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a new path

The base of my head is throbbing, it's been that way for a few weeks now.

My arms are heavy, my leg is swelling and my exhaustion factor is completely through the roof.

Yep, my fibro is racing towards a full blown flare.  Doc confirmed it yesterday.  Slow down.  Rest more. Can you pass off some of your stressers? Yoga? Hot baths with Epsom salt?

Can I?

Honestly, I'm surprised I made it this far.  The way this year has gone, I'm surprised it didn't tackle me and lay me out months ago. In the almost three months since Dad has been gone so much has happened.  There haven't been quiet moments.  There hasn't been any down time.

I'm sitting in the quiet of my living room.  It's dark and comforting in the silence.

I'm worn.

I've found myself on the verge of tears too many times in the past few days.  Not truly sure why, but deep down knowing it's a mix of mental and physical exhaustion.  Too much without the tools to absorb it or the strength to ba…

my tribe...

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Walking the boys this morning, we got to enjoy a beautiful sunrise.  Each of us only have so many in our lifetime if we are blessed and I enjoy each one as much as each sunset.  I did not bring my camera so I wasn't able capture the rare beauty we saw.

One Tin Soldier - The Original Caste

I'm going to show my age a bit here... this song from the 60's talks about a kingdom on a mountain.

Where we live, rivers have been carving out bluffs and valleys for millennium. We live and walk our dogs at the top of one of those "mountains" and in the distance to the east is another one.  As the sun rose this morning, it was a glorious mixture of pink, red, gold and white.  The foggy mist from the valley in between made the distant bluff look even more majestic than usual.  The spirals rising appeared to be a long forgotten kingdom on a mountain and the darn song has been in my head ever since.

It was cool and pleasant so we strolled at a pretty leisurely pace.  Gator was his…

making a life...

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When the wind picks up it's almost refreshing out.  Without it, it's just hot and muggy.  I am so not a fan of this Midwest climate. It's going to be another hot one today.  Not really my thing, but at least it will keep me inside and allow me to complete some of the things I have been longing to do... or not...

I've had the olive oil and dandelions infusing at a soft boil for the past two hours.  The dandelion tea is done.  I was incredibly excited to make a batch of soap. I cleaned up the kitchen and got it ready for some serious soaping.  And as it's nice and not raining, I am planning on a batch or two of bath bombs. 

But now I am simply feeling a bit bummed out.  I didn't catch it until it heated that the olive oil had gone rancid.  It smells awful! I don't want my beautiful soap to smell like that.  I did the research, everything says I can still use it, just need to super saponify or I can wash it in brine to remove the scent. Super saponification i…

dandelions...

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Ugghhh... two weeks ago it was still cold and we were shivering.

It seemed that spring was never going to come.  In fact I was actually considering moving south.

Me.

South.

I know.  The absolute insanity of that is a bit mind boggling.

Then blink, turn a corner, open the door and suddenly summer.

We absolutely skipped spring this year.  All the trees are in full bloom, flowers everywhere, and oh yeah, the heat.  It went from cold and shivery to hot and humid almost overnight.

And oddly, I'm not hating it.  I mean, I am not at all loving it.  But, it isn't hot enough yet to say I'm hating it.

Hubs and I have been trying to enjoy family a bit more. We spent yesterday evening enjoying our daughter, grand daughters and her friends.  It was silly and fun, a nice evening in the cool breeze laughing and enjoying nothingness.  It was well needed.

I decided this morning that I want to make dandelion soap.  Walking the boys seeing so many dandelion's I felt confident the bees w…

my journey...

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As I am exploring my own journey, I am finding myself seriously questioning many things about our modern world.

My Dad's death has really put a laser focus on things for me.  We didn't see it coming, not at first.  There were many things we still wanted to do, places to go, dinners to have, holiday's to celebrate.

Listening to the news here in St. Louis this past week has been incredibly sobering.  So many deaths.  A man celebrating his birthday - a newlywed with two young children. Gone.  A fourteen and a sixteen year old.  Gone.  What kind of society are we creating? 

I am starting to look at things in a very different light.  I've truly enjoyed my week off.  I've had relaxing time with my family.  This weekend, even though the reason was sad, I spent time with all of my sisters and my mom.  I have spent hours creating.  And even more hours engrossed in the fine art of doing nothing.

I've really been struggling with keeping my social media and possibly stopp…

Happy Birthday in Heaven...

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It's his birthday.

A day that I've been dreading.  Today my Daddy would have been 75.  He's been gone for almost 2 full months.  I expected something very different from this day.  I expected a sharp pain.  I expected to look at his pictures and find myself overwhelmed.

It's not. The sense of loss is very real.  I want to call him and wish him a happy birthday.  But the phones simply won't reach.  My heart hurts. I would love to ask him what he planned to do today.  And laugh as he listed where he wanted to go for breakfast and what he would have.  He loved to start the day with breakfast out.

I hope that in heaven they serve his favorites.

Hubs and I are going to honor his day by making it another Do Nothing Day. 

A do nothing day is a good way to make your heart feel stronger. 

I am slowly learning that. 

Happy Birthday Daddy! 

I wish you were still here...

do nothing days

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I have adjusted the settings on my Facebook account. 

I've deleted any and everything that is negative, divisive or energy depleting.

I am working on finding the joy in life.  I am looking for a different path. 

I've been in a spiral for a bit, even before I lost my Dad.  I've had an immense amount of negativity coming at me from numerous directions.  I thought I was handling it well.  Reality, I wasn't.

I was absorbing it all.  I was allowing it to steal my joy in life. I had been swimming in a downward swirl.  Trying to smile through it all, while allowing others to define who I am and what I am in search of in life. I was allowing other people to take their anger and frustrations out on me personally.  Understanding that they had issues they were trying to work through. Without thinking about the damage I was doing to myself.  Me, personally.  I kept focusing on the greater good.

Guess what. 

I've come to the conclusion that none of us can focus on the greater g…