what if...

The other day I was listening to a random podcast they were talking about chasing dreams.  Then a random reel showed up... asking what you would do if you knew you couldn't fail. For a few days now that has been busy in my brain. 

What if?  I'm sure you've asked yourself that very question.  Maybe in terms of a dream, an idea, a hope.  Questioning some unseen outcome.  I am firmly starting to believe that anymore we are programmed from a very young age to accept that dreams are simply something to linger and cause discontent, not an actionable path and journey.  

It feels like we are pre-programmed to accept that those very dreams aren't a road map, a goal, something to strive for.  Because if we don't want to follow them, then we stay stagnant. Pliable, controllable. We are not someone to worry about if we are moving in lock step, if we are doing things in the accepted manner.  If we aren't pushing boundaries and chasing different rainbows then our choices don't make waves for others to navigate in the systems that surround us. 

I've never fit inside the boundaries.  I can't color inside the lines.  Sometimes I really want to, I want to be just another brick in the wall as Pink Floyd used to sing.  I want to be normal, sort of, well not really. 

I'm 61.  This morning long before the sun has considered rising I was outside in my garden.  Sipping coffee, staring at the stars above and finding pure contentment in my often chaotic world. I watched my pups rush down the stairs to let some invisible intruder know that this was not their morning to be in our yard.  I let my mind wander for a few minutes.  Holding a coffee that was far too hot to be trying to drink, taking baby sips and pretending that I had let it chill for a moment or two in my impatience. 

I'm 61.  The other day Hubs made a comment while we were walking, that he had more years behind him, than ahead of him.  It hit, hard.  Not just for him, but for me also.  It made me pause.  It started the conversation that has been rattling in my mind.  Dashing off into an entirely different directions all at the same time. 

For most of my 61 years, I have spent the majority of my life in a serious people pleasing mode.  I'm gonna say that is probably the operating system I received as I entered this life.  Don't make waves, don't be different.  Don't listen to that drummer in your spirit that is playing a different beat from the people surrounding you. Shut it off, ignore it.  Fit in.

The problem as I see it, is that I don't fit in.  And frankly, I don't want to. 

The Dixie Chicks had a song when they were trying to mount their comeback. "Not Ready to Make Nice".  Different lines have been playing in my head, mixing and dancing with my own thoughts lately.  The circumstances of their song are different than how my brain is processing it. But I truly am not ready to make nice anymore, I'm not ready to back down.  I want to be who I am.  

I want to chase dreams and be comfortable being an extremely social introvert that is always willing to discuss quilting, knitting, crochet, soap making, herb and garden growing, and of course any form of natural/healthy living.  Count me in! 

I briefly mentioned the quilt I have been commissioned to make.  I am going to start it this morning once the coffee kicks in. It will be queen sized, it will be made from a veteran's uniforms and a panel that represents his service to our country.  I am so excited for this project.  I love that I have a basic direction and then the rest of it is up to me.  I made a choice to charge a lesser fee than most other's would charge.  Not because I was trying to undercut them, I definitely wasn't.  But because to me, it's about the person.  It isn't just a job.  You can't always define things by an hourly wage, when I did that math, heck it made me sick! I don't truly understand when life became about how much you could get for it.  I am doing it because I love doing it, because it is for a veteran and it is all about cherished memories.  I will definitely take you along on the journey.  

Yesterday we decided to participate in the city wide yard sale.  I wasn't excited, I am not really a yard sale person, I am more of a take it to the thrift store and move on kind of person. Yesterday might have changed my thoughts a bit.  First off it was crazy busy, so I didn't have much down time, but I did find a bit of time to work on my latest cardigan.  I also lowered the prices on most of my craft show items, frankly, they needed to go.  With Beau's medications and the crazy high prices that are being charged for booths, it simply wasn't feasible to continue on that path. 

So many people scolded me for how low things were priced, pointing out that I probably had more in materials than I was selling them for.  And in some cases, they were right.  In other's... not so much.  But the truth of the matter is that they have been sitting in tubs, lingering.  It was time for them to go to new homes. As a result of the conversations I had, I have 2 women that I am going to teach to crochet and or knit, I have two more that want to learn to sew the little bags I made.  And one lady ordered two more baby quilts.  

Truthfully, my spirit is soaring!  I love passing skills on to other people.  I've had to struggle a bit to acquire some of my skills, people weren't sharing when I was learning.  I am seriously self-taught on many things and before YouTube the library and out of print books were my best friends. 

If I couldn't fail, if I wasn't risking falling flat on my face... where would my dreams take me?  If I was brave enough to risk displeasing some, failing in front of others... oh my...

Oh let's see...I'd have a small hobby farm, not huge, but big enough.  It would be a gathering spot, for people wanting to learn all those silly granny crafts.  The things that are being forgotten.  I'd gather lots of skilled friends willing to share their knowledge.  Some for free, some for a fee, none of it so much that it would cause a financial hurt to someone.  Knowledge should be shared.  Openly, willingly.  A place where we all could grow and expand. 

A kitchen to learn meal prep and canning. Somehow we have several generations now that cannot do that easily. A garden to grow and learn in.  Oh my if dreams didn't cost so much, what a dream to have. Oh and it would need a pond, good sized, somewhere for Hubs to teach kiddo's how to tie their lure's on and fish for hours.  Let them experience the peace and self-satisfaction of bringing home a few fish for dinner.  

Can you picture it, a small cabin like building, big enough for like 20 people at a time.  With gardens and maybe even a few farm critters, chickens, maybe a goat or ... well that is out of my range of knowledge so lets stop at chickens. 

