ordinary days...

As the sun broke the horizon this morning Hubs thought we should take our babies to their favorite spot to run and play. My half awake self, took a final sip of my still pipping hot coffee and got in the car.  I can't say I was excited, I wasn't really awake.  But off we went.  Two tails wagging, two smiling puppy faces peaking out the windows, wind blowing their ears.  How could I possibly say no?

Besides, we needed to run over to Tilted Heads to pick up their new collars, I never did get by there yesterday.  As we pulled into the park they were losing their little minds, it's been too hot, we haven't taken them to run and play. It was mild this morning, cool enough, the sun was still tucked a bit below the trees so it was comfortable. 

As they ran like crazy, Belle chasing her flying disk to the point of exhaustion.  Beau his usual happy go lucky self, trotting around smelling the smells and chasing flying bugs. Me... well, I happened upon a huge patch of beautiful plantain.  My dehydrator had just stopped before we left, I knew I had room for another batch.  I love having a husband that walks back to the car to find a bag, never blinking an eye as I gather handfuls of beautiful, strong, fresh plantain.  Knowing that it will make the incredible salve that keeps his skin healthy and healed. He didn't roll his eyes, he didn't blink.  He understood.  

The pups played until they had no energy left and we headed out, the sun still not breaking the treetops, the softness of the morning, still enjoyable.  After stopping for their beautiful new collars and a fresh loaf of sourdough focaccia to add to dinner, we popped over to our favorite coffee shop for a hot cup of heaven.  I completely love the mom and pop's.  The families that are working hard to create a life they can be proud of at the end of each day.  I will always try to support them. 

Looking Sassy!

Mr. Debonair 

thank you Tilted Heads!

While at Rosemary Coffee Co. they had a huge wall hanging, unfortunately not for sale (although both shops have a plethora of items by local artisans for sale in the shops), that I desperately want.  It was a huge botanical ink drawing that said "weeds are simply flowers you haven't met yet".  I want that!  Well realistically, yes I want it, but I live in a home with limited full walls.  There is no place to hang it, so I will just enjoy the thought.  I was going to take a picture of it, just to cherish it, but I'd left my phone in the car with Hubs. 

plantain

dried plantain, not quite enough 

It's only the start of the day, but the plantain is dehydrating, the yard and garden are watered, the beef hearts are cut up and freezing, and the day is so incredibly hot the remainder of it will be spent inside. In the coolness, lights dimmed, fans circulating the cooled air.  

Hubs is engrossed in his movie, the intensity of it is too much for me today.  I can hear it, it sounds like it is one I would love, but not today.  Today, I feel a bit emotionally weary, no idea why.  And I can't watch a movie that will pull more of my emotions into play. 

I am heading up to sew, to work on that to do list.  To lose myself in creating.  I want to do a bit of wood working, but it is simply too hot to be in the garage, so fabric will do.  Next weekend will be much cooler, wood working can happen then. 

I am also deep in studying the healing properties of DMSO and the incredible powers of many of the items in my garden and yard. I have several tinctures that I am learning about now and will probably get started on very soon.  I have a deep distrust of so much in the world these days. Profound even.  For me the answers lie in the past, in knowledge that has been memory holed and forgotten.  So I will probably carve out more time to read my current book and learn more. 

The deer didn't eat it!
The smell is heavenly!

How are you spending your Saturday?  Lounging inside, outside in the heat, working, living, doing?  I can't just linger, I get stressed just sitting.  I feel a deep sense of unease when I do.  I need to be doing, even when in nature, I don't pause well.  Today is no exception. The knowing that I just committed to craft show next month is also driving me.  

much love, b

getting lost...

The fire is gently crackling, sweet Hubs built me a beautiful one to enjoy on this cold and rainy morning.  Or maybe he built it for the pups, not sure, but thankful just the same.  I'm a bit behind my normal schedule this morning because I decided to sit and enjoy it and do some of the stitching on the quilt.  I'm almost finished with it.  Just need to finish attaching the binding, I decided to do it by hand, it simply looks so much prettier. 

The silence and the fire feel calming to my soul today.  I decided to take a short nap yesterday and paid dearly for it last night.  I couldn't get to sleep, so we start another day feeling less than rested because of it. I don't care how sleepy I get today, I am definitely not giving in.  That was far too many hours to read and lay in silence with nothing but my thoughts. 

My thoughts have been pretty deep and definitely not a sunshine playground lately. Wandering through them in the darkness of night is a touch too much.  Instead, I ultimately tried to loose myself in meditation instead.  It's hard sometimes to simply close off your thoughts and focus on nothing.  I've been struggling a lot with it lately, which probably means that I need to spend more time doing just that. 

I have never been consistent at simply stopping, and working on clearing my mind.  I can lose myself in a guided meditation, but then wonder when I am done if that was what I needed or simply what I picked.  It's scary to me to release myself to wherever the meditation wants me to go.  Digging around into things that probably need healing is a touch unnerving. The what if's start to rage and rant.  What if I have to face something about myself that I am not ready to heal?  What if it opens up wounds that are long since buried? 

Laying in the darkness last night, not able to sleep, I definitely worked to clear my thoughts. Lately,  I have felt drawn more intensely to my own spirituality and the need for meditation, or rather feeling the lack of practicing both.  I've felt pulled back into making time for the peace and beauty in these things. 

Before the puppies and also before my knee surgery, I would silence myself and meditate every day.  I would light a candle, put on either a guided meditation or simply listen to someone playing crystal bowls while I closed my eyes and simply lost my ego self in the solitude. I can remember Neeko sneaking up on me and planting a big wet kiss while I was lost in that space in time.  

