count your blessings...

Last night as I got ready to crawl into bed I stared for a long moment at my alarm clock.  I was a bit mournful that it would be the last night for a while that I wouldn't set it.  It's been sitting very silently for 14 days.  I've slept and woken as my body needed.  Ironically, most mornings I was up at my usual time, but found that I stayed up later than usual.

I desperately needed this "staycation".  Hubs is upstairs enjoying one last daytime nap for a moment.  The joy of being able to sleep when your body wants and to decompress is indescribable. We have done random adventures over the past two weeks.  We've wandered and played.  We've woken up and decided to head south, we've explored places we've never been and found beautiful parks.  We found extra time to love on the remaining boy.  To help him through the grieving process and spoil him a bit more in his senior years.  I said goodbye for now to my sweet boy, and even though I miss him with all my heart, I was so very blessed to have him.  I completely understand Neeko's pain. It's been a time of great changes.

We've cleaned out clutter, I've worked on projects and Hubs has caught up on some of his shows.  All in all, we've just been.

That is a powerful feeling.  Just to be.

I've done a great deal of reflecting and mental clearing also.

I'd allowed myself to stray off of paths that were meant for me, by conforming to ones not meant for me. The past month has given me light and been very eye opening.

I've made a lot of adjustments to my path.  Adjustments that have been bringing me back to me, I didn't realize I had strayed so very far from my own path. Little things like unpolishing my nails - that 3 hours every few weeks was precious time that I was resenting.  Sure they looked pretty, professional and well kept.  Funny thing is, as the damage caused is growing out, I am enjoying looking down at my natural nails.  They still look pretty and well kept, yet now they look healthy and completely me. And I have three precious hours, not to mention all the dollars that I was spending on them, back for what I want.

After a couple of trips to the docs it was determined that the pain I was feeling was fairly self induced.  It is not "serious" yet, but it has the potential to get there in a hurry.  Especially if I continued down the path I was on.

I've spent some quality time with myself. Thinking, evaluating, measuring and determining what it is that I need for me.

The first change was the one I thought would be most difficult.  I needed to clean up my body.  I have been eating a very SAD (standard American diet).  It wasn't making me feel great.  I was poisoning myself, creating the problems before me with the very food I was eating. For almost two years I had been studying up on the information put forth in Forks over Knives.  I couldn't bring myself to commit.  It seemed like so much work. Time that I didn't feel I had available to me. I was feeling so much resentment in my life.  So much toxicity.  I am sure on some level I knew that I was harming myself... but change? Change is hard!

I was seriously angry that the nurse practitioner called and scared me.  Gave me enough negative information to terrify me and not enough to provide relief.  That wouldn't come for over a week.  Hindsight being 20/20 that is truly what was meant to happen.  The universe needed my attention.  It was time to stop ignoring what it was trying to tell me.

It's going on a month since I have had meat, dairy, sugars or packaged foods.  I can't even bring myself to eat my triscuits, they aren't appealing to me any longer, they were my favorites.  I also quit drinking soda or alcohol.  I thought this would be hard.  It isn't.  It's taking some planning, on days that I don't plan, it is trickier.  There aren't many whole food plant based options out there at the fast food joints. I thought I would miss it.  I don't.

Sure we've tried a few of the "replacement" options, gotta say, not really impressed.  If I'm not eating meat, why in the world would I want to try to replace it?  Hubs is doing fairly well also.  I won't say he's 100%, but he is definitely on board.  Ironically during one of our longer trips we made he didn't eat WFPB he added some dairy and meats.  He made healthier choices than in the past, but he still ate them.  It didn't take long at all for his body to tell him he'd made a bad choice.  His legs and feet were hurting him so badly.

I know we've made the right choice, this is probably the biggest physical change we've made.  It's only the beginning of the journey.  I cannot wait to have a follow up appointment, I know I am finally doing the right things for my body and health... it just feels really good to see it in black and white.  Reaffirms how much better I feel.

I haven't added any working out to my world yet, I've been busy being busy.  I'm climbing stairs, bending and lifting, cleaning out things and making a life.  But I do feel a growing desire to start walking.  I miss the time that Hubs and I spent together walking in the early morning light.  We have let a sense of duty steal that, I don't think it will be for much longer though.  I haven't been strolling with him and Neeks in the morning, it still hurts my heart a bit much.  Although I have taken the Neeks for a few solo walks myself. I miss the morning sunrises.  The conversations in slightly hushed tones to not wake the neighbors.  As we move towards cooler fall temperatures I can see those walks beginning again.  I'm okay with baby steps.

I'm also exploring starting yoga, I used to try so long ago.  I wasn't mature enough in myself to know that simply buying a video was not going to instruct me.  I now have access to amazing instructors, it might finally be time. As I journey deeper into what I need it keeps appealing to me.

Over these few precious weeks we have worked slowly on clearing out things that don't belong, on completing things that have been shelved, and sorting through bits and pieces.  It felt amazing to finally after 5 years clean out my sewing room.  It is unboxed, stuff is put away or given away.  I found so many projects that weren't finished. I have started to work on them.

Slowly.

Closets being cleaned, life being organized, plans being made.

Fresh herb's are growing in a window garden.  A result of my frustration with paying so much for a bunch of basil only to have it go bad before I had a chance to use it all.  Not to mention all the plastic it was boxed in.

A new batch of crystals started tumbling today.  The last batch is beautiful, although I am sure I rushed them in my hurry to savor the beauty.  To know what would happen.  This batch will go slower.  I want to enjoy the process, not so much the end result.  I am trying to learn to take things slower.

I am trying to learn that the world today is moving far too fast and too much is being missed and far too much is being absorbed by forces that are not good. We seem to be far too consumed by everything and it all needs to happen yesterday.  There is no slow and steady.  No patience.

This journey is cleansing.

My body, my spirit, my mind are in a better place.  I am feeling more balanced than I have in a long time.

When I sit down and pick up a needle, hooks, fabric, paint, yarn, crystals, anything I am not feeling guilty, I am feeling like I am doing something I personally need.  I actually read a book for pleasure last night.  I have stacks of them, things that intrigue me, yet I've felt guilty.  Guilty x2 because I want to do it and it is sitting idly waiting, but knowing there is so much else that I "should" be doing.  I'm tired of "should".   I am trying to focus on the process, the creation, the meaning behind it all.  As yarn wraps around the needle I am focusing on the person/purpose it's intended for.  My dear friend the Yogi once commented that it sounded like mediation to her.  I had to process that for a bit.  Now I realize she is correct, or at least when it is done correctly she is.  That slow and thoughtful process makes it special not rushed. The process is the gift to the creator,  the finished product is the gift for others.

I still love my career.  I still feel that I make a difference.  I'm just changing the lens.  I cannot continue to damage myself, the essence of who I am, and hope to be a positive force for others.  No one can function like that, at least not for long.  And it damages who we are as individuals.

I will still give 100%, but it's a fantasy that giving more makes you better, stronger or more valuable.  It makes you tired, cranky, less productive and unable to function.

My goal is to enjoy more, find time for hot cups of coffee, be more, use less.  I need to listen to what the universe is telling me and know that I am safe in that journey.  I'm going to enjoy slowing things down.

Times are changing for me.  54 is going to be a powerful year, much to accomplish, but it will all happen in it's own time. This will be a year of healing.

I'm so thankful to sweet Hubs for insisting on this break. I was upset, angry actually.  The timing was all wrong.

Nope, the timing was all right. Things didn't work out the way he planned... I think they worked out the way the universe planned.  It was a gift that I truly needed. He is an amazing human, and I am so blessed to have him as my completing half.