Open it to all ages, as long as the skill was skill level appropriate. Groups, individuals, scouts, home school kiddo's. The list is endless.

I've taught 2 and 3 year old's to cook, garden and do simple crafting.  So nothing is truly off the table.  A chance to gather those pesky tweens and teens to create something, to plant or care for something.  For the most part our schools do not teach true life skills, they teach us skills that will benefit businesses, not individuals. My opinion. 

I will forever remember almost twenty years ago and being assigned a group of tweens/teens that had never touched tools to build the benches for the Kaboom park we were building.  It was probably one of the most rewarding experiences in my life.  These kids worked through the challenges, came together as teams, learned to back out stripped screws and try again (so many times) and at the end of the day, I handed them a sharpie and let them all sign the underside of the benches.  I tasked those kids in a city filled with graffiti and destruction to protect their work.  I haven't been by there lately, but I know that 5 years ago those benches were still standing strong and serving the community.  The pride in their work protected them.  

So many adults are longing to learn those skills, social media is filled with it.  

Can you smell muffins baking in the oven while you are teaching someone to make a quilt, to alter or change worn out clothing into something else.  To stretch their dollars by learning life skills? Or working in a woodshop, building their own flower beds, cutting boards, oh my that list is endless too!

I feel we would be a whole lot better off as a society if we could simply bring some of those skills back. If the world stopped being disposable.  If it returned to being precious and treasured.

Whenever anyone asks me a recommendation on a sewing machine, I immediately say a vintage machine, whatever you can afford, but I will quickly tell you my personal favorites if pressed.  I do the bulk of my sewing on machines that are 76 years old.  They are easy to maintain, they make the most beautiful stitches and they bring me complete joy. They aren't fussy, they don't need special anything, just a bit of oil and some TLC and they are ready for their next 100 years. 

So what if?  

I feel like I am mentally standing on a personal precipice.  I just don't know what it is, and I am equally unsure of how I fit in this world.  Pretty sure I don't fit at all.  And that is just okay. I've spent 9 months of this year changing physically, that journey continues, but I have other changes I am wanting.  Dreams I want to chase, might just be about time.

Well, I need to finish morning "chores" - butter needs made, the tallow is already in the crockpot.  And I probably need to finish tidying up the garage from the yard sale and bring the albums up from the basement, we found someone that will cherish them as much as Hubs does - yet has the ability to play them.  

Then my focus has to turn 100% to the quilt.

Have a mentioned how much I love my life?  In during the chaos we are currently dealing with, there is a current of peacefulness to lean into.  There is calm.  It's amazing!

Start dreaming, then start doing, let's start our own revolution of dreamers!

much love, 

b

the world is heavy...

My home smells like an exotic marketplace somewhere.  Visions of Aladdin are flowing through my mind.  Or the beautiful outdoor markets of my youth, Greece, Italy, France, Germany... all the beautiful smells are definitely taking me to warmer climates and softer days.  

The freshly ground rich smell of coffee is marrying with the star anise, cardamon pods, cinnamon and ginger.  Topped off by the smell of grapes from the jello.  The softness of clean linens providing the backdrop.  I should definitely start my day like this a bit more often.  

Outside the snow is still lingering.  Slowly receding from the warmth at the sides of the house.  The sky is dark and heavy, like it is whispering that more snow could be heading our way.  I wonder if that is a whisper or a threat. I'll take a threat, but I sure don't feel I need a promise.  We've got enough. Looking at the forecast, it appears we might even be in for a bit of a warm up, if you consider 40° a warm up.  I'll take it, these single digit's have been kicking my butt.  

The pups and I want to go for a long walk, we need some fresh air. It looks like it is on the way.  I'll just quickly send up a silent prayer at this moment.  A friend of mine keeps sharing the weather in Minot vs. here at home... gotta say I never thought I would be jealous of Minot, but here we are. 

Hubs had to go to work super early this morning.  We have a visitation to go to this afternoon, and he needs to get his eight. So the early morning found me fixing hot beverages and making lunch for him.   I figured I was on a roll so why not just keep rolling.  I can't believe I just gave Beau his 8 am meds and I am pretty much done with my morning chores.  Unbelievable. It feels good to start the day off with a bang.  Guess that is why I always loved the early morning shifts... the whole day is still stretched out before me and I feel energized to actually use it. 

Beau doesn't believe in personal space
Poor Belle is getting crowded

I've got something weighing on my mind that I am longing to talk out. Have you ever had something trigger your emotions?  Something make you feel out of control and angry without a clear reason why?  I try hard to not have that happen.  But every now and again, something small will light up that part of my brain.  That darn amygdala gets hijacked and pulling it back to center feels like it takes every bit of energy and strength you have.  

This weekend I had that happen.  It was innocent, but my brain went haywire.  My darn feelings were on fire and I didn't know how to respond.  It was a nothing thing.  Seriously.  But not inside my head. It felt like I was fighting against every slight, every pain, every emotion that I had ever experienced.  The rational side of me was pretty darn disgusted with the emotional side, let me tell you.  Like I said it was simply me taking something in a way that wasn't meant. 

I think we all have those moments.  Where something is presented to us, harmlessly, but in such a manner that it sets us off.  It makes us feel irrational and out of control.  Attacked. Hard to believe that a tiny bit of gray matter in the brain can cause those emotions, those feelings.  But... it does. 

I'm starting to feel like the global population are all fighting that battle with themselves.  And as they are struggling to get a grip on what they are feeling, they are starting to lash out. Working on ways to even the "score" that their brains are amplifying.