I haven't been good at practicing for a while.  My mind got wrapped up in the fact that I am still not able to sit lotus style (like that is a critical point?? Seriously??) I mean, my yoga pillow is still in the truck as I learned it was the perfect height to rest my leg on when traveling.  I had too much rattling around in my head, sitting quietly had become uncomfortable, not the sweet haven it was during some of my most restless times. Losing myself and simply being was not something I would allow for the past few months. 

Ironically, I drew my card this morning and it basically scolded me for not following "my temple path". I used to take long solitary walks in the Botanical Gardens - it's been two years since I did that. I used to keep the first 30 - 45 minutes of my day sacred for mediation and energy work. I used to refuse to pick up my phone during that time, unwilling to allow my electronic leash to engage me and bring negativity into my space. 

As I have been recovering my body, I have been neglecting my inner self.  Anyone else find they do that?  

I've noticed over the past few weeks that I have been finding quiet time when the babies are sleeping that I am tuning this 3D world out.  I am focusing on that vast nothingness that brings peace.  I am feeling drawn into needing that space more and more.  

I didn't light a candle this morning, instead I sat in extreme silence.  The pups were sleeping on my bed and I definitely did not want to disturb them.  Hubs was outside taking care of the trash and doing Hubs stuff.  So I sat in silence, I thought about what my card was telling me, I thought about the readers that I have seen over the past year.  Each of them encouraging me to spend more time in meditation. 

For over 9 months I have been on a physical journey, all of my energy and focus has been poured into that.  I have focused deeply on ingraining healthy eating habits, on being mindful of what I consume and giving thanks for it.  I have tried (often unsuccessfully) to drink enough water on a daily basis during that time.  I have intensely focused on recovering from my knee replacement, pushing my physical limits and healing my body. 

I feel like I am doing fairly well in that area, still work that needs to happen, but it feels like it is under control. Now it feels like I am ready to add back in a daily meditation practice.  A conscious effort to calm my inner self and to focus on the higher good.  It's time to be still. 

I find I spend more time that I want drifting back into scrolling through social media, I lose precious moments watching videos and snippets that people share.  And I feel dragged into it, mindlessly.  Then I question if that isn't the plan.  Last night I spent hours playing a mindless game on my phone.  I was tired, too tired to function was how I justified it to myself.  I'd seen snippets of the game on my phone for weeks and it lured me in, I love to work on mind puzzles.  So I downloaded it and started playing.  

I felt like it was actually controlling me.  For lack of a better way to explain the feeling, the sensation that lingered on the edges of time. I kept mentally saying I was closing my eyes and going to sleep and then I would complete a level and think "okay just one more level and I will".  At no point did it give me a sense of calmness or accomplishment, it just lingered there begging for more attention.  I've found this to happen more than a few times over the advent of all these electronic devices.  I no longer lose myself in books.  Or even in the physical act of playing a game of solitaire.  Yet hours can be stolen on nonsense. 

In the silence, while I sat stitching this morning, I felt those missing pieces.  I sat listening to the crackle, marveling at the tiny stitches (proud of myself for not being that rusty).  I didn't experience that empty feeling. I need more of that in my life. 

As you can see, my deeper thoughts are leading me to a better place as a human.  To being more fulfilled and having a stronger focus on things that are fulfilling.  I think that is where I find the joy in cooking, baking, gardening, creating (in whatever medium I decide that day) it's that deep sense of accomplishment.  Not only in the action of doing, but in the sense of being deeply engaged and part of the creation. 

Well... puppies are resting, my coffee is hot,  the fire is warm and crackling and I have a lot of tiny stitches to get put into this quilt.  It's time to sit and focus on the friends that I am making it for.  To put lots of love and good vibes into it so they will feel it when they sit beneath it on a similar cool and rainy day. 

love and peace... 

no rest for the weary...

What a busy morning.  Our sweet little boy decided he needed to potty at 4 am, and that was when the fun started today. Hubs is trying to steal some more sleep in the basement, and they finally crashed about 530ish.  I thought about going back to sleep, I truly did, but I was already on my second cup of coffee at that point.  So while they've slept, I made the crackers for tonight's' dinner. 

I can hear that sweet little boy stirring, sister is out like the world has moved on without her, so I am hoping he will snooze a bit longer.  I didn't get around to rearranging the living room like I had planned yesterday, so when they are awake there is absolutely zero rest.  

I'm tired, but I am absolutely loving these little bundles of energy.  They are bringing me joy I hadn't imagined.  Not to mention they are forcing me to move my knee - alot - two hours into the day and I haven't even left the house and already have over 1000 steps.  Rarely do I get a reminder to move anymore. I've got this covered. 

As we are rushing into the last days of the year, I am so thankful for this year.  I know it's an odd statement and it definitely might show a bit of insanity on my part, especially after the way this year has unfolded. So much has happened.  There have been so many things that could have been perceived as horrible or even stopping points.  Yet, they have simply been detours.  I feel like life is forcing me to go the way I was supposed to go. 

I guess if I had looked at all of those road blocks as something horrible, or tried to force myself back onto the path I was on I might view everything differently. I haven't tried to force anything this year.  I've tried to just be still and let things happen, tried to understand the reasoning behind it all and let myself stay peaceful. 

Some of it has been absolutely yuck, it has hurt my heart and made me cry in all honesty.  But as I stood in the kitchen this morning working on the crackers for dinner I felt such gratitude.  I treasure doing for my family and once again I can.  I can take puppies to see the youngest grand-daughter when she calls, I can make a last minute dinner for friends without being stressed.  I am living my life in a place of love, joy and acceptance.  

