is it in the DNA?

The rain stopped somewhere in the middle of the night, all that remains is the lingering dampness and the deep dreary cloud cover. The kind that says "maybe I'll downpour, maybe I won't... I'll get back to you on it." It's going to be a slow kind of day today.  The kind of day that beckons you to curl up with a good book or maybe take a nap. A reminder to slow down, to spend time taking care of yourself. Too bad I'm not a fan of napping and I spend far too many lost hours in books and reading. Today for me is a day to sew.

I'd forgotten that I'd promised to remake Hubs' housecoat that I'd made him, I used the wrong pattern at Christmas and it was a bit on the small side.  He wants one that is longer and bigger around, so it is more like a giant blanket than a robe. I have everything I need, I simply forgot to do it.  When a project lingers longer than a week or two, I definitely need a reminder to do it.  By the time he comes home, he will have a comfy, oversized robe to snuggle up in.  Something to protect him from the chill that comes with this much rain and the lingering dampness.

dang that looks long from this angle

I'd started to cut it out yesterday, so I only had a few bits to finish this morning. I'd stopped for several reasons, mostly it was the knowledge that if I put an extension leaf in the table it would be much easier to handle. And I wasn't in the right mindset to tackle that yesterday. At all!

As I was gathering everything up to cut it out, I discovered that my pattern was tattered and needed repair, and while gently pressing and creating the missing pieces I was struggling to understand why I was so reluctant to sew. I love sewing, but my mojo has been missing for over a month now.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. The last time that I had sat down to sew, not helped the Dragon or a quick repair, was the day Beau had his breakthrough seizure. I'm pretty sure on some deep level, I was afraid of a repeat. I can get kind of hung up on things like that.

This morning, as I was gently using my hands to smooth and press the soft layers of flannel together, I found myself lost in thought. Where did this knowledge come from? Heck, where did any of the knowledge of things I seem to simply "know" how to do come from?

Is it passed down from some deep pool of familial DNA? They claim to have proven that every woman born carries the cells of their maternal ancestry. Do those cells also carry the knowledge from generation to generation? I promise you that I did not learn to sewing in Home Economics class. Oh, don't get me wrong, I was shown the basics, but I was not the type of student that had the patience to listen for long. That is still how I function. Let me dig in, don't sit and talk at me. I assure you I will have tuned out in the first 5 minutes. My brain has already started sorting the project out without you.

As I slid the pins in, it seemed like something I have always known. Now, in all fairness I have been sewing - my first love, since I was in school... so we can safely say at least 45 to 50 years (cripes that is terrifying!), but lessons are not something I ever took. I don't have the ability to focus that long.

I don't tend to make clothing any longer, although I am very capable. There was a time I made most of my clothing and my kiddos. But somewhere along the line the cost of the patterns, then the fabrics, sky rocketed. It was no longer the least expensive way to have nice clothing. I have made wedding gowns, bridesmaid dresses, heck I even got coaxed into making a flamenco ball gown once. True fact - I despise working with boning and taffeta fabric. One of my favorite work "suits" from decades ago was made out of a beautiful navy wool. I wore it forever.

Again, as the prices soared and my spare time decreased, I fell into the habit of buying today's disposable clothing. Although, I am that person that keeps things for years and years. I have sweaters older than my children. I will mend and alter something until it barely resembles it's original self.

So lets go back to my original question, where does that almost innate knowledge come from? Are we all born remembering bits and pieces from the past? Do we each receive our own special mix of past knowledge that we are then given free will to do with as we please? Is that why I am drawn to creating? I use so many mediums, and I am never content to stay in one lane. Even now I am fighting an overwhelming (and I believe soon to be lost) battle to build a frame to make rugs out of scraps. Every time I turn around there is another pull to do this.

It doesn't mean I am giving up any of my other passions, just adding to the mix.

Do I have a pool of genes that are causing me to be driven to be self-sufficient? Is that why I do the things I do? Would it be quicker and easier to pick things up at the store. Yup. Of course it would. But where is the satisfaction in that? I don't want to be all the same. I don't want to trust others that my food is safe. I don't want to lose the skills that seem to always be right there when I need them.