A friend of mine, someone I used to truly adore and respect has been traveling down that dark road for a bit now. I've silently watched the change in who they are as a person, saddened for the loss I've watched happen.  The other day they shared something on Facebook that was an easily verifiable falsehood, and written to cause hate and discontent.  It was for laughs - is how they posed it.  Reading it, reading the comments and their defense of it, made me ill.  Brought a sadness to me that I didn't quite expect.  Their defense of it was that it was funny, even if untrue and that made it okay. With absolutely no concern to the fact that is was a blatant lie and in this day and age people don't search for the truth when a lie makes them feel better about their own thoughts. Hmmm... wasn't that warned about in the Bible and other teachings?

In this powder keg of a world we are living in right now, stirring a hornets nest to calm your own emotions and justify them hardly seems prudent. 

Everywhere I turn I am seeing people reacting out of frustration and anger.  They are pushing those emotions on others instead of stepping back and calming themselves. Looking deeper to see what is causing them to be in a constant state of unease. I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the overarching theme was about how we seem to be locked in a constant struggle to be right, to be the victor, when what we really need is to splash around a lot of love.  

I can't say I disagree.  

I have been walking away from a lot of things and people that bring me anxiety and stress.  If you are a negative Nelly and only want to tear people down.  Sorry, we aren't going to continue being friends or even acquaintances. If I go to your business and you are ugly, well, I am not required to frequent your business.  This isn't something that has happened overnight, nor are the decisions something I am making irrationally.  I give grace, but I refuse to live with abuse in any form. 

Now, I realize that in a work situation or professional relationship, it isn't that easy.  And you can't exactly yell at someone telling them that their "style" is really hurting your working relationship.  I've been there.  I completely get that one.  It definitely feels like more and more "leaders" are not exactly leading anymore, they are attacking or dictating from on high.  I've watched managers berate people, put them down, cause them grief simply because they can. I've witnessed rudeness to peers and subordinates that makes my brain do flip flops trying to understand it all. 

I've watched the woman that leads the aqua therapy at the VA treat veterans in her care with a harsh and uncaring manner.  I can't even say bordering on rudeness, she is flat out horrible to them.  Not only are these men and women veterans that served their country thanklessly, they are also the reason that she has a job.  One for which she doesn't seem very grateful. 

My question is why?  What is triggering these actions.  The hatefulness is exhausting.  It keeps everyone in a state of defense and no one is communicating or working together.  Is that the plan?  To just divide us all on every level?  To keep our amygdala's in an constant state of hijack where we no longer have the ability to be civil and caring to one another?  Does that attitude make them feel better about themselves?  Are the people losing control of themselves even aware of the shotgun effect of their actions and words?  Do they care? 

I pray that I am not doing that to others.  I pray that when my amygdala gets hijacked that I am able to always step away and recenter myself.  This weekend, I knew it was entirely a me thing, I knew it was my past pains and hurts stepping forward to steal center stage.  Stupid.  Yes, an entirely human response. Once I was able to sort out why I reacted the way I did, I was able to move forward.  Sometimes innocent comments can cause those emotions.  How we react is the difference.  If I had exploded in anger or been petty, those would not have been appropriate and would have escalated a nothing into a something. 

It feels like a lot of people these days are escalating that nothing. And the something is getting uglier by the moment.  I'm watching things that literally break my heart.  People that I would have described as caring, honest, even nurturing are showing a side that is just plain gross.  People from another lifetime, people I respected, that inspired me.  I am watching them destroy others in a quest I can't understand.  Nothing in this world is worth anything if it has to have destruction of another to achieve it.  

I don't have answers.  Only observations that cause me to stop and ponder.  It's easier from the outside.  Most of what I am watching is heartbreaking. I truly have no solutions.  Only questions. 

I will keep doing my best to offer hope, love, encouragement.  I don't want to fight someone else's amygdala.  Heck I have enough trouble keeping my own in check. A very long time ago I was assigned to read a book "Switch: How to change when change is hard" by Chip Heath. I only vaguely paid attention, because honestly I hate being assigned to do just about anything.  The bits I did read really stuck with me, and I should probably revisit it, because I think it is valuable, especially in this time we are living in, in a way I didn't understand back then. Says the woman that just dug out her Nook and put it on charge - hopefully it still works it's been in the cupboard for years....

Wow, I have definitely rattled on today, I am guessing things are making me a bit frazzled around the edges and I'm not in the thick of it. I'm going to continue doing the best I can to help everyone around me get into a calmer spot, a slower space.  I'm going to continue to encourage everyone to step back.  Shut off the television, the computer, the phone.  Remember the 80's and before.  Go outside, breath fresh air (okay now I know I'm frazzled) and simply be.  Smell some spices. Dig into some of those granny/grandpa skills and hobbies, and if you've forgotten them, maybe it's time to get back in touch with them.  Remind yourself... 

The laundry is wrapping up, there are a few more chores to deal with and then I intend to focus in on things that will get us closer to plan. What does your day look like, how are you reconnecting? 

much love, 

b

is the sky falling...

As the "official" new year begins, it feels ominously quiet outside.  A deep darkness that doesn't seem to want to fade into sunlight.  After almost three weeks off, Hubs has headed back to work, the kids returned home, and life is returning to a normal rhythm.  But back to the darkness for a moment, it's after 7am and it is still a cloaking darkness, there is a slight lightening on the horizon, but it's still.  

