I opted out of today. 

I've slept, I've soaked, I've lounged.

I definitely haven't adulted.

There are still piles of laundry.  There is dog debris (thanks Neeko) everywhere from slaughtered toys. Dishes - sink is full of them.  Cooking, no thanks, have a cookie - no cookie - is starving an option?

It's been a rough start to the year. The stress has been unimaginable, the loss unfathomable.  I haven't processed it all.  I am not ready to. 

I know that I've been pushing too hard, I've felt it. I'm also rational enough to know that sometimes, there simply aren't options.  The past few weeks, no months, there has not been an option.

Today.  Today I decided had to be that day. 

I'm trying to get back to where I want to be.  And I'm simply not there.  I needed to take my car to the shop.  I decided to rest instead.  I'll stress about it later this week. I know I have to do it before the weekend.  I'll take care of it.

I'm starting …

should be further on by now....

I'm working on normal.

I'm not sure I am reaching success, but I am working on it.

Yesterday was supposed to be the day off to complete my chores.  To finally catch up on my so called life.

I didn't make much progress.  Hubs wasn't doing much better.  In fact together we might be a happening mess.

We finally have groceries in the house.  I considered that a HUGE accomplishment.  Although we did forget coffee and will definitely have to get that in the next day or so. Neither of us functions well without it. And it did take us most of the day to accomplish it, seems even with a list we barely felt the urgency in the moment. 

I was laughing as we strolled through Costco for a few of our household items that we use a lot of.  It made me think of my Dad.  He always had a thing about the house being stocked enough for the end of days.  He did not like bare or semi-bare cupboards.  Mom will probably not need groceries, except the basics, for months. Hubs and I are the same w…

dripping in butter...


It's funny the things that connect us, the links to long forgotten memories.  And the calm and peace it can bring to you.

I am not a lobster fan.  I'm not sure why, it's just not a favorite.  I can eat scallops until I am sick, I love them, but lobster, not so much. 

My oldest grand daughter on the other hand.  I'm not sure she's ever met a type of seafood that she hates, but she LOVES lobster. She's only 11, but she's been a seafood fiend for years now.  I remember Hubs and I celebrating the 4th of July with her about 4 years ago, at her favorite Chinese buffet, as she said... "I need my white fish".

My Dad loved seafood also.  Especially lobster.

Last night the girls were back from their spring break and we finally got to celebrate my girl's birthday.  We let them pick the place, knowing that sweet grand daughter was going to vote for Outback - and lobster.

Without a moment's hesitation my girl ordered her baby two lobster tails…


All of my beautiful bittersweet flowers are starting to fade.  Each day I snap a picture of what remains, needing to hold on to beauty and memories just a bit longer.  
Two weeks ago today, my Momma sent us the last picture we will ever have of Daddy still with us.  We might still be in denial, but I think all of us looking at that picture knew that he was fading.  Just like my beautiful flowers are now. 
I don't know that I am getting stronger, I am finding moments each day when it takes sheer will power to face it.  Yesterday morning was horrific.  I didn't have the energy or passion for life to even get ready.  I didn't want to face anything else.  I couldn't. 
I did. 
 Through the strength loaned to me by family and friends, I found my groove.  I also admit to a lot of sheer bullheaded determination.  That trait runs deep in the family genes, thank you Lord. 
The box to send some of Daddy's ashes to Artful Ashes arrive in Arkansas yesterday (goodness talk abou…

what we give...

It's far too early to be awake today.  But I have much to do, so thankful that coffee finished brewing!

Today there will be meetings and scrambling to do good in this crazy world.

We're working on our Annual Campaign, and this year has been an absolute struggle. This campaign is so important.  It allows us to continue to do the great work that we do all year round.  I mean come on, it's the Y!!  We are a place that connects people, that helps you when you need a place to belong and work on your health.  No matter what that need is.  We provide amazing programs to kids in very underserved neighborhoods.  Making sure that they have access to the same things as children from homes with more resources, in fact even more than some of those children get.  We teach reading, conflict resolution, we help mentor them to achieve their dreams, send them on trips, and help them learn about our government and their role in it through Youth and Government.

And that is simply a glazing o…

strolling through memories...

The sunrise this morning is dull.  There are no vibrant colors to shake off the gloom.  I guess that is a good thing, maybe it is the promise of a bright sunny day?

I could use one.

In a few moments I will go down to my daughters house and take care of her critters.  She's off on one of her annual spring break adventures.  I love that she gives her girls and herself these memories and experiences.  Pretty sure she got that gene from her Papa.

He was always taking his girls and Momma on adventures.  And some of them were absolutely hysterical.  His wanderlust took us all over the globe.  I'm pretty sure my sweet Momma would have been pleased as punch to settle still, not that she didn't enjoy the adventures, but it sure would have been easier to raise us in one spot.

And no matter where in the world we stopped, it was an opportunity for exploration, immersion and learning.  My memories are getting a bit foggy and some of the stories I remember simply from hearing them repe…


I should be rushing about. 

I know that I am behind at work. I'm behind at home.  I'm just behind at life right now.

And I have zero energy or desire to be actively engaged. 

Everyone loses parents, loved ones, family and friends.

I have a million feelings fighting their way to the surface.  I always knew that I'd been blessed and never really had to deal with much loss. I've always had the dread of how I would deal with it when it finally snuck into my life.

I want to put on my big girl pants.  I want to actively be a grown up.  Today, I'm not feeling the grown up thing.  I'm feeling like a little girl that can't find a center point. I'm feeling lost.

I thought about sitting in my comfy chair while I took a few minutes to center myself.  To find my own middle ground, where I could balance where I am in my heart, with where I need to be in my world.  I couldn't do it.

I'm sitting at the island, surrounded by the overwhelming smell from the lili…