I remember the sweet woman that taught me at the farmers market to use a drop spindle. I remember hearing her tell me that I must have been born with the skill as I was a natural. I was surprised at how easily it came to me. I'd always been drawn to it, but had never even attempted it. And there she was, offering to show everyone interested how to use it, how to create with it, right in my path as I was browsing for fresh vegetables. I left with a new spindle and roving, forgetting the veggies altogether.

I have friends and family that are incredible hunters, fishermen/women, their gardens are incredible, they have awesome skills with mechanical things, builders, medicinal, some are naturals with animals, amazing with numbers and math, etc... are those skills that they inherited along the way?

When I was in school I could not have cared less about being there. It wasn't my thing. I wasn't even very social, my "group" of friends was small and most I have long since lost touch with. My mind was a million miles away, except in history or art based classes (those always held my attention) at least until a teacher spent far too much time explaining rules and far too little time doing. If I started doodling, it was a great indication that I had tuned out. I was also that kid that never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Lord almighty more than a few teachers and counselors would make me crazy asking that question.

Me. That is what I wanted to be. Simply me. The person that now, at almost 60, I have become. The person that is free to follow the dozens of ideas that pop into my head on a daily basis. The woman that sees something beautiful and wants to dive in and experiment with the process. The person that has tons of knowledge without understanding the root of it, simply dying to try it all, immediately.

I don't know if I will ever know where the knowledge, ideas and drive comes from, but I am so thankful to possess it. To have been gifted with these treasures.

Thanks for walking in my crazy, random thoughts and questions. I may never be a master at anything I do, but I am so thankful for the journey and opportunity to explore them all. Aren't you glad you aren't my sweet Hubs? The man that feeds my insatiable quest to learn, do and create? He deserves a medal!

my co-conspirator in all I do!

Time to sew, he also needs a nice cozy, custom made robe....

love and peace, b

wearing me down...

It is eerily quiet outside this morning, to the point that I simply came inside with the pups.  I didn't sleep well last night, I'm not sure why, I was definitely exhausted. Just a sense of angst and foreboding.  struggled to fall asleep and I've now been awake for about an hour and a half.   I guess it is going to be a long day. 

Yesterday there were moments of insect buzzes that filled the air to the point of being heard inside.  This morning it is dead silence.  It's strange.  I sat out there for about thirty minutes, it's super dark and super silent.  No sounds from the roads or even the normal train.  No birds (it's too early), but none of the nocturnal insects or critters either.  I guess the world is also in a strange moment.  

I don't like to simply lie in bed when I wake up and can't sleep, to me it just causes more anxiety, I figure I woke up early for a reason.  Or all of it could simply be that I didn't get everything finished that I was hoping to yesterday.  

There wasn't much time for rest or playing with puppies yesterday, trust me Beau let me know I was falling down on my puppy pillow duties and he wasn't happy.  He definitely feels he needs at least 18 hours a day of mommy time.  My sweet 60 pound lapdog. He had to resort to sitting with Daddy yesterday and he let me know it was not acceptable. 

I think all of the chaos in the world is starting to wear at my heart.  There is just so much going on and most of it doesn't feel good.  It's almost like the feelings caused by 9/11, I long to pull my babies close and hold on tight.  Knowing full well they are grown adults that have their own families to protect.  

Every time I blink, there is simply more evil in this world.  I strongly feel that each of us made a choice to be here at this time, there is a reason.  I just find myself questioning it all. 

A couple of days ago several folks started sharing information about a pet medicine that was causing dogs to start having massive seizures and dying.  One of the brands is the one we were convinced by the vet to use for the babies.  The last time I gave it to them, I noticed that they shouldn't have had it prior to 6 months old.  The vet started giving it to them when they were only 12 weeks old. This morning, I see another article, this one saying the FDA knows about it, yet still approved it. 

I can tell you my puppies will never get it again.  Truthfully, I will gladly throw away the almost $300 of medications. My boys did not receive any shots or medications once they came to me, they lived very long and healthy lives.  My gut is telling me to really question everything.  I am ordering some essential oil based treatments to protect my babies.  I am not using anything else. 

