Sunday, August 30, 2020

this journey...

Good Morning!  

Did anyone else wake up to a beautiful "fall-esque" morning? I sure did.  It seems we might be moving into the part of the year where I thrive.  I have to say, I need it. I have been silent here and other places because I am not in a good place.

I am working hard to get back there.  I am fairly sure it will require more changes than I have already made.  I am very sad at the world today.  I am struggling with the things I am seeing.  The sadness is almost overwhelming at times. 

Friday at work was hard.  I'm leaving it at that.  The events do not matter the result did.  I was up for many hours after I finally got home.  I was unable to sleep.  My stress level was higher than it has ever been.  The experience had a profound impact on me. 

Many times in my life, I have experienced these kind of events.  They are usually my tipping point.  The time when God is speaking the loudest to me, telling me to give it to him, that I needn't worry myself.  

After much prayer on Friday night, trying to navigate my feelings and emotions, overcome with tears out of a mixture of anxiety, fear (mostly of the kind of world we are creating), sadness and frustration, I finally felt semi-calm.  An hour of meditation allowed me to finally rest.  I have turned it over to God.  He will lead me through the next part of my journey. 

On my drive home Friday, I dropped the top of my sweet little bug and savored the beauty around me. The moon was divinely bright, with an almost golden hue - not silvery at all.  I could see Mars and Venus shining bolder and brighter than the stars that they dwarfed. I didn't turn on music, I simply drove in silence.  I think that is when the processing started.  

I've been too overwhelmed to write. In fact I have been almost incapable of putting together a sentence or thought for quite some time now.  I wasn't able to find solace in any of the things that usually bring me great joy.  I've been going through the motions.  Checking off boxes that show I am alive.  Sleep... we'll give that one a half check, waking... double check there, moving through the day... okay check.  You get the point.  

I am fairly sure that most of the planet is with me on this.  We are all dealing with and processing what we have endured at varying places and through varying actions. We all have to find our way. 

I took a week off, a few of those days I simply checked out of life.  I puttered, I created, I spent time with the my sweet pup.  Hubs was visiting his sister.  I was numb to life. 

I've been looking at life through a different lens for over a week now.  I guess that is what made Friday so profound. In the peace and tranquility, I started to realize all of the hurt, suffering, angst, and overwhelming need for grace all around me. I started to realize that globally we needed to heal, that we simply all need a bit more love, compassion, understanding and faith. 


I made my team some Yep's.  It was me being silly as that was the acronym for a new program we are starting tomorrow in an attempt to serve the people around us. I also wanted to see them smile. It worked. Yesterday as I was struggling still with the profound sadness and sense of loss that Friday left me with, I picked up the remaining yarn and a hook and sat listening to some podcasts and made 21 reusable water balloons for next years camp. The thread sliding through my fingers provided a stillness that was needed. 


I was feeling balanced, enjoying the cool breezes and rest.  

A few phone calls and emails later, the anger and angst returned. 

Again, after much time in prayer and meditation, I slept.  

The fact that I can say I slept is powerful.  That is two full nights of sleep.  It has been so very long since that was the norm.  For months on end I have slept fitfully, tossing, turning, waking, having horrible dreams and living a life filled with restlessness. 

This morning I woke up to the sun rising in the east and a pup anxious to go outside.  Normally, I wake up in the dark, jarred awake by nightmares.  It was so refreshing.  After walking outside, regretting my decision to not put on a sweatshirt, I felt energetic and alive. 


I spent an hour cooking Neeko's breakfast and working in my beautiful tree top garden. 














I snipped the marigold heads, remembering as a child Mom and Dad showing us how when they were teaching us how to grow things in our little garden plot.  I can't remember where it was, what we grew, or even if we grew things successfully.  I do remember snipping marigold flowers that had finished blooming, to prepare for the years yet to come. 


I will let them finish drying and then package them up.  Mom has been wanting marigolds for a few years now and never seems able to find them.  I will be sure to send her a package for her garden next year. 

Last weekend I made some pepper jellies from my garden, I will probably make a couple more today.  We love them and that way even in the dead of winter, we will be able to enjoy the flavors of summer.  I am hoping the ones I harvest today will have a bit more bite, the one's last weekend had to have help from some I purchased at the store, they were mild, with no bite. 



