This morning as I rushed up and down several sets of stairs barely touching the handrail it occurred to me that it had been almost a decade since that was something I could easily handle. Something that didn't make me a bit ill to even consider doing. I just moved on like nothing.
I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about things related to my surgery. But mostly about the fact that fear holds us back far too often and for unreasonable reasons. I've had to push through a lot of fear this week. And honestly it really infuriated me.
Over the weekend I came down with a cold. I know shocking right? I mean with everything going on in the medical field I sort of thought the good old fashioned summer cold had disappeared. I felt like crud for a couple of days, ya know the low grade fever, stuffy head, aches... wait isn't that a line from one of the medicines? Anyhow, yes I do tend to be sarcastic. Monday it started causing me to cough and that was when the fear arrived.
Having had a rough bout of pneumonia just about a year and a half ago and with all the fear porn that surrounded it, I went to a super dark place in my head... I did not want to go through that again. The struggling to breathe, the inability to put together coherent thoughts, the fear. Nope, no thank you.
Luckily, I'm a bit stubborn, willful and bull-headed - your good old fashioned witch (you can start that with a "b"). I wasn't going there. I refused to be sick. I refused to give into the fear. I drank my OJ and elderberry teas, I took healthy doses of vitamins and zinc, I drank so much water I think the cold left for fear of drowning. I moved my body, I kept living my life, just slowly. For basically two and a half days I struggled hard.
Then I said enough. I slept when I needed to, but I didn't linger in bed. I refused to listen to any negative thoughts or fears. I got mad. Yesterday, I did my life. Sure I still sounded nasally, my head was still stuffed and I might need to buy stock in Puffs, but I did my life.
Today, I'm breathing great, I am full of energy - much like yesterday except the breathing part - ready to live my best life. I spent lots of time out in the sunshine soaking up vitamin D over the past few days and I did a lot of work unwinding the fear that has been programmed into us for over two years now. I was furious at myself for sliding into that web of deceit.
Colds have been around forever, ya know, viruses and bacteria. There was a time we didn't freak out. Summer colds happened, they got passed around like yesterday's news. Everyone knew someone that had it or was just getting over it and you didn't lose your mind. It was just something that you got, you knew that the next 3 - 10 days were gonna suck and you moved on. Everyone on the planet has had a 24 hour bug.
I was being a bit of a brat and whining to my sister stating that I wished we could simply go back to a simple cold instead of folks loosing their minds wanting you to shove a stick up your nose etc., it made me so sad when she said I don't think we are ever going to be able to go back to that time.
Back to when we still believed in things like herd immunity, back when mom's would deliberately put their children in the room with other children when they had chicken pox, because the sooner they caught it, the better. Back when you heard people say "oh I've already had that cold, no worries" or the flu or... when it was normal everyday conversation to say oh looks like there's a bug going around this family or that had it, or it's going through work, or it's going through school or the neighborhood or church. Oh to go back.
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| Puppy kisses are the cure for everything |
I know at least 5 folks that have had this cold. I was in contact with several without realizing it, my sweet Hubs is currently up in bed letting his body work through it now. I am sure many others will have it before it goes away. It doesn't need to involve fear.
I know I'm focusing a lot on the cold, but that isn't what I am trying to draw my thoughts to, I almost didn't have my knee replaced out of fear. So many people talked me out of it, had horrible outcomes, doctors wanted to wait (mostly because insurance companies wanted to wait), I was too young, it wasn't that bad... the list goes on.
I almost backed out. There was a nightmare of a challenge with my insurance and it almost had to be postponed. I almost let the fear win. Because if it had been postponed, I know that I would not have gone through with it. I was terrified! Frozen with fear to be exact. I had faith in my surgeon and that was pretty much the only reason I went through with it. But, I was tired of only living a portion of my life, of not being able to fully experience the world around me, of always making decisions based on what my knee could handle.
A year ago, I could barely walk, the pain was incredibly severe and while compensating for the damage to the left, I was rapidly destroying the right knee. In fact going into surgery I had been warned that I would probably need the other one done within the year. Fast forward... I have run, skipped, hiked, I can chase my puppies and grand babies, I live my life fully. Waiting was the biggest regret, as I can never get that time I spent suffering back. But... I am thankful. I am fairly positive that I will never end up replacing the right now, because it doesn't have that unfair burden damaging it.
I think about a lot of things that fear has prevented me from doing. I wonder how many of us have been too afraid to walk away from that miserable job and follow a passion that is burning inside? Or that relationship that isn't going anywhere, out of fear of being alone. Maybe taking a solo trip to experience your comfort of getting to know and rely on yourself? How many followed an education path that would "make money" but didn't light a fire of desire to learn inside?
I'm still deeply on this path of discovery, following my heart and learning to push the fear aside and simply experience life. It is so rewarding, so affirming. I hate that forever we have been programmed by fear. We might never succeed to our fullest potential because we are all afraid of failure, we are afraid of illness, of being alone, of not having enough money, of other's opinions and thoughts, we are taught almost from the beginning of our lives here on this planet to be in fear. And the cycle just keeps on going.
At some point, we need to stop it. We need to be okay with making our personal mantra "plot twist" and moving forward. I'm sitting here this morning celebrating the one year birthday of my knee and the wonderful blessings it has brought. I'm also working on setting my intentions for my next trip around the sun which will start tomorrow morning at 4:01 am. I have been working for over a year now on letting go, on being okay with the plot twists, of flowing in this lifetime and letting that flow guide me and my journey, and most importantly... moving away from fear.
I don't know where my journey leads, but I am really loving the path I am following. For the first time in my life I truly feel that I am doing and being what I came here to do. It's a great feeling...
love and peace
Good one! 381+
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