I feel like this is a year of growth and exploration for me.   I guess when it starts as awful as it did, there truly is no where to go but up.  At least not for me.

I'm branching out and exploring things that I never considered before, or maybe considered, but truly never had the courage to act on.  I am deepening my relationship with myself.

I guess I am healing.

In that process of healing I am also prioritizing like I haven't done in... well I started to say decades, but I am not sure that I have ever done it.

I've always been willing to let others take control over my life journey.  Kind of drifting along and moving at whatever pace someone else set for me.  Whether it was frantic or relaxed.  I've never made me and my wants, needs and dreams a priority.

My trip to LA at the beginning of the summer was a bit spontaneous for me.  I usually do not take trips on short notice.  I don't do much on the spur of the moment.  I weigh and measure every action.

But sitti…


Just over two years ago Hubs and I embarked on a journey that was important to him.  I was not impressed, in fact I was a bit upset.  I am definitely not a joiner - and he insisted I become a joiner.  It was a small group.  An intimate setting and a calm environment.  It was not something I wanted to do, but out of love for him and because I'd just received the results of my annual physical and been diagnosed as pre-diabetic (something I am not even sure I shared with hubs) I agreed.

Initially we did fantastic, then things like Hubs hurting his back, me taking on a huge task at my Y (I mean if you consider closing a 93 year old Y and opening a new one a huge task.  I might just be being a wimp). But for 6 months we were hitting all of our bench marks, we lost that first initial 7% in no time at all.  Between the two of us we'd lost in excess of 70 pounds, both of us were in a much better place physically.

Then life happened.  In the hustle and bustle of living we lost the ene…

up, up and away...

36,000 feet above the earth. 

The view is breathtaking and terrifying at the same time. 

I definitely try to not be a white knuckle flyer.  Note I said try.  The fact that I am able to lose myself in my blog is probably going to make this a much easier trip. In just short of three hours I will be landing at LAX.  Off for a summer adventure with the kids in LA.  It's been over two years and I have missed them so much.  I know they were just home for Christmas.  But I haven't had the chance to be out there and enjoy being a part of his world.

I know I've been a bit silent lately.  I've been working on getting my balance back.  It's been a tough journey. And each time I feel like I am feeling centered, I get reminded that I am not. The little things that shouldn't unbalance me, do.  The major things that should tend to just make me shut down.  This journey is not at all what my mind had scripted for me.

Yesterday wasn't scheduled to be a vacation day for me. …

father's day...


Hubs and I took flowers to the cemetery.  It was the hardest day since we had his service, since we lost him. I thought I was ready.  I thought I was prepared for what waited for me.

I was ready to leave the flowers at the little post with his name on top.  That didn't seem so hard.  It was going to make me sad, just like it did on memorial day.  But it was tolerable. I could handle it.

I was wrong.  Today it wasn't the little post.  His stone came in.  It had replaced that "temporary" marker. It was permanent. It was carved in stone.

Where his stone lies is up a bit on the hill, I had only walked up two rows when I saw it.  Sparkling in the sunshine. Shimmering. I could see his name from all that distance.

I'm not sure how I made it up the rows.  I couldn't see through the tears falling.  My knees were getting weak.  I was in a place I've never been.  A part of my heart died when he left us. I've spent a lot of time making sense of what has p…

tuning in...

I'm awake.

Sitting in my sitting room in my favorite blue chair.  Gator has been a barking fool this morning, evidently loving the sound of his own powerful deep voice.  He woke up in puppy mode.  At first I was snarly.  I was exhausted, I didn't sleep well last night and had finally fallen deeply asleep to be woken up.

I was snarly at the noise that stirred me, snarly at my sweet Hubs that hadn't taken him for a walk to allow me to sleep.  I do that for him when he's exhausted and in my initial moments awake that was all I could think of.

I heard a phrase yesterday that I cannot get out of my head.  "We're all tuned into WIFM. What's in it for me."  That is where I was.  I am fairly certain I snarled down the stairs to let Hubs know I was going to walk Gator.  It hadn't entered penetrated my self fogged self yet that there was no way he could hear my sweet bucket mouth talking on the main floor over the show he was engrossed in.

I only semi-list…

embracing slow...

Hubs and I are lounging out on the deck.  The sun hasn't invaded yet, but the pristine blue sky is shimmering overhead.  There is a beautiful breeze and he's playing soft music while enjoying his cigar.  Me?  I'm lost in a million different thoughts, ideas and plans.  Perfectly content to sit out here in our "tree house".  If I was alone I wouldn't be playing music, but I know it soothes him.  I'm focusing on the rustling of the leaves, the birds chirping and all the myriad sounds of nature.

I wasn't ready to cook, I wanted to enjoy some of the early morning beauty.  So I fixed us each a bowl of sweet watermelon to have with our morning coffee.

I haven't checked Facebook all morning, it's been too perfect of a day for me to need the daily uplifting of all the positive sites I follow.  It's been peaceful.  Centered.  Yet when I checked it I was greeted with a memory.  From a time when I made time for important things.

"the peaceful qui…

pause, reflect, move...

Driving to yet another meeting yesterday morning I was mesmerized by a man in the lane next to me.  I have no idea who he was, in fact I couldn't identify him today unless he was sitting in his GMC conversion van, in the same shirt, with is coffee held just so. It wasn't him that held my interest.

In the midst of rush hour traffic, everyone driving insanely, intent on getting where they are going and looking half asleep, there was this old slightly beat up white GMC conversion van just rolling along.  He wasn't in a hurry, the windows were all rolled down, and he had the look of someone with no where special to be and no hurry to get there. 

He looked to be about Hubs age, dressed for a casual day in his Hawaiian shirt.  The canoe on the roof provided evidence to my fantasy that he was simply chilling.  Leaning slightly forward on the big steering wheel, coffee cup casually to his lips, wind blowing his short gray hair.  He looked at peace with the world.

I was in awe an…