As I was snipping those flowers and caring for my precious veggies (even the carrots have decided to grow!), I felt an overwhelming need to write.  The words kept coming together in my head.  My desire to tidy my kitchen and work on things I needed to get done was pushed violently aside by the words rushing around in my head, looking for a way out. 

I'm still deeply saddened by the world we are living in.  I cannot comprehend some of the absolute vileness that I am witnessing.  I don't know that I am in the right place at the right time.  I am feeling more strongly every day that I am not.  Yet I have faith that the Lord will put me where I am supposed to be. 

I am a firm believer that if something feels wrong to your heart and soul, it is not for you.  I am wondering if that is where I am now.  I guess time is going to tell.  

Thank you for being here for me.  



Wednesday, August 5, 2020

healing...

... wow, it has been a very long time since I have written. I just haven't had it in my heart.  There was no room for much of anything as I navigated my thoughts, feelings, emotions and concerns. 

So much has happened in 2020.  It's been full of chaos, uncertainty, fear, anger and so many other things. I have been learning, growing and expanding my own consciousness. I have been silent on social media, in life, I have had very little contact that was required for me to exist. 

I am healing.  I am not the same person I was when I started this year.  Many things that were important... they no longer matter. That doesn't mean the people don't. Slowly I am adding people and things back into my bubble.  I am just being very careful as to how I do that. 

Yesterday started my 55th journey.  

So much has changed.  So many things are different.  My lens has changed.  Dramatically.  One of the reason's I haven't written.  I am still processing my thoughts, studies, the information I am weeding through. No one needed to be completely part of that process.  My poor hubs has probably felt I am a bit off my rocker, but in true Hubs fashion has followed the path and journey with me. 

I am filled with love and hope for our world, I am grateful for the amazing people that are traveling on my journey with me.  I firmly believe that God brings you the people you need when you need them most.  I am blessed by many.  Grateful for their love, energy, thoughts and prayers.  

2020... You are definitely a year to remember.  I am not sure that I will continue this blog. It may have run its course and filled it's place in my life, I am still working through it.  In fact I am considering a different platform... a new journey. I haven't decided.  I am still working through this portion of who I am and the journey that I wish to continue.  To me 55 is a bigger milestone than 50 was.  It's a turning point in my head. 

This morning as I prepared to return to work, I found myself choosing to wear colors that are completely not me.  My daughter gave me a beautiful dress that I would have never bought myself.  I am loving the light and airiness of it.  The colors and style are liberating.  I'm definitely not wearing my signature black.  It was a choice.  I like it. 

I needed these 5 days of nothingness.  I feel refreshed and ready for this moment.  Not excited about the a/c situation awaiting me, but... 

Thank you all for being a part of my journey.  Thank you for filling those holes in my life when I have needed it.  And thank you for allowing me to be your bridge when you weren't able to do it yourself. 

I am not promising that I will be back.  I am still deep in prayer and meditation about where my journey is going. But I will completely keep you in my heart forever, regardless where this journey takes me... 

Friday, April 3, 2020

I can't...

The sunrise...

As I was busy fixing Hub's breakfast muffins yesterday this was my view.  He was sleeping in.  For him to be sleeping so soundly, I knew he was exhausted.  In a few moments the house would fill with the warmth of cinnamon and ginger, it would wake him.

Yet standing there finishing up I glanced out the window, it faces due east and the views are always so calming and beautiful.  The sunrise was breathtaking. A true promise that we woke up yet again and we are given another chance to be the wonderful humans that we are.

Watching the sunset last night was just as amazing. As was the beautiful night sky that followed.


Wednesday was by far the hardest day I have ever experienced at work. In my entire life.  I had to tell the majority of my incredible Y family that they were being temporarily laid off.  Yes, most will get unemployment, but it doesn't make up for that sense of loss.  Their pride took the hit, their sense of worth. Each of them is very valued and loved. It was devastating.

I was an emotional mess.  My heart was shattering with each conversation.  The harder part is that I had to do most of it over the phone.  This social distancing is horrible. I could hear the silence, I couldn't see if there were questions I needed to answer, support that I was not able to offer. It was wrenching.

Yesterday was a tad easier.  I was able to speak to all of my team at some point.  Things are not great, but they are, I am so blessed to have them all in my life.

I am thankful that this week is almost over.  I need a few days to stop.  To unplug and to simply be.  To allow my heart and spirit a chance to breath.

I have allowed so much negativity lately to enter my space.  I am finding myself snoozing people on social media, refusing to make myself available for the naysayers and doomsday bell ringers.  I am also finding myself refusing to further engage with those that are self centered and refuse to see past that.

