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thank you...

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It's quiet, Hubs and the boys are snoozing.

It's been an emotional day.

I'm worn.

I want to believe that this year and all the loss and changes haven't beaten me.  Some days I believe it.  Most... I just put on a smile and pretend.

The 2:30 am wake up call from work did not help matters.  On top of being emotional, my sleep got interrupted. Luckily, sweet Hubs knows that building inside and out and was able to help me deal with it.  I also realized for the first time in over a decade I'm in a building that I don't know.

It's unsettling.

I wasn't looking forward to taking Dad flowers.  I'm used to calling him on Veteran's day.  I'm used to calling and chatting, asking where he was going to go and get his free meals.  I hope they are serving something special in Heaven. As I knelt before that cold stone, my head resting on top, tears running down my face.  I felt all the pain wash over me again.  I doubt it will ever get easier.  Hours later,…

cough, cough... blowing away the cobwebs...

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Pretty sure that dust flew from the keyboard this morning when I opened blogger.  The past few months have been a bit crazy and chaotic. I'm not sure that I am past that point in my life, but the fact that I am sitting here with a cup of coffee, cold feet and my laptop on this cold, crisp, snow dusted fall morning feels pretty darn nice.

I'm wondering if Hubs is right, he keeps saying it is going to be a really brutal winter.  It's been a long time since I remember snow on the ground before Thanksgiving.  But this year has been an odd one all along.  We didn't get spring until well after summer had started and fall has been doing an odd dance with summer, neither one taking the lead and now it appears that winter is planning to cut in early.

I guess it goes well with a year full of heart ache, loss and turmoil.  It feels that this has been the longest year.  It started bitter, it's so hard to believe we have started the first holiday season since Dad passed.  I am…

in the silence...

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The rain has been falling for two days, it's so therapeutic for me.

Having spent most of my growing up years in Germany, I feel most centered and at home when it rains.  I love the sounds, smells and the feeling of the air.

I also enjoy the fact that it forces us to slow.  I have a book I want to read (I haven't started it yet, but I will), I started a project that means a great deal for my heart.  It's a gift, so I can't even show you a picture.  Starting that project gives me the permission that I find I desperately need to stop and slow down, to simply sit with Hubs and enjoy a show.  To allow the therapy of a needle and thread to still my thoughts and draw me into the beauty being created.

Yesterday was the monthly psychic fair at my favorite little shop in Maplewood.  I feel drawn to it each month, like a moth to a light.  I don't want to miss it. Something about that little shop makes me feel calm.  It instills a peace in me that I find I truly need in my lif…

a new beginning...

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I always consider September to be the start.  Something new, the traditional start of the year - as a new school year beings and the world starts to get ready for it's yearly slumber.  I have always considered it to be a beginning. This has been a year of beginnings.  That is how I am choosing to look at it.

It's semi quiet as I sit here this morning. Hubs is watching a movie in the man cave that I won't watch - it involves animals and I can't handle those.  Yet, I can hear snippets through the stairs.

Sitting here in the semi-silence, listening to both of my boys snore - their bellies full from their normal breakfast and a small helping of bacon, sipping my now cold coffee, I'm feeling a million emotions.

This year has been exhausting.  As September rolled in yesterday all I could think about was the fact that we are one month closer to saying good bye to 2018.  It's been a year of high emotions, pain, suffering, loss and struggles. Yes, there has been much b…

because there was Mike

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Good morning world...

Do you ever find that sometimes your "bucket" is running on low?  That there isn't enough good stuff to make it all make sense?

Working for the Y can be draining.  Not in a bad way, but in the sense that you are often outputting so much love and energy and you simply aren't sure if your life's work is truly making a difference.  Add to that the challenges of working at a true downtown Y, where most of the folks are not there to form relationships but to work on their goals.  They are just like the rest of us, ruled by the clock.  Rushing from point A to point B and squeezing in moments that celebrate their life goals.

There are normal challenges and events that make it seem like you are putting out fires and dealing with all of the idiosyncrasies of dealing with the public at large.

There are days that you question is it worth it.  Heck there are months were you wonder did I make the right career choice?

And then just when you feel like you&…

change...

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The sun is just starting to peek above the trees.  It's promising to be a hot and sunny day, radically different from the rains and storms of yesterday.  I honestly could handle another day like yesterday, we simply don't have enough of those. And personally I thrive on a dark, dreary stormy day.  Hubs is getting ready to go to work.  One of his branches is having a work day.  I have told him repeatedly to go easy, but knowing Hubs, he won't. One can hope. 
Today my should's and wanna's are fighting one another.  I know mentally, I need a "me" day.  I need to rest, reset and maybe just make some soap all day.  I'm trying to sort out how to make all the bits line up frankly.  I have work chores, home chores and wanna enjoy life activities.  And sadly, the same 24 hours as everyone else.
I've already done a couple of the chores, yes it's not even 7 am, yes I might be crazy. So I feel ultimately I will do a little on all of them.  A bit of a mix…

Exhaustion...

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Muscles hurt, deep down almost to the bone.

It's a good hurt.  The bone weary kind that comes from good honest hard work.

Hubs and I have been on a mission this weekend.  He spent so much time helping our girl.  She is changing her world around.  So many things that have needed done, she is tackling it all, mostly by herself.  We are a bit too busy to give her unlimited time. But we love being able to help her... we love sharing the joy of being family.


I chose this weekend to work on our home.  I've been struggling with so many things this year, that I think for a bit I just stopped caring.  No energy, no drive, no desire to participate in the day to day of life.

I spent 4 hours today simply doing laundry, ironing, sorting through closets and drawers.  It felt amazing. It felt like I was reconnecting with my life.  While I was gently pressing creases in Hubs work slacks and ironing what felt like a mountain of Harley shirts, he was busy helping our daughter remove a play set …