I guess it feels a bit more creepy due to the fact that here in the metro east we have had two meteorites seen and felt in as many days. Hubs and I were oblivious, but when you live in a world with two big, playful pups and an equally playful Hubs... well, strange noises aren't often noticed.  They are usually drowned out by the chaos of play. 

Just knowing and then being in the heavy darkness as I hauled out the trash can this morning was a bit unsettling. After a week of above average temps, I mean seriously the highest in recorded history - what gives?  We immediately plunged back into our normal biting cold.  Gotta love the mid-west.  

I'm not much of a New Years' kind of gal.  It feels awkward and manufactured to me.  I tend to lean towards a celebratory mood as we edge into springtime.  It feels natural, the world is waking up, there is a newness all around and life feels ready to restart. So needless to say, yesterday was a nothing kind of day for us.  More of an administrative thing.  We ran a few errands, did a few chores and basically caught up on life.  How about you? 

Today, will truly be a bit more of the same.  Hubs being back at work, means the normal flow of days is returning. I have quite a few projects that I intend to tackle this month, with or without a working thumb. I have things that I have decided are deeply important to me to focus on this year, and I intend to do it. 

For years many things have lingered.  No plans to make them reality, just assuming they would come to life on their own.  Strangely (yes I am being factitious) they have not.  Therefore, I have decided to tackle them in the same manner that I would have tackled tasks needing done back when I "worked" in the outside world.  I need to plan. I've spent the past few weeks doing just that.  

Now comes the implementation part of these plans.  Beau will have meds soon and I will swing into my routine.  It feels weird after almost a month.  But also a bit stabilizing.  I am not a sit around kind of person, I thrive with things of value to do.  I know that I get fussy when paused, and this darn thumb has definitely paused me.  Although, I have to own it, I mean, I did cause the damage in a fit of temper.  There are times I absolutely amaze myself. How many people can claim to have broken a thumb making Christmas cookies?  Because this girl 100% can!  Typing is a challenge as it took me several seconds and errors to realize I couldn't use my splint to press the key I wanted... geez... only a few more weeks of this insanity.  I keep telling myself that we can all survive anything for six weeks, as I get fussier and fussier. 

The sky is now a heavy gray, no signs of blue, no definition to the clouds.  Looks like it is simply going to be a dreary, cold day.  To a degree it still looks like something I would've envisioned out of the Stephen King novels I read in my youth, soulless and still.  YUCK! Guess I'll be keeping the curtains drawn as I sew and do projects today.  Who needs that kind of gloominess surrounding them?

I've no idea if I will manage to write consistently in 2026.  Honestly, it depends on my spirit and desire.  I won't ever force myself.  And I think I need a new bingo card for 2026, because it seems to be coming in hot and busy... I guess we'll see.  What about you? 

Much love, 

b

listening to the rain...

Anyone else struggling to sleep?  Or rather stay asleep?  These super early mornings are making me a touch weary.  I feel like I should celebrate not waking until almost 3:45 am, for me lately that has become sleeping in.  I guess my head is swirling.  So many things going on, so much that I am wanting to be a part of or have committed to doing.  I admit that I definitely do not know how I functioned before leaving the "real" world behind. 

This morning the rolling thunder woke up Belle, she might pretend to be a tough pup, but she frightens just as easily as her marshmallow brother. The bangs and booms were definitely not to her liking at all.  It's all good, I sat and enjoyed the thunder and lightening and even went for a super early ride with the Hub to look at the lot at one of his buildings.  The storm was beautiful through the windshield. 

I guess I am becoming one of "those old folks", as more than once as the rain fell heavy I caught myself saying to Hubs... well it's a good thing, we have definitely needed it. The pups on the other hand simply weren't feeling it.  They wanted to have their faces in the wind as we drove.  Silly babies, love swimming in the river, you can barely get them out of the water, but heaven forbid rain, showers, water sprinklers think they are touching them.  

 Belle, are you making up for lost sleep?

Waking up so early definitely gives me a few more hours in the day for a broad assortment of things.  Mostly for spending a bit more time in prayer. Who knows maybe that is the reason that sleep is hard to find lately. Maybe I am being led to spend more time reading the Bible and studying?  It sure feels like it. 

This morning I couldn't spend time in the garden, far too soggy.  So I finished up my Christmas/Cinnamon Pickles.  For the record, they are fantastic and definitely addictive.  Hubs tasted one late yesterday and immediately smiled and said his gramma used to make them. The memory popped into his head so quickly at the flavor.  The look on his face when I handed him a bright red pickle to taste was priceless and if I hadn't been busy at the time I would have snapped a picture.  You would have thought I was handing him a live lobster to taste. Geez! Where is the trust?

14 pints of Christmas Pickles

My calendar is clear until Bible study tonight.  I will heading to the crafting areas and to get busy, can't work outside, focus on inside.  I have a few sewing projects I am working on and I have a few crafting projects to work on.  Pretty sure I won't be bored at all today, even if I am not going to be playing in the garden. I find when I keep busy, I don't get so tired from the odd hours I've been sleeping.  

I should can up the potatoes, but... I am not really excited about peeling all of them today, so fairly certain that isn't going to happen.  Besides, I am going to make a beef stew and I'm not so sure how many of them I will use for that.  I have so much I have harvested from the garden that I don't want to waste and I love having it on the shelf to grab on those nights I simply don't want to cook.  We are rapidly moving back into soup and stew weather, the time to prepare is now.  

It's even lovely in the rain...

This balancing act I have stuck myself in the middle of is a bit precarious.  I just keep reminding myself, that these are all conscious choices that I made.  And frankly, I am in a bubble of pure joy, so please don't think it is complaining at all.  I cherish being a home maker and all that it entails. 