I am not fighting anything. Except my own human urge to control things.  That is the hardest part.  I am doing my best to understand everything and why it is happening the way it is, but I am also trying even harder to allow it all to happen the way that it is happening.

I struggle with the loses, but mine have been minor compared to others. Early in the year I had a reading in Paducah, I have the worst memory in the world, but I remember that reading.  I remember being told to focus on the flow, to accept things as they happen.  To remember and know that things would be okay, even when it felt like they wouldn't be okay. I was also told that I would either slow down on my own, or the universe would keep slowing me down. This was after I was so sick in January, I evidently didn't listen well, because I sure got slowed down even more. 

I needed to hear that message at that time, I needed to be ready. 

As we wrap up this year, I don't know that the me of a few years back would have been able to handle things.  I think I would have pushed and fought my way through to the forward I believed was for me.  The me that is looking forward to 2022, can see things a bit differently.  It's just a flipping of a calendar, a changing of a time construct made by man.  Things are going to continue the way they are meant to continue. I am focusing more on the seasons and the changes as nature intended them to be.  I am focusing on going with the flow. 

I was just listening to the news with Hubs and the "reporters" were saying that we shouldn't make new years resolutions because we simply won't be able to keep them.  I don't make them, but not for their reasons, in fact their reasons would only encourage me to succeed simply because they said I can't.  I sadly have to agree that focusing on happiness and mindfulness are much better for us.  Again, not for their reasons, but because it is important for our growth and happiness.  And that isn't something that one should wait on, on set a resolution to complete.  I despise the media.  

Well, my sweet babies are awake, chewing happily on their teethers and ready to rumble again - or at least Beau is, Belle is trying to convince him it's snuggle and sleeping time. Will I get to finish tasks or will I supervise the chaos?  Time will tell...  

love and peace...

hurry, hurry, rush, rush...

Snuggled up by a toasty fire, coffee laced with Buffalo Trace and the sounds of a productive morning.  That is my "status" this morning. Hubs brought some of my Christmas stuff up, and shortly I will start to make the house festive and load the presents under the tree.  But for now, for this moment in time, I am going to simply be. 

I'm definitely back in the mode of enjoying my little bubble, peopling was nice, but I am rapidly finding the quiet of home suits me just perfectly. I enjoy my small group of friends and family and my me time.  I am finding that more precious every year. 

Even with my plans to make it a slower holiday season, I am finding it crazy busy.  I keep looking at the stuff I want to do and feeling like instead of shrinking it is growing out of control. Luckily it is all fun stuff.  Things that fill my bucket and make me smile.  

Although I am finding that each time I am working on a project, my mind starts to wander to other projects and I become distracted. On Monday while I was quilting my friends quilt, my mind started to wander, it took everything in me to keep my quilting style a simple meander.  What was playing in my brain was definitely not a style that would have gone well with a t-shirt quilt.  But my brain was sure fussing at me.  I have about 5 quilts cued up for the beginning of the year, those feathers can wait. 

I've been buzzing around like a bee this morning, cleaning spaces, vacuuming, laundry and the like, darn good thing I live in a house and not an apartment, neighbors would not like me at all. I have been in such a busy mode that I am getting behind on my chores.  And I have company coming tomorrow.  Definitely time to spruce the place up.  Ironically, I know have time to be organized and I am still not organized.  I do believe it is not in my nature. 

Yesterday I delivered my friends' quilt to her, we were supposed to spend the day together tomorrow, but again Miss Organization failed and double booked the day, I knew it was a Christmas gift and didn't want to risk not getting it to her before I left town for a few days. I hope they like it, I am always a bit unsure when it comes to things I design using other peoples' belongings. That's just me. 

When I dropped it off, she surprised me and warmed my heart and frankly body with a handmade gift!!  I was so stunned.  I don't believe anyone has ever made me a scarf before, ever.  I love homemade gifts, they fill my heart to overflowing.  I was so very happy to receive such a thoughtful gift.  And I definitely think I rock it!  I mean it's in my favorite colors, black and shades of gray.  It will look stunning with my new hat and black pea coat.  Now all we need is cooler temps. 

And those don't seem to be in a hurry to get here at all.  It's supposed to be 70 today.  I'm already regretting my choice of sweats and a sweatshirt.  Although I do love sitting by my fire I may end up having to open a window and cool off.  Geez, Mother Nature is definitely having some serious issues this December.

I'm gonna be a bit sporadic in writing these next 10 days or so.  So much going on, gifts to finish and wrap, baking to do, a bit of travel and somewhere I need to find time to close my eyes and rest.  I am definitely a bit on the tired side, when I get behind I tend to not sleep well.  Shoot, I just looked beside my chair and add mailing my Christmas cards they are mostly all filled out and ready to go, just need stamps.  Oh my.  They are going to be New Years wishes if I don't get with it!

I hope that everyone is focusing on the important stuff in life.  That they are going inside themselves and looking to see what they need most in life and doing that.  I am!

love and peace...

random musings...

Should I?  That is the question racing through my mind right now.  

I had a delightful time playing with my Singer 99K yesterday.  It is an absolute dream to sew on and I finished the baby quilt top I was working on late last night.  In all honesty, the top probably took about 5 hours, and that included my definite struggle trying to decide what fabrics to use from my stash.  I wasn't about to buy new fabric when my cabinet is absolutely overflowing. 

I gave it a very quick oil yesterday, yet it still sounded a bit louder than I expected.  Of course inquiring minds need to know, and yep that is me.  I am quite mechanically inclined and I am definitely not afraid to tackle most anything.  As anyone that has read this for a while might remember... that whole ice maker thing with my fridge... I just need the right information and I will completely tear apart anything and put it back together. 

