Did anyone else wake up to a beautiful "fall-esque" morning? I sure did. It seems we might be moving into the part of the year where I thrive. I have to say, I need it. I have been silent here and other places because I am not in a good place.
I am working hard to get back there. I am fairly sure it will require more changes than I have already made. I am very sad at the world today. I am struggling with the things I am seeing. The sadness is almost overwhelming at times.
Friday at work was hard. I'm leaving it at that. The events do not matter the result did. I was up for many hours after I finally got home. I was unable to sleep. My stress level was higher than it has ever been. The experience had a profound impact on me.
Many times in my life, I have experienced these kind of events. They are usually my tipping point. The time when God is speaking the loudest to me, telling me to give it to him, that I needn't worry myself.
After much prayer on Friday night, trying to navigate my feelings and emotions, overcome with tears out of a mixture of anxiety, fear (mostly of the kind of world we are creating), sadness and frustration, I finally felt semi-calm. An hour of meditation allowed me to finally rest. I have turned it over to God. He will lead me through the next part of my journey.
On my drive home Friday, I dropped the top of my sweet little bug and savored the beauty around me. The moon was divinely bright, with an almost golden hue - not silvery at all. I could see Mars and Venus shining bolder and brighter than the stars that they dwarfed. I didn't turn on music, I simply drove in silence. I think that is when the processing started.
I've been too overwhelmed to write. In fact I have been almost incapable of putting together a sentence or thought for quite some time now. I wasn't able to find solace in any of the things that usually bring me great joy. I've been going through the motions. Checking off boxes that show I am alive. Sleep... we'll give that one a half check, waking... double check there, moving through the day... okay check. You get the point.
I am fairly sure that most of the planet is with me on this. We are all dealing with and processing what we have endured at varying places and through varying actions. We all have to find our way.
I took a week off, a few of those days I simply checked out of life. I puttered, I created, I spent time with the my sweet pup. Hubs was visiting his sister. I was numb to life.
I've been looking at life through a different lens for over a week now. I guess that is what made Friday so profound. In the peace and tranquility, I started to realize all of the hurt, suffering, angst, and overwhelming need for grace all around me. I started to realize that globally we needed to heal, that we simply all need a bit more love, compassion, understanding and faith.
I made my team some Yep's. It was me being silly as that was the acronym for a new program we are starting tomorrow in an attempt to serve the people around us. I also wanted to see them smile. It worked. Yesterday as I was struggling still with the profound sadness and sense of loss that Friday left me with, I picked up the remaining yarn and a hook and sat listening to some podcasts and made 21 reusable water balloons for next years camp. The thread sliding through my fingers provided a stillness that was needed.
I was feeling balanced, enjoying the cool breezes and rest.
A few phone calls and emails later, the anger and angst returned.
Again, after much time in prayer and meditation, I slept.
The fact that I can say I slept is powerful. That is two full nights of sleep. It has been so very long since that was the norm. For months on end I have slept fitfully, tossing, turning, waking, having horrible dreams and living a life filled with restlessness.
This morning I woke up to the sun rising in the east and a pup anxious to go outside. Normally, I wake up in the dark, jarred awake by nightmares. It was so refreshing. After walking outside, regretting my decision to not put on a sweatshirt, I felt energetic and alive.
I spent an hour cooking Neeko's breakfast and working in my beautiful tree top garden.
I snipped the marigold heads, remembering as a child Mom and Dad showing us how when they were teaching us how to grow things in our little garden plot. I can't remember where it was, what we grew, or even if we grew things successfully. I do remember snipping marigold flowers that had finished blooming, to prepare for the years yet to come.
I will let them finish drying and then package them up. Mom has been wanting marigolds for a few years now and never seems able to find them. I will be sure to send her a package for her garden next year.
Last weekend I made some pepper jellies from my garden, I will probably make a couple more today. We love them and that way even in the dead of winter, we will be able to enjoy the flavors of summer. I am hoping the ones I harvest today will have a bit more bite, the one's last weekend had to have help from some I purchased at the store, they were mild, with no bite.
As I was snipping those flowers and caring for my precious veggies (even the carrots have decided to grow!), I felt an overwhelming need to write. The words kept coming together in my head. My desire to tidy my kitchen and work on things I needed to get done was pushed violently aside by the words rushing around in my head, looking for a way out.
I'm still deeply saddened by the world we are living in. I cannot comprehend some of the absolute vileness that I am witnessing. I don't know that I am in the right place at the right time. I am feeling more strongly every day that I am not. Yet I have faith that the Lord will put me where I am supposed to be.
I am a firm believer that if something feels wrong to your heart and soul, it is not for you. I am wondering if that is where I am now. I guess time is going to tell.
Thank you for being here for me.