In my circle of friends there are many struggling with things right now.  From health, to careers, to relationships, to finances and fears.  Some are dealing with issues that feel far greater than they can deal with alone.  I've been there.  Pretty sure we all have.  Life is not easy, sometimes the struggle can be overwhelming.

Might I suggest Psalms 46. None of us are ever alone, unless we choose to be. We always have God with us. I am finding so much calm and peace in many different verses, in my faith that in putting on the armor of God, I am safe, secure and protected.  It doesn't mean bad things won't happen.  It means that I have the weapons to weather the storms they may bring.  

I also find much peace in knowing that I am surrounded by an army of family and friends, many of whom I know I can lean into at a moments notice.  And I will know that they are praying for me and supporting me.  I try to always be that person for others. If you ever need me to pray for you, know that you simply need to ask.  

Well speaking of storms... it's time for me to get busy that craft show is rapidly sneaking up on me. And I need to address some paperwork for damage to the roof and my chimney cap before it is time to let my creative side loose in the playrooms...  

love and prayers...

still...

Hubs' brought me my coffee and woke me up to see the strange color of the sky this morning, we were both a bit stunned.  Before sunrise the entire sky was filled with an eerie orange glow, the sun is not up enough at 5 am usually to affect the sky like that. I tried to get a picture, but nothing would capture it. It was dense and so very orange, looked like you could reach out and touch it. 

Even though it was eerie it was oddly calming and peaceful too.  The Lou had rolling thunder for most of the night and both of us had struggled with sleep. All night I could hear my grandpa's voice, telling me not to fear the thunder, it was simply the angels bowling. If that is the case, it was definitely a tournament of sorts. 

It's been crazy quiet these past few hours.  I was out in the garden in between rain bursts, just like I do every morning.  I was pruning, harvesting, praying not necessarily in that order.  The time I spend in my garden fills my heart, it's my quiet time with the Lord.  Normally the air is filled to capacity with birds, squirrels, the various critters waking up to face the day.  I just heard the first bird song a short bit ago.  And it was a solo voice. No responding tweet happened.  It's strange. 

Maybe they heard Sunday's message.  Maybe? Psalms 46:10.  Be still, and know that I am God. I know I am listening.  Oddly enough two of the pastors that listen to had that message in the past week. Seems pretty relevant in the times we are living in. 

I spent some time out there in the silence, picking tomatoes, trying to decide if I want to harvest the peppers or give them a bit more time to grow, pondering if I was feeling sturdy enough to walk down in the mud to harvest green beans and accepting the fact that the yard was not going to get mowed today.  All the while thinking, feeling his presence.  

Many times throughout my life I have turned into myself.  Not choosing to hear that quiet stillness.  Thinking that I knew better how to move forward with my life.  I always reflect on those arrogant moments and feel very humbled.  Each time, God brought me to my knees, as any good parent would.  And as soon as I turned back to him, the struggle, the challenge, the rough spot disappeared. I am striving to be a more dutiful daughter, to listen with my heart.  To be still.  

I was allowing this crazy mixed up world to seriously affect me. The more I give in to being still, the more calm I have become. The strange orange silence this morning felt like an affirmation that I am on the right path. 

After a wonderful dinner with new friends from church on Monday night, I spent most of yesterday catching up on podcasts and doing needlework after I finished my morning chores.  Today will be likely more of the same.  I am addicted to embroidery work right now and working on several youth projects for the craft show in September.  I am not finished with this little vest, but I am quite thrilled with how it is turning out. 

make a wish

I also have some projects to work on in my studio, I am seriously trying to vary my projects.  Now that I have full use of my thumb again (FYI - frankincense oil is such a blessing) I don't want to do mess it up again.  Almost six months of healing was enough to remind me to not push it. I was hoping to get some soaps made, but the weather is far too damp for that, it will take forever to set up.  

larger one I am working on

The next few months will be busy and fruitful. Very much so.  If I could simply get my head to slow down with new ideas.  It is definitely going faster than my fingers can keep up with. Hubs' thought yesterday's project would take me longer than it did, unfortunately not everything can take me a full day or I will have a very sad booth at Kinmundy.

Well... the sun is finally breaking through the deep heavy blanket of clouds, I am starting to hear more bird songs, so I guess that is my cue to get busy with the day.  Anyone else jumping in?  

Make today count.  But please remember to be still, if only for a few precious moments, be still...

love and prayers

the apron club...

March showers are definitely falling.  Such blessings.  I am sitting here listening to the gentle rhythm of the rain, it feels as if it is washing away the weariness of the world. When I glance out the window, I see the first blossoms of springtime, sneaking in through the chill of the evenings. 

I have no idea what kind of tree is outside my window, I just know that it bursts forward with beautiful white flowers, it's always the first sign of spring in my little garden. Already I am catching bursts of that beautiful spring green.  I love that color, only outside, in nature, it fills my heart as a gentle reminder that spring is getting ready to come on the scene in a huge way.  One day the trees will still be barren and cold, the grass will be muted, flowers are still resting deep underground as you start your day, and just like that the day will end in springtime. 

I guess if you need any further proof that God is taking care of us and providing for our needs, then maybe you aren't really looking. 

Yesterday while I was finishing my chores I listened to a YouTube channel that I usually don't follow.  I'm not even sure where I got the link that led me to it.  It was in something that I do usually follow, it's a site I visit periodically, but for some reason I have never subscribed.  I subscribed yesterday.  