That being said, last night I woke up for some reason at 3 am.  I guess that is my wake up time when I am excited or engaged deeply in something, I simply couldn't fall back asleep, my mind was spinning.  It was not my fault that I opened my YouTube account and there staring me straight in the face was a series of videos about refurbishing vintage Singer sewing machines and their cases.  

My case is very rough, so that was the first thing I watched and I feel like Hubs and I together can definitely repair that baby and make it better than new.  I have a beautiful scroll saw that was simply made for that kind of work. Instead of making me tired, that video only inspired me to want to learn more.  Did I mention that I love learning new things?  

The next set of video's was geared to the Featherweight Singer 221 machines, and I don't know if I mentioned it yet, but... well... I might have bought one of those as well.  It should be arriving today. 

I can honestly admit that I have spent evidently the past two hours deeply engrossed in videos that show how to completely disassemble, clean, oil and service both the 99K and the 221.  Now my head is spinning and I am ready to engage the mechanical side of my brain.  Sweet Hubs might come home to find out I have disassembled my 99K. As much gunk that I have removed simply from the bobbin casing area tells me the rest of it hasn't been cleaned or dealt with in a very long time also. 

It is dangerous for me to have time to do the things I love.  What I find is one thing leads to another, which leads to another, which... yeah you get the idea. Yesterday was a day of chores for the most part. Paying bills, making appointments, grocery shopping, cooking.  It wasn't very creatively productive at all until about 4 pm, and then I almost forgot to make Hubs dinner, I was far too wrapped up in working on the baby quilt top and learning my new to me 99K.  

Heck, I even got Hubs working on it.  As I mentioned he is planning a project, and initially he proved me right when he said he was definitely using the Pfaff, now I get the feeling he is not so sure.  I understand.  These old machines are absolute gems. 

I didn't even manage to do much work in the treetop garden, except watering it and harvesting some lettuce and a few more of the radishes (they are almost done for the season) for our dinner salad.  I need to weed a few of the boxes - birds keep planting their seeds - guess they don't feel I am keeping the feeders full enough - or they want something fresher.  I also need to get the basil planted before I kill this batch also.  

I simply do not know how anyone could have ever told me I would be bored being home. Truthfully, I am so busy it isn't even funny.  And I love it!  

I love that in the middle of the day when my girl stopped by to drop off some pavers, we are going to eventually use on our hill, I could stop and sit out in the sun and chat with her. She is quite a hustler and her time comes in small doses in between projects and jobs. As much as I hate the summer heat, sitting out front in the sunshine and chatting was incredible. 

I simply do not understand how anyone could get bored or not have enough to do in their own homes.  On the flip side, I mourn at the amount I didn't get done when I worked.  Armed with a cup of coffee (or glass of ice water) I can keep myself entertained and deeply engaged in stuff all day and then some.  In fact, I think my brain not shutting off at night is partly due to the fact that I simply don't have time to explore everything I want to during the day. 

I feel our world is changing. I see so many help wanted signs, everywhere I go they are desperate for more workers.  Part of my brain believes it is the crazy stimulus stuff that happened in the past year.  And I definitely believed that firmly a few months back.  Why work at a job that wasn't paying you a decent salary when you could stay home and make more. 

Now I am wondering.  

Is it that they are making more on stimulus?  Or is it because once you are exposed to the freedom of exploring things that fill your soul on a deep level. Once you have time to enjoy your family and participate in the day to day.  Once you can follow your dreams and imagination. Once you are exposed to all of that, do you have a taste or willingness for the mundane?

Is that 8 - 5 job worth the losses of new found freedom's and ways to express ones self?  A lot of the people that were doing those jobs took that time to explore their passions.  To figure out what they really wanted out of life. And maybe those passions don't align with making a burger or working somewhere that they didn't feel respected and appreciated. Where the exchange of their life, those precious waking hours, were not being cherished. 

I have had many jobs in my lifetime.  A few I would do again in a heartbeat, they filled my passions and fueled my soul.  That number is very low.  Most careers are not people's passions.  Most people fall into a job because they have bills to pay, need medical, etc.  

I wonder if more and more people haven't spent this time over the past year or so, processing the same thoughts and ideas.  If they were temporarily laid off when the world closed, did they experience a feeling of loss of value and stunned shock?  Of being tossed aside, even though they could understand it on a higher level, what did their heart feel?  I know when I was afraid of being one of the ones let go to save money, I understood, but I felt devalued.  Then when we were not laid off, it was a completely opposite feeling.  I have chatted with a few of my friends that worked through the "pandemic" and it brought about a feeling of disregard.  As if we were disposable and didn't need to be protected from the pandemic. 

Speaking with friends that were laid off, I hear almost remorse that they were called back.  Some found other careers in areas that filled their purpose, that gave them time to have a life.  People started doing things differently and found that they were happier. 

I personally don't think that taking away the stimulus and extra's is going to flood the job market with more employees than they know what to do with.  I think many people have found other ways to take care of themselves and their families.  That they have discovered ways to fully explore the world around them, to engage with others for the same things that they had before, but in a different way. 

I am wondering if employers will ultimately realize that when the world was shut off seemingly overnight, it signaled a bigger change in the world than anyone expected. Maybe it was the start of a global shift in a way that wasn't anticipated. I have my own thoughts and beliefs on the whole scenario and I don't believe that the plan was to shift the world into a kinder and gentler way of living.  I do believe it was meant to fracture us, to keep us separated and estranged from one another.  