I am struggling with so much of the insanity going on now.  I am tired of the stories we are being told.  I am tired of feeling like the world is against most of it's occupants.  It's okay to get oil from other countries at stupid prices, but it isn't okay to drill for oil here in our country.  The weather is damaging crops globally, although it feels far too convenient and planned. I read devastating news for Germany yesterday, and the fact that due to games being played by governments the people may suffer even more this winter with a lack of heating oil.  

I don't understand this lack based mentality that is being put out non-stop in the world.  Why are we not coming at things from a solution based mentality?  Why does it feel that everywhere I turn people are giving up and accepting things that they know aren't right, because it is the easier path?

As you can tell, the sense of unease is strong today.  I am going to stop writing and get busy doing the things.

love and peace...

fear porn...

Good morning!  What a busy two hours it has been, puppies walked and fed their yummy breakfast, smoothies made for Hubs and I, dinner is thawing, and the last of the puppy treats from yesterday are bagged up.  All on my first cuppa java. Hubs is officially off to start his work day and I am already in the thick of mine. 

I want to explore something today, before you think I am nuts I would love it if you would hear me out.  And maybe explore some of the ideas with me. I heard snippets of something this morning, it was talking about the doomsday clock.  I don't know how many folks are old enough to truly grasp how long we have lived with this shadow always hanging over our heads.  The media pulls it out and dusts it off on a fairly regular basis. 

Yesterday a friend shared a meme that's been running around for a few days showing a school desk, calling it an old school bomb shelter.  I don't know if they still have those drills in school, but man did we used to.  Those school desks were full of super powers for those of you that aren't in the know.  They could protect you from bombs, tornadoes, hurricanes (just depended on where you lived). Who knew we could be so safe with a small metal and pressed wood desk over our heads, I am truly amazed that we were never encouraged to have one per person in our homes in case of those emergencies. 

The headlines on all forms of media always consist of blood, death, gore, things that are designed to instill immense fear and angst.  And I am absolutely dumb struck at the fact that we have seamlessly slid from a deadly pandemic (yeah, that's another topic) straight into the beginnings for a world war - at least if you are listening to the media. It was orchestrated beautifully, so seamlessly that most folks have completely forgotten about the hell we have been put through for the past two years.  I mean, seriously it was almost to the minute of the two year anniversary.  They are now being told to focus on the plight of people in another country - nothing to see here in our country move along...

Is that our attention span?

Or is it to distract us from the rest of the crap?  The quickest way to distract people is to have them living in fear.  Gas, food, lumber, you name it is soaring in prices.  Off the chain inflation, but hey let's look over here at what the boogie man is doing thousands of miles away.  Not a single one of us can walk outside and look with our own eyes, so we have absolutely no solid proof that what they are claiming is actually occurring.  Don't jump on me about that statement, simply question it, if you have concrete proof (not provided by the media) I would love to see it. 

The more I think about it, the more I feel that our government has been working against us for a very, very long time.  That we have spent a lifetime being taught to live in constant fear and always looking over our shoulders, waiting for that next shoe to drop. 

I remember being a kid and going through all of the nuclear fears.  Oh my word were they intense.  The movies that showed us the dismal world that would be left.  What was it called... oh yeah... "The Day After", was one of them. We were also subject to non-stop showings of "Scared Straight". Did these movies ever do anything to keep someone out of jail?  Doubtful.  Did the non-stop fear mongering of nuclear war prevent it from happening?  Or was it simply to keep us toeing the line. Common sense told you none of the so called world powers were ever going to use the weapons against each other, because world destruction is a little different that world domination.  Which is what we were taught all of those countries wanted. 

I am not really a fearful person, and I guess a bit of it is because throughout my life I have lived in places that were portrayed as being the epicenter of some of those horrific things.  They have never been what portrayed on the media.  Most recently with the Ferguson riots, which were portrayed as burning down the entire metro east area, instead of the 6 block or so radius in a small town within the city.  I have lived on a military base that had a bomb go off.  While it is an experience I will never forget, the portrayal and the reaction were definitely not a true representation.  I walked right past the bomb site that very night as I walked to work at Chicken Every Sundae.  I sat in a field with my apron on beside a general in a bath-towel that night when they thought they had found more bombs in the very building I was working in.  I don't know what was actually in the pillowcases they carried out, but given that a human in non-protective gear removed them... well... 