I had started to listen earlier in the day, but I knew I was distracted and wouldn't give it the attention it seemed to deserve, so I'd saved it for ironing time.  A time when I knew I wouldn't be interrupted, no one was likely to call or text, and honestly is there a chore that is more mindless than ironing?  

It was on Roots and Refuge, and I am including the link.  It's a devotional and it's about "homesteading".  Yet, not in the way you would expect.  Sure she touches on the things that fill my heart, taking care of the home, gardening, being self-sufficient.  All of those things, it was just so different. Be warned, it's about 50 minutes long, but it is definitely worth those precious minutes.  It's more about self-reflection, self-realization, and completely owning your own path and understanding what it is. 

I felt like yesterday was a day filled with messages.  A variety of things that I needed to hear, to feel, and to experience. After all, I also felt powerfully drawn to write also. 

One of the most powerful parts of the day, was when she mentioned the apron club.  For me it felt like a giant smack upside the head and heart.  I know I joke about being "retired", I am not now, nor do I feel will I ever be retired.  I do feel like I finally got promoted to the greatest career path I was ever blessed to have.  I am a homemaker.  I am a proud member of the apron club. My favorite apron is stained, faded and definitely worn.  It's been used to wipe tears, grab hot pans, wipe my hands on, and to protect me from many things.  I should make a few more just like it, maybe someday I will make the time. 

There are times that I battle bitterness that I had not been able to embrace that path when my babies were young and needed me.  I have had deep regrets that bubble to the surface at my own blindness, at allowing myself to believe in the fear man was driving into my heart.  How we wouldn't survive if I wasn't working as hard and as fast as I could.  I watched longingly at the relationship my daughter has with her own children, mainly due to the fact that she is a 100% hands on mom.  

I own that.  I pray about it.  And I thank God for finally breaking me free from it all.  Now I am a full-time grandma, available at a moments notice.  When my grand-daughter calls and asks me to meet her sisters bus, I don't have to hesitate, I simply go - providing I'm not scrambling about like a blind mouse searching for my keys... I am able to be there when my children, husband, family, friends or even neighbors need me. 

Are there times I allow man's ways to disturb me?  Absolutely!  I can get in a tail spin the same as everyone else.  I promise you, Monday I was beyond disturbed.  As I went first to my bank to find out I could no longer physically interact with a teller, but in a very Jetsonesque manner I could interact via a computer monitor in the lobby.  And when that was topped off by them telling me that I could no longer receive or deposit change physically.  Well, my mind was 100% blown.  I simply wanted to cash a few checks and the fact that I could only receive the paper dollars back and had to allow them to deposit my coins felt foreign and controlling.  I was absolutely not okay with that experience and I am now evaluating my relationship with their new model.  I'm sorry, I am not really okay with such a non-personal method of dealing with people. 

I followed it up by a quick trip to my least favorite store.  I needed a few paper products for our home and thought it would be least expensive by going to Wal-Mart.  As a general rule I avoid the one closest to our home, I dislike the coldness, the lack of cashiers, the location, well basically everything.  I will usually drive to the next town and go to theirs, but I was on a bit of a time crunch.  I was trying to get everything done in an hour, so... ours it was. 

I never in my life dreamed that buying 120 plastic trash bags would cost $23.85, but there I was looking at the prices in stunned disgust.  I guess it hits me a bit harder than some folks, because I avoid going to the store unless I absolutely have to.  I also needed tissues... $9.99 for 6 boxes?  I used to loose my mind at the thought of $7 for 6. I even considered going with the generics on both items, but the prices were the same, so I figured I'd stay with what I knew.  In fact, every single item that I have always purchased was significantly higher in price.  In September I'd bought the same trash bags, and seriously struggled with paying $15.95 for them.  

After those shocks I decided to browse the store a bit.  I wasn't purchasing, but I wanted to absorb the atmosphere, my fellow shoppers, the prices on an assortment of items.  I guess I felt like a glutton for punishment as my daddy used to say. 

As I wandered in stunned silence I noticed the prices on laundry soap have soared to unreasonable levels, it's mostly water folks. Suddenly feeling very thankful that I have a fair amount in my pantry and that I have discovered that Soap Nuts work much better than chemicals. 

Everywhere I turned there were faces of dismay, I heard so many people speaking about prices in whispered horror as they would put things back instead of in their carts.  People are struggling, hard. 

When I left I was in a bit of a tailspin, I was stunned, shocked and frankly angry.  After spending time with Hubs at lunch, processing my thoughts on it all and talking through things.  I felt better.  Was I still shocked, yeah, but in a different light. I know that God is the ultimate provider and while man may be focused on making life complicated, expensive and unyielding, God will provide.  I stopped being a part of it all. 

A part of it must have lingered, because I truly felt that the message yesterday was directed at me personally.  I know my sweet Hubs often says I am a prepper, I'm not.  I'm a homemaker.  I am someone that puts on my apron and takes care of my family, my friends and others who need it.  I have finally found the spot I belong in life.  

I love growing our food, would I love a larger plot of land that I could plant and produce more, sure.  But it's not that season in our lives.  Maybe someday that is a path I will follow, now is not the time.  I love canning and cooking.  I cherish knowing what I am feeding my loved ones.  I care about the things that the world today tries to make into seem "old-fashioned".  Out of step with "modern times".  I'm okay with that, I don't wish to be part of the disaster that I see with modern times.