Oddly, I feel strongly a very different outcome is happening. Some are still separated by choice, but others are closer.  They are leaning into one another to learn to be more self-sufficient.  I marveled from a distance at the sour dough bread craze that happened at the start of the shutdowns.  I was still working full time, I didn't participate.  I thought is was an odd expression of where folks were, but I enjoyed watching people become more self-sufficient.  Gardens popped up, meals were prepared at home.  People were walking and riding bikes.  Kids were outside playing. Adults were out in their yards chatting to other adults. 

In the process of disconnecting us from everything, we started to reconnect to the root of our humanity.  Our need to be with one another, to help and serve one another.  

Are people just struggling with the call to return to a normal that benefited their companies and employers, with little regard to their need to be humans.  The need to be a productive part of a larger pack? The need and desire to truly be creative and connected?

Wow... I guess I needed to finally get those words out.  They have been simmering in my brain for a while now. It's all part of the process of karmic healing and it's generations old.  There is much healing that needs to happen.  If you are into astrology and listen to anything out there, you know we are in a period of time where much must be completely destroyed - it's too far gone to correct the course and continue forward.  

I think that there are many out there that have been reduced to ashes and now it is the time to rise like a Phoenix out of the ashes and live the lives we have always had the desire to live.  We just weren't willing or brave enough to light our own matches to burn it down.  Yet, as the flames cool and the winds shift, now they are rising!

I am finding so much that I thought I had lost of myself and my passions. I am sure other's are too.  These are miraculous times we are going through. 

So the question remains... should I?

the gift of time...

Dearest Mother Earth, thank you for the gift of this beautiful rainy autumn day. Thank you for the gift of stopping and slowing down.  Of doing the things that fill my heart and soul with love and joy.

This day has been just what I needed to soothe my weary soul.  When it is nice and sunny outside mentally I have to be "busy".  Running errands, accomplishing to do lists that seem all important.  Does the yard need work, do I need to go and do... I see a sunny day and my mind kicks into over drive.  I feel guilty wasting the beautiful day.

I originally woke at 3:30 am this morning.  Hubs and I are in an ongoing battle with our Nest thermostat.  We are very worn with it changing the temperature we set.  It seems to always want us warmer than we want to be. This morning, it woke me up over heated due to the fact that the heater we set at 67 before going to bed, somehow miraculously reset itself to 70 overnight.  After resetting it to 67, I decided to read, I didn't want to be up.  I have been doing far too much of that lately and it is wearing me down.

It wasn't raining as I lie there reading and trying to fight off that ever present to do list in my mind.  I was very aware that this is my only day off this week.  That there was much to accomplish or at least that is what I want to make myself believe, but I simply didn't want to be awake.

As the heater stopped pumping that warm air around me and I cooled down I felt the heavy presence of sleep beckoning me back.  Next thing I knew, it was 8:30 am and what woke me was the pounding of raindrops hitting the chimney top.  The wind whistling reassured me I wasn't dreaming.  I'd just mentally been gifted a day!

Still semi-asleep I navigated the stairs to the kitchen, in search of coffee.  I never get that much sleep and almost felt drugged from it. My sweet Hubs had just the cure, Lucy's and coffee... Yum! If it didn't wake me, it might put me back to nap time.

He joined me in the living room, hot coffee, windy rain, and a television show about the infancy stage of technology.  It was quite interesting.  I sat and mindlessly knit for a couple of hours, no guilt was present.  It felt so wonderful.  The yarn sliding through my fingers, the needles rhythmic clicking, the rain, the wind, the wind chimes sweetly moving. 

It was about an hour in, that I decided to relish and savor this gift of a day.  Groceries could wait, laundry... that too!  I was stealing this moment in time.

After our show was over and I'd switched to straight black coffee, I mean I wanted to enjoy the day not drift through it in a blur, I sat for a moment and pondered what I wanted this day to hold.  Hubs went upstairs for his morning nap, and I watched a few lessons.  Glancing up several times to watch the brilliant red orange tree outside my bay window doing some crazy swirling dance. 

For a moment my eyes rested on my neglected spinning wheel.  But my heart wasn't being pulled there, it would have to sit for a bit longer. As I got up to refill my coffee I walked past all the piles of soap making supplies that had arrived.  My favorite company has a large sale on kits, so I got the bonus of more molds and everything pre-measured.  As my gaze lingered a few more moments, I decided I might as well whip up a couple of batches of the melt and pour Cashmere that Hubs likes.  And that Galaxy Soap was definitely trying to get my attention.  Why not...

Oh wait... yep the linen that I had purchased to make dishtowels was calling out from my sewing room.  The soap was going to have to wait.  Full cup of coffee, phone to provide soothing music and I closed myself into my sewing room.  It's the first project I have worked on since cleaning it.  It was such a soothing experience to walk in, have everything at hand and simply start.  No clearing space, no digging through piles, simply a space and time to start. 

I will admit there was a moment of panic when I couldn't find a single measuring tape.  Not one.  And I have LOTS!  Opening my antique cabinet from Poland I quickly discovered the drawer that I had stashed them all and I was off and running.

I know that you can buy dishtowels super cheap - I get it.  I mourn that we have reached a point in our world where people just rush out to the store to purchase whatever is needed.  Where we are less self-sufficient and more wasteful of resources.  I long for days gone by, where there was a plan for things like that.  Where making a dishtowel was common place, a necessity to be able to accomplish chores.

It only took an hour to cut and sew the seams on the linen.  I knew they needed to be washed, dried and then ironed before they could be used. Supposedly, they will never need to be ironed again.  We will see.  They are also supposed to be super absorbent.  I'll do some dishes later to give that a test.

I ultimately decided to make a couple batches of the melt and pours.  They turned out very nice.  Hubs is already eyeballing the Galaxy with its soft violet scent, he is my official soap tester, he requires lots of lather and a good scent for it to pass his test.