I worked throughout the majority of the "pandemic". I personally know no one that died from it.  Sure some got pretty sick.  But I also know a lot of folks that got pretty sick from the flu in the past.  I'm not saying it wasn't real, remember I was diagnosed with it myself, I'm saying I live in a metro area that is filled with homeless people.  I remember a "tent village" being built to protect them so they weren't dropping dead in the streets, I remember the same "tent village" being torn down and removed not a week later.  Too many things are glaring contradictions of themselves.  I participated in the insanity of signs, non-stop spraying of disinfectants (that I personally am highly opposed to).  I participated in keeping children 6 feet apart in camps and classroom settings and not allowing people to do so many things.  

Here's the thing, when I was removed from those situations, so was any small bit of induced fear. 

I guess because I do have the extreme luxury to choose if I listen to news, people, or... that I am able to sit back and observe.  I'm not in the mix of the fear porn any longer.  I didn't wear a mask unless forced to and then only if the service was necessary.  I'm not focusing on a "war" that might or might not be what is being presented to us.  Did anyone notice that Afghanistan has completely left the news cycle?  I am guess that they have resolved their lifetimes long battles and everyone is at peace?  The refugees are no longer flooding out?  The American's have all been rescued?  Did I miss that story?

What I am focusing on is what my own country is doing to me.  I am focusing on utility bills of all types sky rocketing.  Food security is an uneasy thing during times like this. Is it truly supply chain issues or things like the video my son sent me from LA where people are literally stealing everything off the trains and destroying the supplies? And frankly, I find it super concerning that companies and governments are shutting off peoples access to the money when they aren't doing what the "leaders" feel is the right thing to do. Don't you find those kind of things concerning?  Doesn't it in the least bit make you feel like you could suffer the same fate?  

Did anyone notice the restrictions applied to the woman in Canada that was just released?  I was dumb struck.  I am not by any stretch an expert on the Canadian constitution, but I do believe it is very similar to ours.  By that benchmark, this woman is "free" to live her life as long as she follows a list of things that basically keep her imprisoned.  Dictating who she talks to, where she goes, how she spends her money, how she uses social media, etc.  It's a damn intimidating list.  She was a peaceful protester.  At no point did she burn, loot, steal or destroy anything.  And she is being forced to live like a prisoner.  What about those people that destroyed cities?  That murdered people?  I am simply in awe.  That is just to our northern border, things like that could and are happening in our own country.  I find that highly disturbing. 

Okay, so my point was not at all to bring people down.  To instill my own brand of fear porn.  I don't buy into that crap.  Sorry.  My point is that when we think critically, maybe we see that these things are simply that - fear porn.  It's been proven time and time again that fear is the best way to control people. 

I am more focused on taking care of what is in my own bubble to control.  Of helping my neighbors and being aware of things around me.  I remember the years of fear porn of being a military dependent.  I grew up walking up on my vehicles looking underneath them for hidden explosives.  Some of those things have served me well in my life.  Nope, never had a bomb under my car, but did notice that the mechanics forgot to reattach the pan that protects the oil pan on our truck.  Simply because of habits. 

I am focused on making healthy meals for my family (even the four legged ones), I am working to supplement our grocery list with things that I can grow, gather or prepare at home.  I am focusing on being a bit more self sufficient.  My veggie towers arrived last night, so I will assemble them and get the soil just right for planting season.  I will watch our dollars and if need be look for ways to supplement our income to deal with the all of this inflation.  I am looking to support local farmers and sourcing things local to me. 

I'm opting out of fear porn.  I am choosing to believe what I can see with my own eyes.  I am opting into being part of the success and wellness of my tribe of people.  I am choosing to keep my mind and my heart free.  Does it mean a bit more work, a little more manual labor?  Or course, is it worth it? 100% YES!