I firmly believe in free speech.  In each of us having the ability to voice where we are and what our personal thoughts and beliefs are.  And I will celebrate you and your beliefs.  Yet, I am finding myself putting up emotional walls to people that refuse to be fluid and refuse to be part of any solution because it doesn't work for them.

I have to admit, I am not loving having so many freedoms taken away.  I am not loving having to look around me and make sure that people are distant from me.  In fact, I'm hating it pretty hard.  I am a hugger, I cherish being able to offer comfort in times of distress, I will share my energy with anyone that truly needs it.  So some of this is very difficult for me.

Flip side of that, I am definitely an introvert and enjoy my own private space.  I find sheer joy in my mediation time, in creating, in simply being.

And I am realizing I need to find more time to meditate and be okay with people that lack concern for others. I keep seeing the meme's about not bringing your entire family on your shopping trip.  I will tell you I was terrified the other day when I did venture out to pick up scripts at the sheer number of people that are bringing their entire families shopping.  Their kids are running around the stores, babies are mouthing the handles of the carts - even if it doesn't have the virus on it, I am sickened to thing of how much sanitizer has been applied to it.

As one of those folks that is still working I can tell you I feel very blessed.  I come into contact with very few people.  I am not excited for when I have to.  I remember case number 1 here in the county I live in... it was only a few weeks ago, March 9th to be exact.  I remember the outrage because the family members of patient number 1 attended a school event.  How selfish, how self-entitled.  They were horrible people.  I mean come on it made national news.

Fast forward to April 3, not even a month later, in the county alone there are 663 cases and so far 6 deaths. It isn't that this virus is killing at a rampant rate, but it is spreading pretty darn fast.  What it is doing is stopping people from working (no for most of them it is not a paid holiday), it will overwhelm medical facilities (how many other important medical issues are not being dealt with properly?), it is showing us the very selfish side of many. 

Sorry, this might not be an accurate view, but from my seat, it is my view.  Because of thought processes like, it won't happen to me, it's an old people problem (actually - I'm not old and in the county I live in my age group is at the highest risk), I'm not 6 - don't tell me what to do, if we are all feet apart it won't make me sick, I don't want to ask for help... I truly could go on.

They are closing our parks this weekend.  How sad is that.  They have to close public parks.  Why, because even though there is yellow caution tape around the playground equipment, families are still taking their children to play on it.  They are all sitting around socializing while their children are playing together.  They are not staying home.

Evidently, now that there are more cases and more people potentially exposed it's no longer terrible for them to be out in the general population?  It's no longer a national media event to potentially expose other people? How is this behavior any less callus and self centered than the Daddy/Daughter Dance?  Or the trips to have coffee before they knew?

So many people are being hurt by this selfish mentality.  Maybe they aren't getting sick, maybe they never will.  I pray that is the case.

The people that are out there working to allow us access to essentials, guess what, most of them would rather be home safe with their families too.  Everyday I hear of another grocery, food, medical, emergency service, essential employee becoming ill.

I am disengaging from the people that are in sheltered areas feeling they are the only ones being inconvenienced and harmed by this hot mess that is not just our country - it's the whole darn planet.  All across the globe people are hurting, people are losing their livelihoods, family members are dying (not just from Covid 19) that are dying alone and cannot have funerals. 

If you are blessed to stay home.  Well stay home.  If you need groceries or essential supplies - there are many folks willing to help so that you can be home and safe.  That you can protect your precious babies - even if you are a single parent.

I am meditating and praying that at some point we can come together for the greater good.  So that we can stop passing this crap around, so that people can go back to work, so that they can do so many of the things that for a brief moment they can't.

We as a species should be doing better. 

Sorry if this is a rant.  Frankly, I am tired of biting my tongue and allowing people to snap at me and other's virtually.  People that are going out for essential jobs each day deserve a bit more respect.

I'm going to try and go find the beauty and joy in this day.  I am going to reach out to people that are hurting and see if I can find a way to make it better.  I really wish we all would.  I am tired of hearing the negative.  It's harming us more than the illness.  It would be incredible if everyone took a moment to find something good that they could do for the good of others, every single day. 

Can you imagine that beauty?




Sunday, March 29, 2020

disconnect...