Now the towels are done, oh yeah, I might have finished some other mending that had been waiting for my attention (I will always fix something if I can, I hate to through things out). The soaps are mostly out of the molds - these ones don't require sitting to cure - they are ready to roll.  I've done several lessons and sat and rested.

This gift of a day, has been exactly what I needed.  A chance to rest, relax and catch up.  Mother Earth knew what my heart and soul needed, this rain was supposed to be gone by ten.  Here it is after five and it's still raging on. 

In a moment Hubs and I will get dressed, we are going to stop by a Halloween party that my boss is throwing, we ended up missing it last year. After that... maybe I will do a few of those "chores", since I will already to be out and about.. That way tomorrow only involves me working on my lessons, a day for cooking and learning new skills...

We will see.

another week...

I slept through the alarm again.  And have been rushing like crazy ever since.  This cold is seriously kicking my bum. It is definitely a 10 - 14 day recovery.  Even taking medicine, which leads me to believe, or rather confirms my belief, that the medicine does nothing more than make some big pharma company a bit more money. As I am channeling my inner "Edith Ann" swinging my feet and saying "and that's the truthhhhh".

I don't really have the time to sit here, I should be jumping in the shower, getting ready to tackle another day.  Today, I need a slower start.  I have only been awake for an hour, and I've fixed breakfast, packed lunches, walked the dog and ironed Hub's clothes for the week.  Not bad.  But for a moment, I need to sit.  I need to drink my coffee and enjoy the silence of this cool Autumn morning. 

My back/hips are still hurting from the every uncomfortable bench I sat on at brunch yesterday.  Won't be making that mistake again.  They were not designed with comfort in mind.  They look welcoming, cozy and a place that beckons you to linger.  Reality they are angled like a mid-evil torture device.  I should have given in and soaked yesterday it might have helped loosen the muscles.  This stupid cold won yesterday and I didn't do much of anything at all!

I don't do well when challenged with illness. I do not have the patience and it is starting to show.  I know I am being cranky, I don't like things to slow my stride.  I will naturally slow it myself when I need rest, external (or in this case internal) forces are not needed.

Nothing on the want to do list really got accomplished.  Well sort of.  Hubs did get me the perfect knitting needles and I have a few beautiful inches of lace worked up.  It's a hand dyed skein of the most lovely shades of blue.  And for a change it is for me. He also snuck in a skein of beautiful blue alpaca yarn, I was eyeing it to make him a scarf - I think he would look wonderful in that color.  He thought I was looking at it for me, nope.  So once I finish mine, I feel I shall start on his.

Laundry is still semi-finished. No cooking class happened - I wasn't able to find a zucchini for my "cutting demo" - how does everyone run out of zucchini in the fall? The soaps are still just day dreams in my mind.  Yep... completely unproductive. 

Unless, like me you consider slowing down and connecting with family productive.  Hours spent with grands, a long leisurely swing in the girls backyard while the chili simmered on the stove.  Chats and emails, simply being.  Healing.

Hubs had to rush off to work today, lately 7:30 am is the "cool" time to have meetings.  I completely do not understand it, but hey... That's a bit brutal on a Monday morning, but I'm not judging.  Not at all.

As a result, I had the honor of taking the Neeko for his morning walk.  Bundled up in my favorite Harley jacket we strolled off in the early morning light.  The sun hadn't quite risen, and everything was a soft pink gray.  It was beautiful.  We got to see a beautiful white tailed deer.  Head held high bouncing across the road.  I love that we live close enough to the country to have critters and close enough to the city to be able to do things.  I could probably move a bit more "out"... but I also love living just up the hill from my favorite little people.

Mr. Neeks is really slowing down.  He's almost 15, unheard of for his breed.  Hubs and I both have been having a lot of Gator dreams, they seem so real.  It worries me. I am wondering if he's just trying to break it to us that soon he will meet Neeko at the Rainbow Bridge.  I know he's an extreme senior, but he is our last baby and I assure you I am not ready for that kind of silence in the house.

We've both been very guilty of spoiling him a bit more.  Buying his favorite snacks and taking longer walks.  Extra snuggles, why of course. I worry a bit more each day.  I am definitely not ready to pack away toys and beds.  Not yet, I wonder if I truly will ever be ready.  I am also not ready to lose all of them in the same year, so he needs to slow it down and bit and just enjoy being the only child.

I'm seeing the sun sneaking over the top of the trees.  That must mean it is about time to head upstairs and get ready for the day.  I might be dragging my feet a bit.  I have a presentation to finish building.  I hate giving presentations, so I am fairly sure somewhere deep in my subconscious I am telling myself if I don't finish it I won't have to present it.  Nope, I will have to present it on Thursday, whether I am ready or not. Better to be ready.

 I cannot understand why the weekend flies so quickly by, but it did... Have a great week!

grateful...

The smell of my wood fire is lingering in the air.  I love it! It's a right of passage for me, it reminds me that fall has arrived and that cooler weather is finally here.  I am not a warm weather person, at all, so this is just perfect for me.

This morning found us hurrying off before the sun was fully up in the sky.  Our oldest grand daughter was marching in a band event in one of our favorite small towns.  Perfect!  It was like all the stars had aligned, we were home, had nothing going on and she remembered to share the date and time.  Oh yeah and it was a cool, crisp fall morning. 

Heaven!

We left early to enjoy breakfast at our favorite coffee shop, The Washington Coffee Shop, and were delighted to find that one of the judges stands was within sight.  Hubs found the perfect spot for us to watch for our talented little band geek.  Our girl gave up trying to get closer and watched from slightly further down the road.  Hubs, with his inability to sit still spent most of the morning walking between her spot and ours and getting more coffee.  My sick self, sat quietly and waited.