Okay folks, thanks for letting me clear my head, for reading along as I think through things I am observing.  I understand not everyone will agree or even feel I am sane after reading this.  I'm okay with that.  I am comfortable in my own thoughts and feelings.  Finally.  For far too long I was not in a position to be able to speak and feel freely.  It's freaking liberating I have to tell you!  

You be you, I'll be me... I'll still love ya!

intrigue in the wee hours...

Our sweet babies are curled at my feet, not really sleeping, not really awake.  They sleep really great from about 7 pm to 2 am, after they go back to sleep they don't really stay asleep.  Usually we are up by 4 am, they need another potty break and some food.  They are just babies.  Momma is a bit tired, so is Daddy.  I'm sitting here with them, he's down in the man-cave trying to rest a bit longer.  His music is making my eyes heavy, but I can only handle being woken up twice in one night. 

I know this is simply a season, soon they will be able to sleep through the night.  Soon they will outgrow some of things that make me a bit crazy right now.  My floors are cleaner than they have ever been, I mop them multiple times a day - you can guess why. And puppy toys are just as painful as legos when they are hidden in with the carpeting. 

I am leaning into this moment in time.  Because their sweet loving faces and personalities fill my heart with pure love and joy.  I have definitely missed the unquestionable love of a dog. They are so sweet and trusting.  Even ones that have been given reasons to not trust. 

When they woke us up the first time I got wrapped up in reading an article about "Old Christmas" and the Appalachian beliefs and stories.  It was absolutely fascinating and even though my eyes were heavy and shutting I read most of it before drifting back to sleep.  I finished when they woke me the second time.  I am that person that notices when things keep popping up for me, and right now I am wondering why the switch from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar is so prevalent this week.  How have I gone my whole life and never really known about it?  

It seems like almost daily stories are showing up in different ways that draw my attention back to it, to the lost days, to the moving of holidays and simple changes that I was never really aware of. It's truly fascinating.  And now that it is at the forefront of my thoughts, I want to learn even more about it.  There are many different reasons, some semi-make sense, others feel like blatant lies.  To find out there are countries that are on other calendars was a bit of mind blowing information.  I mean, how do you get to the age I am and not realize that. 

I think I first glimpsed a bit of it last year when our son's girlfriend lost her Dad.  She was hurting so much, compounded because evidently he passed on his birthday.  She hadn't known it was his birthday because in her birth country the dates fall differently than here. I was perplexed, but didn't want to ask too many questions while she was hurting so much.  As life moved on, it drifted to the back of my mind and I forgot about it. 

I have always been a huge history nut.  I love visiting the old sites, learning as much as I can about all of it. So I am equally puzzled as to why I am just now learning some of this.  And some of it is making me more curious than ever about things that no longer make sense. 

I had never realized that there are religious faiths that still celebrate Christmas in January - at the time of Old Christmas.  I also have often wondered about things like the 12 days of Christmas and the conflicting thoughts around when it truly is.  When I lived in Greece this non-Catholic learned about Epiphany and thought I understood how all of that ties in.  Now I am even more convinced I understand very little. 

I guess we don't learn things until we are ready to learn them.  I am not sure how deeply I want to dive in and explore this, but I am very intrigued and the more tidbits that come my way the more interested I am. Some how, things seem a bit more twisted than we have been led to believe.  I doubt we will ever know the true story about many things, that they will always be a bit more vague and misty than we will ever know.  Time does that.  I am a naturally curious person, I like to learn and understand. I am learning to accept that there are many things that defy understanding.  Things that linger, forever lost in time. 

Just took the puppies outside for the third time this morning, to discover that it had started to softly snow. Not enough to really matter, but definitely enough to count as the babies first snow. They didn't really know what to think about it, do you eat it, do you avoid it, or just sit in it?  They moved on to simply romping for a few moments, doing their business and then Belle headed to the front step, she wasn't impressed.  Beau was not done trying to explore it when I brought him in.  The 7 degrees had more to do with the brevity than the snow.

Well, Hubs is awake, puppies are back asleep and I need to start thinking about fixing breakfast before he starts his day. 

love and peace...