It was dark and dreary yesterday.  There was rain coming as I woke up early in the morning, wait is 3 am morning or is it still night?  Regardless, I was up super early.  Wide eyed and ready to tackle the day.  As I was laying there reflecting on all the reasons I should go back to sleep, my mind drifted to all the reasons to not go to sleep.

It slowly occurred to me that it is the end of March, somehow it flew past.  I remember walking in the warm morning air as March started.  I remember thinking about the appropriate gift for my sweet baby girl's birthday mid-month.  I remember as the sun shone on my face the old saying... March come's in like a lamb it goes out like a lion or vice versa rushing through my mind.  And thinking, well I guess we will have storms at the end of the month.

I'm gonna say that this year, March has shown us it means business! I am not even sure that a lion exists that wants to claim this mess!  That week was such a defining moment... it came in with a time change - yep still hate it.  There was a full moon and it ended with a Friday the 13th.  As a general rule, I love Friday the 13th.  I've never found it to be a bad day, I might have to rethink my thought process.

Yet today dawned cool but brilliant. I gently awoke to the sound of the wind, it was raging and pushing the impact of yesterday far to the east.


Sitting here on the last weekend of this crazy month, I have a million things running through my mind.  A million thoughts that have me stressed and concerned. Another million that are bringing me calm.

I've been listening to a bunch of pod-casts and YouTube shows.  Seeking understanding, guidance and knowledge.  Nope I cannot tell you what the most popular show is, I have no idea.  Even as I am curled up in my favorite chair, earbuds in listening to music in 852 Hz.  I am not sure how I discovered these beautiful tones, but I am absolutely thankful that I have.  They are so refreshing and calming to me.  They are lighting up my world in a weird way, I almost crave the sound.  And if you know me, that is just downright strange.  I am the quiet person.  I do not thrive with noise.

It's been a weekend of pleasant diversions.  I haven't been on the computer, hardly at all.  We took Neeko for 4 walks yesterday and one already today, he is absolutely loving the parents being home.


I haven't felt the need to get in the car, to experience anything I cannot get to unless walking.  This morning, after energy work and meditation, I enjoyed hot coffee with Hubs before we took Neeks for his morning stroll.  We needed, no scratch that, we wanted a couple of things from the grocery store, so I shoved my folding grocery bag into my hoodie pocket and off we went.  There was no hurry, no rushing forward.  We simply strolled.  It was beautiful, but cool.  Neeko was loving the new view and smells.  And we simply chatted and observed the quiet peacefulness around us.


I have been cooking meals for us again.  It is wonderful to imagine what I want to make and then start cooking.  Last night the dreary, cold called for a spicy pot of chickpea curry.  The kind that warms you to your toes.  Brunch today were vegan breakfast burritos.  And right now the house is filled with the scent of the granola that I am baking to make the crust for my first ever attempt at cheesecake.  I have to admit the irony is pretty darn sweet.  Who waits until they become a vegan to decide to try making cheesecake?

I have been enjoying the weekend.  I have given myself permission to unplug and focus within.  I had to.  If I hadn't, I am fairly positive that the absolute stress of the past week would have shut me down completely.

I spent more time in panicked tears and melt down mode last week than I have in a very, very long time.  I would have to say in almost 18 years.  This truly feels even bigger than the change I went through then and that almost destroyed me.  I can never allow that to happen again.


I am sure I am not alone.  These times are unprecedented. So much is changing and super fast.  Many of us, I am not alone, are worried about jobs, homes, paying bills and providing for our families. Working for a not for profit means that we don't have lots of extra money laying around for things no one ever dreamed of happening.  The reality is that Hubs and I might be required to take time off without pay. That is unbelievably stressful.

And last week, it was dragging me down like an anchor on my soul.  I was struggling hard. I'm still concerned.  It will be tough for us if it happens.  But we can and will survive it.

What this quiet weekend has taught me.  That I am stronger than any of that.  I needed the time to go deep inside to meditate, to putter around my house, to think and process.  I am not even remotely going to lie when I say that I am enjoying the shorter days.  The time to cherish all the things I am forever putting aside.  Taking long walks with my boy and Hubs.  They are rushed to squeeze into my day.  They are an intentional beautiful part of my day.

We have a new neighbor down the street that Hubs has been spending a lot of time getting to know.  He's a county officer.  After speaking with him about the stress of everything and how much he was looking forward to enjoying his two days off at home, we decided to create a small care package.  This has to be even more stressful for him right now.  A couple of small bottles of Jack Single barrel, a few bars of homemade soap, a homemade candle and of course due to the times a roll of TP with a simple thank you note.  I have to say that putting that together filled my heart with so much love and joy.

