't planned to write about this today, in fact I didn't know what I was going to write about (that is pretty much how it goes on any day).  This sudden storm definitely drives home so much of where my head and heart are at right now. 

Last night we drove over to our friends house, the ones that were going to can with me yesterday.  Life happened and there was an emergency, so it got delayed.  I didn't want their preparations to go to waste, so I offered to come pick up and get it done today.  We swap serves for one another and they will smoke some meats for us. It was almost dusk when we got there and all of us had a small giggle when we thought about how it must look like we were doing our own drug exchange in the street.  They live in the city, drug deals are not that uncommon.   I had picked some things up for them while in Arkansas, so there was even a cash exchange. We haha'd it off we continued to chat, enjoying visiting for a few moments in the sweltering humidity.

It wasn't until we were heading home that the truth to that small joke really hit me.  And then I simply couldn't stop laughing.  Not so much in the fact that it was funny, it wasn't, it was actually semi-terrifying. In the not too distant future that could be what happens. People meeting in alley's to exchange food items, like some backyard black market. Will they bring their armed guards like some cheesy Mad Max movie?  Or maybe it will be like all of the bootleg movies, smuggling in tomatoes or a pork chop.  Is that the future that we are looking at?  Is that the path that we are sliding down?  I felt a sense of hysteria accompanied the laughter.  I could see it as clear as day in my minds eye, it felt ugly.  

Everyday I pray that things will become "normal" again.  And by normal, I mean I would love for people to have the things they need and want without fear of the costs.  I was stunned when I reached for the brand of heavy cream that we buy, it was over $10 for a quart.  I used to be upset when it was pushing $5.  Needless to say, I didn't get the preferred item.  I bought the generic one.  Oddly, it seems the things going up the most are the healthier items.  Unhealthy stuff still seems to be a bargain. Wonder why?  But then that dollar menu crap was always less expensive than a salad.... go figure. 

The storm outside is still raging, lightning bolts keep shooting across the sky, rapidly followed by thunder that you can actually feel. According to the news that Hubs is listening to it is leaving the area.  According to what is outside the window... well... it had better be hustling.  There are pictures of huge trees coming down on homes and cars, I guess I shouldn't be so upset over a few tomato plants, there is always a silver lining. 

I am still looking for the silver lining that is waiting for us in the midst of the storm this world is going through.  Are we close to the eye of the storm?  Or even better are we going through the back side of it?  While working yesterday, I heard of several mid-west states dealing with power outages - the grid can't handle the excessive heat. Yellowstone National Park is pretty much destroyed due to flooding.  Odessa, Texas was without water for at least 2 or 3 days and are still struggling to get it back.  The pacific northwest is cold and wet, more so than usual.  There are fires raging in the south, destroying homes and land. What in the world is going on?  I belong to groups made up of everyday people all over the world, these "unique" happenings are not just here in our country.  They are global. And that is just a tiny snapshot of the things that are going on all around us.  

The puppies have a new friend

He wants to play with the deer

A long time ago, I was watching a show - and the host said, there will come a time when the only way we can affect change is at the most immediate level.  He was referring to our families and our immediate community.  It stuck with me.  It seems almost prophetic at this point.  

I have a dear friend in Florida, that continues to post the most awesome updates on his time spent with another friend from high school that is battling cancer, literally fighting for his life.  The most recent picture of a pizza box and the smile gave me hope.  Filled me with joy for all that it represents.  My friend has a family, with younger children, but still makes the time to lift his lifelong friend up, to be there and make sure that he knows he is surrounded with love and hope.  I started to say find's time, but the truth is, when things are important you don't find time, you make time. They are living proof of doing what you can to affect change. 

I am blessed to be surrounded by people from all walks of life, that have a depth of beliefs, thoughts and feelings.  Some are youngsters, some are older, there isn't a standard to anything at all about my tribe.  Other than the people I surround myself with are all people that go above and beyond to lift those around them up.  My friends span countries, live immensely different lifestyles.  I am so absolutely amazed at the wonderful people this life has put in my path. I am in awe of their willingness to step into voids and to lift those around them. 

Just like my friend yesterday, when she called to let me know of the emergency.  I could hear in her voice that she was tired.  Yet there she was rushing to help someone in need.  Yes, it is what she does for a living, but this was an above and beyond situation and she never hesitated. 

I am thankful that life has afforded me the ability to play the supporting role to my family and friends.  Today as I take care of helping my friends, my heart will be full.  It is a blessing that I am thankful for. 

I believe the current quote from Mr. Rogers, is to look for the helpers.... I want to always be that helper, because what I have discovered is that when you are the helper, so very many helpers are there for you.  Isn't that how life is supposed to come together?  Aren't we supposed to work together to life one another up?

monitoring life...

It's well past that 6:45 end of the storm, and it is still raging out of control.  It's time to fix the Hubs some breakfast, warm up my coffee and start the day.  I need to gather the jellies and jams that I am trading for some mason jars, I definitely wasn't going to miss an opportunity like that. Yep, it's time to start the day officially...

Try to be the helper... take time to lift up someone and bring some light into this world...

love and peace...