It was such a great day to relax in my comfy folding chair, sipping on my River Fog Tea, an absolutely yummy combination of Earl Grey, Vanilla, Lavender and steamed soy milk. They were the second from the last band through, so I had plenty of time to rest.

We were going to go riding, but I was longing for some family time.  I don't get enough of it, ironically sweet Hubs gets more time with our girls than I do.  His job is more of a 40 hour traditional week than mine.  And with it being budget season and the start of Annual Campaign, my life gets a bit nuts.  Add a cold to that mix and I end up living through pictures of fun times that I am not part of.  It breaks my heart.

As a result of my need, thank you sweet Hubs, we spent the next few hours enjoying one of our farmers markets and the playground with the youngest.  She is such a little fire cracker and her joy of life is infectious.  I was laughing so much when she realized that gramma wasn't feeling good and asked me if I needed to go to the dentist.  She is so clever for a little two year old. When I told her my teeth were okay, I just had a cold, her quick reply was "oh, I see you need a doctor, do you want to go to the doctor?"

She is beyond precious.

As we wandered the farmers market, I was starting to be a bit hungry and of course doesn't it figure that Bombay Food Junkies wasn't there this week, and noticed the Syrian Refugees were selling date and nut plates.  It looked so refreshing and definitely healthy.  I decided it was going to be perfect, and what a great cause to support. I carefully put it in my basket, sitting at Little Bit's feet in the wagon, and put my wallet away.  I turned around just in time to see her poking her little fingers in to grab a dried apricot.  Getting her to share was definitely a challenge.  Seems she loves dried fruits and nuts also. She and I walked along observing everything around us and talking, me pulling her in the wagon and she grudgingly sharing a few random dates stuffed with raw almonds.  It was absolutely delightful.

I don't get to spend enough time just enjoying my wonderful family. 

Our next stop was the playground, who could possibly refuse that plea to play on the playground, please!  Of course we could, how long do you need sweet baby girl?

Each of us took a turn playing with her, mom and hubs had far more energy than I did, so they were climbing and dashing around with her.  Gramma just took lots of pictures. We ended up our together day at Sweet Art, Little Bit needed a cupcake, while Gramma and Grandpa needed some lunch.  The vegan offerings were a bit thin at the farmers market today.  It ended up being a LONG wait - they lost our order - it was yummy and it was a chance to enjoy our tiny one, truth be told mom looked unbelievably bored.

Worn out and filled with joy we returned home, just as the skies opened and it rained like crazy. Perfect fall day.  Full of fun, laughter, proud moments and just being. We shopped a lot of local vendors, I love supporting local folks.  I prefer it to stores and avoid them when I can.

Hubs offered to build me a fire tonight.  I'm still sleepy from my long nap, so I opted out.  Instead I curled up in big brown chair and worked on some knitting for a bit.  I fell in love with a pattern and decided to start working on it.  I'm struggling with the needles that I have in the correct size, normally I love my beautiful wooden needles, the warmth and smoothness always calm me. I think I am going to have to get a set of lace needles though, the yarn and the pattern are a struggle on my wooden beauties. The thread is not sliding easily and the lace pattern is refusing to easily slide.  Frustration with lace is definitely not a good thing.

It's time to take another dose of medicine and hopefully get more rest. I don't like to get sick and I hate when it slows me down.  I have a cooking class to work on, I have soaps to make, I have things that require thought and energy to take care of.  I have no ability to give those gifts right now...

I am grateful for this day, grateful for the time with my babies and sweet hubs.  Grateful for the time to rest.

count your blessings...

Last night as I got ready to crawl into bed I stared for a long moment at my alarm clock.  I was a bit mournful that it would be the last night for a while that I wouldn't set it.  It's been sitting very silently for 14 days.  I've slept and woken as my body needed.  Ironically, most mornings I was up at my usual time, but found that I stayed up later than usual.

I desperately needed this "staycation".  Hubs is upstairs enjoying one last daytime nap for a moment.  The joy of being able to sleep when your body wants and to decompress is indescribable. We have done random adventures over the past two weeks.  We've wandered and played.  We've woken up and decided to head south, we've explored places we've never been and found beautiful parks.  We found extra time to love on the remaining boy.  To help him through the grieving process and spoil him a bit more in his senior years.  I said goodbye for now to my sweet boy, and even though I miss him with all my heart, I was so very blessed to have him.  I completely understand Neeko's pain. It's been a time of great changes.

We've cleaned out clutter, I've worked on projects and Hubs has caught up on some of his shows.  All in all, we've just been.

That is a powerful feeling.  Just to be.

I've done a great deal of reflecting and mental clearing also.

I'd allowed myself to stray off of paths that were meant for me, by conforming to ones not meant for me. The past month has given me light and been very eye opening.

I've made a lot of adjustments to my path.  Adjustments that have been bringing me back to me, I didn't realize I had strayed so very far from my own path. Little things like unpolishing my nails - that 3 hours every few weeks was precious time that I was resenting.  Sure they looked pretty, professional and well kept.  Funny thing is, as the damage caused is growing out, I am enjoying looking down at my natural nails.  They still look pretty and well kept, yet now they look healthy and completely me. And I have three precious hours, not to mention all the dollars that I was spending on them, back for what I want.

After a couple of trips to the docs it was determined that the pain I was feeling was fairly self induced.  It is not "serious" yet, but it has the potential to get there in a hurry.  Especially if I continued down the path I was on.

I've spent some quality time with myself. Thinking, evaluating, measuring and determining what it is that I need for me.