I was puttering in my sewing room and found my favorite skirt, tucked aside years ago, our beautiful Amber chewed a hole in it as a puppy.  She's been gone a long time now. It was back when we barely had two nickles to rub together.  I'd started to repair it, and never finished.  I stuck it in the mending pile and moved on.  Yesterday I started working on it again.  Enjoying the slow rhythmic motion of the needle as I fixed it. It will take a bit more time.

Use it up, use it out, make it do or do without.

That used to be a favorite line.

Maybe there was a reason.  I cannot control what is happening.  I can only control my reaction to it.  If I fight it, I will suffer.  If I learn and flow with it, I will grow.  Bet you can't guess what my plan is?

How is everyone doing?  Are you okay?  How are you growing and learning?

Friday, March 27, 2020

patience...

Anyone else feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz?  That moment with the Good Witch tells her while looking at her beautiful ruby slippers... "you've had the power all along".  I am a complete fan of the Wizard of Oz, I have seen all the movies, read the book, and actually own most of the Wicked series.  In my office there is a beautiful ruby cup that says sometimes you have to put the hat on and show them who they are dealing with.

I definitely admit to having a small obsession. But that isn't the meaning of this blog.  I was scrolling through Facebook this morning.  Looking for the uplifting and fun posts that I knew would be there. I came across a post from a friend referring to gas prices and making the comment that "we had the power all along". 

It resonated with me.

We have had the power all along.  We just haven't had the will and desire.

I wrote a post yesterday.  It was light and full of energy. I hadn't gotten it finished before walking Neeko, so I decided to take some pictures of the beautiful morning to put in.  It was a glorious morning.  Beautiful.  Sun shining, tree's budding, a brilliant blue sky.  It made my morning perfect.

And then, just as quickly the rain rolled in.  Physically and metaphorically.  The clouds darkened before I could even get on my first conference call.  By the time I logged in there was the roll of thunder and huge splashes of rain blurring the beauty.  Making it hazy and hard to see. And as I started opening email my bright optimistic mood started to dim.

My energy card was strategy yesterday, it was telling me to plan.  I was struggling to understand the path it was asking me to see.

Later in the day, as the sky was brightening once again.  With the temperatures rising and the sound of people out walking and moving about, things that normally lift my heart.  I had sunk to a low that felt impossible to climb out of. 

My light and loving post, had never been posted.  I simply couldn't find it in me to even edit it.  My mood was black, my energy stolen and I was feeling defeated.

Words and actions are powerful. Anyone that knows me, knows that I come from a place of honesty and pure truth.  I will not ever be deceitful, heck I don't even get invited to participate in pranks - I suck at it.  So when I am surrounded by cloak and dagger, half truths and evasion.  I also don't do well with stuck in a hole, closed mindsets. I struggle HARD!

None of us knows what the path ahead looks like.  I am doing my level best to uplift and shine loving light on everyone.  I struggle when people that I love and trust cannot return that same energy.

I was afraid that I would not sleep again last night.  I was empty.  I needed the rest, I knew it.  But I also knew where my heart was, and worse yet, where my head was.


I decided to visit a couple of pages on Facebook that I knew would fill me with hope if there was any to be had.  And sure enough, one of them had a message that I felt was spoken directly to me. I allowed myself to read it a few times, to focus on the words. 

Climbing the stairs I was still lost in thought about it.  I normally do not meditate at night, usually it is my morning routine.  After the search through my crafting room had not netting me any more of the soft pale alpaca wool to spin, and listening to several podcasts. I decided I may as well try.

I'd only put in guided meditation - because frankly I was too frazzled to lead myself - and there it was.  It had only been posted that morning.  "Guided Meditation Before Sleep.  Let Go of Fear in Uncertain Times".  It was from the same channel that some of my favorite sleep music comes from so... yep, gave it a try.

It was the best meditation that I have had since the beginning of February at The Peace Place. Thirty minutes flew by and took my stress with it.  I felt so peaceful and calm inside.  So loved by all that is. 

Each of us has our own way of dealing with things.  This is mine. 

As the world is slowing and changing some folks are reacting in negativity and anger.  Some of reacting with fear.  The universe is truly calling on us to lean into the changes.  So many red flags have been up for a long, long time. I was talking with Hubs this morning, sharing with him my beliefs (which FYI collide hard with his good Catholic upbringing) that we have been individually asking the universe for things without realizing it.