I am caring for the earth, my loved ones, my community in the way I have been called to do for this place and time.  Who knows where I will be later.  Who knows what talents (Luke 19:11-27) the Lord will bless me with going forward, but like the first and second servants let me multiply those talents and bless my Lord with my gratefulness at his trust in me.  Because I know that as I demonstrate my faithfulness and ability to manage what is given to me, I will receive greater gifts. 

Beau agrees... 

Speaking of which... the shirts are finished and will be delivered this evening, the chores are complete and this woman is ready to make quilts... time to get busy multiplying my blessings. And while I am at it... might need to make up a few more aprons... I pray this club multiplies as well...

love and prayers... 

what is going on?

Good morning world!  The sunrise was breathtaking this morning.  After the sluggish start to yesterday, it definitely fueled my energy for today.  I've determined that when I wake up and have one of those rough starts where everything is out of whack and rushed that my day pretty much stays in that same vein. Yesterday was no exception.  I was in a funk all day, tired, out of sorts, not feeling strongly about doing much of anything. I struggled hard. Everything just seemed to be difficult.

I finally ended up sitting in the sun for about an hour while my soup was in the pressure canner. I simply needed to rest and regroup. I couldn't find my motivation or flow.  I finally gave up and went to bed early.  Some days you simply have to check out. 

Today is off to a much better start.  I woke up at stupid o'clock (remember I went to bed early), and maybe that is the key to having energy and motivation.  Because today is off to an extraordinary start.  Pups walked and fed, yesterday's canning already labeled and stored, laundry almost finished and it's not even 7:30 am.  Heck, I've even planned out today's canning adventures and have the recipes bookmarked and ingredients ready to go. 

just hold me mommy

Dad we gotta help mom find treatos!

I need to share some concerns.  Yesterday when Hubs got home from working down at the camp all day we ran out to pick up a few items I have used up.  It wasn't a huge list, just a few fresh herbs and few dried ones (as mine are not big enough to use yet) a few veggies and a couple of cuts of meat.  Nothing major or crazy, although I did consider picking up some strawberries as they are in season and I want to try dehydrating a few of them. 

Here is the thing.  I went into the first store, Schnucks, just up the road from our home.  I've had a few concerns about their bare shelves lately and the fact that there is less and less available in the entire store.  Most of the things are items we do not eat, so I wasn't overly concerned.  Yesterday I was in and out of a store that was so busy there were hardly any carts in less than 5 minutes.  No I am not that fast, the first 3 things on my list were not available. There was only 15 things on the list and most of it would have been in that department.  

As I walked in I had a sense that things were very different.  Massive space between items, empty bins everywhere, and when I found the "fresh herbs" they were all brown and unusable. As I stood there and looked around I had a feeling of a store going out of business or in an extremely small area with hardly any population.  To the best of my knowledge they aren't going out of business (although this is the third or fourth time recently that it has been like this) and our town is definitely not small. 

I just chalked it up to another bad experience and decided I would run into Fresh Thyme over by the place Hubs wanted to grab dinner from.  No big deal.  I know Fresh Thyme is more of a specialty store and a bit more expensive sometimes.  But their produce department is always top notch. 

I was shocked to walk into another store that looked sadly barren.  I did manage to find most of the things I was looking for.  Most, definitely not all.  I bought 5 small bags of groceries and spent $100.  Remember my list was 15 items and I didn't find it all. 

Later today I will run up to a different grocery for those last few things.  I hope they have what I am looking for.  If not, I will figure out a plan b.  But I am struggling with what I am witnessing.  Hubs loves bacon and I started to pick up a package, one that just a month ago I bought for $14 marveling at how expensive it had gotten.  Yet as I noticed the price yesterday $22.50 for the same size package, I couldn't bring myself to do it. 

Getting back in the truck to share this information with Hubs, I notice he's listening to the news and they are talking about the extreme baby formula shortage.  Our state is one of the hardest hit.  I know it's been a couple of years of folks struggling to canning jars and try buying lids, holy moses. Speaking with my sister I find out the special formula my nephew needs cannot be found anywhere and the hospital has started changing the formula to one they can get.  She also mentioned that she bought herself a flock of chickens, eggs are getting really scarce in her neck of the woods. 

I am not an alarmist, I am not someone that goes crazy and buys all of the toilet paper I can find in a city.  I will admit yesterday shook me to my core.  Too many things are adding up to something brewing that isn't nice or pretty.  The more I look into things the more it shakes me.  

Are we on the edge of another great depression?  Hyper inflation is already rearing it's ugly head, if you don't know what it is maybe look for an unedited history book about how Hitler came to power, understand what Germany was going through in those days.  Because it is scary stuff. And if we are, are we even remotely ready and able to handle what is coming our way?

pot-o-penos

I have a lot of crazy old fashioned skills.  There are many things that I can do successfully.  Sadly, I need supplies to be able to do them.  My little treetop garden cannot provide enough food even for just Hubs and I. I realized yesterday I need to expand my herb garden as I definitely am not producing even enough of that to meet our needs. I can't have chickens, so there are no fresh eggs to gather daily. 

Many folks in the urban and suburban areas are frankly going to be screwed.  Those out in the country are going to be better off if things keep going the way they are. But then again... are they?  After generations of people not learning the things that helped our grandparents and great grandparents through the rough times do the folks living in the country have the skill sets needed?  Hubs was doing a bit of trading with our friend down south and asked him what they might like that I was canning as we didn't want to step on their toes in regards to what they were canning.  The only thing they are canning is flavored moonshine. Not food.  Not that I mind trading for that at all. 

I just felt a heavy sadness last night.  A realization that we are not on a good path right now and that people are oblivious to what is all around them. 