The first change was the one I thought would be most difficult.  I needed to clean up my body.  I have been eating a very SAD (standard American diet).  It wasn't making me feel great.  I was poisoning myself, creating the problems before me with the very food I was eating. For almost two years I had been studying up on the information put forth in Forks over Knives.  I couldn't bring myself to commit.  It seemed like so much work. Time that I didn't feel I had available to me. I was feeling so much resentment in my life.  So much toxicity.  I am sure on some level I knew that I was harming myself... but change? Change is hard!

I was seriously angry that the nurse practitioner called and scared me.  Gave me enough negative information to terrify me and not enough to provide relief.  That wouldn't come for over a week.  Hindsight being 20/20 that is truly what was meant to happen.  The universe needed my attention.  It was time to stop ignoring what it was trying to tell me.

It's going on a month since I have had meat, dairy, sugars or packaged foods.  I can't even bring myself to eat my triscuits, they aren't appealing to me any longer, they were my favorites.  I also quit drinking soda or alcohol.  I thought this would be hard.  It isn't.  It's taking some planning, on days that I don't plan, it is trickier.  There aren't many whole food plant based options out there at the fast food joints. I thought I would miss it.  I don't.

Sure we've tried a few of the "replacement" options, gotta say, not really impressed.  If I'm not eating meat, why in the world would I want to try to replace it?  Hubs is doing fairly well also.  I won't say he's 100%, but he is definitely on board.  Ironically during one of our longer trips we made he didn't eat WFPB he added some dairy and meats.  He made healthier choices than in the past, but he still ate them.  It didn't take long at all for his body to tell him he'd made a bad choice.  His legs and feet were hurting him so badly.

I know we've made the right choice, this is probably the biggest physical change we've made.  It's only the beginning of the journey.  I cannot wait to have a follow up appointment, I know I am finally doing the right things for my body and health... it just feels really good to see it in black and white.  Reaffirms how much better I feel.

I haven't added any working out to my world yet, I've been busy being busy.  I'm climbing stairs, bending and lifting, cleaning out things and making a life.  But I do feel a growing desire to start walking.  I miss the time that Hubs and I spent together walking in the early morning light.  We have let a sense of duty steal that, I don't think it will be for much longer though.  I haven't been strolling with him and Neeks in the morning, it still hurts my heart a bit much.  Although I have taken the Neeks for a few solo walks myself. I miss the morning sunrises.  The conversations in slightly hushed tones to not wake the neighbors.  As we move towards cooler fall temperatures I can see those walks beginning again.  I'm okay with baby steps.

I'm also exploring starting yoga, I used to try so long ago.  I wasn't mature enough in myself to know that simply buying a video was not going to instruct me.  I now have access to amazing instructors, it might finally be time. As I journey deeper into what I need it keeps appealing to me.

Over these few precious weeks we have worked slowly on clearing out things that don't belong, on completing things that have been shelved, and sorting through bits and pieces.  It felt amazing to finally after 5 years clean out my sewing room.  It is unboxed, stuff is put away or given away.  I found so many projects that weren't finished. I have started to work on them.

Slowly.

Closets being cleaned, life being organized, plans being made.

Fresh herb's are growing in a window garden.  A result of my frustration with paying so much for a bunch of basil only to have it go bad before I had a chance to use it all.  Not to mention all the plastic it was boxed in.

A new batch of crystals started tumbling today.  The last batch is beautiful, although I am sure I rushed them in my hurry to savor the beauty.  To know what would happen.  This batch will go slower.  I want to enjoy the process, not so much the end result.  I am trying to learn to take things slower.

I am trying to learn that the world today is moving far too fast and too much is being missed and far too much is being absorbed by forces that are not good. We seem to be far too consumed by everything and it all needs to happen yesterday.  There is no slow and steady.  No patience.

This journey is cleansing.

My body, my spirit, my mind are in a better place.  I am feeling more balanced than I have in a long time.

When I sit down and pick up a needle, hooks, fabric, paint, yarn, crystals, anything I am not feeling guilty, I am feeling like I am doing something I personally need.  I actually read a book for pleasure last night.  I have stacks of them, things that intrigue me, yet I've felt guilty.  Guilty x2 because I want to do it and it is sitting idly waiting, but knowing there is so much else that I "should" be doing.  I'm tired of "should".   I am trying to focus on the process, the creation, the meaning behind it all.  As yarn wraps around the needle I am focusing on the person/purpose it's intended for.  My dear friend the Yogi once commented that it sounded like mediation to her.  I had to process that for a bit.  Now I realize she is correct, or at least when it is done correctly she is.  That slow and thoughtful process makes it special not rushed. The process is the gift to the creator,  the finished product is the gift for others.

I still love my career.  I still feel that I make a difference.  I'm just changing the lens.  I cannot continue to damage myself, the essence of who I am, and hope to be a positive force for others.  No one can function like that, at least not for long.  And it damages who we are as individuals.

I will still give 100%, but it's a fantasy that giving more makes you better, stronger or more valuable.  It makes you tired, cranky, less productive and unable to function.

My goal is to enjoy more, find time for hot cups of coffee, be more, use less.  I need to listen to what the universe is telling me and know that I am safe in that journey.  I'm going to enjoy slowing things down.

Times are changing for me.  54 is going to be a powerful year, much to accomplish, but it will all happen in it's own time. This will be a year of healing.

I'm so thankful to sweet Hubs for insisting on this break. I was upset, angry actually.  The timing was all wrong.

Nope, the timing was all right. Things didn't work out the way he planned... I think they worked out the way the universe planned.  It was a gift that I truly needed. He is an amazing human, and I am so blessed to have him as my completing half.