doing...

Exhaustion level today... extreme.

As tired as I was last night my brain would not shut up. No matter what I tried between the non-stop chatter in my mind and the pain in my body from helping a friend, there was no rest last night. In fact I don't feel like less than 5 hours really makes it anything more than a long nap.

Some of the inner turmoil is coming from the fact that I know I am going to have to go and finish someone else's work.  I don't want to spend all my time at work either.  I want my weekends off.  I will have spent a good portion of the past two weekends at work, because the person responsible simply isn't doing it. And honestly I am tired of their lack of performance reflecting on me. So in a bit, I will take my tired body and go put in another day doing someone else's job. I'm not doing it for them.  I'm doing it for my members.  Which makes it marginally better, but then I remember that I am on duty next weekend and I feel exhausted all over again.

I get the new buzz phrase.  I know everyone feels that they need work/life balance.  I'm just wondering when people are going to stop and think for a moment about what their actual contribution is during the "work" portion of the day. Because if everyone was working to capacity, instead of planning the "life" portion, I feel more of us might be able to pull off the balance part.

I guess my exhaustion is leading me to feel a great deal of frustration and almost anger.  I don't live well in with that state of mind.  Probably why I didn't sleep.  I probably should have just gotten up, gone and done the work, and would have slept well. Heaven knows I wouldn't want the person responsible to give up any of their balance.

Ugghhh... I think I am getting old.

I'm truly in a weird space right now.  My world feels... tilted? Off?  I'm not sure what it feels, it just doesn't feel right.

I think I need to get back to a happy place for me.  Hubs and I haven't really had much us time this week.  And what we have had, has centered around meals.  Thank goodness they are healthy. I have to admit that I feel a great sense of personal satisfaction when I see him enjoying one of the meals that I have served.  Of the delight on his face when the "vegan" food actually tastes great!!

This has been a huge transition for him.  I was a vegetarian for a long time, the transition hasn't been so big for me.  I am still trying to change his mindset of "it's a diet" to it's a lifestyle choice.  We will get there.  As long as the end goal is the same, I do not really care.

I think part of my current exhaustion, frustration and pain is that I am trying to put a bit of priority on us, something that hasn't happened in a very long time.  It's hard when other's are selfish.  I want to be a bit selfish where Hubs and I are concerned.  I want the time to further explore our journey together. 

I had planned to attend a class on Shamanism yesterday, but a friend needed us, and I wasn't about to say no.  There will always be time for a class, there will not always be time to support a friend in need.  I might have tricked him a bit, we took him to a vegan restaurant for lunch.  Surprisingly he didn't hate it, I'm not sure he loved it, but he didn't hate it.  Hubs and I enjoyed it.  Of the three we've been to so far, I am going to say this is my least favorite, and I am not sure I will feel drawn to fight the traffic in that area to return.  The other two are tucked out of the way, and a bit of a drive, but definitely worth the trip and the time to find!  Treehouse was good, please don't get me wrong.  But Seedz and Bombay Food Junkies were amazing!

I am finding that my happy place lately is centered around cooking and learning to be healthier. As I'm chopping vegetables, trying all sorts of new ingredients, I find that I cannot wait to serve those dishes.  I'm also toying with investing in a cooking course, sometimes I am a bit of a cheapo.  But I am also aware that all of the cooking classes I took in high school and from my folks, never taught me to cook without animal products or processed oils.  When I get frustrated that my dish doesn't look as beautiful or have the same rich flavors I am wondering if I am simply trying to cook a new way with old skills.

I am still weighing options.  But... I really think I might. 

I spent a bit of time reading last night.  I have had "The Four Agreements" sitting on my nightstand for almost a year.  I never seem to have time, or is it make time, to read it.  Last night, I started. I'm also dabbling in meditation.  Because even though I am hating all the additional work hours, I am also very aware that balance is not about actual time.  It's about taking care of yourself and making sure that you are "whole".  I could have hours to do anything, but if I chose to waste that time, it's on me.

I am going to also start finding my 30 minutes a day to go for a walk. If I can find 30 minutes to fuss about laziness, then I definitely can find 30 minutes to take a long walk.  I need it.

Well, it's time to get ready for the day.  Time to go and do the work that is waiting.  It's the right thing to do.

Then a bit more time for us...