I have asked for more time.  Feeling rushed and frazzled.  Mourning the loss of precious disconnectedness in a world that is far too connected and demanding. I was still going about my life.  Just like everyone else.  I was still running hither and yon. 

And now. 

My phone is silent in the morning, work isn't begging for my attention. I don't feel guilty taking the time to meditate, do energy exercises, walk my dog, or blog.  At 5 pm, I am shutting off my computer.  My phone only rings with loved ones, dear friends. I am treasuring the silence. The peace.

I know people are mourning some of their favorite activities. The physical connection.  This is for but a moment in time.  I saw that someone connected yesterday with a Bible verse.  The numbers lined up the same.  Telling us to isolate. Until it passed.

Soon enough we will join each other face to face.  Soon enough we will laugh, play and celebrate.

Patience.  A new day will dawn.
.

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

is everyone okay?

Just checking in... How is everyone doing?  Here in my corner of the mid-west a stay at home order is in effect.  I still go to my branch occasionally through out the week, but mostly I need to work from home right now. 

I didn't write yesterday.  

I overslept - something I rarely do.  I felt stressed and flustered because of it.  I wasn't ready to start working at 8, heck barely made it by 9.  As I didn't wake up until 8:10 and still had to walk the dog, brush my teeth, drink coffee (I simply do not understand how folks function without a steaming cup of heaven each morning - or 4... ). The fact that my employer is trusting me to work from home, the me inside - the people pleaser - was completely focused on making sure he got a full 8 hours minimum of dedicated work.  I want to honor that trust.  To not make them feel I am a waste of money at a time like this. 

That is simply who I am.  It's not right, it's not wrong.  It's simply me. 

Honestly that part of me is what caused a long and sleepless night.  Terrified that I would not wake up in time to go to the branch as I have said I will be the one there today.  I am tired.  Bone tired.  If I believe my Fitbit, I only slept a grand total of 4 hours.  I went to bed at 9.  How is that possible?

I am worried about people that are part of my team.  I am worried about what all of this will mean to them, I am also worried about my own personal future.  The realist that lives in my brain would NOT shut up last night.  Nothing was helping. 

We are all on this journey, at different places and in different times.  That means that just as one is coming to terms another is falling apart.  The unending changes and fluidity of what the entire globe is facing is stressful.  

I firmly believe we will come out of all of this whole.  Just as firmly as I believe that things will never be the same.  Maybe some of the strain is the fact that many are grieving what is gone.  They are in that stage of loss?  I don't know.  I can only speak for myself. 

Each day I wake up a bit stronger in my own convictions.  And a bit less sure of anything outside of my home, family and close friends. 

I am working hard to only have uplifting and positive things surrounding me.  I will admit that I have snoozed more things on Facebook than I haven't.  I need the link to the good.  I need to walk away from the negativity and divisiveness. I am not asking people to stop believing what they believe.  That is each person's right and belief.  I just don't have the time or energy to expend on falsehoods, negative energy, hatred or inflicted pain.  

I am working to keep my personal energy high.  I am working on the inside.  Not the inside of my home (whew - although it needs it) but on the inside of my heart and on soul work.  I am finding more time spent in silence and meditation.  I am laughing more, smiling more, seeking out those that are willing and able to do that with me. 

I can't change anything external right now.  I can't even really protect my team, which is what my nature calls me to do.  I can only change who I am inside and how I choose to react to things.  I don't care about anyone's politics, I don't want to hear the news except for facts, I want to find my own way through this jungle that we are now in.  I want to find love in my heart to send out into the universe.  I want to be the one to dry tears and offer a safe space as we navigate these waters. 

I firmly believe that how we treat ourselves and one another is the defining moment.  The love and grace that we give is what will be remembered.  Okay and some people will probably never forget that they could not find toilet paper.  I had an amazing time laughing about that yesterday with one of our seniors.  She had some interesting suggestions if anyone needs some. 

Be good to yourself.  Check in with your heart.  Are you meeting your own needs?  If not, start there.  Take a long hot shower each day, or maybe a soak in the tub.  Try to find that quiet time.  You know where you put down the electronics, you turn off the television.  Dust off an old hobby that has lain dormant.  I was talking with one of my team yesterday and she'd mentioned that she started a cross stitch pattern.  Something she hadn't done in years. And the peace that she had found doing so.  Do something that requires focus.  It will require you to stop worrying, stressing and resisting and allow you to simply be. Cook a meal to share with your family.  If you live alone... have a virtual dinner party with dear friends. 