I'm not an economist, I'm not into political science, I might be paying for a lot of college but I am definitely not someone that spent a lot of time in higher education - never did decide what I wanted to be when I grew up.  What I am is someone that is always on a quest to learn.  Someone that is ferociously independent and someone that has always longed for the simpler days and ways.  

French Onion Soup

I never dreamed that those basic skills could serve me so well, but I am thankful for the ones that I have. And striving to learn even more. I am up for trading my skills for anything you want to bring to the table to trade.  I am always up to help someone else learn some of these "silly" skills.  And I am always game to learn more of them myself.  

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that my gut is telling me to buckle up - the ride is getting rough. 

When it's all said and done, maybe this is a tight spot that we will rapidly leave behind us.  Best case scenario I will have a beautiful garden and continue making things simply out of joy not need.  Worst case scenario, I have some crazy awesome skills that will get put to use creatively. 

Thanks for walking through this craziness with me.  I think I will continue to plan ahead, ya know for the "if come" to bring some stillness to my mind. There is simply too much that when added up is unsteady and uncomfortable. 

Okay mom... it's time to be finished

Well, it's time to get busy.  I am going to make some sugar free ketchup today using a very old recipe.  He loves ketchup and the sugar free kind is crazy expensive (not understanding why the healthier stuff is always expensive).  Wish me luck! 

love and peace...

just have to keep busy...

Goodness gracious, it has been a busy day here at my little suburban homestead.  It's only 10:30 am and I am already feeling ready for a nap.  It has also been a super productive day, I need it today.  I wanted to take my pups for their surgeries - I am just that over-protective and I know it. It simply wasn't meant to be. Hubs left with them at 6:30 am, they were beyond puzzled to be loaded into mommy's car without mommy.  He will pick them up around two this afternoon and bring them home. 

I am here supervising the installation of the fence.  They won't be able to romp for about 10 days, but they are going to love it when they are able to.  These guys are definitely impressive, even if I am annoyed with the company, the crew installing my fence are amazing.  I figured they would be using power tools to dig the fence post holes.  I live on a very rocky, root filled piece of land.  The sales person assured me they would be, nope, that is definitely not the case.  They are out there with good old fashioned post hole diggers.  I feel SO guilty!  I mean geez, these folks are human, that is super hard work. Even more impressive is that they have only been working for an hour and almost all of the holes have been dug and they are starting to put in the posts. 

And there has only been one minor casualty so far, one of these incredibly strong gentlemen managed to bust the PVC water line for the irrigation system.  Seems they didn't quite understand when I explained it to them.  It's all good.  Accidents happen. 

While they have been busy outside digging holes and putting up posts, I have been crazy busy inside. So far this morning I have finished pressure canning the last 4 jars of carrots that wouldn't fit in the canner last night. I have roasted almost 15 lbs of tomatoes, only 5 more to go before I can start making the marinara.  I've made up 2 quarts of vegetable broth from some of my bags of veggie scraps that I have been keeping in the freezer and I have another pot of veggie broth simmering away. 

Heck, I've even gotten a load of laundry done, trying to get the babies stuff all fresh and clean before they come home to recuperate. I'd say that is not a bad days work for four hours.  I spent the time before they left this morning doing the normal daily routine. I also put together a swap bag for our friend down south.  Hubs is meeting up with him today and he is bringing me a treat that I cannot make for myself, so I sent him a bag of my new soaps - he can't make those, so... 

It felt a bit rebellious to be doing good old fashioned "horsetrading", stepping out of the accepted barter system of cash for items or services and into the way things used to be.  FYI - I love being a bit rebellious and doing my own thing.  

Hubs and I had a jar of the marinara for lunch yesterday, he was absolutely stunned at how flavorful it was, I mean we have been a bit conditioned to just crack open a jar of pre-made or make it up with canned sauces. The difference was amazing. I don't know that he will ever eat sauce from the grocery again. I was slightly sad I didn't have anymore tomatoes available when my favorite market sent out an ad, they had the most amazing prices on tomatoes.  $20 later, I have 50 pounds of tomatoes to turn into yummy treats for my Hubs. 

It's a lot of work, but in the end it is so wonderful.  On top of that, I am having a blast doing it.  I was in the treetop garden yesterday afternoon in the rain putting in my cabbages that were gifted to me and finally planting my herbs.  I even got the green bean planted.  Yep, I said green bean.  Seems only one of the four seeds decided to sprout.  It's all good, I planted even more seeds. I'm trying to decide how I want to plant the okra this year, I want to plant even more of it, because we love okra and one can simply never have too much.  It's also time to start harvesting radishes.  I think I might roast up a pan of them tonight for dinner.  My sister told me they are amazing like that and since we don't eat potatoes in our quest to avoid inflammatory foods, I feel it is time to give it a try. 

Another friend had a misfortune happen yesterday and is gifting me some soil and plants, I have no idea what kind, but I will definitely get them in the ground.  I will head over to her house either later today or tomorrow morning to pick them up.  

I had finished up her little bull yesterday and mailed it, now I wish I hadn't been so punctual and prompt and I could have delivered it in person. Darn the luck!

I think a bit later today I am going to sit still for a while and just knit.  I started a pair of socks while we were traveling.  I feel by the time I am done today, the extent of my willingness to do anything will simply be moving those needles.  Or I might just sit and read, that seems like less work. 

Well the tomatoes are almost done roasting and the broth needs a stirring... I'm going to stay busy so I don't worry about my sweet babies. What are you up to today?

love and peace!