Find ways to connect... one of my dearest friends is hosting a virtual happy hour each day.  It is after all still birthday month.  I am concerned that participation could lead to a slight drinking problem by the time this is over... but the laughter it is bringing me... well... I'll take my chances. 

My sweet Neeko crashed a virtual meeting with my safety team.  He was tired of mom sitting with the computer on her lap and not paying attention to him.  

We've been exchanging group chat's that have full of laughter and jokes.  Find ways to simply be!

Well, it's time for me to pack my lunch and get ready to just go be somewhere else.... I am sending love and light to you.  

Monday, March 23, 2020

gratitude...

This moment in time is feeling a bit strange.  It's feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I am getting ready to head to work.  The stay at home order doesn't go into effect until 11:59 pm tonight.  I can be away from people and still work.

I am having so many mixed emotions about right and wrong. I can't see a clear path.  I'm trying.  When I said that we were doing the COVID shuffle, I meant it.  And I think all of us are doing it in more ways than one. 

Mentally, we are definitely doing a cha-cha.  Physically, holy crap!  We went out briefly yesterday.  Hub's scripts were ready and I wanted to get them before the full fledged panic of today kicked in.

Let's be reasonable here, the stores have no food on the shelves, panic had already set in.  But just the fact that people know they will be confined to their homes after midnight tonight... well that is going to add a whole new level of crazy.

I feel that we would not have gotten to this point if people had just stopped.  Listened to the requests, stayed 6 feet apart.  As Hubs was standing at the pharmacy counter yesterday a woman literally leaned over him and asked the pharmacist a question.  That not only violates the 6 foot request, but it really violates HIPPA laws.  His medical stuff, is his business and his alone.  We have simply become a society that doesn't feel common decency applies to us.

So, in order to be a good steward of my energies and to help myself through this journey, I have opted to focus on the positive.  The things that I am grateful for. 

I am grateful for so much. 

I am grateful today for a husband that loves and celebrates my idiosyncrasies.  He doesn't blink twice when I walk the house with smoking sage.  Purifying the very air which we are breathing.  He understands all the things that makes me who I am. 

The other day I asked him if my beliefs and actions concerned him, as they are a bit counter to his own.  If he'd regretted marrying someone that is a bit odd by societies standards. He just laughed.  And said nope, I assumed I was marrying a witch when I married you, so nothing you do surprises me.  I am not a witch (most days), I cannot wiggle my nose and make things happen.  I do deeply trust my intuition and things I somehow just know.  He's learned to do that also.

I am grateful for his understanding that I am a creative soul and I vibrate the highest when I am able to create in many mediums and styles.  He built me a fire to combat the cold and chill of the air yesterday.  He helped me to create my own little nest in my sitting room (yes it is ours, but I claim it!).  He gave me space and peace to listen to music that cleanses and calms my soul.  He kept my coffee cup filled and showered me with love.

I think he knew that I have been in a struggle spot.  And knew intuitively how to help me heal.

I am thankful that one of the gifts he's given me is my spinning wheel.  We couldn't afford it at the time.  I was happy with my drop spindles.  But he wasn't interested in hearing what I was saying. 


Yesterday for hours the smooth alpaca wool slid though my fingers.  I have met the alpaca this wool came from.  She is a true beauty.  I felt blessed and honored to spin her wool into a soft yarn.  To know that I will make something delightful with it. I don't know that I have enough to make a sweater, but maybe a scarf and hat set?  We shall see. 

I was a million miles from this plane yesterday.  The embers of the fire crackling, the warmth from the hot coffee, the tactile calming of that soft fiber.  The rhythmic motion of the treadle pedals spinning my wheel.

As I wandered mindlessly through the task I'd decided to do, I felt calm.  I felt grace.  I felt immense gratitude. 

During this crazy time, when the world is slowing, when life is rapidly changing.  I challenge each of you to find the grace to love, the courage to be grateful, and the love to support others through what is a very unsure and frightening time.

I posted yesterday that everything is as it should be.  I firmly believe that.  There is nothing to fear.  Fear is one of the lowest of energies, don't give in. Be grateful, thankful and live in love! 

this journey...

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